#little thoughts

Image:Emily Soto Fashion Photography

I don’t really talk about little a lot, but I think about it. I think about big rough hands and little soft hands. Big feet and little feet. I think of large arms wrapped around me that make me feel small. I love to feel small. I don’t think there’s a better feeling than being small. Because small things, small people, small animals, are vulnerable. They can be broken so much easier than big things.

I like being broken.

So when I was browsing Tumblr today, looking idly at big hands on small girls while alternately sending a few friends photos of Sir’s incredibly badass belt, I saw a million things tagged with princess. Bratty, pouty princesses. Cute, squirmy princesses. Adorable princesses and punky princesses. All of which I completely approve of, but it got me thinking…

My favorite fairy tale is The Wild Swans. Elisa, forced from her kingdom by her father’s marriage to a wicked stepmother (we’re seeing a fairytale trend here, right?) searches for her eleven brothers, who have been turned into swans and attempts to save them. And throughout the course of attempting to save them, she suffers. She is not allowed to speak. She has to stitch a net to catch them in full of stinging nettles, she’s stuck in a cage, and eventually, right before the happy ending, she’s about to be burned to death as a witch. I love Elisa. I think she’s amazing and badass. And she’s really, in the long run, the only fairytale princess I ever empathized with.

Because I wanted to suffer.

I love stories. I love being told them through books, video games, movies, or roleplay. I don’t think there’s a thing I love in this world more than stories. Sir likes to say that stories define me. He once sent me one of the tweets from MicroSFF and said that it defined me:

Stories were her life.
She’d listen to the end, and say “Then what?”
They went on, until the stars had all gone out.
“Thank you,” she said.

And yet, somehow, I never wanted to be a princess.  I would always have chosen Eponine over Cosette.

See this? This pretty, dirty girl in an alley? Maybe scared. Maybe broken. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. Somewhere, in that darkness behind her, someone might be standing. Watching, waiting. Ready to grab her by her hair and drag her, kicking and screaming, to wherever he wants her.

I’m all right with pretending. I like to play pretend because it’s fun. Because I can deny everything about this for as long as I want, don my pretty dress, and run. But at the end of the chase, when I’ve been wrangled through the mud, what’s underneath it is still this. A pauper, masquerading as a princess, right where she belongs.

Desire. 

That’s the word that comes to mind when I think of the planet Neptune.

Desire isn’t inherently a‘bad’ emotion to feel. It isn’t wrong to desire a partner that meets a certain criteria. Or desire a world in which peace is a prominent common thread linking one person to another. Or just desire a better life for yourself and your loved ones. 

With desire usually comes action to produce a specific outcome. 

Decisions that positively impact those around them for the better can be one way it manifests. Neptune in the earth signs signifies the blending of the material and spiritual world. Making sure the practical things in your life, whether it be the food that you eat or the career you pursue, align with you on a soul level.

Neptune’s placement in the birth chart shows where we can bend over backwards for other people and put their well-being over our own. Often times it’s not done from a place of the ego, but because we tend to see the good in people here, whether it is justified or not. Sometimes we need to swap out the rose-coloured lenses for some good old varifocals.

Fantasy.

Neptune blurs boundaries. Heightens sensitivity. Can amp up confusion. Open the door to imagination but leave you no breadcrumbs to find your way back.

Forget the Sun for a minute, this planet can really steal the show. Photography, music, film, art, beauty all come under its domain. These outlets can transport you to a different time, or trigger memories deep within your unconscious.

Although things can be very much glamour and glitz, Neptune is also able to refine what it show you. Being such a porous energy, it can transform into a situation where your greatest vision come to life and all you need to do is sign on the dotted line. But, you know the small print is there for a reason, right?

If you don’t ground yourself where this planet is concerned it can cause you to struggle with differentiating fact from faction. Chaos and confusion. Paranoia and delusion. Sticky situations.

The higher octave of Venus, Neptune shows you where you need to lead with love. 

And be ten toes down while doing so.

/more little thoughts