#mango goes to jail
apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for.
i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.
so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.
in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.
and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.
i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.
you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.
i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you knowit’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see.
and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao.
i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.
oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.
HEY Y'ALL, i hate to do this but im still in need of help.
My work situation right now is still Complicated AF™️ (ask me privately to explain if you want, i cant say it out loud in a post), and the loss of my freelance client means im BARELY scraping by, if at all. I know we’re all having a REALLY hard time, and i truly hate having to beg like this, but it’s curre tly my only option, considering that every month now im currently barely making 10% of my usual monthly salary, but my i still have bills and necessities. Really, ANY LITTLE BIT could help.
Paypal’s the best way to help me at the moment. I would be SO VERY SINCERELY appreciative.
If you’re unable to or would rather not share anything (perfectly okay of course), a reblog of this would also be super appreciated.
Thanks so much for understanding, hope you’re sll doing as well as you possibly could.
hey everyone, im so sorry to keep reblogging this but things really are quite tight right now. I know we’re all feeling the hella crunch of course, but if you’ve anything you can or are willing to spare, i’d be super appreciative.
HEY Y'ALL, i hate to do this but im still in need of help.
My work situation right now is still Complicated AF™️ (ask me privately to explain if you want, i cant say it out loud in a post), and the loss of my freelance client means im BARELY scraping by, if at all. I know we’re all having a REALLY hard time, and i truly hate having to beg like this, but it’s curre tly my only option, considering that every month now im currently barely making 10% of my usual monthly salary, but my i still have bills and necessities. Really, ANY LITTLE BIT could help.
Paypal’s the best way to help me at the moment. I would be SO VERY SINCERELY appreciative.
If you’re unable to or would rather not share anything (perfectly okay of course), a reblog of this would also be super appreciated.
Thanks so much for understanding, hope you’re sll doing as well as you possibly could.
HEY Y'ALL, i hate to do this but im still in need of help.
My work situation right now is still Complicated AF™️ (ask me privately to explain if you want, i cant say it out loud in a post), and the loss of my freelance client means im BARELY scraping by, if at all. I know we’re all having a REALLY hard time, and i truly hate having to beg like this, but it’s curre tly my only option, considering that every month now im currently barely making 10% of my usual monthly salary, but my i still have bills and necessities. Really, ANY LITTLE BIT could help.
Paypal’s the best way to help me at the moment. I would be SO VERY SINCERELY appreciative.
If you’re unable to or would rather not share anything (perfectly okay of course), a reblog of this would also be super appreciated.
Thanks so much for understanding, hope you’re sll doing as well as you possibly could.
HI IM AROUND IM STILL AROUND and i plan to continue my gifsets despite the fact they’re not really getting a lot of traction, the low traction on the recent gifsets actually de-motivated me for a while, as well as what feels like a seasonal bout of depression exacerbated by many MANY things (including but not limited to being very broke with too many bills to pay and not enough paying work, and also the fucking astronomical heat we’ve been having down here in Manila), but i’ll be back with more gifs soon. in the meantime, if u’ve got tiktok, i’ve been pretty busy there with Haisute edits, go find me there as mangociana.
also if u can spare even a little bit of change, my paypal is over here.
i absolutely H A T E to do this, especially at a time like this, and i truly wouldn’t do this if i had any other choice, but i am quite desperate at this point :(
for understandable and valid, if unfortunate, reasons, i haven’t been able to work properly for almost a year now. over the past few months as well, my ONE SINGLE freelance client has been touch-and-go, and in fact asked me not to do any work in february and april, meaning i had two months where i had literally no earned money. no income has come in, but bills still keep rolling in as per usual, and it is rough goings.
i know we’re all out here basically passing around the same hard-earned 10 dollars, but if anyone can spare anything, any help would be greatly appreciated. i know im not the only one with bills to pay and meds and essentials to buy, so it absolutely feels selfish and shameful to be begging on the internet for change, and i would honestly rather be on the giving than asking end. so im very, VERY sorry to have to be asking for help like this, but i really am in a hard spot right now.
for anyone who can/would like to help, paypal is the best way to do it. if you’re unable to or would rather not give anything, that’s totally fine, although i would request a reblog of this post please in case it reaches someone who can help.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help that can be extended my way, monetary or otherwise.
all the help so far has been such a BIG, BIG…well, help, and im SO grateful! im getting through the month just fine so far with what little i have and your kind gestures, whether financially or with a reblog. BUT it seems i wont have my one freelance client either this month, and since they pay me only at the end of each month, that means June is going to be rough goings as well.
i HATE to keep asking like this, and i really truly wouldnt if i had other routes (and please believe me, short of applying for quick loans via apps that pile on so much interest and are only too quick to chase you when payment due date is nearby, i am very much looking while toeing the line of what i can do for work that wont be a breach of my contract at my regular employment), and of course, majority of the world is very much still in trouble as well with finances, so im honestly VERY SORRY to keep asking for help like this. but truly, any little bit would be helpful. if you’re unable or not quite willing to share for any reason (i dont blame you or hold that against you), a reblog of this post would also be VERY welcome.
thanks a lot for your kindness and patience <3
i absolutely H A T E to do this, especially at a time like this, and i truly wouldn’t do this if i had any other choice, but i am quite desperate at this point :(
for understandable and valid, if unfortunate, reasons, i haven’t been able to work properly for almost a year now. over the past few months as well, my ONE SINGLE freelance client has been touch-and-go, and in fact asked me not to do any work in february and april, meaning i had two months where i had literally no earned money. no income has come in, but bills still keep rolling in as per usual, and it is rough goings.
i know we’re all out here basically passing around the same hard-earned 10 dollars, but if anyone can spare anything, any help would be greatly appreciated. i know im not the only one with bills to pay and meds and essentials to buy, so it absolutely feels selfish and shameful to be begging on the internet for change, and i would honestly rather be on the giving than asking end. so im very, VERY sorry to have to be asking for help like this, but i really am in a hard spot right now.
for anyone who can/would like to help, paypal is the best way to do it. if you’re unable to or would rather not give anything, that’s totally fine, although i would request a reblog of this post please in case it reaches someone who can help.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help that can be extended my way, monetary or otherwise.
i absolutely H A T E to do this, especially at a time like this, and i truly wouldn’t do this if i had any other choice, but i am quite desperate at this point :(
for understandable and valid, if unfortunate, reasons, i haven’t been able to work properly for almost a year now. over the past few months as well, my ONE SINGLE freelance client has been touch-and-go, and in fact asked me not to do any work in february and april, meaning i had two months where i had literally no earned money. no income has come in, but bills still keep rolling in as per usual, and it is rough goings.
i know we’re all out here basically passing around the same hard-earned 10 dollars, but if anyone can spare anything, any help would be greatly appreciated. i know im not the only one with bills to pay and meds and essentials to buy, so it absolutely feels selfish and shameful to be begging on the internet for change, and i would honestly rather be on the giving than asking end. so im very, VERY sorry to have to be asking for help like this, but i really am in a hard spot right now.
for anyone who can/would like to help, paypal is the best way to do it. if you’re unable to or would rather not give anything, that’s totally fine, although i would request a reblog of this post please in case it reaches someone who can help.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help that can be extended my way, monetary or otherwise.
hello, engeki-haikyuu tag on tumblr
i just saw that someone reposted my entire “Tetsuko and Kenko” gifset with the gifs in non-chronological order. i did not, and will not ever, give permission to repost my gifs like that. for those of you that don’t know, reposting someone else’s work just like that, especially without proper permission, is a big no-no.
i’ve properly and politely asked the person who did it to please take that post down and to reblog my post instead, and i hope they do at least take it down. some of you might not think it’s a big deal, but it kind of is to me, considering i can’t art and i havent been able to write fanfic in AGES, so i feel like GIFs are the only thing i can make and contribute anymore, and considering how my Haisute gifsets aren’t even getting anywhere near as many notes - let alone reblogs coz i guess the trend has changed and people dont like to reblog things anymore the way we used to back in the 2010s - as my Critical Role gifsets and some of my BNHA Ultra Stage gifsets, it really sucks to see someone else take away from those scant few notes even more. reposting feels like someone else taking credit and attention away from my work, even passing it off as their own in some cases, and in most circles that’s called plagiarism, which, you know, is not cool.
so i know i havent been putting the “PLEASE DO NOT REPOST” request on my gifsets like most people do, but that’s because a) i use a very visible watermark on my gifsets in the hopes it will discourage reposting without permission, and b) being reposted this much, where an entire gifset was stolen and re-uploaded just in a different order, has never really happened to me before. i do not want to have to start putting that request in my gifsets, and i’ve been making gifsets since all the way back in 2010 (i’ve been here since 2009). so im just asking people to please be respectful and not repost work that isn’t their own willy-nilly. if you get proper permission to post someone else’s art or fic or whatever, that’s great, but don’t just do it without permission. if you ask but are rejected or ignored, don’t defy that, don’t repost.
so this is a blanket post now to remind everyone that while i am VERY appreciative of reblogs of my gifsets, and i’m so glad you like them even if i’m way behind on my love for Haisute coz i just started watching them in january this year, i do not allow reposts of my gifsets. maybe if one or two gifs appear in a compilation with other ppl’s gifs, i can let that go. using my gifs as reactions in posts is also okay in general. BUT what i dont allow is the downloading/saving of my gifsets and then reuploading them as your own post. doesn’t that take way more time than just hitting REBLOG anyway? you can try to ask me for permission to repost my gifsets, but i can guarantee you that 99% of the time, my answer will be no, and i would really appreciate it if that answer was respected.
also, i would rather that people didnt post my gifs anywhere else outside of tumblr. in the case of Haisute, @engekihaikyuu has a post on why their scans and gifs getting reposted outside of tumblr could be troublesome in terms of how japanese fandom works, and the same honestly stands for my gifs. i’m happy to make them and post them here for people to enjoy, and for those who don’t know that these stage musicals are a thing to maybe discover them - i’ve seen a LOT of people discover that the BNHA Ultra Stage musical/s exist coz of the gifsets i made a couple of years ago of the first one. but long story short, japanese fandom is far more respectful and appreciative of copyright and proper fan support when it comes to merch, art, interviews and photos, that sort of thing, and it’s already kind of pushing the limit of what’s okay by making gifsets here on tumblr, where there is far fewer japanese fandom to run into than on twitter. (there’s nothing we can do about google, unfortunately, google’s algorithms and tumblr bots like tumblar and tumgir will find and aggregate them into the search results.)
this has gone on longer than i was expecting it to, so tl;dr, please dont repost other fan’s crafted work, especially without permission. rediscover the reblog button, please. if you’d like to have my gifsets on your blog, feel free to check out my “GIFCIANA” tag on my blog and reblog from there.
