#marcus henderson

Original Air Date: November 12, 1997.

TW - THEMES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT 

Now I know why Yvette needed those self defense classes. It was to defend herself against the most annoying little shit to ever re-occuringly appear on this show.

Deion, who honestly should have gotten his ass whooped for everything he eventually ends up doing in B-plot land and who is currently in the running for most frequent future member of the Black Manosphere, has set his sights on Yvette. Yvette understandably doesn’t want to go out with him though, as she is hiding from him. But I get it because like in the last episode, we all are aware of what happens when a woman says no to a man.

In fact, this episode actually makes me kind of sad because Yvette has to resort to so many methods of gently letting him down since Deion just cannot take a hint. While it’s bogus that she has to use TJ as a buffer, it just goes to show you the fear a lot of women have when it comes to rejecting men.

Anyway, Yvette goes poof and Deion asks TJ where she is. After he leaves, Yvette comes back from her hiding spot behind a Penguin cardboard and asks how many times she has to tell that guy ‘no.’ Girl, not enough.

Deion pops back up after TJ is giving Yvette an unnecessary lesson about the word ‘no’ in different languages although I’m sure no matter what language it was told in, the response from a toxic male was always the same.

Because Yvette has run out of excuses, she is now using TJ as a buffer. After claiming he has a bladder infection, she ushers a confused TJ away from Deion. Glad that’s over!

Sike. When she gets home, Deion has left her a shitload of messages on the Henderson family answering machine. Now I understand that for the sake of the plot, everyone’s number just seems to be available for public consumption, but Yvette probably did give Deion her real number to get him to go away for a little bit. Although Adult Aspyn would have given him a fake number, this is high school. She unfortunately has to see her stalker everyday so she most likely figured giving him her real number and then simply ignoring him would suffice. It doesn’t.

TJ is concerned but for the wrong reasons. First, TJ says Yvette has to do something about this guy because although TJ is already 10 or 11 and in high school, the absolute most traumatic thing that could happen to him is a bout with urinary incontinence. I get it, TJ is a kid, but honestly, this is exactly how most adult men would react. Fuck you and your safety, my ego is at risk here!

Outside, Mo has just arrived to see Marcus outside freezing his buns off. He has a way bigger problem than Yvette right now: his scholarly ineptitude is about to be exposed to his father unless he can intercept the mail before his pappy gets home. The plan backfires.

Floyd is big mad because Marcus did an average at best job on his grades. I personally don’t understand his rage, though. I get it, C’s aren’t the best thing in the world, but he’s not failing. I understand, Floyd just wants the best for his kids but I wish he’d realize that college isn’t for everyone and there is literally no shame in being an average student but learning a trade or something. He unknowingly sets him up just for this when, as punishment, Floyd tells Marcus that he’s going to be working with him, fixing roofs after school and on weekends. 

The next day at school, Mr. Millitich, someone we’ll actually see again and who has zero bedside manner, comes up to TJ at lunch and recommends a cream for his imaginary ass rash. Then some students come up to TJ and start scanning his head for lice. Yvette is really putting TJ through a fake ringer but in a few episodes, he’ll totally deserve it.

Like the leftover glitter from an art project that just never goes away, here comes Deion, this time with a mute, obviously-not-teenage bodyguard in tow. I guess his strategy here was that if Yvette rejected him, he would make this dark-skinned Random Task beat up Yvette.

Yvette rejects him again, now using TJ’s webbed feet as an excuse. TJ has had enough. He actually pushes Random Task aside and tells Deion that Yvette can’t go out with him because she already has a man. Deion then says he “respects turf” which is bullshit as we will later find out. But since TJ needs an appropriate, bigger male to intimidate Deion, he selects Mo.

Next, we cut to Marcus hating his job and complaining about his body hurting. Considering that he was used as a human dummy in the previous episode, I’m  honestly not shocked. However, that was his own damn fault. Floyd is hoping this punishment will make him want to go to college. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

We cut back to the Henderson crib where TJ is coaching Yvette and Mo on how to act like a couple to throw off Deion’s scent. For the sake of the episode, we will pretend that these teenagers have no idea how to act like a couple and need TJ to show them. They squabble back and forth about what Yvette will and won’t accept. After a few clips of Mo expressing his thirst and Yvette shooting him down, they agree on the terms, minus kissing. Sorry, Mo. I do like that this episode sets up Mo x Yvette which I lowkey wish would have happened because they actually have awesome chemistry. 

The next day, Yvette and Mo are acting like a couple at lunch and really selling it. Mo even hands her Hershey’s Kiss chocolates and  OmG ThEy aRe sO CuTe tOgEtHeR EeK. He leaves to get her a soda and the moment is immediately ruined by Deion ‘I-respect-turf’ White. Here he comes, throwing Yvette a lone rose, back with his mute, 35-year-old bodyguard, bragging about spending a whole $6 on her. Although I’m sure he’s heard that Yvette and Mo are an item, as TJ is mentioning in passing, he is still trying to pursue her. Look, I get it, Yvette is pretty and smart and you think you deserve a woman like her but you don’t. Ok, you just don’t.

When Yvette refuses and very politely I may add, Deion immediately catches an attitude. But here comes Mo, swooping in to save his damsel in distress from this dumb dusty. This heroic act earns Mo a kiss on the lips although it wasn’t part of the deal. Turns out women actually like when men respect them and keep them safe. Who knew?

So Yvette leaves and I just can’t, Mo is so cute and it’s obvious he’s really into Yvette and so much so that he pays a stunt double to do three backflips for him to exacerbate the point. Aww. Almost makes me forget that he was sexually assaulting women with his best friend in the previous episode.

We cut to Marcus actually enjoying life, not being tired after working. Floyd’s plan is definitely unraveling faster than a punctured Rodarte sweater circa 2008. Once he tells Marcus that he gets paid on Fridays, he’s already doing the math in his head. Marcus would net $800/month, yes, a month,working this job. 

That is all. 

Anyways, it’s enough to make Marcus give a permanent middle finger to his already nonexistent college dreams. This only gives Floyd more rage fuel to make the job seem as terrible as possible. However, he is realistic when he factors in how long he’ll have to be working there to make half a million.

Oh inflation, how I loathe thee.

Anyways, Mo is just making me ship he and Yvette even harder. Apparently, he is going above and beyond with this role because he came with Yvette to her poetry club. Listen ladies, when a man is really into you, he will do anything for you. He’s even holding her bag for her! What a gentleman! Maybe all that ass-kicking from his time spent as a dummy actually taught him a lesson on how to respect women!

Mo thanks TJ for setting them up and it really sounds like Mo is falling for our Yvette but TJ has to remind him that it’s a PRrelationship. I don’t know why, seeing as Mo threatened to split Deion’s wig and he thankfully hasn’t popped back up, but I also think Yvette is hesitant to be with him although their ship gets teased a lot through the series.

TJ’s hormones haven’t kicked in just yet, so he doesn’t get why dancing would make a woman fall for a guy–it doesn’t, it’s just a prelude to sex–but Mo is convinced Yvette will be forever his after their tango. He even pantomimes the dance with his backpack. 

Back at Piedmont, the dance is revving up. There’s about 30-40 students here ready to get crunk. TJ is DJ-ing and Mo is still flitting about trying to make the scene right for his lady. Y’all, I really love Mo, he’s so cute. He even shouts her out over the microphone. This man is sprung.com.

However, another tall light-skinned dude pulls a very seemingly spoken for Yvette right from under Mo’s nose and Yvette just goes along with it and lets him know it was a PRrelationship. Boo, Yvette. I know you don’t owe any man anything but why not Mo? He actually became fine to me in this episode.

TJ begins covering for Mo, who bought a freaking necklace for Yvette–beat that, Deion!–but left it in the car, by playing anything but Boyz II Men and Brian McKnight. 

Back in B-plot land, Marcus is hanging out with his fellow roofers, scoffing at the thought of returning to high school life. Once the roofer dude starts making the job sound like hell, especially the ‘no women’ part, that’s all the motivation Marcus needs to run back to high school. Floyd’s plan worked but I’m actually annoyed with Floyd. If being a roofer is so terrible, why is he one? What’s wrong with Marcus skipping college and learning a trade while he pursues his music? Plus, the guy has three kids, you think he’d be a little more relieved that he only has to shell out money for two FAFSA applications. 

So Marcus runs back to school and sees Mo and Yvette dancing. I’m surprised he’s so okay with it, seeing as most guys hate the thought of their best friends even breathing near their sisters. Pretty mature of him, not going to lie. Again, Mo’s fineness spiked to astronomical levels during this dance. He’s having so much fun with Yvette.

Even after this sultry ass dance, Yvette still wants to dance with Garrett. I personally would have said Garrett who, but can’t knock the girl for having options! Mo actually does seem heartbroken when Yvette dumps him but Mo kisses her on the cheek and tells her good luck with Garrett. I fucking love Mo, y’all. We’ll never see Garrett again. Well, technically we will, but he’ll have a different name.

TJ is also an Yvette x Mo shipper! He says that he and Yvette looked better on the dance floor. His heartbrokenness wears off two seconds later when a PYT in a velvet skater dress asks for a dance. 

Something tells me Mo will be just fine. 

This would have been a solid ending but then, and I wish I was fucking joking, this episode literally ends with Marcus being overly aggressive with a girl who clearly doesn’t want him! It’s played as a joke but this girl seriously does not want Marcus anywhere near her and he’s still being handsy.

Somebody slingshot his ass back on the roof where he belongs. 

Things I Noticed:

- The actor who plays Deion is actually Mr. Dig from Lizzie McGuire and I swear I was today years old when I realized it. 

- The actor who plays Garrett plays another love interest of Yvette’s in a future episode. They are really bad with recycling actors on this show. 

- Floyd tells Marcus to bring in whatever groceries Mo hasn’t eaten after delivering his punishment. I really have too much proof to support my theory that Mo lives in an abusive, neglectful household.

- Piedmont has the tackiest decorations ever.

Original Air Date: November 5th, 1997

*Trigger Warning - Themes of Sexual Assault/Rape Culture

Okay. This might be a long ass review because when I finally decided to continue on with this blog A WHOLE ASS YEAR LATER, I naturally had to check to see what the next episodes are.

Lo and behold, what follows is a string of extremely unsettling and high-key problematic behavior towards women that happens in multiple episodes. In fact, there are three episodes in a row! They followed each other like the Human Centipede! Yvette is unfortunately the victim, either directly or indirectly, in a few of them, in fact. 

We begin this episode with Marcus and Mo talking about stupid basketball or something. I don’t even know why they care because their team is a joke and only won games when TJ coached. Their little basketball plans get interrupted because Yvette is pulling out mats for her women’s self defense class. 

Finally, a decision made by Piedmont that I actually agree with! Every woman should definitely learn how to protect herself and this should be something mandated in high schools so we can prevent more women from experiencing sexual assault until rape culture is dismantled. Good job, Piedmont! Naturally, the boys are okay with this, knowing that they are men and a part of the problem whether they like it or not. They graciously apologize and head out to find another location to shoot hoops.

Sike. Did we really expect anything noble from this dumb duo? Marcus is the horniest boy on the show and Mo more than likely would become an active–andenthusiastic–participant in his own statutory rape. 

Marcus and Mo proceed to belittle their self defense class, treating it as if it’s just a big ass slumber party, not a series of techniques that have to be taught to women because mensimplycannotprocesstheword“no”withoutthrowingatantruminwhicheithersomeone’slifeisatriskorsomeonegetshurt. Yvette has to remind “these jokers” that their teacher is an ex-Navy Seal with lethal popsicle stick skills for them to pipe down.

You would think they’d keep the same energy when the rest of the ladies walk in, but nope! Mo’s wee-wee starts tingling at the sight of the girls doing some light stretching before learning how to fend off an attacker for being rejected or whatever ego-bruising was done. The two then decide to finagle their way into this class to…what? What the fuck do they want to do, exactly? It’s a self defense class. What, do you want to play the role of the guy she has to fend off? Do you think this ex-Navy Seal is going to teach these men the moves that women need to learn to defend themselves from them? That’s literally like giving your enemy the gun. I just…what? I’m literally rolling my eyes watching these two. I’m pretty sure they didn’t think they’d be used as human dummies, an excellent choice, in my opinion. I get it, they’re stupid Horny Teenage Boyz ™ but this is exactly where the shit starts. And the lawsuits begin.

Mo and Marcus are now discussing their problematic plan with TJ, who usually plays along with whatever misogynistic moment is unfolding. Maybe it’s to fit in with the guys, maybe it’s because TJ just hates women and/or has mommy issues since his succumbed to the Dead Mom disease. Seriously, moms in Disney movies really just go poof and there’s no real explanation. We still don’t know how their mom passed.

TJ suggests they use the law of reverse disenfranchisement in which they argue that it’s sexist to not permit them to join a women’s self defense class just as it would be sexist for men to cut them out of something simply because of gender.

I want to jump through this screen because it’s a false equivalence and because things that exclude the majority of a group exist for a reason. HBCUs exist for a reason even though white people still attend and manage to steal the spotlight from the people who are supposed to be benefitting from attending. Gay/queer clubs exist for a reason, besides hosting amazing drag shows. Women-only things exist for a reason. Ugh. Fuck these clowns.

Apparently, Marcus suggested dressing like a girl to get in, probably unknowingly inspiring the plot of a movie that would be released 5 years later. Once he begins describing what slingbacks are, the guys look at Marcus like he’s sus. 

Anyways, the teacher enters the classroom and orders Marcus to take off his hat because of a rule that I’m more than certain he has expressed before: no hats in class. Is it a little racist? Yes, at least maybe I think so because damn, what if you’re having a bad hair day? The times in between my last retwist and my upcoming retwist warrant a hat sometimes, just saying…

Marcus surrenders his beanie but Mr. Delk, yet another teacher we’ll never see again, is going to be bothered more by TJ than Marcus’s stupid banana yellow hat. I guess he was really inspired by P. Diddy or something.

TJ doesn’t belong in public school at all but his dad most likely cannot afford elite education for him. So TJ is left to outsmart his teacher and bring up facts and other tidbits that most of them probably don’t know because they’re only doing this teenage babysitting gig to get out of paying their student loans and are just reciting shit from an outdated textbook since they teach in a low income–aka Black–area and are giving you quizzes and tests to measure your reading comprehension. Am I a little bitter over the shit education I received? No, what makes you think that? 

Now granted, TJ actually did have a good argument with the establishment of colonies and whatnot and I’m sure he would make for great reading material on Reddit comment boards, but TJ, like most boys/men, don’t know how to read the room. We’re in school. It’s boring, it’s pointless, we know you’re still not being challened enough, but just let this man do his job. I know TJ is a child but sometimes he acts like an adult who obviously knows better but switches back and forth frequently. Please don’t call me insensitive, it’s just hard to empathize with him sometimes because he’s so damn cunning.

Of course, TJ doesn’t stop and continues pretending to be the teacher. Mr. Delk rightfully tells TJ to just write down his bountiful musings. So he does. With a whole ass laptop that he’s typing furiously loud on. I know this man is probably racist but I actually feel bad for him.

We’re at the Henderson crib now. TJ and Marcus are both butthurt over the confiscation of their personal items, namely Marcus’s P. Diddy-esque hat and TJ’s gigantic laptop. Of course, TJ is not telling the whole story, so Papa Floyd is tight. Naturally, he doesn’t give a shit about Marcus’s hat because of its trivial nature. Fuck that hat.

Jeez, nobody in this family has learned anything when it comes to this white man. Yvette comes in and Floyd asks her about this Mr. Delk. Yvette says he has 12, count ‘em, twelve of her hats. Look, I know it’s the 90s and things are not astronomically priced yet, but if you can help it, at least stop wearing the damn hats to class? Take 'em off and then put them back on later? I don’t know if I’m on the teacher’s side or the student’s side, but maybe there’s a dress code or something? I take my fashion seriously as well, but geez.

It’s the next day. Marcus is actually waiting for Yvette outside of the girl’s bathroom to pester her to let he and Mo in the women’s self defense class. Yvette already knows, hip to her brother’s asshattery and declines instantly. The two attempt to use the whole double standard narrative on Yvette, who is smarter than both of them and figures out the best way to utilize them.

Now, I understand–actually, no, I don’t–how teenage boys operate when it comes to even the microscopic chance of getting laid, but to become a dummy for a woman’s self defense class? Even Mo asks if this is even worth it. No. It is not worth it. You’re being creeps. Yvette thanks them by walking over Marcus and Mo’s stomachs respectively. I love Yvette. 

It’s early morning as I write this and I am trying my hardest not to raise my cortisol levels but these idiots are walking into Mr. Delk’s classroom discussing which girl is cuter, the one who used mace or the one with the chokehold. This is literally rape culture defined. A girl tells you no or fights you off and you take that as a cue to keep trying until she changes her mind because fuck what the meat popsicle with titties has to say. She’s not an actual person. The fact that they’re doing all of this just to ask them out later is the exact reason why they even need this defense class to begin with.

Mackey’s dumb ass also decided to wear a hat to this man’s classroom. Ok, I take it back, he’s not racist, these kids are just really uncooperative. 

TJ begins disrupting the class yet again, arguing back and forth about the Declaration of Independence. The school ends up calling Floyd because duh, TJ is preventing his teacher from doing his job. He’s also preventing the other students from learning, too. Floyd has to know that TJ isn’t telling the whole story. When he emerges from Mr. Delk’s classroom, hatless–I really hope a grown man didn’t force another grown man to take off his hat…–and upset with TJ. TJ ends up running away after complaining that his dad is taking Mr. Delk’s side.

Back at the Henderson crib, Marcus is pondering whether or not his future wife broke his rib. TJ asks if there’s a less dangerous way he can get his dick wet. This is the only time I agree with TJ in this episode. Marcus asks what TJ is doing and it turns out the lil’ narcissist is simply not going to just take this L and keep it pushing. Oh no, now he’s doing research and getting written proof to prove this poor, underpaid man wrong. Marcus doesn’t think he can accomplish this feat of getting a teacher to admit he’s wrong, but he clearly doesn’t know his little brother.

Floyd comes in and TJ is being shitty towards him. Not surprising at all. You disagree with TJ, you’re on his bad side for life until you kiss his ass again. Afterwards, we cut to Mo and Marcus flirting with the women who are kicking their asses. And the girls are actually going along with it? What? But then I thought about it. Knowing Yvette, she told the girls about them and they’re just pretending to be interested. This girl is so over the top and fake with her delivery that I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just helping Yvette teach them a lesson.

Mo shoots his shot with this gorgeous dark-skinned girl who blows him off at first because she made him cry and she feels bad. Mo is persistent, however, and she relents. I really hope this part of the act. Yvette walks past and tells the boys that they’re both “going to hell for this,” and in true hetero male fashion, Marcus tells her that at least they’re going with dates. I cannah.

It’s a new day in Mr. Delk’s classroom and before this man can even say 'good morning’ to his students, TJ is already revved up. He presents Mr. Delk with proof that we’ve all been barbequing on the wrong day and that we should be getting August 2nd off instead.

Unfortunately, after TJ’s win, the class gets disrespectful as fuck for no reason. Again, I actually feel bad for this guy. He just wants to do his job and now that he’s lost control of these kids, he can’t. They don’t trust anything he says. Just kidding, they don’t wanna do any work, that’s all.

A defeated Delk calls TJ to the class and although I’m sure he wished corporal punishment was still a thing, he instead just hands the pointer to TJ and leaves the classroom. With the little guy in charge, the class is finally free to not learn, yay! TJ does try to teach the class but they are so not taking orders from a preteen. Everyone proceeds to defiantly put their hats back on. These kids really take their headwear seriously.

TJ sulks back to the teacher’s lounge where he and Mr. Delk have a heart to heart. He actually seems like a nice guy, still open to hearing out TJ and even teaching him a lesson in the process. However, we never see him again so I assume this was the final straw and he just wanted to make nice with the kid before he quit or transferred to another district.

Marcus and Mo are back at the Henderson crib preparing for their dates but they’re sore from being beat the fuck up by their future baby mamas. The girls come over, dressed in their adorable 90s outfits and help the boys get comfy since they can’t move. Then they bounce. I love it. They were in on the plan. I really can’t believe the boys thought these two queens would sit at home with them when they were clearly dressed to go out but more hetero male things have happened. They end up watching the Golden Girls together. Hey, at least they have each other.

A bewildered Floyd comes home as the ladies are leaving, confused as to why they’re not with the boys. Floyd doesn’t even bother to ask. He’s come to settle things with TJ. However, TJ is finally being level-headed and admits to his wrongdoings. This was funny. Floyd was preparing to go back and forth with TJ for about 120 minutes so he decides to fill that time with a movie instead. They even share a cute little moment where Floyd gives him a piggyback ride. Aww.

Things I noticed:

- “Trust me Morris, the Medieval Saxons did not invent the Saxophone.” The dryness in the way Mr. Delk delivered that line took me out.

-  TJ imitates Mo sleeping with his eyes open. Later on in the series, Mo will fall asleep, not only with his eyes open but standing up. What the fuck has this teenage boy been through where he can dissociate on the spot and fall asleep without closing his goddamn eyelids? First he’s breaking into their house to eat and now this?

- The girl who was choking Marcus was the perky drive-thru lady in the Disney horror film Under Wraps! She was also in Power Rangers Turbo.

Original air date: October 29th, 1997

Usually, the B plot is reserved for silly nonsense that has little to do with the A plot, which is driving the story. To me, a B plot just gives a side character something to do for about 7-10 minutes of screentime. But this time, Yvette is being used to show viewers a very common dilemma when dating, at least for women anyway. If the genders were reversed, it would probably be treated as normal. 

Yvette is doing her normal maternal routine of entertaining TJ’s outlandish ideas about an upcoming video project when she runs into her episode-appointed white friend. She has a few of these who we’ll never see again but Nina manages to stick around the longest. This one is joining Yvette while she tears down another woman for being dumber than her. No, just kidding. She’s tearing her down for being dumber than her AND snagging an intellectual hottie.

Literally the minute Yvette finishes her rant, she bumps into a sexy tall guy and proceeds to malfunction. She can’t even tell him where chemistry class is because she was too busy soaking her panties. TJ smirks at the camera, realizing his sister is just like the boys she was complaining about no less than a minute ago. Thanks for the thumbnail shot, Teej!

Remember that video project? Mackie is about to get a shitty grade because all he did was film his alcoholic dad sleeping. TJ informs yet another teacher we’ll never see again that his group has chosen to use historical Washington D.C. buildings as the backdrop of their project for this juxtaposition narrative. Of course, TJ is a control freak and has not bothered to mention this to his group members, one of which, includes Taraji P. Henson, who would go on to also play an Yvette herself.

When TJ chastises them for being too lazy to come up with ideas, Mo offers one. Because it’s Mo, we already know it’s not going to work. He reiterates the plot of “Do the Right Thing.” Teacher lady tells him to sit his ass down. Marcus actually offers an idea that makes sense and one I don’t know why he didn’t just offer earlier? A music video with his band!

TJ immediately shuts it down because it wasn’t his idea, although this underpaid teacher is on board. This is one of the things I really despise about TJ. If it wasn’t his idea, he’s immediately against it. I see a little narcissist in the making.

Back at the Henderson crib, Yvette is gushing about Xavier’s swim meet. Just as she’s clearly about to take him upstairs so he can do a different version of diving, Floyd comes in and totally cockblocks. He demands Xavier sit down although Yvette tells him not to. He does anyway. You better listen to Papa Floyd!

Once Xavier starts talking, we see why Yvette probably wanted to dodge her father in the first place. Xavier begs to leave once Floyd, just by asking a couple of questions, has already deemed this man a complete moron. Welp, at least he has goals and will end up at the Olympics one day! Just don’t ask him where they’ll take place. Although, to be fair, he could have just been anxious here. Hot people get nervous too!

Yvette lets Xavier dip out even though I’m sure they had “other” plans. She says she’ll see him tomorrow and he actually asks “where?” After he leaves, Yvette starts to feel bad because she knows she’s a hypocrite. Who is she to judge other women for being dumb and dating smart guys when she’s smart and is dating this dumb guy just because he’s tall and hot and has abs? After Yvette leaves, unfairly comparing him to TJ, Floyd then insults Marcus and Mo by saying Xavier is not even as smart as them. Another unfair comparison as Marcus and Mo are just lazy, if anything. We see in a later episode that Mo can get good grades as long as he thinks he’s on drugs. And we all know Marcus only applies himself when it comes to music.

When Marcus and TJ come home, they’re arguing about the project. TJ thinks Marcus should be happy with just having his music playing but Marcus wants his band in the video. Eventually, Floyd steps in to remind his son that he needs to consider everyone’s opinion. Right. The next scene is TJ going over the storyboards for the video. Instead of actually listening to the gang’s stupid ideas, TJ just goes with the automated response of “I’ll think about it” which usually means no. However, it’s better than TJ unfairly flexing his power or trying to jump start his brother’s nervous breakdown so I guess we should be happy.

Not for too long, though! When TJ gets home, he sees that Marcus has gone and held a damn casting session for the video. TJ is understandably annoyed because the only thing more powerful than TJ’s high IQ and manipulation skills is a teenage boy’s hormones.

Yvette lauds TJ for not succumbing to the perils of superficiality until Xavier starts posing, reducing himself to what Yvette was just talking against. Marcus calls her out because he sees Yvette is finally doing what he’s been doing: treating the opposite sex like a carbon meat popsicle. He even calls him Flipper and Yvette accidentally repeats it. When Yvette retreats into the house, TJ announces that he’s the director and asks if anyone has a problem with it.

Gilligan cut to TJ talking to his episode-appointed teacher telling him that people have smoke with him for being a control freak. His teacher threatens to replace him unless he tightens up and begins collaborating with his teammates. TJ pleads with his teacher and pretends to enjoy receiving criticism. I low-key want to make a .gif of him going, "I’m listening to criticism and I’m liking it!”

The next day, Yvette is spoiling her man with gifts at school. I’m assuming the sex is good because they have to have only been dating a few days. Weeks maybe? I assume episodes are usually on a day-by-day timeframe. Anyways, dumb ass Xavier is literally trying to find his gift by pulling the gifts out of the bag. See, he’s not bright, so he doesn’t realize that the books are the gift. He actually thinks Yvette is pissed at him. I would love guys who get that pissed off at me.

Yvette becomes exasperated at the thought that yes, sweetie, you’re dating an aquatic dumb jock. A nice one, but still. Yvette confesses to her episode-appointed white bestie that she feels bad because she’s willingly decided to date someone who doesn’t challenge her intellectually.

We cut to TJ and the gang chatting in Mr. Feeny’s classroom about their video project, TJ’s effort to be more collaborative. First, Monique, AKA Taraji, vetoes the leather hats idea because she is a vegetarian, I assume. As everyone begins putting their two cents in, we see that TJ is now equating collaboration with giving in to all of their ideas. But remember, TJ is a control freak, so he can only stand listening to someone else’s ideas for so long. He hides behind Mr. Feeny’s desk and sulks.

Meanwhile, Yvette attempts to dump Xavier with her friend–apparently her name is Tammy–in tow. She literally admits to Yvette that the moment he’s back on the market, she’s shooting her shot because she knows most successfulBlackathletesdon’tbelieveincondoms. Now I see why she only lasted one episode. When Xavier comes out of the locker room, body glistening, Yvette obviously can’t even continue with the dumping. She says she’ll see him later, fully clothed, and drags her drooling soon-to-be-ex-friend away with her.

Cut to the filming of the video. I actually did like this concept and the song choice does illustrate the nature of America, pimping people out, “dogging them” if you will, but asking its victims not to hate them, as it is the nature of the game. Everything is going well until the slides are projected and literally everyone has a problem with each one. The only one that made sense to me was one of the dancers saying to remove the Jefferson memorial, as he owned slaves. The dancers + Monique begin arguing about imperialism! We love to see it. TJ leaves. He’s over this shit.

We cut back to the Henderson crib where Yvette is about to dump Xavier. But this fool can’t hear her because he has his earplugs in. Poor Yvette. She’s just been yapping and yapping and he’s just staring at her, watching her mouth move but not putting two and two together. She’s exasperated but Xavier sees nothing wrong with what they have. TJ barges in and starts whining about his group, demanding an audience. In the midst of his rant, he says that everyone is always overthinking everything and won’t just let things be. This is what makes Yvette decide to continue seeing Xavier because although he’s a dumb jock, he is sweet. He even admits to her that he likes how intellectual she is. Aww. We’ll never see him again. Guess Yvette got sick of reading him those books she gifted.

TJ is now whining to his long-suffering father who is about to help him see the faults in his approach and suggests that TJ find a happy middle ground where he isn’t a tyrant nor a pushover. He returns to school two hours later–I guess they’re within walking distance because they literally come and go as they please–and sees the group is now arguing over what to order. None of them noticed TJ left but he is about to assert his presence for sure. He finally asks each member what they want to contribute and they all have a level-headed discussion. TJ turns on the camera and then presents this whole conversation as his video project. I personally would have gone with the music video idea, but the episode-appointed teacher liked it so, whatever. Roll cred–I mean, the video!

Things I Noticed:

- TJ agrees to cut the hats because he doesn’t want Monique to wear a “face on her head.” That line still cracks me up.

- TJ doesn’t even hesitate to explain the meaning of rhetorical because he knows Xavier is a moron.

- Apparently the actor who plays Xavier is a recurring character on Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse.

Original air date: Oct 15, 1997

Okay, so we begin this infuriating episode with Floyd coming home and calling out for his biological children. None of them are home. Except for Mo. Mo broke into the house. No, seriously. He broke into the house and started eating somebody’s leftovers. Now in any other case, this would warrant a passionate ass whooping and a call to the parents of this child because what the fuck are you doing so wrong to have your son breaking into houses and not stealing anything except for food? However, this is sitcom world and Floyd just seems more annoyed than anything since Mo is always there anyway.

Mo tells Floyd he needs to be more careful about locking the windows. So linebacker ass Mo really needed to eat and somehow oozed through a window just to get food? Ok, I take back what I said about him needing his ass kicked. Mo is clearly malnourished even though he’s huge. His parents must be poor and therefore can’t afford to feed him. Holy shit was that dark. Moving on. 

Food and TJ’s brain are the reasons for his crime. His parents are going to kill him if he brings home another D. This is really helping me build a theory that Mo’s parents are abusive, so let’s assume his parents are literal this time about the kill thing. Floyd then realizes that Mo’s punishment would equal him not being over again to eat up their food and casually break in so he tells Mo that TJ joined the Marines. Nice, Floyd.

Just then, the rest of Floyd’s flock comes in babbling about who got what part in a play. TJ is naturally upset because he wanted a bigger role, still not getting used to the idea that he’s a 10 year old and unless he’s playing the role of a character with dwarfism, it wouldn’t make sense for him to have a huge part. TJ storms off in a huff. Typical TJ things.

The next day, everyone is atwitter over a test from their more over it than Lisa Simpson teacher. This man wants all of his students to fail. He hates his students. He’s a teacher and yet he hates teaching. Maybe this is the wrong profession for you, bruh? And it’s evident his ‘over it’ level is on a million from the way he comes in and tells his class to “get ready to hate me.” The deadpan, dry delivery was funny though. 

His first task is to give his students an assignment so hard that even he doesn’t know all the answers. Um, why? If you don’t know the answers, how are you gonna grade the tests? Isn’t this just creating more work for you, someone who already hates his job? Why the fuck does Piedmont hire such bad teachers and faculty, dammit?

Even TJ is intimidated by this test! Mo asks Mr. Bringleman why stuff from another chapter he previously said wouldn’t be on the test is on the test. He simply says he lied. This man is evil. I hated teachers who did that bitch ass shit. Yes, I only studied for what you said was going to be on the test because I have other classes too, ya know. I’m a teenager, not a machine!

I’m just gonna call him Mr. B for the rest of this review because fuck this most likely racist white man. His ass was listening to the boys talking about how hard the test was and then Mo says he wishes he could do to Mr. B what he does to all of them. Mr. B asks if he’s threatening him and Mo stammers. Then Mr. B insults his intelligence by asking if he ever has a complete thought. Before he can even fix his mouth to call him the N word, not Linda Ellerbee shows up to see what’s going on. Oh yeah, and she’s the new principal. She’s the third one so far and this is only the first half of the second season.

Anyways, she needs someone to cover a class and outright forces him to do it. Ha-ha. When the boys laugh at him, Mr. B says he’s going to grade Mo’s test. Nice, I just love seeing teachers bully students.

At the play rehearsal, TJ is still campaigning for a lead role. Mackey has to be the one to humble him, asking for duct tape. Marcus’s play related arc in this episode is pursuing acting seriously in case music doesn’t work out. His part has no lines so he’s trying to act with his face. He can just feel the SAG membership card in his hands.

Just then, Yvette bursts in wearing a Prince-inspired outfit and lets everyone know there was a fire in the chem lab. Dun du–pause. Why the fuck is she telling everyone? Wouldn’t they have had a fire drill? Are there no fire alarms in this blasted school? How the fuck did nobody know about it or smell smoke and why is Yvette bursting in like the town crier in this Purple Rain ass outfit???

All the students are happy until Linda Ellerbee hands Mo his charred playbook and asks him to come into her office. Dun dun dun. Later we find out that Mo was expelled. Because he is an abused child who only feels safe at the Hendersons, Mo has once again broke into their house and begun working out in their garage. Floyd is over it.

TJ comes home and talks to Mo. He is sad to learn that nobody thinks he’s innocent but says that TJ has to believe him because he has the “wide-eyed innocence of a child.” He follows this up with shitty examples of kids trusting adults who end up being assholes. Once they finally get on a good example, TJ is able to see that Mo is innocent and decides to help Mo get back into school.

The next day, TJ is in the principal’s office waiting for Linda Ellerbee. She has mice in her office because Piedmont is the worst public school ever and is resorting to playing the Spice Girls to get them out. Is that supposed to be a diss to the Spice Girls? Fuck anyone who disses the Spice Girls.

Sis is not budging when it comes to letting Mo back in the school. Sounds like a job for TJ’s cuteness and persistence! He gets her to agree to a mock trial where Mo would have to come back to the school. I…whatever. Order in the courtroom!

TJ is Mo’s defense. The opposinjg side calls Marcus to the stand so we already know this will end in disaster. It takes less than a minute for Marcus to admit that Mo threatened Mr. B. Ugh! Stupid Marcus. But he doesn’t even do the worst on the stand. Mo actually manages to fuck it all up! Marcus and TJ are trying to paint Mo out to be, what the kids today would call it, a “punk ass bitch.” Rather than play along and accept it, dumb ass Mo puts his stupid, fragile masculinity ahead of his chance to get back into school and says that he follows through on all threats. Once he realizes his gaffe, he immediately sits his ass down. Yvette is annoyed.

Vice principal Millitch, who will later replace Linda Ellerbee in one of the only sensical things I’ve seen regarding Piedmont, qualifies that Mo’s playbook was found at the scene next to Mr. B’s burnt gradebook. It was nice knowing ya, Mo. We know how the legal system works.

So then the loser teacher gets on the stand and tries to make it seem like he doesn’t intentionally make his students suffer by giving them ridiculously hard tests and lying about what’s even going to be on the test. To him, Mo is just a stupid, violent nigger so of course he’d want to commit a crime instead of studying harder. And then he lays it on thicker by insulting his intelligence again, explaining what the word combust means in the most smug ass, irritating way. It’s fucked up upon re-watch but at least it’s super realistic how predominately black public schools get racist white teachers often. They’re usually there for the tuition reimbursement.

TJ is now realizing that he may not be able to help Mo out of this jam. While eating dinner, Yvette comes in and apologizes for her lateness, saying the trial is over and now the school can continue with the play rehearsals. She tells an adamant TJ that Mr. B, also assuming the trial’s conclusion, was chain smoking cigarettes and humming “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Floyd is appalled at the latter. TJ’s gears begin shifting. Side note but doesn’t Mr. B just look like a miserable ass teacher who smokes in the classroom?

TJ and Mo break into the school. Geez, so much trespassing in this episode! Mo isn’t even worried about being caught because what are they gonna do, “expel him from college?” Slapstick ensues while TJ collects samples from the gradebook. Mo, on the other hand, is battling a mouse trap. I was super high when I watched this last night but this scene had me in stitches. Omar Gooding is really good with physical comedy. Look, even TJ gets stuck to him when they’re leaving! Priceless!

At court the next morning, TJ calls Mr. B to the stand. He brilliantly examines him and exposes him for smoking in the classroom, which was the actual cause for the fire. This man is fucking evil! He was actually about to get away with very possibly ruining a teenager’s life until a fucking 10 year old stepped in and dug deeper. He could have seriously gotten him disowned by his parents, making him homeless, forcing him to turn to the streets for survival. All because he’s an asshole and didn’t have the heart to own up to what he did. Hell, it’s fucking Piedmont! I’m sure they would have kept him!

Seeing as he just gets sent to Linda’s office, he’s most likely getting a slap on the wrist and paid vacation leave. Oh well. Also frustratingly realistic. At least Mo isn’t expelled anymore. Too bad Mo’s unwashed hands are still sticky when he shakes the principal’s hand and the joke continues.

At the end, Marcus gets bumped up to the illustrious Juror #2. Gotta love a true thespian! Case dismissed. Bring out the dancing lobsters.

Things I noticed:

-Stinky Steve is Mr. B’s defense.

- Piedmont has no respect for their students’ time. The mock trial began at 8am. Assuming that their school day begins at 9am, I bet the play participants probably hate TJ for forcing them to get up an hour earlier than normal, on top of having to do the play after school.

Original air date:  October 8, 1997

Yay, an episode where TJ is actually acting like a kid! And also an excuse for me to rant about how much I despise group projects.

A very over it Lisa Simpson (played by Yeardley Smith) is handing back tests to her dumb ass students save for TJ and this annoying white kid named Clark that we’ll be introduced to briefly because Mackey ended up being the lead token white on this show, right next to Yvette’s cute friend Nina.

Clark asks how TJ did. He humble brags and Marcus snatches his test to gloat about his brother finally not doing well at something. Sike! TJ got a 110 on his assignment. Marcus is dumbfounded since he clearly doesn’t even put in the bare minimum. 

Lisa has to remind Marcus that demonstrating how you actually studied will get you more points. She gives her lazy, remedial students a chance to make up for their piteous attempts with a makeup assignment, an oral group report on WW2. Now everyone is mad at TJ because he fucked up the curve of the grading system, facilitating the need for a makeup assignment. Mackey is pissed.

Marcus and Mo of course decide to stick all the work on TJ while they go to Dawgburger. TJ, now wanting to fit in with his cool brother and bestie, agrees but is promptly thrown into a garbage can by Mackey and his 30 year old goon when they give him shit for being smart. Because the plot calls for it in this episode, TJ isn’t masterminding a plan to put fudged up charges on Mackey’s record or flunk him out of school forever. 

At the Henderson crib, TJ is attempting to do the assignment but the boys are watching The Three Stooges with non-copyright stock sound effects and can’t be bothered to lower the volume. Even Floyd stops scolding Marcus and Mo to join them. Apparently, TJ thinks being a genius and being entertained by slapstick are mutually exclusive.

Yvette is in the kitchen frowning at her fruitless yogurt when TJ comes in to whine about feeling left out. Yvette, as usual, is there to provide motherly advice and reassure TJ that he’s too brilliant to relate to simpleton humor. She even suggests that he’ll be the only non crooked black politician on the Supreme Court. Aww. TJ will revenge porn her in the future.

Just then, a truck pulls in with daddy Floyd’s wood–hehe–and the boys, including Mo, gather in the garage to bring in Floyd’s wood–last time, I promise–to wherever it needs to go.

Yvette comes in after the gang delegates how the work flow will commence and then commands the plot for the episode when she tells TJ his shoe is untied while Mo and Marcus are handing boards to each other. This ended well.

After passing out, Marcus, who is terrifyingly not alarmed, just calls for Floyd and then we end up at the hospital where it seems that TJ’s relatively light board smack has now rendered him dumb. Not only dumb but more childish than usual.

Marcus cares nothing about TJ’s prognosis, however, because he is a horny teenage boy and the doc is hot. Yvette has to literally drag him out of the room by his ear.

The doctor tells Floyd that this strange concussion could leave TJ acting like this for weeks. Of course Floyd is concerned since TJ is gifted. The next morning, TJ is so forgetful and delayed at breakfast that Floyd and Yvette have to play charades to help him navigate feeding himself.

Marcus comes in and asks if TJ is back to normal because he doesn’t want to do anything that makes him use his own damn brain for a change. After Flody sees this because Marcus did it right in the kitchen where he was about three feet away, he of course takes Marcus aside to tell him to quit badgering TJ to get well again.

At school, Mo thinks it’s a good idea to simply undo TJ’s problem by hitting him in the head again. Since we’re working off corny sitcom logic, he’s not exactly off base here. I mean, it did only take two light hits from a wooden board to turn TJ into an imbecile so why not do the same to get him back to normal, right?

During class, TJ is wowing everyone with his diminished IQ that was announced to everyone in the class for some reason. Eh, it’s Piedmont so I really shouldn’t be surprised that all of his business is out there.

Lisa is pissed because now that TJ is dumb and she hates Clark for some reason, teaching will be damn near impossible because nobody participates. I think I feel her pain because she asks a super easy question (what naval base did the Japanese attack) and nobody but annoying ass Clark answers. Poor thing. She probably came into this profession bright-eyed and bushy tailed, ready to change students’ lives and become the next Erin Gruwell but ended up becoming nothing more than a de facto babysitter.

TJ is taking advantage of being one of the guys by making fun of the more deadly effects of dropping bombs and says it led to radioactive monsters. The boys laugh but Lisa is aggy that nobody is taking this seriously. To spite her idiot students, she makes the reports worth half of their grade. Mackey blames Clark instead of the teacher who literally just assigned it. For some reason, this tickles Clark even though he’s going to end up in the garbage soon.

Since TJ is one of the guys again, he manages to tag along with the crew at Dawgburger, a place he wasn’t invited to earlier since he was going to do their group assignment all by himself. In hindsight, I hated group projects because I did all of the work anyways since my cohorts were dumb as rock boxes, so this wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Abolish group projects!

Post Dawgburger, TJ is in bed reading a comic and shooting the shit with Marcus. This is sweet. I like seeing siblings bond on TV shows because the regular narrative always seems to involve them all hating each other. Here, there’s no drama, just Marcus actually being responsible because he’s studying for the oral report and TJ, in what would be his natural state if he weren’t a genius. They even have a heart to heart when TJ asks if he’ll be okay and what would happen once he’s back to normal. Marcus says he’ll still stick up for him. Aww.

In geometry the next day, TJ’s intelligence just comes right back after he flawlessly recites the Pythagorean theorem when the dorky teacher asks. Once he realizes this, and after having probably the few easiest days in a while, TJ understandably commits to pretending to be a dolt. That is until pops sees TJ’s quantum physics magazine inside of a comic book!

Floyd traps TJ by making up a pretty damn good scenario in the Jughead comics but later confirms the lie by letting TJ know that wasn’t in the comic. He goes into how he likes being dumb with the guys because they like him more. Makes sense! TJ has nothing in common with them outside of attending their school but now he’s intellectually on their level. He knows this would change once he goes back to his regular self. Floyd should know this too but alas. I do love how he tells TJ he won’t rat on him. TJ returns the favor by telling his dad that he should write for the Jughead comics because that story he made up made him LOL super hard.

We cut to school where Mackey is just finishing up his group presentation about the X-Men invading Iwo Jima. Lisa Simpson isn’t impressed. Marcus and crew are up next and poor Marcus is struggling. I think it’s so funny that Marcus, a singer with a whole ass band, has stage fright upon trying to remember everything he studied for but just goes to show that music comes easier to him than school.

The internal monologues of everyone come up. Marcus is trying to remember what he studied. TJ contemplates bringing his brain back. Mo is…fucking beatboxing in his head. This shit had me dead when I first saw this episode. 

However, Lisa ain’t having it. She is two seconds away from using the dreaded red pen before TJ saves the day and begins talking about WW2. The boys are shocked but it helps trigger Marcus’s memory and then he’s able to spew out the facts. Mo doesn’t contribute but he will definitely take the credit! 

Later in the Henderson crib, Marcus is pissed because TJ almost let them fail. Although TJ is reminding Marcus that he put his effort into something and it paid off, Marcus is still annoyed leading TJ to think he doesn’t like him anymore.

Marcus explains that he enjoyed TJ’s company when he was dumb because he finally felt like what he is: his older brother. Kind of hard to feel that way when your younger brother is better at everything you do and a major know-it-all. He even admits that he can’t even pretend now that TJ is smart again because it won’t feel the same. I like when Marcus is doing more than chasing girls every episode because he shows maturity at times that is pleasing to watch.

He offers to instead be an older brother in other ways like threatening other people with violence if they make fun of TJ. Cute, but we all know Marcus is scary. Nice gesture though! Floyd comes in and tells the boys good night. At the end, we see Floyd took TJ up on his advice and is submitting an idea to the Jughead comics. Aww Floyd. I wish we’d gotten a subtle nod to if his idea was used because he seemed really happy with himself afterwards. Eh, whatever. Parents aren’t people so who cares.

Things I noticed:

- Clark being oddly satisfied that he knows Mackey and his fellow middle-aged adult friend are going to put him in the trash. Clark either has a crush on Mackey and didn’t like TJ for the attention he got from Mackey or he has some sort of a trash fetish. Or both. Maybe that’s why Lisa doesn’t fuck with him.

- “Okay students, now watch as I turn left to a right triangle.” I’m a dork and this actually made me laugh. Tough classroom, though.

Original air date: Oct 1, 1997

Anyone who was holding their breath for me to get back to this, thank you. Been going through a lot like most people right now but I had to remember this blog is a good distraction because I get to write about one of my favorite shows growing up. Anyways, enjoy. :) 

Let’s talk about cock-blocking or to be more gender inclusive…actually, I can’t think of a term similar that utilizes both a male and female part. Anyhoo, let’s talk about it.

I’ve done it (unintentionally). You’ve done it. We’ve all had it done to us as well. Like the night you finally got a chance to be alone with your dipshit crush and your annoying friend tried to insert herself until she finally realized what was going on and left you two alone so you could have your first kiss ever at age 19.

TJ is an extreme cock blocker. He will break your shit up and then pout because he’s still just a kid. Normally, TJ only wants to punish Marcus by enacting this cruel tactic but in this episode, he shifts gears to the person who is both a mother and father to him: Daddy Flody.

We begin this episode at a supermarket. Tj is checking out cereals and Floyd is checking out dat ass.

TJ catches Floyd staring and in his precocious little way, starts asking him questions about women. It kind of reminds me of Frank from Milk Money.which is a horrible movie that I adore and you should watch it because despite a little kid befriending a prostitute, it’s still a decent 90s coming-of-age tale. And Alex DeLarge is in it.

After TJ makes his dad sweat further by asking what body type gets his penis erect, TJ comes to the conclusion that Floyd is lonely and could probably benefit from some female companionship.

Cut to TJ on an unrealistically chatty PC barking at TJ to fill in the boxes for Floyd. I don’t know about you, but if my computer kept talking to me, I’d throw it out of the fucking window. I am so glad websites that talk at you are obsolete. Apparently, this computer is also sentient because TJ pauses for just a moment too long when Marcus comes in and this impatient computer bitch asks for the rest of the info in a more demanding tone.

But because TJ was distracted, he inputs his own height instead of his dad’s and the computer announces that she’s transferring him to their little people’s section. Hey, they gotta find love too!

Marcus is skeptical of why TJ is trying to set Floyd up. Just then, Yvette walks in and asks who is using her eyeliner to write down phone messages, which I totally expect a straight man to do. After fessing up, Marcus asks Yvette to dissuade TJ from setting up his dad. Yvette then uses her soon-to-be psychology degree on Marcus and reasons that he might be a little salty because he doesn’t want another woman to replace his mom. But no, Marcus is a teenage boy and completely lacking depth until certain episodes call for it. Instead, he says he just wants the car on weekend evenings so he can try to bang his latest girl of the week. Of course, he could just be deflecting to avoid a heavy conversation but I’m gonna go with the former because Marcus is the horniest boy on the show.

Yvette decides to help TJ since Floyd has few dating options. Her plan is to beef up his personal ad by making him younger and a fan of soul food and Maya Angelou. Marcus is still not with the shits and says that nobody wants to date an “old guy with three kids.” Completely forgetting about the fact that his dad is an attractive man, this happens instead:

TJ and the gang are now making final cuts on the 130 prospects Floyd had. I mean, that’s great and all but I’m sure at least half of those women were catfishes. Then again, in the 90s, maybe there was more legitimacy since there wasn’t enough technology to hide behind? I dunno. But Floyd definitely has some options.

While deliberating who will receive the clock from Floyd, Marcus makes what would be considered a transphobic comment questing if some of them really are women and how he doesn’t want Floyd to end up like Eddie Murphy. Mo, on the other hand is questing if this is even legal. Mo is a teenage boy and is probably likening it to what Tinder now is: a place to meet horny individuals.

Yvette thinks the ladies are good picks but then begins nitpicking their flaws, among one of them being that one of the ladies has breast implants. Because women who get surgeries to help boost their self esteem apparently don’t deserve love? Yvette is such a hypocrite as we’ll see in the future. Mo then begins taking the rejected pics because he loves older women, especially ones with perceived low self esteem. Just then, Floyd comes in the room and the gang has to cover up their dirty work. Floyd makes a bad joke and then dips out.

They eventually settle on a light-skinned natural woman named Jamie. They agree to meet at the grocery store, sot hat’s where we end up. Marcus is acting like he’s never seen pretty girls outside of school and leaves to spit game at women who just wanna be left alone so they can buy their frozen pizza and wine in peace.

Jamie sees who she thinks is her suitor and immediately is pissed because she, you know, thought she’d be meeting Floyd and not a little boy. Yvette comes over to smooth things over and convinces Jamie to meet Floyd. Well, TJ’s cute face convinced her after she was understandably freaked out. They go to meet Floyd. 

Jamie shows up and explains what happened and that she was pre-screened to make sure she wasn’t a guy. Floyd actually even gives her an up and down look before she says she passed! Pretty sure this also wouldn’t go over well today. Jamie and Floyd, however, hit it off and leave to go on a date. When they get back, Yvette and TJ are spying on the new couple to see how it went. Floyd was actually bigging up TJ and talking about how smart he is to Jamie when they got in. Aww. Floyd is proud of his son for hooking him up. Yvette is noticeably annoyed at how he gets all of the credit, but I mean, it was his idea. Yvette just helped him out. 

Upon completion of this totally selfless act to get his father some love, TJ is happy at first. Yay TJ! You’re on the right track to becoming a thoughtful human be–

Sike! TJ immediately regrets this decision once he realizes that his father having a personal life means that he won’t see him as much. TJ has a basketball game coming up that Floyd won’t be able to attend now. Yvette offers to take him but it’s not the same because Yvette is a girl and girls aren’t fun. And just like that, TJ the petty, cock-blocking asshole comes back.

The next day, TJ and Floyd are playing basketball when Jamie comes home. Floyd invites her to play but TJ is all like “bitch, wait your turn” and then Floyd puts her on TJ’s team. She then bribes TJ with the food she’s about to cook for them. He agrees but then Jamie and Floyd start flirting because duh. TJ leaves in a jealous fit, upset that this woman he hooked his father up with has the gall to want to spend time with him. He simulates what he wants to do to her body on a bag of Funions.

I have to say though, how long was the frame of this episode? Days? Weeks? Jamie has essentially become their stepmom. She’s even giving Marcus advice on how to treat a girl like a human being instead of a meat popsicle with titties. Yvette and Marcus then leave, allowing Jamie and Floyd their Blockbuster and Chill time with The Preacher’s Wife.

But TJ is a boner detector because as soon as Jamie and Floyd are about to mash faces, TJ whimpers for his pa because he doesn’t feel good. We think Floyd banished him to his room but then TJ comes over and pushes the two would-be lovers apart so he can ruin their night. Jamie eventually decides to leave, even though it’s clear she was holding out in case she could get a piece of Floyd but TJ completely squashed that possibility. Floyd actually whines when Jamie says she’s leaving. Aww. Floyd is lonely. Does TJ care? Of course not. 

TJ sounds perfectly fine when he says he’s sorry he ruined the night. Father and son decide to just watch the movie together instead.

The next day at school, Marcus is spitting his game at the girl he went on a date with. Turns out, treating women like actual people has been working well for him! He’s even going on a second date. Yvette comes by to let TJ know that she’s picking him up again. TJ is, of course, pissed because Jamie had come over to the house the night before, albeit dick-less. Yvette has to explain to TJ that when you date someone, the goal is to see them frequently and that he’s the reason their last date sucked. She then shatters Marcus’s dreams by letting him know that Floyd is taking his car on his date. Guess Marcus is gonna have to make out on the bus.

TJ’s lips are all puckered because he’s losing his father to another woman. He’s so distressed that he actually picks a fight with a senior. Mo steps in and literally drags TJ home. No, seriously. He carried TJ like a bag of groceries all the way to the Henderson house during school. Then he transformed into a therapist to get to the root of TJ’s outburst. This is during school hours. Mo skipped school to bring TJ home and give Floyd advice. Mo is amazing.

TJ is playing basketball with himself when Floyd comes in and then he spills that he’s sick of Jamie. Floyd reminds TJ that he’s the one who set them up and I guess TJ didn’t know things would actually change. Now would have been a good time to mention if he feels some way about another woman besides Yvette playing a maternal figure in the wake of his mother’s never explained death. But Floyd does a good job as usual and says this is temporary because when TJ is a teenager, he won’t want anything to do with Floyd. TJ finally stops being a prick and Floyd offers to be careful about how he schedules his time and then continues the basketball game he let Jamie interrupt previously. Aww Floyd. Too bad TJ is probably going to hold onto this for a while because he was giving his dad a lot of shit in the end credits. This isn’t even the last time he does this to Floyd and we never see Jamie again, so I guess it’s safe to assume that TJ killed Jamie. 

Things I noticed:

- Can we just take a moment to appreciate how hot Floyd is? How could Marcus ever think his dad wouldn’t be able to attract women?

- This brilliant cover for the gang if Floyd came in during the date deliberation:

- Marcus doesn’t want Floyd to go out on dates because he wants the car to himself on the weekends. He says if Floyd starts going out, he’s making out in the back of the bus. Yvette then says, “No, thanks to Rosa Parks, you can make out anywhere on the bus.” Brilliant retort. I really hand it to the writers of this show.

Please stay safe during these times, everyone. Shit is really going down and I hope you all are taking mental breaks because this is traumatizing. I love you all. And of course, all black lives matter. 

Original air date:  September 24, 1997

So here we are, at Piedmont High, celebrating yet another Penguins victory. The team is jumping up and down together, high-fiving and reveling in their win. The cheerleaders are cheering and Marcus and Mo are embraced by honeys from the left and right–sike! This is the Penguins we’re talking about and they stink with a capital S. TJ, the mascot, is strangely doing as he’s told and playing his part. 

Let’s see how long this lasts.

The players are in the locker room during half-time discussing post game activities. TJ tries to join in on the festivities but is rebuffed as usual because he’s a child. I noticed that whenever people have to remind him of his size and age, he always takes that slight, stores it in his back pocket and saves it for future use to remind the guys that although he is small, he could still ruin their lives.

Coach Gerber comes in, frustrated at the reality of yet another embarrassing loss. He manages to attempt a pep talk before spilling all of his own sad tea before he just completely dips. Why they have such an emotionally unstable coach who seems to freak out on a regular basis and go on disturbing tangents is beyond me. 

Naturally, the Penguins need a new coach and unless they can find one, they’re going to have to forfeit. Doesn’t really sound like that bad of an idea since they’re losing by a lot, but I guess they have dignity? TJ sees this opportunity and steps in, making up some bullshit about a high school basketball code and not Principal Dowling says she’s relieved because she doesn’t have to sign anything. Umm, why does Piedmont seem to have such a high turnover rate for important positions? This lady won’t even sign documents but she’s a principal? 

TJ then becomes coach after Marcus and Mo battle over who is the better player (the answer is C, none of the above). Yvette and Floyd are in the bleachers watching everything. She notices that TJ, in his penguin costume no less, is barking out orders at the players. Poor Floyd is still underestimating his son and wants to believe he can simply follow orders and says he’s repeating the coach…but then he sees that there is no coach! He quickly forgets about his son’s re-emerging psychotic tendencies when the Penguins’s score consistently begins rising. The Penguins are so bad that they actually celebrate losing by three points. I do have to hand it to them for celebrating growth but maybe do it in the locker room? The opposing team just clowned them for celebrating a loss.

Marcus invites TJ to the party which, apparently, was at a Dairy Queen, a totally suitable places for a child to go. Maybe TJ convinced them to move the party there? They come back after their dairy-filled adventures and TJ is understandably excited that he lead the team to a near victory. He also had a bunch of sugar so the little man is jittery. Floyd tells him he should be glad but not to let get his hopes up because he was a temporary emergency coach. Right.

The next day, the new principal lady is congratulating the guys on a not so humiliating loss when she announces that this French teacher is their new coach. I know that public schools have to try really hard to fill spots when vacancies occur but this guy knows literally jack shit about contact sports because he’s a cyclist. Also, his French accent comes and goes so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a fraud hire as well. Do better, Piedmont.

Anyways, this guy clearly has never even seen a basketball game played, never heard of it, nothing, because he has the guys training by literally running in lines together. The woes of attending public school, man. I guess I should at least be happy that this guy can get up and move around. I once had a morbidly obese lady making us do shit.

TJ coerces the French teacher to let him assist, which basically means he’s about to annex that shit because in the next scene, TJ is barking orders at everyone. Poor Floyd has a headache because he actually trusted his son to respect a boundary again. One day he’ll learn, we just won’t see it during the series. 

At school after the game which I assume they won, everyone is congratulating TJ for his coaching. Yvette even interviews him on the win since the Penguins don’t suck anymore. Marcus is naturally pissed because as usual, TJ is getting the accolades for something that he’s supposed to be the best at. But at the same time, TJ does kind of deserve the credit since they clearly weren’t being coached right. I wonder how many times TJ was itching to bust out of that penguin costume and start delegating plays to everyone. He held his composure pretty well for a control freak.

While Marcus is quietly fuming, Mo is talking to a girl, totally not caring that TJ is about to basically torture the team. Marcus stops caring about this once Mo’s girl mentions that her friend could use help “studying” also. TJ naturally comes by to cockblock by planning out their schedules and going over plays. After first clowning him, Mo and Marcus fall in line when TJ reminds them that they’re winning because of him. Guess the group sex will have to wait. 

Back at the crib, TJ is running calisthenics in the garage. At 6AM. Which means they were up waaaaay before this! Damn, TJ! The team is ready to pass out from being worked since at least 4 or 5 A.M. and beg the little guy for mercy. TJ is power hungry and reminds them that they need to win. When the dorky white team member says he just enjoys the game and doesn’t care about winning, TJ…kicks him off the team? I’m confused, because if TJ was working me the way he was, I’d pretend to enjoy team camaraderie as well.

Flody comes outside, baffled at the sight of a group of sweaty grown men taking orders from his 10 year old son. He has to remind TJ that these people on the team are humans who could pass out if he doesn’t go easier on them. TJ’s interpretation of this is to decrease a planned 8 mile run to 7 miles. What a saint. Floyd tells the guys to come in the kitchen for some orange juice. Yvette is confused. 

At school, a panicked Mo comes to TJ with a problem: he’s failing. Guess that A he got a few episodes ago was nice but he just didn’t feel like trying again after that. Because TJ is a tyrant, he actually tries to pressure Mo’s teacher into giving him a passing grade. According to Ms. Teacher Lady, Mo has been falling asleep in class, hence him failing. Who knew you had to actually be awake to absorb the material? TJ somehow interprets the lady saying Mo needs to be responsible for his own grades as her allowing him to pass to keep him on the team. 

The next day, probably due to exhaustion, the team is not playing well. Because Yvette accompanies Floyd to every game this episode, we get a nice return to what I assume was her original character in the pilot that usually reeks of early installment weirdness. See, Floyd commented on how the team was off but Yvette is referring to the shit show of a cheerleading squad she left and man did the anti-woman jump out. She manages to fat shame one girl and critique another one for hairy legs. She gets up, clearly about to teach those girls a thing or two like it’s job you can quit and then show up to whenever you feel like it. Floyd reminds her that she thought cheerleading was demeaning but Yvette says it’s only demeaning when it’s done right. Yvette can be a mean girl sometimes! Plus I noticed that she is a little too critical of other women. I suspect it’s because she’s too critical of herself.

TJ is arguing with the ref who actually threatens to spank a black child with a black father if he keeps mouthing off. Good luck, dude! May not live to referee another day. The new principal who we’ll most likely never see again after this episode shows up, concerned that TJ is being too intense. Gilligan cut to him in the locker room throwing a tantrum because they’re losing.The fake French teacher magically appears. Where has his ass been? When Floyd comes in the locker room, he removes TJ from the game because he’s simply doing too much for a win. Frenchie then makes the team go back to that awful formation. Welp, Penguins are back to losing.

Floyd takes this time to have a chat with TJ in the locker room and tries to make him feel better even though he’s definitely still punished. I love Floyd but sometimes when he’s trying to motivate TJ, he can come off as a little preachy. Like when he said high school isn’t a popularity contest. Tuh. Come on Floyd, do better. He does eventually get his point across and TJ acknowledges it. Aww. Whatever.

At the end of the episode, Coach Gerber comes back and is back to coaching this disaster of a team. I guess Piedmont couldn’t hire a real gym teacher so they figure a mentally unstable one is better than the French guy or a 10 year old. He’s lucky he’s in the union, which is his reasoning as to why he wasn’t just outright fired although he admits to being a felon which Piedmont can’t even prove? What? This school is baffling. Anyways, he apparently is “better” now because his wife came crawling back to him. So I guess in the what, couple weeks or days since he quit, he committed a crime and his wife somehow decided to get back with him although she just shipped all his shit to a hotel in Bethesda? Methinks Gerber and his wife are both criminals and she may witnessed something go down with him and now they have to stay together forever. Or not. But that’s the ending!

Stuff I noticed:

- Principal Maldonado is going to be replaced with a white guy who would later serve as the principal for the rest of the show. Wonder how long shelasted.

- Mo tells TJ to fly south when he’s in his penguin costume. TJ says the penguin is a flightless bird so Marcus tells him to walk instead. Funny!

Originial air date: September 17, 1997

Did anyone have an actual job when they were teens? I remember how embarassing it was for me, a high schooler in the mid-aughts, to tote around resumes in my little manila folder and then be told to either apply online or have some snooty white asshole at Eddie Bauer all but dismiss me because he was clearly racist. The only jobs I really “held” included being an election judge twice, once during that totally insignificant 2008 presidential race and the other being a summer camp counselor at the church I went to. 

Those little jobs sucked but I chose them. The students of Piedemont High were not that lucky. 

The setting for this episode is the work experience program that shows students what it’s like to have a job. I have a lot of questions. I’m sure some of these students fared better than me back then and already have jobs, so wouldn’t this make no sense? Would they have two jobs? Are all of these jobs suitable for minors? Why does Piedmont fund such strange things?

Mo, as usual, (or depending on the plot of the episode) only cares about the perks of whatever he’s doing. With the band, it’s the girls. With this program, it’s being able to leave school after lunch. Wait, what? They’re having the students skip multiple classes for this? Is this part of a class or an elective? I wonder because this seems like it takes up a lot of time.

TJ is more excited about working in the industry of his choice, but if that was the case, he’d already have a job assigned to him as opposed to having to pick what’s on the board, making it first come, first serve. This is dumb and I can’t believe I have this many questions about a fictional high school. Anyways, TJ is short so he can only grab what he can reach and it’s not what he wants at all because he has a menial blue collar job.

Meanwhile, at the crib, Floyd is pissed because his basketball buddy who is a doctor apparently has cancelled their game because he has to do surgery. Floyd is only petty every once in a while so I’ll let him have this one. Then Marcus comes in wearing a suit and even though we’ve definitely seen him dressed up before, the audience goes wild. I hate canned audience reactions! He says not to hate him because he’s wearing Armani. 

I first thought Marcus was joking because it looks like a Sears original to me, but apparently he took Floyd’s credit card and had a ball buying clothes for his fancy schmancy job. Okay, I have more questions. Marcus had to buy a whole suit and shoes to enter his predominately white workspace. Is Piedmont paying for things the students need to even work at their job? What if you’re a natural black woman and you have to get your hair straightened if you have Marcus’s job? This is all for a part time job during school hours, so will these hours count towards credit since you’re not in class? I am so confused. 

Floyd is surprisingly okay with Marcus running up his card because his next question is asking if he can help Floyd get ready for his game. Marcus jokes that he’s going to be drinking with the guys after work. Floyd doesn’t press further and says he’ll practice alone until Yvette offers. Marcus and Floyd have a nice kii at this because duh, Yvette’s a girl and girls don’t play basketball. I love how all the Henderson men (including Mo) are sexist in their own ways. This isn’t the first time Floyd disregards his daughter when it comes to doing “manly” things and Marcus and TJ bond over their hatred of Yvette when her feminine ways don’t align with their default male ways. 

TJ comes in and doesn’t want to talk because he’s embarassed to have this job that was forced on him. Marcus adds insult to injury by informing him that he’s working at Marcus’s job.

Speaking of Marcus, this dude just doesn’t quit. He begins sexually harassing one of the women who works there, inquiring about what she does. She has to explain to him what a DVD is, immediately dating this show. Luckily, she has sense and shoots down his attempts. Sis can’t even do her job without some horny little high school boy bothering her. This program is stupid, by the way.

TJ enters, wearing his blue collar work uniform and ringing a bell. After fending off the usual “aww he’s so cute” remarks, he’s led into the office that needs the grub. The buffoons working there can’t seem to figure out whatever physics equation makes the DVDs run and of course, TJ is effortlessly able to offer a suggestion. He gets poached from this stupid temp position to help them out.

Floyd and Yvette are practicing in the garage when Marcus and Mo show up to gloat about their temporary yet important positions. Marcus has his own office. I would hate to be the person who worked there for years, sacrificed weekends, holidays and their sanity to get a promotion and their name on a door, only to watch a punk ass intern from high school get it instead. Mo is somehow working for a judge but I’m not sure for how long because this briefcase that was foolishly given to him contains a document that should have already been mailed off to William Renquist. Mo quickly dashes from that scene to deliver the mailpiece. Marcus makes an extremely dark joke that i didn’t even catch at first about someone getting the electric chair due to Mo’s carelessness. I’m sorry but I bellowed at that. However, I question how many lawsuits will be filed against Piedmont after this program is over.

TJ comes home and announces that he quit his blue collar job and is now working as a special consultant for research and development at DVD Electronic. That’s the name of the company? It’s so bland and generic that i sounds like an Amazon seller of used books and shit. Floyd is confused but TJ gets hired by a large company every other week so it’s whatever.

At work, we see TJ has his own office. Remember that person I would hate to be? They have to watch a fucking 10 year old get it instead. Maybe they did a mass firing or something because they seem to have plenty of rooms to just give to people. Of course, TJ likes the new digs. After his friendly secretary introduces him to his space, the resident hater shows up. I guess the person I was describing earlier is this white man, because man is he salty about having to share a cubicle when he started. White man is now attempting to get into TJ’s head and asks that he pitch all ideas to him first. How TJ, who is probably a psycho or sociopath didn’t see through this as a ruse for him to profit off his black ass ideas is beyond me. Or maybe TJ is faking dumb so that when he does reveal white man’s treachery, it’s more believeable? 

Marcus barges in and the white man is two seconds away from calling the cops before Marcus lets him know they’re related. But white man thinks him calling TJ his brother is a “black” thing until TJ says they are related albeit with similar genetic coding. I assume this is an obvious reference to Marcus being darker than him? Funny because I just wonder if Floyd’s wife was dark or if they both have a dark skinned parents and it just so happened to manifest in Marcus and no one else? Or maybe Marcus is actually his half-son? Let me stop. 

After the white man leaves, Marcus correctly assumes he is a piece of shit but TJ disagrees. He then gets a call to join a meeting. The head boss who is stationed in Zurich makes it a point to consider that TJ’s work study day ends at 5–wait, so they’re away from school for that long?–but quickly ignores that tidbit when some meeting gets pushed to 6. Of course, TJ shouldn’t be here unsupervised and out this late but we’re gonna ignore that even if the logistics of the Piedmont Work Study Program still boggle my mind.

So yeah, TJ is stuck at work and being asked about one of his ideas, the big boss says that the white man told him to filter all ideas through him. The white man is clearly displeased with TJ snitching but the boss man ends up making TJ the new head of the project. That’s how you use your privilege, even if it is child endangerment! The hating white man (whose name is Dick Ferrett by the way) comments to another coworker that TJ is toast. How dare this little black bastard be better than him?

Meanwhile, at home, Floyd is nursing an Yvette inflicted wound from when they were practicing basketball. TJ comes home acting like a middle aged adult, complaining about work and how bad traffic was. When Floyd notices how TJ is being affected by this job, he suggests that he quit. TJ whines for a little bit and Floyd relents. What the fuck Floyd, drag him by his collar and make him sit down! TJ promises to make Floyd’s game which means he won’t be able to make it because of work.

The next day, TJ is at work and discussing things with his secretary. The hating white man is just itching to fuck up TJ’s day and it shows. You might not be wondering who replaced TJ as the chow wagon boy but it turns out that it was Mo. Yes, instead of being fired from this program that he had no business being in to begin with, he was demoted to TJ’s job.

TJ is about to leave for the day when hating ass white man comes and dumps a bunch of work on TJ’s desk. See? Told you he wouldn’t be able to make Floyd’s game! Luckily, his secretary is going to film it for him.

Back at work, TJ is falling asleep trying to carry these stooges to a victory and the hating ass white man is actually calling TJ names. They even go back and forth for a moment. Floyd finally decides that enough is enough and he’s bogarted his way through security to get TJ because I’m sure it’s midnight at this point. TJ tells Floyd he must be mad that the game was missed. Floyd says he isn’t mad although the other guys’ kids showed up. Aww Flody. Parents have feelings, too.

The head white boss offers Floyd to hire TJ permanently but Floyd declines. TJ is able to get the hating ass white man fired before he leaves, in a move that is definitely petty but deserved. Fuck that guy, exploiting a gifted black child like that.

TJ is mad at Floyd according to a conversation between Yvette and himself. He thinks TJ is going to be mad at him forever but he comes downstairs and asks to play dominos with him. Aww. This is quickly ruined as per the usual. We all know TJ only abruptly forgives and forgets when he has an ulterior motive. This time, he’s going behind Floyd’s back to keep working with DVD Electronics. Floyd comes in during a session. I’m assuming he got his ass whooped after this but we just fade to black before an arms-folded Floyd can dole out any punishment. Eh, guess we’ll find out in the next episode. Ha. No we won’t.

Stuff I noticed:

- DVD Electronics video chat has a pretty stellar, crisp quality for 90s internet.

- Mo rewore this shirt from a prior episode. I really like when characters rewear clothes. It’s much more realistic than characters who seem to always have money for new outfits no matter how broke they claim to be.

- When TJ is bringing in the food, there’s an audience member who yells “You go, girl!” I have heard this woman in the audience of a Boy Meets World episode and another show that I can’t recall, but further proves that canned laughter is creepy and needs to be banned everywhere.

Original air date: September 10, 1997

Season 2, what it do? Yes, the first season only had 7 whole episodes and now we are back. I hope everyone enjoyed heartwearming TJ in the last ep, because we’re getting a full push back into manipulative TJ. And what better setting for this little villain than politics?

It all starts with TJ, home from school and hoppin’ mad, slamming shit down and just letting his little lips pucker all the way out. The source of his ire is the broke ass science club at school. They have no money for anything cool. TJ, hon, you go to a predominately black public school that has no money for AP classes, so what did you expect? Go make some dry ice or something.

Floyd asks why Piedmont isn’t paying for its more intellectual extracurriculars and Yvette says the funds are allocated by the student council. It’s the reason why the Penguins got new gear even though their team is shitty. I get that Floyd is just trying to do his best here, but he’s completely out of touch by saying TJ should run for president. Yvette has to quickly shut that down by reminding TJ that it’s nothing but a popularity contest that a 10 year old has a chance in hell of winning. I personally remember when I foolishly ran for president in grade school. Quickly learned that nothing beats being tall, a guy and promising everyone Pokemon cards if they voted for you. This world is unfair, I tell you!

Even Floyd has to admit that Yvette is right, but TJ notoriously doesn’t take n for an answer and never accepts defeat. He decides to run anyway, with astoundingly bad results. These posters certainly don’t help. 

Yvette checks in on TJ after Mo chides him for not having food. He tells Yvette that he’s failing and she reminds him of the missing height and age that would make running easier. We know where this is going. In true political form, TJ decides to make someone his puppet. Enter Marcus, who isn’t interested at first, but the moment a cute girl shows up and strokes his ego just a teensy bit, he decides to run. TJ is so annoyed that he breaks the fourth wall.

Now we’re on the campaign trail and first up are the “science dorks” as Marcus so eloquently puts it. When they roll up on the clique, one of them actually flinches. I’m just confused because Marcus doesn’t seem to have a bullying bone in his body but apparently he pantsed this kid. Weird. After mispronouncing the name of a comet, Marcus gets clowned a bit, but reassures them that their issues will be heard.

Next up is the jock table and Marcus easily wins this one by promising them a peek at the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue after school. Ah, the days when you actually had to turn pages to get your fap on. 

Last but not least are the ladies. Now, if Marcus wanted to gain points in my book, he’d pressure the administration to get the girls free pads and tampons because they shouldn’t even have to buy them to begin with. Or he’d make sure to protect them from unwanted sexual attention on campus. But it’s okay because apparently, they don’t want those things either! All they want is a better sound system for dances. TJ is mad that Marcus is following his dick when the plan was to raise money for his science club.

Marcus however, has grown to like this and wants to continue to run alone. Good for you, Marcus! Don’t let that little pipsqueak boss you around. 

Yvette always seems to be around whenever she needs to point out the obvious to TJ, so here she is, reminding TJ that Marcus is popular and has a real chance at winning. TJ realizes he needs to nab someone else with that popular proximity. Enter Mo. Because TJ can’t just do one thing at a time, he figures he can both win this election and break up his brother’s only real friendship in one go. 

TJ is able to convince Mo that he’s in Marcus’s shadow because Mo is a lowly bass player and Marcus sings lead. But…it’s Marcus’s band! And what’s wrong withbeingabassplayer? This doesn’t even make any sense for Mo to entertain because as we saw before, he clearly doesn’t even care what happens to the band as long as the puss keeps flowing. It’s really annoying to watch him blindly believe anything TJ says, especially when he’s not even really “friends” with TJ. Part of me would even think TJ is still mad about him getting kicked out of the band even though he deserved it. Wow, one bird and three stones, the third being possibly ruining Mackadocious.

Marcus comes around, being uncharacteristically mean to Mo and belittiling him for the plot’s sake. Mo naturally takes offense and now he has ammo to run against Marcus. TJ is a petty–yet brilliant– little asshole.

At home, Marcus lets Floyd in on what’s been up and how he dropped TJ from his campaign that he didn’t even wanna run for in the first place. Daddy Flody is sad because for a moment because TJ and Marcus were actually getting along. Once he knows that Mo has replaced Marcus, he’s confused, The only one who wanted the damn science club fixings in the first place was TJ. I don’t get why he’s confused though. Doesn’t he remember what his son is capable of? He should totally know that TJ orchestrated all of this, but TJ just shrugs, pretending he doesn’t know why Mo of people is now his running mate. Do better, Flody.

Since this episode is about mudslinging and typical political treachery, Mo as TJ’s stand in is making fun of Marcus to the originally intended demographic. Yvette comes up to TJ and asks if he and his puppet are ready for the debate, and TJ deadass says Mo isn’t a puppet, “he’s a real boy.” Yvette just stopped by to say they’re filming the debate and she’s hosting. 

In the midst of all this sneaky fighting and smear campaigns, Marcus actually comes to Mo and tries to apologize for being a dick earlier. Aww, Marcus. Too bad TJ is about to shit all over this because he’s watching and once Mo hears this olive branch, TJ is able to convince Mo that Marcus is trying to bait-and-switch Mo to shake him up for the debate. Marcus insists that it is genuine but TJ wins Mo over by just telling him things to repeat. At this point, Marcus is over trying to be nice and says autonomy is the shit. Mo says fuck autonomy and leaves with TJ to prepare for the debate.

I love how Yvette leans into this husky, reporter voice for the television. She even put on her best two piece lilac suit. She introduces the candidates and is baffled when she realizes that Mo has had his extracurriculars beefed up. When Yvette asks when Mo was in all those clubs, TJ says since earlier that day and that he can prove it. I’m sure that he committed a crime here with these fake documents, but it’s pretty on brand for him to do, so whatever. The view count for the debate goes down when Yvette starts going off into how long each candidate has to talk about issues and honestly, I probably would have left, too. This is a high school student council election, for crying out loud. Her audience went from this:

To this:

Mo and Marcus get into a fight over the stupidest thing: who calls heads or tails. After they start elbowing each other, a physical fight breaks out. Again, TJ tries to break it up, even though he just, you know, only is the reason they’re fighting right now. Intervening gets TJ some new eye makeup. But TJ hasn’t learned shit because at home, nursing his black eye, he is still trying to manipulate the two into being friends again. 

Floyd has to remind TJ that hey, you can’t just play with people like that, even if you have good intentions. It finally sinks in that TJ could have very possibly ruined a friendship and broken up a band in one go. Floyd tells him to fess up to the boys and prepare for another ass whooping. Luckily, Mo and Marcus are guys and guys tend to resolve conflict–with each other–fairly fast. Mo comes over and gives something back to Marcus and just as he’s leaving, Marcus invites him back in to watch television. They chat and Mo reciprocates the olive branch with a pound. I really love these two together! They have so much chemistry that I honestly would be heartbroken if I learned that they stop talking after Smart Guy. Anyways, I ship it, Marcus x Moforever. 

Stuff I noticed:

- Yvette is her middle name. Her first name is Tasha!

- Welp, guess the white guy is still president.

- Pretty sure this may not have been intentional, but I love that there is a black girl at the science dorks table. We love our black girl nerds!

Original air date: May 7, 1997

Hello there, friends. How are we holding up during these “unprecedented times?” I am currently holding up by pretty much being high 18/7, not sleeping and obsessing over a show that pretty much nobody talks about because I am that bored.

Really, I do want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this blog and/or drop a like. I started this blog because I enjoyed reading reviews of Lizzie McGuireandBoy Meets World. And then I thought of how not that many black sitcoms are pretty much ever really discussed. I watched Smart Guy so much when I was a kid but didn’t realize how important it was to even be watching it becausewe hadso manyotherblack televisionshowsduring my childhood, the complete opposite of how it is now. I always thought about even making a YouTube channel reviewing that black ass nostalgia that I love so much, but since I’m in the ugly phase of growing my starter locs, I figured I’d blog for now. 

Alright! There’s my intro. I really did mean it, but I had no idea how else to segue into the opening for this episode. By the way, if anyone is a super meticulous asshole and thinks the numbering of the episodes is off, I was honestly confused because Disney omitted a whole ass episode of the show, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbering of the episodes is different here but nowhere else on the web. The first season is already less than 10 episodes, so whatever.

Okay, so we open to Floyd about to do his books but he needs the little precocious calculator to help him out. This triggers me because I still have not done my taxes even though the deadline was extended. Luckily, it doesn’t appear that the Hendersons have any timely bills due but they are broke. After TJ adds up all the numbers, Floyd sees he is definitely not in the black. 

Because the episode is about money, naturally, both of Floyd’s grown children need pricey things all of a sudden. Yvette comes down and asks for a coat to replace this…thing that she’s wearing because it’s clearly ill-fitting. Floyd says he can buy her a new coat, as long as she’s not particular as to which winter she gets it in.

Up next is our Marcus, asking for something totally egregious. At least Yvette was asking for weather appropriate clothing. Marcus is asking Floyd for a $1500 bike. And now I’m confused. Why the hell would Marcus of all people need a bike? If he’s really trying his damndest to get the girls, I thought the band alone served that purpose. Regardless, Marcus needs it and he’s a teenager so the world is going to end tomorrow if he doesn’t get this deathcycle of his. He even tries to manipulate his dad by showing him a photo of Floyd on his bike. I actually think it’s cute how Floyd lights up at the sight of younger him. Maybe he met his deceased wife during these years? 

Floyd breaks out of memory lane and reminds Marcus that he, a human parent, wants the finer things also, including the chance to see his old friends at his high school reunion but that doesn’t seem to have a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. Yeah, because Floyd has to put food on the table for a woman and three guys (yes, I’m including Mo and guys eat a lot and I don’t wanna hear shit about how girls eat a lot too because guys just eat more and that’s a fact) and school all of his children. No room for the finer things.

He then says that Yvette and Marcus can buy what they want but simply have to get jobs. Marcus balks at the idea and says he wouldn’t want work to interrupt his studies. Yvette and TJ have a nice little kii over this since hahaha “Marcus is dumb,” hahaha.

We cut to TJ in his room attempting to strategize ways for the Henderson clan to save money while watching a bootleg version of Jeopardy!. Marcus comes in on the phone with Craig, the guy selling the bike, and convinces him to not sell it, even though Marcus only has 4.2% of the funds. Yvette barges in and is pissed at her annoying little brothers for not unlocking her door when they’re done with the bathroom. See, they share a bathroom in this episode. In another episode, Yvette gets her own bathroom built…somewhere because she’s tired of sharing with them. This bathroom is never mentioned again. In another episode, Marcus temporarily moves to the attic. I just wonder exactly how the Henderson house is built because it seems like there’s so much space yet so little space? 

The boys aren’t listening to Yvette however, because she stank. She credits this funk to the job she just got at the Cluck Bucket, “yanking the gushy stuff out of chickens,” as Marcus eloquently puts it. She brags, saying she makes $100 a week, which is obviously $1000 a week in 90s money. 

After TJ proposes that Yvette cut Marcus’s hair, Marcus realizes TJ is attempting to optimize their family’s finances. TJ really is doing a lot for a 10 year old here. Normally, he’s being extremely rude to them, but in this episode, he’s trying to use his intelligence to fix a problem that he has no business worrying about. Clearly, this intelligence is a gift and a curse. I’m about to be 29 and I worry all the time about things I can’t even control along with the things I can. Imagine being 10, gifted AF and stressing only about adult things you can’t control.

Marcus actually delivers good advice this episode, most likely unbeknownst to him. He commands TJ to turn off his brain and stop worrying because this is something he can’t fix. And Marcus is right. A 10 year old has zero reasons to be trying to balance the family checkbook. It would have been better if he threw a Gameboy at him and told him that’s his homework instead.

But this is TJ and he is the determinator AKA hard-headed. Bootleg Jeopardy! is about to end but the host announces a junior version of the show. TJ checks all the boxes. Youngster? Check. Living in the D.C. area? Check. In desperate need of $25k? Double check!

TJ and Marcus are back home and go over how they’re going to break the news to Floyd since obviously he wouldn’t have given TJ permission to audition if they asked. Floyd seems pissed at first when they tell him but Marcus makes sure to place emphasis on how TJ kicked ass. Floyd is proud now, even though a few moments ago, he was about to go full Papa Bear.

The next day, Piedmont is buzzing about TJ’s television debut but he’s confused because he only told his fam. We then cut to Marcus blabbing to some girl about how he can get her a seat next to him so she can give him a handjob on the sly. (Of course, we don’t even see said girl at the show.) TJ tells Marcus he didn’t want everyone to know because, understandably, now there’s more pressure on him. Marcus responds to this by putting even more pressure on him, telling Craig that TJ is going to win him the bike. Then he puts a damn anvil on it by telling Craig to raise the price to $1700 and he’ll just take the bike now. This will end well.

TJ, under immense pressure because the show is filming in 6 hours at this point (film/TV people, if you’re reading, feel free to say if this is even normal for it to move this quickly especially for an underage guest?), is up late at night studying his ass off and high off legal coke. He’s awoken Marcus who is wondering why on earth TJ would be up this early studying for a quiz television show that has a large monetary prize and they’re broke. He wants TJ to get some sleep by he’s in the zone because he had 20 cups of coffee. After a drug fueled rant, he just passes out. 

6 hours later and TJ is still high. Floyd chalks it up to nerves before TJ starts sprinting around the set. Marcus shows up, announcing he just chained up his new bike to a dumpster. This will end well. He checks in on TJ who is still coked up and not coming down anytime soon. His dad calls him over to meet the other contestants which include Dylan Roof and Yung Sharpay.

After the kids are ushered onto set, Floyd goes to the other hoity toity parents, bragging about their kids’ accomplishments. He dismisses them and says TJ actually has a life. Floyd, you dick! Afterwards, the show begins. The host is opening and says he believes that children are our future. Floyd and Marcus are backstage and in true black parent fashion, once TJ is announced, they lose their shit!

The game is now underway and Yung Sharpay and TJ are caught up. Dylan Roof is pretty much just there because he’s so far behind that it doesn’t even matter. Amy loudly tells TJ that he has a broken leg and they’re loading the shotgun because she just caught up to him. Of course, nobody heard this even though she was loud as hell. Also, racial implications much?

Yvette comes late in her work uniform and is hurriedly trying to tell Marcus a bit of info he’ll want to act fast on, but naturally, he shushes her to listen to the game that TJ is about to possibly lose. Yvette is also a petty asshole, so she doesn’t even try to tell him again. They cut to break and Yvette announces then that Marcus’s bike is gone. Turns out, locking it to a dumpster isn’t the best idea because some guy in a garbage truck stole it dragged the dumpster away. Marcus is pissed and lets slip that he paid $1700 for it which gets him in trouble because he just told Floyd that he was taking it on a test drive. Then the rest of the truth spews out. Marcus says he wanted something from the money TJ was going to win and oh mama is Floyd pissed because he naturally expects the worst from Marcus always and thinks he forced TJ to be in the competition which wasn’t even the case. Floyd tells Marcus he’s going to talk to TJ and warns him to “brace himself” for when he gets back. Yvette gleefully says she’s going to get chalk for his body outline. What did Marcus do to everyone to make them hate him so much? TJ does way shittier things than him and he’s still held in high regard. Hmm.

Floyd comes over to TJ to check in and lets him know that he’s aware of what’s going on. TJ, who has only consumed coffee and chocolate for the past few hours, is now dizzy. Floyd has to remind TJ that he has plenty of time to worry about rent and bills and student loans and credit card debt and finding a therapist and the pressure to have it “together” by the time you’re 30 which is crazy unrealistic. Good lesson and one of the few times I don’t wanna strangle TJ. Understandably, with the pressure off, TJ wants to dipset. The host, while seeing TJ and Floyd leaving, says they signed a contract so somebody needs to fill in for TJ. Cut to one of the funniest scenes in the show, hands down.

The question is how much did Thomas Jefferson, another TJ, pay for the Louisiana Purchase? This is word for word what Marcus-as-TJ says.

“Well uh, let’s see. In DC, the most you can take out of the ATM is $300 and you would wanna hold back a $20 in case something comes up, so I’m gonna say $280, Hugh.”

Yvette’s reaction says it all.

In the end, we see Yvette at the Cluck Bucket, putting on her functional gray pea coat that she probably got from Contempo Casuals or something. Marcus is the janitor now because he has to work off his debt to Craig and because remember, Marcus is a dark-skinned buffoon and couldn’t get the same job as Yvette for some reason. Whatever. I wonder what Yung Sharpay did with her prize money.

Stuff I Noticed:

- Yvette’s jacket. What is this?

- Marcus’s face for Lil’ Dylan and Yung Sharpay versus TJ. I love black families.

White lady on the left does not approve.

- No Mo this episode! :(

Original air date: April 30, 1997

Five episodes in and it’s already Prom™, AKA the most important event in a teenager’s life, right next to that huge rager that the richest kid in school throws post-graduation. Yvette and her episode-appointed friend are discussing possible themes. The blasian girl suggests something eco-related. TJ suggests Star Wars. Yvette has to remind TJ that Piedmont has no money for an IT department or AP classes, so there is no way in hell they can afford anything that doesn’t come from Party City.

Because the Prom™ is the thing, Marcus and Mo are also discussing it and how they have to find dates. Well, Marcus is. Mo has a date in his new squeeze Shirley, played by local vampire Bianca Lawson. She will show up again but will be named Tracy. Jesus be a continuity! 

Marcus is in disbelief that Shirley would be into Mo, as if Mo is hideous or something. She defends her temporary man and says that he is a sensitive soul. Mo then proceeds to plagiarize “My Girl” by the Temptations but replaced “girl” with “Shirl.” Either sis was raised in the wild or she is the adoptive child of racist white parents because there’s no way she didn’t catch that. Although I do love that she told Mo it’s okay for him to cry in front of her. Together, we can all eradicate toxic masculinity! 

After the credits, we see Marcus at the Henderson crib, elated about snagging a date with Mariah and HOLY SHIT, continuity! I spoke too soon. Mariah was the girl Mo and Marcus were fighting over in the pilot episode. She even has the same name and is played by the same actress. Wow. Usually, the only girl who gets mentioned repeatedly is “the wonderous Shaundra.” We never see her. She’s like the Heather Sinclair of the show and it’s obvious that she’s Marcus’s jump off. 

Marcus goes on about how the Prom™ is so important and TJ, who was just offering expensive ideas about his ideal theme, is now dismissing the Prom™ as nothing but a room full of hormonal cases dancing to K-Ci & JoJo. He then says what would later be considered a #mood. Instead of socializing with other people, he’d rather watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Marcus cracks a joke about how you never see black people on those shows and Floyd chimes in saying “we don’t mind lowering them down, though!” And they pound on it! If this were on television today, a bunch of white people would write letters and complain. I love this show.

Yvette is able to see through TJ’s facade. She knows he actually wants to go and labels his feelings denial because he’s devaluing the dance since he can’t go with anyone his own age. Marcus is against TJ going at all because he doesn’t want to babysit. I get it. I’d hate babysitting my little brother also, especially if he’s somewhere watching me dry hump girls.

The next scene, Floyd is discussing a possible roof job with a reverend. It just so happens that during their little chit chat, the Prom™ came up and Floyd let on about how TJ really wants to go but needs a same age date. How convenient that the rev has a daughter named Lily who would love to go to a dance! Gilligan cut to Floyd telling TJ that he has a date for him. Marcus barges into the room also informs TJ that he has a date. I hate that nobody even bothered to ask him first. He even lampshades this and says that Floyd’s action was pushy. Marcus clearly wants TJ to go with Mariah’s little sister because then he would be preoccupied enough for him to try to finger Mariah somewhere without TJ hovering around. He even calls Floyd’s pick a loser. Marcus is hilarious.

TJ actually does something selfless here! He overheard that Floyd sold a lot of slate to that church guy and now he’s getting pizzaid! TJ goes along with all of this because he wants to make everyone happy, exhbiting people pleaser traits. Every now and then, TJ just turns into this, even though he’s a master manipulator. However, TJ’s choice to please everyone goes south because now Yvette has a girl for him. He just went from wanting to veg out at home to now having three dates. To remedy the problem, they bring in Mo and you already know this plan is going to unravel as fast as it was conceived. Mo is wearing a black beret with his otherwise normal 90s garb, laying out the schematics for TJ to have all three women be his date. 

Cut to the night of the dance. Marcus and TJ are mad jittery for obvious reasons. We get a cute little shot of TJ in his three piece suit and Floyd is foaming at the mouth to find his camera but Marcus is not having it. 

Just as they’re about to leave, Floyd says that the rev is coming to the house. Not how they planned but per Marcus, they’re now picking up extra time. However, because Marcus seems to be cursed whenever he speaks positively about anything, Mariah shows up with her little sister. He slams the door in her face.

Now TJ and Marcus are panicking. Marcus opens up the door and lies that his fly was unzipped. They figure out a way to get Mariah’s little sister away before Lily and the rev show up. Then the doorbell rings and guess who? It’s none other than little Penny Proud. 

Of course, like other love interests in this show, Lily went into the witness protection program and came back in season 2 as a hood tomboy named Brandy. Seriously, you could write conspiracy theories for these characters because the writers are clearly too lazy to rewatch episodes. 

The doorbell rings again, only this time it’s Mo, dressed casually and thinking he’s about to shoot the shit with Marcus. Marcus asks why he isn’t at the dance and Mo responds, “That was tonight?” I mean, we all have that one friend! This was particularly funny because he only masterminded the plan yet forgot what night it was. He leaves and says he needs to contact Tuxedo Hut because they have a drive through. Mo is fucking hilarious!

Last but not least, Yvette, in a cheongsam-style dress that I love but is totally cultural appropriation shows up with her pick for TJ’s date and–fucking Christ, Naya Rivera shows up in a future episode as well but as this girl named Kelly that TJ spills a drink on. Here she is with a different name. UGH. I don’t know why I’m even complaining anymore.

Eventually, with one girl being held hostage in a treehouse, another in TJ’s room looking at a computer she doesn’t know a thing about, they eventually come downstairs and complain. Now they’re all in the kitchen with their arms folded looking at TJ. His response? “I overbooked.” I didn’t realize how funny this episode was.

Floyd takes TJ away to explain a very valuable lesson about setting boundaries and encourages him to say no without worrying that he’s disappointing anyone. I am still learning this lesson as an adult, so go Smart Guy for illustrating this so well. 

TJ goes to the dance with all three girls and manages to dance with all of them. Pretty much everyone got what they wanted. Aww, underage polygamy is so cute!

Stuff I noticed:

- Yvette and her bestie are dressed alike.

Original air date: April 16, 1997

Alright, Disney. We need to have a little talk.

I take a lot of shit from you in the name of nostalgia. You repay me by selling all of your DCOMs on iTunes but since they are DRM protected, you then make me have to buy third party software to remove said DRM just so I can watch these movies for my own personal viewing. If you’re worried about me selling and distributing copies of your movies to people who also wanna relive them good ‘ole days, stop. People will find a way to pirate your shit regardless and actually have morethanwhat you release. Really, just stop.

You then removed all of the Smart Guy episodes from YouTube so that the only dregs of the show left are sped up, slowed down, or only take up a third of the video player due to copyright shit. You gave me considerable hope when I saw you’d be putting all the original shows and movies (minus In a Heartbeat. Minus The Jersey. Minus The Famous Jett Jackson. Minus Model Behavior. Minus My Date With the President’s Daughter.) on this shiny new channel of yours.

I know you have a problem with misordering episodes, making certain episodes season finales when they shouldn’t be and just not having any general sense of continuity. I am still baffled as to why this episode, episode number 5 is not included in the first season, which is already hella short at just 8 episodes. Disney, do you enjoy making me wonder why I even fuck with you? Once I get a .mp4 file of Johnny Tsunami and maaaaybe Can of Worms, I’m through with you forever.

This one is gonna be long because TJ really pissed me off in this episode. But if you actually read the above, I love you because I’m literally just whining.

In this episode, I will actually feel bad for Marcus. Yes, Marcus, teenage horndog, sexist Marcus will tug on my heartstrings and make me relate to him. I know I give him a lot of shit, but at the end of the day, he’s still a teenage boy. A dark-skinned teenage boy in a family full of gifted and/or capable light skinned people, at that. In this family, guess who is the odd one out, the black sheep? Marcus. Coincidence? I just couldn’t help but notice some things Yvette does (like pursue dance at one point) are encouraged while Marcus’s hobby (music, another art) is constantly shit on by Floyd who wants Marcus to be more book smart. Or how Yvette didn’t get into any trouble for not trying to stop TJ’s party just because Marcus, who is younger than her, was in charge? Just two examples, but you get the point. 

We begin the episode with TJ bothering the big kids while they’re trying to rehearse for the upcoming Battle of the Bands gig. The gang needs cash to continue banding, especially since Mo’s strings are caca. Marcus is certain they will win and as soon as he manifests positivity about his future, something bad happens. Their guitarist breaks his finger. 

Marcus is whining to pops about this little roadbloack when we see Yvette has invited Gabrielle Union back to her place to study in the kitchen. None of that learning crap will be happening right now though, because Floyd has made Gabs wet. She tells Yvette who delivers the most visceral reaction. But Yvette…your dad is hot. And it’s perfectly normal for friends to have crushes on your parents. And you also date older men! Yvette has her moments where I hate her and this is one of them. Instead of just dropping it and continuing to study, she actually throws her friend out! You would have thought Yvette was Floyd’s damn girlfriend, the way she was acting. 

Because every show needs a montage here and there, we are now jettisoned to the garage, where Marcus is auditioning for a new piano player. Spoiler alert: they all reek, except for one guy who clearly must have been on some type of psychedelic drug to audition for a high school R&B band during a federal pursuit. The others were straight duds, including the most aggressive polka musician ever who thought his accordion counted as a keyboard. 

Marcus is fucked. His goose is cooked. His dream is deferred. How the hell is he going to pull a new piano player out of his ass in time for BotB? He suddenly hears someone tickling the ivories and is beyond impressed…and then disappointed once he sees its TJ. Turns out the little guy knows all their songs and then proceeds to explain music in math terms and I pretty much feel the way Marcus does here.

I mean, really, it’s annoying to know that your freakishly intelligent brother is pretty much good at everything, including the thing that you love more than anything. You share a room with this person, you see this person every day at school and you now have to let him in your band because of circumstances.  I do like that Marcus includes the rest of the group in his decision making, even though they really don’t seem to care about its direction as long as they can have sex with all the groupies. 

So now its Mackadocious +TJ and Marcus is doling out the “kicks” to everyone except TJ. But TJ, homie, you just entered the band and your role is to just play the piano, since nobody else is around. This is not the time for you to be trying to get your Regina Spektor on. Play your part! TJ gets upset at this, but once Marcus threatens violence, he immediately goes back to his role.

B plot land is just Yvette pissed off that her friend finds her father attractive. They go to the BotB thing and she even cuts in front of them. Jeez Yvette, chill.

When her bestie leaves a voicemail directed more towards Floyd, although flattered, he has to let her down gently. Yadda yadda, Floyd is about to have that uncomfortable conversation but it’s fine because Gabby met some dude in a black trench coat and needs Yvette to style her hair like Halle Berry’s in the last month’s Essence. Yvette is happy that things are back to normal, at the expense of her lonely father who most likely reveled in that small amount of validation as quickly as it was snatched away from him. Poor Flody. 

Anyways, back to the main arc of the episode. It’s time for the BotB and TJ is still vying for that piano solo but Marcus isn’t budging. This will end well. Once they get far enough into the song, Marcus is about to do his solo. He’s probably thinking that finally, the spotlight will be on him for a change and he can feel like he’s doing something worthy of praise. But this is TJ we’re talking about, and he is a petty little asshole, so he immediately hijacks the show and begins with his piano solo. Marcus looks straight dumb trying to hop back into his own set. So now instead of being a dick and doing the solo he wasn’t supposed to do, he has now embarassed Marcus. His feelings about the situation can best be summed up here.

The next day at school, we see that TJ is still hogging all of the band’s attention. Marcus’s insane level of togetherness right now is commendable, seeing as TJ clearly has no remorse for what he’s done and is now rubbing it in their faces. Just Marcus, though. TJ is a little babe magnet and is now basically getting girls for Mo and Goose to have sex with. Everyone is getting what they want right now. Except Marcus. 

During a rehearsal, TJ moves on to insulting Marcus’s compositions and telling the band that they need something “else.” Marcus has had it and decides it’s time for TJ to go. TJ tries to save his ass by apologizing for something he’s clearly not sorry for after the fact, but the damage is done. Now we all know that TJ is totally one to accept defeat and move on so I’m sure nothing else will come of a rather amicable split.

Later, Kid from Kid n’ Play shows up and offers Mackadocious some moolah if they play again, but with TJ, seeing as Mackadocious has been unwillingly changed to The Band With the Cute Little Kid. Marcus, putting his dream over his desire to teach his little narcissist brother a lesson (just kidding, he wants the money) asks TJ back, but he’s strangely okay with staying out of it. Marcus then grabs TJ and threatens him, calling him a little twerp. This is still funny to me.

Floyd comes in and breaks up the fight and forces the siblings to hash out their differences in a healthy way. TJ says he wishes he could sing like Marcus. Marcus hates that TJ is good at everything. They both apologize to each other and Marcus even asks if TJ wants to rejoin the band and TJ is about to ruin this totally fine moment between them by revealing his evil plan.

After being kicked out of the band, TJ wanted to get even. Instead of just taking the L and moving on, he reached out to Kid and offered some tax code write offs in exchange for promising Mackadocious a lot of money to perform a bogus gig where nobody would show up. Yes, you read that right. TJ wanted to destroy Marcus’s life and possibly crush his spirit to the point where he’d never want to pursue music at all. All because he did something shitty and got punished accordingly. TJ is a petty little asshole. Floyd hears this and allows the beating to continue. Did I mention how much I love Floyd?

Stuff I noticed:

- TJ’s shirt. Where can I find this shirt? Seriously, it’s amazing.

- Oh hi, Christina Milian.

- When TJ is mentioning the name of the band’s fan site, he just says it’s ww.cutekid.com which makes no sense because that’s too general to refer to a band and also sounds like pedo bait. 

Original air date: April 23, 1997

The master manipulator is back at it in this episode, this time to help our very own Morris L. Tibbs earn his first A on an assignment. 

This episode is only 15 seconds in when Marcus starts bothering this girl who sits in front of him. She refuses his advances because he’s a) loud and annoying as hell b) interrupting her viewing of this NatGeo rip-off where they’re discussing lions. 

The teacher then gives her assignment: study an animal and write about its behavior. I think she forgot her lesson plan that day, because all she did was show a video and then tell them to write a paper on an animal. Any animal? And they have to work in pairs, which seems so unnecessary for such an easy task. Mo revels in being paired with TJ and the two begin to contemplate what animal they should study. Since TJ is most likely on the spectrum for socio or psychopathy, he is including humans. After witnessing a queen bee relinquish one of her subjects and an alpha male bullying another guy out of his locker, they happen upon Marcus, once again chasing after this Alena girl, the same one from earlier. And again, she curves his ass. TJ then decides that his brother’s misfortuned attempts to get some pussy would make for a great case study. Mo, who is Marcus’s best friend, is totally okay with this.

After school, while TJ and Mo work on their assignment, Marcus actually calls Alena. How did he get her number if she won’t even talk to him? Why is he calling her when she’s clearly not interested? Marcus is harassing this poor girl and I wouldn’t be surprised if he just walked up to her house holding up a boombox after this.

Alena, once again, shows Marcus that she’s not interested when she hangs up on him. Mo was filming the entire time with a jerry-rigged camera-in-a-book. Mo suddenly has second thoughts about making his friend look like the ultimate simp but TJ insists that he does this all by himself. 

Yvette suddenly comes in and is pissed about her boy toy Tyler’s constant tardiness. Then Floyd does the adult thing and suggests a logical solution (dumping him) but Yvette quickly comes to his defense. Sounds about teenager to me. Tyler shows up and she eventually leaves with him, although Floyd is confused since he was on Yvette’s side. Mo caught this on camera as well. TJ tells him to keep it because instead of at least exposing only one sibling, he is now going to expose his sister, too. TJ is a petty little asshole.

Mo and TJ get to work on Marcus, selling him on wearing a bright red sweater to help him get the bitches. TJ postulates that Marcus would get more girls if he dressed a bit more loudly and flashy. They convince him that Michael Jordan wore something similar, so naturally, our desperate Marcus is going to take this advice at face value. For Yvette, they put altered instructions on how to train a dog, making it appear that the article is about how to train your man, inside one of her magazines. She of course, reads it right then and there. The next day, Alena miraculously comes around and starts flirting with Marcus and Yvette’s boy toy is letting her boss him around and give him treats for good behavior.

But trouble is afoot. Alena’s ex has “magically” re-entered the picture since she began dating Marcus all of five minutes ago. I put magically in quotation marks because I have this theory where she never broke up with her boyfriend but gave Marcus the time of day so that her man, the one who got stomped out by Loc Dogg, could beat his ass for harassing her. Like, I’m pretty sure Marcus knew she had a man, especially if Mo knows him by name. Warren tells Marcus that he’s gonna pound his ass the next day. Marcus, who can’t fight at all, is terrified. TJ realizes this is going too far and now he must try to undo his wrongs. But only for Marcus, not Yvette.

Mo and TJ watch Marcus flub free throw after free throw at their house and he tells TJ that his A is more important than the livelihood of his alleged bestie. TJ hatches another plan to get Warren off Marcus’s back that involves Mo auditioning for a role 4 years in advance and TJ intervening as the brother of one of Mo’s victims. 

It’s so silly because Mo is pretty much the same size as, if not bigger than Warren. But Mo is soft, and when Marcus tries to walk to Warren to get out of his beating, he ruins the plan. After he catches wind of what seems to be Mo going after Alena, he hits Mo and Mo winces! Warren realizes that this is plot-contrived bullshit and then they all fight. TJ and crew (minus Mo, for some reason) end up at home, watching the results of his findings. Floyd is more than fine with Yvette and Marcus kicking his little ass. But before that, Floyd has to inject TJ with some fatherly advice. He tells TJ that he needs to consider people’s human feelings and that they’re not test subjects. This is one of the many conversations Floyd has to have with TJ where I really begin to wonder if TJ is a budding narcissist because he is so good at manipulating everyone around him.

Case in point: the next scene, where he turns it on and plays that innocent role, only for Floyd to coddle him. When he leaves to grab his stuffed animal, TJ begins bragging to his camera about his deception. Thankfully, Floyd catches him and grounds him. He was grounded in the last episode, so I guess TJ is double grounded now? Womp. 

Stuff I noticed:

- Yvette somehow became a dom after reading that article. She actually hits Tyler with a rolled up newspaper when he’s bad, gives him treats when he’s good and she even bought him a collar!

- This sarcastic ass face TJ gives Marcus after he gets curved.

Original air date: April 2, 1997

Everyone remember the whole “No Snitching” moment from the early 2000s c/o of Dipset? I remember it being blown up when Cam’ron went on 60 Minutesto let Anderson Cooper know that he would not snitch on his serial killing neighbor next door. Sorry future murder victims, Cam’ron’s consicence lies with the streets!

This is essentially what goes on in this episode, except with no Parental Advisory sticker. The episode begins with Mo and Marcus discussing an upcoming basketball game in the bathroom. Mo begins smoking a cigarette and Marcus clearly disapproves. TJ walks in and is wide-eyed at the thought of someone purposefully doing something that would cause their body harm. When he’s older, he’ll understand. Clink, clink.

The boys leave and TJ is holding the cigarette that Mo just chucked, curious at the little cancer stick. Just as he’s about to toss it, Principal Dowling shows up to bust the culprit. TJ, not wanting to go back to the office and be forced to mingle with more Airheadsextras, immediately snitches on Mo. TJ is about to leave when he reminds Dowling of the reason why he came into the men’s bathroom in the first place and she skedaddles, suddenly aware that she just barged into the men’s room and totally could have seen underage peen. 

Meanwhile, across the hall, Marcus is taking a gander at the mural being painted of the Penguins and is not okay with how small his chest looks. Yvette overhears this and walks over to Marcus, telling him that he needs to lift more because he looks like the “Black Gilligan.” 

Mo rushes over and asks about what they’re going to do to TJ since he’s snitched on him for the whole smoking thing. Marcus says he once left TJ in the woods but he located the North star and beat Marcus home. Yep, Marcus abandoned his younger brother once for…reasons. Becuase of TJ’s snitchery, Mo is out of the game. How did he know TJ was the one who gave him up, though? Does Piedmont not have trusted authority figures who can keep secrets when their students desperately need them? No, of course not. They have no IT department and no AP classes, so I guess any promise of confidentiality is out of the window as well. 

Anyhoo, Mo is blaming TJ for his misfortune although Mo shouldn’t have been smoking in the damn bathroom to begin with. He snarls at TJ and says that if he were his age he would have beat the shit out of him. Marcus then explains to TJ what the code is: no snitching. Lester, who will later sexually assault Yvette, but under the pseudonym Ramon, is hovering above TJ while clamoring about how mad he is that someone ratted on Mo. Marcus says he doesn’t know, but if Mo knows who snitched and it got around, shouldn’t he know too? Then again, he does seem a little…odd and that factoid could have gotten lost somewhere. 

He and Mo show up at the Henderson home later to warn Marcus of a planned scoreboard theft. TJ wants to be included, which I honestly have no problem with seeing as Lester is the UBS guy on steroids and would probably fuck everything up, but TJ knows he’s on the outs with the guys. Why even bother to ask? After he gets his feelings hurt, he talks to his pappy, who attempts to get him to open up, but is disappointed to learn TJ is taking this non-snitching doctrine to heart. 

At school, the boys are horrified to learn that their mural has gone from this:

To this:

And while I do commend the amount of time it took Truman to come and do this very elaborate painting, wouldn’t it have been easier to just deface the mural instead?

Dowling warns the boys to not retaliate and they agree until she walks away. Unfortunately, all three of these morons can’t come up with any good revenge plans. Enter TJ, who worms his way back in the clique by bringing up district report card day. He asks the gang, “And what does that mean?” Mo painfully replies, “a whooping?” Ha! Black childhood trauma is funny and relatable. 

TJ’s plan is to lower all of the grades of the best Truman basketball players so that they don’t qualify for the game. Because the Penguins suck so hard that they have to play against other shitty players to even the score. Hey, I guess if you can’t beat them, fight their less competent constituents. 

TJ and the gang meet up at Truman. You already know that somebody is going to fuck something up and blow their cover, but at least it’s fun to watch the mess go down. TJ has a code to open the school’s gate but revels in watching Marcus and Mo attempt to scale the fence. TJ is a petty little asshole. 

After successfully getting into the computer lab, TJ then successfully gives the correct players their terrible grades. Mission accomplished! But then Mo goes and undoes it all by writing about their plan, putting his fucking name on the paper and somehow leaving this note behind during their break-in. Dowling already knows Marcus and Mo are too dumb to have come up with such an elaborate plan. Rather than follow the “code,” they instantly snitch on TJ and give him up as the ringleader. 

Naturally, TJ is confused. How come the code wasn’t applied in this situation? He and Marcus begin saying how they didn’t have choices when their asses were on the line and did what they had to do, just like Henry Hill and Tekashi 6ix9ine. I can’t think of any other famous snitches. Floyd is there to witness the boys duke it out over the code and he gives his Lesson of the Day, that you should speak up when you know something is wrong. 

But TJ can’t just accept that he fucked up and leave it at that. Oh, no! Time to drag a few people down with him, first up being Lester who was in on the plan. Petty, but that makes sense at least because he has proximity to why they’re all there to begin with. Does TJ stop there? Nope! Next up is some kid who cheated on a geometry test. Next is a janitor! Yes, TJ very likely could have gotten some old guy fired from his job for stealing lightbulbs. And last but definitely not least, his sister, who has literally nothing to do with anything that just happened. He outs her for having a fake ID that says she’s 28, and of course, Papa Bear Floyd pounces right on that. Like I said before, TJ is a petty little asshole. This isn’t even the last time he does something shitty to Yvette.

During the end credits, we see everyone, including Yvette, who had literally nothing to do with anything, get their “sentences.” Mo is picking up cigarette butts around school. Marcus gets six weeks of grounding with extra laundry duty and rain gutter detail. TJ gets a month grounding, no snacks, and no recreational education. Yvette is grounded for a month and her fake ID is taken away. Case closed, bring out the dancing lobsters.

Stuff I noticed:

- Yvette’s 90s-does-70s outfit is insane and amazing. Kinda reminds me of Tamera’s outfit in the last episode but better.

- Mo’s dad likes to peep on his neighbor through binoculars at night. 

- TJ outs his sister by saying she has a fake ID listing her age as 28. Essence Atkins was 25 at the time of filming. Close enough!

Original air date: April 9, 1997

The “switcheroo” plot is one of the many television tropes that grinds my gears because it is so tired. Nothing annoys me more than a character (usually male) with shitty communication skills who would rather pretend to be two people than simply reschedule. Or a character so indecisive that they can’t even pick a life. 

Anyways, this is the show’s crossover episode. Tahj guest starred in Sister, Sister. Now his twin sisters are doing the same, but in their younger brother’s show! The twins are there to give Marcus something to lust over while TJ’s brain is being appreciated.

Marcus is in the principal’s office trying to switch classes because his teacher is boring although he’s halfway through the semester. Suddenly, Tia Mowry walks in, excited to be joining the class he’s trying to leave. Marcus shoots his shot and succeeds, then starts doing his “happy dance.” Meanwhile, TJ’s brain is being picked apart by Principal Dowling, who needs help understanding how to hook up the school’s internet. Clearly, they have no IT department, or even one or two guys working freelance. But then again, they also don’t have AP classes, so i guess I shoudn’t be shocked.

After Marcus scores the digits, we cut to Floyd at home being greeted by two white men in suits with briefcases. He assumes TJ is in trouble when they ask for him and when one of the cops guys asks why he thinks that, Floyd brilliantly replies, “Two white guys show up at my door in FBI suits, what am I supposed to think?” Loved that line. This show was so unapologetically black.

Luckily, no Fred Hampton situation happens here. They just wanna talk to TJ! However, instead of greeting this obviously gifted black kid the way they would greet a gifted white kid, they resort to the painfully cringeworthy attempt to relate to him by trying to seem “hip” with their watered down Ebonics. “You got a phat crib here, mah man!” TJ’s expression sums it up perfectly.

Floyd walks away from secondhand embarassment. 

TJ, a ten year old black kid from Washington, D.C. is schooling these grown men about internet mumbo jumbo when Kenya Moore shows up. No, seriously.

Floyd begins acting like his son, letting the whole world know that this woman is making all the blood rush to his penis. But Kenya is not there to be their stepmom. She’s there to persuade TJ to work for their company and bribes him with a bigger hard drive so that he can play a computer game. Floyd already knows where this is going.

TJ runs into both sisters the next day at school, meeting the brainier sister in a 70s getup. See, she’s smart because she dresses anachronistically, reads Tolstoy for leisure and wears glasses. Marcus and Mo, now besties, approach the other twin and proceed to make her uncomfortable. Okay, Mo mostly does that, but she accepts it from Marcus because she likes him. Marcus even shoos Mo away from shooting his shot by telling him that someone was leaning on his Pinto. Mo is not letting anyone fuck up his $300 death trap. He takes off. 

Marcus sets a date with Tamera and becomes conflicted because he wants both of them. To do this, he tells Tamera that he is a twin. Thusly, Marcus begat Marquise, who is Marcus if he wore a lace front goatee and a beret. Blah blah, Marcus is manipulating women by pretending to be “deep” and TJ is under the table playing Cyrano, blah. This is honestly one of the few episodes of Smart Guy that I don’t like to rewatch.

After successfully playing the twins, one of them comes back because they desperately want the D. The other one joins because she too, wants the D and they start fighting, recalling childhood infractions. I think this is how Tia and Tamera actually argue. When Marcus reveals that Marquise doesn’t exist, the girls make up because regular degular Marcus is not what they wanted. He’s actually upset by this. Who knew that pretending to be someone you’re not to date two different people could have negative consequences?

Mr. Henderson and Principal Dowling force TJ to choose a company after he continues to accept more bribes. He mentions the other company just gave him a keychain that turns out to be keys to a Jag. Floyd then throws out all of the wisdom he was trying to teach TJ, tells him to accept the company’s offer and high-fives the principal. I love that even Floyd can’t turn down free shit. 

Stuff I noticed:

- Marcus was hinting at a threesome.

- Marcus’s lace front goatee, brought to you by Tyler Perry Studios.

Original air date: April 2, 1997

It is the very first episode, morning time in the Henderson household. Floyd is assembly line packing his kids’ brown bag lunches and they all greet us with their own personalities. Marcus is eager to stick his wee-wee inside whatever girl of the week he’s lusting after and Yvette is getting picked up by a Miguel character (who I’m sure was mentioned later in the series). Floyd hands her a backpack that in no way can hold 7 pairs of shoes that all complement her outfit unless they’re plimsolls. 

I think it’s interesting that Yvette was initially meant to be portrayed as a typical popular crowd member who eventually becomes the black feminist character we know her to be. Hello, character development! Why she is largely ignored in feminist TV teen discussions is beyond me. No it’s not. It’s because she’s black. 

After Yvette leaves with her heavy backpack, TJ comes down and spews his precociousness all over us with the adult-sized hat he models. After he leaves, we’re jettisoned to the title card and TJ emerges from that famous Laidlaw bus onto Piedmont grounds. 

Oh hello, Lisa. We’ll see you later when we’re discussing Yvette’s A-cup angst. You were also in Can’t Hardly Wait. 

TJ eventually makes his way to a class he shares with Marcus which doesn’t make sense because wouldn’t TJ be in AP classes? We see that Marcus wants to sit in front of Mariah, this girl that he and Mo fight over later. She’ll later appear in the Henderson House Party episode. For some reason, Marcus wants to sit in front of her as opposed to next to her. TJ eventually sits next to Mariah, who thinks he is just adorbs. This of course, pisses off Marcus who really needs to get his dick wet and Mariah is the only one entertaining him at the moment.

This is the main theme of the show: TJ’s brilliance causing issues for his family. Marcus is the middle child. It has pretty much been established that Yvette and TJ are the brainiacs and he is the slacker, for lack of better words. Marcus is jealous of TJ because he’s doted on the most due to being the baby, but also because of his exceptional intelligence. Because Marcus’ main goal as a teenage boy is sticking his wee-wee in as many girls as possible, he feels that TJ is cock-blocking him, and therefore overshadowing him when he already feels small enough. We then see TJ attempting to adjust to high school but laughing at childish things like the word “breasts.” This gets him sent to the principal’s office, alongside a clone of Anthony Keidis with Trent Reznor’s 90s baby locs.

Floyd comes up to the school because he’s a good father and talks to not Hilary Banks about whether or not TJ is mature enough to be in high school. I love that Floyd and TJ laugh together when she says “breasts” again. Like father, like son! 

We get to the big conflict of this episode, which is TJ infringing on Marcus’s hobby. TJ is now, all of a sudden the mascot and this just really ruffles Marcus’ feathers although I wonder how he didn’t know until TJ put on the costume? Why would the costume designers even make a high school mascot suit that only a child could wear? Nothing about this makes any sense except to show that TJ’s cuteness really grinds Marcus’ gears. 

The little penguin tries to break up a fight between Marcus and Mo who are “brawling” over Mariah but fails and ends up in the principal’s office with a seething Marcus who wishes TJ would disappear. At the game, TJ hides under the bleachers, butthurt by his brother’s words. When Yvette rushes to Floyd who tells him that TJ is refusing to mascot, Floyd immediately swoops in under the bleachers to do his fatherly duty.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that Floyd is an actual good father? I mean, yes, he has to be that for his kids since his wife died, but most TV dads are portrayed as clueless and needing the guidance or assistance of a woman to effectively parent. You know, because dads’ only jobs are to provide and that’s it. If you want an emotional connection, talk to your mother. Not Floyd! Floyd actually meets TJ at his level, attempts to relate to him, climbing under the bleachers to help sort out his feelings of being the odd man out. He doesn’t default to yanking him from under the bleachers and forcing him to soldier on, hiding his feelings away to appease everyone else. I love healthy depictions of parent/child relationships, especially with black characters since we seem to be typecast as victims of endless dysfunction.

Marcus joins and apologizes for being a dick. TJ vows to accept that Marcus is dumber than him (his words, not mine). Of course, this only lasts the duration of this episode. Marcus’s shitty team wins the game, a rarity for the Penguins since in almost every episode after this, it’s mentioned that they are horrible. Aaaaand freeze-frame ending!

Stuff I noticed:

- Yvette defending TJ from the wrath of Lisa. This is more than I ever saw from Marcus. TJ will repay her by revenge porn-ing her later. No, seriously.

- Yvette even being on the cheerleading team is a rare moment of continuity, seeing as in a future episode, Yvette says she quit the team because she found it degrading.

- TJ coaching the coach at the end of the episode which led the Penguins to victory. Foreshadowing!

-Smart Guy was filmed on the same set as Boy Meets World.