I never knew I had so many options besides clean-shaven.

Question: Wouldn’t the Villain intentionally cross the seal?

ladyofthehouse:

delgrosso:

mostlysignssomeportents:

tag urself I’m “kil’d by several accidents”

Planet, obvi.

Cancer and wolf

Behind the Medic: Was it something I said

Nurse: There’s a lady out front with her son, she thinks he swallowed a nickel.

Cranquis: Well THAT doesn’t make cents.

Colleagues:

2 HOURS LATER

Nurse: The patient in room 6 is just here for a stuffy nose.

Cranquis: Well THAT doesn’t make scents.

Colleagues:

pajjorimre:

Autószerelőd.

OHHHH, so it’s like a board game version of WebMD, but for cars.

dduane:

Via @DaytimeDan on Twitter: “In honor of my wife, the breast radiologist, I present to you… Mammo-Grahams.”

valoricky:

memewhore:

This is a stupid conversation! and I’m not going to continue it!


literally so fucking correct

from @codebluememes

mysharona1987:

cranquis:

A lot of people have been asking me what it’s like being on the COVID wards in the hospital, so I figured I’d share what a typical day looks like for me:

6am - Wake up. Roll off of my pile of money that Big Pharma gave me. Softly weep as it doesn’t put a dent in my medical school loans

6:30am - Make breakfast, using only foods from the diet that gives me everlasting life by avoiding all fats, sugars, carbs, and proteins. For details buy my book and check out my shop.

7am - Get to work, load up my syringes with coronavirus before rounds.

8am - See my patients for the day. Administer the medications that the government tells me to. Covertly rub essential oils on the ones I want to get better.

9:30am - Call Bill Gates to check how 5G tower construction is going, hoping for more coronavirus soon. He tells me they’re delayed due to repairs on the towers used to spread the Black Plague. Curse the fact that this is the most efficient way to spread infectious diseases.

10am - One patient tells me he knows “the truth” about coronavirus. I give him a Tdap booster. He becomes autistic in front of my eyes. He’ll never conspire against me again.

11am - Tend to the secret hospital garden of St. John’s wort and ginkgo leaves that we save for rich patients and donors. 

12:30pm - Pick up my briefcase of money from payroll, my gift from Pfizer for the incomprehensible profits we make off of the free influenza vaccine given every year.

1pm - Conference call with Dr. Fauci and the lab in Wuhan responsible for manufacturing viruses. Tell them my idea about how an apocalypse-style zombie virus would be a cool one to try for the next batch.

2pm - A patient starts asking me about getting rid of toxins. I ask her if she has a liver and kidneys. She tells me she knows “the truth” about Big Anatomy and that the only way to detoxify herself is to eat nothing but lemon wedges and mayonnaise for weeks. I give her a Tdap booster.

2:45pm - Help the FBI, CIA, and CDC silence the masses. Lament the fact that I can only infringe on one or two of their rights. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

4pm - One of my rich patients begins to crash. Laugh as I realize I’ve mismatched her spirit animal and zodiac moon sign. I switch out the Purple Amethyst above her bed for a Tiger’s Eye geode. She stabilizes. I throw some ginkgo leaves on her for good measure

6pm - Go onto YouTube and see coronavirus conspiracy videos everywhere. Curse my all powerful government for how inept they are at keeping people from spreading “the truth”

6:10pm - Go onto Amazon and see that a book about “the truth” is the #1 seller this week. Question the power of my all powerful government. Make a reminder to myself to get more Tdap boosters from the Surgeon General next time we talk. 

7pm - Time to go home. Before I leave, sacrifice a goat to Dr. Fauci and say three Hippocratic Oaths.

9pm - Take a contented sigh as I snuggle under the covers made of the tinfoil hats of my enemies, realizing that my 4 years of medical school and 3 years of residency training have been put to good use today.

luckticket:

vampiresinvienna:

Me: Doctor, why is that syringe filled with glitter?
Doctor: Anaesthetic.

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

me n my husband got diff vaxes so now we have to bully each other in public like some kind of bad lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers fic

that-catholic-shinobi:

when your patient won’t take their meds, and you’re trying to convince them

headspace-hotel:

afloweroutofstone:

I’m so impressed by how he filmed a fight scene with only himself

Another good reason to get vaccines

unmutedlark:

southbreak:

princessxbumblebee:

toes-or-not:

zukosgay:

the-illusion-of-sanity:

zukosgay:

zukosgay:

diseases in english are like “oh you have conjungitivitistittis. :)”

german meanwhile is like “you have hurty tummy syndrome :////”

going to a doctor in english: my esophagus seems to be inflamed and my trachea is itchy

going to a doctor in german: uwu dokteur, my eat-tube and breathe-tube are hurty :[[

dokteur: ahhh, yes, that is the eat-tube-and-breathe-tube-itchy-hurty-syndrome, here have some ibuprofen

“i need to go see the otolaryngologist”

“oh you mean the throat-noses-ears-doctor?”

birth control vs. antibabypillen

getting a ride 2 tge hospital in an ambulance vs. getting a ride 2 the sickhouse in a sickwagon

Is this really what german is like?

yes.

tachycardic–tendencies:

Thank you, radiology, for knowing what I really care about.