Jealous of Your Jealousy

Someone asked a question in one of the polyamory groups I’m in that I thought was a good one and something that people don’t often bring up. They asked if anyone has ever felt jealous of their partner’s jealousy in their OTHER relationships. Example: Kevin (husband) almost never gets jealous with me so if he expressed feeling jealous of something happening with Roselyn (his partner of almost two years), that expression of jealousy over her would make ME feel jealous that he experiences jealousy with her but not me. This is actually quite common. This was my response and I thought it was useful so I’m sharing it here:

“The feeling is why are you jealous about HER but not about ME. It made me feel like he loved her more because the jealousy he felt was an indicator that he’s afraid to lose that relationship whereas his lack of jealousy with me felt like he didn’t care what happened to his relationship with me so consequently she must be more important to him. What I came to realize is that his lack of jealousy with me isn’t that he cared less but that he felt more secure about the solidity of our relationship. He is confident that I’m not going anywhere. We’ve been together through thick and thin for fifteen years. With a newer person, that security just isn’t there so a new relationship with someone else felt threatening to him. So in a way, it’s a good thing that he doesn’t feel jealousy with me because it means that I’m doing my job being a good partner to him and he feels secure. But that reframe took time to realize and I still internally do wish he’d sometimes get jealous when I do things, too. I will say that even in his other relationships, he really doesn’t get jealous often. He’s just not a jealous person.”