unethical non-monogamy

Legit answers only. Where do you think this is wrong? WHY SO MUCH SHADE ON SOMETHING YOU NEVER TRIED?

Triple kiss, triple lust, triple fun.

We are sensual beings. Discovering our own sexuality in our own special way.

This sounds like fun. I also like when she tells me of past lovers. I’ve really been into her one night stands before she met me.

This is how we do Saturday morning errands in our house.

Context: She was telling me all about her date last night so her nipples got really hard.

It’s still early yet, but this is how she’s going out today. She loves it when guys stare at her tits in the store.

Come to think of it, I really like it when guys stare at her tits in the store. Or anywhere else, for that matter, which is why we love sharing them on Tumblr.

Low Man on the Ladder

Finna drop some Polyam knowledge on y'all. There is a phenomenon I have observed that I like to call “Low Man on the Ladder”. It’s the concept of last one hired, first one fired. How this plays out is like this:

Say you are dating someone with two partners in addition to you and they had those partners when you met them. You have no issue with those partners and feel little jealousy when your partner interacts with them. Then your partner starts dating someone new and you find yourself losing your shit about it. What’s wrong? You fully accept their relationships with their other partners. Why can’t you seem to accept this budding new relationship?

I believe it’s because you are the last partner they acquired so that means that one, you have been around for the least amount of time and there’s a security that comes with length of time, and two, you partner has demonstrated that they can have these other connections and you already so their existing relationships don’t feel like a threat to you because they had them when your formed YOUR relationship with your partner. There is no precedent, however, that this new person won’t have an adverse affect on your relationship with your partner; that your partner can hold the older relationships and yours and this new one at the same time. And since you are the “last one hired” you become scared that you’ll be the “first one fired” if it becomes too much to handle for your partner.

How do you deal with this? Believe your partner values their connection with you regardless of the new shiny relationship. They are still choosing you in addition to this person. What if they don’t and the new person does “push me out”? That does happen, not gonna lie….but don’t you want someone that WANTS you. Like for real. Someone that no one could make them “push you out”. If that happens, the new person did you a favor. Will it hurt? Yes. Will you be better off because it will free up the space for you to have someone that is worthy of you? Also yes.

And if I can take it a step further, chances are that your partner is just as scared that this new person will make YOU want to leave THEM because you can’t handle their new love but folks don’t be ready for that level of compassion.

*Edited to be more culturally aware*

“Babe, What If We Try an Open Relationship?”

Finna drop a jewel on y’all monogamous folks that are polyam curious or interested, know this: Once you introduce the concept of non-monogamy in any form to a relationship, that relationship is irrevocably changed from that point forward whether you both decide to pursue it or not. Be ready.

A common theme I feel amongst my relationships is feeling like they are “upside-down”. I give a lot and am very flexible so I am often left feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick in my relationships. This is causing me to re-examine how I move and how I show up in my pursuits of romantic relationships. My current romantic partnerships are what they are but moving forward with new people, I’m beginning to wonder if I should change my approach to something a little slower and steadier and methodical.

I’m not a slow burn person. I like the sparks. I have also never had the experience of being “friends first” with a person and growing in desire and attraction for someone. It has never happened to me. I either want you that way or I don’t. My general approach is starting from that point and working out the details after the fact but I’m wondering if it might not behoove me to sit with a person for a while and see how they treat me, how they love, how they show up for me BEFORE being quick to call it. That takes time. I’m also wondering if I should be more open to people that pursue me because I usually find myself in the place of the pursuer more often than not and a common feeling I experience in my relationships is feeling like I’m more “into” the person than they are into me. Would shifting that paradigm change that, too?

The interesting thing is that if I’m not really feeling you like that, it’s apparent. I’m either SUPER into you or I’m not so someone I was only mildly or moderately interested in would be able to detect that. So I don’t know how to reconcile who I have always know myself to be romantically with who I feel I might need to become in order to achieve different results.

One of the things I came away from my Ayahuasca ceremonies with is that my feelings surrounding polyamory have changed but I can’t put my finger on how. I just know I don’t feel the same about it. I feel more relaxed about it’s presence in my life, less anxious and “clingy” for it, and mildly apathetic about it. Even the thought of the loss of my current partners doesn’t make me sad. I have peace about it and feel little emotion about the possibility of no longer being in relationship with them. While I am grateful for the calm seas of my emotions, I don’t want to be “blah” in my relationships either. I don’t even know where these changes came from. I just looked around and they were there, I was there

Amazon.com: Watch Poly Love | Prime Video

I participated in a documentary about my first polyamorous relationship a few years ago. Just found out it will be screened for Pride in Madrid. Check it out.

I don’t even OFFER triad advice because the whole thing makes my ass itch and I’m IN a triad but I’m getting so sick of the foolishness I see, I’m feeling benevolent enough today to drop a jewel on y’all. Must be these morning meditation sessions I’ve been getting in, lately.

Anyhoo, the reason why triads are so hard is because they are FOUR relationships in one and they EACH have to be cultivated and maintained to keep the triad healthy. There’s the relationship between A + B, B + C, A + C, and then A + B + C. They ALL have to be nurtured. So yes, ladies (or men on non-binary person), your husband (or wife, or partner) needs to have individual time with whatever lady (or man on non-binary person) you’re pursuing. If they can only relate to you as a couple, the individual relationships will not flourish and more than likely, your triad will soon be defunct.

Jealous of Your Jealousy

Someone asked a question in one of the polyamory groups I’m in that I thought was a good one and something that people don’t often bring up. They asked if anyone has ever felt jealous of their partner’s jealousy in their OTHER relationships. Example: Kevin (husband) almost never gets jealous with me so if he expressed feeling jealous of something happening with Roselyn (his partner of almost two years), that expression of jealousy over her would make ME feel jealous that he experiences jealousy with her but not me. This is actually quite common. This was my response and I thought it was useful so I’m sharing it here:

“The feeling is why are you jealous about HER but not about ME. It made me feel like he loved her more because the jealousy he felt was an indicator that he’s afraid to lose that relationship whereas his lack of jealousy with me felt like he didn’t care what happened to his relationship with me so consequently she must be more important to him. What I came to realize is that his lack of jealousy with me isn’t that he cared less but that he felt more secure about the solidity of our relationship. He is confident that I’m not going anywhere. We’ve been together through thick and thin for fifteen years. With a newer person, that security just isn’t there so a new relationship with someone else felt threatening to him. So in a way, it’s a good thing that he doesn’t feel jealousy with me because it means that I’m doing my job being a good partner to him and he feels secure. But that reframe took time to realize and I still internally do wish he’d sometimes get jealous when I do things, too. I will say that even in his other relationships, he really doesn’t get jealous often. He’s just not a jealous person.”

I hung out with a friend of mine whom I LOVE kicking it with because we just talk and talk and talk and it’s amazing. Anyhoo, we were catching up on life and it reminded me of something I needed to do. These past few weeks, Kevin (my husband) and I have been having some miscommunication issues with regards to polyamory. Communication in polyamory is a big deal, ask anyone who does it. Kevin is by nature not talkative, private, and a passive communicator so that is an area he struggles with. When he went to go visit his LDR, I could tell he made a sincere and concerted effort to communicate better with me and it was super helpful and I really appreciated it. I was reminded that I needed to tell him that. I think it’s important that I acknowledge and show appreciation for my partners when I see them working to improve themselves and how they relate to me. So many times, I have no problems bringing up when I have issues with what they are doing but I want to be just as quick to applaud them when I can see that they took something that I communicated that I needed and applied it to their behavior, especially when I know it’s something that is naturally out of their wheelhouse. Plus it just feels good when someone acknowledges that you’re trying. When they see you showing up for them and they are grateful.

Home | Black Poly Pride 2019: Dallas, TX

Kevin (husband) is away for the weekend for a first visit with one of his LDRs. We usually check in with each other just to see how things are going. He shared something with me that caused me to have a poly lightning bolt moment. I still haven’t fully articulated it to myself so I’m just winging it here. Kevin is a loner. He has very few friends and keeps his people interaction to a minimum. Truthfully, I’ve been his sole relationship of substance for a long time. One thing I know about interacting with other people is that they bring things out of you and that is crucial to developing yourself. Kevin and I have been together for fifteen years. The situations we find ourselves in are largely routine. While we do learn new things about one another and develop each other, it’s different with other people that we’re with. Seeing this in that moment helped me shed a little more of the discomfort I experience with him interacting with other people. It’s not about me. It’s about him and him becoming his own person.

I consider myself to be vanilla. It’s actually a running gag amongst my friends because they swear up and down it isn’t true. My husband and I have never been into kink or explored it outside of a few rare instances of mild restraint or an occasional spanking or two. I just thought it was something neither of us were particularly interested in.

One evening, he told me that he was going to a kink class at a local adult shop the following week. Some of his partners and connections at the time were big into kink and he wanted to see if there was something there for him. I mentally panicked. In my mind, he was going to go to that class, become super kinky, connect with his other loves deeper because of that which would make our connection pale in comparison, and decide that he no longer wanted any vanilla relationships. My mind went from 0 to divorce in .25 seconds. Kinda ironic now that we are actually divorcing. I think a large issue for him with me was not feeling as free to develop himself without having to deal with my emotions about it.

Our partners are allowed to change, to discover new versions of themselves, to meet people that open them up to new personal possibilities. Sometimes those changes are scary for us. Sometimes, they even take them away from us or make it so we can no longer be together. They still get to do it, though. We’re also allowed to change, too.

“…. shift into an understanding that change is constant, and you get the gift of witnessing and supporting each other in transformation.”

-Adrienne Maree Brown, “Pleasure Activism”

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Our partners are allowed to change. To explore themselves and discover newness. To meet people who introduce them to different ideas and identities. Yes, it can feel scary or threatening when that happens but we can’t let fear cause us to desire to limit or control another’s becoming.

Love in the Time of COVID-19

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Longevity isn’t the Only Measure of Success: A Personal Story

I met one of my former partners at a meetup for burners at a local bar. I had been curious about Burning Man for a long time and was trying to connect to the burn community here in San Diego. He was one of two guys there and we spent the entire night talking about everything from our psychedelic experiences to our kids to systemic racism. We “clicked”. When we left the bar, he asked for my number because we both loved to eat and he wanted to grab a bite together some day. First date was to a hip sushi spot that a dj friend of his was playing a set in. He spent the night at my place, did the walk of shame past my kids in the morning, and a love affair was born.

Notice I sad “former partner” because he and I are no longer together. He was in the armed forces and was about to get out and was only here in San Diego for a few more months before we met. I was crushed. We had such a short time together. We were determined to make the most of it, though, and we did. He introduced me to my first motorcycle ride, the surprising joy of vegan food, and how much I enjoyed having a “hippie bae”. I introduced him to The Color Purple (he was white), Noah Purifoy’s Junk Dada exhibit in Joshua Tree, and nights on the dance floor rolling to EDM music. We enjoyed each other.

When he moved back to where his wife and family lived, we tried to maintain the relationship long distance but that didn’t work out. Nothing “happened”, just that the distance and what we each had going on in our individual lives made continuing on in a romantic sense not viable. We parted as friends, still speak on occasion, and my meta (his wife) and I are still wonderful friends, actually closer than he and I are now. To me, this relationship was a “success”.

Monogamy tells us that the most valuable and meaningful metric of relationship success is longevity. Couples are applauded for going the distance. When someone posts a photo of a couple celebrating multiple year anniversaries, you usually see comments like “relationship goals”. Rarely do people say the same thing to the exes, now friends, who weren’t able to stay together romantically but still value the relationship they have with each other and continue to remain lovingly connected.

I want to say that there is NOTHING wrong with longevity being an important or the most important way that you view your relationships as successful. There are many people who feel that way and that is valid. It’s just not the ONLY metric for success and there are people who value other things as indicators of a successful relationship.

Did you learn something from the relationship? Did you part peacefully? Do you still have memories or experiences in your current life that you value from the relationship? Did you recognize personal growth? Did you enrich each other’s lives? Are you grateful that it happened? The answers to these questions can be just as valid of a measurement of the success of a relationship as “Are you still together?”

Part of becoming non-monogamous is redefining what “relationship” mean to us and that includes what it means to us when they end. I think it’s important to take a look at the relationship beliefs we hold and ask ourselves if they still serve the current model we are in. Nonmonogamy frees us to figure out for ourselves what a successful relationship means to us and in our individual relationships. No two people would define success the same so I think allowing yourself to trust in your OWN definition of it is best.

Enough For Me: A Personal Story

This be the realest shit I ever wrote:

Haven’t shared any of my personal polyam shit in a while because honestly, my polyam has been pretty chill. I recently had some emotions that I had to process through, however, and thought they might be useful.

I was talking to a very good friend of mine who is what I would call a “hot girl”. I can’t tell you how many times I have told someone that I was a friend of hers and I heard “OMG, I am so into her.” And she’s beautiful, funny, intelligent, super sweet, amazing. I get it. We were going over our stuff and I told her that while I know she doesn’t see herself this way, to me, she is someone that if my partner began to date her, I’d be pretty intimidated by that. I’m more than sure that I’m not the only person who would say this about her.

Most people don’t like to admit shit like this but y’all know how I do. I have ZERO qualms about being human. The reality (at least for me) is that whatever things about you that you have that you are insecure about, your partners dating people that trigger those insecurities will have an effect on you. And interestingly enough, you may have different things you’re insecure about in different relationships. My biggest insecurity overall is my looks. That’s just standard. It comes from shit I’ve dealt with all my life. With Kevin (husband), my insecurity in that relationship is my desirability to him. He’s not a very expressive person and also isn’t a particularly ardent person. The ways in which I perceive a person as finding me desirable are not natural ways he shows up with. I have some smaller insecurities (lack of degree, unemployed and in general unconcerned about money acquisition, I’m awkward as fuck) but my looks, attractiveness, and desirability top the list. With my other partner, it’s distance I’m insecure about. We live two hours away so I’m not local.

Anyhoo, a situation happened recently where a partner of mine interacted with a “hot girl”. One of those people that triggers my anxiety because a partner is interacting with them. Now, because I’ve been doing this for a while, I knew fairly quickly what the issue was and why I was feeling a way about it. I talked to my partner about it, and one of the things that we discussed was that I don’t necessarily care that they desire others, it’s the thought that they desire someone MORE than me. What’s super funny about that is I don’t feel that way about my OWN partners; I just desire them. There is no “more” than the other; it’s just desire period. But believing that your partners feel that way about you is much harder. As we were discussing it, I also brought up another relationship I have where I sometimes feel jealousy because I think the person values or communicates value for another person more than they do me.

The epiphany that came from all this is that as long as I can say “I feel desired” or “I feel valued” in my relationship then what difference does it make “how much” desire or value my partner has for someone else? As long as I can say I believe my partner desires me or values me, then I’m good. It’s funny. The day before their interaction with the person, if someone would have asked me “Do you believe your partner desires and values you?”, I would have answered yes. So why would that change because of another?

I also still have TONS of work I need to do in the area of my relationship to my attractiveness and desirability, especially as it relates to my weird (TO ME) weight loss body. Also I’m getting older and there’s this panic that sets in for women as we age because we are told that we lose our desirability as we get older (or at least that’s what is happening to me). And since I’m polyamorous, a whole lot of my life is spent considering my attractiveness and desirability. I don’t enjoy that this is still a thing for me but we all have our shit. I’d love to be in a place where me believing someone is “prettier” than me isn’t cause for me to feel badly about myself. Really, I’d like to be in a place where if I believed someone was “more than” me in any way that I want to be that I’m ok with that.

I think sometimes after doing this a while, you forget the basic lessons that polyamory teaches you. One of the first things I had to learn to grasp is “I am enough.” And not only “I am enough” but “I am enough FOR ME”. People are going to formulate opinions and ideas about me, they are going to compare and rank me to others, they are going to size me up based on their individual value sets. We all do this. If I’m measuring myself by someone else’s stick, I’m always going to be here. It’s my own beliefs about myself that are most important.

I also need to learn to be ok about not feeling great about EVERY aspect of me ALL the time. I am who I am. Some shit I love about me. Some shit I don’t. Same like everyone else.

What to do When Your Partner is on a Date?

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

5. Don’t blow up your partner’s phone while they are on a date. That’s inconsiderate to the person they are on a date with and them. If there’s an emergency, of course reach out but if it can wait, wait. If you are struggling through some feelings and need to share that, write it down and share it with them when they return. Try to give them the space to enjoy themselves.

KTP or Die

So in 2020 can we stop forcing people to be around people they clearly don’t enjoy under the banner of “Kitchen Table Poly”? Like, I’m all for crafting the polyamorous experience that you want and I appreciate the people I can have KTP with but think about it. We don’t force our friends to be friends with all of our friends so why do we HAVE to have all our partners connected to each other? Half the time I don’t even feel like people be caring about KTP, they just want to stunt for the gram that they can “do poly well”. Let people have the relationships they want to have with the people they want to have them with. If it’s KTP, great. If it’s parallel, great. Just focus on making sure YOUR relationships are good with your partners and let them figure out how they want to engage one another. Not having KTP doesn’t mean that there has to be drama and ill will behind that. Some people just don’t vibe. And if there IS drama, then why would you want to force people to have to sit in that with someone?

I refuse to do it. If ION like someone ION like ‘em. I’m not concerned with what that makes me look like to people or how they judge my ability to “poly” because of it. I’m the one who guards my peace. And people my partners date are allowed to choose how they wish to engage ME. I think people feeling like it’s perfectly acceptable to dictate that a person their partner is seeing HAS to interact with them how THEY want them to is weird as fuck.

A Personal Dating Story

I met a new transgender person yesterday. It wasn’t a “date” but we did meet on OkCupid. We just sat by the marina and smoked and talked in the rain. I ran down a sand bank to scare some seagulls like a little kid. We had dope conversation. We had this moment where I was telling him about my weight loss. He said he would have never guessed that I was larger and I replied that if he saw my body beneath my clothes, he could tell. I shared with him that I feel like my body lies in clothes but tells a different story when I’m naked and he looked at me and was like “Yep. I understand that.” And immediately, I knew that he did and we shared this moment of my being cisgender and his being transgender being relevant and irrelevant at the same time because even though the understanding of that experience came from different places, the reality is that we’re both just two human beings working ourselves through our human bodies. It was a dope bonding moment.

And I think I liked him.

Having a convo on one of my posts:

There are people that believe that the best way to “show up” for your partners in polyamory is by doing the best you can to work through ANY and ALL emotions you have about what they are doing on your own and to only come to your partner with support and joy about what they are doing with others. This way, your partners don’t have to deal with feeling any guilt or shame about what they are doing or feel like they are doing something wrong. Kevin is one of these people.

There are people that believe that the best way to show up to your partners in polyamory is by sharing your emotions with your partners and letting them know the things that you are sensitive about so that they can have a deeper understanding of who you are, what triggers you, and how you tick so you can be mindful of that. They see sharing their emotions with you as giving you tools to help you move more mindfully of them in the future. Evita is one of these people.

These are opposing viewpoints. So when I was having emotions in polyamory and sharing them with him, he saw it as the opposite of me showing up for him and instead saw it as me burdening him with them to make him feel bad for what he was doing and not being supportive. When he wasn’t sharing any emotions with me, I saw it as him not caring about what I do with others and not being vulnerable with me and helping me understand what he’s sensitive about so I can be mindful. Now we just realize that the other sees these things differently so when it shows up in each other, we can take it less personal. I don’t attach my motivations or beliefs about why he’s doing what he’s doing onto him and he doesn’t attach his beliefs about this onto me because we realize that we are just different people in this way.

I think a lot of issues happen in relationships in polyamory when it comes to dealing with emotions because one person sees it as “Can’t you see that your emotions make me feel bad about what I’m doing?” and the other person sees it as “Can’t you see I’m trying to help you see how you can be sensitive to me?”

It helps to know which category you fall into.

One of the things I have learned in non-monogamy is that the boxes we build around our partners and what they do with others are boxes we build around ourselves. I like having the maximum amount of freedom available to me so that then means that I have to afford the maximum amount of freedom I can offer. I don’t take liberties I am unwilling to afford. That’s why I do the personal work that I do.

When creating “rules” and “agreements” it’s all well and good until YOU are the one that wants to do the thing. I try to remember that. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So when you are creating rules and agreements around what makes you comfortable it’s cool until you find yourself in a place where now YOU want to do the thing and YOU’RE the one being restricted. It’s easy to say you don’t want to do a thing until you find yourself wanting to do it and now you’re in a pickle. Too many couples have found themselves in the place of making agreements to restrict certain things and one of them upholding that even when they experienced times of wanting to do it but they chose not to and then the other partner comes asking to change or get rid of the agreement. The person who followed the agreement and restricted themselves usually ends up feeling resentment about that. All bad.

Polyamory, to me, feels best when I focus on what *I* want to do and how *I* want to move and then aligning myself with people that feel similarly. That way I won’t feel the need to create rules and agreements because how we feel things should be conducted are congruent.

Polyamory/Non-Monogamy isn’t about more love for me. It’s about freedom.

For the people that experience more “emotions” in polyamory. Yes, your emotions are valid and yes, you have every right to bring them to your partners and want them to care about your feelings, however, YOUR work is to bring your emotions up WELL.

As a person who has large emotions herself, it is very possible to bring up your emotions in such a dramatic, caustic, volatile way that it makes it impossible for your partner to get anywhere near them to be able to help with them.

It is possible to bring them up in such a way to where you are making your partner RESPONSIBLE for them. It is possible to bring them up in such a way that you are insinuating or even accusing your partner of being “wrong” for what they are doing or that they should feel guilty about what they are doing or that they don’t love or care about you because of what they are doing. It is possible to have emotions that are SO large and difficult for your partner to deal with them that they instead choose to navigate polyamory in all these weird ass ways so as to not have to deal with the hurricane that is your emotions. SO! From one hurricane to another, some tips:

Cool down. If you are really triggered, take a step back for a bit and don’t try to engage in the middle of an emotional storm. It’s ok to say “I’m really upset about this and I need a minute before I talk about it.”

If your partner has not broken any agreements between you, THEY ARE NOT WRONG FOR WHAT THEY DID. You might not LIKE it, but they aren’t WRONG. Try to remember that.

If they DID break an agreement, examine that. Was it that they broke it or was it vague enough to be loosely interpreted? Was it reasonable? Did they WANT to agree to it or did they just concede to it because you were upset about the issue at hand?

Assess what is REALLY bothering you first. Are you REALLY upset that your partner went to see a horror film with their other partner or are you upset because horror films are something that they enjoy that you don’t and that makes you feel threatened? Often times, it’s not the initial trigger but what’s underneath it. Dig a little deeper and if you can, it’s best to do that on your own AWAY from your partner.

Is it jealousy that you are feeling, is it envy, or is it a mixture of both? Those two feel similar but are two distinct emotions and have distinct solutions to them. Learn to differentiate between the two.

Try to maintain a reasonable timeline for discussing issues and also be mindful of your partner’s bandwith for emotional discussions. I used to drag shit out for DAYS sometimes on end. It was too much. There is such a thing as talking TOO much about an issue. At some point, you have to make a choice to do something about it or let it go.

Work on yourself and how you show up in polyamory. And honestly this one ain’t gonna be nothing nice but I don’t care. At some point, the shit should get easier. I’m not saying that feelings should go away because mine still haven’t but they do get easier. If it’s not, why? Is it that you really just don’t need to be living non-monogamously? Is it that the way you and your partner conduct non-monogamy is incompatible and you may need to determine if you can continue to do this together? Is it that you are still holding on to monogamous mindsets that you haven’t rooted out? Only you can answer that for yourself but expecting your partners to go on this consistent roller coaster of emotions EVERY time for some shit that y'all BOTH signed up to do is unfair.

Your partners also need love and compassion in the midst of your emotions and it can be very easy to be self-centered when we are going through things emotionally in polyamory. They can become scared, too. Scared that you will be so upset about what they are doing with someone else that you decide to end things or change things with them and now they have to choose not to lose you or to lose the other person. If you can, let them know that while you don’t love what they are doing, you love THEM and that you are struggling to reconcile the two concepts.

Be vulnerable. It may sound silly to say, “I’m scared that I’m going to lose you to this new person. Can you remind me that you still find me desirable/attractive/loveable?” but that’s usually exactly what you need. IF YOU HAVE A DECENT PARTNER, they should be more than willing to offer you the assurance that you need.

Resist the urge to be petty, sharp, rude, sarcastic, unkind with your words and when you are, own it and apologize. Your partner will be more inclined to want to help you if they are not dodging blows to get close to you in the first place. Take it from me. I am sharp as hell when I’m hurt. It makes it hard to absorb what a person is saying if the delivery was intending to be offensive and incendiary.

This is a lot, I know, but these are just some of the things that I did and can STILL do on occasion and they were counter productive to helping my partners and helping myself.

Wanted to also address this phenomenon that I see in polyamory where people that have more…emotional partners surrounding their polyamorous actions will often go through all of these leaps and bounds and bends and stretches trying to do things in such a way that they avoid their emotional partners having feelings or to try to ensure their partner has the LEAST amount of feelings about what they do, often at the expense of their other less emotional partners. And, if I can be frank, this is a place where sneaky hierarchies can lie. Because WHOSE feelings are more prioritized? More often than not, it’s the feelings of the nested/“primary”/spousal partners.

Folks will do all of these weird ass things trying to avoid feelings when the REAL move should be simply learning how to deal with your partners emotions effectively and compassionately.

Stop seeing your partners having emotions about what you do as a bad thing or as an indicator that you are doing something “wrong” (even if that is what they are saying which is a whole other convo). It’s normal. Just because it’s not how YOU would feel about it, doesn’t mean it’s not valid or that something is wrong with your partner.

Stop seeing your partner’s feelings about what you are doing as a burden to bear. Uncomfortable, yes, but a burden, no. You do not have to assume responsibility for how they feel even if it is connected to something that you are doing. You can care about their feelings without making yourself responsible FOR them.

Try to understand what is triggering them about what you are doing. Ask them what the underlying issue is. And if you don’t understand, be honest about that, too, but do so in such a way that doesn’t come of as alienating them or making them feel broken or wrong for how they feel.

Hold onto your own autonomy if you have made a choice and stand by it. Your other partners deserve that, too. You can say “Hey, I know this makes you uncomfortable and I can hold space for that and work with you as you process this but this is the choice I am making and I am not doing this TO you but FOR me. My making this choice isn’t me saying that I don’t love you or care about you even if it feels that way.”

Recognize what part of you not wanting to deal with their emotions is your own guilt or your own insecurities surrounding “If I do this thing that displeases my partner, will they then stop liking/loving me.” You gotta let that shit go.

Now there is a whole other side of this that deals with the people having emotions having them to the point of it being overly dramatic and obviously difficult to deal with (I’ve been that person so I know) but yeah……learn to DEAL with the emotions instead of making OTHERS deal with them by hurting them by proxy so you don’t have to deal with your partner’s emotions. That’s selfish and unfair.

Hey, guys…….

I honestly feel like dudes want big dicks to impress other dudes because many of the women (and persons with vulvas) I talk to prefer average sized penises, actively avoid larger penises, and rarely orgasm from penetration. I also think men think that if they have a large penis, then that’s all they need and they don’t have to hone OTHER skills that makes sex pleasurable for women (and persons with vulvas). So a couple of things:

Don’t be a one-trick pony. Just having a large penis isn’t going to cut it. Plus each vulva is like a puzzle. They respond differently to different stimulus. So learn to use your fingers, your mouth, get over your egos and invest in some toys. Have a well rounded repertoire of ways to please.

Being comfortable with your body and accepting what you have to work with goes a long way to helping you have confidence in bed.

Not all of us want you to last forever. There IS such a thing as taking too long and I personally don’t like being pounded non-stop for an indefinite period of time. Switch it up. Foreplay is your friend.

Porn is NOT a good resource for learning how to get better at sex. It’s largely based on men’s fantasies about sex and not the realities of sex. Use it to get off if you must but I wouldn’t emulate it.

The G-Spot is generally only about two to three inches into the vaginal canal. It is NOT located where the cervix is. Hitting the cervix may feel good for YOU but it may not feel good for your partner. There are some vulvas that LOVE cervical stimulation, however, so it’s good to ask. Another note is that cervical position fluctuates throughout the month so there may be times where you can go a little deeper and times where you have to stay a little shallower. Pay attention.

Now get out there and start GIVING pleasurable sex not just HAVING pleasurable sex. The more you know. Thank you for “cumming” to my TED Talk.

*Edited to be more trans-inclusive. Not at persons with vulvas are women*

Discomfort

“Poly” does NOT mean “Be ok with everything”. If you’re uncomfortable with something, that’s valid. It’s ok to bring that to your partners and ask them to “partner” with you to see if there’s a way that that discomfort can be mitigated, especially if you are acknowledging their autonomy to do as they please and aren’t trying to control them.

For example: it’s ok to be upset if it’s your birthday and your partner decides to keep their standard date night with another partner instead of spending it with you. It’s ok to ask your partner if they can reschedule their date night so you can spend your birthday together. If they choose not to, it’s ok to be upset about that. None of that would make you “bad” at polyamory.

We need to stop acting like folks just got to smile and giggle about everything their partners do in these poly screets and if they don’t, it’s a problem.

“He Only Wants Her For Sex”

So I may not articulate this well but I’ll try. There is something I have noticed in my polyam journey in relationships comprised of a man and a woman that date separately. The woman may be dating and her husband/nesting or “primary” partner will feel a way if she is engaging a man that he feels “only wants her for sex”. Often times, this comes from a place of love and protection, I get. They don’t want to see their partners hurt by fuck boys. They see immense value in their partner and want others to see that, too. I often imagine, too, that for men, watching your woman partner date men can be a whole new way to see the bullshit that women deal with from men.

The trap is that this can have a undertone of being paternalistic to your partner. Your woman partners are adults and capable of making their own choices about whom they engage. One of the hardest things to deal with in non-monogamy is letting your partners learn their own lessons when it comes to dating and relating.

I also think that sometimes….and this one might smart a bit…..it has an air of “I didn’t treat her like that. I valued her and saw her as more than just sex and here this dude comes along and just gets to fuck her without dealing with all the other stuff that I deal with.” It’s a little judgmental. Like, yeah, you can feel a way about dude for just wanting your lady for sex but if you’re a “good dude” who doesn’t treat women like that, what does it matter if there are other men that do? You being good is about you and not them. And she may WANT just sex from him. That may be ok for her. I think sometimes that it can result in you subconsciously devaluing your partner a little if you are not careful. The ills of slut-shaming misogyny are deep-rooted and not always visible to the naked eye within ourselves.

Remember, you have the relationship that you CHOSE to have with your partner. If you wanted just sex from her, you could have asked for that. If you saw more “value” in her, then that’s what you wanted. Focus on what YOU want to have with her and let her deal with what she wants to have with others.

I hope this isn’t harsh because it’s not intended to be. It’s just something I have noticed considerably and wanted to highlight. Just like I hear women say “It’s not fair that I have to wash his socks and pick his pants up off the floor meanwhile his other partners get to just enjoy him.”, I feel like this is the other side of that.

On Veto Power

The subject of “Veto Power” came up in one of the polyam groups that I’m in. For those of you that don’t know what a “veto” is in polyamory, it’s when you give your partner (usually a spouse/nested partner/“primary” partner) the right to “veto” your other relationships or tell you to end things with someone that you are seeing/in a relationship with.

We don’t have veto power in our marriage and never have. I also wouldn’t knowingly sign up for a relationship where I could potentially be subject to one. I have mixed feelings about vetoes, personally. I understand why people feel the need to have them but to me, they are superfluous. I just don’t get the method that states that I am going to deal with an issue I am having with my partner and their choices by getting rid of the other partner.

Like say your partner has a partner that is abusing them. Your issue isn’t your meta; it’s your partner. Why do you have a partner that is signing up to be abused? Have a meta that’s a crackhead thief and steals your shit? Why is your partner with a crackhead? Have a meta that your partner goes out with to gamble away your mortgage money? Why is your partner ok with gambling away your mortgage money? The issue always circles back to your partner.

And most of the time, the vetoes aren’t enacted for extreme circumstances such as these which is what people will SAY they have them for but what they actually USE them for is to keep themselves from feeling too threatened by a partner’s partner. They will cite all these arbitrary reasons for enacting the veto that really just boil down to “I’m worried that this person/relationship is eclipsing me/my relationship with my partner.”

Also, do ALL of your partners get veto power or is it just the one that you live with/are married to/is primary? Because that is blatantly unfair. And I learned from PERSONAL experience that wonky shit happens when you try to keep two people apart that have a connection to each other. Like yeah, your partner may agree and break up with the person but I can guarantee you they will resent the fuck outta your ass and will take some time to get past that if they ever do.

You also have to keep in mind that it ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So just remember your staunch support of the veto when they are shooting down your folks, too.

Folks be having vetoes on the low any way. They may not outright say they have a veto because that’s a taboo word in Polywood but they may make their partner’s life with another partner so fucking miserable that they feel like they have no other choice but to end things.

Partner Passport

Polyam Peeps! There’s a phenomenon I have to watch out for within myself that I like to call a “partner passport” or “partner Pokémon” (gotta catch ‘em all). It’s where you move through non-monogamy collecting partner experiences or “stamps” for all the different types of partners you’ve visited. So you gotta get your “black” stamp, your “lesbian” stamp, your “stud/MOC” stamp, your “Asian” stamp, etc. There’s nothing wrong with finding a particular demographic of person desirable but engaging someone based on the sole reason that they are one thing or another reduces them to a singular part of their identity instead of treating them like a whole ass complex human being. It objectifies and fetishizes them. I have to make sure I’m outchea treating folks like whole human beings same like I want to be treated.

This was a comment I made on an article I saw posted about the subject of “Comperson”:

“Voice of dissent here. I have been non-mono/polyamorous for six years. I RARELY feel compersion. It is wonderful for those that do so and there are people that naturally experience compersion and those that have worked to cultivate that feeling within themselves. Does compersion make polyamory easier? Maybe….but what I have noticed in my travels within this community is the elevation of this emotion and the elevation of people that are able to feel it as "better” at polyamory or “more evolved” for being able to feel it, while those that struggle to feel it or don’t feel it all are seen as “less poly” or made to feel bad about themselves or DO feel bad about themselves for not experiencing it. So yes, wonderful if you feel compersion. That’s a great benefit of polyamory for you. But it is ABSOLUTELY ok if you don’t feel it, feel it mildly, or NEVER experience it. It is not the “secret ingredient to polyamorous relationships”. It’s just an emotion. You can still have healthy, positive, successful polyamorous relationships with no compersion in sight.“

A Revolving Door of Partners

One of the things you hear from people in discussions surrounding telling children about being polyamorous and having them interact with partners is that they don’t want to introduce their kids to a “revolving door” of partners. My take on that is that people coming in and out of your life is part of the human experience. Your children will have teachers that come in and out of their lives, neighbors, classmates, friends. That’s a normal occurrence.

I also think it’s good for children to see a model that says not all romantic relationships are for forever. Very few people marry the first person they date. I think it’s healthy for children to see people letting go of relationships when they are no longer working for a person and to also see people transitioning from romantic partners to friends. I think it sets them up to have healthy attachments to people and to deal with the emotions that come from losing a person in your life that has significance to you for one reason or another.

I think this concern has to do with the fact that we conflate romantic partnerships with parenting. There’s this subconscious expectation that if you are romantically connected to a person and they have children and you interact with those kids, you will do so in a parenting role. I don’t expect my children to relate to my partners as “other” parent figures. I expect my children to see my partners as just that, my partners. They are free to have their own relationships with them or no relationship at all if they don’t wish to.

He didn’t like my sheets. We spent a long weekend on them and they kept popping off the corners when we “made love.”

“Making love.” That’s certainly what he considered it. An hour of torso twisting, hip wrenching, back bending, flesh grabbing, body claiming rapid fire is how I considered it. Once in a blue moon that kind of “lovemaking” is exciting. Seven times in three days is exhausting and demoralizing. Am I a partner or an object?

The first time we met I was honest with him upfront. I am clearly, intentionally, and openly not monogamous. There is another person in my life…and in my bed. Monogamy was not in the cards. He had questions; he was curious, but said he was not opposed to my lifestyle.

We explored resources together so he could understand more. He said he was not uncomfortable when I mentioned the other person who captured my heart. That person was an important part of my life.

Yet, he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets. That popped off on the corners when we “made love.”

I was open about my time boundaries. Longer dates a few times a month. Maybe drinks for an hour here and there after work.

The first time I saw the other person in my life after we made love, he seemed apprehensive but mostly nonplussed.

My other person and I were unable to see each other for some time. Our schedules didn’t mesh. He, who didn’t like my sheets, worked his way in. First drinks after work once a week plus longer dates on the weekend. Then “Let’s take a trip together.” Then video chats a few evenings a week while I was holed up in my room, hiding from the teenager with whom I shared my residence, but not my personal life.

And he became adamant he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers. That popped off on the corners when we “made love.”

A few evenings a week became every night. Apprehensive and nonplussed became sullen and angry. An hour once a week became two or three times a week. “Lovemaking” - the exhausting hour of rapid fire - became two hours or three.

He dominated my time. My other person faded into the background as my mental, emotional, and physical energy was robbed from me. I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in anxiety and weariness and grief. Drowning in sorrow and depression and isolation. Drowning in ownership.

All along he maintained he didn’t like my sheets. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers who never complained about my sheets. That popped off the corners when we “made love.”

After a long weekend he drove one way to his home. I drove another to my work. I was bruised and sore and aching from “lovemaking.” My body was tense and tight from mental stress. My soul was weary from trying to keep my head above water. As I watched his car disappear from my rear view mirror, I exhaled for the first time in three days. A long deep sigh releasing all the emotions trapped inside.

I then released him. Let him go back into the void from which he came. He cried. He raged. He threatened. He bargained. I held my ground.

That night, I put those sheets on my bed. The soft, worn, well used grey and cream striped sheets that had seen other lovers who never complained about my sheets and he would never see again. That popped off the corners when we “made love.” I slept. I slept deeply. I slept as though I hadn’t slept in years.

When I woke I purged my home of his scent. I disposed of gifts. I removed myself from his social media. I reconnected with my other person, the one who did like my sheets. We made love. (Without the quotes).

And I bought myself new sheets. That will gradually become soft, worn, well used teal sheets that will see other lovers who will never complain about my sheets and he will never see. They will pop off corners when we make love.

And these people will love my sheets.