I feel as though a large amount of sadness resides within me.. In a way that seems difficult to grasp. It seems to take refuge within the internal confines and crevices… so much so that the intermingling of two bodies—the metaphysical exchange of pleasure, specifically what exists beyond skin-to-skin and pelvis to pelvis contact—allows for an individual to dip into the pool of my vulnerabilities and reach out to me. The leverage one has… to wield the power of healing or corruption— and the jolt experienced from your touch against my skin causes the transcendental silhouette of my being to become water as it returns back to the very pool in which we both stand. To become one with the sadness around me and disguise myself from being captured, warding off others with the unbearable salinity of my tears, yet I am still vulnerable nonetheless. You can take a sip and I will heal you still, though I can flush you out until all you can witness are the waterfalls within my eyes that pool and gently trickle down my cheeks.

Maileta /// the well within me

In darkness,

I would unravel my skin

Like soiled bandages

To remove the moments prior.

In daylight,

I would be painfully naked

Like boiled flesh

To replace the moments after,

With a darker complexion.

Yet, a lighter expression;

Closed eyes

And a pained smile.

Maileta /// いたい。

It seems as though

The intimacy I long for dearly

Will come at a price.

The sweetness between pretty legs

In exchange

For the fulfillment

Of that empty space

Beside me.

Maileta /// quid pro quo, it seems

Can physical attraction

Breed anything good?

Besides concupiscence?

Maileta /// unrequited lechery

mail-time1369:

I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

The message will just read “opened”

Another door closed, I suppose.

Maileta /// can’t be helped

I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

The message will just read “opened”

Another door closed, I suppose.

Maileta /// can’t be helped

“The attachment is just scary. I don’t really know how to deal with it well. There’s always the yearning for something that’s beyond your control. It makes you seem power-hungry when you’re really just struggling to fill a bottomless pit. You aren’t a dependent being, but the relationship creates it for you—almost in a way that tests your ability to survive.. I just know that you’ll need an anchor to stay afloat and to find your stability so you don’t find yourself being drowned by the reflection of your own hands..”

Maileta /// how to find middle ground

“If it isn’t lust, then prove it.

If it is, do nothing.

Simple.”

Maileta /// my ultimatum

Low Man on the Ladder

Finna drop some Polyam knowledge on y'all. There is a phenomenon I have observed that I like to call “Low Man on the Ladder”. It’s the concept of last one hired, first one fired. How this plays out is like this:

Say you are dating someone with two partners in addition to you and they had those partners when you met them. You have no issue with those partners and feel little jealousy when your partner interacts with them. Then your partner starts dating someone new and you find yourself losing your shit about it. What’s wrong? You fully accept their relationships with their other partners. Why can’t you seem to accept this budding new relationship?

I believe it’s because you are the last partner they acquired so that means that one, you have been around for the least amount of time and there’s a security that comes with length of time, and two, you partner has demonstrated that they can have these other connections and you already so their existing relationships don’t feel like a threat to you because they had them when your formed YOUR relationship with your partner. There is no precedent, however, that this new person won’t have an adverse affect on your relationship with your partner; that your partner can hold the older relationships and yours and this new one at the same time. And since you are the “last one hired” you become scared that you’ll be the “first one fired” if it becomes too much to handle for your partner.

How do you deal with this? Believe your partner values their connection with you regardless of the new shiny relationship. They are still choosing you in addition to this person. What if they don’t and the new person does “push me out”? That does happen, not gonna lie….but don’t you want someone that WANTS you. Like for real. Someone that no one could make them “push you out”. If that happens, the new person did you a favor. Will it hurt? Yes. Will you be better off because it will free up the space for you to have someone that is worthy of you? Also yes.

And if I can take it a step further, chances are that your partner is just as scared that this new person will make YOU want to leave THEM because you can’t handle their new love but folks don’t be ready for that level of compassion.

*Edited to be more culturally aware*

“Babe, What If We Try an Open Relationship?”

Finna drop a jewel on y’all monogamous folks that are polyam curious or interested, know this: Once you introduce the concept of non-monogamy in any form to a relationship, that relationship is irrevocably changed from that point forward whether you both decide to pursue it or not. Be ready.

Hey, y’all. Friendly reminder that I’m HSV-2 positive and we need to change the language surrounding STI’s from “clean” and “dirty” to something less stigmatizing. You aren’t “clean” if you don’t have an STI, you just don’t have any STIs. You aren’t “dirty” if you do, you just have a diagnosis. Erase the stigma so we can have OPEN, HONEST, SAFE, ENCOURAGING conversations about STIs. #IAmNotMySTI

Amazon.com: Watch Poly Love | Prime Video

I participated in a documentary about my first polyamorous relationship a few years ago. Just found out it will be screened for Pride in Madrid. Check it out.

I don’t even OFFER triad advice because the whole thing makes my ass itch and I’m IN a triad but I’m getting so sick of the foolishness I see, I’m feeling benevolent enough today to drop a jewel on y’all. Must be these morning meditation sessions I’ve been getting in, lately.

Anyhoo, the reason why triads are so hard is because they are FOUR relationships in one and they EACH have to be cultivated and maintained to keep the triad healthy. There’s the relationship between A + B, B + C, A + C, and then A + B + C. They ALL have to be nurtured. So yes, ladies (or men on non-binary person), your husband (or wife, or partner) needs to have individual time with whatever lady (or man on non-binary person) you’re pursuing. If they can only relate to you as a couple, the individual relationships will not flourish and more than likely, your triad will soon be defunct.

Jealous of Your Jealousy

Someone asked a question in one of the polyamory groups I’m in that I thought was a good one and something that people don’t often bring up. They asked if anyone has ever felt jealous of their partner’s jealousy in their OTHER relationships. Example: Kevin (husband) almost never gets jealous with me so if he expressed feeling jealous of something happening with Roselyn (his partner of almost two years), that expression of jealousy over her would make ME feel jealous that he experiences jealousy with her but not me. This is actually quite common. This was my response and I thought it was useful so I’m sharing it here:

“The feeling is why are you jealous about HER but not about ME. It made me feel like he loved her more because the jealousy he felt was an indicator that he’s afraid to lose that relationship whereas his lack of jealousy with me felt like he didn’t care what happened to his relationship with me so consequently she must be more important to him. What I came to realize is that his lack of jealousy with me isn’t that he cared less but that he felt more secure about the solidity of our relationship. He is confident that I’m not going anywhere. We’ve been together through thick and thin for fifteen years. With a newer person, that security just isn’t there so a new relationship with someone else felt threatening to him. So in a way, it’s a good thing that he doesn’t feel jealousy with me because it means that I’m doing my job being a good partner to him and he feels secure. But that reframe took time to realize and I still internally do wish he’d sometimes get jealous when I do things, too. I will say that even in his other relationships, he really doesn’t get jealous often. He’s just not a jealous person.”

Home | Black Poly Pride 2019: Dallas, TX

Kevin (husband) is away for the weekend for a first visit with one of his LDRs. We usually check in with each other just to see how things are going. He shared something with me that caused me to have a poly lightning bolt moment. I still haven’t fully articulated it to myself so I’m just winging it here. Kevin is a loner. He has very few friends and keeps his people interaction to a minimum. Truthfully, I’ve been his sole relationship of substance for a long time. One thing I know about interacting with other people is that they bring things out of you and that is crucial to developing yourself. Kevin and I have been together for fifteen years. The situations we find ourselves in are largely routine. While we do learn new things about one another and develop each other, it’s different with other people that we’re with. Seeing this in that moment helped me shed a little more of the discomfort I experience with him interacting with other people. It’s not about me. It’s about him and him becoming his own person.

What to do When Your Partner is on a Date?

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

5. Don’t blow up your partner’s phone while they are on a date. That’s inconsiderate to the person they are on a date with and them. If there’s an emergency, of course reach out but if it can wait, wait. If you are struggling through some feelings and need to share that, write it down and share it with them when they return. Try to give them the space to enjoy themselves.

For the people that experience more “emotions” in polyamory. Yes, your emotions are valid and yes, you have every right to bring them to your partners and want them to care about your feelings, however, YOUR work is to bring your emotions up WELL.

As a person who has large emotions herself, it is very possible to bring up your emotions in such a dramatic, caustic, volatile way that it makes it impossible for your partner to get anywhere near them to be able to help with them.

It is possible to bring them up in such a way to where you are making your partner RESPONSIBLE for them. It is possible to bring them up in such a way that you are insinuating or even accusing your partner of being “wrong” for what they are doing or that they should feel guilty about what they are doing or that they don’t love or care about you because of what they are doing. It is possible to have emotions that are SO large and difficult for your partner to deal with them that they instead choose to navigate polyamory in all these weird ass ways so as to not have to deal with the hurricane that is your emotions. SO! From one hurricane to another, some tips:

Cool down. If you are really triggered, take a step back for a bit and don’t try to engage in the middle of an emotional storm. It’s ok to say “I’m really upset about this and I need a minute before I talk about it.”

If your partner has not broken any agreements between you, THEY ARE NOT WRONG FOR WHAT THEY DID. You might not LIKE it, but they aren’t WRONG. Try to remember that.

If they DID break an agreement, examine that. Was it that they broke it or was it vague enough to be loosely interpreted? Was it reasonable? Did they WANT to agree to it or did they just concede to it because you were upset about the issue at hand?

Assess what is REALLY bothering you first. Are you REALLY upset that your partner went to see a horror film with their other partner or are you upset because horror films are something that they enjoy that you don’t and that makes you feel threatened? Often times, it’s not the initial trigger but what’s underneath it. Dig a little deeper and if you can, it’s best to do that on your own AWAY from your partner.

Is it jealousy that you are feeling, is it envy, or is it a mixture of both? Those two feel similar but are two distinct emotions and have distinct solutions to them. Learn to differentiate between the two.

Try to maintain a reasonable timeline for discussing issues and also be mindful of your partner’s bandwith for emotional discussions. I used to drag shit out for DAYS sometimes on end. It was too much. There is such a thing as talking TOO much about an issue. At some point, you have to make a choice to do something about it or let it go.

Work on yourself and how you show up in polyamory. And honestly this one ain’t gonna be nothing nice but I don’t care. At some point, the shit should get easier. I’m not saying that feelings should go away because mine still haven’t but they do get easier. If it’s not, why? Is it that you really just don’t need to be living non-monogamously? Is it that the way you and your partner conduct non-monogamy is incompatible and you may need to determine if you can continue to do this together? Is it that you are still holding on to monogamous mindsets that you haven’t rooted out? Only you can answer that for yourself but expecting your partners to go on this consistent roller coaster of emotions EVERY time for some shit that y'all BOTH signed up to do is unfair.

Your partners also need love and compassion in the midst of your emotions and it can be very easy to be self-centered when we are going through things emotionally in polyamory. They can become scared, too. Scared that you will be so upset about what they are doing with someone else that you decide to end things or change things with them and now they have to choose not to lose you or to lose the other person. If you can, let them know that while you don’t love what they are doing, you love THEM and that you are struggling to reconcile the two concepts.

Be vulnerable. It may sound silly to say, “I’m scared that I’m going to lose you to this new person. Can you remind me that you still find me desirable/attractive/loveable?” but that’s usually exactly what you need. IF YOU HAVE A DECENT PARTNER, they should be more than willing to offer you the assurance that you need.

Resist the urge to be petty, sharp, rude, sarcastic, unkind with your words and when you are, own it and apologize. Your partner will be more inclined to want to help you if they are not dodging blows to get close to you in the first place. Take it from me. I am sharp as hell when I’m hurt. It makes it hard to absorb what a person is saying if the delivery was intending to be offensive and incendiary.

This is a lot, I know, but these are just some of the things that I did and can STILL do on occasion and they were counter productive to helping my partners and helping myself.

Hey, guys…….

I honestly feel like dudes want big dicks to impress other dudes because many of the women (and persons with vulvas) I talk to prefer average sized penises, actively avoid larger penises, and rarely orgasm from penetration. I also think men think that if they have a large penis, then that’s all they need and they don’t have to hone OTHER skills that makes sex pleasurable for women (and persons with vulvas). So a couple of things:

Don’t be a one-trick pony. Just having a large penis isn’t going to cut it. Plus each vulva is like a puzzle. They respond differently to different stimulus. So learn to use your fingers, your mouth, get over your egos and invest in some toys. Have a well rounded repertoire of ways to please.

Being comfortable with your body and accepting what you have to work with goes a long way to helping you have confidence in bed.

Not all of us want you to last forever. There IS such a thing as taking too long and I personally don’t like being pounded non-stop for an indefinite period of time. Switch it up. Foreplay is your friend.

Porn is NOT a good resource for learning how to get better at sex. It’s largely based on men’s fantasies about sex and not the realities of sex. Use it to get off if you must but I wouldn’t emulate it.

The G-Spot is generally only about two to three inches into the vaginal canal. It is NOT located where the cervix is. Hitting the cervix may feel good for YOU but it may not feel good for your partner. There are some vulvas that LOVE cervical stimulation, however, so it’s good to ask. Another note is that cervical position fluctuates throughout the month so there may be times where you can go a little deeper and times where you have to stay a little shallower. Pay attention.

Now get out there and start GIVING pleasurable sex not just HAVING pleasurable sex. The more you know. Thank you for “cumming” to my TED Talk.

*Edited to be more trans-inclusive. Not at persons with vulvas are women*

“He Only Wants Her For Sex”

So I may not articulate this well but I’ll try. There is something I have noticed in my polyam journey in relationships comprised of a man and a woman that date separately. The woman may be dating and her husband/nesting or “primary” partner will feel a way if she is engaging a man that he feels “only wants her for sex”. Often times, this comes from a place of love and protection, I get. They don’t want to see their partners hurt by fuck boys. They see immense value in their partner and want others to see that, too. I often imagine, too, that for men, watching your woman partner date men can be a whole new way to see the bullshit that women deal with from men.

The trap is that this can have a undertone of being paternalistic to your partner. Your woman partners are adults and capable of making their own choices about whom they engage. One of the hardest things to deal with in non-monogamy is letting your partners learn their own lessons when it comes to dating and relating.

I also think that sometimes….and this one might smart a bit…..it has an air of “I didn’t treat her like that. I valued her and saw her as more than just sex and here this dude comes along and just gets to fuck her without dealing with all the other stuff that I deal with.” It’s a little judgmental. Like, yeah, you can feel a way about dude for just wanting your lady for sex but if you’re a “good dude” who doesn’t treat women like that, what does it matter if there are other men that do? You being good is about you and not them. And she may WANT just sex from him. That may be ok for her. I think sometimes that it can result in you subconsciously devaluing your partner a little if you are not careful. The ills of slut-shaming misogyny are deep-rooted and not always visible to the naked eye within ourselves.

Remember, you have the relationship that you CHOSE to have with your partner. If you wanted just sex from her, you could have asked for that. If you saw more “value” in her, then that’s what you wanted. Focus on what YOU want to have with her and let her deal with what she wants to have with others.

I hope this isn’t harsh because it’s not intended to be. It’s just something I have noticed considerably and wanted to highlight. Just like I hear women say “It’s not fair that I have to wash his socks and pick his pants up off the floor meanwhile his other partners get to just enjoy him.”, I feel like this is the other side of that.

On Veto Power

The subject of “Veto Power” came up in one of the polyam groups that I’m in. For those of you that don’t know what a “veto” is in polyamory, it’s when you give your partner (usually a spouse/nested partner/“primary” partner) the right to “veto” your other relationships or tell you to end things with someone that you are seeing/in a relationship with.

We don’t have veto power in our marriage and never have. I also wouldn’t knowingly sign up for a relationship where I could potentially be subject to one. I have mixed feelings about vetoes, personally. I understand why people feel the need to have them but to me, they are superfluous. I just don’t get the method that states that I am going to deal with an issue I am having with my partner and their choices by getting rid of the other partner.

Like say your partner has a partner that is abusing them. Your issue isn’t your meta; it’s your partner. Why do you have a partner that is signing up to be abused? Have a meta that’s a crackhead thief and steals your shit? Why is your partner with a crackhead? Have a meta that your partner goes out with to gamble away your mortgage money? Why is your partner ok with gambling away your mortgage money? The issue always circles back to your partner.

And most of the time, the vetoes aren’t enacted for extreme circumstances such as these which is what people will SAY they have them for but what they actually USE them for is to keep themselves from feeling too threatened by a partner’s partner. They will cite all these arbitrary reasons for enacting the veto that really just boil down to “I’m worried that this person/relationship is eclipsing me/my relationship with my partner.”

Also, do ALL of your partners get veto power or is it just the one that you live with/are married to/is primary? Because that is blatantly unfair. And I learned from PERSONAL experience that wonky shit happens when you try to keep two people apart that have a connection to each other. Like yeah, your partner may agree and break up with the person but I can guarantee you they will resent the fuck outta your ass and will take some time to get past that if they ever do.

You also have to keep in mind that it ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So just remember your staunch support of the veto when they are shooting down your folks, too.

Folks be having vetoes on the low any way. They may not outright say they have a veto because that’s a taboo word in Polywood but they may make their partner’s life with another partner so fucking miserable that they feel like they have no other choice but to end things.

Partner Passport

Polyam Peeps! There’s a phenomenon I have to watch out for within myself that I like to call a “partner passport” or “partner Pokémon” (gotta catch ‘em all). It’s where you move through non-monogamy collecting partner experiences or “stamps” for all the different types of partners you’ve visited. So you gotta get your “black” stamp, your “lesbian” stamp, your “stud/MOC” stamp, your “Asian” stamp, etc. There’s nothing wrong with finding a particular demographic of person desirable but engaging someone based on the sole reason that they are one thing or another reduces them to a singular part of their identity instead of treating them like a whole ass complex human being. It objectifies and fetishizes them. I have to make sure I’m outchea treating folks like whole human beings same like I want to be treated.