#metronome apology

     I’m sorry that I always seem to dominate the conversation with all my fears and all my tears, as if I can’t find the time to let them go at any other time. I’m sorry that it seems like you only ever get to see me when I’m like that. I’m sorry that I overcompensate and accidentally suffocate despite my best efforts not to entangle and complicate. I’m sorry that we got stuck staring at each other across a square table spewing the same words that we’ve spewed for some time now, instead of working side by side on some project either one of us could have dreamed up. I’m sorry that conversations always seem to go south and I’m not fun to talk to lately; I know that wears on you and only pushes you farther from what I say that I want. I’m sorry that I overthink all the tiniest things and calculate the damage I could do, and I’m not more free-spirited around you like I am with everyone else. I’m sorry I’m not the friend that you deserve yet and that I’m always so caught up in my own head. I’m still trying to figure out how to fix that and so much more. And I’m sorry I’m apologizing now in a series of apologies instead of just making changes in my actions, but I won’t give up because I know I can do better, and you’ll never have to see me like that again.

~A.G. 11/13/19