#mewriting

Note to self: do not ever get in the middle of someone else’s fight. If they come to you or share feelings with you, tell them they are responsible to tell the person it is about. Keep it to yourself and let them handle it.

You are not involved, unless your name is mentioned during part of the dilemma.

Do not engage and do not keep secrets.

She walked along the path and found the river. Her eyes grew wide as she ran forward, unthinking with thrill for what was before her.

She came to the edge at a sudden stop, and breathed in deep – the type of breath where you fill your chest close to bursting. She released her breath and realized… she felt as if she was coming home.

He came to her side and slid his hand into hers, wrapping his fingers around her own until they were perfectly entwined. She hoped he could feel her excitement pulsing through her fingertips, and that it would influence him to feel what she felt; the perfection of nature’s beauty and rhythm.

Slowly their eyes met, and he leaned down to kiss her forehead, afterwards pulling her close to his side for a hug. Her doubts fell away.

As they turned their eyes to the scene, she noticed that despite her heart racing, she felt calm. Because by his side, and by her river, she was invincible.

My 2022 bucketlist:

- go to a concert (I’m going to two!!)

- go to a garden, in a dress, and be cute

- go to the beach (tentative and set plans!)

- go to an amusement park

- ren faire, in a cuuute costume!

- dye my hair again (deep brown or orange-red)

- spend more time outside and enjoy the surroundings

- more time with friends and family, doing things I want to do

Seeking help isn’t a bad thing - remember that.

You can cope and you can find happiness in many things, but help is there for a reason. To lift you up.

Lean on others, seek professional assistance where it’s needed or wanted, and experience the beauty of relying and trusting others to help you.

Your health is more important than your pride.

Happy Things

• Flowers and trees
• Water. Taking a shower, a bath, swimming, or listening to its movement
• Stickers and pens
• High heels and dresses
• Romantic books and movies
• In order: Paul, Joshua Hong, Jihyo Park, and Nayeon Im
• Speaking with people who understand me: my friends
• Movement. Walking, dancing, jumping, running, and biking
• Cooking and baking. From the simplest bruschetta to cakes and ice creams

People talk about how, as you get older, you start to see different sides of your parents and family members…. I didn’t think it’d be this drastic. So much black-and-white thinking; so many issues in expressing and resolving emotions; so much co-dependence and blame.

Obviously, all people are human and prone to flaws (myself included in all of this – I don’t excuse myself whatsoever). But it’s strange to watch my family go through it. In a sense, I feel lucky because I’m seeing it now and not 20 years from now, and have the distance to cope and process a lot better than I would if I were in close physical proximity. In another sense, I feel like the future is really unclear, and that’s kind of scary.

The future was already muddy when my sisters pulled away, and when my brother and I went from kind of becoming friends to pulling away again, and when my parents just…sat in the moment and kept avoiding seeing reality. Now reality is smacking everyone in the face and it’s hard to see what comes next, when the plan had always been – according to my parents – “us 6, always and forever.” Next door neighbors, lots of grandbabies, and no conflict.

I think my siblings and I all knew that my parents wouldn’t get what they wanted, but we didn’t have the heart to tell them. Jon never wanted to deal with the family expectations or drama, Anna’s sexual orientation was in the shadows for so long, Abby wanted to live a nomadic life, and I’ve sat here people-pleasing and trying to make it all perfect when it can’t be – that just isn’t how relationships or people work.

That’s the biggest take-away – more than what anyone is feeling or thinking. I feel as though I need to take this weight off of my shoulders to comfort others in their emotions, hide my emotions, or try to make everything happy or conflict-free. I need to face emotions head-on.

The world is full of emotion. We think of something, and then we feel something about that thought. We further deconstruct it with logic and reasoning, but it’s all backed by emotion and values. And I can focus on putting effort into someone else’s team, or I can put effort into mine and make room for compromise where it makes sense for each party involved.

Jon wants to live in Iowa. My mom wants to keep her support system, her family, close. My dad…I don’t know what he wants, but I don’t think he does either. As for Abby and Anna, I hope they find what they want too – and truthfully, I think that they mostly want peace of mind in living for their own destiny. They want support and love and to have good times and less drama. Maybe we all want that but don’t know how.

Regardless, I am hoping for healing, and for laughter and good times to return to my family. We don’t have to be us 6, always and forever, next-door to one another… but we can be us 6, plus loved ones, plus messes and chaos, plus differences and battles, plus distance…all leading back to a deep love for family and togetherness. That’s what I hope for. Us 6, living for our own happiness and supporting each other’s happiness.

Slow down and enjoy the moment

Enjoy the clothes you’re wearing; the colors, the fabrics, the stitching… and remember that even the most basic things hold beauty

Enjoy your smile, your laugh, and your eyes, for all the things they see and express

Enjoy your feet and your legs, and how far they take you

Enjoy your hands and your arms, and what they can hold and create

Enjoy speaking and listening, and the ideas, jokes, and emotion they can create space for

Enjoy new experiences with people you don’t know too well yet

Enjoy people you know well

Have an open heart and an open mind

And just don’t rush life away too quickly

Life is happening now, and it’s a beautiful mess of a thing

Enjoy living.

I did it.

I left the job that treated me wrong, and stood up for myself and presented with kindness and dignity as I did.

I commuted to the big city, I worked in a skyscraper and made office chit chat.

Now, I have the job I want. Remote, pay, benefits, kindness, progression and acceptance….

I did it.

The homeschooled little girl would be so proud. I have friends, a husband, a spine, and a job that does me well and will challenge me well.

I did it.

Nearly 6 years later…the vision is coming together, piece by piece.

I did it for you, Becca Jane. And I’ll keep doing it for you.

Remember to make yourself happy.

Write poetry, dance, see a counselor, meet up with friends, go see plants and new places.

Dress up or down. Be yourself. Have fun.

In the end, their opinion doesn’t matter. I am me.

If you only keep people involved in your life when its good or when its bad, you’re missing the point of human connection.

Its to be there through the good and the bad. To share in the journey of life together, regardless of where each of us stands.

We can offer congratulations, we can offer support, and we can offer comfort through it all.

Thats a large part of what makes life beautiful, in my opinion. Having a connected, loyal tribe to lean into.

Who cares what your house looks like?

If it keeps you warm and keeps you, your loved ones, and your things safe, it’s a good house.

Who cares what your job is?

If it pays the bills, gets you where you want to be most times, and doesn’t make you miserable, that’s more than most can ask for.

Who cares what your body looks like?

If it takes you places you want to be and allows you to spend time with the people you love, that’s a blessing.

Who cares what your interests or opinions are?

At the end of the day, we’re all a little bit right and a little bit wrong and mostly just looking for meaning. And we’re all trying to find things that bring more joy into our lives. So long as nobody is getting hurt, it doesn’t matter in the long run.

In the digital age, where every little thing is picked apart whether you like it or not, and you’re told to care about everything, decide what is truly worth caring about and spending time thinking about.

I’d rather be doing, breathing, and enjoying my loved ones while I have them.

I am not a victim. No person can harm me without my consent.

When I was 6 and my grandmother tried to shame me for eating snacks outside of the kitchen, I told her not to worry about me and carried on.

I’m 23 and I’ve decided I want to do what I want, tell others not to worry, and to carry on.

I am capable, can make decisions, and can handle the burdens I choose for myself just fine.

Had a tornado warning today. Scary, but made space for me to have time while awake to think.

I’m going to utilize Jack Canfield and his methods to self actualize again.

I feel like I’m starting to face the right direction again.

A local from my hometown, who I took dance classes with for years, became Miss New Jersey this year, after years of going to college and working and entering competition after competition.

You hear about success stories, and you hear about how they worked, but I passively saw this girl *work* for it. She had that dream from when I was in middle school, and was able to get a job in journalism while competing for Miss New Jersey. And did it.

It goes to show that you can achieve and you don’t have to limit yourself or your feminine facets of who you are. That determination and confidence goes a long way.

So,

I’m confronting fears. I’m embracing who I am, who I want to be, and who I am capable of becoming.

I’m asking for help and remembering all I am capable of and not letting myself stop myself.

I can and I will be.

How many times did the world begin again?

How many times must the world reapeat?

How many times will I watch you die?

I was becoming tired of the endless cycle.

Yet I cling to that endless cycle.

Drowsiness came over me…

~Finally~

The sky turned white.

Everything except the ground disappeared.

And the world was filled with memories.

Memories of the world.

Memories of everyone that existed.

One memory caught my eye, it was one of my own.

It showed the days when we were young.

We were always together.

But who were you?

I remember you yet I didn’t remember you.

Eyes filled with determination.

Eyes filled with fascination.

You were like a leaf in the water.

You were like a fire in the wind.

A elegant shade of blue,

A fierce shade of red,

A mysterious shade of black,

And a calming shade of brown.

I loved every color of you.

I did?

Did you hate me?

Or

Did you love me too?

Ahhh.

I don’t know anymore.

Tell me.

Please tell me.

But wait.

Where are you?

Oh right.

I remember.

You left me.

~I’m going to see you again~

The ground disappeared then I fell.

And I continued to fall.

I passed through each memory of us.

Yet I couldn’t figure you out.

You loved the world so much you were willing to die.

~You gave yourself up for a world that was going to end anyway.~

I hated that part of you.

Yet I loved every part of you.

I didn’t want to lose you.

Yet I did lose you.

~Let’s meet again~

The sky turned black.

Each memory started to wither.

“Deleting” a voice said.

And then the world ended.

Just like always.

I would meet you again.

Then I would forget you again.

But that came after being with you again.

I would hear a voice.

And it would say: “New game”

Then we will finally meet.

…

…

…

It’s taking too long.

Why is it still dark?

I don’t like it dark.

Hurry up.

…

…

Hurry uP AND START!

START!

…

Why ? Why isn’t it starting?

…

I.

I need to meet that person.

Please.

…

And so the world stayed like that for 3 long years.

When I woke up.

I was standing there.

In a familiar place I knew.

“I challenge you” a boy called out to me.

That boy.

He reminds me of someone.

Someone I know.

Surely I’ll meet you here too.

In this new world.