#notetoself

Note to self: do not ever get in the middle of someone else’s fight. If they come to you or share feelings with you, tell them they are responsible to tell the person it is about. Keep it to yourself and let them handle it.

You are not involved, unless your name is mentioned during part of the dilemma.

Do not engage and do not keep secrets.

rarestsparkle:

Your biggest challenge is to show up when your mind is making the best excuses.

brightwanderer:

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

Darling, I know you have had many tough days and plenty of long nights. You have been hurt, confused, and lost, too. I know it feels like there’s no where to go and no one to run too. And, perhaps you’re right. However, being alone isn’t always a bad thing. It’s alone in the darkest places where all of the miracles happen! So, take a breath. Breathe for a minute. Take a look around you. You see the place your in and the conditions you’re enduring through? Beloved, all of that is going to change in due time. There will be no more dark days. No more cold nights. No more torture and torment. You don’t deserve that. No one does. Not from yourself or others. Not to yourself or others! You got to believe that. This is no way to live and you were never meant to endure through so much agony, despair, or hellish conditions. And, I’m telling you…it’s all going to get better. Every day will be a bit brighter. Every moment will hold great meaning. Each breath will have a reason to remind you that you are alive and well. You will feel powerful. You will be untouchable again. Your mind will be at ease. Your heart will begin to beat to the rhythm of it’s own drumming. Your voice will be used and elevated to volumes most haven’t even used. Your actions will impact the world and your reactions will change lives. You will rise again. You will stand upon your feet, grounded. You will step into position, rooted in your identity and truth. You will step up to every obstacle, every problem, every situation and circumstance - ready to find a solution and put a end to whatever challenge you may face. Yes, you might shed tears. Yes, you might shake. Yes, you might sweat. Yes, you might bleed. Yes, you might die. Yes, you might. But, it will all be worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Today, you step out of the shadows and into the light. Today, you become who you are predestined to be and leave behind who you thought you were. Today, the chains of the labels and the opinions of others come off. Today. It’s all happening today! Right now, in this moment. You are free. You are able to walk away and never look back to those former things, ever again. But, only if you want too. No one can force you to want to be saved or healed. That’s a decision you have to make on your own. It starts in your heart, it moves to your mind, and it’s declared out of your mouth. You can do it, if you want too. All you have to do is believe that it is possible and that you’re worth such a change to begin. This is the process. This is the road to recover. This is the journey to being healed.

Most days, I don’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like, no matter what I do or say…it just won’t make sense. People won’t get it. They don’t get me. They never understand. Most of the time, I feel invisible. Not noticed or seen. I fade into the background and dwell amongst the shadows of everyone else surrounding me. My voice is soft and timid. I have no tone. My words are the sweetest whispers only a few who are close to me can hear them. I scream in painful agony, silently. Trying not to burden anyone with my baggage or being. But, sometimes…I need help. I shrink and feel small amongst crowds, so…I try not to take up too much room when I fit into where I belong. Even when cozy and nestled close in my position and role. I still feel alone. I still feel as if I don’t belong. As if, I am unworthy to be in this place. As if, I am undeserving to be where I am. As if, I should be ashamed of being who I am. But, sometimes…I need space. It’s exhausting and I am so tired. I need someone to talk too. I’m tired of changing. Tired of adapting. Tired of pretending. Tired of denying these feelings as if they don’t come from something deeper. I need someone to save me. This is broken. This is dysfunction. This is anger. This is sorrow. This is despair, grief, depression, rage, and confusion. This is a slow painful death to a person I love but, lost so long ago. I need for you to care. This is me. Breaking down to ashes. But, I won’t stay down here too long. I promise. I need to rise up and start over. This is my recovery to freedom…

Darling, I know you try so hard to hold onto your morals. You push yourself to the highest standards and expectations. You try your hardest to do the best for yourself and others you encounter. Yet, even in the midst of all of your hardwork and efforts…things don’t always go as planned or become all that you’ve imagined. It’s okay. Beloved, it’s okay to fail at things that are out of your control. It’s okay to be upset when things don’t go your way and to even react at things that push you pass your breaking point. You are human. You feel everything. You have emotions. And, sometimes…you’re going to act and react to certain situations and outcomes. That doesn’t make you a terrible person. That doesn’t make you a burden to anyone. That doesn’t make you anything less than what you are. You are enough. You are what you’re supposed to be. You’re in the process of becoming and doing what you’re called to do. Yet, everything and everyone in this world isn’t working for you nor against you. They’re all just working. Take a step back and breathe for a moment. I know your high expectations lead you to believe that you are more than capable and able to do extrodinary things - that I don’t disagree with. However, your desire and need to prove yourself and the capacities you stretch to do those things - that scares me. You’re willing to sacrifice yourself on behalf of others but, do you know if they’ll be able to do the same if the tables turn. There is nothing wrong with being a martyr for the right reason but, are you putting yourself in jeopardy for the wrong one? That’s a question you need to ask yourself and truly deal with. Is this really who you naturally are or is this who the world has made you become? Are your comfortable in the way that you are living? Honestly…are you living at all? Because, that’s your main purpose. To live and thrive in the life you’ll create in due time, not just serve and survive until you die.

HOW are you NOT your own biggest fan Amy? 

G’day younger me,

Today I want you to recall the story of the first time you walked hand in hand with someone. And I know that you know of whom I’m talking, because this person will not disappear from your mind for ages.

But anyway, back to the story: Can you remember the exact date of this day? I do not. And it doesn’t even matter at all. It was such a typical day in first middle-school. It was a rather warm day and the sun was shining. You and your classmates were just coming back to school from a getaway, watching a play in the city or something, and another horrible maths class was waiting for you, so you were trying to make your way back as slowly as you could (or as your caretaker allowed you to be). Your best (and only) friend at this time, Laura, was walking beside you and you were chatting about some insignificant middle-school stuff. You felt great, even if the idea of another maths class scared you a bit. Already close to the playground Laura asked curiously if she could try out something with you. You agreed so she asked your caretaker if she could leave you for a moment. And then she did the incredible! She just took your hand and led you over the street as you would be any other “normal” person in the world. “It’s working,“ was the only thing she said and smiled as you. And in this moment it occurred to you that Laura was one of the rare people who are able to see through your disability and observe you as you really are: normal and smart. Hand in hand you two walked the last meters to school. She even managed to lead you over the ramp without leaving your hand for a second. I think you felt like the happiest person in the world and you were perfectly sure that you had found a true friend!

Even with so many years passed by I can tell you that the school year Laura and you spent together was one of the most light-hearted, best and happiest times of your life. But you also know what happened after Laura moved back to Germany. Or maybe you do not already know. So let me tell you:

The deep, deep depression you tumbled in after her leaving was nothing else than the horrible first-time-lovesickness which is always the worst. Yes, darling, you may not have known but you were in love with this girl, who was so open-minded and straight-away.

And I can tell you another thing: It is perfectly alright. It’s perfectly alright not to know who you are. It’s perfectly alright not be sure about your sexuality. And it is also perfectly alright that you discovered this all only a long time after her departure. There will be other occasions to discover even more things and you will meet more people who make you feel as welcome as Laura did, it doesn’t matter if they are male or female. Just take your time and wait for it.

With the deepest affection,

Still-not-sure-and-disabled-but finally-18-year-old-and-right in this-moment-officially-outed Jenny

[We couldn’t wait a week to post again… here’s why! Your creativity is amazing:]

Hey Me,

You are full of story.

You walk around living a couple of lives at once, I think:

You are a brass robot who can run the farthest at the school Jogathon.

You are a collector of Martian treasures in the alley behind your house

You are a princess-fairy swordfighting in secret.

Your dreams involve

green monsters and Winnie-the-Pooh,

robotic rabbits,

doughnuts,

possessed dollhouses,

but you don’t remember much because I swear you dream more when you are awake.

Later,

you will call yourself shy

(not normal).

You’ll forget that it was you who convinced the entire school to play at being your magical creatures at recess.

You’ll forget that you wrote a story in third grade about a flying magic stick of butter,

forget that you in sixth grade wrote a novel with characters names like

Iodine,

Quigley,

Scarecrow,

King Zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba,

and 38051 (I still remember that).

And let me tell you, you are right.

You are notnormal.

The entire school spoke only in words beginning with “b”

and rolled down hills in jackets pulled over their knees

when you called it fun.

You are so far from normal, it is spectacular.

Youare spectacular.

You dream of becoming a writer,

you fall in and out of love with girls and boys,

you play soccer terribly but have a hell of a good time playing it,

eating orange slices on the sidelines during halftime and dripping sticky juice onto your jersey.

Many times you cried only because someone else was crying, and,

embarrassed, made up a reason for the tears.

But don’t be embarrassed.

Your big heart is only going to grow.

Keep your skin thin, and your eyes open,

and let it show when you are hurting.

Because you, remember, are spectacular.

You are spectacular when you daydream,

and when you write stories and myths and poetry and reports on orca whales (your favorite animal).

You are spectacular when you cry for forty-five minutes on the steps at the thought of turning five tomorrow,

and when you read to your sister from The Egg Book to distract her from your dying cat.

You are spectacular.

I want to warn you that the going gets rough soon.

But really, it has always been rough for you,

and you have kept your head above water.

Keep it up there,

even when it seems so much more inviting to stop breathing for a while,

even when you see everyone else laughing on the shore.

Keep dreaming, keep writing,

for you are fierce.

And this is how you will fight through your life,

with brass gears crunching and alien treasures lining your pockets and sword held high.

Because you are spectacular.

Dear Hannah,

                  Hi! It’s Hannah. I’d like to begin by saying pixie cuts are the way to go, friend. I’d only wish we learned that earlier. You lost the braces, too. Thank goodness. They didn’t suit you so well either. Basically, just wait a couple years and you’re going to be one fine looking gal. Only slightly more mature, though. I’ll give that trait another ten years or so to develop.

Not to say that life didn’t throw maturational experiences at you. Because it totally did. Rude. But, you’ve got a lot more determination and resolve than I would have expected out of a kid at your measly age of fourteen. I hear middle school is pretty rough for everyone, and you made it through that with only a few tears shed over balancing chemical equations! A+! Good work! And high school… well let’s just say you’re lucky to have your friends. Friends that you still have, surprisingly. Which reminds me: during our next life, let’s try to turn down the micromanaging, alright?

Not to go all scholarly on you, but I read this article recently where this sociologist named Brené Brown said that “perfectionism is basically a cognitive behavioral process that says if I look perfect, work perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame, ridicule, and criticism. It’s a defense mechanism.” I wish I had someone to tell me that earlier; I wish I had someone to show me that making mistakes and screwing up a bit wouldn’t ruin me. And that all those things you did that are “so embarrassing” and “cringe-worthy” or whatever – dude, like, people don’t even notice that stuff. For the most part, if it’s not about them, they don’t care. Obviously a lot of people are interested in what you have to say, but they’re really not going to think about that one time you… Actually, I don’t even remember what you did. Which proves my point. I’m not going to say “life is about making mistakes” or something that reeks with absolutism, but it’s chill if you mess up every once and awhile. It’s good for you, I think.

You should learn from your mistakes, though. One of the things I regret most is not shaking off internalized prejudices earlier in life. Right now, young Hannah is someone who revels in the fact that she’s “not like other girls.” First of all, gross. Cut that crap while you can, dude. Lose the special snowflake complex while you still have the chance. It’s hard to wrap your head around it, but I’m telling you that by looking down upon other women and girls, you’re really only hurting yourself. It’s tough identifying as a female in this society, but the way to deal with that is not to distance yourself from the only people who know what you’re going through. It’s easy to help yourself up by pushing others down (I sound like our Mom, don’t I? Just wait a few years. The similarities get even more noticeable), but it’s just not the right way to go about things. No more shaming people for the way they dress, or how they talk, or what they do with their lives. Don’t worry about them. Worry about the people who think they can pass judgment on the way another person simply exists.

Overall, you did a pretty solid job. You’re a much better person than you think you are. I mean, I turned out alright, which means you must have done something correctly! Give yourself a pat on the back, but don’t get too excited. You’ve still got the rest of high school and college to contend with.
                  Don’t worry though. There’s a lot to look forward to. And, yes, The Strokes do eventually play a show that you can go to. Thank god.

Love,

Hannah

Thank you so much for being with us! I have scrolled over each and every one of your names and mentally said hello. We are excited to announce that we have already received many letters! Starting next Monday, we will be posting one letter a week on the blog! I am so happy to be starting this amazing project with all of you.

In kindness,

Julia