#mshenko fic
The first time it happens, Kaidan wakes up to find Shepard sitting at the side of the bed, shoulders hunched, contours of his body bathed in sweat, trembling so violent and hard Kaidan thinks he might fly apart.
“Shepard?” he says in alarm.
“I can’t breathe,” Shepard wheezes, nails raking the back of his neck for a helmet that isn’t there. “God, I can’t breathe.”
Starlight gleams through the shutters.
~
What is it like to remember dying?
It’s something Kaidan never thought about before this. Before them.But now he notices how Shepard never looks up, never lets his gaze stray to the canopy of stars in his quarters.
When Kaidan thinks of Alchera he thinks of snow, billowing flakes washing out his vision as he trudges between escape pods searching for survivors, wind eroding the imprints of his boots until no trace of his passing remains.
When Shepard thinks of Alchera he thinks of stars.
Stars that never fade.
~
The massive geth dreadnaught is tiny against the surrounding net of stars.
Kaidan listens to Shepard breathe, harsh and hollow over the comm. Through the camera mounted on his helmet Kaidan can see the floating exudate, gaseous clouds of dust and metal particulates from the ruined docking tube.
Shepard’s heart rate spikes. Condensation clouds his faceplate.
Kaidan switches to a private audio feed. “Shepard,” he says. “I’m here. Just breathe.”
~
Shepard cannot see the stars in his sleep, but he feels them. His defenses go down when he dreams, and the stars yawn through the shutters, bright and terrible and threatening to swallow him whole.
~
A low moan pulls Kaidan out of sleep. He rolls over to find Shepard curled beside him, chin tucked to his chest. Faint starlight lims the ridges of his spine, enough that Kaidan can glimpse the abnormal outline of the metal plates holding him together. Shepard’s hands claw at the back of his neck, a gesture Kaidan has become too agonizingly familiar with.
Damaged seals. Losing oxygen.
The breath rattles in Shepard’s throat. A thin layer of sweat clings to his skin, though he cannot stop shivering. Kaidan slides closer, molding his body to him and threading him with his arms. His hands reach up and close gently over Shepard’s rigid fingers.
“It’s all right,” he whispers, guiding their hands down and wrapping them protectively around Shepard’s chest. Kaidan can feel the thump of his heart, the shallow rise and fall of his chest.
“Breathe. Shepard, breathe.”
How many nights, he wonders. How many nights did he go through this, alone in the dark?
“I’ve got you,” he murmurs, until the trembling stops and his body stills. “And I’m never letting go.”
I never thought of it at that angle
My John definitely has phobia against helmets which leads him in some argues with the rest of the crew
Especially after headbutting krogan
Without helmet
Damm Miranda was pissed
