EngIta Week 2022

Day 7: Music

Warning: Smoking, depression, somewhat unhealthy coping, alcohol, breakups, basically no happy ending, all around major feels town. (I’m so sorry-)

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I don’t want a friend (just me)~ I want my life in two (my life in two)~ Just one more night~ Waiting to get there~ Waiting for you (all night)~ I’m done fighting all night (waiting for you)~

The low neon lights flashed through the club, illuminating the party goers who resided inside. Tables filled with alcohol, cigarettes and other things sat in the pits where partying guests could take a break. Sitting at a table alone in the corner of the club was a handsome young man. His eyes were half lided, disinterested in the things going on around him. In front of him sat a glass of a half empty martini. An ash tray full of butts and ashes sat by his hand, awaiting for him to put in yet another butt of a smoked cigarette. It wasn’t often that he was here in a shady club, smoking cigarettes and drinking. But tonight was one of those nights. Where his head would be filled with harsh whispers and poisonous words hissed. Where his mind would replay memories of a different time, a happier time when everything wasn’t so fucked up. The man took a drag of his cigarette, the nicotine and smoke filling his lungs with a burning pleasure.

When I’m around slow dancing in the dark~ Don’t follow me, you’ll end up in my arms~ You have made up your mind~ I don’t need no more signs~ Can you?~ Can you?~

As the burning filled him, he began to think. To drift back to a time that he desperately tried not to dwell on. Yet as always on nights like these, the memories slowly creeped in. The sounds of a shy laugh and a warm smile. Bright, brilliant green eyes that held the galaxy in them. Pale skin that shimmered in the pale moonlight in their shared bedroom. A gentle phantom touch that felt all too real. He scoffed, his chest tight and raw. It was painful thinking about how those memories haunted him. Then again anything involving these memories was always somewhat haunting. Like an unknown disease that slowly consumed you, leaving you with nothing but the echoes of something that once was. But the worst part of it was that he himself was responsible for the dull ache that seemed to follow him now.

After all it was him, Feliciano Vargas that ended up breaking Arthur Kirkland’s heart.

It’d been a moment of weakness. An error that he didn’t realize he was committing until he had already lost it all. Arthur and him had been together for a long time, the two of them having met at a club when they were in college. It was attraction at first sight but after meeting one another a few more times and getting to know one another it quickly became something so much more. Two young fools who recklessly jumped into a relationship without thinking it through. But at the time it hadn’t mattered to them, as long as they had each other it was enough. Then one day Feli woke up and just…..stopped loving Arthur. No longer did he feel that rush he always felt, no longer did he feel that excitement, the passion and sparks that were there in the beginning. So he’d begun to distant himself, staying out late and not going out with Arthur much. For months it went on like this, with Arthur trying to remain patient and welcoming while Feliciano completely drifted away from him. But like most people Arthur had reached his breaking point. He could still remember that fight they’d had that night, the harsh and cutting words that were thrown at each other.

Until it had finally died when Feliciano said those two little words. The two little words that would at the time unknowingly ruin the Italian man.

“It’s over.”

He could still remember the look on Arthur’s face. The pain in his eyes as the words fully processed. The tears and the heart broken expression he’d had before his face had become like stone. Arthur hadn’t begged him to stay, to fight for them. Instead the Englishman just looked at him, his bright green eyes now dull and unrecognizable before going to their bedroom. It wasn’t long before he’d came back downstairs, a small bag full of his essentials on his shoulder. Without even sparing Feli a glance Arthur had left the house, the only sign of him falling apart being the silent tears that flowed down his face. At the time Feliciano had no idea the mistake he’d made. Had no clue of just how much Arthur still meant to him. That he still loved him and was just too blind and foolish to see. But now after two years of separation between them and being haunted by his actions and trying to mend the heart he’d unknowingly torn to shreds Feli now knew the truth.

He had never stopped loving Arthur. And for these past two years that fact remained. It was only when he was finally gone that Feliciano realized just how much he truly loved him. Arthur Kirkland had become the one that got away, the one that Feliciano Vargas now knew was his one and only. The one that he could ever be with and ever want to be with. Feliciano gripped his now finished cigarette tightly, the memories slowly eating him from the inside out. His eyes burned as he felt the beginning of tears gather in them. The club seemed completely oblivious to the man who was falling apart at his table. Surrounded by the echoes of his past mistakes and his hallow memories.

Wiping at his eyes to stop the tears Feli grabbed his glass and tossed it back, practically inhaling the alcoholic beverage. Nearly slamming the glass down on the table he grabbed a few bills from his wallet and tossed them onto the table. Standing up he made his way towards the dancefloor, desperate to run away from the ghosts that plagued him. The loud bass of the speakers vibrated the floor, hot sweaty bodies pressed up against each other as they danced to the music. Feli eased himself in, joining the sea of people to try and forget because that was all he could really do at this point. As he swayed to the beat, getting lost amongst the bodies that surrounded him, his gaze caught sight of a familiar figure. Pale skin that glowed under the neon lights, messy golden blonde hair, and brilliant green hues.

It was Arthur.

Feliciano felt as if the world stopped, his blood freezing in his veins and his face paling as he stared at the face he’d never forget. The face that haunted him for two years, the face he hadn’t seen since that night when he’d ruined everything. Feli sucked in a wheezing breath, suddenly feeling as if he was suffocating. Arthur hadn’t seen him, instead he was dancing with someone. His body moved along with the stranger, pressing against him as they danced. It made Feliciano’s blood boil seeing the sight. Even if he had no right to feel that way, it still showed its ugly head. He’d been staring for so long that it’d caught Arthur’s attention. The Englishman turned his attention towards the prying eyes and stiffened when he saw Feli. It was as if someone had pulled a gun out and shot him, his already pale face going even paler. The two stared at the other, seemingly lost at what they should do.

Give me reasons we should be complete~ You should be with him, I can’t compete~ You looked at me like I was someone else, oh well~ Can’t you see? (Can’t you see?)~ I don’t wanna slow dance (I don’t want to slow dance)~ In the dark~ Dark~!

After a moment of a tense stare down Arthur’s attention was taken away from him by his dance partner. The man was holding onto Arthur’s shoulder, a concerned look on his face as he seemed to lean down and speak with the short Brit. The Italian could only watch, the pain that had been tormenting the entire night becoming suddenly unbearable. The man held Arthur with such a tenderness, as if he was familiar with him. It made him feel like his heart was torn from his chest as he realized that Arthur may have moved on. Moved on to someone far better than Feliciano, to someone who wasn’t as blind as he had been. And even though Feli wanted to scream and cry and beg for Arthur’s forgiveness, he knew deep down that he didn’t deserve it. Not after the way he’d treated him, not after shattering him and his fragile heart.

When you gotta run~ Just hear my voice in you (my voice in you)~ Shutting me out of you (shutting me out of you)~ Doing so great (so great, so great)~ You~ Used to be the one (used to be the one)~ To hold you when you fall~ Yeah, yeah, yeah (when you fall, when you fall)~ I don’t fuck with your tone (I don’t fuck with your tone)~ I don’t wanna go home (I don’t wanna go home)~ Can it be one night?~ Can you?~ Can you?~

There had been a time when Feliciano would have been the one in the stranger’s position. A time when he would be the one who would comfort Arthur and hold him. A time when he had had Arthur by his side. But that time was no longer around. No in its place was the present moment and the bitter sting of seeing the one he loved seemingly moved on. The other man had wrapped an arm around Arthur, giving Feliciano more of a view of him. The man was taller than Arthur, with wheat blonde hair and bright blue eyes. A pair of glasses sat on his tanned face making him have a boyish like charm to him. Arthur had turned his head towards his partner, speaking into his ear. The man’s blue hues then snapped towards Feliciano. A dawning look of realization came onto his face before he quickly but gently moved him and Arthur further away from Feliciano.

It became very clear that the man was most likely Arthur’s newest boyfriend by the way he had acted at that moment. And it hurt so badly seeing it. But he couldn’t blame Arthur, the Englishman had found someone who obviously treated him better than Feli had. And that alone was enough for the Italian. Not wanting to be on the dancefloor Feli made his way off of it. Once he was out of the sea of people he made his way towards the exit of the club. Stepping out into the chilly air Feliciano began to walk away from the club, leaving his heart behind him with every step. Life was a cruel mistress at times, leaving you broken and laying in a pit of despair and agony. It was a somewhat bitter joke for Feliciano. To realize too late that the one he had wanted and loved had moved on. He could still see the look on Arthur’s face, the pain and the tension he had when they’d made eye contact. It was clear that although Arthur had moved on, the old wounds that were exchanged that night still lingered. Still stung him just as much as it did for Feliciano. But unlike Feli he’d forced himself forward. While Feliciano was stuck in the whispers of the past.

Give me reasons we should be complete~ You should be with him, I can’t compete~ You looked at me like I was someone else, oh well~ Can’t you see?~ I don’t wanna slow dance (I don’t want to slow dance)~ In the dark~ Dark~ In the dark~ Dark~!!

Perhaps in another life, he and Arthur had stayed together. Perhaps in another timeline they’d managed to avoid that fight. Perhaps another version of him wasn’t as blind as he had been. Feliciano didn’t know and he didn’t dwell on it. It was already one of those nights and after the events he’d just been through he no longer wanted to be thinking about it. As he made his way home, his heart seemed to sing a heartbroken melody. A bitter and broken song at the world. The Italian was forever stuck in this loop, now forever dancing on his own. With no music or Arthur in sight.

All that reminded was him and his lonely, slow dancing in the dark.

*………..what have I done?????? To be honest I didn’t mean to make this this sad. I was listening to Slow Dancing in the Dark by Joji and it got my brain going and with the prompt being music it just went from there. I highly recommend listening to the song to get the vibe I had while writing this. This fic is basically a lyric inspired piece. Since the prompt was music I decided to do this with it. I apologize in advance for the sad ending, it just seemed fitting for the music vibe I was trying to go for. And I also apologize for Feliciano for being OOC, but I wanted to go with him as the main POV. I personally don’t see a lot of fics involving Feli being the one who messes up in the world of relationships. It’s usually Arthur who’s the one who screws up so I decided to switch it up. Also yes the person who’s with Arthur is Alfred, whether it’s platonic or romantic is up to the reader to decide. Anyways if any y'all read this I hope you enjoyed it!!! And here’s the seventh prompt @engitaweek2022!!*

“Since "I’m not one to blame”,

everything, everything just backfires right?“

This is based on Hiiragi Kirai’s music video of the same name. The art style here is complex when it came to the background but at least an attempt was made

So I was thinking of Fern whenever I listen to this song because it talks about two things: The Mobius strip and one-sidedness (based on the opinions I’ve read from other’s comments)

(Also I don’t have video making skills but I wish for this to be a PV, just for fun-)