#my txt
This may just be my experience as an autistic person, but the kids I’ve nannied whose parent’s complain of ‘bad awful in cooperative selfish autistic behavior’ are… Not like that? At all?
Like, for example, I cared for a kid for a while who was nonverbal and didn’t like being touched. Around six years old? Their parent said that they were fussy and had a strict schedule, and that they had problems getting them to eat. Their last few nannies had quit out of frustration.
So, I showed up. And for the first little while, it was awkward. The kid didn’t know me, I didn’t know them, you know how it is. And for the first… Day and a half, maybe? I fucked up a few times.
I changed their diaper and they screamed at me. I put the TV off and they threw things. Not fun, but regular upset kid stuff.
Next time, I figured, hell, I wouldn’t like being manhandled and ordered around either. Who likes being physically lifted out of whatever it is they’re doing and having their pants yanked off? Fucking few, that’s who.
Next time, I go, ‘hey, kiddo. You need a new diaper?’ and check. ‘I’m gonna go grab a new one and get you clean, okay?’ ‘Wanna find a spot to lay down?’ ‘Alright, almost done. Awesome job, thanks buddy’.
I learned stuff about them. They liked a heads up before I did anything disruptive. They didn’t mind that I rattled of about nothing all day. They didn’t like grass or plastic touching their back. They were okay with carpets and towels. They liked pictionary, and the color yellow, and fish crackers, and painting. They didn’t look me in the face (which was never an issue- I hate that too, it fucking sucks) but I never had reason to believe that they were ignoring me.
Once I learned what I was doing wrong, everything was fine. Did they magically “”“become normal”“” and start talking and laughing and hugging? No, but we had fun and had a good time and found a compromise between what I was comfortable with and what they were comfortable with. (For the record, I didn’t magically sailor-moon transform into a socially adept individual, either. In case anyone was wondering.)
I don’t like eye contact. It’s distracting and painful and stresses me out.
They didn’t like eye contact either.
Is eye contact necessary to communication? No. So we just didn’t do it.
Was there ever a situation where I HAD to force them to drop everything and lay down on the lawn? No. So the thirty second warning came into play, and nobody died.
“But they never talked!”
No, they didn’t. And they didn’t know ASL, and they didn’t like being touched.
So you know what happened?
My third day in, they tugged on my shirt. ‘Hey monkey, what’s up?’ I asked. And they tugged me towards the kitchen. ‘oh, cool. You hungry?’. They raised their hands in an ‘up’ gesture. ‘you want up? Cool.’ and I lifted them up. They pointed to the fridge. I opened it. They grabbed a juice box out of the top shelf, and pushed the door closed again. ‘oh sweet, grape is the best. You are an individual of refined taste.’ I put them down and they went back to their room to play Legos.
“But they didn’t say please or thank you!” “But you should be teaching them communication skills!” “But!” Lalalalala.
1. The entire interaction was entirely considerate and polite. I was never made uncomfortable. I was made aware of the problem so that I could help them solve it. There was no mess, no tears, no bruises, no shouting.
2. Did my brain collapse into a thousand million fragments of shattered diamond dust out of sheer incomprehension? No? Then their communication skills were fine. Goal realized, solution found, objective complete. They found the most simple and painless way to communicate the situation and then did it.
Kids are not stupid. AUTISTIC kids are not stupid.
I’m willing to bet real cash money that the real reason the last few nannies had quit had a million times more to do with their own ability to cope, not the kid’s.
To this day, that was the most relaxed and enjoyable job I’ve ever had.
And I know I don’t speak for everyone. All kids are different. All adults are different. But in my time and experience, pretty much 95% of all my difficulties with children come from ME not being understanding enough. Every single “problem child” I’ve worked with turned out to be a pretty cool person once I started figuring out how to put my ego aside and let them set the pace.
Again, not speaking universally, here. I’m just saying. Sometimes social rules are bullshit, you know? People are people
Have you ever read an article about the study that found that teaching the parents to cope with autistic kids yields better results than other therapies? Because this is exactly what they were talking about.
this is a fantastic short term solution. but what happens when that child goes out into the real world as an adult and has no verbal communication skills and still doesn’t know how to properly transition between activities? by not teaching them coping mechanisms you put them at a distinct disadvantage compared to the rest of their peers and I don’t think that’s fair.
Okay, first off, I don’t want you to feel that I skimmed your argument and chose to disagree on principal. I feel that I have read and understood your point of view, and am actively putting thought into composing a thoughtful response that conveys my perspective on the subject.
You have asked me what happens when an autistic child “goes out into the real world as an adult and has no verbal communication skills”.
The thing is, there are many adults who live perfectly well without verbal communication.
There are adults with hearing impairments who can’t verbalize their intentions.
There are adults with anxiety disorders who can’t verbalize their intentions.
There do, in fact, exist autistic adults who can’t verbalize their intentions.
I would not personally agree that forcing a child or adult to talk out loud -when it very obviously causes them stress, or when they are unable to do so- is a coping mechanism.
I would argue that a coping mechanism is something that one does to alleviate their own stress, not the stress of others.
Just as well there are, right now, at this very second, any number or real-life adult autistic people who actually do, at this minute, have a hard time transitioning between activities. I’m sure you could ask them what that’s like and you’d get a great number of autistic adults who do exist in the real world willing to tell you.
I’d like you to ask yourself, and I sincerely don’t mean to be condescending, a really quick question:
Is the problem Them, or is the problem You?
Furthermore, is there even a problem at all?
What I mean for you to ask, is: Is there a problem, or did you create one by being unwilling to compromise what makes you, personally, comfortable?
Are they doing something wrong, or are you valuing tradition over someone’s health and wellbeing?
Which is more valuable to you, in a society?
No child is ready to walk out and live life as an adult in the ‘real world’. That’s why they’re children. Raise them, whoever they are and whatever that means, into an adult who’s confident and kind. Let them speak to people who understand them, not just people who’ve studied them, because there is a difference, and children need more than anything to not feel alone. Everything else is secondary.
I was a picky eater as a kid. Like really, really picky; ARFID wasn’t a thing back then, but if it had been I might’ve been diagnosed with it.
My parents never forced me to eat anything. They encouraged me to try new foods, and when I got a bit older we had a system where I would get cheesy popcorn (one of my favorite snacks) in exchange for trying a bite of a new food, but they never forced me. They fed me foods that I would eat to make sure I got enough calories.
Eventually, I did broaden my diet. It is still pretty restrictive, due to anxiety and food sensitivities in addition to the sensory issues, but it’s a complete diet. All of the people who said I would end up surviving on pizza and goldfish crackers forever if they didn’t make me eat other stuff were wrong.
You know what did leave a lasting impact, though? The people who would say that. To me, or to my parents right in front of my face. Extended family, concerned lunch supervisors, and kids at school who would tease me for not having a “real” lunch, eating at the wrong speed, whatever it was. To this day, I get anxious eating in front of people outside of my immediate family and friends group, even if I’m pretty sure they’re not going to judge me.
Would my parents forcing me to eat the same things as everyone else have avoided this judgment from other people? Maybe. However, the impact of that almost definitely would have caused even more harm, and possibly even malnutrition (the logic of “they’ll eat it if it’s the only option” doesn’t work so well when eating said food is physically terrorizing for the kid).
We live in a world that is often deeply cruel to disabled people, and this should absolutely be a consideration when raising autistic kids, but the solution is not to “teach them to be normal.” Approaching kids with understanding and empathy, meeting them where they’re at, and treating them as human beings will ultimately create the healthiest foundation for helping them navigate the world.
Me, the person with memory problems, perfectly aware I have issues with memory: I don’t need to write this down, I’ll remember it
Do you mind if I ask you more about this? It’s hard to understand, because I’ve known I have memory problems and written down All The Things since I was literally four. Why do you tell yourself you’ll remember it? Do you believe that at the time?
Not OP, but I think I do this because I have an expectation for myself that I /should/ be able to remember things that other people can, and some small part of me still feels like if I expect myself to and don’t put in other supports then I just magically…will. I’ve noticed this in other areas of my life that are affected by executive dysfunction too, like “if I set my alarm to go off at the last possible minute I can wake up without being late, will it not take me half an hour to get out of bed?”
It doesn’t work, never has, and I’m trying to get better at accepting and accomadating for my own limitations.
A Terrible Idea
How to solve auditory sensory sensitivity:
Step One: Whenever there’s too much noise, put on headphones blasting your favorite non-painful/triggering music loud enough to cover up the bad noises.
Step Two: Go slightly deaf over time from wearing headphones blasting loud music.
Step Three: All noises are now quieter. It’s like noise-cancelling headphones but for free and invisible!
yes i know this is a terrible idea and please dont actually take my advice this was just a joke that my autistic sensory-sensitive self found funny please don’t sue meOkay I know this is a joke but I think Deaf people would like point out that Deafness isn’t actually all that bad.
Also my dog went deaf in his old age and it honestly changed his personality and made him much more relaxed and chill.
Doctors would never agree to permanently damage a person’s hearing but maybe noise-dampening implants or something would be a good solution to misophonia and sound sensitivities.
Consider this: reverse hearing aids
I’m not talking about ear plugs or anything, I mean an electronic thing that can literally take whatever sounds go into it and soften them. You could adjust it to zero so you hear nothing, or when you’re only having a bit of an issue you could just turn sound a little bit softer.
1. Please do not frequently blast loud music if you can avoid it, because it can cause tinnitus in addition to hearing loss, which can be sensory hell for a lot of people and make other auditory issues worse.
2. According to a quick google search and this reddit thread, this actually sort of exists, and it’s called Adaptive ear plugs (that’s the name of the concept, not a brand). These are earplugs that only deliver outside noise under a certain decibel rating, therefore blocking louder noises while allowing you the hear quieter ones. Looking at a few different sites, it seems like the prices for these are in the same range as higher quality active noise-cancelling headphones, which are enougg for most people to block out loud noises, but may not be helpful for people who also have speech auditory processing issues or some hearing loss in addition to noise sensitivity.
Update:these earplugs from adaptive mall seem to be the most affordable exapmple of this that I’ve found, and are currently on sale for $25.
i just watched the movie master and commander for a class i have on the history of modernity and it’s interesting how it’s one of those movies that has very little pop culture relevance nowadays but it’s also built in such a way that i would be really surprised if there’s no fanfiction for it
eloise bridgerton is like if you programmed an ai to write a feminist character but only based on an input of disney movies and t-shirt slogans
cheryl dunye of watermelon woman fame directing episodes of bridgerton is like. even the greatest among us have to capitulate to Big Hetero sometimes
maybe the best joke in the 3 ¼ eps of our flag means death that i’ve seen is the enlightenment natural philosophy-ass take that women are bad luck on ships because they have crystals in their body, and the crystals attract demons, and the demons attract misfortune
is our flag means death fun or is it like ted lasso with gay people
@you-oughta-know@kendrysaneela@just-a-little-unionoid thanks for the comments! i might just fuck around, watch an episode, and find out honestly
is our flag means death fun or is it like ted lasso with gay people
i did ship goodsilna when i was into the terror but i wouldn’t have had it be canon for a million dollars
should i watch versailles again after 4 years or will the psychic distress be too much for my fragile constitution
