#normal horoscope
Aries:A philosophical dilemma you’ve been struggling with for a while will be resolved when you finally have the opportunity to kick Noam Chomsky in the face.
Taurus:Restore your confidence and sense of childlike wonder at the world by collecting the orbs.
Gemini:If your co-workers are a little more critical of you today, its because they’re jealous that bonzi buddy can send Emails.
Cancer:Now that things have calmed down a bit, feel free to spend a few days sobbing uncontrollably.
Leo:Folks will see you replace your legs with tank treads and say you cant afford pants.
Virgo:As inviting as it may look, that invitation to the abandoned fireworks factory is yet another trick to steal your gameboy advance.
Libra:You will be receiving more coupons from the winged people who live on the moon. Do not respond to their letters, its a scam.
Scorpio:Try not to get discouraged today! The land is blanketed in cursed fog that erodes memories and there is only so much you can allow yourself to worry about.
Ophiuchus:Careful! Doubting your inherent worth as a living human being will trigger PVP mode.
Sagittarius:The hot single dads in your area are an invasive species which must be culled. Do your part Sagittarius, its open season.
Capricorn:When I asked for todays horoscope the stars gave me the strategy guide for Crash Team Racing.
Aquarius:The security cameras at work show a completely different building in a completely different time. Do not explore the topic further.
Pisces:Take a chance and express yourself, you might find that you can speak Sumerian! You also might find yourself unable to stop speaking sumerian! Take a chance!
Aries:Do not be dismayed to learn that you are being piloted by a small colony of rats. It will change surprisingly little about your life. What is life about if not learning to expect the unexpected.
Taurus:All the tension and stress you’ve been dealing with will finally come out in the form of mild adrenaline based superstrength that surfaces in a fit of erotic rage.
Gemini:Careful Gemini! You may be interrupted in the midst of your daily oscillation session. Don’t let it ruin your day, hold a house meeting and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Cancer:You’ve been pushing yourself pretty hard in pursuit of your goals. The stars say to allow yourself to rest. Consider spending a day collecting delicious sap.
Leo:Make sure to stretch before collapsing into a prophetic fugue state. The rapturous convulsions can cause neck/back strain. Consider a back brace or praying really really hard.
Virgo:Are you interested in things? Stuff? Today will be your lucky day Virgo! Careful not to freak out when your day is full of both things and stuff.
Libra:Consider introducing yourself to the greyish humanoid figure that always appears at a set distance from you in low light conditions. It may take an illuminated sign but socialization is important for these sorts of things.
Scorpio:Relieve stress by planning a trip that isnt a trip to a place that isnt a place. Relieve stress by conceiving of time collapsed into a single semipermeable plane of events that anchors all the things that could be.
Ophiuchus: When the stars said that pushing yourself this hard would take an emotional toll we didn’t mean it like an actual payment of currency. No it is not taxable.
Sagittarius:Careful not to blunt those sharp eyes on an unforgiving task. Passion for learning is all well and good, but you’re venturing into uncharted territory that may contain things that want your eyes.
Capricorn:Clever though you are, the stars and I recommend against making an alchemical duplicate of yourself to help with the workload. That sort of thing never goes well.
Aquarius:An upcoming social event will be so rife with intrigue it will spawn a sentient thoughtform that will slowly begin to murder people as the night progresses. Just make sure to duck out early.
Pisces:Your constant near death experiences may be putting you under some stress. Time for some light reading, or maybe some breathing exercises. Honestly the stars say you’re handling constantly being faced with your own mortality pretty well.
