#nostalgia posts
Me: *kills spider* Haha, fuck you spider! *To adjacent spider* You’re next.
DM: Yells intimidations to mindless things, check.
Me: Hey, I yell at everything.
Jon, after reading an inscription from a note the DM passed him: Using “shall” twice in the same sentence is tacky as fuck.
DM: -2 experience.
Doug: Where’s Amun when you need him?
Jon: Eh, we’ve got Gander.
Me: Gander is like the cut-rate version of Amun. The free version, with all the ads.
Ajax: Let’s get the fuck outta here. Like, yesterday.
Me: Finally! Let’s go! (OOC) I drag Ajax away.
Gander: Wait, what? Why?
Ajax: Apparently I’m being dragged away.
Doug: You’re not getting past [Gander], he can block the hallway.
Scott: I am, I am blocking the hallway.
Me: Why?? Move your fucking ass, Gander!
Gander: Whoa, wait a minute-
Me: Move your skinny, useless ass, Gander!
Gander: Whoa, wait, why are we getting out of here, why do you want to leave?
Ajax: Okay, so, you ever hear of the Gemari?
Me:No.
Gander:Yes.
Me: No. You’re a liar. Shut up.
Gander: I’m sure I have. I’m a pretty smart guy. I’m learned.
Jon, to the DM: Has he?
DM: With his previous recollection, he’s a little hazy on the subject, but the name rings a bell.
Ajax: So, this is a Gemari cave.
Me:So?
Helker: What the fuck is a Gemari?
Ajax: Kind of like an elf, but powerful. Like, a lot more powerful.
Gander: Magical powerful?
Me: Gonna-kill-us powerful?
Ajax, pointing to me: That kind of powerful!
Me: Okay, Gander, move your skinny useless ass!
Gander: Whoa whoa wait a minute! Magical powerful?
Ajax: Magical, can-turn-invisible-and-kill-us powerful.
Me: Gander, I will bowl you over! Move!
DM, to Jon: Wait, let me clarify: are you associating the [inaudible]?
Jon: No. I’m associating the person who DISAPPEARED.
DM: Okay, because [inaudible].
Jon: Look. I saw her, she saw me and disappeared.
Gander: Wait, what, who, what, who disappeared?
Me: Gander! Move! We can discuss this upstairs!
Gander: Who disappeared?
Me: Roll to bowl Gander over! *rolls* What is that, a Strength check?
DM: Are you doing a Bullrush?
Me: Yeah, sure.
Gander: Are you Bullrushing me?
Me: I’m trying to get past you with Ajax, because you are being an asshole.
DM: Your CMB versus his CMD.
Me: Uh, 19.
Scott: I’m 16.
DM: Okay, she pushes you five feet.
Me: I’m just trying to get past him.
DM: Well, he’s not letting you.
Gander: Wait a minute, wait a minute-
Me: Moooove, we can discuss this upstairs! Gander, I will knock you out.
DM: *bursts out laughing*
Me: I am not joking around.
Gander: But wait a minute-
Me: No! We can discuss this upstairs! Get up the fucking rope.
Gander: Lady, calm down-
Me: No! This thing will kill us all!
Gander: What thing? What is it?
Me: I will explain upstairs.
Scott: Does she even know what it is?
Me: I just listened to Ajax describe it. It will kill us. *rolls* 11, I don’t think I made it this time.
Gander: So, wait, Ajax, you saw somebody down here-
Ajax: Yeah, I did!
Me: Okay, I’m going to roll to hurl Ajax over his head. What is it, roll my CMB versus Ajax’s CMD to throw him over Gander’s head? Ajax, I am going to make you like a baseball and throw you over Gander’s head to get you to safety.
Jay: Fastball special!
DM: *sighs* Okay, Ajax, are you resisting at all?
Jon: No, I wanna get the fuck outta here. People turn invisible at will? I am getting the shit outta here!
Me, rolling: Uh, that’s a total of 12.
Gander: I can turn invisible! It’s no big deal!
DM: Where are you trying to throw him?
Me: Over here, by Helker.
DM: Okay, Lara, you can throw him in a 30-foot range increment.
Me, counting off squares to rope: Yup, I can make it!
DM: Okay, well, Ajax, you are airborn.
Jay: Helker will step aside to let you through.
DM: Ajax, do you have any Acrobatics?
Jon: Well, I have a +2 miscellaneous modifier to it from being a hobbit.
DM: Okay, you can attempt a roll.
Jon, rolling:14.
DM: Okay, you made it. You’re on the ground behind Helker, you take a point of subdual damage.
Jon: I am getting up and scurrying up the rope.
Helker: What the hell is going on in there?
Me: Gander is being a fucking- he’s gonna get us killed! *to the DM* What is it, a Dex roll to try to slip by Gander?
DM: You can try to overrun him.
Me, rolling: Ok, that’s a Nat 1, I’m probably gonna knock myself over.
Gander: At a Nat 1, I stiffarm you.
Me: Okay, Ajax is behind you. Go that way! Go fetch! That was the entire point of throwing Ajax, because you kept interrogating Ajax, so I thought you’d follow.
Scott: Wow, Gander is trying to stay calm.
*whole party laughs*
Me: You can stay calm upstairs! How many times do I have to fucking say this?
Gander: The air starts swirling around me with my emotions.
Me, rolling again: 15, to try to get past.
DM: It’s getting pretty windy in this tunnel for some reason.
Me: I do not give a fuck.
Scott: Your hair is blowing in the wind.
Me: I give even less of a fuck. 15 to get past Gander.
Scott: I got a 16.
DM: You’re not getting past him.
Me: Move, Gander! Please!
Scott: … I step aside-
Me: Thank you! I move up the rope.
DM: The chain shirt is very supple.
Me: It’s probably mithril. *pause* Or it’s human skin.
Jon: You play this game far too much if your only guesses are mithril or human skin.
DM: Lara, your turn! Fetal position?
Me: I sit on the floor with my back to the wall and contemplate the hollowness of life.
DM, laughing: Sit down and open the Book of Fuck It?
Me: I open the Book of Fuck It and take a good long read.
“Intimidate is an important skill, especially when you’re 2'11".”— Jon.
