It took me a moment to realize that the preceeding ad was, in fact, an ad and not part of the post.
Oh, thats funny. Though I’ve done a campaign like that, and let me tell you, it can be quite frustrating. To be fair, a lot of that frustration was because we were told it’d be a pirate campaign, not “you’re stuck on an island scrabbling for resources with these other assholes who’ve already pissed off every native sapient population”.
So as y'all are aware, I do not currently have a DnD group. I am looking, but between Shabbat and my work schedule, its slow going.
I’ve been trying to keep the blog active by reposting old content that I think deserves the spotlight once more, but even 8 years of content can only stretch so far.
So I am asking you for submissions! Content from your own games. Quotes, conversations, stories, art, hell, even character ideas that you think are interesting! Send it in via the submission button or the ask button, either works.
DM, to Jon: Wait, let me clarify: are you associating the [inaudible]?
Jon: No. I’m associating the person who DISAPPEARED.
DM: Okay, because [inaudible].
Jon: Look. I saw her, she saw me and disappeared.
Gander: Wait, what, who, what, who disappeared?
Me: Gander! Move! We can discuss this upstairs!
Gander: Who disappeared?
Me: Roll to bowl Gander over! *rolls* What is that, a Strength check?
DM: Are you doing a Bullrush?
Me: Yeah, sure.
Gander: Are you Bullrushing me?
Me: I’m trying to get past you with Ajax, because you are being an asshole.
DM: Your CMB versus his CMD.
Me: Uh, 19.
Scott: I’m 16.
DM: Okay, she pushes you five feet.
Me: I’m just trying to get past him.
DM: Well, he’s not letting you.
Gander: Wait a minute, wait a minute-
Me: Moooove, we can discuss this upstairs! Gander, I will knock you out.
DM: *bursts out laughing*
Me: I am not joking around.
Gander: But wait a minute-
Me: No! We can discuss this upstairs! Get up the fucking rope.
Gander: Lady, calm down-
Me: No! This thing will kill us all!
Gander: What thing? What is it?
Me: I will explain upstairs.
Scott: Does she even know what it is?
Me: I just listened to Ajax describe it. It will kill us. *rolls* 11, I don’t think I made it this time.
Gander: So, wait, Ajax, you saw somebody down here-
Ajax: Yeah, I did!
Me: Okay, I’m going to roll to hurl Ajax over his head. What is it, roll my CMB versus Ajax’s CMD to throw him over Gander’s head? Ajax, I am going to make you like a baseball and throw you over Gander’s head to get you to safety.
Jay: Fastball special!
DM: *sighs* Okay, Ajax, are you resisting at all?
Jon: No, I wanna get the fuck outta here. People turn invisible at will? I am getting the shit outta here!
Me, rolling: Uh, that’s a total of 12.
Gander: I can turn invisible! It’s no big deal!
DM: Where are you trying to throw him?
Me: Over here, by Helker.
DM: Okay, Lara, you can throw him in a 30-foot range increment.
Me, counting off squares to rope: Yup, I can make it!
DM: Okay, well, Ajax, you are airborn.
Jay: Helker will step aside to let you through.
DM: Ajax, do you have any Acrobatics?
Jon: Well, I have a +2 miscellaneous modifier to it from being a hobbit.
DM: Okay, you can attempt a roll.
Jon, rolling:14.
DM: Okay, you made it. You’re on the ground behind Helker, you take a point of subdual damage.
Jon: I am getting up and scurrying up the rope.
Helker: What the hell is going on in there?
Me: Gander is being a fucking- he’s gonna get us killed! *to the DM* What is it, a Dex roll to try to slip by Gander?
Me: Okay, Ajax is behind you. Go that way! Go fetch! That was the entire point of throwing Ajax, because you kept interrogating Ajax, so I thought you’d follow.
Scott: Wow, Gander is trying to stay calm.
*whole party laughs*
Me: You can stay calm upstairs! How many times do I have to fucking say this?
Gander: The air starts swirling around me with my emotions.
Me, rolling again: 15, to try to get past.
DM: It’s getting pretty windy in this tunnel for some reason.
Me: I do not give a fuck.
Scott: Your hair is blowing in the wind.
Me: I give even less of a fuck. 15 to get past Gander.
I work at an adult toy store. Yes, we sell sex toys. Yes, we sell lingerie. Yes, we sell fetish gear. No, we don’t sell porn.
Peoplewill not stop asking me for the Rose, praising the Rose, saying that it’s the best thing they/their friend/that one Instagram influencer ever felt, strongest orgasm, blah blah blah.
It’s bullshit. Don’t buy the Rose.
The Rose is not a great toy. Let’s start there. It isn’t even that good. It also isn’t actually a suction toy, but that’s not a bad thing. Most people don’t enjoy suction; the feeling of something tugging on their clitoris has been often described to me as “too intense.”
It is actually a pulsation vibrator, usually of the sonic variety. I say “usually” because the Rose, unlike any of the other toys I will later suggest, is not made by any one company. The style is not patented, and due to its popularity, everyone is making a version. Usually, what you can buy is about $30 worth of toy, being sold for $60. And if you try to tell me you saw it cheaper on Amazon, don’t buy your sex toys from Amazon. You have even odds of them being somebody else’s used and unwashed returns. You have worse than even odds of receiving what you actually paid for, but that’s just because Amazon stocks the off-brand knockoffs with the on-brand good products, and doesn’t differentiate which ones you are sent.
But I digress.
A sonic vibrator is, in essence, a very small speaker. We’ve all seen the way subwoofers vibrate in time with the music. A sonic vibrator is that speaker membrane, made much smaller. I like to tell people that its basically a tiny speaker screaming death metal at their clitoris.
Sonic vibes are, as far as I can gather, cheaper to make than air pulsation toys, and can be taken underwater, as they don’t have an air intake port to ruin with said water. They tend to have a greater facility for pulse and beat patterns, and vibrate at a higher frequency than the average vibrator. If you like high-frequency, high-power toys that you can use in the bathtub or shower, that’s great!
Personally, I tend to lean more towards air pulsation toys. I find they have a greater degree of subtlety and variation in their power, and I don’t care overmuch for patterns.
Now, a brief history lesson: in 2014, a sex toy company called Womanizer took the internet by storm with their innovative new air pulsation technology. Some of you may recall this. The Womanizer was (and still is) a fairly expensive toy, various models ranging from $80 to $300. In 2016, the Satisfyer brand emerged as a more affordable alternative, though they have, of course, expanded since then. Both brands are considered by many to be the Big Names in air pulsation sex toys, though others have, of course, made their own versions since then.
Now, back to the Rose: it’s cute. But that is all it has going for it. People have been asking me for that fucking thing for over a year now, because Instagram and TikTok just will not. Let. it. Die. So I was predisposed to hate it on principle before my company finally managed to get ahold of some at around Month 6 of this bullshit. And boy, was it every bit as disappointing as I had hoped. The very design of it is the first problem. No matter what company you get it from, the size and shape are the same, meaning the opening for the sonic membrane is very small and round, neither of which are things that actually accommodate most clitorises. The versions we got in generally had 10 settings at most, typically seven. They were all sonic vibes, none of them suctioned despite the advertising on the boxes claiming thus (though to be fair, unless you’ve actually felt a suction vibe and compared it to a pulsation vibe, most people can’t tell the difference). The demonstration toy we got to show customers was weak compared to the other sonic vibes we sell at a similar price point.
Now! Back to the Womanizer. Hate the name, love the toys. They have a large, oval opening over the pulsation membrane, covered with a silicone head that is removable! Because it comes with two different sizes, as not all clitorises are the same! It is strong! It has many settings (up to 14 right now, with the Premium 2)! The Premium and Classic shapes both have a little lip that vibrates with the pulsation, stimulating the nerve endings below the clitoris, which are also important and need much love!
And the Satisfyers! So many shapes! So many styles! If you want a cute pulsation toy, get the Satisfyer Penguin! It has a little bow tie around its neck! If you want a variety of functions, get one of the ones with app connectivity! They can connect to the Satisfyer app via bluetooth and you can literally draw your own vibration patterns! The sky is the limit! It’s so cool! And it’s also only $60 from the manufacturer website, which is the same price as most stores sell the Rose for! It is three times the toy the Rose will ever be, for the same fucking price!
Or the Melt, by We-Vibe! Also app-controlled! But the opening is ovoid instead of circular, which is my one complaint about Satisfyer toys. It’s a little pricier, but the app also has more options for long-distance play, which leads into my infodump on panty vibes, which we aren’t doing here.
Or if you prefer sonic over air, get the VeDo Suki! Effectively 60 settings! It has 10 different functions, each of which has six power intensities! If you’ve ever experienced a toy with the perfect pattern, but not enough or too much power, you’ll understand exactly the frustration that the Suki solves! It’s fantastic! It is also $60!
If you genuinely want suction, there’s the VibroKiss, by CalExotics! Or the Trinitii, by Sensuelle (it has a tongue)! Or the Bendable Sucker, by Evolved, if you want versatility and a phenomenal warranty!
There are so many better options than the Rose. The Rose is trash. Your clitoris deserves better. You deserve better. And no, I’m not getting paid for this. I just hate the Rose that much.
How would y'all feel if I posted an essay on sex toys?
Specifically, the Rose. I work at an adult toy store, and that thing has been haunting me for over a year now. I’ve had multiple customers and coworkers tell me to turn my (by now, well practiced) rant on the Rose into an essay, because they think it’s interesting and informative.
However, I have very few platforms I post anything on, and this is one of the major ones.
I realize that this is wildly off-brand for my blog, but I don’t have a gaming group right now, and no immediate prospects of getting one. And it genuinely is information that people ought to know. That toy is not what they tell you it is.
