#older brother remus
…
He’s hazy.
Everything feels too slow, except his pulse is too fast, he can feel it fluttering in his chest, and he realizes with a sinking feeling that he knows, he knows this feeling, this is how he always feels afterwards, the sedatives still running through him, but he’s still numb enough he can’t feel whatever they’ve done, though that won’t last long, now, not if he’s getting awareness back.
It must have been bad, if they decided to knock him out completely, he had an incredible tolerance for pain at this point, they haven’t put him fully under in years.
He remembers the ship. Aliens. Patton, Logan, Virgil, Janus.
But if he’s like this…
He’d been right. He’d been right, it was all a lie.
They were probably moving him out of the nice alien simulation area back into the cell, the cold, empty, icy cell, and he lets out a pathetic whimper, because he’d thought, he’d thought, he’d thought…
But of course. Of course, it was a lie, a ruse, and he’d always been just stupid enough to fall for them.
But he doesn’t hear Roman, anywhere, doesn’t feel him nearby, which is good. It means they really meant it, so early on, when they promised Roman could stay.
“Remus. Can you hear me?” Janus’s voice, and he winces, wishing it was anyone else, because he’d actually started not only trusting Janus, but liking being around him, feeling safe around him, and he doesn’t want to hear the explanation from him.
“please. Just go.” He mumbles, voice rasping. His throat is dry and burning, acid in his throat, and he barely manages even that much. “S fine. I get it. Gotta hand it to ya, you’re all incredible actors.” He hears a sharp inhale, then the bed shifts, and he feels a hand against his head, stroking his hair. He pulls away, tears slipping down his face. “don’t. if you’re gonna take this away, don’t be so nice about it.”
“Oh, darling. No one’s taking anything away. No one’s going anywhere. Do you remember, what happened?”
He furrows his brow, managing to crack open his eyes, vision blurry as he looks up at Janus.
“O-outside. S-something…” It rushes back to him, and he jolts upright, vision clearing, though his head spins. “I’m sorry! I’m s-sorry…” He trails off, falling into Janus’s open arms, somewhat surprising the naga, but he recovers quickly, cradling his head tight against him with one hand, the other supporting his back, Janus tucking his head over Remus’s shoulder, shushing softly. “I d-didn’t mean to, I d-didn’t… I’m sorry-“
“for what, darling? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I h-hit you, I almost at-acked Logan, I d-didn’t know wh-ere I was, I-“
“Remus. You protected us. You protected me. No one is mad. No one is hurt. Everyone is safe. I promise.” He feels Remus shaking against him, feels a wet spot growing against his shirt, and he holds Remus a little tighter. “you’re not back there. You got drugged, by the assailants, whom ran off in the face of a terrifyingly pissed off human.” He hears a little gasp of laughter from Remus, and smiles, pushing back his hair. “If anyone should apologize, it’s me. I was supposed to keep you safe, and instead you got hurt for my sake. Thank you, Remus.” He whispers, a bit surprised Remus hasn’t pulled away, is clinging this tightly to him.
“Roman’s okay?”
“Worried out of his mind, but otherwise unscathed. We wanted to let you wake up on your own, without all of us hovering. Figured that would only scare you more.”
“Probably a good choice. I… it got so muddled, it… what was it?”
“I don’t remember the name. Sedatives strong enough it would have wiped any of the rest of us out for days, left us completely weak and defenseless. The local authorities have tracked them down, a small smugglers ring. Saw our group, thought we were easy targets, didn’t realize you two were humans, since they’re so rare out in the galaxies. They’re being dealt with appropriately and severely. Like we said, this planet is a frequent stop for refugees. The people here don’t take kindly to anyone threatening that.” Remus finally pulls back slightly, knees to his chest.
“Will we ever just… be safe? Every time I get used to a routine, something happens, something bad. Routines are safe. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen when, there’s no anticipation or fear, because I know. Even… even before this, I knew the routine, knew that if I was quiet and good, they’d leave Roman alone. Knew that one day would be mind tests, the next would be physical experimentation, the next would be pain resistence, the next would be chemicals, I could prepare for the pain and the crash and the fall. I… what happens? What happens if this happens again? If I can’t pull back the little that I did? If something sets me off and I snap and forget and hurt all of you? What if I kill-“ He breaks off with a poorly stifled sob, and Janus rests a hand on his knee.
“you won’t. You’re not a monster, Remus. You’re smart and brave and resilient. And you are part of our family now, you and Roman both. And we will fight for you, just as hard as you fought every day for Roman, just as hard as you fought those smugglers for me, we will fight for you, Remus. And we won’t ever, ever give up on you.” Then Remus is back in his arms, shaking with tears, and Janus finds it impossible to hold back his own. “I promise.”
…
He’s laying outside on the grass, just off the ramp that leads into the ship. The grass tickles his arms, his legs, the smell of it heady and sweet, and he closes his eyes, just breathing in a deep, huge breath.
The sun is just starting to set, though instead of fiery oranges and pinks, the sky here is turning a deep violet and electric pink. Kinda neat, even though it does pull at his heart. He opens his eyes with a low sigh, staring up at the slowly emerging stars, the unfamiliar constellations, planets, moons. How far are they, he wonders, from Earth? He supposes Logan would know, but he’s almost afraid to ask. He’s not sure he wants to know.
“Roman? You doing ok, kiddo?” Patton asks, sitting down on the ground near him, and he takes another deep breath in and out. “you’re crying.” Patton says, softer, and he rubs his eyes surprised as they come away wet. He hadn’t noticed.
“I… don’t know. Just… look at this, Patton. It’s so huge. And we’re just…just carried along by its tide. Just lost in the oceans of darkness. I keep looking, for the North Star. It’s the guiding light, on Earth, it doesn’t move, points steadily North. The bottom of the Big Dipper. Or was it the Little Dipper? No, it musta been big dipper, that’s the one the slaves would use, when they escaped the south, to lead them to freedom. They had songs and stories and legends. They looked up at the sky, and had hope, looking up, that beacon leading them onwards. I’ve never had a North Star. And I keep… I keep looking for one, Patton, but I can’t find it. There’s nothing familiar or same or… I don’t know… I don’t know!” He cries, resting an arm across his forehead. “there’s so much out there. And I never thought I would ever have the chance to see any of it. We were going to die, there. We both knew it. Knew sooner or later, either on purpose or on accident, they’d do something irreparable and one of us would die. And one of us dying was just the same as both of us. But we didn’t. In the endless, vast, hugeness, somehow, we didn’t. What are the chances, of that? What are the chances, of you finding us, instead of some other humans, of finding anything at all? What… did we do, to deserve to be found? What do we even do, now? How…” he breaks off, pressing his palms against his eyes for a long moment, before tugging his hands through his hair, finally tilting his head to look at Patton. “how do we go on, without any North Star?”
“Kiddo…” Patton exhales, reaching out his hand, leaving it palm up on the grass, an invitation, rewarded as, after a moment, Roman reaches out, placing a palm atop his, not pulling away as Patton slowly intertwines their fingers. “you didn’t have to do anything, to deserve to be found. Because you never deserved to be taken. You never, never, deserved to be hurt or terrorized in the ways that you were. You’re right, the chances of our efforts leading us to you, in the entire universe, are so, so, small. But we found you, we found you, Roman, it doesn’t matter how or why, it just matters that we did, because you and Remus deserve so much better, you deserve the universe, Roman, and I would give it to you, if I could, I would give you the cosmos. I know, it’s overwhelming, having freedoms, having choices, having the galaxies open to you, to do anything you want, I know it feels like there’s too much, and you’re drowning in choices you don’t know how to make, you don’t feel safe making, because every choice before this was a test, made for you, to hurt you. I know it’s scary. Especially after what happened today, it’s scary. But you have us, to lean on. To help you, to support you, to just… be there. And I need you to know, if you did… if someone did take you, again, if somehow something went wrong, we would never, never stop searching for you, we would never give up on finding you, until you were safe with us again. You’re part of our family, Ro. I would do anything for you. I love you.” He says softly, worrying he’s gone overboard, as he looks at Roman’s slightly stricken face.
Then Roman moves faster than his eyes can process, throwing his arms around his neck, sobbing quietly into his shoulder. His wings flutter in surprise, then he’s wrapping his arms around Roman, his wings, blocking out the rest of the world, cradling him in soft warmth and safety, radiating out peace and love and warmth as he rubs his back, shushing him gently. “It’s ok, baby. It’ll be ok. I’ve got you.” He murmurs, feeling Roman shaking against him.
“th-thank you, g-god, Pat, th-thank you, y-y-you’re so good, y-ou’re so… thank you.”
“Of course, kiddo. Of course. I love you, you’re so good, too, Roman, you just have to let yourself believe it, let yourself see it. I can’t wait to see it, Roman, to see you and Remus start to believe in yourselves again, it’s going to be so beautiful.”
They sit like that for a long time, until the stars come out, until the sun fully sets, until Patton almost thinks Roman must have fallen asleep, his breath coming in deep and steady, his heart a steady pace against his chest, Roman relaxed and melted against him, as he strokes his back, teases through his hair, he’s never seen Roman this calm, not even in sleep. So he’s surprised when Roman shifts, eyes peeking up at him, at the stars in the sky.
“I suppose we should head inside.” Patton keeps teasing through his hair, smiling softly as Roman leans into the touch, eyes fluttering shut in pure bliss.
“We can stay out, if you want. It won’t get too cold out here, and I stay plenty warm, no matter the weather.” Roman nods, settling back against him, letting out a huge yawn, taking in a deep breath.
“M’kay. If you’re sure, Pat.” He murmurs, snuggling tighter against him. he chuckles, pulling his wings in tighter around the sleepy human.
“I am, baby.”
“Pat?”
“yes, sweetie?” He answers, tucking his hair back.
“love you.” He nearly cries, but manages to stifle it, not willing to risk waking Roman, who desperately needs the sleep, they both do, to heal properly. So he brushes a gentle kiss across his forehead, smile huge and eyes wet, as he watches Roman sleep soundly in his arms.
“I do too, kiddo. So, so much.”
…
