#parent advice
How Do I Talk About Periods with My Non-Binary Kid?
“How do I talk to my non-binary kid about their period in a way that doesn’t invalidate their identity? They don’t like to talk about it and I feel so weird and unsure all the time!”
Question Submitted Anonymously
Answered by Alaina Monts
Alaina Says:
Periods are…weird. Even if you learn about them from the most liberal sources, they’re often associated with womanhood and femininity in ways that, even for me, as a non-binary person who has an amicable relationship with menstruation, can feel uncomfortable. It’s understandable that your kid doesn’t want to talk about it when almost every source that mentions periods can invalidate their identity. But periods are just a thing that happens to some folks’ bodies, and being able to talk about them with your child is an important aspect of keeping up with their health, so let’s figure out some ways to make it easier. Here are five things to keep in mind:
1. Change your language and mindset about periods.
When I got my period for the first time, it was hailed as the first step toward becoming an adult, specifically womanhood and motherhood. But a period is not the first step to becoming a woman, it’s just a regular shedding of the uterine lining. That’s it. Changing the way you talk about periods with your kid can make a really huge difference. It’s easy to make statements like “Well, at least you’re not pregnant!” or, if you’re a woman, try to find camaraderie with them by mentioning that this is something all “of us” go through, but try not to. Make a period’s attachment to gender as neutral as possible. Even saying “menstrual products” instead of “feminine products” is a small change in language, but can make period talk feel much more affirming. If you change how you think and talk about periods, your child might be more willing to talk about them.
2. Find out how your child wants to talk about their period.
Once you’ve changed your own language, a good next step is to find out how they want to talk about it. Personally, I like to say that I’m bleeding instead of having my period. Maybe they like to talk about it as their “time of the month,” or maybe saying “period” is fine for them. The important thing is that you ask them. Make it clear that you want to talk about their period on their terms, and then listen and use the language they ask you to use.
3. Help experiment with finding products (or not!)
Maybe your parent gave you pads because that’s what their parents gave them and that’s what you plan to give to your kid, but maybe you don’t! Be willing to experiment with them and ask them what kinds of products they want. Some people don’t like how aware pads make them of the periods. Some people don’t like tampons because they don’t want to have to be that intimate with their vagina. I personally use a menstrual cup because it made me feel dysphoric to have to go searching through the period aisle every time it happened. And sometimes I free bleed, especially at night. Offer to get your child whatever products make them feel good about themself and even things like extra dark sheets or a multipack of black sweats and underwear. Be willing to do something new every month because our relationships with our bodies can change. What might feel good one month might not feel good another one.
4. If there’s something you’re worried about, think about using a tracking app.
I love menstrual tracking apps. Just because I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t think negatively about menstruating doesn’t mean that I always want to talk about it, or that I want to be surprised by it. But I still need to keep track of when it happens so that I can be informed when I talk to my doctor. Apps that track menstruation are a lifesaver for me—they remind me a few days before, so I can have time to get ready for them. I personally use Clue because it’s gender neutral, and I can share data, which could be really useful for a parent/child relationship. Check around for an app that you and your child likes—a lot of them can be really gendered, so look around for something that’s as gender neutral as possible. This way, you can keep up on anything you’re worried about, and your child doesn’t have to sit down and have a conversation that might make them uncomfortable.
5. If your child wishes they didn’t have a period, talk to their pediatrician about options.
If menstruating really bothers your child, talk to their pediatrician about ways to stop it. Birth control is not only for people having sex and can be a way to stop periods completely. Talk about what’s safe, and then talk to your child. If this is what they want, find a way to make it happen. Medical intervention to stop periods is totally fine and normal, and there are lots of reasons people don’t want to have them, including gender dysphoria! Talk about how birth control or another option like it is an option for your child. Let them know that if they don’t want to have a period, they don’t have to, but that you want to do it safely and in conjunction with a doctor.
The most important thing when talking about periods with your child is to mention that they’re normal and that they do not mean that your child is a girl or woman. Don’t push, be gentle, and be flexible. Offer them lots of resources and listen to what they have to say. They’ll open up when they’re ready.
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“I need some help because I’m kinda panicking over here… my daughter is bringing her girlfriend home next week and, while I ok’d it and said I wanted to meet her (this is the first time I will be meeting one of my daughter’s significant others since she came out), all of a sudden I’m getting really nervous! What if I say the wrong thing? What if it’s awkward? My husband is less excited about meeting her, which only makes me more nervous about how it will all unfold. Help!!”
Question Submitted Anonymously
Answered by Polly and Shelby Kim
Polly and Shelby Say:
Hi there! First of all, it’s great that you want to meet your daughter’s girlfriend and that she’s coming over. If your daughter is bringing her girlfriend home, then she must want you to meet her girlfriend and for her girlfriend to meet you. That’s a good sign! She doesn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of her girlfriend or of you, and she’s not too worried that you’ll say the wrong thing or that it will be awkward. She must know that you support her and love her. It’s normal for you to feel a little nervous, but let’s see if we can reduce the panic and ensure that the girlfriend feels welcome and comfortable in your home.
Are you nervous because you’re meeting your daughter’s significant other for the first time, or because the significant other is a girlfriend? It’s normal to feel nervous about your child bringing home a significant other, regardless of gender. This is an important person in her life—it will be exciting to meet her, and you want to make a good impression. You being a little nervous is normal, and it shows you care a lot and want to support her relationship and don’t want to do anything to mess it up.
If the nerves are because you’re still coming to terms with your daughter’s sexuality, that’s okay too. Seek support and resources, such as your local PFLAG chapter or the PFLAG National website, other articles on this website, and the book This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. If your daughter only recently came out, it’s normal to not be fully comfortable with her having a girlfriend yet. Even if you feel totally fine with her being queer, knowing she has a girlfriend and you’re about to see them together may make it more “real” and bring out more feelings that you are yet to work through.
Since you are worried about maybe saying the wrong thing, it being awkward, and how it will all unfold, prepare ahead of time and discuss some things with your husband and your daughter so everyone has the same expectations and there are no big surprises. It seems like your husband’s feelings and possible reactions are worrying you, so I recommend you have a talk with him. Share the helpful resources you discover and listen to his concerns. When the girlfriend arrives is not the time to find out how he really feels. If you can’t totally bring him on board supporting this relationship, at least agree on how he will act to avoid negativity during the visit. Discuss sleeping arrangements ahead of time and come to an agreement so you present a united front. Let your daughter know your decision ahead of time so any disagreements won’t occur in front of her girlfriend.
Lastly, talk to your daughter. Ask how she and her girlfriend reference their relationship. Never call her girlfriend her “friend”—that makes it seem like you are not taking their relationship seriously or you are trying to hide it. Ask if and how they want to meet and be introduced to relatives and friends during the visit. Discuss what they want to do during the visit, how much alone time and space they want vs. family activities. Talk to your daughter about what her girlfriend will call you and your husband, and whether a hug would be welcome as you greet each other. Let your daughter know that you are looking forward to meeting her girlfriend, and make sure she has told her girlfriend that you are supportive of their relationship.
It’s also ok to let your daughter know that you are a little nervous for the visit because you want this to go well. Ask her if she has any worries and for advice on avoiding faux pas. What does she hope the meeting will be like, and what are her expectations? Ask her if she has met her girlfriend’s parents and how that went, and how it could have been more comfortable for her.
Above all, try to remember what it was like meeting your significant others’ parents when you were dating, and having them meet your parents. If having your parents tell embarrassing stories about your childhood and showing photos taken during puberty was awkward, you know you should avoid that. You want to be friendly, welcoming, and supportive, but you know you shouldn’t overdo it. Be yourself. If yourself dresses in rainbows and has Pride flags all over the house, so be it, but don’t try too hard to make a big deal about this being a same-sex relationship. Show genuine interest in your daughter’s girlfriend, and strike a balance between being interested and grilling her with questions. She is probably more nervous than you are, as the outsider coming into your home. Don’t worry about being perfect—she’ll remember how you made her feel, not exactly what you said. Welcome her and make her feel accepted, and enjoy meeting this special person in your daughter’s life!
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“My four-year-old (they/them/theirs, for now) has been exploring gender and recently asked me to tell family members about it—including my fundamentalist Christian parents who babysit frequently. Is it necessary to have this conversation with my parents, especially since we still don’t know how our child may end up identifying? And if so, do you have advice on how to talk to my parents about this and ideas for good ground rules to have so my child is emotionally safe when they’re with their grandparents?”
Question Submitted Anonymously
Answered by Julie Tarney
Julie Says:
YES! It is absolutely necessary for you to talk to your parents. Here are three critically important reasons why you must have a conversation with them about your four-year-old’s exploration of gender.
1. Your child asked you to.
That request was child-speak for “sometimes I don’t feel good about myself when Grandpa and Grandma babysit me.” Something is going on during your parents’ babysitting hours that isn’t lining up with the confidence and freedom your child typically feels. With you, they’re allowed to be themselves; to play outside the lines of gender expectations and explore their sense of self. It sounds likely, however, that your parents are critical of your child’s gender exploration when the three of them are alone together. Given their fundamentalist Christian beliefs, your parents may be trying to enforce gender stereotypes or gendered ideas of how your child “should” be acting based on the constructed concepts of “boy” and “girl”. Maybe your child is hearing comments like, “those clothes really aren’t meant for you,” or “your hair looks silly like that.” Maybe they’re being told, “It’s wrong for you to want that toy.” Even worse, maybe your parents have said, “God doesn’t like it when you act like that.” Your child has asked you to intervene. They are counting on you for your unconditional love, support, and protection. They expect you to have their back.
2. Your child’s life is always about right now.
The decision to act on your child’s request does not depend on how they may end up identifying down the road. The only thing that matters is how your child is feeling right now. It sounds like your child is feeling distress when your parents babysit, so that must be your focus. No good can come now or later from the sense that the love of a family member is conditional. If your parents’ criticism and/or ridicule of your child are allowed to continue, your child may start to question if adults can be trusted. What’s more, if religion plays into that equation, then faith can become suspect too. It may be hard for your child to separate the loving God many preach from the judgemental God of others. Your four-year-old child’s present life is supposed to be fun, fabulous, and creative, so help them be happy in the now moments, as these will shape all future moments.
3. Your child’s emotional well-being depends on your intervention.
With frequent babysitting opportunities to be alone with your child, your parents may think they can “fix” your gender non-conforming child. However, the reality is that unsupportive, negative comments are both harmful and dangerous. A child made to feel shame about themself for their likes, dislikes, and preferences is a child at risk for low self-esteem and diminished self-worth. When those preferences may go on to form the core of their gender identity, it’s important to step in early. Shame, guilt, and other highly negative feelings can lead to more serious psychological distress.
A mental health study published in the May 2018 journal Pediatrics found a high prevalence of anxiety and depression among transgender and gender non-conforming children and adolescents. While an earlier study released in January 2018 also reported increased risks among those youth, it found that better family functioning is likely to be protective for those children. It is imperative that you intervene on behalf of your child and let your parents know their support is critical. That goes for all other family members, too, who may or may not be aware of your child’s exploration of gender. The concept may be new or challenging for them, but this is not about them.
Advice on how to talk to your parents:
This urgent conversation with your parents doesn’t have to be a scary confrontation. Start with a text or an email. Let them know you’d like to talk with them about your child when the child isn’t around. You can suggest getting together at their house or talking to them simultaneously on the phone.
When you do talk, be direct. Your child asked you to tell them about their gender exploration. Obviously, they’re already aware, but they need to know that their grandchild doesn’t feel understood or respected. Their grandchild is experiencing a natural stage of child development that requires their full support. That right there is the basis for your one and only ground rule:
Only positive messages and interactions with your child are allowed.
Be very clear, and then give them time to think it over. Let the choice be theirs. If they can’t agree to positive-only interactions, then they can no longer babysit. If they push back about why allowing your child to discover and express gender on their own terms is “wrong” or “unnatural,” just go back to the ground rule: only positive messages and interactions with your child are allowed. They are allowed their own opinions, but anything less than loving kindness and respect for your child won’t be tolerated.
When they do decide to accept the ground rule, let your child know you’ve had a talk with their grandparents. Assure them that your parents now understand what it means when a child explores gender expression. Then, unless you have a nanny cam, you’ll need to check in with your child. See how things are going when the grandparents babysit. Address any concerns immediately. Go back to the ground rule and the choice they have to continue babysitting or not.
There is, of course, the unfortunate scenario in which your parents won’t fully accept your child for who they are as a whole person. In that case, you can assure your child that while their grandparents love them, not all grownups “get it” when it comes to gender creativity. Explain that, for now, you think it’s important they wait to babysit until they can better understand.
No matter how it plays out with your parents or any other family member, continue to invite them along on your child’s gender journey. You can suggest websites, articles, and resource books on raising healthy gender nonconforming children, like Gender Born, Gender Made, for their continuing education. If they’re on Facebook, you can even recommend they watch the National Geographic documentary, Gender Revolution: A Journey with Katie Couric.
You are your child’s chief advocate. Draw strength from that. Show your child that how they feel and what they say matters. They are counting on you to hear them and take action. What are you waiting for? Talk to your parents.
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