#poly advice
I think one of the biggest reasons polyamorous relationships don’t always work out is because people seem to think being being polyamorous will magically cure jealousy and the presence of that emotion makes them Bad Partners. Jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion, and it’s something that can be worked through. Don’t be afraid to make your needs/wants/limits clear, but don’t completely disregard your partners needs/wants/limits either. Remember, it’s not healthy until you start communicating about it!
We are both poly, I’ve played with him on and off for years. He *was* my safe person, now he’s started playing with my ex who was very toxic for me. I’m hurt that he is seemingly throwing away my trust for someone he is not really into (he’s told me before she’s crazy). His Primary is my best friend, and we all live together. I don’t feel safe anymore around him, he feels tainted now. What do I do?
The concept of “safety” has gotten really twisted lately, and I would encourage you to do your best to untwist it.
There is no such thing as someone being “your safe person.” People are people, and they are independent, complicated, and fallible. It’s important for people to behave in ways that facilitate safety for others, but having a relational role in your life that you refer to as “my safe person” is not accurate, fair, or healthy.
Also, “feeling unsafe” and “being unsafe” are not the same thing. You say that you “don’t feel safe around him” and that he “feels tainted,” but can you articulate what, exactly, makes you less safe now that he has chosen to play with your ex? Was your ex a dangerous stalker who now knows where you live? Is he pressuring you to reconcile with her? Or is he just engaging with someone you don’t like?
You can feel uncomfortable about his choices, or disagree with them, or even wish he hadn’t made them - but none of that puts you at genuine risk. I personally don’t eat pre-cut melon, because the risk of salmonella squicks me out, but if someone else eats pre-cut melon, that’s not my problem. It might make me feel a little disgust or disapproval when I see it, but it does not actually impact my own health and safety.
Seeing people as “tainted” is also not healthy or meaningful, and you may need to reconsider how you manage your own emotions and perceptions. You have issues with this ex, but he does not have the same history of pain and toxic encounters with her. He is allowed to make his own choices, and they don’t have anything to do with you. He did not do this “to” you or “at” you.
That said, if you explicitly said to him: “I don’t want to play with anyone who is also playing with her,” and he made the choice to play with her, then you have clear information about whether he is willing to abide by your boundaries. You can certainly choose not to be involved with anyone who is involved with her, but that is YOUR choice, not something he is doing TO you. If you are too uncomfortable to continue playing with him, that’s fine! But it’s not because he has made himself inherently unsafe or “tainted,” it’s because you are responsible for your own relationship choices.
