#polyamory and mental health
I can’t seem to handle being polyam. I can’t stand my bf being with other people. The stuff from the past was harmful, things we both did to each other. I can’t get the negative view of my bf out of the back of my mind, he isn’t that person anymore but I haven’t been able to unsee it anymore. I used to want to explore with other people sexually but I feel as if I only want him, I don’t think polyam is for me anymore. But it is for my bf. And it hurts so bad because I love him so much. But I have a mental breakdown everytime he goes out. He does everything right honestly. But I can’t stop over thinking and catastrophizing. I hate myself and I fear he will leave me for someone else. I keep comparing myself to people he has sex with. Once I get in that mindset I can’t get out. I have problems with anxiety and depression both severe. I’m on meds and have been for 2 years but I can’t find one that works. I don’t want to yell at him or be rude or make him feel bad but idk what to do. I’m in therapy but I hate it and need to find a new therapist but I can’t until my new insurance kicks in. I want to be better but I don’t know where to start I feel so lost I feel alone I feel like I’m drowning in my own self hatred. I know I’m mentally ill and I’m trying to do things right but nothing seems to be working. I realized very recently that I said hurtful things to my bf because I wanted him to hurt how I did, how he hurt me. Which is utterly wrong and disgusting of me. He isn’t that person anymore. He’s great to me and I don’t deserve him. I don’t know what to do.
It sounds like polyamory just isn’t healthy for you. Maybe it could be under different circumstances, after finding the right therapist or the right medication cocktail, but that’s not really relevant. No one is obligated to “therapize” themselves into being okay with something that feels painful or unpleasant.
A relationship should help you feel like your best self. If you’re in a situation that’s triggering you into behaviors you feel are “utterly wrong and disgusting,” that’s not okay.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you didn’t try hard enough to be in a polyamorous relationship. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend, either. It just means the circumstances aren’t working for you, and that you two aren’t compatible.
Imagine if two people were dating, and one person got the dream research gig up in the Arctic. Their partner thought they could handle moving up there, and that it would be a fun adventure and worth it to stay with their partner. But once they got there, the freezing temperatures and long dark nights took an immense toll on their mental health. It doesn’t mean that they had failed, or that they were wrong to try. It does, however, mean that now they have more information about whether that arrangement would work for them, and that they need to leave the Arctic so they can live their best life and be happy and healthy.
I wish you good luck finding a therapist you can work with and continuing your journey to live a life that feels fulfilling. Part of that journey is figuring out what helps you be your best self and live your best life, and then acting on that information. It sounds like staying in a polyamorous relationship isn’t right for you at this time. Ending things with your boyfriend will hurt, but it will free you to pursue a relationship that’s going to meet your needs and help you grow.
One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when she’s anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where we’re just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer we’re together, the harder I’m finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so I’m often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).
This isn’t something she’s asked me to do, and when I’ve brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that I’m not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when she’s feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because she’s tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isn’t actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic haven’t been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying she’s a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.
How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I don’t want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like I’d rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if she’s snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.
Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So I’m not trying to minimize or victim blame here.
However.
Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for what’s going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we ‘can’t help it’ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.
It’s not cool to snap at your partner. It’s not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when we’re anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.
Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel “hyper vigilant.” That’s not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when you’re around your partner. Period.
I understand that you want to be someone she can be “comfortable” with and not feel the pressure to “bottle up” or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesn’t sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like she’s meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.
It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and it’s not fair. You’re putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.
Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like she’s actually trying (whether or not she’s being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between “I feel anxious” and “I feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.” Your job here is to develop some “vibe shields” that can reduce your “absorbency.”
Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partner’s anxiety and you shouldn’t be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesn’t want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.
Practice adopting the mindset of “I wish unsubscribe from this material” or “This is not my department.” Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.
Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energyanddoing your best not to take on her emotions - then you’ll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem can’t be resolved between you two, then you’ll need to think about whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship that’s making you feel like this.
as of about 5 months ago, I entered into a poly relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Since starting the relationship, we’ve agreed to become a triad, so her boyfriend is now also my partner.
I’m basically really struggling with relationship anxiety. I’m trying to be quite proactive about it both with myself - journalling, practicing mindfulness, using CBT to interrupt harmful thought patterns - and with both of them - telling them how I feel, when I’m anxious, what I need when I need it. But I still get this feeling like I’m going to be feeling anxious forever? It’s hard finding advice online that relates to specifically poly relationships.
This isn’t my first poly relationship, and it’s weird because in my previous one I didn’t get any of this anxiety. I think, strangely, it might be because this one is actually healthier than the last? We have scheduled meetings, we discuss the relationship often, which I never have before. Although I know it’s good and valuable, sometimes bringing up something I need or have been thinking about fills me with dread. I do try and push through that, in a kind of exposure therapy way, but I feel bad because every time I bring something up I end up crying. I know it’s important to work through that, but often these situations just compound on my anxiety in the heat of the moment - not only am I anxious about whatever I’m bringing up, but also anxious about myself crying and perhaps making my partners feel guilty about whatever I’m asking for, perhaps forcing themselves into something they don’t want.
I trust both my partners and one of the mantras I come back to again and again is that if there was something wrong they would tell me. And that it’s not all my responsibility to make this relationship work - all I can do is be honest about how I’m feeling and trust they will be too. But at times the anxiety feels really all-consuming and I get this feeling like it’s kind of ruining the relationship.
I suppose my question, after all of this, is whether anyone else has any experience with relationship anxiety within poly relationships? Does it get better? I feel like I’m flying blind. And although I know I can talk to my partners about it, and I do, I think I’m feeling a need for a space or conversation outside of the relationship because of what I mentioned before about compounded anxiety.
There’s a lot of advice out there about how anxiety is made worse by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, and there’s also a lot of advice out there that says you should bring things up with your partners and talk through them in order to resolve problems like this.
It sounds like you’ve been getting, and taking, a lot of that advice, so I won’t repeat it here. I do want to give you MAJOR kudos for doing all this self-work, for not letting your anxiety hold you back from important relationship conversations, for using CBT and mindfulness and all those other tools. Definitely keep doing that, and be proud of yourself for doing it!
At the same time, there is such thing as “too much of a good thing.” In some cases, an over-emphasis on “processing” and “talking things out” can make a problem worse rather than better. It’s possible that having scheduled meetings and feeling like you need to hash out and give voice to every single negative emotion is causing you to ruminate on them more than necessary. Sometimes it’s okay to just let feelings and experiences pass without giving language to them, constructing a narrative around them, and seeking solutions or reassurance or validation after the fact.
So, if you think it would help, consider scaling back on all these conversations - not because you are indulging your anxiety, but just because they might not be all that necessary. See what it’s like to just let the relationship be what it is, and bring things up organically as you feel they need to be addressed rather than scheduling meetings. (If you think this advice is off base, feel free to ignore it!)
Also, one key thing to note that if you are dealing with this sort of chronic, long-term anxiety that doesn’t seem to go away even when you’re doing everything right - engaging in healthy behaviors, cultivating healthy relationships - that is exactly the sort of situation that medication was meant for! You might not be able to Mantra and Mindfulness your way out of this, nor do you have to. This might not be an issue with polyamory or your relationships at all, and you can find support outside of focusing on How To Be Better At Polyamory By Brute Force. Consider working with a mental healthcare professional to find ways to make things easier on yourself.
If you find yourself crying during hard conversations, but you don’t want your partners to focus on your crying and feel like it distracts from the issue you’re trying to discuss, you can also write them letters or emails to express things. That way you can say what you want to say without having to worry about managing your emotional reactions. A lot of people emphasize the importance of “face to face” conversations, but it sounds like these scheduled meetings and frequent emotional check-ins are making things harder, not easier, for you. See if it works for you and your partners to chat more casually over a text-based platform or for you to share writing with them that expresses how you feel.
Another piece of advice I have is, if you are going to keep having these structured discussions, try to set goals or intentions for the conversation going forward. If you’re not asking them to change anything about their behavior, but you just want to share your feelings and be heard, state that up front. If you are asking a specific question you want an honest answer for, or if you are bringing up a problem you want to find a solution for, let them know. Don’t just set aside an hour to talk about feelings and relationship stuff, and then spiral around and around. I’ve seen this happen a LOT, and even with the best of intentions, it tends to cause more problems than it solves.
Finally, you asked if anyone has experience with this and whether it gets better: I can only speak for myself, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (a pretty severe case, too) and I can tell you that, yes, this type of anxiety is possible to manage. It is not, however, fully manageable or treatable by focusing on it in lots of relationship conversations. Sometimes, paradoxically, the harder you try to solve a problem like this, the worse it gets. You also need some distractions, self-soothing techniques, and just fun quality time with yourself and your partners. You might also need therapy (not focused on your relationship, but for anxiety management in general) and medication.
As for finding places to talk about this outside of your partners, that’s a great idea - a place to vent, process, ask questions, etc. without placing extra demands on the relationship. I’d recommend checking out some online spaces for polyamorous people (you can find some here.) However, know that anxious or negative thoughts can be reinforced by going over them multiple times, describing them, sharing them with others, etc. So be very careful about how you spend your time in these communities. Are you mostly expressing your painful thoughts, hanging out in the “vent” channels, and giving language to your anxiety? Or are you seeking friendship, connection, and advice?
In general, my advice is to try and let go of your anxiety-about-your-anxiety. Stop treating it like a problem that can be solved with more time, more attention, and more work. Lean in to the things that make you happy in this relationship, and know that you don’t have to ‘address’ every anxious feeling. Find ways to make these relationship conversations easier for yourself (set intentions, do things in writing, scale back on them) and trust your future self to handle things as they arise.
