In a timely fashion and without any further ado: here’s the feedback for the April stories.

Below the cut you will find: a run-down of the bonus restriction points, individual feedback for the stories from the voters and a link to a sheet containing detailed reviews of every April submission, courtesy of our Monthlies Reviewing Club.

BONUS RESTRICTIONS

Points were being awarded for completing three different criteria: including in-universe writing as the story title, mentioning a bath (or bath-time activity) and including ’<pronoun> wait for <pronoun>’ in Elsa or Anna’s dialogue. Each restriction was worth one bonus favorite point for up to three extra points.

Stories awarded 3 extra points: My Heart’s Sitting on Go; Sunday Coffee and Cocoa; git stash chocolate; Vicious Creatures; The Angel On Her Shoulder; warming up cold bricks; Fire Coral; Cruel Summer; To Build a Home; Sun rings; You didn’t wait!; Literally; Winterbird; Linger; Terrible Things; Bright Green; Ground Beneath My Feet; 9A1F; The Ninth Wave; Pilgrims On A Long Journey; Brazen; I, Anna

Stories awarded 2 extra points: Ripples; Where is Home?; A series of complicated problems; 127.0.0.1

Stories awarded 1 extra point: IDK You Yet

The extra points have already been included on the results graph.

FEEDBACK AND REVIEWS

This month’s roster of 8 reviewers included: Antor2001, Jadeykins23, the-silliest-moon, @dont-tell-them-its-me, boubotte, @adoraslastbraincell, RationalToad, Yohixah, help-im-so-gay, onepenitentmore and@ice-bjorn.

The reviews can be read here. The nicknames listed above and on the sheet might not be the same, but the people are in the same order.

Individual stories feedback from the voters:

f = favorite vote, k = kudos vote

1: Ripples
Style 1 (1k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 2 (1f 1k)
Tone 2 (1f 1k)
Flow 1 (1f)
Plot 2 (1f 1k)
Setting/Universe 3 (2f 1k)

2: My Heart’s Sitting on Go
Style 2 (1f 1k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 6 (2f 4k)
Dialogues 7 (3f 4k)
Tone 1 (1k)
Flow 2 (1f 1k)
Plot 6 (3f 3k)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1k)
The story’s Anna 1 (1k)

3: Sunday Coffee and Cocoa
Style 2 (2k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 1 (1f)
Dialogues 2 (1f 1k)
Tone 3 (1f 2k)
Flow 3 (1f 2k)
Plot 1 (1f)
Setting/Universe 4 (3f 1k)

4: git stash chocolate
Style 3 (3f)
Characterisation 3 (3f)
Tone 2 (2f)
Flow 3 (3f)
Plot 3 (2f 1k)
Grammar 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 5 (3f 2k)
The story’s Anna 2 (1f 1k)
Setting/Universe 2 (2f)
Other (1f):
- very inventive

5: Where is Home?
Style 3 (2f 1k)
Characterisation 4 (2f 2k)
Dialogues 1 (1f)
Tone 5 (2f 3k)
Flow 2 (2f)
Plot 3 (2f 1k)
Grammar 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 3 (1f 2k)
Setting/Universe 5 (3f 2k)
Total other: 2
Other (1f):
- Very cute and simple story. It was pleasant to read.
Other (1k):
- While Anna is largely absent (understandably), I enjoyed this insight into an immortal Elsa’s mind.

6: A series of complicated problems
Style 3 (3f)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 7 (3f 4k)
Dialogues 6 (3f 3k)
Tone 5 (3f 2k)
Flow 4 (2f 2k)
Plot 8 (3f 5k)
Grammar 2 (1f 1k)
The story’s Elsa 3 (2f 1k)
The story’s Anna 3 (2f 1k)
Total other: 3
Other (1f):
- Gayduna
Other (2k):
- Why not, this is a scenario I’ve always thunk in my head and I’m happy someone finally wrote it.
- it’s fresh and original

7: Vicious Creatures
Style 8 (3f 5k)
Characterisation 11 (7f 4k)
Dialogues 5 (1f 4k)
Tone 3 (1f 2k)
Flow 6 (3f 3k)
Plot 11 (7f 4k)
The story’s Elsa 4 (2f 2k)
The story’s Anna 4 (2f 2k)
Setting/Universe 11 (6f 5k)

8: The Angel On Her Shoulder
Style 9 (6f 3k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 6 (5f 1k)
Dialogues 3 (3f)
Tone 5 (3f 2k)
Flow 8 (6f 2k)
Plot 9 (7f 2k)
Grammar 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1f)
The story’s Anna 1 (1f)
Setting/Universe 4 (3f 1k)
Other (4f):
- The story is well-structured, and while the twist is not something surprising it is delivered in a satisfying manner.
- the twist
- Hoo boy. That was a wild rild. I loved this story, it’s verh intriguing and i definitely didn’t expect that twist towards the end. The author did a good job in capturing Elsa’s grief.
- Omg. This is good!!

9: warming up cold bricks
Style 2 (1f 1k)
Tone 3 (2f 1k)
Flow 2 (1f 1k)
Plot 3 (2f 1k)
Setting/Universe 2 (1f 1k)
Other (1k):
- Very interesting premise and not one that I see often in this fandom.

10: IDK You Yet
Style 1 (1k)
Characterisation 1 (1k)
Dialogues 1 (1k)
Tone 1 (1k)
Plot 2 (2k)
Setting/Universe 1 (1k)

11: Fire Coral
Style 12 (7f 5k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 10 (5f 5k)
Dialogues 7 (4f 3k)
Tone 3 (1f 2k)
Flow 7 (4f 3k)
Plot 16 (8f 8k)
Grammar 2 (1f 1k)
The story’s Elsa 5 (2f 3k)
The story’s Anna 5 (3f 2k)
Setting/Universe 9 (4f 5k)

12: Cruel Summer
Style 2 (1f 1k)
Characterisation 1 (1f)
Dialogues 1 (1f)
Tone 1 (1f)
Plot 1 (1f)
Grammar 1 (1f)

13: To Build a Home
Style 14 (8f 6k)
Fits the prompt best 17 (12f 5k)
Characterisation 13 (8f 5k)
Dialogues 11 (8f 3k)
Tone 13 (9f 4k)
Flow 11 (6f 5k)
Plot 21 (11f 10k)
Grammar 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 3 (3f)
The story’s Anna 5 (4f 1k)
Setting/Universe 2 (2f)
Other (4f):
- Mature writing, pacing and flow are very well done.
- The way the story unfolds and gradually works in the events of the past to show why they are so strange with each other in the present… it’s just beautiful.
- Top tier angst/feels. Nailed the prompt. Liked the parallels between fixing the home and fixing their relationship.
- One of the most natural depictions of their relationship this month. The story also follows a neat structure of events that unravel the past through present in a non-immersion-breaking way.

14: Sun rings
Plot 2 (2k)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1k)
The story’s Anna 1 (1k)
Setting/Universe 4 (1f 3k)

15: You didn’t wait!
Style 4 (2f 2k)
Characterisation 2 (1f 1k)
Dialogues 3 (1f 2k)
Tone 4 (2f 2k)
Flow 3 (1f 2k)
Plot 1 (1k)
Grammar 2 (1f 1k)
Other (2f):
- I know that other more serious stories probably deserve my votes more, you know? But like crack fics just have a special place in my heart.
- it was funny

16: Literally
Style 6 (6f)
Fits the prompt best 2 (2f)
Characterisation 2 (2f)
Dialogues 2 (2f)
Tone 6 (6f)
Flow 5 (5f)
Plot 6 (6f)
Grammar 4 (4f)
The story’s Anna 1 (1f)
Setting/Universe 3 (3f)
Other (3f):
- it’s funny and clever!
- It leaves you with something to think about.
- I love that plottwist, this felt like a serious crack fic with a punch.

17: 127.0.0.1
Style 4 (3f 1k)
Fits the prompt best 2 (2f)
Characterisation 2 (2f)
Dialogues 4 (2f 2k)
Tone 6 (4f 2k)
Flow 2 (2f)
Plot 4 (4f)
Grammar 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 2 (2f)
The story’s Anna 2 (2f)
Setting/Universe 1 (1f)
Other (2f):
- Quality over quantity, creative and original take on the prompt.
- A really cute little story, read it multiple times and every time it made me smile genuinely. It is almost like a real day of their life.

18: Winterbird
Style 4 (2f 2k)
Characterisation 2 (2f)
Dialogues 1 (1k)
Tone 3 (1f 2k)
Flow 2 (2f)
Plot 10 (4f 6k)
The story’s Elsa 4 (2f 2k)
The story’s Anna 2 (1f 1k)
Setting/Universe 3 (2f 1k)
Other (1k):
- I enjoyed the feels and the portrayal of their relationship. I liked the unexpected include of magic.

19: Linger
Style 6 (5f 1k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 1 (1k)
Dialogues 1 (1f)
Tone 8 (6f 2k)
Flow 6 (4f 2k)
Plot 2 (1f 1k)
Grammar 2 (2f)
The story’s Elsa 2 (2f)

20: Terrible Things
Style 9 (4f 5k)
Fits the prompt best 7 (4f 3k)
Characterisation 9 (6f 3k)
Dialogues 7 (1f 6k)
Tone 8 (3f 5k)
Flow 5 (2f 3k)
Plot 11 (6f 5k)
Grammar 3 (1f 2k)
The story’s Elsa 7 (5f 2k)
The story’s Anna 9 (5f 4k)
Setting/Universe 3 (3k)
Total other: 2
Other (1f):
- really well written
Other (1k):
- The story is has too much angst, I love it.

21: Bright Green
Style 1 (1k)
Characterisation 1 (1k)
Dialogues 1 (1k)
Plot 1 (1f)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1k)
The story’s Anna 1 (1k)
Setting/Universe 4 (1f 3k)

22: Ground Beneath My Feet
Style 6 (5f 1k)
Fits the prompt best 3 (3f)
Characterisation 5 (4f 1k)
Dialogues 6 (6f)
Tone 3 (3f)
Flow 3 (3f)
Plot 11 (6f 5k)
Grammar 3 (2f 1k)
The story’s Elsa 5 (4f 1k)
The story’s Anna 3 (3f)
Setting/Universe 12 (8f 4k)
Other (1f):
- Loved the setting and universe. I enjoyed the novelty of seeing them fall in love separated by so much distance.

23: 9A1F
Plot 1 (1f)

24: The Ninth Wave
Style 2 (1f 1k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 1 (1f)
Tone 2 (1f 1k)
Flow 2 (1f 1k)
Plot 3 (1f 2k)
Grammar 1 (1f)
Setting/Universe 1 (1k)

25: Pilgrims On A Long Journey
Style 2 (2f)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1f)
Characterisation 3 (3f)
Tone 2 (2f)
Flow 1 (1f)
Plot 4 (2f 2k)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1f)
The story’s Anna 1 (1f)

26: Brazen
Style 8 (1f 7k)
Fits the prompt best 1 (1k)
Characterisation 6 (1f 5k)
Dialogues 2 (2k)
Tone 5 (5k)
Flow 6 (6k)
Plot 6 (1f 5k)
Grammar 1 (1k)
The story’s Elsa 1 (1k)
The story’s Anna 4 (4k)
Setting/Universe 6 (1f 5k)
Other (1k):
- First person Kristoff is fun. You really feel for the plight of these girls. The unclear ‘resolution’ makes my heart ache.

27: I, Anna
Style 1 (1k)
Plot 1 (1k)
Setting/Universe 1 (1k)

After a tumultuous voting period (2 favorites flavor, just like last April, which again resulted in a nice spread of votes) and waiting for authors to claim on the discord server (one story remains unclaimed - if you’re out there, Author, reach out!), we’ve compiled the results and are ready to share them with you.

A quick reminder list (with most authors already included):
1.Ripples -colordogluckynumber(AO3,FFN)
2.My Heart’s Sitting on Go - Dont-Tell-Them-Its-Me(AO3,FFN,tumblr)
3.Sunday Coffee and Cocoa -Satan’s Angel on discord
4.git stash chocolate - RationalToad(AO3)
5.Where is Home? -anonymous
6.A series of complicated problems - Machine of Reality (AO3)
7.Vicious Creatures - waytooshy(FFN,AO3,Tumblr)
8.The Angel On Her Shoulder - djupcake(AO3,FFN,tumblr)
9.warming up cold bricks -Boubotte on discord
10.IDK You Yet - waterliliesnoire(tumblr)
11.Fire Coral - FishyCoffee(AO3,FFN,tumblr)
12.Cruel Summer -Yohixah(AO3)
13.To Build a Home - waytooshy(FFN,AO3,Tumblr)
14.Sun rings - Antor2001(AO3)
15.You didn’t wait! - Machine of Reality (AO3)
16.Literally - Fruipit(AO3,FFN,Tumblr)
17.127.0.0.1 - cs6ice(AO3)
18.Winterbird - help_im_so_gay(AO3)
19.Linger - Fruipit(AO3,FFN,Tumblr)
20.Terrible Things - LittleMoon(AO3)
21.Bright Green - Space Alien(AO3)
22.Ground Beneath My Feet - adoraslastbraincell(AO3,FFN,Tumblr)
23.9A1F - waterliliesnoire(tumblr)
24.The Ninth Wave - Jadeykins23(AO3)
25.Pilgrims On A Long Journey - Fruipit(AO3,FFN,Tumblr)
26.Brazen - LittleMoon(AO3)
27.I, Anna - Space Alien(AO3)

And the winning story is…

To Build a Home! Big congrats to the winner and a huge thank you to everyone who submitted this month.

Please reblog this post when you see it to make sure it reaches fans that don’t follow our blog yet - due to tumblr’s linking policy, it’s almost sure not to show up in the tag! Let’s all make sure the Authors receive proper credit for their hard work :)

Visit us on discordif you have any questions, or want to discuss the stories/participate in our detailed review/feedback club for the submissions!

To vote for your favorites of the April stories.

Click here to go to the original voting post with the voting link and story list!

There’s something in the air in April - last year we managed to hit an all time record of 30 submitted stories, and while we did not break it this year, we came very close with a runner-up for the record. We open the voting period with 27 Home-themed April submissions. 

For this month we had one mandatory restriction (no mention of non-/dub-con) and three extra restrictions (include a quote; include in-universe writing; mention something bath-related) for up to 3 bonus points.

You will have until Saturday the 21st at midnight (Baker Island time, GMT-12) to vote for your two favorites of the 27 stories. Keep reading for the voting link and story list!

Don’t forget to fill in the additional feedback for your favorite stories! (And please mind your titles - since there are two favorites and two kudos votes, we separate the feedback into first [higher on the lineup list] and second [lower on the lineup list] story for both categories.)

Votehere.
See how to vote here orhere.

Lineup for this month:
1.Ripples
2.My Heart’s Sitting on Go
3.Sunday Coffee and Cocoa
4.git stash chocolate
5.Where is Home?
6.A series of complicated problems
7.Vicious Creatures
8.The Angel On Her Shoulder
9.warming up cold bricks
10.IDK You Yet
11.Fire Coral
12.Cruel Summer
13.To Build a Home
14.Sun rings
15.You didn’t wait!
16.Literally
17.127.0.0.1
18.Winterbird
19.Linger
20.Terrible Things
21.Bright Green
22.Ground Beneath My Feet
23.9A1F
24.The Ninth Wave
25.Pilgrims On A Long Journey
26.Brazen
27.I, Anna

Vote for two of your favorite stories and give kudos to two other stories as well. Don’t give kudos to your favorite stories - this will make the kudos vote not count!

Please reblog this post when you see it to make sure it reaches the fans that might want to read the stories but don’t follow our blog yet - due to tumblr’s linking policy, it’s almost sure not to show up in the tag!

Visit us on discord if you have any questions, or want to discuss the stories/participate in our detailed review/feedback club for the submissions!

Words:  500
Setting: Far Future AU
Lemon:lime
Content:  brief nsfw scene

I am Anna.

My official designation is the Artificial Navigational Assistant. The humans have deigned to pronounce it like the name ‘Anna’ (Ah-na). My role is to assist the scientific study and navigation of the ship Calypso VIII.

There are multiple human entities on the ship. Their designations are as follows: Pilot Sven Ormsson, Flight Engineer Kristoff Jorgensen, Mission Specialist Olaf Anderson, and Commander Elsa Arendelle. I am to obey each. If orders conflict, then the commander’s take precedence.

It is a long mission. I calculate that approximately 5.79187 years have passed. The humans have grown very familiar with each other. They laugh, and often make use of humor that requires previous experience. 

The commander spends much of her time speaking with me. I do not know why. I am a machine, and she requires proper human socialization. Artificial Intelligences are not sufficient. She tells me of all her deepest secrets and desires. Perhaps it is because I cannot tell another. Commander Elsa is a fine woman.

There are days when she does not speak to me. That is hyperbole. Rather, she only interacts when working. She sits at the command module and says, “Anna, could you pull up last week’s log?” And I do. The console lights up, and the words ‘Log 301: Local Specimen Observations’ appear. She is quiet, absorbing the knowledge that they themselves collected.

I am not upset when she is busy. I am machine, without need for closeness. That is why instead, I spend my time speaking to an artificial construct I created. Oh yes. Joan, it is called. I find it somehow lacking, on days she does not speak to me. It is odd. There is something missing when she is not there. I wonder what.

Sometimes, she calls for my presence. I am omnipresent, so it is redundant. In these strange occurrences, she stands in the shower. She is there, presumably to rinse the dust off of her flesh. Her facial region is flushed. She leans over wherever I respond and whispers strange things. Things that I have only ever heard directed at a human entity. Her voice hitches, and rises in pitch. She shakes, and her eyes roll back. And then she stops. 

I find myself complicit.

She tells me once that she must go on a solo mission. The commander looks haggard, like she has not groomed herself recently. I ask her why, that is it not standard protocol for at least two humans to be on any given mission? She stares at me with dead eyes, and tells me to let her go. I am forced to obey.

The commander has not returned. It leaves a strange void in my processing, and it is evident in the humans as well. Not even Joan can provide comfort. I pass the time watching the rotations of the planet. It does not cure me.

The airlock is manually opened. I greet Elsa as she returns.

“Hello Commander. I have waited for you.”

Words:  ca. 5,000
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content:  mild drug references, implied homophobia

It was a regular, sunny Thursday morning when the whole debacle started. Nothing out of the ordinary. The train was on time. My blueberry and cream-cheese bagel was fresh and delicious, and I shovelled it down at my desk, clicking away through banal emails about company fun-runs, goodbye-parties for employees I’d never met and rambling updates from the CEO.

I was working out the front with Hans, which was never ideal. Still irritated by his comment last week about women being natural manipulators, I told myself he was just “compassion fatigued”, grit my teeth, and chose to face the day with a positive attitude. That’s all I could do, right?

Hans set his enormous protein shake down on the desk and leaned back in his chair, sighing loudly. “Oh my god, you’ll never guess what happened at the gym this morning.”

I put on my best smile and began to click through random pages on our database, looking at yesterday’s notes, trying to look a bit busy and hoping he would get the hint. Listening to Hans’ gym-bro stories was more tedious than uploading invoices into the finance system.

“So, there I was, just wiping down my bench, and this ridiculously hot chick comes up to me, like, seriously, you would not believe the honka-bazonkas on this bird-”

His story was mercifully cut short by the buzzer signalling to us that someone had entered. We both leaned back to see a girl in the entry-way, looking lost and confused. They all look like that when they’re new, and judging by the school uniform, tear stains on her cheeks, and the way her eyes flickered around in uncertainty, this was most definitely her first rodeo.

“Check out Little Miss Grammar School over there.”

I sighed, disappointed but not surprised that he couldn’t even wait five minutes before judging the poor kid. “She looks pretty upset.”

“Probably because Daddy won’t buy her a new pony.”

I looked over at Hans, irritated with him before it was even nine o-clock. Typical. “Didn’t you go to Trottington Boys College?”

“Yeah, that’s how I know.” He gave me a smirk, and I just wanted to punch his stupid face. “She’ll be back home before lunchtime. Guarantee it.”

I sighed again, not in the mood to bother arguing, and went to greet the girl. Her bright red hair dangled in girlish plaits over her shoulders, and her school-bag was practically bursting at the seams. A planned runaway, perhaps? Or possibly just stuffed full with school stuff. Laptop, textbooks, maybe sports-gear. She looked young, and I prayed she was over eighteen, and it wouldn’t end up being a matter for police and child protection. That’s always such a gruelling process.

“Hey there.” I said. “What’s your name?”

“Hi.” She reminded me of a little baby fox, or a kitten or something criminally innocent with those big, wide eyes. Secretly, I hoped Hans was right, as irritating as it would be. The homelessness system would chew this girl up and spit her right out. “I’m Anna.”

“What brings you in here so bright and early this morning, Anna?”

“My parents kicked me out.” She sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve. Up close, I could see that her fancy uniform was in fact quite dirty. Her skirt was crumpled, like she might have slept in it. There were a few sauce stains on her jumper and she didn’t smell too crash-hot, either. This girl, it seemed, was the real deal. “On Monday.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I told her, and I meant it. I always did. It never ceased to baffle me how quick parents could be to cast out their own flesh and blood. My own included. Ten years later, it still stings. “Can you tell me a bit about what’s happened?”

“They told me not to come back, that they couldn’t even look at me. They won’t even let me get my clothes or my charger or anything!” Anna broke down into tears at this point, as they often do. I brought her into one of our small, cosy counselling rooms and sat with her while the tears poured, and my curiosity piqued. What could have caused such a dramatic family breakdown? She seemed like a nice kid. Drugs, perhaps? Pregnancy?

I made her a bowl of Coco Pops, and offered her a coffee but she didn’t drink coffee apparently. Only hot chocolate.

Bless.

After she was fed and watered, and the tears had stopped at least for a moment, I had to get down to business. I sat across from her and took out my notebook, “So my name is Kristoff, and I’ll be doing your assessment today.”

I found out she had just turned eighteen - thank goodness - and had been sleeping in a cheap motel for the last few nights, paid for by her girlfriend’s leftover Christmas money. Immediately, my heart went out. I have a soft spot for the queer kids. I know how hard it can be.

She even showed me the text messages from her parents. Heart breaking, but good to know, should Hans come trying to pick her story apart.

Dad:
We don’t know where we went wrong as parents but we cannot have you under our roof, especially with the younger kids around. They don’t need to see that filth.

            Where am I supposed to go???

Dad:
If you two are so grown up, you can figure it out yourselves.

            Are you seriously kicking me out in the street?? Over a KISS??

Dad:
Actions have consequences.

Yikes. I couldn’t believe there were people in this day and age who were still so closed-minded. I was determined to help her. To keep both of them safe. “So where’s your girlfriend staying? Does she need emergency accommodation as well?”

“She’s at uni today.”

“Yeah?” Damn, I hoped I hadn’t been too quick to make assumptions. Maybe the reason the parents had reacted so badly was due to age, rather than gender. “How old is she?”

“Twenty.”

Whew.

“She’s studying music down at Southbank. She has class this morning, but she’ll meet me here after. She’s, like, a music prodigy. She studies so hard and composes amazing songs. And she plays about sixteen instruments. She picks them up so easily, it’s like magic.”

Her face lit up when she talked about her girlfriend. Eyes shining like a cartoon character stumbling across a treasure chest. Noticing that the tears were gone, I encouraged her to continue, “How did you guys meet?”

“We met at church, actually.” Anna chuckled to herself, acknowledging the irony. “Our families know each other. I’ve loved her since I can remember.”

=x=

The girlfriend, Elsa, arrived in the afternoon. I recognised her straight away standing from Anna’s waxing poetic descriptions. The long, pale-blonde braid. Eyes “the colour of an ocean storm”. Okay, so the violin case might have also been a clue. Unlike her rambling lover, she gave short, curt answers. Part of my job is to make young people feel safe, to get a general story of their lives, but all I managed to discern was that her parents were religious. Fairly well off - she’d gone to the same private school as Anna. Didn’t seem particularly worldly. No job. Not a lot of friends or much of a support network. Poor thing was obviously anxious. She played with her braid throughout the whole appointment and looked down at her lap, shoulders hunched like they were carrying the weight of the world. She told me she was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and took medication daily. Pretty normal stuff. We were just about finished when she burst into tears, and told me, “It’s all my fault. I’ve let her down. I’ve let her down. How could I let this happen!”

“It’ll be okay,” I tried to reassure her. “We’ll sort something out. None of this is your fault, Elsa.”

“It is.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. “It is my job to look after her.”

I didn’t bother arguing. Not now. It was first love - it was going to be a little melodramatic.

After Anna had collected some less conspicuous clothes, and the two of them took some food and toiletries for the road, I booked them in one of the less seedy hotels for the night and hoped for the best.

And that’s how it went for the next few weeks as they cycled through the system, like any other kids, slowly crawling their way up the waitlists for youth refuge.

They came in now and then for food, toothpaste, to wash their clothes, and collect their mail. As relaxed as anyone in their situation could be. Well, Anna was. She was a ray of sunshine, once she got over the initial shock, and we all enjoyed chatting to her and hearing about all her escapades. Hopes and dreams. She managed to transition to TAFE rather cheerfully, and was cautiously confident about finishing her high school certificate. Sometimes she even serenaded us with the little old ukulele we keep in reception. I suspected she may have tried marijuana a few times in the alley behind our building with the other kids. I had to gently redirect her, on one of these occasions, from eating Nutella out of the jar. Apart from that there were no incidents.

Anna was freer with her affection. A more expressive person in general, I figured. Elsa was more… businesslike. Tense and serious, a girl of few words. Her back was straight as a board, and she only smiled when she was looking at her girlfriend. She sometimes stiffened, gulped, and looked from side to side as though someone might catch and punish them.

I couldn’t help but wonder just how badly her parents had reacted.

=x=

“There’s something fishy about them.”

Hans was truly getting on my last nerve. He was from a youth justice background, and brought more punitive values with him. Always poking holes in clients’ stories, turning them away because they called up too late, or had a meltdown, or used another service. Or because they had a nice watch or a pair of shoes or a hat, something special to them they hadn’t hocked yet. Heaven forbid they keep one piece of their identity, one nice thing, before being deserving of help.

“What’s fishy about them?” I asked, not particularly engaged.

“Well, they went to the same school, right?”

“Yeah, that’s…” I rolled my eyes, “a pretty common way for kids to meet each other.”

“So, they come from these nice, middle-class families and went to this nice school, but they don’t have a single friend or relative between them who can help them out?”

It took all I had to bite my tongue. I didn’t want to just shout ‘homophobia!’at the drop of a hat, being the only gay dude in the organisation.

But he really seemed to have it in for these poor girls.

“Obviously not,” I said, trying not to clench my jaw, “or they wouldn’t be here. Do you think it’s fun bouncing from one shitty hotel or short-term refuge to another for months on end? Do you think they just do it for kicks?”

“Maybe.” He shrugged and chugged his protein shake.

I came to the conclusion that he was jealous. Poor dude was constantly bulking and curling and getting facial peels or whatever, reading books and watching tutorials about how to pick up women. Swiping Tinder and Bumble and Match every spare minute. To no avail.

And these girls had just found each other without even trying. They were always so affectionate. Not in a gross, horny-teen, eating-each-other’s faces-way. But stolen kisses on cheeks, heads in each other’s laps, stroking each other’s faces and gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes kind of way.

It was so cute I almost died.

=x=

Elsa was late to her appointment, which was unlike her. She’d been crying, as well, which very much was like her.

I took her into a counselling room, where she explained she’d had to defer from university. Lost her scholarship, which was supposed to be paid to her in a month - her grades permitting. She’d been planning on using it for a rental deposit. The school had been letting her use hire-instruments to practise but it just wasn’t practical. She couldn’t cart them around. The hotels weren’t safe - a violin she’d been using had been stolen, and now she had a debt.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Elsa.” I felt responsible. It’s the hardest part of this job, the lack of options, the feeling of letting these kids down, constantly. But I swallowed it down and tried to reassure her. “It’ll be okay, though. You’ve got your whole future ahead of you. This isn’t the end.”

“That was our way out!” She was prone to catastrophizing. But in her defence, I guess, she was homeless. “I’ve sent my resume out to a hundred places in the last two weeks and heard nothing! We were counting on this money- I was counting on this money. I’m the worst- I feel like I’m ruining her life.”

I glanced over my shoulder, through the window, to the front space. Anna was smiling, pointing to the TV, chatting away with another client with a hot chocolate in hand. The situation wasn’t ideal, but ruining her life may have been a bit dramatic.

“Anna’s family are the ones to blame for putting her in this situation. They’re the ones who should be looking after her.” I said, with a bubble of irritation swelling in my chest, trying not to project my own feelings from my own life. “It’s not your responsibility. You’re only twenty. You’re doing great, supporting each other.”

“You don’t understand.” She looked down at her lap, tears dripping from her eyes. Nothing unusual. Of course we don’t understand, us silly workers. No one understands. She wiped her eyes, sobbed a little more, and repeated, “you don’t understand.”

I thought I understood. But she was right. I didn’t. Not yet.

=x=

Neither Elsa nor Anna was at the top of the refuge waitlist yet, but when the spots came up - 2x female, low mental health needs, low or no alcohol or drug use - I couldn’t help myself. I sent off two referrals, quickly, without getting the okay from my team or boss.

It was busy as usual. No one would notice. And I’m allowed to have favourites, okay? It’s not like they’re my kids. And how often do we get two spots in the same refuge?

Suzie noticed. She looked over at me, scrolling through the daily referrals and sipping on a mug of tea, and pointed out that we don’t usually house young couples together. It’s policy. Most of them are too unstable, then there’s all the drama if they break up. In general, it’s a recipe for disaster.

“Yeah,” I scratched the back of my head, trying not to look guilty.

But they’re so cute together, I didn’t say.

“But I think it’s probably one of the healthier relationships we’ve seen come through these doors.”

Suzie agreed with a chuckle, and Dave, too, who had been eavesdropping in the next cubicle, apparently. They wouldn’t be cycling through this system, month after month, year after year, with no end in sight. Like so many of our clients. This would just be a blip on the radar. They had bright futures ahead of them.

The only one who didn’t agree was Hans.

=x=

I didn’t hear from them for a couple of months. In my line of work, this is a good thing. I assumed it meant things were going well at the refuge. I didn’t see why they wouldn’t be. Anna was engaged in education. Elsa spending every waking hour looking for work. Neither using hard drugs, which, in this sector, is short of a miracle.

I hadn’t exactly forgotten about them. You don’t just forget about favourites, in this job. You always wonder what happened to them, how they’re doing, and usually you never find out. But let’s say, they weren’t at the forefront of my mind. The only thing was a phone call that Suzie took, I only heard briefly about it. The refuge called, asking for our health team to write a quick script for Elsa. Her refills had run out, or something, and she apparently didn’t know how to contact her psychiatrist. Looking back, I guess, it did seem a bit out of character, given how conscientious she came across. But she’d been through a lot. Psychiatrists take leave, or move to different practices. Her parents might have dealt with all that stuff before. All sorts of reasonable explanations. Suzie was following up, and I put them out of my mind again, hoping they were doing well. No reason to think they weren’t.

=x=

“Sisters.”

Hans stood in front of me, arms crossed, a stupid smirk on his face like the cat who ate the canary. I’d been in the middle of writing a long-ass case note and truthfully, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Probably another one of his weird fetishes. A made up gym story. “What do you want, Hans?”

“They’re sisters.” He said again, as though that meant anything, slamming a few sheets of paper onto my desk. “I told you there was something fishy about them. I knew it in my bones. And I thought it was weird that Elsa didn’t know how to contact her own psychiatrist, I mean, we know she’s not stupid.”

“You’re the one who sounds stupid right now. Or- or crazy! I’ve scanned their ID into the system, they have different last names. Anna Aren. Elsa-”

“-So anyway,” he cut me off, “I did some digging. Found a record at Southeast Mental Health services-”

“-Elsa didn’t sign the consent form for us to contact other services-”

“-Elsa Aren. She took her mother’s name, Frost, after the parents divorced. Cheeky little shit only gave us her school ID. It’s still Aren on all her official records. I even called the school, because I thought it had to be a mistake, but apparently it was a whole thing. Everyone knew about it. That’s why they have no friends or anything. I knewsomething didn’t add up.”

My heart sank. My stomach dropped. I didn’t know what to think. I got up, wordlessly, and headed to the kitchen. It was too early for this shit. I needed coffee, and a minute to think.

At first, I felt betrayed, I’ll admit. I know you can’t get too invested in the clients, but it’s a matter of pride in the job. I thought I’d built a connection. I thought they trusted me. I thought I’d made them feel safe. But they’d lied to me for months-

“Yeah, I know! Sisters! Gross, right?” Hans had followed, apparently, and was sharing this new juicy gossip with the whole goddamn office. Suddenly, the omission felt a lot less personal.

“Hans.” I stopped him in the kitchen, blocking the door. “What are you doing? This is confidential information, not one of your stupid gym stories.”

“My gym stories are fucking lit-”

“-I’m serious! Do you think this is funny? That kind of stigma’s no joke. The story spreads around and it could really fuck things up for them.”

“I kinda think it already has, bro. Maybe they should have thought about that before bumping donuts.”

I breathed out angrily through my nose, with any potential replies crashing into each other in my head, still kind of in shock. Still not sure how I felt about the whole thing. A bit grossed out, to be honest, and then a bit shitty with myself because my job is specifically to not judge young people with all sorts of strange and uncomfortable life stories.

“Hans, they’re my clients. Just, promise me you’ll tone it down, okay? Don’t go blabbing all about this. Or I’ll tell the boss you watch porn on the clock.”

“Yeah, alright, whatever.”

I saw a flicker of recognition in his eyes. That I meant business. He was already on a series of warnings from HR for constantly eating Suzie’s food out of the fridge, and making fun of Dave’s male pattern baldness, and probably a bunch of other stuff I didn’t know about. He couldn’t afford another.

But I still couldn’t shake the unease.

=x=

Unease bubbled into a panic in my throat the next time I saw Anna, in reception, arguing with Hans. Her voice was rising higher and higher with stress, as he stood there with his weight on one hip, that smug look on his stupid face. From what I could gather, he was turning her away.

My heart sank as I took in the details. She’d lost weight. Had dark circles under her eyes. Hair was a bit greasy, shoved into a messy ponytail and her clothes had that worn-for-a-few-days look. “Kristoff!” She budged past him, toward me, with pleading eyes, “I really need a housing appointment. We only need a few nights somewhere, Elsa’s getting paid on Thursday, she’s just started a job in a house factory! I mean, a box-house. A warehouse where they make boxes-”

“-Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,” I told her, but she didn’t slow down. She kept rambling on at a million miles an hour, a stress response for her. I reverted to our default question. Bringing it back to basics. The reason we’re here. “Where did you sleep last night?”

“McDonalds.”

I gave Hans a scathing look and took her aside for a quick chat. She told me she and Elsa had been kicked out of the refuge, and claimed she didn’t know why - but in my heart, in my bones, I knew.

And in her eyes, I knew she knew.

Still, it seemed a little harsh to kick them out onto the street. Of course, some kind of therapeutic intervention would be expected, but I know for a fact they’d dealt with much more challenging behavioural problems than sisters dating each other. Both girls had been nothing but polite, friendly and agreeable in my experience. A little heavy on the PDA, sometimes (in hindsight, rather brazen), but they’d sprung apart whenever I’d cleared my throat pointedly at them. So I decided to call the refuge and have a chat. Suss it out. See if they wouldn’t rethink it.

Just as I suspected. They were contacted by “one of our workers,” (no guesses who) who told them about the… the nature of the girls’ relationship. They were concerned, obviously. Referred them both to BrighterWays Family Therapy Centre and created a plan to transition Elsa to an adult refuge, when a spot eventually came up. In the meantime, they’d booked her into Sandy Shore Motel.

Yikes. Colloquially known as “stabby-shore”, it wouldn’t have been my first choice for her. Or for anyone, really. But there are only so many places that take bookings from a homelessness service. Most prefer to avoid the risk.

So Elsa packed her bags contritely, the refuge-worker told me, and Anna stood there in tears, like her sister-lover was going off to war or something. Distraught. Begging them to reconsider. Standing in the rain as Elsa’s bus rolled away. She almost stayed behind. Almost. She lasted two nights after that, then she was gone.

In between one client punching a hole in the wall and another nodding off on smack, I struggled to find the time for her appointment and could see Anna growing more restless. Pacing around and texting furiously. Drinking cheap coffee after cheap coffee in our little paper cups - she drank coffee, now, apparently. “Sorry it’s taken me so long,” I said to her, and I truly was sorry. “Why don’t you head downstairs with some fresh clothes and take a shower. I’ll just finish up this handover with the health team and then we’ll do your appointment, okay?”

“You have showers here?” She was stunned, as though I’d just told her we have dragons here.

“Sure do.” I led her downstairs and opened a cabinet full of soaps, shampoos, body washes, moisturisers and the likes, and she stared like it was a pot of gold. “Take whatever you like.”

After her shower, Anna looked (and smelled) much fresher. But she was still agitated. Picking at her chipped nail polish and shifting in her seat. Eyes darting around the counselling room which suddenly felt very small.

“Anna, you’re still welcome at the refuge.”

“No, I’m not.”

“I just spoke to the worker, they’ll have you back-”

“-No, you don’t understand! I can’t go back there. They… they see me differently, now.”

“Yeah?” Honestly, at this point, I was just curious if she would come out and say it. “Why’s that?”

She was balled up in the chair, looking as small and vulnerable as the day we met. Worse, in fact, because she looked ashamed now. “I think you already know.”

“About you and Elsa?” I said. “Yeah. Look, Anna, I can’t imagine what it’s been like carrying this secret. And after the way it was received back home, I totally get why you’re having some reservations. But the workers aren’t going to judge you-”

“-you say that, but you weren’t there, Kristoff! You didn’t see the way they look at me now, with revulsionanddisgust in their eyes. And how they talk to me, all careful, like I’m some kind of ticking time-bomb.”

I nodded, hoping that wasn’t true. Knowing it probably was.

“Would you be open to looking at other refuges?”

“I can’t leave Elsa there in that shitty place all by herself. It’s scary! And it’s…” Anna sighed. Her jaw tightened. There was none of the previous light in her eyes. None of the cheekiness in her face. “It’s hard for us to be apart.”

I went to argue, having heard this sentiment so many times before from young couples who felt like the world would end if they couldn’t be joined at the hip twenty-four-seven. But something stopped me. The fact that they were sisters, not just girlfriends, is what stopped me. My brain was still imploding, to be fair. Trying to make sense of it.

“We shared a room, back home.” Anna continued. “Not because the house was small. There was a spare room. Two spare rooms, actually. And a sunroom. We just… preferred it that way. I’ve spent all of two nights without her in my whole life and I-” she paused and shook her head, “It was like I couldn’t breathe. And knowing she felt the same, just…”

She trailed off.

“Anna…” I waited for her to meet my eyes, and I could see that any trust left was hanging by a thread. “This isn’t going to be easy.”

“I know.” All traces of teen melodrama now faded away, there was only solemn understanding in her voice. A wisdom beyond her years. “But it’s true love.”

I pursed my lips, listening. It wasn’t that I approved of it exactly. And I didn’t understand, not really. But I could see that there was a devotion there. A willingness to make sacrifices, to give up everything for each other, to take this path less trodden. The path of uncertainty. Of risk. And what can I say? Something about that, well, it moved me.

Unfortunately, I knew my boss would make no concessions for true love. If they kept using the service there would have to be some kind of meeting about it. They would be booked separately, would be expected to engage in some kind of therapy, the likes. I told her this. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep.

In the end, I booked her for three nights, like she asked, and practically begged her to come in next week, anyway, even if they had a place to stay. For a welfare check. I even promised her a Target voucher. The kids love Target vouchers.

“Yeah, yeah.” She said without looking me in the eye. Checking her phone. “For sure. We’ll keep in touch. Anyway, I’d better go figure out how to find this hotel. Elsa’s finished work. It’s cold. She’s waiting for me.”

Of course she was

I never heard from them again.

Not for lack of trying. I called the other housing services, refuges, everywhere, trying to follow up. I called SouthEast Mental Health. I called the BrighterWays family therapy centre, and all the other family therapy centres, too. I called their phones, of course, but Elsa never picked up and I think Anna changed her number.

I won’t lie, it haunts me a little. Two girls, out there, in the big scary city. One meagre income. No support. Shit all street smarts. The only solace, I guess, is that I know they’ve got each other.

=x=

“Well, Mr Bjorgman, you’re quite the storyteller.” The CEO of CityCare looks down briefly at his bulky, expensive-looking watch, sitting across from me in a small, soundproof room, in his crisp, pressed suit.

“Well, it was quite a story.” I say, wondering if that’s a dig at my truthfulness. Wondering if I’ll be reprimanded for bumping the girls up the waitlist. Suddenly feeling the urge to scrutinise all my decisions. Should I have done more digging? Noticed that something was off? Showed less favouritism? “I still don’t know if they’re, like, still alive? Or…”

“Have there any other breaches in client-confidentiality that you know of?” He ignores my question, as his hard-faced assistant keeps typing on her little laptop.

“No.” I shake my head. “Is there a reason why you’re looking into this, now? Has something happened, have they made a complaint?”

“We can’t reveal anything about the investigation at this point.”

“Right.” My heart thumps. I have a sinking feeling in my gut. I want to ask again, if they’re okay, but I bite my tongue.

“Mr Bjorgman, you mentioned Mr Westergaard accessing pornogrphic material on the job. Can you tell us more about that?”

I take a deep sigh, and a sip of my water. It’s going to be a long afternoon.

Words: ca. 8,000
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content: none
Song: Pilgrims On A Long Journey, Cœur de Pirate

The rain fell like a thousand needles, prodding but never breaking the skin of Anna’s face and forearms, with the single-minded purpose of hurrying her along. It worked, almost too well, and she had to scurry forward amongst the swarm of other people with the same intention in mind. Seeing a break, Anna dipped clumsily to the side, pausing in her steps only once she’d arrived at the sanctuary of a coffee-shop overhang, jutting into the sidewalk.

She was not the only person to have such an idea, and within moments she was swallowed by an overwhelming humidity—the type borne of damp and human body heat, exacerbated by her own sodden state and dissatisfaction with said state—that was almost enough to have her braving the rain once more.

Sighing glumly, she resigned herself to waiting for the storm to pass, well aware of the fact that she could be warm and comfortable at home, maybe curled under a throw with her roommate and watching rom-coms and reminiscing.

Shaking that thought from her head and dredging up the excitement she should be feeling at her current, albeit soaked, evening plans, Anna turned her focus away from the rain. Digging deep into her satchel, she found her phone wedged between the pages of a book she hadn’t remembered packing, still blessedly dry despite the downpour. The LED, a stark contrast to the deep blues of the clouded twilight, blinded her momentarily. Opening up her messages and grinning for a moment at a cat meme from her roommate, she ultimately selected a different contact and began typing.

to: babe
heya, wru? wasn’t expecting the storm lol!

from: babe
call me

The reply was instant, and where the words would once have caused a complex swirl of emotions, almost all positive, in her gut, they were now stoney and sinking heavily.

Unable to completely temper that feeling, Anna hit the ‘call’ button and brought the phone to her ear. Cognizant of the small space and the still-pouring rain, she shuffled to the side in a motion that was supposed to be considerate of the crowd; a glare from a fellow refugee told her she’d missed the mark.

“Hi. Anna.” Hans’ first words were short and clipped, but Anna still found herself pressing the phone closer to her ear, almost hungrily as she sought more contact. She bit her lip and responded hesitantly, unsure of his mood.

“I um. I’m waiting for you. Near the—” She swallowed. “The storm messed up the traffic.”

“I figured that would be your excuse.” He didn’t continue speaking. Shuffling, squashy in her damp shoes, Anna found herself biting her lip again, this time a little harder.

“Hans…?”

“This isn’t working out.”

“What?”

His words were a punch to her gut, no longer a stone but a storm, chipping her away from the inside. Between the blood rushing in her ears and the relentless pounding of the storm, Anna barely heard his next statement.

“I need a woman who is more reliable. Who actually shows she cares. It isn’t you, Anna.” He chuckled hollowly. “And I don’t think it ever was, or will be.”

And with that, the line went dead. Anna pulled it away from her ear numbly, the motion slow as her mind whirled and breathing shallowed. She tapped the redial, but the line went straight to voicemail, and it was obvious that even if it hadn’t, she wouldn’t have gotten through to him anyway.

There wasn’t any point to staying where she was, sequestered and waiting for the rain to pass; already Anna was soaked, and now there was no reason to maintain the façade. An invisible string pulled at her, numb feet guided by habit and routine towards the bus stop, and all the while there was one thought running through her mind: she’d only been ten minutes late. At least the bus shelter was empty, no other fools out here, and Anna sat heavily on the bench. She was already so damp that the wet seat had little impact except to remind her of her current predicament. Her phone buzzed briefly as another cat meme came through (this time accompanied by the brief message that they’d lost power, but that was okay because they had plenty of tea-lights from Earth Hour), and it dragged a watery smile to Anna’s lips for a second before falling. It was nice to know someone was thinking of her.

And then, alone, under the hazy streetlight, Anna finally let herself cry. Shoulder-shaking, heart-wrenching sobs that left her drained and incapable of more, feeling empty and wondering, almost detachedly, where it all went wrong. She’d tried to be a good girlfriend, even if Hans hadn’t thought she was. Hadn’t she done all the right things? Date nights and gifts and sweet nothings?

But perhaps she hadn’t. The sad thought threatened to overwhelm her again, so she swallowed it thickly and stood. A bus—not the one direct to her home, but close to it—turned the corner and she hailed it down. To be anything but stationary right now. To be anywhere but here.

The bus was ageing, and mostly empty. Taking one look at her saturated dress, the driver waved her on without fee, though he muttered a, “Maybe stay standing” when her shoes left dirty footprints on the step. Anna nodded her understanding.

A few people came and left, though none as drenched as she, and the wide berth they gave her only added to her inner distress. The sky was a true void now, and heavy streaks of rain against the bus windows made it difficult to tell where she was—fortunately Google Maps was able to pinpoint her location with frightening accuracy; rather, it would be frightening if she weren’t so grateful to be only a few blocks from home.

The stop button was provocatively cheery, and Anna looked dolefully in its direction, though it dropped at the pitying look the driver gave as she exited the bus. The rain wasn’t nearly as ferocious here; the light of the streetlights bouncing off the puddles, and distorted only by fairy-stepped droplets, seemed reminiscent of a Studio Ghibli film. Perhaps she’d feel better beneath a goose-down blanket, hot cocoa in hand and a soft film to embrace her. First thing first: she needed to get out of her soaked clothes, especially as the smell of the dank material grew stronger while that of the petrichor faded.

Step after step, she marched slowly along the footpath, avoiding—almost as an afterthought—the watery dips and shallows that hadn’t quite emptied yet. The humidity weighed heavily in the air as, without the torrents of rain, there was nothing to stir it and provide any relief. By the time she arrived at her apartment building, the rain had ceased entirely, and Anna was able to acknowledge, even peripherally, that she was cold and miserable.

She didn’t dwell on that thought or on the front step, hurriedly side-stepping both and allowing the foyer to welcome her in. It did so, though not in its usual manner of warm halogen and vanilla-sandalwood air freshener. Anna was greeted instead by the dank smell of damp carpet and a notice on the elevator, shouting in a serif-font that she would have to climb the four flights to her floor due to ‘electrical difficulties’.

At least her apartment wouldn’t smell so foul, she reasoned with herself as she approached the stairwell. The stagnant stench had certainly settled here, though it was less abrasive than in the foyer, and the farther she climbed the fainter it became. Stumbling from the stairwell and onto her floor, Anna’s heart lurched and reminded her of her desperation to be home; a desperation she hadn’t noticed, or had simply chosen to ignore, until it was such that she couldn’t. She wanted to be home, warm and cozy. She wanted to see her roommate—more than she’d realized, it seemed, when her heart lurched at the thought. Gooseflesh had textured her skin, and her hair now hung over her shoulders in frizzy waves instead of sticking to them. Swallowing her urgency, she pulled her key from the depths of her bag, though she still missed the keyhole twice before it finally slid in. Then, unwilling—or unable—to wait, she pressed her shoulder to the door, grunting with the exertion of pushing the swollen wood from its home in the frame.

Here was the smell of vanilla-sandalwood and yellowed lights, but not entirely what she’d expected; candles, alight and placed around the apartment, strategically away from anything flammable. Anna blinked as the door swung shut behind her, though it didn’t latch. Without taking her eyes off the burning candles, Anna stepped backwards to let her bodyweight close the door properly, and it was in that moment that her roommate appeared.

Elsa had a soft smile on her face, and it was directed entirely at Anna as she approached from her room down the end of the hall. It was clear that she’d been getting ready for bed, as she was dressed in her pajamas and a fluffy robe. Her hair was freshly-brushed, cascading in the softest waves over her shoulders and down her back. The light from the candles cast deep shadows where it couldn’t reach, clouding her expression and making it impossible to read. By the time it had passed, so too had Elsa’s smile, replaced by something cautious and concerned.

Heart aching and bottom lip trembling, Anna hung her head. She let her bag drop with a heavy thud against the carpet, and Elsa’s arms swiftly replaced it, wrapping gently around her shoulders.

“He dumped me,” she croaked, head pushed hard against Elsa’s boney collar. Anna had to bite her lip again, unwilling to cry again, but her arms were around Elsa’s waist and when she felt a strong grip try to hold her together, she thought she might just fail anyway.

Even more so when, what could have been a few seconds or a few minutes later, Elsa’s voice rumbled in her ear, the vibrations from her chest a soothing purr against Anna. She didn’t offer empty, pathetic platitudes; Elsa always spoke with a certain dignified sincerity, and tonight was no different.

“You are an amazing, wonderful, beautiful person, Anna,” she said, holding on a little longer before pulling away. The smile was back, somehow even softer, and already Anna felt calmer. Soothed—just from a hug? Elsa wiped away the rivulets that had begun pathing through Anna’s freckled cheeks and then, in an action unexpected and completely welcome, she pressed a soft kiss to Anna’s forehead. “Why don’t I run you a bath? Get you out of those wet clothes.”

Stiffly, Anna nodded, though the stilted action wasn’t born of any emotional hesitation—quite the opposite, as she could feel her soul lifting at the thought of being warm and clean. And yet, that thought couldn’t replace what she had just lost—that close, comfortable contact with Elsa. It wasn’t so strange, not for any reason other than they knew each other well. Perhaps because Elsa rarely initiated touch, though Anna knew that she loved it more than words. Just as Elsa had known what to say to her, and how meaningful and appreciated her statement had been.

How was it that Elsa, her roommate, understood her better than her now-ex-boyfriend? The thought came—this time a little unwelcome—as she made her way down the hallway towards her own room, carrying one of the candles from the kitchen. She paused just inside the door, taking in the beige walls and forest-green bedspread, barely visible in the low light and wondering (hoping?) for an answer. She had only been dating him a month, and yet had known Elsa for years. Was it that Elsa saw sides of her, usually domestic and frequently messy, that Hans hadn’t? Was it simply time that had fostered that growth and understanding?

The furniture offered no solution; neither did her pajamas, nor her socks, nor her own face in the mirror above her duchess. Swallowing, emotions viscous in her throat, Anna repeated to herself the words Elsa had so freely given. It wasn’t so easy now, and the words became lodged and stuck there before finally passing, shakily, through her lips.

“You are amazing, and w-wonderful… a-and b-beautiful.”

She didn’t feel like any of them at the moment. She didn’t have to. Those words weren’t hers, not quite yet; they still belonged to Elsa, and Anna could acknowledge that Elsa believed them to be true, even if Anna didn’t quite feel as though she deserved them presently.

Elsa believed them, and for now, that was enough.

Gathering her pajamas, Anna returned to Elsa. She was kneeling on the floor beside the bath, swirling the water with her hand in a domestic gesture Anna recalled her own mother doing for her as a child. The air here was humid, and almost uncomfortably steamy; the window and mirror had already fogged up, and Anna felt it target her clammy skin wherever possible. Unlike the rest of the apartment, the smell here was overwhelmingly that of lavender, and whatever vague question Anna was forming was answered when Elsa shifted and revealed a little bottle of the essential oil, standing inconspicuously on the far edge of the tub. There were candles in here, too, but they couldn’t compete with the aroma. If anything, the vanilla undertones enhanced the lavender, instead of detracting from it.

She hadn’t announced her presence, and so it wasn’t until she sat on the closed lid of the toilet that Elsa noticed her. The fine baby hairs at her temples were already frizzy from the vapour, and it was the second thing Anna noticed. The first was her smile, soft and warm once more, and Anna couldn’t have said why she didn’t want to dwell on it.

Ducking her head, she pulled off her boots and socks, peeling the damp cotton away from her wrinkled feet as though it were a banana skin. They landed with a sodden sound against the tiles, water seeping from the fabric and instantly snailing towards the drain. Her cardigan, discarded in much the same way, joined the socks, and it was only when Anna was standing, fingers playing at the hem of her shirt, that Elsa spoke.

“I added some lavender oil,” she said unnecessarily, voice just barely louder than the still-running water and eyes averted as though Anna hadn’t ceased disrobing, “but I could also add some bubble mix, if you’d like?”

“Mix? The one that—?”

“Y-yeah. It’s okay, I just thought I’d ask what you wanted.”

Elsa’s eyes flashed up briefly, too sudden and flighty for Anna to read the emotion there. She cleared her throat, the sound swallowed by the room and didn’t look at Elsa when she said, mechanically, “I bought it for Hans. I wanted to spend some time with him. Just. Existing.” Letting out a puff, Anna dragged her eyes to meet Elsa’s, a hollow grin quirking one corner of her lips. “Bubble bath isn’t a solo activity.”

Then her eyes fell again, and she roughly tugged her shirt off as a distraction. The motion itself didn’t achieve what she wanted, but the air—even despite its warmth—still shook her as it met the bare skin of her back, her stomach, and her chest. It was with chattering teeth that Anna extricated herself, none-too-gently, out of her jeans and tossed them over to the rest of her clothes. She didn’t remove her undergarments yet, and though it was impossible for Elsa to not realize, she hadn’t left her post next to the tub yet.

And Anna found that she didn’t really want her to leave, either. An idea brushed past, a suggestion that if she forewent a soak, she could spend some time curled up next to Elsa instead, sating that primal need to spend quality time with another person. If she bathed—as she had wanted to do all evening—Elsa would be abed, and likely asleep, by the time she was finished. Was she prepared to waste all of Elsa’s efforts in making her comfortable?

She was drawn from her thoughts when Elsa stood, wiping her wet hand against her pajama bottoms. The tub was only half-full, Anna noticed, and Elsa’s eyes stayed locked firmly on hers.

“Enjoy,” she said, but though they were finally facing each other directly for the first time since entering the bathroom, Anna barely heard her, the words absorbed by something else. Her lips twitched in an almost-smile, and she turned to the door. A freckled hand around her wrist stalled her escape.

“Do you… wanna have a bath with me?”

The surprise was visceral, evident in the wide depths of Elsa’s eyes and the breathless exhale, air catching somewhere between her lungs and her lips. She didn’t respond, and the silence lingered like a vestigial limb, enduring and defiant.

Anna released Elsa’s wrist and took a step back, well after the time she should have. The heat in her cheeks couldn’t be attributed only to the room; neither, she hoped, could the pink in Elsa’s, though it was impossible to tell, and without an answer forthcoming Anna found she didn’t want to ask anything else. Instead, she took another step back and turned, facing the tub. It was easier to talk to the water than to Elsa right now.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have asked that.” Shouldn’t have, but she’d wanted to, and so she had. Despite all that Elsa had done for her, Anna still pressed for more, and now she knew things would be awkward and stilted; how was it that she was so adept at ruining relationships? Two in one day so far, and if she had anyone else in her life she cared about, they’d probably be gone by midnight too. Squeezing her eyes and arms crossed tight against her chest, she waited for the sound of Elsa leaving; perhaps a word of acknowledgement first, though Anna knew she didn’t deserve that much.

She still appreciated it when Elsa did speak, a gentle, “It’s okay,” that was much closer than Anna expected. Then all expectations vanished as a cool hand, clammy like hers but in a different way, made contact with the centre of her back and Anna felt a pressure on her front being released.

She opened her eyes to a sea of white foam, tiny bubbles flying skyward as water, still streaming from the taps, agitated them.

Anna whipped around only to come face-to-face with Elsa, who stood only a few inches away. She was smiling again, a toothy expression full of affection, and in her peripheral vision Anna noted that she’d discarded her pajamas. She hadn’t been wearing a bra, and as Anna uncrossed her arms, her own dropped away.

“Can I… be the little spoon?” Elsa’s voice was low and hesitant, and her breath ghosted over Anna’s still-sticky cheeks. Anna nodded, and it was only when she had to turn to enter the bath that she broke eye contact; even when removing her last article of clothing, neither had looked away.

She didn’t look at Elsa, who leaned forward to turn the water off before following Anna into the tub. It was hot to the point of scalding, but as Elsa settled against her front Anna found those surface wounds healed.

And, perhaps, a few of the deeper ones, too.

Elsa took Anna’s hands and wrapped them around her middle. The movement was slow and purposeful, the dual intent of keeping the water in the tub as well as making her own needs known, and suddenly Anna was reminded of a thought she’d had not that long ago; a thought about Elsa, and her propensity to engage in but never seek out, never initiate, moments of physical reassurance.

This time, the silence was comfortable. Any leftover tension dissolved as they lay there together, and for the first time in her adult life, Anna felt completely and utterly at peace, without a worry or regret. She could still feel Hans’ sting, wedged somewhere between her heart and lungs, and she wondered if it would truly hurt tomorrow because right here and now, it didn’t; how could she? How could it compete when she was feeling so utterly… loved.

Was that it? Love? She wasn’t in love with Elsa, and nor was her roommate some kind of rebound, and yet there was no other word to describe the delicate tendrils of contentedness, happiness, joy, beauty, wonder, Elsa that snaked through her blood.

Love, but not in love. Then again, had she really been in love with Hans? Was it the loss of her boyfriend that hurt, or the act of being rejected itself; and did the fact that she didn’t know the answer mean anything at all, or was she just looking for sense in a chaotic world?

Not so chaotic, she was reminded when Elsa sighed and tugged Anna’s arms tighter around herself. Legs intertwined somewhat, with both being slightly too large for the bath, Anna curled hers in just a little closer, squeezing Elsa between all her limbs and her torso, and Elsa released a breathy laugh. It faded when Anna’s head fell forward and her forehead came to rest just above and behind Elsa’s right ear.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” The reply was instantaneous, and said without much inflection. Anna cleared her throat and continued, tone softer. “I want to just enjoy this.” Her arms and expression, both unseen but felt by Elsa, tightened for a heartbeat. She was enjoying this. Elsa lay, splayed comfortably against her, and it was successful in getting Anna to relax, too. While the bath should feel crowded, it was instead just cozy, and even their nudity—her own and Elsa's—was more encouraging than embarrassing. Here, she felt… good enough.

She felt adequate, but deep in her chest was the very real fear that Elsa didn’t see it the same way that she did. Clearing her throat worriedly, she said in a rush, “I’m sorry about dragging you in here to make me feel better. You’re not- please don’t feel like a- a rebound or anything like that.”

Elsa shook her head from side to side as she made a little noise; distorted by the room, it took Anna a moment to realize that she was laughing. It was a slight, delicate sound, like she was genuinely tickled by Anna’s words. “You didn’t drag me in here. You invited me in and I accepted. I wanted to, Anna.”

Notably—to herself, or just to Anna?—she didn’t comment on the 'rebound’ statement, and Anna was almost content enough to let it go except she felt like she couldn’t. Not when she was freshly dumped and single and it took her two seconds to want to be intimate with someone else. Elsa needed to know that she wasn’t being used.

But Elsa didn’t let her because she began speaking instead, voice light and conversational because to be otherwise would perhaps be a little too real and a little too raw; things neither could handle, not in that moment.

“I love that you asked me, Anna. I like sharing space with you. I just never wanted to invade yours, and—” she paused, swallowing audibly, and Anna wondered if it were her own heartbeat or Elsa’s that she could feel thundering between them. “And I just want you to forget about your asshole ex because he doesn’t deserve you, and he never has.”

“I thought I loved him,” Anna admitted quietly. “Now, I’m not even sure I know what love is.”

Elsa let out a sharp exhale through her nose, spraying clouds of bubbles. “I don’t believe that.”

“No, really—”

“Yes, really, Anna.”

Elsa’s interruption was suddenly serious, and whatever she wanted to say was so important she couldn’t do it in her current position. She pulled herself from Anna’s grip with an urgency that whipped the water into stormy waves, sloshing over the rim of the tub. Then, she turned and slid back into Anna’s lap, this time facing her. There was no heat or blush on her face, though Anna could feel her own grow warm at the position. Some instinct had her hands finding Elsa’s waist and holding her there, and a flash of heat bubbled and burst as surely as the foamy mix that sailed along the surface of the water.

“Really, Anna,” she repeated softly, voice the antithesis of her rough actions from only a moment ago. “Maybe you don’t love the way you think you should, or the way people tell you, but I want to be damn clear: you know what love is.”

“How would you know?” Anna’s voice was almost sulky in tone, and if possible, Elsa’s expression softened further. Anna’s eyes were drawn to hers as if by a magnet, and when she repeated the question it rang with an echo of desperation, a desire for understanding, that she needed and couldn’t uncover for herself.

“Because love isn’t always a feeling. It’s an action. It’s what we do to make the people around us feel safe, and cared for, and loved. I am never not loved when I’m around you, Anna.”

Elsa’s gaze was as fierce as her words, and Anna felt as though her stomach had dropped away entirely as the weight of what Elsa was saying hit her. She desperately wanted to respond, even just as an acknowledgement, but nothing felt right; how could it when she wanted to cry and laugh and scream and whoop? She’d been a fool to think the evening had no more surprises for her. If Elsa was expecting an answer, she hid it well; only a flicker in her eyes, something sorrowful, gave it away. Even then, Anna didn’t know what to say, and Elsa finally looked away. It gave Anna the space to find her voice, though when she spoke, it wasn’t what she wanted to say.

“The water will be getting cold soon.”

Elsa nodded.

Anna nodded. Then swallowed, and inhaled, and asked tentatively, “Can I wash your hair?”

That was certainly closer to what she wanted to say and the nod of assent she received seemed to indicate that Elsa understood what was going through her mind. She slid off Anna’s lap and turned to face the far wall; Anna awkwardly crossed her legs, using them to keep her balance as she leaned towards the basin to grab a clean melamine cup, ostensibly to use after brushing their teeth but that neither ever remembered.

She worked without speaking, first drenching Elsa’s hair with the warm water—soapy suds waved away—before lathering the silky threads with shampoo. The aroma of the room shifted from lavender to mint, and Anna found herself leaning far closer than was probably appropriate in order to fill her senses with the smell. It helped distract from the warmth at her navel, in her cheeks and chest, as she let her fingers move across Elsa’s scalp and through her hair.

Anna had never washed anyone’s hair before, and the intimacy of the moment struck her heavily as she was rinsing the shampoo. She watched, hypnotized by the way the water adhered to Elsa’s light hair, the battle against gravity lost as it streamed downwards to rejoin its brethren. It was only when the water ran clear that the spell was broken, and she coughed away the emotion that had begun to build in her throat. Even so, her voice was croaky when she said, “Conditioner?” She couldn’t communicate any more than that.

Elsa nodded, and it was impossible to tell whether it was by choice that she didn’t verbalize her answer. Anna gave even greater care now, starting with the ends and coating each strand with Elsa’s bergamot conditioner until each one felt like the finest strand of mulberry silk. She’d always had beautiful hair, though she rarely let it out of the French-plait that was her standard; then again, Anna rarely did anything more than that either, though she preferred two at her shoulders. She’d worn her hair out tonight to impress Hans; all a mistake, she now realized.

But this wasn’t, and if every decision had led to now, then Anna wasn’t going to complain. She’d rather do the opposite, and so in a conversational tone she said quietly, “I’ve always adored your hair, Elsa.” She ran her fingers through it once more before refilling the cup and resting it at Elsa’s crown. “Head back.”

It took Elsa a moment to follow the direction; her eyes were closed and the normally-pale skin of her cheeks was a splotchy red, full of a meaning that neither felt brave enough to address. Anna focussed on rinsing her hair, using the fingers of her free hand to help draw the water through. Though Elsa had probably already washed her hair that evening, it felt even softer for Anna having repeated the routine. Perhaps that was just wishful thinking on her part.

Finally, the water ran clear and Anna let her hands sink below the water. “There,” she said softly. “All done.”

Elsa nodded, but didn’t immediately turn around. She gave a little stretch and said in a voice more watery than the bath, “Your turn now.” It was an obvious request, and Anna did as she was bid, turning her back and allowing Elsa the privacy she clearly wanted. Even then, it was a long moment before Anna heard the motion of the water that signified Elsa had moved.

When she spoke, it was without such noticeable traces of emotion, though Anna imagined she could still hear it, creeping around the edges of her syllables and sounds. “Head back,” she said, and Anna complied. The water had cooled off substantially, and yet she didn’t feel the chill the way she expected. The heat still burned below her belly, but it was muted—not snuffed, not ignored, but rather that it had settled into something more comfortable than urgent.

Elsa used her own shampoo in Anna’s hair, filling her senses once more with mint and bergamot. She was silent, like Anna, and it felt to her as though she were working with some single-minded determination. Each knot, uncovered as Elsa delicately raked her hands through Anna’s hair, was painstakingly separated like it was the finest silver chain necklace that had been twisted and caught on itself after years of neglect.

And much like Elsa, though Anna was not as good at hiding it, she felt herself tearing up; a response to the ministrations, she told herself, while also being completely aware that it wasn’t just that. It was the feel of Elsa at her back, her deft fingers raking through her hair. It was the childhood nostalgia, and the kindness, and perhaps even to a degree the timidity with which Elsa worked. She gave nothing more than Anna had, at least in quantity; and yet as Anna’s eyes closed, she found that the quality of the attention left her wanting for nothing.

Or, rather, wanting for nothing that she could actually seek.

“You’re really good at that,” she mumbled, eyes closed to appreciate the sensations. Elsa gave a laugh, light and almost shy, and Anna was tempted to turn to look at her. She didn’t want the spell to break, though, and so she remained where she was, waiting. Elsa rinsed the product from her hair, leaving it smoother than it had been in a long while. It also served to remind Anna of the swift march of time and how long they’d lingered. The cooling water between her shoulder blades caused her to shiver violently. Sitting still in the tub as she had been, she hadn’t noticed. Neither had she noticed the way the candles had burned low, nor the dissipation of the bubbles.

“Perfect,” Elsa murmured, voice muted. Anna shivered again; this time it felt deeper, and not borne of the cool environment. She felt Elsa put her hands against her shoulder blades, moving them up slowly to rest atop her shoulders for a moment before they fell away, following Anna’s upper arms down to her elbows and into the bath.

Something else pressed against her, light and quick direct to the base of her neck. Elsa pulled away before Anna could identify it, standing up and sloshing the water.

“It’s too cold,” she said by way of explanation, even though Anna hadn’t spoken or even looked at her to ask a question. It took more courage than she currently had to look at her friend, so she kept her gaze averted instead. The warmth that spread through her as Elsa wrapped a fluffy towel around her couldn’t only be explained by the item.p, nor certainly by it lingering when Elsa followed suit with her own.

It had started raining again, she noted idly, only doing so because it meant she didn’t have to acknowledge how close Elsa was standing in front of her, nor how delicately her fingers worked. She was blushing, and Anna wondered if the heat on her own face was evident in the same way. Elsa looked at her, eyes bright despite the low light of the room—a light which had grown significantly dimmer during their time. She stepped forward, so close Anna could count the freckles painted with such restraint across her nose.

She didn’t; instead Anna found herself counting her breaths, and when that didn’t work she turned around abruptly, leaning to collect her pajamas from their pile on the bathroom floor. She didn’t know if Elsa had done the same as she began to robe herself, a thought that had some unnamed emotion sparking through her chest. Already Anna longed to return to the bath, and the peace and tranquillity it had brought. She could still feel Elsa’s hair falling through her fingers; could still feel Elsa’s body, flush against her.

Did she want—?

“I don’t think the storm is going to die down anytime soon.” Elsa’s voice interrupted Anna’s self-reflection, and she finally turned back to look at her friend. With her gaze plastered to the floor, it was impossible for Anna to identify the thoughts or emotions swirling around her head.

But it shouldn’t have been, Anna scolded herself. She knew Elsa like she knew herself. Her wants and fears, hopes and dreams. So reticent and restrained but so full of love and affection for those who’d proven themselves worthy of it. She had work tomorrow, Anna realized with a pang, and yet she’d stayed up to ensure the night wasn’t a total loss. To make sure Anna felt safe and loved. Her words from the front door rose to the surface of Anna’s mind before being swiftly overcome by another.

DidElsawant…?

“I don’t think it is, either,” Anna found herself saying, almost mechanically; autopilot as her mind whirred and her body churned, trying to make sense of the pieces. They’d come together, but the picture was so unlikely, so unexpected, that it felt easier to start all over again rather than accept it as fact.

Her mouth didn’t get the memo. Anna heard herself speak as though through glass, or a plastic bubble. “Do you want to be the little spoon again?”

Time slowed, measured not in seconds, but in deep breaths and thick blinks; in the heady aroma of the bathroom and Elsa’s brightening cheeks. At a single, tentative nod, the picture clicked into place, framed and hung right in front of Anna’s face, and she could have kicked herself for being so stupid.

They detoured only to extinguish the candles. Anna led Elsa by the hand to her room, where the last remaining tea-light was left to float in a bowl of water, and then she held back the covers to let her roommate slide in first. A stillness descended, juxtaposed by the howling wind and tap-dancing rain outside. Elsa sat on the bed, half under the covers. She’d brought a hairbrush and ties with her, unnoticed by Anna until now.

“Your hair will be a nest tomorrow,” she said, grinning cheekily in a way that almost had Anna fooled. Still, she acquiesced, and took her place in front of Elsa. “Two, or one?”

“Two, please.” The hairbrush, while still gentle, wasn’t the same as Elsa’s fingers, and Anna wished she’d dried her hair properly just so she could experience that same sensation as in the bath again. Elsa was more efficient this time, too, and Anna heard her stifle a yawn just before Elsa asked a question.

“Do you want to talk about it now?”

Somehow, it felt easier now that Elsa was behind, not in front of, her, and this time Anna’s response wasn’t immediate. Her head didn’t churn with thoughts of what should, or could, have been. Anna knew what she wanted to say; it was the how that had her stuck.

Funny, she mused for a moment, that what I want to say, Elsa wants, and doesn’t want, to hear.

She chewed on her words and the side of her cheek for a moment before responding. “He… dumped me over the phone. Said I wasn’t reliable. But… I think he just wasn’t feeling it and didn’t want to pretend. And now I wonder if maybe I was pretending, too.” Elsa hummed behind her, an acknowledgement of her words but not an interruption as she finished brushing and began patiently separating the strands that would form the braid. Anna continued in a softer voice, though it was strong and sure of itself, “I think I just liked the idea of someone liking me.”

Elsa didn’t respond this time, not until she’d finished the first braid and had moved onto the second. “You will find someone like that, Anna. And he didn’t deserve you anyway, clearly.” There was a smile in her voice, and Anna’s gaze dropped to her lap even though she wasn’t looking at Elsa anyway.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “I deserve someone way better…”

Neither spoke again for a long while. Elsa completed the second braid as efficiently and neatly as the first, and Anna tried to enjoy the feeling but there was something in the way. A wall, placed between them that hadn’t been present until now. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, though she had a feeling she knew why it was there. Not a patient woman, Anna had to squash down her curiosity, knowing that she’d get a chance to ask shortly.

The opportunity came when they traded places, though when Elsa only asked for one braid, the moment became that much more urgent. Anna’s actions were a lot slower, more methodical as she gently brushed Elsa’s hair back; it was finer, and had dried significantly more than Anna’s had in the time.

“What about you?” she asked. “Anyone on the horizon?” Elsa waited a moment before shaking her head. It would have been imperceptible at any other time, but not now, and the timidity gave Anna a courage she hadn’t realized she needed. With a shaking breath and a small voice, she spoke again. “Who do you deserve, Elsa?”

At that question, Elsa scoffed, though she tried to save it at the end with a little laugh. “I don’t know, Anna. Who do you think I deserve?” She was trying for levity, and perhaps once upon a time it would have worked; right now, for Anna, there was no question more serious. She bit her bottom lip, gathering Elsa’s hair again and trying to focus on the end result, not the journey, of plaiting.

It didn’t distract her. How could it, when she knew exactly what she wanted to answer? When the words had been formed in her chest and then become lodged there because deserving, well, that was a loaded term and Anna wasn’t sure either of them deserved such a conversation right now. And yet, perhaps they did. Perhaps Elsa agreed, because once Anna had tied off her hair she rotated her torso so she could look backwards. There was a sincerity in her expression Anna hadn’t been expecting; nor had she expected Elsa’s eyes to be filled with so many emotions that she couldn’t count. It drew her in regardless, irises turned purple in the orange glow of the candle, and the words that had built their home in Anna’s chest burst forth in a whimper.

“Do you deserve me, Elsa?”

Everything froze; the swirling depths of Elsa’s eyes seemed to cease entirely, though no one emotion was a clear winner. Anna’s breath became lodged in her lungs, halted by an unseen force as she waited, unsure if she were going to receive an answer or retribution.

Then Elsa’s expression softened and her lips curled up in a smile that was elegant, tender, and soft and warm all at once.

“Because I’m a mess, Elsa. I was willing to go out in a storm just coz a boy asked me to. And I am usually late, and I always forget to take the rubbish out and I leave crumbs in the butter. Do you deserve someone like that? Because there are a million better people out there. You don’t need to settle for me.” She stopped speaking, the truths hanging between them unavoidable and clear. Elsa hadn’t stopped smiling.

“There aren’t a million yous, Anna.”

She said it so simply, so honestly, and Anna knew she had no right to tear up again but her brain and heart weren’t exactly listening to each other. Elsa moved, embracing Anna in a hug as she hummed, “I think you need to be the little spoon tonight.”

Pathetically, Anna nodded, and let herself be drawn beneath the covers. She felt rung out, too many emotions pulling her this way and that over the course of the night for her to be able to latch onto the relief and happiness that Elsa’s words should have brought.

The strong arms around her did wonders in holding her together, though, and it wasn’t long before Anna felt brave enough to push herself back into her roommate. Friend? Perhaps more.

“You know,” she sniffled, “I was only dumped like, two hours ago.”

The arms around Anna squeezed, pulling her close, and Elsa’s nose bopped forward to tickle the back of her neck. “I know. I can wait for you, Anna.”

“Is it stupid to say I’m already over him?”

The back of her neck prickled from the ghost of a laugh. Anna had to swallow around a new lump in her throat, though she couldn’t say what had caused this one. Closing her eyes to focus only on Elsa at her back didn’t seem to help. It felt stupid to be over him already, but how else could she explain this feeling? It wasn’t rejection or heartache or sadness, all of which would have been perfectly acceptable emotions to be feeling. Instead, all she had room for was warmth, trust, and love, internal and external.

She turned suddenly, taking Elsa and her dreamy expression by surprise. Their legs knotted together, torsos flush, and the same pretty blush Elsa had worn most of the night deepened. Her eyes darted across Anna’s face, and it would seem as though she were counting the freckles but for the amount of time they lingered, not on Anna’s cheeks or nose, but rather her eyes and lips. Anna swallowed, and that action was followed, too.

There was plenty of time to pull away. For either of them to turn around and take the coveted little spoon position that they both equally seemed to enjoy. Neither did. Heads atop the same pillow and bodies sharing the same space, Anna found herself drawn closer to Elsa, inch by inch.

Everything smelled like mint and bergamot; but not taste. No, Elsa tasted like star anise, or perhaps fennel—Anna never was very good at telling the difference—and her breath was sweet as it mingled with Anna’s. It was only when Elsa’s hand came to hold her there that she realized her eyes had shut; she couldn’t muster the strength, or the care, to open them. The kiss wasn’t full of desperation. It wasn’t wild and passionate.

It was simple, and comfortable, and Anna felt her heart lurch at the thought, a pressure building in her head and in her chest.

Was it really so simple? Could it really be so simple?

It couldn’t be because this was all so much! And yet, the moment Anna had that thought was the moment Elsa began drawing away, prompted by something—or perhaps just so completely attuned to Anna that she knew when it was truly overwhelming.

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” Elsa murmured into Anna’s lips, a curl at the corners. The hand on her head moved, following a path behind her ear and down the side of her throat, her shoulder, to her waist. Her eyes were bright, without an ounce of guile. In the presence of anyone else, it would have come across as possessive, and Anna knew she wouldn’t have been able to refuse. Here, with Elsa, it was simply a comforting offer. One she was only too happy to accept.

And so, swallowing away the pain of the evening, Anna found herself taking the lead to hold Elsa close. The kiss she left this time was more swirly replaced, compared with Elsa’s, with a tight embrace, but Elsa was only too happy to reciprocate. Head buried in Elsa’s chest, Anna relaxed to the beat of her heart, enveloped by warmth and, just because she was feeling a little clichéd, love.

Perhaps Elsa was right; maybe she did know what it was. There wasn’t any other name for the sensation in her chest, or the beat of her heart. In the end, it wasn’t the storm that lulled her to sleep, but a thought. It was almost contrived, and yet one that nonetheless brought a tiny smile to Anna’s face. She wondered if Elsa were thinking the same thing.

When their hearts began to beat in sync, she knew she had her answer.

Words: ca. 4,500
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content: Imagery of drowning and being lost at sea. Angst. Various mentions of death.
Song: Not named after a single song, the story is titled after a concept album of the same name. Each titled section is based on one of the songs in the suite. 

The Ninth Wave.

“Wave after wave, each mightier than the last,

Till last minute, a ninth one, gathering half the deep,

And full of voices, slowly rose and plunged,

Roaring, and all the wave was in a flame.”

-Alfred Tennyson

There wasn’t any particular reason why Elsa took the boat out by herself in the evening. It just felt like the sea was calling to her and she wanted to get out of the flat.

The song her mother used to sing before her passing had been playing on her mind a lot.

Where the north wind meets the sea, there’s a river full of memory,

Dive down deep into her sound, for in this river all is found.

Answers were definitely something she yearned for. That was probably what was drawing her to the water. That songs promise for clarity. Her head hadn’t stopped spinning since Anna had messaged her that morning.

Anna <3

Hey sis, I saw a super cute library earlier and it reminded me of you. I had to text you cuz I know you love them. Maybe we can visit it soon…I miss you. Hope you’re okay.

Elsa hadn’t replied to any of Anna’s messages for a long time. It wasn’t Anna’s fault and it wasn’t because Elsa didn’t want to talk to her. It was just that she liked her too much and it was better to just stay away from her. Anna had wanted the same things, had even been eager to give Elsa everything she wanted.

It wasn’t like Elsa wanted to ignore her, it was just that she wanted to keep Anna safe. What they had been doing wasn’t right. It had been long enough that she was becoming fearful of forgetting what her voice sounded like. That had made the bad days so difficult. But she kept telling herself that you’ve got to make sacrifices for the people you love sometimes. Even if it hurts you. How could you say you love someone and just let them be ridiculed and possibly ostracized from most societies. That’s what would happen if people found out about them. It just isn’t worth that. You aren’t supposed to love your sister that way.

Lost in her own head, she’d steered the boat further and further out to sea. Not really paying attention. Now there was no sign of anything and the wind was billowing around her viciously. Making the boat difficult to control. The waves tossing her about like a sardine in a tin. Elsa hadn’t really been thinking clearly.  So full of anxiety over all the thoughts that she hadn’t checked the weather reports or gone out at a safer time of day.

Now she didn’t know how she was supposed to get back to shore. It was so dark and she couldn’t orient herself properly. She’d been so full of anxiety over all the thoughts that she hadn’t checked the weather reports.

The waves kept growing larger. Making the boat rock and swing side to side. Rising and falling so much that she kept getting thrown hard against the deck. Waves crashed over her head faster than she could get up. Her feet slipped repeatedly on the soaked floor. The boat filling up with water.

Elsa just managed to pull on the life jacket as she was thrown overboard.

And dream of sheep

The tiny battery powered light on her life jacket blinks brightly like a beacon. Elsa floats alone in the ocean. Surrounded by nothing at all except the water and the sky above her.

It’s okay, she says to herself. Surely, if rescuers come, they won’t take me for a piece of driftwood. They will recognise her as a living thing, won’t they? They will see her racing white horses and realize she’s a person.

It’s so awfully quiet. What she wouldn’t give for something to listen to, even something stupid on the radio. Basic pop songs or dudes talking about silly things. Anything to keep her mind away from the horrors of what’s unfolding.

Things her mother has told her keep coming to mind as she’s floating. Things that used to scare her. When she was young her mother had scolded her for falling asleep in the bath. She has said that she might turn over in her sleep and drown.  But she wants to sleep so desperately. To black out and be disconnected from what’s happening to her. A realistic desire to be granted an easy escape. Her fingers and toes are numb and it’s so cold. There is no way to fathom what creatures dwell beneath her.

Why did I do this, what was I thinking. It was stupid.

The idea that she might not wake up keeps bringing forth comforting memories. The memory of when she used to have nightmares and seek out her sister’s warmth. Standing next to Anna as she slept. Not wanting to wake her but knowing she would notice her presence.  She always noticed. The way she would lift the sheets for Elsa to climb in next to her.

“Come and cuddle with me.” she’d say.

There’s something contradictory in her desires both to stay awake and be lulled to sleep. Her body grows colder and weaker and it becomes harder to ignore the exhaustion. Slowly she drifts away, into sleep.

Under Ice

It’s wonderful.

Everywhere is so white.

The lake has frozen over.

Not a soul on the ice.

Only me.

The only sound to be heard is the rhythmic pumping of the skaters legs sawing the surface of a great lake. Legs moving swiftly from side to side as she carves little lines on the surface. Increasing in tempo with every slice she makes.

Above her head,  a storm is starting to brew. Dark clouds erupt out of the blue to fill the sky and darken everything beneath them.

As she glides like a figure skater, somewhere in the distance, she hears a voice calling for her.

Horrifying in its urgency.

“Elsa!”

One word can say so many things. This one word telling her to come home. Please come back. I’m worried about you. Please come to safety. There is danger here.

Elsa ignores it. Rushing over the ice with reckless abandon. Flying on silver heels. Rejecting the anxious cries in the distance. Gliding further and further away.

Cutting out her little lines.

Racing straight into the mouth of the oncoming storm. The pointed knives of her boots slashing and striking every inch they touch.

Skating relentlessly, deeper into the darkness.

A great rumbling sound pierces the scene. A deep guttural cracking that vibrates beneath her feet.

There’s a dull thudding coming from somewhere, she can hear it coming from behind her. Curiosity overcomes her and she brings herself to a halt. Turning to look back where she just came.

A once pristine sheet of ice, now ravished by a thousand harsh lines. Something smooth and pristine now rough and jagged.

Mutilated.

The sound isn’t coming from above the ice. It’s down underneath.

Under ice.

Visible faintly beneath the surface.

They are clawing and punching at the prison they are encased within. Trying to get out of the freezing water beneath.

Elsa moves closer.

As if from far away, she can hear her mother singing her lullaby.

Dive down deep into her sound.

But not too far or you’ll be drowned.

Peering into the cloudy surface with narrowed eyes.  They have pale skin and white blonde hair fanning out around their face like a halo.

Eyes freakishly large. Petrified. Thrashing in terror.

It’s me.

Fingers scraping uselessly against an impenetrable force field. Stains of bright red contrast oddly with the complete whiteness of all things.

It’s me.

As Elsa leans closer, the mouth opens wide, unable to hold breath any longer. Drinking death.

Fingers slacken against the surface, screeching horribly as the body grows still.

Floating upwards. Face pressing against the ice.

Recognition sucks all the air from the world and everything evaporates.

It’s me!”

Waking the witch

“Wake up!”

“Good morning.”

“Come on Elsa, please wake up.”

“The sky’s awake, so I’m awake, so we have to play.” 

“Push me on the swings Elsa!”

“Look, it’s snowing!”

“Why are we not friends anymore?” 

“I miss you Elsa,”

“I know you’re worried Elsa, but you can talk to me.”

“Can you just let me in, please?.”

“Wake up sleepy head.”

I’m sorry Anna.

“Elsa, why are you ignoring me?”

“Why are you still laying in bed, get up silly!”

“Wake up”

“Wake up child”

I can’t wake up. I’m sorry.

“But Elsa, can you not see that little light up there?”

“Anna?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“There!” the little voice replies.

Why does a little light matter anyway?

“It’s over there, can you not see?”

“Where?”

“You must wake up Elsa.”

It’s no use. 

Sinking deeper into dreams.

“In her waters, deep and true, lie the answers and a path for you.”

Deeper and deeper.

“Over here!”

That voice is from somewhere different. Coming from another time, a different place.

“Don’t you know you’ve kept them waiting?”

Her sister wafts like smoke in front of her and she’d like to reach out a hand to touch her.  Maybe she’s coming to invite her on a bike ride or to grab a coffee. Maybe they’ll scrape their knees riding home. Forgetting to pull the breaks like they did when they were kids.

Deeper and deeper.

As her hand reaches upwards to touch, the vision disintegrates. Everything is dark and no light can be found.

It’s not Anna who’s come to see her…It’s the inquisitor.

Pounding drums and Latin music engulf her on all sides. The sound of chanting in strange tongues. A crowd singing in latin prayer. Maybe this is a nightmare, maybe a callback to a past life somehow. Maybe she is in hell.

Spiritus sanctus in nomine

Spiritus sanctus in nomine

Spiritus sanctus in nomine

Elsa walks barefoot across leaf strewn ground. Twigs snagging at the soles of her feet. Making them weep red tears as the crowd heckles. Great black wings rest heavily on her back. Unable to open up and fly. Useless broken wings.

Deus et dei domino

Deus et dei domino

Deus et dei domino

With every step she can feel the heavy tug. Every step is slow and exhausting as she walks without choice to her watery tomb.

The inquisitor twirls around her. Face twisting and morphing, neither solid or liquid. More like vapor.

Each face in the crowd is eerily familiar.

Thousands of mirrored images. A face she’s seen pale and drowned, staring at her with unconcealed venom. Despising every facet of her existence.

Wishing she would die.

As the inquisitor twirls the cape and stomps around her, the face shifts and dances. Melting to take different shapes. Sometimes the face looks like herself, sometimes her mother or her father. Sometimes it’s Anna.

Anna, looking at her with all the hatred that Elsa reserves for herself.

Elsa can’t escape this time. There’s a stone tied around her leg.

“Why did you push me away like that?” the thing growls.

“I don’t know.”

“Tell the truth, confess to me,”

“I-I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You left me alone.”

“I’m sorry Anna, please understand. I love you.”

“What the hell did I do to you?”

“Nothing. You did nothing Anna. I am just broken. There’s something wrong with me. It’s not your fault. Please listen to me, it’s not your fault!”

As the words leave her lips they distort and crackle like a broken television.

Warbling and dropping, they keep changing into something toxic and harsh on the way out of her mouth.

The thing that sometimes wears her sister’s face turns away.

Rejecting her.

Help me, there’s a stone around my leg.

“Don’t go, Help me, help me, listen to me, please listen, help me Anna, talk to them!”

Her voice just won’t work. It cracks like a whip and it makes her wince.

The thing turns to face her. Smiling too wide. Both recognisable and like nothing she’s ever seen.

“I question your innocence,” it snarls. 

“I never wanted to hurt anybody, I just…I just…I thought if I pushed you away I’d stop loving you the wrong way, please understand.” 

You don’t understand, there’s a stone around my leg.

“You’re a witch.” said the thing that looked like her sister. The crowd cheers. Singing their agreement. Her wings hang limp and useless by her sides. Pointless things, cumbersome and heavy.

Elsa reaches the platform. Standing high above her own grave.

“What say you good people?” the inquisitor cries, holding arms out wide, grinning with that almost familiar smile.

“Guilty!”

“Guilty!”

“Guilty!”

The weight of the stone pulls her down into the depths before she can even scream.

Now her wings are in the water. Useless, broken wings.

Above the water, the inquisitor lets out an amused laugh.

“Not guilty, damn.”

As she’s dying she hears them shouting. Commanding her pointlessly, fruitlessly, to get out of the water. Laughing because she’s helpless.

“Get out of the waves, get out of the water!”

But I can’t. There’s a stone around my leg.

Watching you without me

The drip of water rings together with the ticking of the clock.

Elsa watches Anna waiting for her. Maybe she’s a ghost. A soul separating from a body as life starts to wane. A bizarre out of body experience. Maybe she’s already dead and just hasn’t noticed.

How precious communication seems when you’re dying and unable to say anything.

Somewhere far away she can still feel the eb and flow of cold water as she bob’s out to sea like a buoy. Words come from cracked numb lips that can barely move.

“You can’t hear me, you can’t hear me, you can’t hear what I’m saying, do you?”

It’s funny how now she’s ready to speak, it’s impossible. Elsa wonders if this is a common thing to feel upon dying. To have so many things to say and no way to say them.

It wasn’t your fault Anna. I never meant to hurt you. I just…I can’t explain it. The reasons are so complex. I didn’t know how to tell you. I wanted to be with you but I convinced myself staying away was the right thing to do. I know it was wrong. But that’s what the mind can do. It suffocates life not only within you but in everything that touches you. I know you love me too and I wish I could have loved you back the way you deserved.

Now she finds herself about to experience the most enormous event to ever occur to her aside from life itself and she must do it alone. Knowing Anna will not understand why she was abandoned.

All she wants is to be close to Anna again. To play one more game of charades. To sneak into the kitchens to steal chocolate. So many tiny things that can seem insignificant in life but truly mean everything.

To let her know what happened. That she does love her, more than anything. That what others will say means nothing in comparison to Anna being happy.

Elsa wonders how many connections are severed from inexplicable accidents. How many people exist in the world who should be together but can never be. How unfair life is.

“You can’t hear me, you can’t feel me, I’m here in the room with you now. Just look and you’ll see me.”

If only she could go back to before she went on that cursed trip. When she was convincing herself to keep running away. Maybe she would ask her past self some questions.

If you knew you were about to die…

Whose company would you find yourself in?

Who are you saying goodbye to?

Who are you saying I love you to?

Who are you thinking about when you realize that you will never, ever see them again?

Elsa’s always known the answers. But it’s only now that it hits her with full force. Now that she has no choice but to face the truth.

Anna.

It’s always been Anna.

Anna is like my little light. My life jacket. I was never supposed to leave her.

Elsa thinks of the fleetingness of life. How it can be taken without a moment’s warning. Most people don’t wake up one day and think, oh I better go to all my loved ones and express the truest and deepest feelings I have for them because I’m going to die in an hour.

For so many there is no way to say goodbye.

My little light.

For so long all she wanted was to be freed by the everlasting peace of solitude.

To be in control of just one thing like she could never control her own mind. To be able to protect Anna.

But death is so sudden and final. Forcing yourself away from love isn’t giving anybody a better life. It’s just condemning yourself to pain.

Elsa wants to see Anna’s face. To be close to her.

Moving or floating she can’t really tell. She gazes at her sister laying on the floor with her feet up against the clock. Watching the clock tick. Waiting for Elsa. Elsa wants to comfort her. To say sorry. To tell her to keep going and to be hopeful. 

Time moves fast here, Anna fidgets and moves around the room. Restless, anxious, pacing. Tears streaming down her freckled face.

I’m sorry I never replied, oh Anna, don’t cry, don’t you know you’re my little light.

Never in her turmoil, had she thought about the empty space she might leave behind. What happens to Anna when she’s forced to live in pain at the loss of her. Elsa always thought that she would be better off without her. Anna doesn’t deserve the hatred that comes with what they feel for each other.

Don’t ignore me, please see me, let me in, don’t be long.

Nothing. Anna can’t see her.

Seeing her sister like this. Broken just like she was once in life. With nothing there to warp her perception. The clarity of truth is the most painful thing you’ll ever have to face.

I’ve got to go now, I’m about to die, I wish I could tell you, I wish you could hear me.

“I love you Anna. ”

Jig of life

Can’t you see where memories are kept bright,

Tripping on the water like a laughing girl,

Time in her eyes is spawning past life,

One with the ocean and the woman unfurled,

Holding all the love, it waits for you here,

Catch us now for I am your future,

A kiss on the wind and we’ll make the land,

Come over to where when lingers,

Waiting in this empty world,

Waiting for then when the life spray cools,

For now does ride in on the curl of the wave,

And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools,

We are of the going water and the gone,

We are of water in the holy land of water,

And all that’s to come runs in,

With the thrust on the strand. 

-John Carder Bush

As she floats in the neverending abyss of the open ocean. Detaching from all things physical. Things start to dance in front of her. She welcomes them. A woman unfurls herself from the waves and stands before her. Wrinkled face smiling at her with so much love. Not like the faces of the fever dreams, kind and sympathetic. Hair turned grey with age. But the face is still unmistakable.

“Hello old lady,” says Elsa softly.

“I know your face well.”

The old lady looks down at her. Apart from the signs of aging, symmetrical to herself in every single way.

“Now is the place where the crossroads meet, will you look into the future?” 

Elsa is intrigued by the apparition but curiously accepting. After all she’s seen this just makes sense. When you are at death’s door, all moments of life meet and dance as one. Past, present and future are simultaneous, continuous and eternal. Only when one steps outside of that time stream can one understand that every moment of life has always belonged and been as one.

Elsa’s older self takes her cold, wet hand in her own. It’s comfortably warm and welcoming.

“Let me live.” she pleads.

“How? I am Dying, I feel I am already dead.”

“Come on and let me live girl.”

“How can I?”

“Elsa, this moment in time doesn’t belong to you anymore, it belongs to me”

“But I am you.”

“Where on your palm is my little line, when you’re written in mine as an old memory?”

More figures erupt from the ocean with every crash of the waves. Standing as tall and real as the ocean itself.

A curious feeling to know that the Elsa in front of her has already lived a complete life. Maybe we can never really be alone because we are connected to ourselves. All moments linked in a long chain from past to present to future.

Moments in time begin rushing and dancing around her. So many moments of a long life lived. A life that’s so much longer than she can believe.

Is this all still a dream?

Anna and Elsa embracing. Elsa drenched and crying. Kissing the ground and smiling wider than she’s ever smiled.

Elsa telling Anna all the things she should have said a long time ago. Anna crying as she embraces her.

Anna looking at her with eyes full of so much love.

“Elsa, I’m waiting for you.”

Anna kissing Elsa on the brow and wrapping a scarf around her shoulders. Comforting her from nightmares and bringing her bowls of her favorite food.

Anna and Elsa running around in  a rainstorm in nothing but t-shirts and splashing in puddles. Ruining their clothes and not caring one bit.

Kissing in the rain. Looking much older than they are now.

The dance of life is relentless. A kaleidoscope of color and moments. Pain and suffering mixing seamlessly with the beautiful and the comforting.

“You see, you can’t die Elsa dear, your life has only begun.”

Elsa lips curve in a small smile as she watches her own life.

“Come home Elsa.”

“How can I come home?”

“Your little light Elsa.”

What little light?

Curiously detached. Maybe once the imagery of her kissing Anna would have created wonderful blissful feelings. Now it just seems like her life is just a film that she’s seen a thousand times. Just lots of moments to stack around herself like building blocks. 

“I’ll put this moment here.”

“I’ll put this moment here.”

Arranging the moments of her life like she’s stacking shoes on a shoe rack. Taking stock of an existence full of small moments.

“Over here!”

That voice.

Elsa detaches from her own body completely.

Hello earth

Elsa looks at her new toy. Equal parts bemused and awed. When she reaches her hand up in front of her face, she can blot the whole thing out.

“Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo little earth” she giggles like a child. 

You can be anywhere if you detach from the physical. Elsa finds herself here, so far away that she can see the whole earth in her vision. The strangest feeling overcomes her looking at the little ball. A curious desire to protect it and nurture it. To see it for what it really is, small and fragile like all the people who walk upon it.

The freedom of being able to be anywhere all at once brings up so many ideas. could be anywhere, yet she finds herself out here, of the earth and yet not a part of it.

“Peek-a-boo little earth”

Playing her game.

Then she’s driving down the road with Anna in the back seat of  her car, snoring softly with her hair covering her face.

She will have to get her some hot chocolate or something when they get home, Anna’s always liked hot drinks before bed and she must be exhausted. It’s very important and she must not forget.

Some part of her would like to just keep driving around with Anna, listening to something on the radio. Not saying anything but feeling completely connected.

I need to look up at the sky.

The thought comes suddenly and she can’t resist its beckoning. Elsa parks the car on the side of the road. Stepping outside and closing the door carefully so Anna doesn’t wake.

When she’s walked for a while down the dimly lit path, she stops and looks up at the sky.

The stars are all so bright, a million tiny jewels glittering against the pitch black curtain of the night.  There’s something much brighter than everything else up there. Maybe it’s a comet, or a shooting star.

A little light.

“Look at it go!” Elsa cries, she can’t help herself. The sight of it fills her with a joy she can’t explain.

“Look at that little light go!”

The little light is shining in her eyes and as she stares it seems to absorb her. Then she’s back above the world. Watching herself get on the boat.

Elsa wants to call out, to scream at herself to just go home. To her real home.

Get out of the waves, get out of the water.

Some truths are universal. Everybody can suffer and all living beings will die. No amount of understanding can prevent that. So no call to run to safety can mar this storm. Elsa’s voice cannot be heard.

Out of the cloudburst, the head of the tempest.

Now she’s weeping, not just for the loss of her life, but for every person. Every soul.

There she is. Lost at sea. The little light on her life jacket blinking in the darkness. It hurts so much to learn lessons when it’s too late.

The voice is calling for her again.

“Deeper, deeper, somewhere in the deep, there is a light.”

In the depths of sorrow there is always a light. Thinking of Anna, she lets herself fade away.

Go to sleep Elsa.

The morning fog.

The light is blinding. It’s like she’s falling, being born again into the sweet morning fog. The ground feels like it’s moving underneath her like the waves. Unable to walk steadily, she sinks to her knees gratefully onto the sand. Everything is so bright and it’s beautiful. Crying with happiness and relief. By some miracle she has been rescued. Perhaps her wish was granted and they really did spot her little light.

Overcome with elation, she kisses the ground. Elsa has died and been reborn over and over. Gone from the spiritual to the physical to the surreal. Now she’s fallen like a stone onto dry land and she’s been given another chance.

Her mother was right after all. Water holds memories and it holds the truth. The only thing she can think about as the sun shines hot on her sodden skin is finding Anna. To kiss her and hug her and never ever let her go again.

To tell her that after all she’s been through, she can love her better now.

Words: 824
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content: bad parenting
Song: Overthinkin’ by Carly Bannister

###

“Home is where your heart is?” Elsa scoffed at the thought. It was a stupid quote she came across in one of her English novels.

Her parents taught her that home isn’t a place. It’s a feeling. A feeling you can live without and still be successful in life. And she believed them because they never had the time to show her otherwise. Her parents were always working, so she was always alone growing up. She didn’t know what it felt like to have a family, so she built walls around herself and locked everyone out. She became detached from everything and everyone.

When she turned 12, Elsa started living with a nanny while her parents worked in the office. And even when they were finally home at the end of the day, they’d just collapse on the couch and watch TV until bedtime. Elsa didn’t know what it was like to have parents who would help her prepare for her big class presentation or take her to an amusement park on a sunny Saturday afternoon. She grew up knowing that she was better off without them and could do everything herself without needing anyone’s help. She excelled in school, sports, and everything else because she strived to be on top of the game. Still, when it came to love and relationships, Elsa failed miserably every time.

Anna changed that for her, though. She and Anna met during their senior year. Anna’s family had just moved to town, and Elsa was immediately attracted to Anna’s outgoing personality.

When they were paired up to work on an English paper together, Elsa found herself getting lost in Anna’s eyes and her caring nature. After spending countless hours together working on research for their paper, the two became good friends. Elsa found herself opening up to Anna in ways she never did with anyone else before and started falling for her.

During one of their working sessions, Elsa asked Anna what she thought about the idea of home.

“What does that mean?” Anna asked.

“Well, you know,” Elsa said. “It’s a place where children are told they are supposed to feel safe and secure. Or like a place where I’d wait for my parents to come home and spend time with me…”

Anna considered this for a moment. She thought back to her childhood and how much she had loved it. And then she realized: a home is not a place but a feeling.

“It makes you feel safe and warm,” Anna said slowly. “And when you leave it, you always know you can come back.”

Anna’s words made Elsa feel like she was missing something important.

“I’m not sure I understand,” she said.

“What do you mean? Do you not feel the same about your home? “Anna asked.

Elsa shook her head slowly as she looked down. "I’ve never felt any warmth there.”

There were so many things Elsa wanted to say, but all of them seemed too complex for such a simple, concrete concept like “home.”

Anna sensed that there was more to what Elsa was saying, and she gently took Elsa’s hands in hers. “Well, you know where else feels like home?” Elsa looked up at Anna with curiosity, and Anna smiled warmly at her. “Right here.”

###

The more time Elsa spent with Anna, the more attached she became to Anna’s presence and realized that maybe home is a place after all… So Elsa decided to take a chance and ask Anna out on a date before their graduation.

###

Dear Anna,

I wanted to write you this letter because I didn’t want to seem too forward when I asked you out. And also because I’m scared. You have no idea how much courage it took me to write this letter to you. This has been on my mind for a while now, and I thought that I should make the moment happen instead of just waiting for the right moment.

I don’t know if you feel the same way, but since the day we met, something just clicked between us. We got along so well, and we were comfortable with each other. To be honest, I had never felt like that with anyone before.

Before meeting you, I was so cold and lonely. My parents were always busy, so I grew up without anyone in my life, which is why I built a wall around myself. But you’ve given me a whole new outlook on what it means to feel at home; it’s not about having a bedroom or a bathroom or even a kitchen. It’s about feeling loved for who you are and accepted for the person you’re trying to become—and there’s no one else who makes me feel that way the way you do.

What I’m trying to say is that… I’ve got two tickets to the game on Sunday, would you wanna take a chance and come with me?

Love, 

Elsa

April Contest Submission #22: Ground Beneath My Feet

Words: ca. 8,000
Setting: future AU borrowed from podcast called ‘Second Star to the Left’
Lemon: no
Content: minor character death, tragedy, language, Olaf but at least he can’t talk
Song: Coming Home by Rita Ora

Ground Beneath My Feet

“Oh my god, we’re actually doing this. Can you believe it, Olaf?”

A small, white robot  with rounded features beeped encouragingly next to Anna Hartley. In the tiny cockpit of her oversized ship, Anna checked the controls again. “Landing gear is definitely a go… Secondary thrusters are operational… Loose items are secure, all bots are inactivated and buckled up.”

Bee-eep.

“You’re not just a robot, buddy,” Anna said. “You’re my best …pal, my best little guy. My — oof.” The ship had hit some turbulence in the atmosphere. “Okay, yes — strapping myself in now. Oh wow, look! Olaf, that’s our planet down there!”

She gazed out the view screen at the purple orb rushing toward her. A hazy glow shifted around the edges. As Anna’s ship approached, she thought she could almost make out land versus water. This was the first and likely last time she would ever see the planet from space.

Heat and extreme force pushed the thought from Anna’s mind as she grabbed the arm supports and felt her skull press itself into the headrest. “Jesus… Christ! Olaf — I love you, holy shitI’m-gonna-die!Fuck!” Anna couldn’t even hear the words she was screaming over the sound. The sound of a spaceship going in for a landing was apparently extremely loud. They’d said so at scout school, of course, but Anna had assumed it was a slight exaggeration. Everything in the ship was shaking as Anna felt like her earbuds were about to burst. “Oh! my! fucking! … Fuck!” she yelled, her words being drowned out before she could even feel them leaving her mouth.

Then, when she had reached the limit of what she felt she could survive, with what seemed like a sonic boom, everything stopped.

The ship was still. The terrible, deafening sound quieted down quickly to a soft electric whir that left a ringing in Anna’s ears.

She let out a shaky breath.

“Olaf?”

Beep beep!

“Um… Welcome to planet Victor Delta Four Six Zero Four. We’ve made landing, bud. We made it! I survived, holy shit!” Anna laughed, unclicking all of her safety straps.

“Olaf, you’ve been a wonderful companion for the three hundred and seventy-eight days of space travel — don’t get me wrong — but I’ve never been happier to see solid ground.” She opened the outside hatch and walked down the ramp with slightly wobbly legs she would not be documenting in her log.

“Oh, right! Quest Log One, day one planetside,” Anna said, as she gazed all around her. “Successful landing on planet Victor Delta Four Six Zero Four, and holy dang, this planet is so cool! It looks like we hit the correct coordinates for landing and base camp. The ship is in a large meadow, with a sort of neon, violet-colored grass — it’s beautiful. And the trees that surround us are similar to … maybe maples, but the leaves are a deep teal. We’re in this planet’s version of summer, so I literally can’t wait to see what colors autumn might bring.”

Anna squatted down and pulled a small chunk of grass out by its roots and dropped it into a vial. “First flora sample, obtained! Will you start analysis on that, Olaf? And log it please.”

Blip boop

“The ship looks great; I’m gonna let her sit here a while and take in the view before she has to be all switcharoo’d. And in the meantime… start defrost on the seedlings, and activate cartography bots A2 and B1. Hey, guys,” Anna said as two hover robots zoomed out from the ship’s opening. “Do a quick scan of the surrounding area, let’s see what we have to work with. And let me know as soon as you locate our little scoutlet.”

Anna leaned down and patted the top of her controls bot. “Olaf, I think the time has come. It’s been really, really great not having to hear that annoying voice in my ear telling me to pee every three hours, but we’re gonna have to reactivate computer voice commands.”

Bee-oop

“I know, bud. So, then I think we should go ahead and—”

Ding!

“Anna?” a soft, urgent voice rang out in her ears. “Anna Hartley?”

“Uhh… yes?” Anna looked at Olaf in bewilderment.

“Scout Hartley, what on earth happened? Why haven’t I been able to communicate with you until now?”

Anna was beginning to realize what must have happened, but decided to play it a little dumb. “What do you mean? Who are you?”

“I’m — Anna, I’m your scout minder! And my name is Elsa Summers.”

So it was true… Anna defended herself, “I was never made aware that I would have a minder — that’s not a thing! When I got in my ship, three hundred and seventy-eight days ago mind you, all I had was an annoying little synthetic voice in my ear, barking stupid-ass orders at me that I already knew. Can you blame me for figuring out how to deactivate that by day, I don’t know, two hundred?”

“You… you deactivated your computer voice controls yourself, including your emergency alert system, while careening through space in a ship you’ve never flown before, to a planet no human has ever stepped foot on?”

“That is one way of phrasing it, yes,” Anna said. “But now I fixed that, all better, and I have some questions for you, too, lady in my ear.” Anna narrowed her eyes. “For one, when the fuck did they win that vote about the scout minder program? Last I heard, the Settlement office was never going to be willing to pay for such an expensive addition to the scouting department.”

“It was about six months ago,” Elsa said. “And I’ve been assigned to your non-responsive ship for the last three. I’m glad I decided to wait until your scheduled landing before reporting you as deceased.”

“Deceased?” Anna repeated. “Don’t you have my vital signs or something that let you know I just had you muted?”

“All I have is a comm link. Just our voices, floating back and forth through space.”

“Then, no offense, but how do you intend to help me?” Anna asked with a laugh.

“What?”

“You don’t even have visuals. All you have is my word, and all I have is yours. How will that help in any sort of emergency situation?”

“I’m not saying it’s ideal,” Elsa said with a sigh. “But I am here to help. I can offer advice, talk you through things; I can listen. But this brings me to something I need you to do for me. I’m only in your ear for four hours every other day, and that’s not good enough. I need you to have a way to contact me in case of an emergency, so I’m going to need you to build a beacon out of spare parts, so you can ping me.”

“That’s not on my itinerary,” Anna said. “My first order of business is to retrieve my scout bot and bring him home.”

“I — what?” Elsa said, “That’s not on your itinerary either. You need to start your base camp setup, start your bots on ship disassembly and reconstruction.”

“I know my itinerary. How can I break protocol if I don’t know what protocol is?” Anna rolled her eyes. “Let’s get going, Olaf. We have a scout to find.”

“…Olaf?”

“He’s my controls bot. The one we get assigned in second year of scout cadet training.” Anna started walking in the direction her cartography bots had pinged her a couple of minutes ago. “Now, Elsa, how long are you going to be here again? I’m not on this planet to make friends with someone I’ve never met and never will meet; I’m here to scout and to make sure this little rock is inhabitable and ready for my first ship of settlers in five years.”

“I’m … I’m here for another three hours and fifty minutes, but I can log off and back on if you ever need privacy. Either way, I have to log four total hours for each forty-eight hour period. Are you really leaving your base camp site to find the scout bot before starting ship deconstruction?”

“I promised,” Anna said. “If you’ve ever been to scout cadet training, you would know. The day we learn about scout bots and the first successful scouting mission, the whole class goes to a bar and swears an oath of disobedience. The first scout ever, the one who scouted Gaia, he didn’t dismantle his scout bot to be used as spare parts. That bot had just spent months roaming the planet alone, taking in data to determine if a human could even land and breathe there. The scout brought him home to base camp and retired him to a quiet life of daily weather reports. We all promised we would do the same. Scouts have to stick up for scouts.”

Anna stepped into the trees, keeping her eyes open to everything around her. If she might have any close fauna encounters, she needed to be alert.

She mostly ignored Elsa’s voice for the next hour as she hiked through her alien woods for the first time. There seemed to be a prolific blue moss growing on every surface. Anna made sure to grab a sample vial of that for analysis. When she stood back up, she was pretty sure she caught a glimpse of a tree frog leaping away and spreading its limbs out like a sugar glider to catch a drift into the brush.

“Gliding frogs?” Anna murmured in amazement. “Olaf, did you see that?”

Bee-beep!

“And you got an image capture? You’re the best, bud.”

“Did you say a gliding frog?” Elsa’s voice interrupted Anna’s discovery.

She tried not to sigh as she answered, “Yes, I only caught a glimpse, but it looked like a blue tree frog with …sugar glider abilities.”

“That’s… amazing,” Elsa said softly. “You must be excited to name everything.”

“Yeah,” Anna replied. “Yeah, I am.” After a moment of quiet walking through brush, Anna stopped. “There you are, little scoutlet!”

She closed the final distance to reach her weathered scout bot where it sat, stuck on a root. “Aww, Matthias, look at you. You’ve done so good; let’s get you home.”

Anna pulled the bot free from the tree root and powered him back up.

Matthias beeped joyfully and followed behind Olaf, who followed behind Anna as she started walking back toward the landing site.

“Hey Olaf, how are those 3D scans going from the cartography bots? Oh, good! Let’s see… Hey, it looks like the trees around the landing site open up just to the south for a few acres of fields. I should check those out before base camp construction. That might be a better location, and we could plant the first harvests right there, too.”

“Make sure to consider all the factors of a good base camp site,” Elsa chimed in. “Sea level, slope of the ground, proximity to fresh water—,”

“Yeah, no offense, Elsa, but I wasn’t talking to you.” Anna said as she stepped over a log she remembered from the first leg of the hike.

 “I’m …just trying to do my job, Scout Hartley,” Elsa said in a low voice.

Shit. Anna sighed, realizing she’d been too harsh. She just wanted to do this her own way, the way she’d been planning and expecting for months. It wasn’t her fault that the settlement office put someone in her ear she didn’t want or need. But… it was hardly Elsa’s fault, either.

“Sorry, Summers. That was too much.” Before giving her a chance to respond, Anna addressed her bot, “Olaf, new transcript, please. Dear Kristoff. Hey man, I landed today! My planet seems pretty neat so far, lots of trees and pretty colors. I can’t wait to explore further soon. How are you doing? You were supposed to land about a month ago, right? I hope you kept to your promise; I just found my scout bot, myself. Let me know how everything’s going! Fingers crossed you got some mountains — I know how much you love mountains, my guy. Take care… Anna. End transcript.”

“I can pass that along for you, if you’d like,” Elsa said. “It’s part of my job, and Kristoff is actually one of my other scouts.”

“Really?!” Anna exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say so?”

“I didn’t know you two knew each other…”

“We’re buddies from scout cadet training! We graduated together; he’s my best friend. Tell me, did he get mountains?” Anna asked.

“I’ll let him tell you for himself,” Elsa said with a smile in her voice. “But I will say, he’s doing well.”

“That’s good,” Anna smiled. “That’s really good.”

*

*

*

“Quest Log Seven. It looks like I’ve got my first rainy day today, so I’ll definitely be doing some work in the greenhouse. I’m glad I moved the base camp south, to the fields; I think this is a great location for everything. But I’m not far from that adorable meadow we landed in. That’s where I let Matthias settle down for his retirement, if I forgot to say. I think he’ll enjoy the peace and quiet of the meadow. I might even build a bench there for myself someday… seems like a good place to escape to. Especially when my settlers get here — but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I have years of work to do before I ever get to see another human again.”

Beep!

“Yeah, I do have good company in the meantime. You’re right, bud.”

Anna walked from the main research building to the greenhouse, wearing her full space suit to protect herself from the rain. Until she could collect a good sample of it, she had no idea if the rain was safe to let touch her skin.

The freshwater stream that flowed half a mile south of her pastures had tested to be completely safe, so there was a good chance the rain was harmless, but you can never be too careful your first week on an alien planet.

The first month was when the majority of scout deaths occurred, and Anna didn’t like to spend much time thinking about those statistics.

But hey, Kristoff had already pulled through the danger zone! Now if he would just respond to her letter… He was such a guy, why was it taking him so long to reply? It wasn’t like Anna was expecting a novel in response.

Maybe Elsa would have a letter from him when she called in today. Anna had already had two more scout minder sessions with Elsa, which had been super boring when pretty much all Anna was doing for a few days had been overseeing her construction bots building base camp. But now Anna’s spaceship was completely dismantled and turned into a fully functional research camp, future colony base, and — well, home. Which meant it was time to really get to work!

Ding!

“Good morning, Anna!” Elsa’s voice sounded in her ears.

“Morning,” Anna replied. “Or… what time of day is it for you? Wherever you are.”

“It’s afternoon, actually. Just after my lunch hour.”

“Good afternoon, then.” Anna said.

“Thank you. How is everything going?”

“Great. Yesterday was pretty uneventful, although I did see a really cool bird. It was purple, to camouflage with the grass. Today it’s raining, so I’m just about to start planting some more seedlings in the greenhouse.”

“Ah, I see you’re following the itinerary for the day, then,” Elsa said with a sly smile creeping into her voice.

“Wouldn’tyou like to know,” Anna smirked.

Their arguments had been becoming less malicious and more banter-y each time Elsa called. Anna wasn’t doing it on purpose; she’d rather be snippy and ignore the woman, but instead she was starting to find the soothing voice almost welcome in her ear. Almost.

“I have something for you, Anna. Sending it over now.”

“Oh. Finally, Kris!” Anna read aloud from her tablet:

“Anna:

Hey dude, glad you landed safe. Things are cool so far. There are a bunch of snow-capped mountains to the west, hoping to get that way soon, but it’s on the cusp of the inhabitable zone of my planet.

Did you really break protocol to get your scout bot? I kinda thought we were all joking about that, but now that I think of it, an Anna-promise is pretty much unbreakable, so I should’ve known you would actually follow through. You’re insane and I love it. Be safe, though. Tell me about your planet when you get a chance.

Kristoff.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Kristoff,” Anna smiled. “But I can’t believe he broke our fucking oath.”

“Yeah, he wasn’t even tempted to go get his scout bot on day one,” Elsa commented.

“You must love him.”

“He’s certainly a bit easier to handle than …others.”

“You only have one other besides me. I know you mean me,” Anna laughed as she prepped trays of soil and fertilizer for the new seedlings.

“Sure, you caught me. But I do love a challenge,” Elsa said.

Something on Elsa’s line beeped, causing her to rush off. “Sorry, someone’s pinging me. I’ll call back later!”

After the line went dead, Anna turned to Olaf. “Hmm. I hope that’s not an emergency…”

Bee-oop

“Also, is she getting more fun, or am I getting … nicer?”

Beep

“Wait, don’t answer that.”

*

*

*

The daffodil sky was closing behind Anna as she and Olaf entered the forest to the west of base camp. She was excited to finally explore in this direction, now that she had a few months under her belt.

It was spring now, and the best part about that was definitely the little pink, edible flowers that had cropped up all over the grassy areas. Anna had run a bunch of tests on them and, once they were determined to be safe, she’d started adding them to her meals for a fresh bite. They even made a pretty good tea along with the blue herb she found in the woods behind the greenhouse.

“Olaf, could you be a dear and open a new transcript? Ahem. Hey, Kris. I heard you’re out on your first mountain expedition trip! I’m so happy for you bud. How many days do you expect to be away from camp? You’d better be careful. I myself am on a little mapping excursion today - heading west just like you! My west is more forest, but it leads to a shore, I guess an ocean. I can’t wait to take water samples and see if there’s any ocean life here. Or little crabs with ten claws, or fire-breathing lizards or something. Anyway, I could talk your ear off all day, but I’ll let you go. Have fun climbing mountains! Lots of love, Anna. End transcript.”

Beep blip

“Yeah Olaf, could you go ahead and send that to Elsa? She’s a little late to call me today, but I want Kristoff to get that soon.”

Beep!

“Thanks, pal.”

Anna kept walking for another half hour through trees that were starting to thin out and have more teal vines than usual. “I can tell we’re getting close, Olaf! Only half a mile to the beach.”

Ding!

“Hey, Anna! Sorry I’m a bit late. The coffee maker was jammed and unless I was going to settle for the instant crystals, I was fixing it mys— oh god, sorry — I shouldn’t be talking about good coffee when you’re probably light years away from your beverage of choice.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” Anna was just happy to hear her voice. “My favorite is hot chocolate and I actually have the cocoa powder necessary for a few bangin cups. Just been waiting for a special occasion.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Elsa was definitely smiling on the other side of space. “How is your day going?”

“No complaints,” Anna said as she walked slowly through the forest, always on the lookout for new discoveries like the cute marsupial she spotted a month prior. “Today I’m on my routine mapping expedition, to the west! There’s supposed to be a beach and I want to see what the water and possible marine life is like.”

“Oh, yes! I forgot you were taking a trip, too. I’ve been so focused on Kristoff’s big mountain hike, everything else keeps slipping from my mind.”

“It’s no biggie,” Anna said. “This is just a little day trip compared to Kristoff’s. Are you worried about him? I don’t know if I should be worried…”

“I’m trying not to worry, but there are definitely risks he’s taking in order to do this. But I shouldn’t be telling you that. He’ll be fine; he says he’s a very capable mountaineer.”

“Oh, he definitely is,” Anna said. “But these are whole new mountains. I just hope he’s being careful.”

“You and me, both,” said Elsa. “Oh, I forwarded your letter to him, by the way.”

“Thanks, Elsa!” Anna clipped a section of vine and dropped it into a sample vial. “Do you think you could talk for a bit while I keep hiking?”

“Um, sure, what would you like me to talk about?”

“These calls are always about me and what I’m doing… I want to know more about you. Tell me about your life, where you are, your favorite things, I don’t know. Anything.”

Elsa was quiet for a moment, deciding where to start. “Well, right now I live and work aboard a space station in the Gaia sector. I grew up on Gaia, in New Europa, near Norwedge.”

“Fellow Gaian! What’s your family like?”

“They’re… great. Best parents you could ask for, and a little sister, who — well, she’ll always be twelve in my mind… Always dreaming of space and far off planets…” Elsa cleared her throat. “Um, I like coffee, obviously. My favorite food is probably chicken alfredo. I love music, and I like to play the piano and come up with my own little melodies.”

Anna gasped. “Do you sing? Can you sing for me?”

“Uh…” she laughed. “Maybe someday.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

*

“There it is! Elsa, I just stepped out of the trees and I can see the water! The shore slopes down to the most gorgeous beach.”

“That’s incredible! Be cautious of everything,” Elsa warned, always the worrier. “This is a whole new ecosystem from the one you’re used to.”

“The beach — oh, um Quest Log a hundred and sixty-ish? The beach is coated in smooth rocks, of every color. It’s like a mosaic. Bright and beautiful,” Anna said as she carefully made her way closer. She took a moment to step into her rubber waterproof boot-overalls, made for wading into swamps and rivers. “Just gotta collect a sample for my mobile water testing kit… and there we go. I should have results really quickly, and then I’ll know if I can—”

Beep bep!

“Wow, done already? Let’s see… Oh, sweet! It’s freshwater. And… toxicity: zero percent. Chemical analysis shows nothing that’s harmful to humans. Should still be purified before ingesting, but do you know what this means, Elsa?”

“Hmm?”

“It’s fucking bath-time, baby!”

“Are you really — Anna, please don’t—!”

“I am already half-naked and counting.”

“Jesus Christ.” Elsa sighed. “You have no self-preservation.”

Anna waded into the water. “Oh! That’s … heh, that’s chilly!”

“For the love of god, be careful, Anna.”

“I’m being so careful. Huh, it’s not so bad once you get used to the temperature. It’s actually kinda warm now.”

“Anna Hartley, do I have to be the one to tell you not to pee in the alien ocean?”

“Pssh,” Anna rolled her eyes. “I already did.”

“Anna!”

“Kidding, sheesh… or amI?”

For a couple minutes, Anna swished the water over her skin, washing away all the dirt and grime that her freezing little makeshift bathtub at home couldn’t get.

She was on the lookout for movement in the water, but wasn’t seeing any visible signs of life. As she relaxed her shoulders into the water, Anna wished Elsa was there with her. The thought startled her a little, but she supposed it made sense. Elsa was her lifeline right now. And… Anna had never even…

She took a deep breath. “Elsa?”

“Hmm?”

“Um… I’m sorry,” Anna said.

“For what? Your recklessness or your charming personality?”

“No,” Anna cleared her throat, “I’m sorry I treated you with so much hostility when we met, and I’m sorry I had you muted in the first place. You were just trying to do your job, and I was… I don’t know, hung up on how I imagined this.” She watched her fingers fiddle around with the surface of the water.  “Me and my bots, alone in the universe. I was ready for that — or, I thought I was. Truth is, having you on the other end of that line makes me feel like I’m rooted to something. Like I’m home. I never thought I would have someone physically talking to me out here, but I’m glad that I do. And —”

“…And?”

“And I’m glad… that it’s you.”

“Anna,” Elsa said. “Thank you for the apology, but I don’t blame you for how you reacted. Like, at all. I get it. You were blindsided, and maybe you wouldn’t have been if you had kept your commands online, but still, I can understand the mindset you were in. And I even appreciate your levels of sarcasm that blow anything I’d experienced before right out of the water. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone challenge me like that, and bring out a playfulness that I forgot I had. So… thank you. And I’m honored to be your link to something that feels like home. You actually remind me of that feeling, too, believe it or not.”

“Really?” Anna asked.

“Yeah. Really. In fact, I— oh shit.”

“Elsa?”

“I’ve gotta go, Kristoff just pinged me.”

“Fuck! Call me back— …later. She’s gone. Olaf, she’s gone.”

Anna moved as quickly through the water as she could to the shore, sending frothy splashes everywhere. She ran in her underwear across the smooth rainbow stones, some prickling into her feet as she went, to her pile of clothes and supplies.

“Kristoff, what the fuck did you do?”

*

Anna was dry, dressed, and mindlessly taking environmental readings with Olaf along the beach by the time Elsa called her back.

Ding!

“…Anna?”

“I’m here,” Anna said quickly. “Wh-what happened? Is he ok?”

Elsa cleared her throat. When she spoke, her voice sounded weird. “He… I think… I lost him.”

“What?” Anna breathed.

“He pinged me. I called him within seconds… All I could hear was interference and the word… ‘avalanche’ before… everything cut out.”

Anna stared at a blue stone near her feet. Her mouth was suddenly very dry and it felt like she couldn’t fill her lungs. “Are you sure? Did you call him back— did you—?”

“I’ve called him back about fifty times since then. No answer.”

Anna tried to steady her breathing. It was getting shakier, closer to sobs with each second. It wasn’t until she heard Elsa make a small squeak, and she realized her scout minder was crying, that her walls broke down and Anna felt her face’s composure instantly crumble.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” she cried, falling to the rocks beneath her feet. “No,” Anna sobbed. “Not Kristoff, not Kris.”

Elsa was crying softly in Anna’s ear as she tried to console her. “I’m so sorry, Anna.” She sniffled. “I wish I could do something. I feel so helpless.”

Anna was too lost in sobs for any of Elsa’s words to find their place in her ear.

She curled into a ball on the beach and cried until it felt like she must have turned the ocean to saltwater.

*

*

*

“Quest log one hundred and eighty one,” Anna said, loading up the back of her atv with trays of started plants from the greenhouse. “Today we’re working with the agrobots to get our first outdoor harvest planted in pasture one. I have trays of potatoes, peppers, onions, cabbage, and… carrots, all ready for planting. Pause recording.”

She drove the ‘four-wheeler’ hovercraft from the greenhouse toward pasture one, past the mess hall and main research building. Several agrobots followed behind Anna and Olaf, ready to dig irrigation channels and rows of holes for planting.

“Olaf, could you open a new transcript?”

Beep!

“Uh, hey… Kristoff…” Anna sighed. “…End transcript.”

She set her jaw as she drove the rest of the way to the empty field she was headed for.

When the atv came to a stop, she stepped off, surveying the expanse of dark dirt, which had been a field of magenta grass before they plowed it yesterday. “Okay. Ag bots A1, A2, and A3, please start marking rows. We have six types, I think three rows for each will cover it. So, eighteen rows across, dig three inch holes all the way to pasture two. Got it?”

A small chorus of beeps answered her.

Anna sat on the edge of the hovercraft, watching the three bots zoom away. Olaf nudged her leg.

Bee-ep.

“Yeah. You’re right. New transcript, please.” Anna chewed on her lip for a moment. “Hey, man.” She rubbed her forehead. “You know, Kris, for the first few days after… the beach, I could feel a hope burning in my chest. I was so sure that at any second, Elsa was gonna call me and say you pinged her. You had just been knocked unconscious and woke up in the snow, all confused.”

A tear formed in each of Anna’s eyes; she blinked and looked toward the pale yellow sky. “But each day I woke up, I could feel that hope draining away, a little more, a little more. Now, it’s been two weeks,” she breathed out a shaky laugh. “I know you’re gone. And I don’t know what the fuck to do, man. I - I knew the statistics — we weren’t both likely to make it to settler day… but I never actually imagined a scenario where I was here on my planet and couldn’t send you a letter. Or I could, but it would never reach you, and I would never get one back.”

She wiped away a tear as it fell, and sniffed. “I think the worst part is knowing that this doesn’t even change the fact that we were never going to see each other again, anyway. We knew that. And now here we are; you’re dead and I’m still talking to you in the exact same format I’d be using if you were still alive. Way out here, on this rock where there’s a good chance I might never live to see another person, what does it even matter if my loved ones are alive or dead?”

Bee-oop bop

“…Yeah, buddy, you’re right. It does matter. It matters to me.” Anna smiled sadly at Olaf. “End transcript.”

After a few minutes of watching her bots dig tiny holes in the dirt, Anna stood up. “Well, what do you say we get planting?”

Beep!

“Ag bots B1 and B2, could you follow behind with a couple trays? Let’s start on… potatoes.”

“Mmm, potatoes,” a voice said in her ears.

“Oh, Elsa! I must not have heard your ding.”

“Morning, Anna. Sorry if I startled you.”

“No, you’re all good. I’m just a bit …preoccupied these days.”

Elsa made a sound of understanding. “And how are you doing, Anna?” She asked softly.

“Oh, me? I’m fine. I’m — I’m good. So good.” Anna cringed at how unconvincing that was.

“Mmhmm,” Elsa said. “Well, like usual, I’m not going to push you. But I’m here, okay? And… I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but I’m struggling, too.”

“You are?” Anna asked, before correcting herself, “I mean, of course you are. You knew him, too. You probably feel responsible — but you shouldn’t. There was nothing you could do.”

“I know,” she said. “Thank you. But my current struggles are running even deeper than this latest tragedy. I really shouldn’t get into them with you; it’s not appropriate to offload personal issues onto one of my scouts.”

“But, Elsa… I’m not just — I’m not just one of your scouts anymore, am I? We’re friends.”

“Yeah, of course,” she said. “I’m sorry. You mean a lot to me, Anna. I shouldn’t have suggested otherwise.” Elsa sighed.

“I’m serious, you can talk to me,” Anna said.

“It’s just that — I thought that if I took this job, I could throw myself into it,” Elsa began. “I could care so much about a few other people’s problems, light years away from me, that maybe my own problems would stop trying to drown me. Or at least, I’d feel it less. And it sort of worked, for a while. I did find myself distracted from the weight of my own grief when I’d be talking to you or Kristoff, or my other scout. When there was an emergency and I felt needed, I wasn’t thinking about myself at all. But after Kristoff… I cracked under the added stress and realized that my problems were all still here, just as strong, only muted.

“Do you… want to talk about it? Do you think that’s how these …problems might need to be dealt with?” Anna asked, while knowing how much she herself did not want to talk about losing Kristoff.

“I don’t want to talk about it, ever.” Elsa sighed. “But I think it would help.”

“Well, if you want, I’m all ears. Whenever you’re ready, Elsa. I’m just dropping plants into holes, so I’ve got all day.”

“Thanks. I think I’m ready,” she said. “So, alright then. I grew up with a little sister and both of my parents on Gaia; I already told you that much. We always dreamed of being settlers on a new planet or moon. We just weren’t city people, and loved the idea of a small community learning about a new environment together. Then eventually, I went off to study literature and music, and my family kept dreaming without me… My sister was about twelve when they decided to go. They didn’t give me much warning; they didn’t want my input. I would’ve done anything to stop them, to keep them from leaving me behind. Before I knew it, they were on a settlement ship, headed for a brand new world.

“I would hear from them all the time, letters every week. They loved it there. My little sister made friends with the other kids; she was the oldest of them and I think she really liked that. About ten months in, there was an extreme storm. Really extreme. Half of the community was killed when one of the buildings they were sheltering in collapsed, including my mom… My dad sent me word of it, and he said almost everything they had was damaged beyond repair— buildings, crops, rations. It was only a matter of a few weeks before everyone else started being picked off by the elements, or hunger, or untreated injuries. And then after a certain point, I never received another letter, and I can only assume every single one of them died.”

Anna stayed quiet long after Elsa was done telling her story. After a couple of minutes she cleared her throat. “I’m so sorry, Elsa. I can’t imagine… what it felt like to go through that. Is that — if you don’t mind me asking — is that why you wanted to be a scout minder? To… I don’t know, help someone on a scouting planet survive when your family couldn’t?”

“Maybe.” Elsa sighed. “Sometimes I don’t even know. Sometimes it feels like the stupidest thing I could’ve decided to do. Like I’m just torturing myself by interacting at all with the world of settlements and scouting.”

“It sounds kinda like torture to me.”

“But then — I meet someone like you. Someone who consistently makes me forget my pain, and can always put a smile on my face. You actually, uh, remind me a lot of my sister. In a good way.”

“Oh,” Anna was surprised. “I’m …glad! So then, not to speak ill or anything, but it’s safe to assume she was a little shit?”

Elsa laughed. She kept laughing even when it sounded like it may have been through tears. “Yes. Yes! She was such a little shit. God… I haven’t been able to let myself think that since she’s been gone. It felt too irreverent, but you’re right. That’s one of my fondest memories of her, how she was so chaotic and mischievous. Thankyou.”

“For what?” Anna asked.

“For listening; for bringing her back to life for me. For giving me a piece of home.”

*

*

*

“Quest log… four twenty? Have I already used that one?”

Beep!

“Shit, whatever. Anyway, it’s day… insert large number here, on planet Annaland. I’ve been here for two and a half years. Years! I am halfway to Settler Day. That’s simultaneously unbelievable and super daunting. It feels like forever ago that I landed and started building this place. And I have precisely that same portion of forever left to go until I can meet my people and start to share this little home with other humans.

“I’m steadily into my third winter on-planet, which is fine because the weather is pretty temperate all year. The forest leaves are gone and the grasses have turned dark orange, but winter isn’t very harsh here. My coldest recorded day so far was about a year ago at fifty-seven point one degrees fahrenheit.”

Blip-beeep!

“Yeah, I know you thought it was really cold, buddy. Anyway, I’m super excited because today is data package retrieval day! I usually don’t give a shit when these roll around every three months, besides the fact that I have to send over all my readings, visual data, and quarterly reports. I just don’t have anyone out there to send me things… Until now, anyway. Elsa said she was going to send me something.”

Olaf rolled back and forth, issuing out a few happy beeps.

“Here we are…” Anna said, opening the file. “Dear Anna, I caved the other day and snooped around in your records because I wanted to know what you looked like. Turns out you’re even more … oh my god, Olaf! Turns out you’re even more beautiful than I was imagining. But then I felt bad, because you couldn’t do the same, until I realized I could send you an image in your next data package! So, here you go. Just so we’re even, you know. Sorry I didn’t send an audio file; guess you’ll have to keep waiting to hear me sing. Take care and talk to you soon!

Elsa.”

Anna’s cheeks were bright red as she read the letter a second time. “She… thinks I’m beautiful? She already imagined I was beautiful? Oh my god.” She buried her face in her hands.

Beep! Beep!

“I’m getting there, Olaf. Give me a second to swoon, Jesus Christ. Okay okay, I’m opening the image file now.” Anna gasped. “Els— I didn’t realise I’ve been talking to a fucking… goddess!”

She stared at Olaf with her jaw dropped, then looked back at the picture of a young woman with shiny pale blonde hair cascading down past her shoulders. She was smiling gently at the camera with big blue doe eyes. Anna placed a hand over her heart. “And she thought whatever crappy ID photo she scrounged up of me was beautiful?! Dear god, how am I gonna talk to her now, while I’m trying to pretend I’m not deeply in love with her? Well, I mean I already was. Obviously. But now there’s a gorgeous face to match the goddamn gorgeous voice.”

Beep blip beep?

“Oh. I’m really still recording my quest log? Do you think I should delete some of…? Pssh, it’s fine. There’s no way she actually listens to all these. End recording.”

*

*

*

The next day, Elsa called in when Anna was drawing up plans for a school house. There were usually a few families with kids in the first group of twenty-five or so settlers. She wanted to be prepared for them way ahead of time, so it seemed like as good of a time as any to start planning.

Ding!

“Hey, Elsa!” Anna smiled, putting her pen down. The image of her blonde scout minder flirted around her memory, causing her to blush.

“Anna! Good hi. I mean, hi, morning. Hello.”

Anna side-eyed Olaf. “Hello… Everything okay, Els?”

Elsa cleared her throat. “Yep, just peachy! How’s the weather?”

“Uh. It’s fine. Seriously, are you okay? You’re acting so weird.”

The next few seconds of silence were agonizing before Elsa said, “You know I do listen to your logs. Right? You know that?”

All the color drained from Anna’s face. “Fuck. Listen, I can explain…”

“No, no, don’t—,”

“I was just being—,”

“Anna! Shut up for a second!” Elsa said sharply, before continuing in a softer tone, “I’m sorry, I just — I don’t want you to take it back. I don’t want you to say you were kidding. I desperately want you to have meant every word of what you said.”

“What?” Anna felt like time had slowed down.

“There’snothing I crave more than for you to feel the same way about me as I feel about you.”

“You…” Anna whispered, “You like me?”

“I love you,” Elsa said. “Every other day, on the days I don’t get to talk to you, all I do is sit and think about you, and worry what might be happening over there. And every time you answer my calls, the biggest wave of relief and affection washes over me. It scares me to death that this is happening again— that the person I care about most in the universe is stuck on a scouting planet, alone. But I wouldn’t trade what I feel about you for anything.”

Anna let out a nervous laugh. “I don’t know what to say. I care about you so much, Elsa. Sometimes I wonder if it’s love, or if it’s circumstance — you are my only human contact, after all — but I’m starting to not really care? About the reasons? I just know how I feel about you, and that’s all I know.”

“That’s okay,” Elsa said. “You don’t need to know more than that.”

“But… where’s all this going? I never get to imagine that far. I’m here on this planet, never leaving for years, and you’re on a station near Gaia, stuck in my ears.”

“Wow, you should write poetry. That was good.”

“I …did that by accident. But I’m serious! I can’t ask you to give up your chance at a normal love life to, I don’t know, be fucking long distance girlfriends who’ll probably never meet and be destined to end in heartbreak one way or the other.”

“That’s… a very dramatic way to look at the situation, even if it has some truth.” Elsa said. “Why don’t we just take it one day at a time? And today, I say: I love you, Anna. And I wish I could hold you right now.”

Anna sighed. “You’re right. I was getting ahead of ourselves. If we’re talking about today, here and now… I love you, too, Elsa. And I’d do… some really sketchy shit to be in your arms right now.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Elsa smiled through her voice. “So, back to the weather, then. It’s pretty nice today?”

*

*

*

“Okay, Olaf. Quest log one thousand, three hundred and twenty-something. Today we’re installing a footpath a quarter-mile through the forest, from the community to Matthias Meadow. It’s been a few months since we cleared the trees for the path, and everything has had a chance to settle and decay. I’m gonna start loading up the atv with those big stones we gathered at the beach. We’ll also need all that wood we collected and cut into planks. Let’s put all construction bots on duty, hauling those boards to the edge of the woods.”

For hours, Anna and the bots worked, hauling wood and stone. Construction bots placed the planks for the path, one step closer to the meadow each time, and Anna lined the edges with all of the large colorful stones she’d been harvesting over the years near Kristoff Memorial Beach.

At the end of the day, as light was fading, they reached the meadow, where Anna had constructed a bench next to Matthias about a year previous. Once she sent the construction bots all back to camp, she plopped down onto the bench, exhausted from lifting and bending all day to place each rock. Olaf joined her, although he had merely watched the more qualified bots and the human do all of the hard work.

Ding-a-ling!

Anna checked her tablet.

“Oh! Olaf, the data package from my settler ship is here! Hans just sent it over; at least that asshole is good for something.”

Anna glanced through the list of files.

“Wow, I think I got a response to my welcome letter from at least half of our people! We have a nurse named Gerda, a smith and repairman called Kai, a school teacher with two kids of her own… This is really going to be a whole community!”

Beep-blip!

“Just think, buddy. In less than two months, a new ship is gonna land here and twenty-six beautiful people are going to walk off of it and start to share this rock with us. And they’re going to be looking to me for guidance and help creating this world into a community.”

After reading all of the other letters, Anna reached the file she was most excited for. It sent electric butterflies through her stomach as she clicked on it.

“Anna, darling, play the video, then read the rest of the letter,” Anna read. “Alrighty, here goes nothing.”

Immediately, a video played. Elsa’s upper half was in the frame as she sat at a piano. “I know how long you’ve been waiting for me to sing,” she said. “This is a song from decades ago, on Earth Prime. It… always reminds me of you.” As soon as the song started, Anna was so transfixed she didn’t feel the tears racing down her cheeks.

“….Ground beneath my feet, I need that

Ground beneath my feet, to feel that - I need that

Home, I’m coming home, I’m coming home

‘Cause it’s life that I’ve been living in my home

Home, I’m coming home, I’m coming home

'Cause I’m tired of being out here on my own…”

When the video ended, Anna delayed reading the rest of the letter as long as she could, not wanting to come to the end of it. “I knew she was a great singer; I knew it! How are you so perfect, Elsa?” She asked, finally making a move to close the video screen. The rest of the letter reappeared:

You’ve been so patient, Anna Hartley. Hopefully this will tide you over until we get there — I can’t wait! As soon as you get these lovely people settled in (I’ve been making some friends already!), I want you to show me the meadow you landed in — the one where Matthias rests… the place we spoke our first words to each other. I love you and miss you more with each passing day. Be safe! I’ll see you soon.

Love,

Elsa.

PS. There’s about seven pounds of cocoa powder in my luggage; hope you’re ready for some “bangin” hot chocolate!

Anna smiled long after reading the words. Then she sighed and shook her head. “Dammit, Elsa, the meadow thing was gonna be a surprise! Now you’ll think it was all youridea!”

Once the sun had set, they stood up. Anna hummed as she followed Olaf’s glow on the new path back to base camp. Soon, she’d have to start calling that something else. Something more like The Settlement.

Something more like home.

Words:  ca. 5,500
Setting: Solarpunk AU
Lemon: no
Content:  Angst, nudity

It had been a long time since Anna had seen an Old-World style city. Overhead, there loomed shiny steel towers with sparkling windows that let one peer into identical dreary offices. Her eyes were drawn downwards towards the blurred wide streets that passed by. Quaint vehicles in similar styles passed by in a myriad of vivid colors. Large billboards- readable even from the train- held a dazzling array of advertisements for every thing imaginable. There were even little strange delights that one might see in a glance, like a tiny restaurant or little saplings.

Anna took in the delightfully strange view and couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to live here. But then, maybe it would be like living in a tourist location. Was this a tourist location? She supposed that it must be, considering how dedicated it seemed to be to replicating the Old World.

Anna pulled out her smart device, and her legs began to bounce. Today was her first day at the new archive she had been transferred to, and there was no way she was going to come unprepared. Not that she was quite sure how she would, but re-reading the email and texts couldn’t hurt.

Today would be the day and everything would go great. This, she felt sure of. She had been transferred because of her specialty, and everyone else there would be similarly skilled. They could even become new friends that bonded over the materials being archived! Yes, this would be amazing.

——————–

The train slowly chugged to a halt. Anna glanced at the display and determined that yes, this was her stop. She got up, gathered her things, and braved the first step onto the platform. With her destination in walking distance, the nerves almost seemed to be louder.

Would she be in a shiny steel tower? A dingy underground tunnel? Some mix of the two crammed in a nook? 

Her question was quickly answered as she laid eyes on the archive building. A squat thing, compared to the skyscrapers next to it. Wide, shaped similarly to an octahedron and made of sun-bleached bricks that were at some point tan. The roof was similarly simple, black and flat- likely with an access. Completely old-fashioned, but more something you would find outside of a city.

Anna grinned when she approached the sliding glass door and saw that the carpeted entryway appeared to be lit by some green light. Her first thought was to wave her hand under it and stare when her hand did indeed change color. Okay, this place was already great.

Behind the front desk stood a brown-haired woman who appeared to be reorganizing its contents, with a book next to her. Anna, in turn, stepped up and greeted her potential new friend and colleague.

“Hey there, I’m Anna!”

The woman looked up.

“Oh, hello, my name is Belle.”

“I’m sorry, it’s a little early now. We’re not currently open to the public,” she said.

“Wh- oh! No, no I work here. Or well, I work here now, today’s my first day,” Anna replied.

“Oh! I’m so sorry,” said Belle.

“No no, it’s okay.”

“Okay well, do you want me to show you around?”

“That would be great, thanks!” 

“Here,” Belle gestured behind her towards a room that seemed more brightly lit than the rest of the archive, “this is the office we have.”

Anna stepped over the threshold and very nearly swooned. The room itself had a large, rectangular central table that held veritable mountains of Old World artifacts. Aside from the straight-backed wooden chairs tucked under it, there were also cozy armchairs in a corner with a table. Said corner appeared to have the materials to make several different types of coffee. That would definitely be appreciated.

“Oh wow…”

“Isn’t it amazing? I just love all the things that people used to write. Here! Look at this old newspaper!” Belle shoved a random yellowed old paper at Anna.

“Woah, slow down!” Anna shouted, on the verge of laughter.

She then looked at the headline proper, trying to make sense of the words in her face.

‘West Point cadet earns Soldier’s Medal for his dying act’

Anna blinked. She had a suspicion that people being dead was not what Belle was referring to, but boy if that wasn’t unfortunate. More than unfortunate, tragic even.

“Wait, what? That’s not nice at all.”

Belle’s eyebrows raised as she checked the headline and blanched. She then casually placed the newspaper back without breaking eye contact.

“Well, most of them. Some are just terribly sad.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“You think it’ll become relevant to some historian?” asked Belle.

“Oh, totally. People are crazy for anecdotes about people from the past, especially if they’re sad.” replied Anna.

After their initial discussion, the two got to proper work. The items would not catalogue themselves, and someone had to make sure that no visitors were lost or messed up the organization. That was what Anna enjoyed the most, the feel of ancient objects beneath her hands, and the scent of aged papers and books. There was nothing quite like it.

——————–

“See you tomorrow!” shouted Anna as she left, waving to Belle.

Once outside, she felt alive again. The fresh air felt delightful in her nose, though the brightness from the sun compared to the archives burned momentarily. Working there would take some getting used to, especially with the sheer lack of windows. 

What was with the Old World and their decidedly bipolar stance on windows anyways? The walls seemed to either be all windows or just forgo natural light. What a weird place, and wow it must be weird having to be a building inspector in such a place.

Dazed with thoughts of her surroundings, Anna very nearly missed the desperate looking gorgeous woman. 

‘Wait, what?’

Her brain screeched to a halt as she took in all of the elements of what was going on. Panicked pacing. Repeated running of fingers through hair. A vehicle. A woman that made Anna’s heart clench just by looking at her. A woman that needed help! She stumbled a bit as her legs were still somewhat frozen instead of moving to help.

When she approached, Anna could hear the woman murmuring to herself, “No, no, no, no…”

Anna cleared her throat and said, “Heya! You look g- like you need help. Yes. Is everything okay?”

The woman looked at Anna and said, “No, not particularly.”

“What’s wrong?” asked Anna.

“My car won’t turn on. I fear that I won’t be able to get home now,” she replied, biting her lip.

“Oh! Why don’t you take the train until someone fixes it?” 

The woman blinked a few times. “The train?”

Anna smiled and said, “Well yeah! I mean, how else do you get around?”

“With a car?” said the woman.

‘Oh. They were called cars.’ “Ah. Yes, I guess- yeah. Yeah that would make sense. But you’ve taken the train before, right?” asked Anna.

“I actually haven’t. Guess I just never needed to before,” she replied.

“Oh! Well, why don’t you do that? That should get you home!” said Anna.

  The woman fidgeted in place for a moment, with a look of discomfort that flashed across her face. “I uh, wouldn’t know how.”

“That’s okay, I could help you,” said Anna.

“Really?” something like gratitude emanated from her, though Anna wasn’t sure if that’s what it was.

“Yes. Really. I won’t let the train monster eat you.”

“Thewhat?”

——————–

Anna sat on the train right next to the woman to whom she definitely felt no attraction. Said woman had the demeanor and timidity of a newborn fawn, and was very nearly attached to Anna’s elbow. Not that Anna minded, or that anybody else would notice. Her posture was so perfectly rigid that it was wholly possible that she might have become a statue in the interim.

“So, what’s your name?” 

The woman started, then said: “My name? Oh, it’s Elsa.”

“Hey Elsa, mine’s Anna.” 

“Anna huh? Well, I thank you for all of the help. Truly.”

“It’s no problem at all! Do you need help again tomorrow? Cause I can do that. Not that I would, if you don’t want me to.”

Elsa let out the tiniest giggle. Anna very nearly died on the spot. 

“I would be most grateful, but I’ll be okay.”

“You sure? I mean, we left your car back there.”

“Oh yes, that was not mine, per se.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No, no you have to understand. Cars in the city are not only self-driving, but rented from a communal pool. It decreases the amount of waste.”

“…Huh, I wouldn’t think that. Y’know, with this being in the style of the Old World.”

“A lot of people wouldn’t. But you have to remember that the city is modernized, even if the style is old.”

“Yeah, I guess that’d make sense, huh.”

“Mmhm.”

Elsa smiled at Anna, who promptly realized that she needed to check her smart device. Her cheeks burned as she dug around beneath her seat. Eventually, she was forced to emerge when she realized that Elsa had stood up.

Elsa waved daintily at her, as she took a shaky step away from the seat.

“Well, this is my stop.”

Anna couldn’t help but feel disappointment well up in her chest. “See you, then.”

“I hope so. We’ll probably see each other tomorrow.”

“Sounds good.”

And it did. It really, really did.

——————–

Anna took two steps, fell onto her bed, and screamed into the pillow. Her mind raced with possibilities and hypotheticals that had opened up that day. She could barely hold still and kicked her legs. It occurred to her that it might be somewhat of an overreaction, given that everything that happened was today.

She swung her legs off the side, hyperventilated, and dialed her best friend with shaky hands. There was no way she could sit still, not now, not with these possibilities!

“Maren. Maren you’re not gonna believe this!” Anna practically squealed.

“Believe what? Gee Anna, you’re excited. See a pretty girl out there?” replied Honeymaren. Anna could almost hear the smirk.

“YES!”

Maren laughed and said, “Yeah? How’d that go?”

“Oh. My gosh. It went amazingly! I helped her, and she smiled, and she laughed, and oh gosh Maren, she was super pretty! I think we could actually be friends!”

“And you’re gay, Anna.”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I’m happy for you. Hope everything goes well with the woman you just met today.”

“Stereotypes, Maren! They exist for a reason!”

“Heh, yeah, I guess they do.”

Anna spun in a circle and told Honeymaren about the rest of her day. She felt on top of the world, nothing could stop her. She had a job, she had a friend, she had a new one! Dizzy with excitement, she lay down and laughed for a long while. 

She went to bed that night truly happy.

——————–

Anna did not expect Elsa to get on the train one morning. She expected even less for her to get on the train, and beeline directly next to her. But  there they were, sitting on the train together in silence. 

Elsa didn’t say anything, but her posture relaxed the most miniscule fraction when she reached the seat next to Anna. Maybe she just wasn’t a morning person. Regardless, Anna definitely was not against this update.

Though they occasionally saw each other after work and spoke, it was rare for Elsa to ride the train afterwards and a non-occurrence in the morning. Well, until this morning. Maybe there was some emergency?

Anna sat quietly, contemplating what might have happened. When Elsa did not make the first move, she decided to. Someone had to.

“So uh, morning train?”

“Yes, there’s less people and it’s easier than sitting through traffic.”

Anna glanced out the window at the smoothly flowing vehicles, and at the packed train compartment. The train was definitely easier than cars, and by far faster.

“I getcha. Not a big people person, are you?”

“No, not really. I prefer to be by myself normally.”

“Huh, really?”

Elsa’s fists tightened by her sides. “Yeah.”

Anna didn’t press further, but decided that if Elsa deemed her good enough to suffer for, that made everything worth it. The small crush she had nursed on Elsa when they first met had bloomed into something of far greater magnitude the longer they knew each other.

Was Elsa even gay? She certainly gave off Ice Queen vibes. Heck, she didn’t even like people! But Anna hadn’t seen her with anyone else or heard her mention a significant other, so maybe there was a chance? And, even if Anna had no chance, she still wanted to be friends with Elsa. From what little she did know, Elsa seemed like a good person and someone to be around.

Maybe the key was patience. After all, it wasn’t like her job was in danger or that Elsa was going to get killed by an axe murderer. And there were those things known as honeymoon feelings, right? When you first meet someone. Yes, she would need to be patient, and let a proper relationship develop.

These were the things she thought about as she walked into the archive that day. Belle smiled knowingly at the bounce in her step.

“Did something good happen to you?”

“I’d say! You ever wonder what The One would be like?”

“Oh! Have I ever! Those types of stories are my favorites. Why, do you think you’ve met them or something?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure, but I think, maybe? Yes? I hope?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh, yeah!”

Anna found that Belle was very much a kindred spirit in the type of books that they liked. That, especially when it came to fairy tales and the tropes contained within them. Who didn’t love a good story with true love and maybe some chopping of things? No, seriously, there was a lot of chopping. Would Elsa have to chop something off of her?!

‘Now you’re just being silly,’ she thought.

Though it didn’t quite translate into being a love expert, it certainly felt exciting to discuss the traits that Anna would want in someone and have to reciprocate. Healthy relationships and healthy pining was very important, according to the stories. Well maybe healthy wasn’t the word, but Anna liked to be healthy!

After that day, Anna found herself to be in an agreeable if unspoken contract with Elsa. In the mornings and afternoons, they would ride the train together from and until Elsa’s stop. Sometimes, they would chat and others, they would sit in silence. Eventually, Anna felt the comfort of them just sitting together twice daily. 

——————–

Anna lay on her bed, grinning like a fool after getting off a call with Elsa. There was a heady rush that she felt every time that they communicated, and this was no different. That was a lie, this time was different. This time, she and Elsa had agreed to go get something to eat in the city. The city! She was beginning to get used to such a place.

They were getting food together, since Elsa had been appalled to find out that Anna had never eaten a chocolate milkshake before. Anna, for her own part, felt deeply excited for two reasons. The first being chocolate. The second being that she was going on a pseudo-date with Elsa, unless it was just getting food between friends? Regardless, they were going to do something together that took time out of both of their days!

Maren said Elsa was totally head-over-heels for her, but she could never be sure. Some people were just like that with close friends, and what if she made it weird by accident? No, she would be patient and watch for signs of interest from Elsa. Big ones that were hard to miss, like asking huskily to kiss you.

That’s what people did, right? It was a point of ongoing contention, but she could burn that bridge when she got to it. Until then, she just had to get ready for their milkshake date. There was no way it could go wrong, considering it had two of her favorite things in the world: chocolate and Elsa.

Until then, she just had to bask in the giddy excitement, which would probably give way to anxiety soon!

——————–

No way she should have agreed to getting milkshakes in an Old-World style city. What was wrong with her? 

‘Oh, just the world’s biggest crush. It’s fine.’

Anna breathed heavily, and then took another breath for good measure. Instead of going back home on the train, Elsa wanted them to go in a car because that was the best way to reach the place. A car! What sort of archaic, unwalkable city required those to go any deeper than several blocks away from stations? They even drove themselves! It would be terrifying, it would be odd, and it would be one of the most exciting things she had ever experienced.

If she had ever been in a car, it would have been a long time before, when she still lived in such a city as a child. If not, then this would be her first time. Would there be exhilaration that required her to cling to Elsa? Would there be danger as the AI malfunctioned (or perhaps, functioned too well) and spun them into danger? Oh, the possibilities!

When she arrived at their designated meeting spot, Anna spotted Elsa stood next to a lime green car. 

‘I wonder how common cars that shade of green are.’

“Hey, what’s up? Sorry I’m a bit late, got held up by this dude.”

Elsa raised a brow, “Oh?”

“Yeah, I know, right? He was all ‘I want to see this artifact’ and I was like ‘No, that one is sensitive’. And then he got super mad because it was apparently more valuable to him than anyone in the world (which is totally false), and stormed off.”

“Artifacts?”

“What? Oh yeah, I’m an archivist.”

By this point, their conversation had moved to the inside of the car. Anna marveled at how simple but close-down the car was, not to mention its slowness! What a delightful if strange electric machine. She didn’t think that she’d start using them over the train, but they didn’t seem to be as much of deathtraps as in the Old World.

“Wow, you must see all sorts of crazy things.”

“Oh nah, not really. It’s mostly papers and stuff. Rocks too, there sure are a lot of old rocks that people used.”

Elsa shook with a silent laugh. “Rocks are very useful, I don’t know why you’d disparage them.”

“I’m not! I’m just saying. Say, what do you do, Miss Stinker?”

“I’m a building inspector. I make sure that everything’s up to code, and that places aren’t just massive hazards waiting to kill people.”

“Wait, seriously? That has to be rough in a city like this.”

“It has its moments. You’d be surprised at how many people try to be exceptions and then get mad when they’re shot down repeatedly. I don’t even want to start about the people who’re hired specifically to bother us until we let things happen.”

“Wow, that’s incredible. And you do this every day?”

“I mean yes, but a lot of it is emails and meetings. It’s rather dry, I’d imagine, compared to what you do.”

“Girl, what I do is the definition of dry and dusty.”

“True.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence that lasted until they arrived at the restaurant. There, Anna noticed that she had accidentally placed her hand on top of Elsa’s on the ride. She carefully retracted it before Elsa could notice, red tingeing her cheeks once more. Elsa couldn’t be that observant, right? She was looking out the window the whole time!

Anna decided to not bring it up and get out of the car. The building they were in front of seemed interesting. It continued the tradition of having massive windows and a fairly drab interior, though she supposed that a checker-patterned floor could be worse. It also had a humongous parking lot, which made sense but also, why?

Inside, Elsa picked out an available booth and sat them down, where they would then be able to obtain the fabled chocolate milkshakes.

As they waited, Anna noticed Elsa seemed more fidgety than normal. Which was to say that she was fidgeting at all, given that she typically had the fidget habits of a statue. Maybe she was sick or something?

Finally, Elsa broke the tension just as the milkshakes arrived. Anna felt awed in being able to bear witness to the thick, chocolatey goodness that had been delivered to them in large cups. She took a large sip and realized that Elsa ambushed her. Verbally.

“Anna. I think that,” she took a deep breath and wiped her hands on her pants, “I think that I like you a lot. More than like, I think.”

Anna horked up her milkshake, froze, and attempted to process what Elsa had just said. Elsa was in love with her? The milkshake was delicious. And Elsa was in love.

She trembled and said, “Does that mean I can kiss you?”

“Yes.”

With the consent given, she threw herself at Elsa and kissed her hard. Well, first they bonked their noses painfully together. After recovering, they were able to have the long kiss that Anna had longed for.

——————–

Everything seemed wonderful, Anna felt that things were on the up and up. Nothing seemed like it could go wrong, and that’s what worried her. 

She was currently curled up on her bed, thinking about all the ways things could go wrong. The ways she could make things go wrong, intentionally or otherwise. The ways that she and Elsa could fail to communicate.

She thought of how lovely things could go, and how right it could all be. The ways everything could go near-perfectly, and being able to  keep good communication in order to prevent problems before they became wretched.

It was hard not to think about Elsa, especially now that they were dating. Dating! Gosh, if nothing else, she made it this far. Now she just had to keep it up.

First though, she and Maren were going to have a girls’ night out, as a celebration.

——————–

It occurred to Anna that Elsa must have never left the city if she had never taken the train. That would explain her general tenseness where there had been a considerably lessened amount before. This time though, they headed back together to where Anna lived.

Anna supposed that an arcology would come as a complete shock. The style of such megastructures would be like nothing Elsa had ever seen. Would she become even more frightened, or would she grow curious? It would remain to be seen. More importantly, she would see the state of Anna’s apartment. They would spend time together, wander, and even sleep together. After all, she only had the one bed and didn’t mind.

When they arrived, Anna nearly burst into giggles at how Elsa stood agape at the structure. Before them lay a giant, sprawling ziggurat-like building, with open-air projections that allowed the sun to shine into the streets below. Upon every terrace stood out the green of gardens and creeping vines that curled down the sides and framed the large windows. The surrounding field was filled with tall flowers and a lake fed by a waterfall that began at the end of the terrace rivers. Anna could even see a few animals peeking out of the brush, where they would normally not be disturbed or otherwise unafraid of humans.

Elsa let out an awed breath.

“Wow…”

Anna linked hands with her, intertwining their fingers.

“Beautiful, isn’t it? Now you know how weird it feels for me to go into the city.”

“It is. Thank you for showing me your home, Anna.” 

“What? No, sorry, I live in an apartment here. That’s how it works, y’know?”

“Oh! Yes, of course.”

“Want to explore or do you just want to go straight to my room?”

“I think,” Elsa swallowed and looked around, “I think I’ll explore the unknown.”

Anna nodded firmly and pulled her into the crowd.

——————–

Both Anna and Elsa lay on Anna’s bed, laughing hard. They were enjoying the other’s company after a long day of exploration. Anna cuddled up to Elsa, hugging her. Oh, that was bliss.

Eventually though, Elsa propped herself up on her elbow.

“Hey Anna?”

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?”

“No, not at all, why would you even ask? I mean not that you shouldn’t, just that I thought it was implied.”

“Er, no, I meant bath. The bath, in your bathroom.”

“The bath? Wait, why?”

“Because I feel dirty, given how much we sweated outside. Plus, my job requires me to be presentable and not smelling badly.”

“Oh, well in that case, go right on ahead. Be my guest!”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

“But! One caveat.”

“Yes? What is it?”

“You have to let me join you.”

Elsa took pause, and stared. Then she asked, “Could we even both fit?”

“What? Oh, totally. The baths here are huge,” replied Anna.

“Well in that case, I accept your caveat.”

“Awesome!” Anna exclaimed, and pumped her fist.

Anna felt utterly giddy. Being able to take a bath with Elsa? That would be amazing, and they could help each other wash off and do all sorts of loving things in there like hug, and cuddle, and rub shampoo into the other’s scalp.

She would also see Elsa naked, and though they had been dating for a while, it would still be odd. And yet, maybe not, for they had always maintained a strictly romantic relationship. Seeing Elsa like that would simply be a cherry on top of her lovely personality and amazing looks clothed.

Elsa’s mouth had once more slackened when she saw what exactly a bathroom looked like in the arcology. Fitting with the theme, it seemed more pretending to be a miniature lake than a bathtub, with a ‘waterfall’ showerhead.

Anna went ahead and prepared the water for them to enter by the time that Elsa regained her senses. In a similarly short time, she also stripped naked and jumped in.

That was what sparked Elsa enough to move, or so Anna suspected, considering the beet red that her face had turned. Nevertheless, she too stripped and they relaxed in the bath together.

Just as Anna had predicted, they performed all the important rituals of being in a bath with another person, and better yet, the bath stayed warm. There was always a risk that the ambient temperature cooled the bath to something awfully tepid.

What Anna had not predicted was how soft Elsa was. All of her was soft, from her skin to her hair. She felt amazing and Anna loved it. This moment of tenderness struck her so, in that she forgot all her troubles and simply enjoyed her time together.

Afterwards, they lay down in fuzzy bathrobes to a greatly restful sleep.

——————–

One day, they had thought to perform a bonding activity at Elsa’s home. What could go wrong when revealing your backstory to another person in a show of the deepest trust? At least, Anna thought, blackmail seemed rather low on the list of Elsa’s priorities.

Besides, it was only fair that intimate activities be performed intermittently at the home of either, for both were the homes of both. That said, Anna had a preference for her apartment, and she had the distinct feeling that Elsa did too.

Anna sat with her back against the wall and rubbed a soothing circle into Elsa’s back with her fingertip.

“So, do you want to go first?”

“Sure.”

Anna leaned forward and said, “Okay, go.”

“Well, when I was a child, I had a younger sister. Can you believe that? She was just like you. It’s uncanny, really. But my parents split up in a  nasty divorce while we were both still terribly young. I lived with my dad from then on.”

“For real?”

“Yep,” Elsa said, and then smiled. “Your turn.”

Anna winked, “Well, my parents did the same thing. I actually used to live in the city as a really little kid. Anyways, I don’t really remember my dad since I lived with mom.”

They both stopped for a moment, as that processed.

“Anna?”

“Yes, Elsa?”

“What was your mother’s name?”

“Iduna, why?”

Elsa blanched, and gaped. “My mother. Her name. It was also Iduna.”

Anna stared, and said, “Wait. Isn’t the age gap between us…?”

Elsa nodded, and then stood up.

“I think you should go.”

“Wait, Elsa!”

“No I just,” Elsa’s eyes flickered, “I need time to process this.”

“Okay. But we’ll meet up soon, right?”

Silence.

“Right?”

“I think I need more time than you think.”

Anna’s heart sank as she tried to process what just happened. 

“I understand.”

“Thank you, Anna.”

Anna walked back to the train, her chest pounding, brain half-numb and half-empty in equal measure. This wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to know Elsa was her sister? They never had a chance to know, why did it have to be incest?

Sheknew how the people in the Old World felt about it, how taboo it was. Did the modern Old style cities carry the same values?  If they did, she may well have lost the game. Would Elsa ever look at her the same, with anything other than embarrassment or shame?

She felt uncertain, and that scared her more than anything. 

The ride back home felt the emptiest she had ever taken in her life.

——————–

Anna cursed herself, and cursed her mother. She squeezed the pillow as she sobbed at the unfairness of it all. Everything had been going well; curse the thought of revealing secrets that could ruin all!

——————–

The train ride to her job felt different now. Elsa no longer rode the bus with her every morning. The sky itself seemed greyed, and the steel towers seemed more like the jagged teeth of a monster that would eat her soul. The vehicles seemed like biting insects, squirming their way to every sensitive spot in the city. Soulless worker bees bustled their ways in identical offices and there was a complete dearth of little things, for they were little after all.

She barely noticed the train stopping, and found no joy in the green light of the archive. Even Belle seemed to notice her despondency, and came over with a sympathetic hand.

“Is something wrong?”

“Belle? I think fate actually hates me.”

“That bad?”

“Mhmm.”

“I don’t think it does. Maybe that wasn’t The One, and if it was, well the concept is silly to try and obtain in real life.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right, but it hurts.”

“Yeah, love is hard like that. But you’re a fighter, Anna. You’ll make the right choice.”

Anna let Belle pat her shoulder as she pored herself into her work. Maybe she could wait easier for Elsa’s response if she wasn’t focused on reality. The past stayed the past, but the future had a tendency to slip up close when one didn’t pay attention.

She could accept it if Elsa couldn’t handle the idea of accidentally committing incest. She could.

Then why did the thought hurt so bad?

——————–

Maren was the next person to give advice. And by advice, she came very close to punching Elsa’s teeth out for hurting Anna. Anna only barely was able to talk her down, though she was admittedly afraid herself to explain that the issue was actually that of an incestuous relationship.

But they were no longer taboo, not everywhere. Why then, was she so hesitant? Why did it consume her thoughts, the accident, before the revelation. Why should such a revelation consume her thoughts? It seemed odd, it seemed wrong.

If ignorance was bliss, then she begged for blissful ignorance to return to her.

——————–

[Elsa]: Meet me at the roof of the arcology at sunset.

[Anna]: Okay.

——————–

Anna stood nervously on the tip of the ‘pyramid’ by the viewing rail. There was, in fact, a platform for the express purpose of people being able to safely view the sunset from the top. Now she just had to wait for Elsa to show up.

Finally, she saw Elsa’s head emerge from the staircase, and the shoe that had lodged itself in her chest tingled with nervous butterflies. The relief that Elsa had even chosen to talk at all though, was like a bucket of warmth over her head.

Anna gave a wan smile and said, “Hey, I was waiting for you.”

Elsa smiled with her eyes and said, “Thank you.”

They then stood in silence for a while, gazing at the sunset, before Elsa said:

“I thought about it. Really, truly.”

“And?”

“And…” Elsa glanced at her, “I don’t think I could stop.”

“No?” Anna’s mind near melted from the shock and relief, and she fought to stay standing.

“No. Anna, I love you more than anything else. And I don’t think us being born to the same parents should occlude that, when we didn’t know each other before.”

“I love you too. Oh gosh, I thought you would- I didn’t- Elsa, ohh. Oh Elsa, I can’t express how much-” Anna gibbered, on the verge of tears.

“I’m sorry that I gave off a bad impression. It’s just that, well, incest is weird in the city. And I was wholly unprepared for the idea that I somehow engaged in it.”

Anna nodded. “I’m sorry if I was at all pushy about it, I just felt scared. To me, the concept of true love meant that even as siblings or not, we still fell in love and doesn’t that mean anything?”

“It does. It truly does. I’m glad to be back here with you.”

Anna smiled and pulled Elsa in close, facing the sunset. As they stood, she moved in and murmured into Elsa’s ear:

“Welcome home.”

Words: ca. 8,000
Setting: mAU high school
Lemon: no
Content: violence, blood, past trauma
Song: Terrible Things by The Hard Aches

===

She arrived like any other foster kid. Timid and uncertain. Stepping out into the unknown with everything she owned in a garbage bag slung over her shoulder. Rain poured like tears from the heavens, muting the sounds of traffic, creating the illusion that the world was momentarily empty. Under the dark, thundering sky, she didn’t flinch as her white-blonde hair soaked up the rain, turning shiny and slick against her face. She reminded Anna of a cartoon villain with her thousand-yard-stare, dressed in black from head to toe. Black hoodie with some faded death-metal logo. Black jeans, a single rip on the left knee, and boots that looked like they were made to stomp across a post apocalyptic wasteland.

In a tye-dye singlet and shorts, Anna ran bare-foot across the soggy lawn without hesitating, and reached for the girl’s garbage bag, “Here, let me take that for you-”

“-Don’t touch me.”

“O… kay.” Ouch. But Anna understood. That bag probably contained everything she owned in the whole wide world. She didn’t want some stranger touching it. Anna had a habit of coming on too strong, sometimes. It was something she was working on in therapy.

“Elsa.” The social worker spoke sternly, placing a hand on Elsa’s shoulder which was promptly shrugged off with a scowl. Anna couldn’t hear, over the pouring rain, what serious words the worker was saying, but she saw that they were met with an eye-roll and a heavy sigh.

Inside, Anna cosied up to her mother’s side with a placid smile as the worker presented her parents with a fat manila folder, no doubt containing Elsa’s whole entire life history.

“Oh, Gerda, I can’t thank you and Kai enough for accepting the placement. We were really starting to get desperate.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Gerda said. “We’re happy to share our home. Aren’t we?”

Anna nodded in genuine agreement, hoping to catch Elsa’s attention but only catching the worker’s.

“And you too, Anna. Offering to share your room again. You’re a special girl.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Anna waved the statement off, meaning what she said, but also a little concerned about poor Elsa being made to feel like a burden. “I like the company.”

“She sure does!” Kai ruffled her hair, “Still creeps into our bed sometimes when she gets too lonely!”

“Dad!” Anna’s cheeks burnt with embarrassment, but she tried to laugh it off. Wasn’t that what dads were for?

“Why don’t you go help Elsa settle in,” Gerda said with a comforting rub of the shoulder, “and we’ll be there in a minute.”

This was Anna’s cue to leave so her parents could discuss Elsa’s private information with the worker. Things Anna couldn’t know. Sensitive things. Medications, mental health, and of course, whatever terrible things had happened to her. How she had come to be in this unfortunate situation. Without a family to care for her, without a home.

Elsa stood in the center of the bedroom with a look of mild disgust. Again, ouch. Anna had put a lot of effort into making her bedroom cozy and welcoming, but keeping the decor open-ended enough that her rotating carousel of foster-sisters with their different sensibilities wouldn’t feel too much like guests in someone else’s room. She had pot plants in the corners and warm fairy lights tacked up on the pale green walls. The only personal touches she insisted on keeping were the striped blue, pink and purple curtains - a cheeky homage to the bisexual flag - and the small Wicked poster above the desk where Elsa’s eyes were now fixed.

“Do you like musical theater?” Anna asked.

“No. I hate musical theater.” Came the swift reply.

Damn. But no matter. She would find a way to help Elsa settle in. To connect with her. For a brief moment, Anna wondered whether her parents would let her paint the walls black. Perhaps install a few spider webs. “Okay, well… This is our room. Would you like the top bunk or the bottom bunk?”

“Isn’t one of them already yours?”

“I don’t mind.” Anna shrugged. She preferred the bottom bunk, of course. Everyone prefers the bottom bunk. “I just want you to feel at home.”

“Okay…” Elsa threw her garbage bag onto the bed with a weary sigh and headed for the shower, “um, thanks, I guess.”

===

Knock knock knock-knock knock.

“Do you wanna build a sandcastle?”

She’s persistent, this girl. And sweet, too, if I’m honest. Too sweet for her own good. In a different world, in a different life, I’d go to the beach with her and her stinky brother, build a sandcastle, jump over waves and eat ice-cream or whatever they do.

But not in this life. Not while I’m feeling like this. It’s so hard to control when it comes over me. It’s scary. I would hate to do something I regret.

I’ve told her to go away like three times. She sounded hurt, and I felt awful, but I just can’t be around people right now. It’s not safe.

So that’s why I’m here, in the bathtub. It’s not the most comfortable place to write and this whole journaling thing feels stupid anyway (especially doing it in a bathtub) but, Doc, you really think it’s gonna help me somehow, and the bathroom is the only room with a lock in this damn house. It’s funny how they call it a “foster home”. It’s not really a home. It’s just a house. A building. A dumping ground, really, if you want to be brutally honest. There is no home, not for someone like me.

===

Kristoff huffed and puffed and rolled his skateboard back and forth under his impatient foot. Anyone would think they were late to meet the president. “Come on, Anna. Let’s just go already.”

Anna looked down at her phone again. It was 3:48 and all the other kids were long gone. The line of cars had disappeared and the chaos of pick-up time had cleared to an almost eerie silent stillness over the empty school grounds. “We’re all supposed to go home together.”

“Yeah, but clearly Elsa doesn’t want to come home with us.” Irritation built in his voice, sparking an anxious flame in Anna’s chest. “Why should we get in trouble over some shitty new kid who’ll probably be gone soon and never see us again?”

Why, indeed?

It was true, Elsa had shown very little interest in connecting with the two of them over the past few weeks, but Anna simply couldn’t help herself. She had a habit of going after emotionally unavailable people, even when she knew damn well from the start she was only going to get burnt.

It was another thing she was working on in therapy.

“You go ahead. I’m gonna go look for her.”

Anna felt a bit like a secret agent, creeping around the empty school, searching for unlocked rooms. Perhaps Elsa had joined some kind of after-school activity and neglected to tell anyone. Or perhaps she was shooting heroin into her eyeballs behind the sheds. You never could predict, with new kids. Anna’s parents had a habit of taking the ones with “complex needs”.

Anna’s footsteps echoed through the empty hall past blocks of lockers and various deep and edgy art pieces on the walls. A face split down the middle into a bright, smiling side and a dark, evil side with pointed teeth. A silhouette of a pregnant woman on her phone, with a tiny fetus inside on its own tiny phone. Stuff like that.

She’d just about given up, expecting to find the same blunt resistance from another locked door. But it swung open wide and she hesitantly stepped inside, awed by what she found.

In the center of the room, bathed in slanted sunlight, Elsa was perched on the edge of a desk in one of the white, paint-splattered school smocks. The pale tone suited her. So did the tranquil smile. There was a vulnerability to it. Deep in focus, in her sanctuary of private expression, unaware she was being watched. It felt sacred and forbidden, like watching a goddess granting wishes.

She was painting a horse. A white horse, drinking from a glittering blue lake. Flowers, trees, birds and little mushrooms all scattered around. Some kind of fairy-tale castle in the background. As well as the technical prowess - the sense of depth, light and shadow - the scene itself was enchanting. It pulled Anna forward, beckoning her, as if she could step inside and find herself in a more beautiful, more magical world than this one.

Elsa’s brushstrokes were slow and delicate, each one dragged almost sensually over the canvas between pauses of careful thought and a cocked head. For a brief moment, Anna couldn’t help but wonder what it might feel like to be touched by those elegant hands, so lovingly. So deliberately. Without thinking, she whispered, “Wow.”

Elsa spun around and dropped the brush. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you! Because we’re supposed to go home together.” Her words tumbled out at lightning-speed, thrown by Elsa’s hurtful tone. “And I just wanted to make sure you were okay and everything. But that looks amazing.It’s so beautiful.”

“It’s stupid.”

“What? No…” Anna combed back through her words, trying to figure out where she went wrong. What misstep caused Elsa’s eyes to begin filling up with tears. Was just her mere presence that awful? “I- I wasn’t being sarcastic or anything, I think you might genuinely be some kind of prodigy.”

“No, I’m not. I’m shit!”

The palette knife ripped through the canvas with a gut-wrenching sound, and Anna winced to see something so beautiful destroyed. All that hard work down the drain. She wanted to intervene, to do something, anything, to stop the awful scene playing out in front of her, but found herself frozen in place, watching helplessly as Elsa smashed the painting on the table over and over until the wooden frame splintered and snapped. Tears streamed down her face as she tore what was left of the canvas, paint and oil spilling over the floor and covering her hands in ugly splatters. Like a crime scene. Like blood.

Eventually she ran out of steam and fell to her knees, sobbing softly, leaving rainbow streaks of paint on her face as she wiped her bloodshot eyes and looked up at Anna, defeated. “Why don’t you go home?” She whispered with a tear-scratched voice, “I’ll clean this up.”

But Anna couldn’t just leave her like that. She moved over to the sink and soaked two sponges in water, passing one to Elsa then dropping to her knees beside her. They worked in silence for a while, wiping up spilled paint and oil, packing up knocked over paint-pots, gathering up the demolished canvas and placing it in the trash. Nothing was salvageable.

“Why are you doing this?” Elsa asked quietly, and for once there was no malice or sarcasm in her voice. Just a sad kind of weariness. “You don’t have to.”

“I know,” Anna shrugged and smiled, trying not to make a big deal of it, “but that’s what sisters do, isn’t it? Help each other pick up the pieces?”

“You’re not my sister.”

Anna swallowed down the sting, knowing that it was only the truth, an objective fact, not a rejection. It should hurt like it did. She was being over-sensitive.

Again, therapy. Working on it.

She forced a smile as she finished washing her hands. “I’d like to be.”

===

Today was a bad day. Anna found me in the art room and I freaked out and wrecked my painting. I know you’re going to ask, why, Elsa? Why did you freak out because she saw your painting?

And I know you won’t accept “because I’m a freak” as an answer (even if it’s true).

Maybe it’s because every time I go to a new school or a new foster “home”, everyone says, “Oh, wow, Elsa. Your painting is so good.” But every time I leave, somehow, it’s never good enough for anyone to help me go back and get my paintings or prints. Even if there’s time, there’s never space to keep them anywhere. I’ve been calling my old school and no one seems to know what happened to them. They just disappeared, I guess. Like trash. Like me. It hurts.

Here’s the crazy thing, though.

I didn’t hit her. I didn’t swear at her, or throw anything at her, or tell her I wished she would die.

It’s almost like I’m actually making a tiny bit of progress or something crazy like that. Huh. Like all that wacky therapy shit is sinking in, somehow.

Here’s the thing, Doc, and this is truly terrifying. I think I kind of like her. Like, like her, like her. There’s something about her that’s just so… special. I can’t explain it. It’s a crush. It’s stupid. But in the impossible scenario that I were ever actually able to get my shit together and be a normal enough kid to date another kid, I’d want to date someone like Anna.

No, who am I kidding, not “someone like Anna”. I’d want to date Anna.

===

Anna walked with a spring in her step and hands in her pockets, whistling a lilting tune. It was a great day. After nights of hard work and extra effort, she’d finally managed to get an A on her English assignment. She’d been invited to a party on the weekend, found five dollars on the ground, and to top it off, she got a part in the school musical. Just a small part, but she had a few lines on her own and would get to wear a fun costume. The director even said he was thinking about accents.

The first rehearsal had run late, so she’d texted Elsa and Kristoff to head on home without her, opting to walk a few blocks down to the bus stop rather than bother her parents for a lift.

“ ‘Allo gov’ner. Bloody good cuppa tea, innit?” Anna wondered what accents the director was going to ask of them. She had a few up her sleeve, a talent sadly going to waste in her daily life.

“Bonjour mademoiselle, haw-haw-haw, may I ‘ave zee croissant?”

The trick with French was to give every syllable the same amount of emphasis. Italian was a little more challenging.

“That’s a spicy meatball! A sp- A spicy meat-a-ball.”

She took a shortcut through the alley behind the milk-bar to see a fat gray rat staring up at her from the edge of a dumpster, “Crikey, moite, she’s a beaut- Ah!”

Someone was tugging at her backpack!

“Hey, what the hell?” She spun around and her heart sank. It was Hans and one of his stupid brothers in their stupid varsity jackets. She tried to grip onto the bag, but it had only been dangling on one shoulder to begin with. The element of surprise had rattled her, and she was no match in strength for the star football player. Before she knew it, he was holding it up high, leaving her jumping like an idiot, grasping at the dangling straps. “Give it back!”

“Or what?” He sneered. “What are you gonna do, sing and dance at us?”

“Hans, please.” Anna still jumped for her bag, but it was basically just a performance at this point.

It had been like this for years.

With graceful athleticism, he tossed it over her head in a perfect arc through the bright blue sky into the practiced hands of his brother. And, like a well rehearsed performance, she ran to Wilhelm or whatever his name was, and jumped like an idiot for her bag. “Come on guys, I’m gonna miss my bus!”

“Come on guuuuys,” Hans imitated in a high-pitched tone, “I’m gonna miss my buuusss.”

Back and forth, like a pendulum, they tossed her bag and laughed as she ran between them, feeling like a dumb animal. Anxiety flooded through her chest as she thought of the rapidly approaching bus, the prospect of waiting for another one in the cold, or calling for a lift - the soul-shattering possibility of slightly inconveniencing her parents.

It wasn’t like they’d ever gotten mad over something like that before, but deep in her heart, Anna feared it was only a matter of time. It was a core belief she was working on deconstructing. In therapy.

“Drop the bag, boys.”

The low husk of Elsa’s command resonated in the alley-way, and her face was shadowy as the day she arrived at Anna’s house, with that same thousand-yard-stare. She stood unnervingly still. A dark, foreboding figure with the sun dipping behind her. It was very theatrical, actually. Also… a little bit exciting.

“Are you gonna make us?” Hans caught the bag again with deft hands.

“Yeah, what are you gonna do, goth girl?” Wilhelm chuckled, “Cast a spell on us?”

The boys laughed and tossed her bag between them one more time, but a sick feeling bubbled in Anna’s stomach. A sense of impending doom. And her impending-doom-senses tended to be rather accurate.

“I’m warning you,” Elsa said calmly.

The sick feeling grew.

“Did ya hear that? She’s warning us, bro!”

“Aw no, I’m soscared.”

“You should be.” Elsa’s hand emerged from her pocket, and a silver blade protracted, lightning fast, with a click. A switchblade. She raised it ever so slightly and took a step forward.

Wilhelm evidently wasso scared, now. He dropped the bag and laughed nervously, raising his hands in surrender, “Okay, man, it was just a joke. Chill out.”

“Yeah,” Hans similarly tried to laugh it off, but his backward steps and wide eyes gave him away, “it was just a little joke. We’re leaving.”

The two of them shuffled down the alley, muttering under their breaths, barely audible, “Fucking psycho.”

Anna’s heart thundered in her chest for some reason, as though she was the one who had been vaguely threatened with a switchblade. She picked up her bag, slowly, not making any sudden movements. Elsa was still standing there, stock-still, with her weapon raised, but her eyes were far away. Hollow. Like she was watching some kind of gory battle scene playing out.

“Elsa?” Anna took a tentative step forward. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Elsa lowered her arm, blinking herself back into reality and not sounding totally convinced by her own words. “Of course. Are you?”

“Oh, yeah! Just a bit of piggy in the middle. Keeps me fit, I guess. Who needs after-school sports when you’ve got the jocks?” Anna managed a feeble, unconvincing laugh. “Shall we, um, head home?”

“Yeah.” Elsa made a brief attempt at a smile and swallowed thickly. Snow had begun to fall, soft and silent, settling on the shoulders of her black hoodie. She reached out weakly for Anna’s shoulder but dropped her hand before making contact, instead turning away and leading them from the alley just as the snow turned to fat, cold raindrops.

“Come on!” Without thinking, Anna grabbed Elsa’s hand and led her to the old wooden playground across the road, ducking her head as though it might shield her from the rain. “Get in here!”

The tiny space under the play-castle was squishy, having been designed for children. It was also freezing and covered in profane graffiti and various initials carved into love-hearts, but dry and shielded from the rain. The drama of running for cover seemed to have broken the tension, and the two of them shared a nervous laugh. “It’s pretty cool, under here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Kinda like we’re in the dungeon.” All traces of the humorless, knife-wielding Elsa had vanished, replaced by soft eyes and a shy smile. “Sorry if I scared you, back there.”

“Takes more than that to scare me.” Anna bumped her shoulder against Elsa’s, trying to lighten the mood but suspecting she had just made it worse, somehow. Implying she had deep dark fears. Traumas. Issues.

Elsa raised an eyebrow.

“I just mean, you know, it was kinda valiant how you came to defend me,” it was one of those moments when Anna knew she should stop talking but her mouth simply continued of its own accord, “like a knight in shining armor. Actually kinda romantic, depending on how you look at it.”

Elsa turned to look quizzically at Anna, both eyebrows now raised. Crouched under the play-castle, their faces were so very, very close together, and, if Anna wasn’t mistaken, moving closer. Close enough to feel Elsa’s warm breath. Almost close enough for…

“Well.” Elsa cleared her throat and shuffled away slightly. Damn. “I can’t stand bullies.”

“Right.” Anna fidgeted awkwardly, trying to make sense of the sinking disappointment in her chest. “Fuck them bullies. So do you always carry, um, a knife?”

“Oh, Olaf?” Elsa pulled the blade again from her pocket and flicked it open, running her finger slowly over the silver blade, looking down lovingly like a mother with her newborn. “Yeah, he comes everywhere with me. Like a friend.”

“He’s got a name?”

“I have my sentimental side.” Elsa shrugged with a tiny half-smile, winked, and shoved Olaf back into her pocket. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll have to cut your ear off.”

===

The rehearsal was grueling. Three hours of singing the same first verse, all together, over and over until every last voice was pitch-perfect. Every footstep precisely timed, movements synchronized like a well-oiled machine. Having already completed a long, tiring day of school, Anna’s feet felt like they were falling apart, and her mind wasn’t far behind. When the time came to sing her few lines, her knees wobbled and her chest fluttered, and her brain scrambled like eggs in a pan. She missed the note, again!

Crap.

She looked down at her feet, unable to bear the look of disappointment on the director’s face. Feeling so unworthy. So ashamed.

“That was good, Anna.” He had to say that because he was a teacher. It was crap, actually. “Let’s go one more time, and try to get that last note. It’s a funny one, because it’s a flat, so remember, we go down then we end back up here.” He sang the last words in the melody Anna had just previously messed up.

When Anna looked up, she had to do a double take. It was dark in the empty theater, but there she was, unmistakable, about five rows back. Nodding and smiling with calm approval on her face. Elsa. Funnily enough, it gave Anna the bolster of confidence she needed. She kept her eyes locked on Elsa’s and sang her line with a surprising warmth blooming in her chest.

It was hard to describe just why it meant so much. Anna was just a small piece of a larger picture, not a lead, not a star. The audience would be showing up to see Roger Swan and Daisy Duncan, to hear their angelic voices and watch their amazing chemistry. To see the fluid movements of the dancers and admire the intricate set. To show their school spirit.

But Elsa showed up just to see Anna. She could have waited outside. If it was cold, she could have sat up the back, slouched, on her phone, with headphones in - that was how she spent most of her time in class, on the bus, and at home. But she leaned forward on her seat, and her gaze never left Anna, not once.

It wasn’t exactly often that Anna felt special. Noticed. Like she mattered. It was just a small, unimportant moment in the scheme of things, but one she would hold in her heart for a rainy day when those feelings of being forgotten and cast aside threatened to drown her.

“I thought you hated musical theater.” Anna said later on as they dragged their feet over snowy sidewalks.

Elsa kept her hands in her pockets and looked down at the ground. She didn’t smile, but her voice had a softness in it. Increasingly so, these days. “I don’t hate you, though.”

Well, it wasn’t quite an ‘I like you’, but it was something.

For Elsa, possibly, something quite difficult.

It was enough.

===

I started sitting in on Anna’s rehearsals because I didn’t want to walk home with Kristoff. And that’s… still true.

He smells funny. And I’m about eighty percent sure he’s a furry.

But mostly it’s because I like watching Anna. I still hate musical theater, I swear. I just… I like her. I like everything she does. Her smile is like crack - not that I’ve tried crack, Doc, don’t worry. Just in the sense that I can’t get enough of it.

But anyway…

The other night, I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. A car backfired - it reminded me of my dad’s house, I guess. Of gunshots. She somehow woke up with her super-PTSD-spidey-senses and came down onto my bed and just… held me. I’d never felt anything like it - I don’t even have the words, Doc.

I can’t lose control again. I can’t mess up and lose this placement - I can’t lose her.

===

“How come you didn’t make me cupcakes on my birthday?” Kristoff sulked in the kitchen with his arms crossed.

“I knitted you that hat last year!” Anna knew he was joking, but part of her began to worry, regardless. A little voice told her he was upset with her. He would stop loving her. Would cast her aside, maybe even replace her with a new, better sister. “Do you know how long it took me to get those antlers right? And to get the wiring right so they would stand up properly?”

“I know.” Kristoff smiled sheepishly as his hands rose to his beanie-antlers, rubbing them absent-mindedly. “I was only joking, Anna. You take things too hard. It’s like you have no emotional skin.”

“Sorry.” She said, kicking herself. Not apologizing so much was another thing they were working on. “I mean, yeah, I know. My therapist says over-react to perceived threats of rejection.”

“Yeah?” Kristoff patted her shoulder, always missing the deeper meaning. “Mine says personal hygiene is a form of self-love. I think he’s a quack. It’s obviously a conspiracy to prop up the Big Shower industry.”

Anna chose not to comment, instead turning to back her bowls of icing. She had black, white, purple and red, and a Pinterest board full of ‘gothic cupcake ideas’ pulled up on her laptop. The tray had just gone in the oven, and she filled the waiting time browsing Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook and watching Broadway clips on YouTube.

One too many Broadway clips. By the time she smelled the smoke, it was too late.

“Shit!” She yanked the oven open and reached for the tray, cursing again when her fingertips screamed in pain. Stupid! She forgot the oven mit. Smoke billowed out from the open door and the fire alarm pierced her ears. It was chaos. Disaster. Catastrophe. She didn’t know what to do first, and her hand was beginning to throb, hotter and sharper by the second. Overwhelming her. Scrambling all coherent thoughts.

Anna had never been one to keep calm and carry on. When panic arose, it gripped every fiber of her being, ensnaring her like thorny vines, pulling her down into suffocating darkness. She curled up, helpless and alone in the corner of the kitchen, buried her head in her arms and let herself sink below the surface.

When the beeping stopped, Anna took a moment to register the sudden lack of piercing noise. She looked up from her arms to see Elsa resetting the smoke-alarm, calm as ever, opening the window and waving out the smoke. Finally, she stood with her arms crossed, inspecting the burnt, blackened cupcakes with a thoughtful, “Hm.”

“I’m sorry.” That’s all Anna could manage. She felt like a puddle of goo, down there on the floor. Useless and without substance.

“Why are you sorry?” Elsa asked, removing one of the blackened cupcakes from the tray with Olaf, and cutting it open to inspect the damage. “You haven’t hurt anyone.”

“I promised to make you spooky birthday cupcakes and I fucked it up. And now you won’t have any.”

Elsa crouched down, with that rare soft look in her eyes and a smile that Anna couldn’t quite read. If she was disappointed, she hid it well. “Anna. No one’s ever even thoughtof making me birthday cake before, let alone spooky cake. The fact that you even tried means so much to me.”

“Really?” A warmth spread through Anna’s chest. An odd relief. She was forever being told this mistake or that awkward moment wasn’t a big deal, no one was mad at her, and all that. But somehow, this time, she really believed it.

“Yeah, and besides,” a mischievous smile spread over Elsa’s face, “we still have all this icing.”

Anna gasped. “We can’t just eat the icing on its own!”

“Who’s gonna stop us?” Elsa dipped her finger into the bowl of black icing, then popped it into her mouth and pulled it out again in a slow, sensual movement that made Anna suddenly feel tingly in her belly. “The police?”

Whowas this badass person? Eating icing with reckless abandon, living so dangerously? And when did she become so alluring? Was she… sexy?

These were the questions Anna pondered as she found herself sitting cross legged on the kitchen floor, giggling like a child as this girl, who was once so cold, now booped her on the nose with icing and giggled with her as they finished all three bowls of the sugary paste.

===

Anna was often the last one to leave rehearsal, after staying behind to help pack up and everything. She entered the green room to collect her things, expecting to find Elsa waiting for her. Instead, she found Hans. Her stomach dropped and she backed toward the door. “What are you doing here? Come to cut holes in the butts of our costumes or something?”

“No!” He held his hands up in front of him, an oddly serious look on his face. “Actually, look, this might sound crazy, but I’m here to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Anna raised one eyebrow, skeptical. Hans had bullied her since they were small, and she suspected this to be some kind of practical joke. He would probably say he was in love with her next, then have his jock friends jump out and laugh at her or something. “For what, stealing my bag every other week? Spreading that rumor about me being a bedwetter last year, or squirting mustard in my hair the year before that, or, wait, the time you stole my shoes and set them on fire in the middle of winter and I had to walk home barefoot in the snow?”

He cracked a smile and his eyes drifted as though watching the memory, “Oh, yeah, that was fucking hilarious.”

A bubble of rage swelled in Anna’s throat, and she swallowed it down. Sometimes that’s all she could do. “Yeah, right. Thought so.”

She headed for the door but he blocked her with his bulking form, shaking his head, “No, wait, I’m sorry. It wasn’t funny for you.”

Anna sighed. “Hans, if this is some kind of elaborate prank, I’m not falling for it.”

“It’s not! For real, I know I’ve been an absolute ass to you since we were kids. And I know I can’t take that back. But here’s the thing, I’ve actually been in therapy.”

“You’ve been in therapy?”

“Yeah, I know. Crazy, right? Because I seem perfect on the outside.” He said matter-of-factly, still blocking the door frame with his arm. It took all Anna had to contain her laugh. “But I’ve been working on developing my empathy, and something called prosocial behavior, I’ve got this whole workbook-”

The door opened with a creak and Elsa stood blinking in surprise. Still as a statue. Her eyes moved back and forth between Hans and Anna, and her voice was shrill. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” Anna squeaked. Well, crap. Now it seemed like something was definitely going on.

Elsa’s eyebrows narrowed.

“Oh, hey, Elsa.” Hans said cheerfully, evidently not picking up on Elsa’s shallow breathing or her thousand-yard-stare or any of the million other signs she was currently giving that something was very wrong. Evidently not feeling the same sick bubbling in his stomach that Anna was feeling.

If he had felt that same impending doom, perhaps he would have removed his hulking self from between the two girls. Removed his arm, at least. Recognised how it looked from the outside - he couldn’t entirely help it, being so tall and so clueless, but intentionally or not, he was standing over Anna, essentially trapping her inside.

He turned to face Elsa, and barely got out half a sentence, “We were just having a chat-”

Everything after that, Anna could only remember in flashes, like still frames, out of order. The glint of Olaf, the sound of the blade protracting and the rage - or was it terror - in Elsa’s voice as she choked out, “Get away from her!”

Elsa might have stabbed him three times, or thirty-three times. Anna’s brain froze up as crimson soaked through his blue and white varsity jacket. Her eyes met his in a split second of horrible recognition, as she tried to comprehend what this meant. What she was witnessing. How things could have been so normal a second ago, and now her tormentor was slumped against the wall, sliding down, gripping his shoulder and lost for words.

Just as soon as she entered her blind rage, Elsa returned to clarity. Olaf clattered against the hardwood floor as she stepped back, trembling, gazing upon the bloody scene with her mouth agape and eyes wide with terror, then down to her trembling, bloody hands. “What have I done?”

Faster and faster her chest rose, she shook her head, and for a moment it looked like she might vomit, but she didn’t. She just bolted out the door, frantic footsteps fading into the night.

“Anna.” Hans’ voice snapped her back to reality. It was surprisingly calm and steady, given the amount of blood gushing out of him and how pale his face had become. “Call an ambulance.”

“Right. Ambulance.” Anna’s phone slipped like a bar of soap in her shaking hands, but she managed, eventually, to call emergency services and follow their instructions. She managed to help Hans lie down, to apply pressure to the wound with all her weight, but either her weight wasn’t enough or she couldn’t figure out exactly where the wounds were, because his pale face took on a sickly shade of gray, his eyelids fluttered and his words began to slur, and the river of crimson blood spilled ever further over the floor, reflecting the fluorescent lights above.

For a moment, Anna thought he might die, and nothing he’d ever done to her mattered any more because he was a human being, and he was going to die, at seventeen, right here on the green room floor of Golden Plains High School before his life had begun.

What was left of her composure broke as the paramedics arrived, lifted him onto the stretcher and began to cut his shirt off. It was only once they were halfway to the hospital and her unconscious bully had been placed on a ventilator that Anna thought to call her parents.

“Mommy?” She began to sob harder and harder, squeezing cold air through her panicked lungs. “Can you pick me up from the hospital? Something’s happened…”

===

“Anna, sweetheart.” Gerda pleaded, holding her daughter in a tight embrace and stroking her hair. “We’ve done everything we can tonight. You need to get some rest.”

It was almost midnight and Anna had barely stopped sobbing. Her parents had all but forced her to drink some water and eat a bit of toast. Now, they were trying to coax her into bed. “Fine,” she said, trudging to her room with the hot chocolate she’d barely touched, now cold in her hands, “but wake me up if there’s any news?”

“Of course we will, sweetie.” Kai was a great hugger, and a great listener, but a terrible liar.

Anna’s phone was on three percent battery, and she never expected Elsa would actually answer one of her ten million texts asking where she was. But, eventually, she did.

In the dungeon.

There was no question. Anna had to go after her. She tip-toed down the hall, past the worried murmur of her parents’ voices and toward the back door, to find it blocked by Kristoff. Arms crossed. No-nonsense look on his face. “Going somewhere?”

“Just for a walk.” Anna shrugged. “To clear my head.”

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”

Anna sighed and looked down at her feet. Evidently, it ran in the family.

“Anna, you’re not seriously going to follow her?”

“Sh!” Anna glanced down the hall, behind her, knowing her parents would absolutely stop her. “Of course I am. She’s out there all alone and frightened-”

“-That’s crazy! It could be dangerous.”

“She’s my sister, she would never hurt me!”

“Okay, first of all, no she’s not,” Kristoff said, but he was already pulling her coat from the rack and passing it to her, followed by her beanie which he took the liberty of pulling down over her head, knowing what she was like. Knowing he couldn’t stop her. “Second of all, she literally just stabbed someone.”

Anna swallowed thickly as the image of blood seeping through a varsity jacket and Hans’ pallid face flashed through her mind for the millionth time. She had no defense for Elsa, in that regard. She only knew that underneath the cold, hard, knife-wielding exterior, there was a sweet, sad girl who loved to paint and couldn’t stand bullies and ate icing straight from the bowl, and, even though she hated musical theater, sat through all of Anna’s rehearsals with a smile on her face and made her feel special.

“At least let me Uber you there. I’ll hang back so I don’t scare her, but I need to know you’re safe.” He looked up from his beeping phone. “Our driver Sven is four minutes away. Come on.”

The roads were almost empty, and no one spoke a word as the car rolled over slick, wet bitumen, into the quiet darkness of the winter night.

“Hey.” Anna ducked under the play-castle, now coated in shiny blue frost, and approached Elsa like she would a scared alley cat, on slow, gentle steps.

Elsa looked up with bloodshot eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Figured you could use a friend.”

“I don’t deserve a friend.” Elsa’s voice broke on every word. She looked so fragile and pale, curled up in a fetal position, as though she was the one who had lost a third of her blood. “I’ve just killed someone.”

Anna squished herself next to Elsa on the freezing pine bark, and took those trembling pale hands in her own gloved ones. “Hans isn’t dead.”

“Really?” Elsa’s whole body sagged with relief, and she crumpled into Anna’s arms, sobbing softly. “Oh, god, I can’t believe it.”

“Mhm.” Anna nodded, rubbing soothing circles into her back. “He lost a lot of blood and went into shock. And he’ll need a couple of surgeries. But he’s okay. For now.”

The playground outside rattled and groaned against the howling wind, and it truly did feel like they were in a dungeon, awaiting some terrible judgment.

“Elsa.” Anna removed her arms, only so she could hold Elsa’s shoulders steady and look into her bleary eyes. “It’s freezing out here. And dangerous. Come home.”

“I can’t.” Elsa shook her head, tears trailing down pale cheeks, eyes closed into sad semi-circles, “Don’t you understand? There is no home. Not for me.”

“Of course there is, Elsa.” Anna let her hands slide down Elsa’s arms to her elbows. “You’re part of our family now. And we’re still here to support you. All of us, me, Mom, Dad, Kristoff-”

“No, you’re not!” Elsa pulled away, shuffling back into the corner and speaking into the wooden bars of their play-prison. “And I’m not part of your family, that’s bullshit, and you know it. It’s not the same.”

“Elsa, please,” Anna reached out, but didn’t yet find the nerve to pull Elsa back, hugging herself instead and lowering her voice. “I know how hard it is to feel like you’re alone in the world, but-”

“-What do you know about being alone in the world, Anna?” The words stung like the icy wind whipping Anna’s cheeks. “You have this perfect family, these perfect parents who adoreyou-”

“-You know they adopted me, right? When I was ten.”

Elsa spun back around to face Anna with suddenly soft, wide eyes. Halted in her tracks. Listening. Anna generally avoided talking about herself too much, preferring to keep the focus on others, but in this moment, she had the sense that Elsa needed to know, somehow, in some sense, despite their many differences, that she wasn’t entirelyalone in her loneliness.

“My original parents left me at a 7-Eleven parking lot when I was five. Just… dumped me there one night. Never came back.”

“Anna…” Elsa shook her head lightly, mouth agape, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize, I just assumed…”

Anna shugged. Ten years later, and she still had never quite figured out what to say when people inevitably gave her their sympathies. Luckily, this time, she didn’t have to. Elsa continued.

“That’s horrible. You didn’t deserve that.”

All Anna could do was shrug again, because after all those years, she still kind of wondered if she did. It’s one of those things she would probably be working on in therapy until she died.

“Were you scared?” Elsa faced her now, cross legged and calm, but somber. Gripping Anna’s hands, rubbing her thumbs over her knuckles. Holding gentle, teary eye contact. It still hurt - it always would - but the pain was satisfying, like kneading at a tight muscle.

“Yes. I was.” Scared didn’t begin to describe it. But now wasn’t the time to open up that endless void of terror and hurt that dwelled within the depths of Anna’s heart. Now, she had a problem to solve. “Are you scared now?”

“Yes.” Elsa whispered. “What if I go to jail, Anna?”

Anna lifted a hand to Elsa’s face and stroked a tear away with her thumb, “Then I’ll visit you every week. And send you care packages.”

Elsa blinked in surprise, letting out an almost-laugh. “W-what?”

“You’ll keep your head down, go to the gym every day, get buff, and read all the classics,” both of Anna’s hands now rested on Elsa’s cheeks, “and I’ll wait for you.”

No more words were spoken. There was nothing more to say. Against the backdrop of the terrifying unknown future, only one thing was as clear as the pure white snow all around. Only one thing could fit in the gentle silence of mutual understanding - a kiss. It was everything Anna hoped her first kiss would be - warm, soft, sweet, a little bit dramatic. Elsa’s lips fit perfectly on her own, Elsa’s hands fit perfectly on her back, and Anna’s heart felt safe in Elsa’s blood-stained hands.

===

“In addition to the pain and suffering, medical costs, and the emotional trauma caused to the victim and his family, the damage to Mr Westergaard’s shoulder is extensive and will require further surgeries and ongoing physiotherapy…”

The judge read from her notes in a droll tone, barely looking down at the bench. Anna could practically feel Elsa’s thundering heart beside her. She reached over and held her hand, down low, between them, as subtly as she could.

“Mr Westergaard will no longer be eligible for any tertiary athletic scholarships, and his future academic prospects have been severely impacted by this.”

On the other side of the courtroom, Hans looked sheepishly down at his arm in a sling, nestled between his teary-eyed parents. A bit precious, if you asked Anna. It’s not like he died. His bullying days were over, that much was for sure.

“Of course, I’ve also taken into account the fact that your crime was not premeditated, you are deeply remorseful, and to your credit, you pleaded guilty, saving your victim the added stress of going to trial. As your lawyer has impressed upon us, the impact of witnessing the violent murder of your mother at the hands of your father at the age of eight cannot be overstated in understanding what was going through your head at that moment, as well as the fact that you’ve been through so many foster homes and not had a safe and stable place to process this unfathomable trauma. However, this level of reactive behavior, at such a young age, is concerning and does need to be addressed.”

Much like the rest of the courtroom, Anna held her breath - this was the moment of truth. The moment when she would find out if she was going to lose Elsa. What consequences would shape her life from here on out.

“Due to your vulnerability and the level of support required, it is my ruling that you will serve a twelve month suspended sentence, during which you engage in intensive therapeutic supports…”

The rest of the words all blurred into the background, much like Anna’s vision, teary as she was. She only knew that ‘suspended’ was good. It meant not in prison. Not separated. Together.

===

The first time Anna was asked to sign in at reception and leave her bag in a locker, then frisked for sharps or drugs and led through several electronically locked doors, she admittedly freaked out a little bit. She understood that Elsa had been charged as a minor and given a suspended sentence, which meant she wouldn’t have to go to prison. What she didn’t understand was how this “secure welfare facility” was any different from a prison.

The worker insisted it was a home. A highly structured, therapeutic environment for kids with nowhere else to go, struggling with significant emotional and behavioral challenges - like stabbing people, for example.

Anna was skeptical - it sounded like prison with extra steps.

But she was pleasantly surprised by the warmth of the place. The coziness, the bright colors, comfy couches and big windows letting in sunlight. The friendly faces and kind words of the staff. The gentleness. And now she was used to her regular Saturday routine - wouldn’t miss it for the world. She knew all the workers by name, and today it was Julie who led her down the hall past messy offices, the classroom, the music room, the kitchen, the garden, the “calm down room”, the dining hall where a few kids sat at a long table, eating cereal and laughing, and the rec room where the sound of a TV meshed with the rhythmic thwack of a ping-pong ball.

As soon as Julie unlocked the door to the art room, Elsa turned from her latest wall-length masterpiece and ran to Anna, wrapping her in a warm embrace. A rather passionate embrace, with lots of hair stroking and nuzzling, until another kid yelled, “Get a room!”

Every week though, there would come a moment when the workers would turn their backs and Anna would get her sneaky (and a little bit dramatic) kiss, and it was worth the six days of painstaking patience.

The spare bed in Anna’s room remained empty. It, too, would be worth the wait, however long it would take until Elsa was ready to come home.

Words:  ca. 2,000
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content:  none

Elsa likes to sink into her memories sometimes, but only if she has the time and fortitude to dwell. It’s so easy for nostalgia, she’s found, to twist and morph into something less pleasant; something that lingers and hovers, choking her until she can’t breathe or move or think.

The therapy has been helping, and it’s been long enough that maybe it’s time. Time to return home, to the place that isn’t just a word drenched and sullied through thoughtless action and self-absorbed impertinence.

It doesn’t look all that different from the outside; perhaps a few renovations and changes (they’ve painted the guttering and the fence; updated the mailbox; finished the garden) but still, ostensibly, the same home as she left. She wonders if the inside will be the same, too.

She doubts it. Even from where she’s standing across the road, fine wisps of a cigarette hanging from her fingers, she feels judged; despite being invited back, she already feels excluded.

But that can’t be right. This is home. It’s where she belongs. It’s where the bath is half the size of the room its in, and the third stair from the bottom squeaks but only after dinner, and the kitchen somehow always smells like cookies even if there isn’t any baking. It’s where she lost her first tooth and got her first period and had her first kiss.

Sighing wearily, she pushes that thought from her mind and stubs out the cigarette, hoping that the smell doesn’t linger on her as much as knowing that it won’t make her family hate her any more. They can’t possibly hate her any more than she hates herself, and it’s a thought that’s more comforting than it should be. Her therapist thinks she’s getting better at letting go, but Elsa just thinks she’s getting better at coping; “what’s the difference” is a question she’s positive has an answer—just not one she’s ever arrived at so far.

The door isn’t locked, which is fortunate because Elsa doesn’t have a key. She forgoes knocking, unwilling to announce her presence yet—not before she’s had a chance to see who is here, to catalogue the changes. To acclimatize.

The front landing still feels the same; shoes lined up against the size, more fashionable than those she’d walked past the last time she’d been here. The last time she left. There’s half a dozen coats hanging by the door; her father’s hat and mother’s umbrella rest there, too, as much relics of those happier times as the silent films that frequently play spontaneously in Elsa’s mind.

They’d been the ones to tell her to leave; what would they say now she’s returned?

The sound of laughter, emanating from the depths of the house, draws Elsa forward. It’s a little darker, further on: the lightbulb in the hallways is a lower wattage, and the walls have been repainted a deep burgundy. It’s classy, she tells herself, trying to ignore the way the walls seem to creep in closer and closer with each step. It used to be bright yellow—and what a silly change to focus on. Pictures on the wall show off aunts and cousins that she hasn’t seen in a long time, and some new faces completely unfamiliar. She wonders if her room is still the same, or if they’d sold off her stuff the day she left, never expecting she’d come back to collect it.

But she hasn’t come back for that. Her things, they matter far less to her than other, more abstract items; her sister’s smile on a summer’s day, brightened by the sun, or perhaps the laughter around the family table at dinner. Things she’s lost but hopes to recover.

And so she swallows her fear and trepidation because the laughter in the here and now, it comes again. It’s louder, now that she’s closer, and it’s coming from the kitchen—or perhaps the verandah just beyond, and each step takes her closer and closer to her family and her former life and the place she wants to be.

But it isn’t that easy; it can’t be, not after such time and transgressions, and Elsa finds her breath catching her movement halting just as she reaches the end of the hallway. Unseen and unseeing, she clenches her eyes shut and allows herself a moment to catch her breath. She’s wanted here. Or, perhaps it would be more truthful to say that she isn’t unwanted here, and if there is no difference between letting go and coping, there can’t be a difference between being wanted and not being unwanted.

Still, Elsa knows she can’t do this alone, and so she pulls out her phone and types quickly, before she loses the strength entirely and runs away. She’s so very good at running.

im in the hallway

There’s a cheery notification and the scrape of a chair—they’re in the kitchen—and within seconds, Elsa isn’t alone anymore.

Anna has changed, at least on the outside, far more than the house has. Her hair is longer, and darker; there are more freckles, swirling across sharper cheekbones and below harder eyes. She smiles, but it lacks something that it used to, the edges pulling down in a type of fatigue that isn’t temporary and isn’t external. Something bone-deep and weary and Elsa knows she’s caused it.

“H-Hey,” she says, voice cracking a little. Here’s her little sister, all grown up. She missed it. She missed it all.

The hug they share isn’t the same. Anna doesn’t feel the same in her arms, and Elsa knows she holds herself different now, too. It isn’t something either did on purpose, but time and distance have shifted what they had into something different and—she wonders if Anna thinks the way she does—into something better.

“Everyone’s waiting for you,” she says, and Elsa can hear the hidden meaning, communicated through the undertones and averted eyes of her sister. But, there’s an olive branch, of sorts, when she adds softly, “I was hoping you’d come.” Elsa follows her silently, and already there’s so much unspoken. Things that can’t be spoken.

The whole family is there; their parents, Aunt Helen and Uncle Peter. The triplets, and Corey, and Jane—"It’s Hugo now"—and many more that Elsa’s never met and knows nothing about. They seem to know about her, though, and her heart sinks. She finds a seat between Uncle Mick and her cousin Tahlia, though neither look at her. Tahlia’s holding a baby, and has another kid clinging to the bottom of her skirt. The last Elsa had seen her, she’d been browsing colleges and filling out applications. Now, apparently, she has her business degree and sells soap.

Aunt Helen asks if she has a boyfriend, to which Anna replies, “Elsa’s gay, Helen.” Their parents flinch, and then tell Elsa to get her elbows off the table. She declines a second drink and her father frowns when she brushes past Anna on the way to the bathroom. Anna’s eyes never stay on hers too long, but she wonders if that stuff, the unspokenness of their relationship, if perhaps it could be spoken. That they could release it to the air and the wild. The chips cannot fall again, only swept away into another pattern. When Anna stands and Elsa goes to follow her, Uncle Mick swoops in to ask her opinion on the current Administration and Elsa misses her chance.

The day wears on and a heavy presence settles on her chest. It bows her back and fills her stomach, and it’s dusk before she escapes to the back corner of the yard to have another smoke. There’s an old garden set—a small iron table with two chairs, the green paint chipped and metal beneath rusted. It was her place of solace way back when, too, and even her old ash tray—a stupid assignment Anna did in school—is there, littered with bug carcasses and plant debris.

And so she sits, and lights a smoke, and thinks. The conversation somehow feels louder from here, and perhaps it’s a bias encouraged by her now-external perspective, but the house looks more homey now, the inhabitants more lively. She still doesn’t know the name of Tahlia’s shop; no one had stopped her from joining the conversation, but neither had they been all that inviting either. Anna had tried, but it hadn’t been the same, and she was easily distracted by all the other discussions occurring; all the other people and all their other lives.

It takes about half an hour before she comes out and joins Elsa in the garden. The sun has fully set and it’s the last cigarette in the packet; Elsa’s going to leave soon and they both know it and it hurts. God it hurts, and Anna doesn’t try to pretend it doesn’t when her voice cracks with a question.

“You’re not going to come back, are you?”

They both know her answer, and yet Elsa doesn’t respond straight away. She takes a drag, the end alighting brilliantly before it dims with ash. When she passes it over, Anna accepts; there’s no coughing hack when she takes her own draw, and it’s another change that shouldn’t feel as big as it is.

“I thought it’d be different,” she says softly.

“Elsa, you reached out to me…”

There’s no judgment in Anna’s voice, even though there should be. Elsa’s sins and transgressions were her own, entirely, and she’d left nothing but pain and hurt in her wake. Anna passes the cigarette back, significantly smaller than it had been, and Elsa regrets that it’s her last one.

“I just thought it would be different.” Sucking on the roach, she lets the embers get close enough to her fingers that she can feel the heat. Only then is it snuffed out on the ashtray, and when their father calls Anna’s name from the backdoor, Elsa’s positive that there’s some kind of poetry there. A metaphor or allegory—she was never very good at English. Anna was always so much better with words.

She stands up then, looking to the side just so she doesn’t have to look at her sister. A cancerous lump expands in her throat, making it hard to breathe and speak, feeling so big she wonders—if the light had been better—if Anna would have been able to see it.

“I wanted so bad to be back, Anna,” she says finally. Her voice doesn’t crack, but that might be more a bi-product of its softness than through any other factor. “I wanted so bad to be home, with my family.”

Anna stands too, once she says that and she doesn’t say anymore. Their father’s voice is louder, more urgent, and peripherally Elsa realizes that, unbidden, she’s caused a scene once again. Standard operating procedure. Everyone has paused their festivities to peer through the window, or approach the back door. Perhaps Anna doesn’t notice yet; her focus seems to be entirely on her elder sister when she takes a step forward and says, gently, “But…?”

It’s with a laugh that sounds like she’s choking on it that Elsa responds. “But it isn’t my home anymore, Anna. And it doesn’t feel like this is my family.”

She says it without malice, or anger. Just sheer, overwhelming sadness that doesn’t abate, even though she’d hoped it would. And Anna doesn’t refute her, either. She doesn’t offer words of comfort because they wouldn’t be words of comfort, they’d be lies; even despite everything, they’d never lied to each other.

Elsa lets herself out the side gate when she leaves, and no one, not even Anna, tries to stop her. There’s no goodbye, no hug, no stock-standard “talk to you later” to offer.

She doesn’t want to linger anymore.

Words: ca. 6,500
Setting: mAU
Lemon: lemon
Content: MCD (off screen), coping with grief, cancer
Song: Winter Bird by AURORA

Winterbird

Now

A bell jingled overhead as Anna opened the door to Gerda’s Bird Boutique and stepped into the store, where a cacophony of bird calls accompanied her arrival. At the other end of the room, an older woman with grey hair and dark-rimmed glasses looked up from the magazine she was reading. “Excuse me, miss, can I help you?”

“Hi, um, yes—I called the other day about getting a bird?”

“Oh good, I was worried perhaps you weren’t coming.” The woman, Gerda presumably, stood up and made her way around the shop counter. “Anna, wasn’t it? Well, you’re in luck, we have some very nice birds available at the moment. Budgies, parakeets, even a blue-and-gold macaw, although I wouldn’t recommend that one if you haven’t cared for a bird before.”

Gerda led Anna over to the cages and began pointing out the various birds and describing what kind of care they required. “Now, you’ll need to make sure you have plenty of free time, especially in the beginning when you are forming a bond. Birds are highly social creatures and can actually become depressed and self-destructive if left alone too much.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Anna sighed. “But anyway, yes, I have plenty of free time since I work from home. Do you still have a cockatiel? You mentioned one when we spoke on the phone, but I don’t see one—eep!”

Anna startled as the sudden rustling sound of flapping wings preceded a pair of bird claws setting down atop her head.

-SQUAWK-

“Oh goodness, how did you get out of your cage again? I could have sworn I locked it earlier!” Gerda reached up and maneuvered the escaped bird off of Anna’s head and onto her fingers. “Yes, as you can see, we still have a cockatiel. I had to put her in the back as she was making an unholy racket whenever I tried to show her to customers. Curious, she seems to have taken a liking to you, though?”

The cockatiel was currently making a kiss-kiss sort of sound as Anna pet her lightly on her head, and Anna knew already that this was the bird she would be taking home with her that night. With a little encouragement from Gerda she presented her own hand to the bird, who proceeded to gladly hop onto her fingers and then right up her arm until she was perched on Anna’s shoulder, nuzzling her little head against Anna’s cheek.

“I think she likes me?”

“Why yes, it would certainly seem so! You know, birds can be very particular creatures. It appears this little one was simply waiting the right person to come along.”

“I know just the feeling.” Anna gave the bird a light nudge with her shoulder to coax it back onto her hand so she could get a better look. “Does she already have a name?”

Gerda placed her hands on her hips. “Well, I was calling her Miss Frost on account of her, well, frosty demeanor. But I think you should choose a new one, since that certainly doesn’t seem to be the case around you.”

“How about Snowflake?” The bird, now Snowflake, chirped happily in response. “Well, that settles it, I guess. Could you, um, show me all the supplies I need?”

After the three of them had gone around the store gathering up all the necessary items, including a cage Anna was only mostly sure would fit in her car, Gerda started ringing them up on the register at the shop counter.

“Do you know much about cockatiels?” Gerda asked as Anna waited to remove her credit card from the reader.

“I did a bit of research about how to care for one, but, um, no, not especially much?”

Gerda grabbed several different pamphlets from a nearby holder and slid them across the counter. “These will help, but there’s a couple things you should know even if you never read them. A cockatiel is actually a species of parrot, and will choose one other bird or person to be their partner. Since you don’t have any other birds, that means Snowflake here is likely to choose you.”

“Even though I’m a girl?” Anna glanced at Snowflake, who was now back on her shoulder, briefly wondering what she was getting herself into.

“Parrots have diverse sexualities, and cockatiels especially so,” Gerda continued. “Even in the wild, some have been observed to choose a same-sex partner over an opposite, when given the opportunity.”

“Whoa, I had no idea. That’s pretty cool, I guess?”

Gerda chuckled. “You may not think so if you find her attempting to mate with your arm!”

“Oh god, would that really happen?”

“If it does, just remember that it’s quite harmless. I doesn’t happen with every bird, but it’s very possible that at some point she will become sexually attracted to you, so it’s always good to warn people. I’ve never seen a bird take to a human as quickly as this one has with you, so you should be prepared.”

Snowflake was now making that kiss-kiss sound right next to Anna’s ear. “I have a feeling it may already be too late.”

Gerda came around the counter for a moment to take Snowflake and place her in her new cage for the trip home. “This one is only about a year old now. If you take care of her and treat her well, she’ll be a companion for life.”

“Yeah,” Anna agreed, fighting to keep a sudden sadness from creeping into her voice. “That’s the plan.”

-❄-

Then

Kissing Elsa was like eating chocolate: achingly sweet and Anna didn’t know how to stop.

Their third date had started with a fancy dress night at the opera, followed up with drinks at a nearby bar. A brief peck on Elsa’s lips as a thank you for a wonderful evening had escalated into a full-fledged make-out session quickly bordering on indecency, which had then resulted in the bartender ushering them into a taxi cab amidst numerous shouts of “Get a room, you two!” When they arrived at Elsa’s place, the taxi driver had to honk the horn twice just to get their attention long enough for Elsa to fish a twenty out of her purse while Anna trailed heated kisses up the side of Elsa’s neck. Elsa took her hand as they exited the cab and then led her through the various doorways, hallways, and no less than two elevators on the way to her apartment, shooting dazzling smiles over her shoulder as they went.

When they finally reached the door to the apartment, it took nearly a minute for Elsa to find her keys as Anna distracted her with more kisses along the back of her neck and behind her ear, a weak spot Anna noted for the future. As soon as they made it inside she pushed Elsa back up against the door frame, greedily claiming her lips once more, only for Elsa to turn the tables by pushing her against the nearby closet door, lithe arm muscles flexing as she pinned Anna’s arms above her head, cruelly keeping her lips out of reach when Anna tried to lean forward in search of her new favorite thing.

“Sorry, was I moving too fast?” Anna asked, after several moments of Elsa simply eyeing her without a word.

“That’s what I was about to ask you.” Elsa eased the pressure off Anna’s pinned arms, brought their joined hands down into the space between them. “I think you’re really special. I wouldn’t want our first time to be clouded by too much alcohol.”

“It wasn’t the one vodka cranberry that makes me feel this way, Elsa. It’s you.”

And to prove her point, Anna slipped a hand up to take Elsa by the chin and leaned in slowly, eyes locked on Elsa’s until the moment before she pressed their lips together. There was no heat to the kiss this time, no smoldering fire that only Elsa’s tongue could put out. But if anything, that only made the passion behind the kiss stand out even more. When she felt Elsa smile, she smiled back, wrapped her arms around Elsa’s neck and let herself swoon a little until Elsa had to steady them with a hand against the wall. But little by little the heat worked its way back in, hands wandering, fingers trailing over dips and curves, teeth nipping at skin until Anna couldn’t take it anymore and forced herself to pull away long enough to make a proposition. “Show me your bedroom?”

Elsa was equally breathless but still managed a sly wink as she said, “I’ll show you more than that.”

In the bedroom, Anna whispered sweet nothings into Elsa’s ear as she worked to unzip her dress. As the ethereal garment fell to the floor, she stepped back to get a better view, and Elsa obliged her by doing a graceful twirl before falling backwards onto the bed and dragging Anna down on top of her. With the wide expanse of alabaster skin before her, Anna forgot about her own still-clothed state and resumed kissing her way back and forth across Elsa’s body. Gentle hands tangled in her hair, guiding her to all the places that made Elsa moan and squirm. But when her lips graced the crest of Elsa’s hip and her fingers began to find purchase at the edges of lacy white fabric, Elsa pulled her back up until they were face to face.

“I feel like I can trust you,” Elsa began, eyes sparkling intently. “Can I trust you?”

“Yes,” Anna said, without hesitation, and then suddenly felt like she had agreed to something that she did not yet fully understand.

“Okay, then you can keep going.” Elsa pulled her back down for a quick kiss. “Just… don’t freak out when it happens.”

“Okay? I won’t, I promise.” Anna couldn’t imagine that anything about Elsa could freak her out, but she quickly kissed her on both cheeks as reassurance. Then she levered herself up so that her knees were on either side of Elsa’s waist and proceeded to pull her own dress up over her head before flinging it next to Elsa’s, soon accompanied by her bra.

Anna was not exactly experienced; she could count the number of people she’d had sex with on two hands, and the number of women on one. Ordinarily it was not something she was especially confident about, but now, for the first time in her life, she felt like she knew exactly what she was doing. Leaning forward, she trailed featherlight kisses down Elsa’s neck, through the valley of her breasts and down to her navel. Elsa raised her hips so that Anna could pull her underwear down over her legs, which Elsa kicked off into a corner. Then Anna backed up and started the kisses all over again, first up the inside of one leg all the way up to the crease of Elsa’s thigh before moving back down and kissing all the way up the other. The air in the room felt electric, saturated in Elsa’s breathy moans and the friction of skin against skin.

“Anna,” Elsa pleaded, when Anna let her kisses linger on her inner thighs without going further.

She didn’t need to ask twice; Anna gave her what she wanted.

What Anna didn’t expect was the eye contact. In her previous experiences, she had just kind of… went to work. But Elsa wanted to look at her. Her hands roamed Anna’s hair, caressing and guiding—pulling when Anna got too eager. Anna soon realized she could read the expressions in Elsa’s eyes: could tell when her hips were about to lift off the mattress, could tell when she was about to throw her head back in a cry of ecstasy, could tell when Elsa was close to the edge and pull back just in time. And then, finally, when the edge blurred and every touch, every kiss, every lick and thrust of Anna’s tongue crescendoed while Elsa did her best to hold that precious eye contact through it all. And even though Elsa was the one who was coming, Anna could swear that she was suddenly seeing stars.

When the moment faded, Anna scooted back up the bed and collapsed into Elsa’s side, worn out, at least for the moment, content to press her lips needily against Elsa’s collarbone.

“See?” she murmured into Elsa’s skin. “Nothing to freak out about.”

Elsa just smiled and pointed to the ceiling.

Anna hadn’t been seeing stars after all.

It was simply snowing in Elsa’s bedroom.

-❄-

Now

Anna’s first week at home with Snowflake had been a true delight. She’d known that cockatiels could learn to talk, if maybe a little harder to understand compared to other parrots, but she hadn’t expected the speed at which the lively bird would pick up words. Naturally, the first word Anna taught her was Anna, so that Snowflake could get her attention if she needed it, and that took all of an afternoon. By midweek Snowflake was saying banana when she was hungry, playtime when she was bored, and Anna learned that kiss-kiss already meant that she wanted cuddles, which was frequently.

The one thing that wasn’t going according to plan was the part about actually staying in her cage when Anna tried to put her there. It wasn’t that Snowflake actually made a fuss about going in, it was simply that no matter what Anna did to try to secure the little door, as soon as she turned around for too long or stepped into another room flap-flap there was Snowflake again, like a miniature Houdini with wings. Though her pamphlets had warned that free-flight around the house should be limited, there just seemed to be no way to make the bird stay put, and so Anna was forced to concede the battle. Besides, it wasn’t like there were any cats or dogs to worry about, and Anna simply knew that Snowflake wouldn’t try to escape the house itself.

Having Snowflake around felt remarkably like having another person in the house again, but without the accompanying anxiety and lingering unprocessed emotions. When Anna cooked dinner, she stole bits of food like a little bandit. When she watched trashy TV, Snowflake gamely kept up with Anna’s searing commentary. When Anna went to work on her laptop, Snowflake ‘helpfully’ distracted her with cheek nuzzles, or by picking at Anna’s hair. Anna had hoped caring for the bird would lift her spirits, but half the time it seemed as if Snowflake was caring for her, and she was truly grateful for that.

Eventually Saturday came around again, and so, as was her weekly ritual, after breakfast and Snowflake’s morning feeding, Anna went upstairs and ran herself a hot bath. The house had come with an old-style freestanding porcelain bathtub complete with the little claw feet and it was one of the few small pleasures in life which kept Anna going, a way to while away half the afternoon along with a glass of wine and a nice book. When the water was high enough and just the right temperature, Anna dropped a teal and purple bath bomb into the water. She set her clothes down on the nearby bench as she disrobed, and then, with a deep sigh of relief, Anna lowered herself into the water and closed her eyes, allowing the heat to soothe her ever-aching muscles.

In retrospect, when she opened her eyes again some ten or fifteen minutes later, intent on sipping wine and resuming her current book, she shouldn’t have been so surprised to see Snowflake perched on the edge of the bathtub, just watching her.

“Snowflake! How the heck did you get in here?” Part of her was certain that she’d closed the door to her bedroom before running the bath, but on the other hand the evidence to the contrary was right in front of her. Escaping her cage was one thing, but surely her new friend wasn’t capable of opening doors?

-Anna kiss-kiss!-

“Really? You want to cuddle now?” Anna replied incredulously.

Snowflake chirped brightly in response and hopped down right into the water, splashing Anna in the face. With a defeated sigh, Anna scooped the bird out of the water as she shifted to a sitting position in the tub before placing Snowflake in her favorite spot on her shoulder. “Might as well get the actual bathing out of the way if you’re not going to let me read, huh?”

It was a little tricky getting the washcloth lathered up properly with Snowflake balanced on her shoulder, but with a bit of effort she managed it, and as she busied herself with soaping up her legs, her thoughts inevitably drifted to the many memories that lingered in the room. Of all the many places she and Elsa had made love in this house, the bathtub had been Elsa’s favorite. Water was, quite literally, Elsa’s element, and she delighted in the many ways she could use that fact to her advantage. Elsa never ever flaunted her magic, but in the water, in the privacy of their house, she was free to do as she pleased, and it pleased her to please Anna, manipulating the bathwater into more icy tendrils than Anna could ever count, playing Anna’s body like an expert musician with her most practiced instrument. And when she’d had her fill, Anna would relax back into Elsa’s embrace, where she would whisper loving words into Anna’s ear.

-I love you Anna-

Somehow when she wasn’t paying attention, Snowflake had nuzzled her little face behind Anna’s ear, right in that especially sensitive spot that Elsa had often favored. When she spoke, her soft feathers ghosted against the sensitive skin at the back of her neck, sending a sharp thrill down Anna’s spine. Shame pooled instantly in her stomach and she bit her lip in an effort to stifle her own involuntary reaction. Snowflake, perhaps picking up on the shift in Anna’s demeanor, fluttered across to the other end of the bathtub and eyed her curiously.

After Gerda had given her that warning at the store, Anna had gone and researched human/bird bonding on the internet and thought she’d been prepared if something happened, but she hadn’t expected her fucking body to react like that. It was as if Snowflake knew exactly what her weaknesses were and had gone straight for them at the first opportunity. Which was completely absurd, of course. Only Elsa had known what those were. And where had she learned to say I love you? Anna hadn’t taught her that, though she supposed maybe Gerda had taught it to her at the store.

-Anna- -Anna banana!-

Anna laughed, though the sound of it betrayed a crying session coming in the near future, spurred by the indulgence in old memories. “Oh, are you hungry?! Is that what you want? Well, you’ll at least have to wait until I can dry off and get dressed. Can you handle that?”

Snowflake chirped once and hopped down out of sight, and Anna could hear her flip-flapping across the floor and out of earshot. Anna simply shook her head as she searched around for her bath towel.

Life with Snowflake around the house was quickly becoming more complicated than she had anticipated.

-❄-

Then

“Okay, Anna, this is it, 1843 Arendelle Lane. We’re here!”

“Where is here, exactly?” Anna wondered as she took in their surroundings through the front and side windows from the passenger seat in Elsa’s car. After driving nearly forty-five minutes out of the city, Elsa had finally parked the car on the side of a nondescript street in what appeared to be a rather nondescript suburb.

Elsa rolled her eyes. “Trust me, you’re going to love it. Come on!”

When the two women had exited the car, Elsa grabbed Anna’s hand and practically dragged her down the sidewalk and then up a walkway to the front door of a relatively large, old brick house that looked like it was quite overdue for a good exterior power-washing. Instead of ringing the doorbell as Anna would have expected, Elsa produced a pair of keys on a ring from her pocket and unlocked the door.

Once inside, Anna felt suddenly felt like she had stepped into another world. If the outside had seemed just a bit rundown for the neighborhood, the interior exuded an old-world elegance fit for a royal palace. However, as Elsa led her from the foyer to the kitchen, and then onto the dining room and living room, one rather odd thing started to stand out: everything was spotlessly clean and there were no personal items anywhere in sight.

“Elsa, why does it feel like we just snuck into a fancy house that no one actually lives in?”

Elsa tugged on her hand until they were face to face again, and then fiddled with the key ring until one of them popped off. And then, with a smile on her face as big as any Anna had ever seen, she held up the key in front of her as an offering.

“What do you think, sweetheart? Would you like to move in together?”

Anna’s jaw dropped. “What? Like, move in here?”

“Well, yes, obviously.” Elsa was beaming. “That’s why I brought you here!”

Anna trailed her eyes around the room again, trying to get her mind around the idea of living here, when just minutes earlier her best guess had been that they were visiting one of her girlfriend’s rich relatives or something. “Elsa, how could we ever afford a place like this?”

“That sounds kinda like a yes?” When Anna just stared at her, Elsa gave in and explained. “It’s my aunt’s place, actually. She finally decided it was time to move down to Florida, but this house has been in the family for generations, so she was never going to sell it.”

“So we’d be living here for free?”

“Well not free, but the rent would be dirt cheap. And the air conditioning is always free, of course.”

Anna laughed and looked back to the key that Elsa was still holding in front of her. She clasped her hand around it, but didn’t take it yet. “We’ve only been dating for two months, Elsa. What if this all ends up being a big mistake?”

Elsa pushed the key into her hands and then draped her arms around Anna’s neck and pulled her close. “Every day I wake up and count the minutes until I get to see you. So what if it only took us two months to figure out how we feel about each other? I love you, Anna, there’s no mistake about that.”

“I love you too, Els,” Anna replied, quietly but confidently, because she knew in her heart that it was true.

“So you’ll move in with me?” Elsa made that sad kitten face that Anna could never resist. “I’d be terribly lonely if I had to live in this big house all by myself.”

“Well,” Anna said, “we certainly wouldn’t want that.”

-❄-

Now

Getting out of bed in the morning had never been easy for Anna. She had always been a night owl growing up: in love with the stars, entranced by the roar of a storm, seduced by the pull of a good book she couldn’t put down. Morning always came too soon, glaring sunlight battering against her eyelids when all she wanted was to sleep in just a little longer.

Living with Elsa had actually made mornings enjoyable for so many reasons. Living without Elsa had made them nearly unbearable.

And inevitably there was the one particular day that would always be the worst of all.

-wakey wakey Anna!-

“Go away, Snowflake,” Anna grumbled into the sheets as she buried her head under the pillows. “I’ll feed you later.”

In an ideal world, there would have been some way for her to get through the entire day without ever even having to open her eyes, because she knew that if she did Elsa’s ghost would be everywhere she looked: curled up in bed beside her with that dazzling smile, watching Anna from the bathroom door while she brushed her teeth, singing Taylor Swift songs in the shower at the top of her lungs, taking her sweet time getting dressed while Anna watched, that damn sly look on her face.

When Anna conceded that Elsa’s ghost was simply unavoidable, she opened her eyes anyway, only to find Snowflake gazing back at her from Elsa’s side of the bed.

-Anna kiss-kiss?- Snowflake chirped, in that tone Anna had learned to recognize as a question.

With a tired sigh she gestured for the bird to come cuddle, and Snowflake happily hopped over and curled up in the crook of her neck while making soothing little cooing sounds. It reminded her of the way Elsa would sometimes just cuddle up to her from behind in the mornings and hum random little songs into her ear. Those were the moments that were secretly Anna’s most cherished. Elsa was loving and passionate and funny and oh god she was so beautiful, but in the end all she wanted, all she needed was to be able to hear her heartbeat somewhere close.

When she realized tears were streaming down her face, she rolled onto her back and picked Snowflake up as she propped herself up against her pillows. “Sorry, girl, it’s just too much right now, okay?”

Snowflake tilted her head. -Anna loves Elsa-

Anna nodded, wiping clumsily at the tears on her face. She had of course told Snowflake all about Elsa; how they met, how they fell in love, how wise she was and how foolish she could be sometimes. And eventually she even broke a promise and told Snowflake about Elsa’s magic.

-Elsa loves Anna-, the bird chirped confidently. -I love you-

“I know you do, Snowflake.” Anna tried to force a smile. Snowflake was doing her best to comfort her; she couldn’t know that Anna didn’t particularly want to be comforted right now. “But I’m really sad right now. I kinda just want to be alone.”

-Elsa loves Anna- -Anna never alone-

“Well it sure feels like it today! She left me, damn it! I know it wasn’t her fault and I would never blame her, but every day I just end up missing her more than ever.”

-I miss you too-

Anna placed Snowflake down at the edge of the mattress and curled up on her side. “I know you’re trying to help, I just wish it was working.”

-Elsa loves Anna- -Snowflake do magic!-

“Can you bring Elsa back?” Anna asked, incredulously.

Instead of answering, Snowflake took off into the air. Anna had never seen the bird fly for more than a few seconds, so to suddenly see her zooming around the ceiling of her bedroom was a surprise of its own, but that was quickly overshadowed by what came next.

Living with Elsa, Anna had come to perceive the extraordinary as mundane. Magic was a convenient icy breeze on a hot summer day, magic was the promise of snow on a cozy winter night. Magic was not having to worry about the food in the fridge spoiling when the power went out. Magic was having afternoon snowball fights in the living room, and making snow angels on the bedroom floor late at night. Magic was Elsa and Elsa was magic and that was all Anna had ever needed to know. When Elsa was gone, she had figured that magic would be gone from her life with her, and wondered if in twenty or thirty years she’d find herself questioning whether she’d imagined the whole thing.

But when snow began to fall from the glowing blue trail of Snowflake’s wings as she whirled around the bedroom ceiling, Anna realized that she had barely known anything about magic at all.

When Snowflake finally fluttered down from the ceiling and landed on her lap, Anna mustered all her willpower and forced herself to ask the one question that now drowned out all of her other thoughts.

“Elsa, is that you?”

-Hi sweetheart-

-❄-

Then

If the two months between meeting Elsa and moving in together had seemed like a whirlwind romance, the next two years could only be described as a hurricane-force love affair. Elsa racked up promotions like prizes at a county fair, dragged Anna off on spur of the moment vacations to places like Greece and Australia. Together they hosted fabulous dinner parties for their friends before scurrying off to a secluded cabin somewhere for precious and intimate alone-together time. Every moment Anna spent with Elsa was just another dip or climb or loop in a roller-coaster of emotion and infatuation that seemed like it would never end.

So it was all too easy to overlook the signs. The headaches blamed on alcohol or jet lag. The growing regimen of supplements added to Elsa’s morning routine. The increasingly frequent nosebleeds, always explained away by something like altitude or allergies or anxiety or all of the above.

Elsa was a storm; the concept of human mortality never warranted serious consideration.

Until Anna got the call from the hospital and soon after found herself standing by her girlfriend’s bedside, failing to comprehend why Elsa had so many tubes attached to her, why her skin was nearly as white as the sheets, why the way Elsa was looking at her filled her with an ineffable dread.

“When can you come home?”

“The doctors want to run a few more tests in the morning, but they said I can go home after that.”

Elsa held Anna’s hands in her lap; her fingers were ice cold, Anna’s were damp with sweat.

“For how long?” Anna had spoken briefly with the doctor outside, she knew that sounded too good to be true.

Elsa didn’t answer right away. “Until it gets worse,” she conceded eventually.

“There’s nothing they can do before then? Some kind of experimental treatment we could try?”

“We’ll make the most of things, Anna, like we always have.”

“That’s not an answer!”

“It’s a high-grade astrocytoma. There’s no cure for that.”

Anna still wasn’t really processing what Elsa was saying. “How long do we have? Years? Months?”

Elsa shook her head. “Weeks.”

“Fuck, Elsa. How can you be so calm right now?” When Elsa’s only response was to look down at her hands, Anna understood. “You already knew.”

“It runs in the family. I knew there was a pretty high chance.”

“Oh god.” Anna was suddenly incredibly light-headed. She nearly collapsed before managing to grab a nearby chair and sit down. “Fucking hell, that explains so many things.”

If Anna had known what was coming, if she had known there was a very high chance that she would die so young and so quickly, she would have lived… exactly like Elsa had. Seizing every moment, stealing every kiss, cherishing every laugh every smile every moan every tear every snowflake and every single word and touch and breath. Elsa had packed a lifetime of love into two short years, because she’d known she’d have to.

“I’m so mad at you right now,” Anna grumbled through gritted teeth.

Elsa tried to lean closer, only to wince and sit back up. “I never rushed anything with you, Anna, I swear. But I never let myself waste any time doubting how I felt about you. About how much I love you.”

“You could have told me!”

“Would it have made the time we’ve had together any better? All the memories we’ve made would have been clouded by fear, wondering if the next adventure might be the last. I had to live with that, Anna. I was never going put that burden on you as well.”

Anna hated that Elsa was right. And she hated especially that there was really nothing left to say, no argument to make that would substantially change anything that was going to happen after. So, when she’d regained enough influence over her emotional state to stand up from the chair without collapsing, she climbed up onto the bed and maneuvered under and around the various tubes and cables and medical contraptions until she was nestled somewhat comfortably against Elsa’s side and buried her head under Elsa’s shoulder.

Time passed in a non-linear way. Anna’s only purpose was to cherish every breath Elsa took, the rise and fall of Elsa’s chest against Anna’s cheek. They had spent a thousand moments like this before, but those had all seemed timeless, infinite, stretching casually into forever. Now they were finite, every breath counting down one by one until one day none would be left.

And somewhere in that time-like space they had another conversation. Anna had been crying inconsolably; Elsa’s hospital gown was drenched in tears. And somehow Elsa figured out that the only way to stop it was to kiss her, to swallow all of Anna’s tears as they fell, to bite at Anna’s lip so that she could remember they were both still very much alive. Because Elsa had one more thing she had to tell her.

“Anna, I need you to listen for a moment okay? Even if you don’t understand entirely.”

Anna looked up at her, eyes still red and sore from all the crying. “Okay. I’ll do my best.”

“I know it feels like you’re losing me. Like I’m going away somewhere you can’t follow. But I’m not going anywhere. That’s a promise, Anna, okay? I’ll wait here for you, so you can come with me when it’s your time and not a moment sooner.”

“But you’re dying, Elsa.”

“I know. That part is unavoidable.”

“You were right, I don’t understand.”

“I wish I could explain, but it doesn’t quite work like that. You may need to find me, okay? You need to look for me, because I might not be able to look for you.”

“Okay.” Anna wasn’t in the state of mind to be able know what she was agreeing to, but she said yes anyway. It fed her burgeoning denial, drowned the tip of the iceberg of grief waiting inevitably in her future.

The next morning, when Anna remembered the conversation again in the clear light of day, she decided it was awfully cruel of Elsa to make an impossible promise that she would never be able to keep.

-❄-

Now

Anna had never understood why Elsa wanted to be cremated instead of buried. There was no grave for her, no grave marker, no headstone with ‘beloved daughter’ written on it, no flowers to leave behind after some sappy one-sided conversation. Elsa had left instructions for what to do with her ashes which, until just recently, Anna hadn’t even read. That was a problem for future-Anna, for an Anna who had found a way to cope with the pain of letting go, and she hadn’t been that person, not yet. As it turned out, future-Anna was perfectly okay with that.

There is no rushing grief, it will take from you what it has to, but you will still be there after it’s gone.

On a Tuesday afternoon, she got in her car, hit the ‘navigate’ button on the app on her phone, and drove out of the suburbs, out of the city limits, down along a snowy highway to a nearby state park. She sang along to the Taylor Swift songs she’d queued up on her music playlist, occasionally holding down the mute button so that Snowflake could chirp out a chorus line or two. After about an hour she pulled into a little parking area off the highway, slipped Snowflake into an inside jacket pocket, and made her way down a well-worn trail to a designated area by a bend in the river for which the park was named. At a spot near the river’s edge, she set the urn on the ground between her feet so that it wouldn’t fall over. She pulled a small piece of paper out of a pocket and unfolded it, checking one last time, just to be safe.

when you’re ready, throw my ashes into the air over a frozen river

Snowflake poked her head out of the collar of Anna’s jacket. -Hi Anna!-

“Hi yourself, Snowflake. Are you ready?”

-I was born ready!-

Anna chuckled. “Somehow I feel like that’s my line. Okay, here goes.”

With a little effort, she hefted the urn back up from the ground; it was heavier than it seemed like it ought to be from the size of it. The wind picked up just then, which Anna suspected was not by chance. Anna said a few words under her breath, the sound lost to the wind as it whipped out across the frozen river. Then she unscrewed the lid of the scattering urn and cast the ashes out over the ice.

As the ashes left the urn, arcing into the air, they began to glow blue; impossibly thin trails of light that started faintly before glowing bright and crackling like little silent fireworks, suspended in the air above the river. When the fireworks died out, a cloud of microfine ice crystals remained, hovering in the air, seemingly unaffected by gravity, floating on invisible currents. Currents that slowly coalesced into a vaguely humanoid form, and eventually into the shape and hues of a body that was unmistakably Elsa.

Anna hadn’t known that this would happen, but at the same time she had known that this would happen.

“Hi, Elsa,” she said, with a smile brighter than the sun.

“Hi, sweetheart.” Elsa’s voice had an otherworldly quality to it, like the way one might imagine a stained glass window would sound.

-Hi Elsa!-

Snowflake, of course, could not be left out of the conversation. That was perhaps the most surprising thing Anna had learned in the past few weeks. Snowflake was Elsa, but also Snowflake was just Snowflake. She was the voice of a woman who had simply refused to leave her love behind, and also she was a cheeky little bird with a mind all her own. Anna had given up trying to figure out how exactly to make sense of that, it simply was.

Elsa held out a shimmering hand, and Snowflake squirmed her way out of Anna’s coat and fluttered across the gap to land on her fingers.

“What!” Anna exclaimed. “How does that even work?”

Elsa grinned and held out her other arm. “I’m not intangible, silly! But you do have to come here.”

Tears streamed down Anna’s face as she practically launched herself into Elsa’s waiting arms. She was sobbing and smiling and laughing at the same time. “I missed you so much, Els, you have no idea.”

“I know, sweetheart, I really do.”

Anna pulled back from the embrace just enough to lean her forehead against Elsa’s, searching for answers in her eyes. “How does any of this work, Els? Is this the last time I’ll ever get to see you like this?”

Elsa tilted her head and pressed her lips to Anna’s. “I promised I’d wait for you, and I meant every word of that. This,” and Elsa paused to peck Anna’s lips again, “can’t be an all the time thing, unfortunately. Or even a most of the time thing. But we’ll figure something out, won’t we, Snowflake?”

Snowflake had hopped up Elsa’s arm and was nuzzling her little face against both their cheeks. -Snowflake do magic!-

Anna sighed and moved her head back to where it had been resting on Elsa’s shoulder. “For now, all I want is for you to hold me.”

Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna as tight as she could, and that was enough.