Okay this entire inquiry might be obvious but I need to know. Does anyone know how long Sara’s fight with cancer was?
Because I took a look at the timeline leading up to season one and I realized something.
So from what Winona said about Lonnie, he left when Will was 5 (1976-early 1977, as Will’s birthday is in March). We also know Sara Hopper died in 1978.
My question is: When was Sara diagnosed?
Because if she fought for as long as I think she did due to the nature of her disease, her diagnosis and Lonnie’s departure might have happened in or around the same calendar year.
Of course, this assumes there was nothing strange about what happened to Sara, and whether or not that’s true is of course up for debate.
I could be wrong, I hope I’m wrong, this might also be an obvious fact, but I needed to get it out there. I didn’t ever realize just how close to each other those events actually were.
my dad’s in hospital and it’s really not looking good (I mean, it was never looking good, it can’t look good when it’s stage 4 cancer) so I’m all over the place with my emotions and idk yeah just…my blog is also kinda all over the place atm sorry
Hello everybody with summer fast approaching here is your regular reminder that:
Everyone needs to wear sunscreen
SPF 50 is pretty much the best protection you can get, an SPF higher than that will have the same effect
Melanin does not protect you from skin cancer
Tanning is caused by exposure to ultraviolet radiation
Spending the majority of your life receiving regular large doses of UV radiation without any skin protection is a good way to get skin cancer
Don’t use tanning beds, and don’t go sun tanning
Wear your fucking sunscreen
Okay, people are clowning in the replies, so let’s try this again:
Sunburn is an uncomfortable short term problem caused by being out in the sun for too long without sunscreen. Some people are more susceptible to it than others. Melanin does protect you from sunburn, so people with dark skin are less likely to get burned, but also sometimes people just have a natural resistance to sunburn (or lack of resistance) - I’m white as hell, and literally the only time in my life I’ve gotten a sunburn was when I spent a whole day outside in a swimsuit without putting on sunscreen when I was a kid, and all I got was a minor burn across my shoulders. Never experienced that whole ‘peeling’ thing y’all are talking about, sounds super gross and uncomfortable tho. Rip to all the rest of you but i’m different.
Skin cancer is fucking cancer. It has nothing to do with sunburn, apart from both being caused by a lot of unprotected sun exposure. If you have skin, you are at risk of getting skin cancer. I have little to no risk of getting sunburn, but I still wear sunscreen, because I am protecting myself from fucking skin cancer.
If someone is basically immune to sunburn, then that’s awesome, but we still need to use just as much sunscreen as everyone else. Because we can still get skin cancer. Immunity to sunburn is not a sign that you can go easy on the sunscreen. And honestly, if you’ve got dark skin, you should probably be extra paranoid about applying sunscreen, because the majority of information on recognizing skin cancer is meant specifically for recognizing it on white skin. If you’re black/brown, it will probably take you longer to be diagnosed if you get skin cancer. And cancer is one of those things that you want diagnosed and treated very quickly, so you should be extra motivated to not get skin cancer in the first place.
Everyone needs to wear sunscreen. Wear your fucking sun screen.
I have come across an interesting bit of nutritional pseudoscience/woo/fearmongering, does anyone want a how-to for investigating these kinds of things?
You run into the best fucking sentences when you start going down the rabbit hole on shit like this. For example:
Somewhere out in the world right now there is a dude named David Avocado Wolfe who thinks gravity is a toxin and is lying to people about how food treats cancer and for six hundred dollars (five hundred on sale!) he will give you a fake ‘nutrition’ certificate so that you can lie to people about that too.
Here is one thing that I will say is pretty solid across the board:
ALT
And it is that people who have MAs are *never* hesitant to tell you where they got them.
This guy has a website with his name plastered all over it; he offers a 'nutrition’ course where he is a 'professor.’
This is his author bio, which was fucking buried on his website (which does not have an 'about’ page):
Extremely fucking funny in the formatting there, champ.
Here’s from his author page on Amazon:
Wolfe is the son of two medical doctors, and holds degrees in law, mechanical and environmental engineering, and political science, as well as a master’s in living-food nutrition.
If you search “master’s in living-food nutrition” the only seven results are this fucking guy.
Accordingto this article from 2005 he does have a BA in “mechanical and environmental engineering and political science” from UC Santa Barbara (hashtag doubt; that’s three majors there, bud) and a JD from UC San Diego.
I cannot find fuck all about his supposed Master’s in Living Nutrition.
I know he bought a copy of his college yearbook at UCSB in 1988:
So I can at least confirm that at some point in the 80s he did at least *attend* UCSB.
Hm. What if I search his website for “Santa Barbara”?
Bingo!
The school that granted him his degree in living food nutrition is listed in the educational background section of a $20 living food course offered in his site’s store, of course. That’s where that belongs!
Now, let’s go search the University of Integrated Sciences.
You know what happens when you do that? You get the University of Integrative Sciences, which is a for-profit (but legitimately degree-granting) medical school in Barbados. I happen to know someone who got a medical degree there and now practices medicine in the US. It’s a legit school!
It’s also totally not the school this guy went to, and does not offer a nutrition program!
But what’s that, between the wikipedia page and the AUIS website?
The University of Integrated Sciences, Ca? I wonder what degrees they grant.
Oh hey! Looks like we found it! I copied his typo with the hyphen for living-food nutrition so it accidentally excluded his real school. Let’s see what other degrees they offer.
Hahaha, I fucking thought so you fucking piece of shit Avocado.
Tell me your school is fake while desperately trying not to tell me your school is fake (and avoiding lawsuits).
Anyway fuck this dude, this doesn’t even have anything to do with the claim that I’m researching, he just happened to be the first person in this shitty documentary to claim to have a degree in nutrition, which is something that I happen to know a lot about so I figured I’d check this particular claim.
Oh yeah but my point here is that if someone claims to have a Master’s degree and they have a website and have written several books and you have to go to this amount of effort to find out where they got it, it’s probably not a real Master’s degree.
Sometimes this isn’t true, but usually only because if someone has a PhD they might tell you where they got THAT instead of their Master’s degree. People who are being honest with you about their credentials as a health professional do not hide their credentials as a health professional.
JFC I could have just waited three minutes because the next “MA Nutrition” in this doc is Mike fucking Adams from natural news.
Joseph Mercola has landed. This documentary is apparently the major modern source of a particular claim I’m trying to track down and it’s just a fucking hit parade of all the biggest pre-covid quacks who are now the biggest covid quacks.
Yeah okay both of the primary claims I’m investigating are put forth in this documentary by Joe Mercola.
Minecraft youtubers are wild. Minecraft youtubers be plugging their merch at the very start of a video revealing they were diagnosed with cancer BEFORE revealing the diagnosis.
“BUY MY PLUSHIES GUYS- oh and by the way since we’re all here!”
Like. Sir. Please.
Then he’ll make jokes the whole video which just isn’t fair cause you feel bad for laughing at the video of this man revealing he has a life threatening illness???
God, I hate him. /lh
For real though, Techno Support. I’m glad he’s getting the treatment he needs.
Everyone send your love, prayers, and best wishes to Keith, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for him. He’s uplifted so many of us, and I hope we can return the favour and show him so much support ❤❤❤
Hi babies. I’m not sure how to ease into this so I’m just going to make it as short as possible. I’ve been pretty sick since April, and early May got a cancer diagnosis. I was admitted into the hospital to begin treatment at the beginning of June and will be here for a couple more days.
I just wanted everyone to know I haven’t forgot about you guys or this blog. I know I have quite a few technical things to fix up when I finally get the chance and thank you for all of the messages you’ve sent in the meantime.
I love you all so much and I hope you’re all doing well. ♥️
bad personal news under the cut and why I’m not really here anymore:
My dad just spent 6 days in the hospital after a collapse that required EMS. The cancer drug that said we could get 8 months from … isn’t working, and with his cancer type, blood loss is the main COD basically. There’s no taking it out. Radiation only lasted for a month or so. The doctors are urging end-of-life care… of course, my dad isn’t ready to die, so he argued his oncologist into doing a different chemo regime. Her only suggestion was a drug that buys 5 months of time… for 20 percent of the people taking it.
Obviously, that’s 80 percent that see no clinical benefit from it.
Best case, we’re talking August, September. If we’re very lucky.
I know it’s dumb, but I thought, maybe RNM will be back by then. Maybe the next season of Nancy Drew will be ready and I can see Nancy/Ace again. I’m looking for the tiniest treats for me. I am already in search of coping mechanisms for fall and winter. Fuck thinking about Christmas.
ETA: 4/19/2022 - my horse came up lame. Vet says he needs to be retired. There goes one of the few things that comforts me. Obviously I still have him, he’s just a pasture pet now.
ETA: 5/12/2022 - so RNM was canceled. So I get to lose my dad and my show in the same year. Fuck.
ETA : 5/25/2022 - we stopped treatment. Doctor says he has a few weeks left. Hoping we get to his birthday. Really hoping we get a few months if we don’t have chemo sapping his strength…
Alright, this one is long overdue for an anonymous friend who really wanted me to review The Healer. So after a short pause, here is another edition of
The Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now™
Heavy sigh.
Alright. Let’s talk about this one.
First off, I have to do some pretty serious content warnings, cause I know some people have been receiving some bad news recently and this review goes someplace you might not expect so, I love you guys, but please be aware that this review deals with: cancer, terminal illness, kids with cancer.
Now back to the bullshit.
This is basically a movie about a fucking dumbass dude who has trouble making obvious decisions.
SPOILERS AHEAD (are you new here?)
The main character Alec Bailey, begins the film as a total fuckwit. He lives in England (somewhere about) and owns a failing electronic handyman business that he calls “The Healer” (in the most pathetic stretch of narrative bullshit, but okay) and is in deep gambling debts to the Russian mob.
As our story begins, Alec discovers that he has a long lost rich uncle who makes him an offer: the uncle will pay off Alec’s debts if he agrees to live in Nova Scotia for a year. The uncle will make all the arrangements: plane ticket, work visa, place to live, etc. All Alec has to do is stay in Nova Scotia for a year.
OH NO! WHATEVER SHALL I DO?!? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN REMOTE NOVA SCOTIA FOR A YEAR AFTER ALL MY FINANCIAL CONCERNS ARE TAKEN CARE OF?
HOWEVER WILL I SURVIVE IN SUCH A HORRIBLE PLACE?11?!?
I BETTER THINK IT OVER.
*eyeroll*
He finally makes his decision after getting chased by mobsters trying to collect on his debts. …like I said. He’s a fuckwit.
So he moves into this beautiful house in Nova Scotia. There’s no internet, which is a legit bummer, but his uncle has arranged a car for him to get to town. Seems like a pretty good gig. Even if it is going to be brutally cold come the winter months.
Well as soon as Alec arrives in town, everyone seems to know and be expecting him. He puts an ad out for his mechanical engineering services, again, under the name “The Healer.” Well……….. that goes awry in ways you would expect. Suddenly, people start showing up requesting his physical healing services.
The thing is, the people from town seem to expect him to actually be a healer. They keep referring to a secretand to him being “the chosen one.” There’s no explanation for this.
Then there’s like… this whole weird interlude where Alec seems to kill the town priest, played by Jorge Ramirez (can someone please find this dude a good acting gig? my dude has decent comedic timing, he’s better than this shit). And Alec gets arrested. Even though the priest got up and walked away. All of this seems like a weird spinning of wheels before the actual plot. Like why is this happening. Why?
Eventualllllllly……… his uncle shows back up and fesses up (in the most elaborate way possible). People in his family have a gift. Every other generation, someone is chosen. And they have the gift of healing. Based solely on being near to someone who is destined to be saved.
The gift can only be activated around their 30th birthday (if this sounds unnecessarily elaborate, that’s because it is – and I’m even cutting shit out like the secret basement and portraits on the wall, blahblahblah). The day after the birthday, the chosen one must decide. They can choose to accept or decline the gift of healing. Alec is given until midnight that night to make his decision. WILL HE BE THE CHOSEN ONE? WILL HE BE THE HEALER?!?!1?1
I mentioned that Alec is a fuckwit right?
*Hagrid voice* YOU’RE A FUCKWIT, ALEC!
*squints*
Annnnnnyhow. Alec goes to the town church where everyone is gathered at midnight (with thank you signs and a big round of applause) and he dashes their hopes. HE WILL NOT BE THE HEALER, NO! Even though it comes with no readily apparent downsides or costs. And he’d be able to relieve the suffering of others with no cost to himself. No, fuck it. He’s going to go home.
The town takes it pretty well, all things considered. The few people who had already been healed by being near him make speeches of gratitude. They all wish him a happy birthday and tell him he’s welcome to stay. Like these people are insanelyunderstanding about him declining the gift of healing. INSANE.
It’s worth noting that we’re about halfway through the movie at this point and we haven’t met one of the main characters of the movie.
IN COMES ABIGAIL. Cancer kid extraordinaire. She is 14 years old. Her parents have driven 7 hours to see Alec. Their daughter is dying of terminal cancer, and all they want is for Alec to spend some time with her and give it a shot. But she’s a pretty self-possessed kid. She convinces the reluctant Alec to just hangout with her for the weekend to buck up her parents and give her parents some hope. She doesn’t believe in the healing, so no harm, no foul.
And finally we’ve hit the meat of our story. Will Alec be able to save Abigail now that he’s declined the gift? Will he regret it? WHY DID HE DECLINE THE GIFT!?1?
SPOILERS (really can’t discuss this movie without them)
It turns out, Alec had a brother who died of cancer. And they were incredibly close. In Alec’s words, “he was my everything.” But now he deeply regrets giving up the gift. Now he’s worried he can’t save Abigail.
You know what, man? Same.
SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TURN DOWN THE GIFT!??!?
Listen. Listen, listen. I don’t know a single person who has been touched by cancer who wouldn’t jump at the chance to have a healing gift. I mean, what the fuck. Death sucks. Losing someone you love from any kind of illness sucks. Especially when it feels even remotely too soon. And cancer is a particular type of FUCKING BULLSHIT. It sucks.
So it’s really fucking hard to understand why this FUCKWIT turns down the gift to begin with. Death and suffering is not abstract for him when this movie starts! So why we should feel sorry for his resulting anxiety, now that he has met someone who is directly negatively affected by his fucking BAD DECISION.
Anyhow, the rest of the movie is basically an exercise in how charming Abigail is and how much fun we can have with her before she goes off to die. Which like……… OH-FUCKING-KAY!
It should go without saying that this movie has a happy ending. The music swells where it should. The romance is consummated. Abigail is healed. All is going to be well with the world.
As a movie, this one has some weird fucking choices. First, all of the music cues in this movie are just wrong. “Faith” by George Michael is not a song about believing in something — unless that something is having sex with someone who hurt you before. And the lighting in this film is so beautiful all the time, it looks like you’re in a fucking ciallis commercial, even when you’re in the freaking police station, wtf?
And last, the writing is just weird in places. Like why have the love interest lie about being a lesbian through 90% of the film? Why? It’s not a good joke! And It is COMPLETELY fucking baffling to me why the good news of this story is delivered off-screen instead of on-screen. If Abigail is going to be okay, why couldn’t she come back to Nova Scotia to tell him? Why couldn’t she deliver that news in person!? That’s just bad writing. What the fuck is that?
But whatever.
On the credit side, I think Oliver Jackson Cohen knows what he’s doing as an actor. He’s not Oscar-worthy yet, but I believed him. When he talks about his brother, I felt that. And that could not have been easy in such a fucking weird script.
But as much as I’d like to end this review right here, there’s more. Cause…
……….that’s not where the movie ends. Not entirely.
As the end music plays, the movie is dedicated to Paul Newman who established summer camps for seriously ill kids. And then we see images and videos of the kids all over the world enjoying activities at these camps.
And that’s where this critique stops. Sorta. Paul Newman was a legitimately good person. And his legacy of caring for sick kids carries on to this day, as was evident from all the footage.
But here’s the thing: healing as it’s depicted in this movie does not exist. But easing the suffering of others does. I wish this movie had been about that. I wish it had been less focused on miracles and weird family legacies and selfish fuckwits and more about the kind of healing that Paul practiced. But I guess that movie isn’t as fun, and it isn’t as hopeful and uplifting.
In the non-movie version of this story, Abigail Bryant died in 2014 at the age of 20. Her obituary still appears online. And it is still receiving comments and photos from cancer survivors and fighters, many of them who found her through the film. And they talk about how the movie touched them.
On that level, it doesn’t matter what I say here. It doesn’t matter that there are weird parts of this script or that healing like this is a fantasy. This movie does its job. It touches people. And if it inspires just a few more people to give money to help relieve suffering, then that’s all that matters.
Words: ca. 6,500 Setting: mAU Lemon: lemon Content: MCD (off screen), coping with grief, cancer Song: Winter Bird by AURORA
Winterbird
Now
A bell jingled overhead as Anna opened the door to Gerda’s Bird Boutique and stepped into the store, where a cacophony of bird calls accompanied her arrival. At the other end of the room, an older woman with grey hair and dark-rimmed glasses looked up from the magazine she was reading. “Excuse me, miss, can I help you?”
“Hi, um, yes—I called the other day about getting a bird?”
“Oh good, I was worried perhaps you weren’t coming.” The woman, Gerda presumably, stood up and made her way around the shop counter. “Anna, wasn’t it? Well, you’re in luck, we have some very nice birds available at the moment. Budgies, parakeets, even a blue-and-gold macaw, although I wouldn’t recommend that one if you haven’t cared for a bird before.”
Gerda led Anna over to the cages and began pointing out the various birds and describing what kind of care they required. “Now, you’ll need to make sure you have plenty of free time, especially in the beginning when you are forming a bond. Birds are highly social creatures and can actually become depressed and self-destructive if left alone too much.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” Anna sighed. “But anyway, yes, I have plenty of free time since I work from home. Do you still have a cockatiel? You mentioned one when we spoke on the phone, but I don’t see one—eep!”
Anna startled as the sudden rustling sound of flapping wings preceded a pair of bird claws setting down atop her head.
-SQUAWK-
“Oh goodness, how did you get out of your cage again? I could have sworn I locked it earlier!” Gerda reached up and maneuvered the escaped bird off of Anna’s head and onto her fingers. “Yes, as you can see, we still have a cockatiel. I had to put her in the back as she was making an unholy racket whenever I tried to show her to customers. Curious, she seems to have taken a liking to you, though?”
The cockatiel was currently making a kiss-kiss sort of sound as Anna pet her lightly on her head, and Anna knew already that this was the bird she would be taking home with her that night. With a little encouragement from Gerda she presented her own hand to the bird, who proceeded to gladly hop onto her fingers and then right up her arm until she was perched on Anna’s shoulder, nuzzling her little head against Anna’s cheek.
“I think she likes me?”
“Why yes, it would certainly seem so! You know, birds can be very particular creatures. It appears this little one was simply waiting the right person to come along.”
“I know just the feeling.” Anna gave the bird a light nudge with her shoulder to coax it back onto her hand so she could get a better look. “Does she already have a name?”
Gerda placed her hands on her hips. “Well, I was calling her Miss Frost on account of her, well, frosty demeanor. But I think you should choose a new one, since that certainly doesn’t seem to be the case around you.”
“How about Snowflake?” The bird, now Snowflake, chirped happily in response. “Well, that settles it, I guess. Could you, um, show me all the supplies I need?”
After the three of them had gone around the store gathering up all the necessary items, including a cage Anna was only mostly sure would fit in her car, Gerda started ringing them up on the register at the shop counter.
“Do you know much about cockatiels?” Gerda asked as Anna waited to remove her credit card from the reader.
“I did a bit of research about how to care for one, but, um, no, not especially much?”
Gerda grabbed several different pamphlets from a nearby holder and slid them across the counter. “These will help, but there’s a couple things you should know even if you never read them. A cockatiel is actually a species of parrot, and will choose one other bird or person to be their partner. Since you don’t have any other birds, that means Snowflake here is likely to choose you.”
“Even though I’m a girl?” Anna glanced at Snowflake, who was now back on her shoulder, briefly wondering what she was getting herself into.
“Parrots have diverse sexualities, and cockatiels especially so,” Gerda continued. “Even in the wild, some have been observed to choose a same-sex partner over an opposite, when given the opportunity.”
“Whoa, I had no idea. That’s pretty cool, I guess?”
Gerda chuckled. “You may not think so if you find her attempting to mate with your arm!”
“Oh god, would that really happen?”
“If it does, just remember that it’s quite harmless. I doesn’t happen with every bird, but it’s very possible that at some point she will become sexually attracted to you, so it’s always good to warn people. I’ve never seen a bird take to a human as quickly as this one has with you, so you should be prepared.”
Snowflake was now making that kiss-kiss sound right next to Anna’s ear. “I have a feeling it may already be too late.”
Gerda came around the counter for a moment to take Snowflake and place her in her new cage for the trip home. “This one is only about a year old now. If you take care of her and treat her well, she’ll be a companion for life.”
“Yeah,” Anna agreed, fighting to keep a sudden sadness from creeping into her voice. “That’s the plan.”
-❄-
Then
Kissing Elsa was like eating chocolate: achingly sweet and Anna didn’t know how to stop.
Their third date had started with a fancy dress night at the opera, followed up with drinks at a nearby bar. A brief peck on Elsa’s lips as a thank you for a wonderful evening had escalated into a full-fledged make-out session quickly bordering on indecency, which had then resulted in the bartender ushering them into a taxi cab amidst numerous shouts of “Get a room, you two!” When they arrived at Elsa’s place, the taxi driver had to honk the horn twice just to get their attention long enough for Elsa to fish a twenty out of her purse while Anna trailed heated kisses up the side of Elsa’s neck. Elsa took her hand as they exited the cab and then led her through the various doorways, hallways, and no less than two elevators on the way to her apartment, shooting dazzling smiles over her shoulder as they went.
When they finally reached the door to the apartment, it took nearly a minute for Elsa to find her keys as Anna distracted her with more kisses along the back of her neck and behind her ear, a weak spot Anna noted for the future. As soon as they made it inside she pushed Elsa back up against the door frame, greedily claiming her lips once more, only for Elsa to turn the tables by pushing her against the nearby closet door, lithe arm muscles flexing as she pinned Anna’s arms above her head, cruelly keeping her lips out of reach when Anna tried to lean forward in search of her new favorite thing.
“Sorry, was I moving too fast?” Anna asked, after several moments of Elsa simply eyeing her without a word.
“That’s what I was about to ask you.” Elsa eased the pressure off Anna’s pinned arms, brought their joined hands down into the space between them. “I think you’re really special. I wouldn’t want our first time to be clouded by too much alcohol.”
“It wasn’t the one vodka cranberry that makes me feel this way, Elsa. It’s you.”
And to prove her point, Anna slipped a hand up to take Elsa by the chin and leaned in slowly, eyes locked on Elsa’s until the moment before she pressed their lips together. There was no heat to the kiss this time, no smoldering fire that only Elsa’s tongue could put out. But if anything, that only made the passion behind the kiss stand out even more. When she felt Elsa smile, she smiled back, wrapped her arms around Elsa’s neck and let herself swoon a little until Elsa had to steady them with a hand against the wall. But little by little the heat worked its way back in, hands wandering, fingers trailing over dips and curves, teeth nipping at skin until Anna couldn’t take it anymore and forced herself to pull away long enough to make a proposition. “Show me your bedroom?”
Elsa was equally breathless but still managed a sly wink as she said, “I’ll show you more than that.”
In the bedroom, Anna whispered sweet nothings into Elsa’s ear as she worked to unzip her dress. As the ethereal garment fell to the floor, she stepped back to get a better view, and Elsa obliged her by doing a graceful twirl before falling backwards onto the bed and dragging Anna down on top of her. With the wide expanse of alabaster skin before her, Anna forgot about her own still-clothed state and resumed kissing her way back and forth across Elsa’s body. Gentle hands tangled in her hair, guiding her to all the places that made Elsa moan and squirm. But when her lips graced the crest of Elsa’s hip and her fingers began to find purchase at the edges of lacy white fabric, Elsa pulled her back up until they were face to face.
“I feel like I can trust you,” Elsa began, eyes sparkling intently. “Can I trust you?”
“Yes,” Anna said, without hesitation, and then suddenly felt like she had agreed to something that she did not yet fully understand.
“Okay, then you can keep going.” Elsa pulled her back down for a quick kiss. “Just… don’t freak out when it happens.”
“Okay? I won’t, I promise.” Anna couldn’t imagine that anything about Elsa could freak her out, but she quickly kissed her on both cheeks as reassurance. Then she levered herself up so that her knees were on either side of Elsa’s waist and proceeded to pull her own dress up over her head before flinging it next to Elsa’s, soon accompanied by her bra.
Anna was not exactly experienced; she could count the number of people she’d had sex with on two hands, and the number of women on one. Ordinarily it was not something she was especially confident about, but now, for the first time in her life, she felt like she knew exactly what she was doing. Leaning forward, she trailed featherlight kisses down Elsa’s neck, through the valley of her breasts and down to her navel. Elsa raised her hips so that Anna could pull her underwear down over her legs, which Elsa kicked off into a corner. Then Anna backed up and started the kisses all over again, first up the inside of one leg all the way up to the crease of Elsa’s thigh before moving back down and kissing all the way up the other. The air in the room felt electric, saturated in Elsa’s breathy moans and the friction of skin against skin.
“Anna,” Elsa pleaded, when Anna let her kisses linger on her inner thighs without going further.
She didn’t need to ask twice; Anna gave her what she wanted.
What Anna didn’t expect was the eye contact. In her previous experiences, she had just kind of… went to work. But Elsa wanted to look at her. Her hands roamed Anna’s hair, caressing and guiding—pulling when Anna got too eager. Anna soon realized she could read the expressions in Elsa’s eyes: could tell when her hips were about to lift off the mattress, could tell when she was about to throw her head back in a cry of ecstasy, could tell when Elsa was close to the edge and pull back just in time. And then, finally, when the edge blurred and every touch, every kiss, every lick and thrust of Anna’s tongue crescendoed while Elsa did her best to hold that precious eye contact through it all. And even though Elsa was the one who was coming, Anna could swear that she was suddenly seeing stars.
When the moment faded, Anna scooted back up the bed and collapsed into Elsa’s side, worn out, at least for the moment, content to press her lips needily against Elsa’s collarbone.
“See?” she murmured into Elsa’s skin. “Nothing to freak out about.”
Elsa just smiled and pointed to the ceiling.
Anna hadn’t been seeing stars after all.
It was simply snowing in Elsa’s bedroom.
-❄-
Now
Anna’s first week at home with Snowflake had been a true delight. She’d known that cockatiels could learn to talk, if maybe a little harder to understand compared to other parrots, but she hadn’t expected the speed at which the lively bird would pick up words. Naturally, the first word Anna taught her was Anna, so that Snowflake could get her attention if she needed it, and that took all of an afternoon. By midweek Snowflake was saying banana when she was hungry, playtime when she was bored, and Anna learned that kiss-kiss already meant that she wanted cuddles, which was frequently.
The one thing that wasn’t going according to plan was the part about actually staying in her cage when Anna tried to put her there. It wasn’t that Snowflake actually made a fuss about going in, it was simply that no matter what Anna did to try to secure the little door, as soon as she turned around for too long or stepped into another room flap-flap there was Snowflake again, like a miniature Houdini with wings. Though her pamphlets had warned that free-flight around the house should be limited, there just seemed to be no way to make the bird stay put, and so Anna was forced to concede the battle. Besides, it wasn’t like there were any cats or dogs to worry about, and Anna simply knew that Snowflake wouldn’t try to escape the house itself.
Having Snowflake around felt remarkably like having another person in the house again, but without the accompanying anxiety and lingering unprocessed emotions. When Anna cooked dinner, she stole bits of food like a little bandit. When she watched trashy TV, Snowflake gamely kept up with Anna’s searing commentary. When Anna went to work on her laptop, Snowflake ‘helpfully’ distracted her with cheek nuzzles, or by picking at Anna’s hair. Anna had hoped caring for the bird would lift her spirits, but half the time it seemed as if Snowflake was caring for her, and she was truly grateful for that.
Eventually Saturday came around again, and so, as was her weekly ritual, after breakfast and Snowflake’s morning feeding, Anna went upstairs and ran herself a hot bath. The house had come with an old-style freestanding porcelain bathtub complete with the little claw feet and it was one of the few small pleasures in life which kept Anna going, a way to while away half the afternoon along with a glass of wine and a nice book. When the water was high enough and just the right temperature, Anna dropped a teal and purple bath bomb into the water. She set her clothes down on the nearby bench as she disrobed, and then, with a deep sigh of relief, Anna lowered herself into the water and closed her eyes, allowing the heat to soothe her ever-aching muscles.
In retrospect, when she opened her eyes again some ten or fifteen minutes later, intent on sipping wine and resuming her current book, she shouldn’t have been so surprised to see Snowflake perched on the edge of the bathtub, just watching her.
“Snowflake! How the heck did you get in here?” Part of her was certain that she’d closed the door to her bedroom before running the bath, but on the other hand the evidence to the contrary was right in front of her. Escaping her cage was one thing, but surely her new friend wasn’t capable of opening doors?
-Anna kiss-kiss!-
“Really? You want to cuddle now?” Anna replied incredulously.
Snowflake chirped brightly in response and hopped down right into the water, splashing Anna in the face. With a defeated sigh, Anna scooped the bird out of the water as she shifted to a sitting position in the tub before placing Snowflake in her favorite spot on her shoulder. “Might as well get the actual bathing out of the way if you’re not going to let me read, huh?”
It was a little tricky getting the washcloth lathered up properly with Snowflake balanced on her shoulder, but with a bit of effort she managed it, and as she busied herself with soaping up her legs, her thoughts inevitably drifted to the many memories that lingered in the room. Of all the many places she and Elsa had made love in this house, the bathtub had been Elsa’s favorite. Water was, quite literally, Elsa’s element, and she delighted in the many ways she could use that fact to her advantage. Elsa never ever flaunted her magic, but in the water, in the privacy of their house, she was free to do as she pleased, and it pleased her to please Anna, manipulating the bathwater into more icy tendrils than Anna could ever count, playing Anna’s body like an expert musician with her most practiced instrument. And when she’d had her fill, Anna would relax back into Elsa’s embrace, where she would whisper loving words into Anna’s ear.
-I love you Anna-
Somehow when she wasn’t paying attention, Snowflake had nuzzled her little face behind Anna’s ear, right in that especially sensitive spot that Elsa had often favored. When she spoke, her soft feathers ghosted against the sensitive skin at the back of her neck, sending a sharp thrill down Anna’s spine. Shame pooled instantly in her stomach and she bit her lip in an effort to stifle her own involuntary reaction. Snowflake, perhaps picking up on the shift in Anna’s demeanor, fluttered across to the other end of the bathtub and eyed her curiously.
After Gerda had given her that warning at the store, Anna had gone and researched human/bird bonding on the internet and thought she’d been prepared if something happened, but she hadn’t expected her fucking body to react like that. It was as if Snowflake knew exactly what her weaknesses were and had gone straight for them at the first opportunity. Which was completely absurd, of course. Only Elsa had known what those were. And where had she learned to say I love you? Anna hadn’t taught her that, though she supposed maybe Gerda had taught it to her at the store.
-Anna- -Anna banana!-
Anna laughed, though the sound of it betrayed a crying session coming in the near future, spurred by the indulgence in old memories. “Oh, are you hungry?! Is that what you want? Well, you’ll at least have to wait until I can dry off and get dressed. Can you handle that?”
Snowflake chirped once and hopped down out of sight, and Anna could hear her flip-flapping across the floor and out of earshot. Anna simply shook her head as she searched around for her bath towel.
Life with Snowflake around the house was quickly becoming more complicated than she had anticipated.
-❄-
Then
“Okay, Anna, this is it, 1843 Arendelle Lane. We’re here!”
“Where is here, exactly?” Anna wondered as she took in their surroundings through the front and side windows from the passenger seat in Elsa’s car. After driving nearly forty-five minutes out of the city, Elsa had finally parked the car on the side of a nondescript street in what appeared to be a rather nondescript suburb.
Elsa rolled her eyes. “Trust me, you’re going to love it. Come on!”
When the two women had exited the car, Elsa grabbed Anna’s hand and practically dragged her down the sidewalk and then up a walkway to the front door of a relatively large, old brick house that looked like it was quite overdue for a good exterior power-washing. Instead of ringing the doorbell as Anna would have expected, Elsa produced a pair of keys on a ring from her pocket and unlocked the door.
Once inside, Anna felt suddenly felt like she had stepped into another world. If the outside had seemed just a bit rundown for the neighborhood, the interior exuded an old-world elegance fit for a royal palace. However, as Elsa led her from the foyer to the kitchen, and then onto the dining room and living room, one rather odd thing started to stand out: everything was spotlessly clean and there were no personal items anywhere in sight.
“Elsa, why does it feel like we just snuck into a fancy house that no one actually lives in?”
Elsa tugged on her hand until they were face to face again, and then fiddled with the key ring until one of them popped off. And then, with a smile on her face as big as any Anna had ever seen, she held up the key in front of her as an offering.
“What do you think, sweetheart? Would you like to move in together?”
Anna’s jaw dropped. “What? Like, move in here?”
“Well, yes, obviously.” Elsa was beaming. “That’s why I brought you here!”
Anna trailed her eyes around the room again, trying to get her mind around the idea of living here, when just minutes earlier her best guess had been that they were visiting one of her girlfriend’s rich relatives or something. “Elsa, how could we ever afford a place like this?”
“That sounds kinda like a yes?” When Anna just stared at her, Elsa gave in and explained. “It’s my aunt’s place, actually. She finally decided it was time to move down to Florida, but this house has been in the family for generations, so she was never going to sell it.”
“So we’d be living here for free?”
“Well not free, but the rent would be dirt cheap. And the air conditioning is always free, of course.”
Anna laughed and looked back to the key that Elsa was still holding in front of her. She clasped her hand around it, but didn’t take it yet. “We’ve only been dating for two months, Elsa. What if this all ends up being a big mistake?”
Elsa pushed the key into her hands and then draped her arms around Anna’s neck and pulled her close. “Every day I wake up and count the minutes until I get to see you. So what if it only took us two months to figure out how we feel about each other? I love you, Anna, there’s no mistake about that.”
“I love you too, Els,” Anna replied, quietly but confidently, because she knew in her heart that it was true.
“So you’ll move in with me?” Elsa made that sad kitten face that Anna could never resist. “I’d be terribly lonely if I had to live in this big house all by myself.”
“Well,” Anna said, “we certainly wouldn’t want that.”
-❄-
Now
Getting out of bed in the morning had never been easy for Anna. She had always been a night owl growing up: in love with the stars, entranced by the roar of a storm, seduced by the pull of a good book she couldn’t put down. Morning always came too soon, glaring sunlight battering against her eyelids when all she wanted was to sleep in just a little longer.
Living with Elsa had actually made mornings enjoyable for so many reasons. Living without Elsa had made them nearly unbearable.
And inevitably there was the one particular day that would always be the worst of all.
-wakey wakey Anna!-
“Go away, Snowflake,” Anna grumbled into the sheets as she buried her head under the pillows. “I’ll feed you later.”
In an ideal world, there would have been some way for her to get through the entire day without ever even having to open her eyes, because she knew that if she did Elsa’s ghost would be everywhere she looked: curled up in bed beside her with that dazzling smile, watching Anna from the bathroom door while she brushed her teeth, singing Taylor Swift songs in the shower at the top of her lungs, taking her sweet time getting dressed while Anna watched, that damn sly look on her face.
When Anna conceded that Elsa’s ghost was simply unavoidable, she opened her eyes anyway, only to find Snowflake gazing back at her from Elsa’s side of the bed.
-Anna kiss-kiss?- Snowflake chirped, in that tone Anna had learned to recognize as a question.
With a tired sigh she gestured for the bird to come cuddle, and Snowflake happily hopped over and curled up in the crook of her neck while making soothing little cooing sounds. It reminded her of the way Elsa would sometimes just cuddle up to her from behind in the mornings and hum random little songs into her ear. Those were the moments that were secretly Anna’s most cherished. Elsa was loving and passionate and funny and oh god she was so beautiful, but in the end all she wanted, all she needed was to be able to hear her heartbeat somewhere close.
When she realized tears were streaming down her face, she rolled onto her back and picked Snowflake up as she propped herself up against her pillows. “Sorry, girl, it’s just too much right now, okay?”
Snowflake tilted her head. -Anna loves Elsa-
Anna nodded, wiping clumsily at the tears on her face. She had of course told Snowflake all about Elsa; how they met, how they fell in love, how wise she was and how foolish she could be sometimes. And eventually she even broke a promise and told Snowflake about Elsa’s magic.
-Elsa loves Anna-, the bird chirped confidently. -I love you-
“I know you do, Snowflake.” Anna tried to force a smile. Snowflake was doing her best to comfort her; she couldn’t know that Anna didn’t particularly want to be comforted right now. “But I’m really sad right now. I kinda just want to be alone.”
-Elsa loves Anna- -Anna never alone-
“Well it sure feels like it today! She left me, damn it! I know it wasn’t her fault and I would never blame her, but every day I just end up missing her more than ever.”
-I miss you too-
Anna placed Snowflake down at the edge of the mattress and curled up on her side. “I know you’re trying to help, I just wish it was working.”
-Elsa loves Anna- -Snowflake do magic!-
“Can you bring Elsa back?” Anna asked, incredulously.
Instead of answering, Snowflake took off into the air. Anna had never seen the bird fly for more than a few seconds, so to suddenly see her zooming around the ceiling of her bedroom was a surprise of its own, but that was quickly overshadowed by what came next.
Living with Elsa, Anna had come to perceive the extraordinary as mundane. Magic was a convenient icy breeze on a hot summer day, magic was the promise of snow on a cozy winter night. Magic was not having to worry about the food in the fridge spoiling when the power went out. Magic was having afternoon snowball fights in the living room, and making snow angels on the bedroom floor late at night. Magic was Elsa and Elsa was magic and that was all Anna had ever needed to know. When Elsa was gone, she had figured that magic would be gone from her life with her, and wondered if in twenty or thirty years she’d find herself questioning whether she’d imagined the whole thing.
But when snow began to fall from the glowing blue trail of Snowflake’s wings as she whirled around the bedroom ceiling, Anna realized that she had barely known anything about magic at all.
When Snowflake finally fluttered down from the ceiling and landed on her lap, Anna mustered all her willpower and forced herself to ask the one question that now drowned out all of her other thoughts.
“Elsa, is that you?”
-Hi sweetheart-
-❄-
Then
If the two months between meeting Elsa and moving in together had seemed like a whirlwind romance, the next two years could only be described as a hurricane-force love affair. Elsa racked up promotions like prizes at a county fair, dragged Anna off on spur of the moment vacations to places like Greece and Australia. Together they hosted fabulous dinner parties for their friends before scurrying off to a secluded cabin somewhere for precious and intimate alone-together time. Every moment Anna spent with Elsa was just another dip or climb or loop in a roller-coaster of emotion and infatuation that seemed like it would never end.
So it was all too easy to overlook the signs. The headaches blamed on alcohol or jet lag. The growing regimen of supplements added to Elsa’s morning routine. The increasingly frequent nosebleeds, always explained away by something like altitude or allergies or anxiety or all of the above.
Elsa was a storm; the concept of human mortality never warranted serious consideration.
Until Anna got the call from the hospital and soon after found herself standing by her girlfriend’s bedside, failing to comprehend why Elsa had so many tubes attached to her, why her skin was nearly as white as the sheets, why the way Elsa was looking at her filled her with an ineffable dread.
“When can you come home?”
“The doctors want to run a few more tests in the morning, but they said I can go home after that.”
Elsa held Anna’s hands in her lap; her fingers were ice cold, Anna’s were damp with sweat.
“For how long?” Anna had spoken briefly with the doctor outside, she knew that sounded too good to be true.
Elsa didn’t answer right away. “Until it gets worse,” she conceded eventually.
“There’s nothing they can do before then? Some kind of experimental treatment we could try?”
“We’ll make the most of things, Anna, like we always have.”
“That’s not an answer!”
“It’s a high-grade astrocytoma. There’s no cure for that.”
Anna still wasn’t really processing what Elsa was saying. “How long do we have? Years? Months?”
Elsa shook her head. “Weeks.”
“Fuck, Elsa. How can you be so calm right now?” When Elsa’s only response was to look down at her hands, Anna understood. “You already knew.”
“It runs in the family. I knew there was a pretty high chance.”
“Oh god.” Anna was suddenly incredibly light-headed. She nearly collapsed before managing to grab a nearby chair and sit down. “Fucking hell, that explains so many things.”
If Anna had known what was coming, if she had known there was a very high chance that she would die so young and so quickly, she would have lived… exactly like Elsa had. Seizing every moment, stealing every kiss, cherishing every laugh every smile every moan every tear every snowflake and every single word and touch and breath. Elsa had packed a lifetime of love into two short years, because she’d known she’d have to.
“I’m so mad at you right now,” Anna grumbled through gritted teeth.
Elsa tried to lean closer, only to wince and sit back up. “I never rushed anything with you, Anna, I swear. But I never let myself waste any time doubting how I felt about you. About how much I love you.”
“You could have told me!”
“Would it have made the time we’ve had together any better? All the memories we’ve made would have been clouded by fear, wondering if the next adventure might be the last. I had to live with that, Anna. I was never going put that burden on you as well.”
Anna hated that Elsa was right. And she hated especially that there was really nothing left to say, no argument to make that would substantially change anything that was going to happen after. So, when she’d regained enough influence over her emotional state to stand up from the chair without collapsing, she climbed up onto the bed and maneuvered under and around the various tubes and cables and medical contraptions until she was nestled somewhat comfortably against Elsa’s side and buried her head under Elsa’s shoulder.
Time passed in a non-linear way. Anna’s only purpose was to cherish every breath Elsa took, the rise and fall of Elsa’s chest against Anna’s cheek. They had spent a thousand moments like this before, but those had all seemed timeless, infinite, stretching casually into forever. Now they were finite, every breath counting down one by one until one day none would be left.
And somewhere in that time-like space they had another conversation. Anna had been crying inconsolably; Elsa’s hospital gown was drenched in tears. And somehow Elsa figured out that the only way to stop it was to kiss her, to swallow all of Anna’s tears as they fell, to bite at Anna’s lip so that she could remember they were both still very much alive. Because Elsa had one more thing she had to tell her.
“Anna, I need you to listen for a moment okay? Even if you don’t understand entirely.”
Anna looked up at her, eyes still red and sore from all the crying. “Okay. I’ll do my best.”
“I know it feels like you’re losing me. Like I’m going away somewhere you can’t follow. But I’m not going anywhere. That’s a promise, Anna, okay? I’ll wait here for you, so you can come with me when it’s your time and not a moment sooner.”
“But you’re dying, Elsa.”
“I know. That part is unavoidable.”
“You were right, I don’t understand.”
“I wish I could explain, but it doesn’t quite work like that. You may need to find me, okay? You need to look for me, because I might not be able to look for you.”
“Okay.” Anna wasn’t in the state of mind to be able know what she was agreeing to, but she said yes anyway. It fed her burgeoning denial, drowned the tip of the iceberg of grief waiting inevitably in her future.
The next morning, when Anna remembered the conversation again in the clear light of day, she decided it was awfully cruel of Elsa to make an impossible promise that she would never be able to keep.
-❄-
Now
Anna had never understood why Elsa wanted to be cremated instead of buried. There was no grave for her, no grave marker, no headstone with ‘beloved daughter’ written on it, no flowers to leave behind after some sappy one-sided conversation. Elsa had left instructions for what to do with her ashes which, until just recently, Anna hadn’t even read. That was a problem for future-Anna, for an Anna who had found a way to cope with the pain of letting go, and she hadn’t been that person, not yet. As it turned out, future-Anna was perfectly okay with that.
There is no rushing grief, it will take from you what it has to, but you will still be there after it’s gone.
On a Tuesday afternoon, she got in her car, hit the ‘navigate’ button on the app on her phone, and drove out of the suburbs, out of the city limits, down along a snowy highway to a nearby state park. She sang along to the Taylor Swift songs she’d queued up on her music playlist, occasionally holding down the mute button so that Snowflake could chirp out a chorus line or two. After about an hour she pulled into a little parking area off the highway, slipped Snowflake into an inside jacket pocket, and made her way down a well-worn trail to a designated area by a bend in the river for which the park was named. At a spot near the river’s edge, she set the urn on the ground between her feet so that it wouldn’t fall over. She pulled a small piece of paper out of a pocket and unfolded it, checking one last time, just to be safe.
when you’re ready, throw my ashes into the air over a frozen river
Snowflake poked her head out of the collar of Anna’s jacket. -Hi Anna!-
“Hi yourself, Snowflake. Are you ready?”
-I was born ready!-
Anna chuckled. “Somehow I feel like that’s my line. Okay, here goes.”
With a little effort, she hefted the urn back up from the ground; it was heavier than it seemed like it ought to be from the size of it. The wind picked up just then, which Anna suspected was not by chance. Anna said a few words under her breath, the sound lost to the wind as it whipped out across the frozen river. Then she unscrewed the lid of the scattering urn and cast the ashes out over the ice.
As the ashes left the urn, arcing into the air, they began to glow blue; impossibly thin trails of light that started faintly before glowing bright and crackling like little silent fireworks, suspended in the air above the river. When the fireworks died out, a cloud of microfine ice crystals remained, hovering in the air, seemingly unaffected by gravity, floating on invisible currents. Currents that slowly coalesced into a vaguely humanoid form, and eventually into the shape and hues of a body that was unmistakably Elsa.
Anna hadn’t known that this would happen, but at the same time she had known that this would happen.
“Hi, Elsa,” she said, with a smile brighter than the sun.
“Hi, sweetheart.” Elsa’s voice had an otherworldly quality to it, like the way one might imagine a stained glass window would sound.
-Hi Elsa!-
Snowflake, of course, could not be left out of the conversation. That was perhaps the most surprising thing Anna had learned in the past few weeks. Snowflake was Elsa, but also Snowflake was just Snowflake. She was the voice of a woman who had simply refused to leave her love behind, and also she was a cheeky little bird with a mind all her own. Anna had given up trying to figure out how exactly to make sense of that, it simply was.
Elsa held out a shimmering hand, and Snowflake squirmed her way out of Anna’s coat and fluttered across the gap to land on her fingers.
“What!” Anna exclaimed. “How does that even work?”
Elsa grinned and held out her other arm. “I’m not intangible, silly! But you do have to come here.”
Tears streamed down Anna’s face as she practically launched herself into Elsa’s waiting arms. She was sobbing and smiling and laughing at the same time. “I missed you so much, Els, you have no idea.”
“I know, sweetheart, I really do.”
Anna pulled back from the embrace just enough to lean her forehead against Elsa’s, searching for answers in her eyes. “How does any of this work, Els? Is this the last time I’ll ever get to see you like this?”
Elsa tilted her head and pressed her lips to Anna’s. “I promised I’d wait for you, and I meant every word of that. This,” and Elsa paused to peck Anna’s lips again, “can’t be an all the time thing, unfortunately. Or even a most of the time thing. But we’ll figure something out, won’t we, Snowflake?”
Snowflake had hopped up Elsa’s arm and was nuzzling her little face against both their cheeks. -Snowflake do magic!-
Anna sighed and moved her head back to where it had been resting on Elsa’s shoulder. “For now, all I want is for you to hold me.”
Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna as tight as she could, and that was enough.
Thank you guys for all the well wishes about my mom’s situation.
She is home, stable, and undergoing cancer treatment. Her diagnosis and prognosis are (knock on wood) better than we thought. There is hope for her. It’s going to be a battle, but we’re fighting it.
I think getting back into sims content will help clear my head with everything going on.
ALT
