#cw drowning
new reblog game! where have YOU guys nearly drowned?
Words: ca. 4,500
Setting: mAU
Lemon: no
Content: Imagery of drowning and being lost at sea. Angst. Various mentions of death.
Song: Not named after a single song, the story is titled after a concept album of the same name. Each titled section is based on one of the songs in the suite.
The Ninth Wave.
“Wave after wave, each mightier than the last,
Till last minute, a ninth one, gathering half the deep,
And full of voices, slowly rose and plunged,
Roaring, and all the wave was in a flame.”
-Alfred Tennyson
There wasn’t any particular reason why Elsa took the boat out by herself in the evening. It just felt like the sea was calling to her and she wanted to get out of the flat.
The song her mother used to sing before her passing had been playing on her mind a lot.
Where the north wind meets the sea, there’s a river full of memory,
Dive down deep into her sound, for in this river all is found.
Answers were definitely something she yearned for. That was probably what was drawing her to the water. That songs promise for clarity. Her head hadn’t stopped spinning since Anna had messaged her that morning.
Anna <3
Hey sis, I saw a super cute library earlier and it reminded me of you. I had to text you cuz I know you love them. Maybe we can visit it soon…I miss you. Hope you’re okay.
Elsa hadn’t replied to any of Anna’s messages for a long time. It wasn’t Anna’s fault and it wasn’t because Elsa didn’t want to talk to her. It was just that she liked her too much and it was better to just stay away from her. Anna had wanted the same things, had even been eager to give Elsa everything she wanted.
It wasn’t like Elsa wanted to ignore her, it was just that she wanted to keep Anna safe. What they had been doing wasn’t right. It had been long enough that she was becoming fearful of forgetting what her voice sounded like. That had made the bad days so difficult. But she kept telling herself that you’ve got to make sacrifices for the people you love sometimes. Even if it hurts you. How could you say you love someone and just let them be ridiculed and possibly ostracized from most societies. That’s what would happen if people found out about them. It just isn’t worth that. You aren’t supposed to love your sister that way.
Lost in her own head, she’d steered the boat further and further out to sea. Not really paying attention. Now there was no sign of anything and the wind was billowing around her viciously. Making the boat difficult to control. The waves tossing her about like a sardine in a tin. Elsa hadn’t really been thinking clearly. So full of anxiety over all the thoughts that she hadn’t checked the weather reports or gone out at a safer time of day.
Now she didn’t know how she was supposed to get back to shore. It was so dark and she couldn’t orient herself properly. She’d been so full of anxiety over all the thoughts that she hadn’t checked the weather reports.
The waves kept growing larger. Making the boat rock and swing side to side. Rising and falling so much that she kept getting thrown hard against the deck. Waves crashed over her head faster than she could get up. Her feet slipped repeatedly on the soaked floor. The boat filling up with water.
Elsa just managed to pull on the life jacket as she was thrown overboard.
And dream of sheep
The tiny battery powered light on her life jacket blinks brightly like a beacon. Elsa floats alone in the ocean. Surrounded by nothing at all except the water and the sky above her.
It’s okay, she says to herself. Surely, if rescuers come, they won’t take me for a piece of driftwood. They will recognise her as a living thing, won’t they? They will see her racing white horses and realize she’s a person.
It’s so awfully quiet. What she wouldn’t give for something to listen to, even something stupid on the radio. Basic pop songs or dudes talking about silly things. Anything to keep her mind away from the horrors of what’s unfolding.
Things her mother has told her keep coming to mind as she’s floating. Things that used to scare her. When she was young her mother had scolded her for falling asleep in the bath. She has said that she might turn over in her sleep and drown. But she wants to sleep so desperately. To black out and be disconnected from what’s happening to her. A realistic desire to be granted an easy escape. Her fingers and toes are numb and it’s so cold. There is no way to fathom what creatures dwell beneath her.
Why did I do this, what was I thinking. It was stupid.
The idea that she might not wake up keeps bringing forth comforting memories. The memory of when she used to have nightmares and seek out her sister’s warmth. Standing next to Anna as she slept. Not wanting to wake her but knowing she would notice her presence. She always noticed. The way she would lift the sheets for Elsa to climb in next to her.
“Come and cuddle with me.” she’d say.
There’s something contradictory in her desires both to stay awake and be lulled to sleep. Her body grows colder and weaker and it becomes harder to ignore the exhaustion. Slowly she drifts away, into sleep.
Under Ice
It’s wonderful.
Everywhere is so white.
The lake has frozen over.
Not a soul on the ice.
Only me.
The only sound to be heard is the rhythmic pumping of the skaters legs sawing the surface of a great lake. Legs moving swiftly from side to side as she carves little lines on the surface. Increasing in tempo with every slice she makes.
Above her head, a storm is starting to brew. Dark clouds erupt out of the blue to fill the sky and darken everything beneath them.
As she glides like a figure skater, somewhere in the distance, she hears a voice calling for her.
Horrifying in its urgency.
“Elsa!”
One word can say so many things. This one word telling her to come home. Please come back. I’m worried about you. Please come to safety. There is danger here.
Elsa ignores it. Rushing over the ice with reckless abandon. Flying on silver heels. Rejecting the anxious cries in the distance. Gliding further and further away.
Cutting out her little lines.
Racing straight into the mouth of the oncoming storm. The pointed knives of her boots slashing and striking every inch they touch.
Skating relentlessly, deeper into the darkness.
A great rumbling sound pierces the scene. A deep guttural cracking that vibrates beneath her feet.
There’s a dull thudding coming from somewhere, she can hear it coming from behind her. Curiosity overcomes her and she brings herself to a halt. Turning to look back where she just came.
A once pristine sheet of ice, now ravished by a thousand harsh lines. Something smooth and pristine now rough and jagged.
Mutilated.
The sound isn’t coming from above the ice. It’s down underneath.
Under ice.
Visible faintly beneath the surface.
They are clawing and punching at the prison they are encased within. Trying to get out of the freezing water beneath.
Elsa moves closer.
As if from far away, she can hear her mother singing her lullaby.
Dive down deep into her sound.
But not too far or you’ll be drowned.
Peering into the cloudy surface with narrowed eyes. They have pale skin and white blonde hair fanning out around their face like a halo.
Eyes freakishly large. Petrified. Thrashing in terror.
It’s me.
Fingers scraping uselessly against an impenetrable force field. Stains of bright red contrast oddly with the complete whiteness of all things.
It’s me.
As Elsa leans closer, the mouth opens wide, unable to hold breath any longer. Drinking death.
Fingers slacken against the surface, screeching horribly as the body grows still.
Floating upwards. Face pressing against the ice.
Recognition sucks all the air from the world and everything evaporates.
It’s me!”
Waking the witch
“Wake up!”
“Good morning.”
“Come on Elsa, please wake up.”
“The sky’s awake, so I’m awake, so we have to play.”
“Push me on the swings Elsa!”
“Look, it’s snowing!”
“Why are we not friends anymore?”
“I miss you Elsa,”
“I know you’re worried Elsa, but you can talk to me.”
“Can you just let me in, please?.”
“Wake up sleepy head.”
I’m sorry Anna.
“Elsa, why are you ignoring me?”
“Why are you still laying in bed, get up silly!”
“Wake up”
“Wake up child”
I can’t wake up. I’m sorry.
“But Elsa, can you not see that little light up there?”
“Anna?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“There!” the little voice replies.
Why does a little light matter anyway?
“It’s over there, can you not see?”
“Where?”
“You must wake up Elsa.”
It’s no use.
Sinking deeper into dreams.
“In her waters, deep and true, lie the answers and a path for you.”
Deeper and deeper.
“Over here!”
That voice is from somewhere different. Coming from another time, a different place.
“Don’t you know you’ve kept them waiting?”
Her sister wafts like smoke in front of her and she’d like to reach out a hand to touch her. Maybe she’s coming to invite her on a bike ride or to grab a coffee. Maybe they’ll scrape their knees riding home. Forgetting to pull the breaks like they did when they were kids.
Deeper and deeper.
As her hand reaches upwards to touch, the vision disintegrates. Everything is dark and no light can be found.
It’s not Anna who’s come to see her…It’s the inquisitor.
Pounding drums and Latin music engulf her on all sides. The sound of chanting in strange tongues. A crowd singing in latin prayer. Maybe this is a nightmare, maybe a callback to a past life somehow. Maybe she is in hell.
Spiritus sanctus in nomine
Spiritus sanctus in nomine
Spiritus sanctus in nomine
Elsa walks barefoot across leaf strewn ground. Twigs snagging at the soles of her feet. Making them weep red tears as the crowd heckles. Great black wings rest heavily on her back. Unable to open up and fly. Useless broken wings.
Deus et dei domino
Deus et dei domino
Deus et dei domino
With every step she can feel the heavy tug. Every step is slow and exhausting as she walks without choice to her watery tomb.
The inquisitor twirls around her. Face twisting and morphing, neither solid or liquid. More like vapor.
Each face in the crowd is eerily familiar.
Thousands of mirrored images. A face she’s seen pale and drowned, staring at her with unconcealed venom. Despising every facet of her existence.
Wishing she would die.
As the inquisitor twirls the cape and stomps around her, the face shifts and dances. Melting to take different shapes. Sometimes the face looks like herself, sometimes her mother or her father. Sometimes it’s Anna.
Anna, looking at her with all the hatred that Elsa reserves for herself.
Elsa can’t escape this time. There’s a stone tied around her leg.
“Why did you push me away like that?” the thing growls.
“I don’t know.”
“Tell the truth, confess to me,”
“I-I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You left me alone.”
“I’m sorry Anna, please understand. I love you.”
“What the hell did I do to you?”
“Nothing. You did nothing Anna. I am just broken. There’s something wrong with me. It’s not your fault. Please listen to me, it’s not your fault!”
As the words leave her lips they distort and crackle like a broken television.
Warbling and dropping, they keep changing into something toxic and harsh on the way out of her mouth.
The thing that sometimes wears her sister’s face turns away.
Rejecting her.
Help me, there’s a stone around my leg.
“Don’t go, Help me, help me, listen to me, please listen, help me Anna, talk to them!”
Her voice just won’t work. It cracks like a whip and it makes her wince.
The thing turns to face her. Smiling too wide. Both recognisable and like nothing she’s ever seen.
“I question your innocence,” it snarls.
“I never wanted to hurt anybody, I just…I just…I thought if I pushed you away I’d stop loving you the wrong way, please understand.”
You don’t understand, there’s a stone around my leg.
“You’re a witch.” said the thing that looked like her sister. The crowd cheers. Singing their agreement. Her wings hang limp and useless by her sides. Pointless things, cumbersome and heavy.
Elsa reaches the platform. Standing high above her own grave.
“What say you good people?” the inquisitor cries, holding arms out wide, grinning with that almost familiar smile.
“Guilty!”
“Guilty!”
“Guilty!”
The weight of the stone pulls her down into the depths before she can even scream.
Now her wings are in the water. Useless, broken wings.
Above the water, the inquisitor lets out an amused laugh.
“Not guilty, damn.”
As she’s dying she hears them shouting. Commanding her pointlessly, fruitlessly, to get out of the water. Laughing because she’s helpless.
“Get out of the waves, get out of the water!”
But I can’t. There’s a stone around my leg.
Watching you without me
The drip of water rings together with the ticking of the clock.
Elsa watches Anna waiting for her. Maybe she’s a ghost. A soul separating from a body as life starts to wane. A bizarre out of body experience. Maybe she’s already dead and just hasn’t noticed.
How precious communication seems when you’re dying and unable to say anything.
Somewhere far away she can still feel the eb and flow of cold water as she bob’s out to sea like a buoy. Words come from cracked numb lips that can barely move.
“You can’t hear me, you can’t hear me, you can’t hear what I’m saying, do you?”
It’s funny how now she’s ready to speak, it’s impossible. Elsa wonders if this is a common thing to feel upon dying. To have so many things to say and no way to say them.
It wasn’t your fault Anna. I never meant to hurt you. I just…I can’t explain it. The reasons are so complex. I didn’t know how to tell you. I wanted to be with you but I convinced myself staying away was the right thing to do. I know it was wrong. But that’s what the mind can do. It suffocates life not only within you but in everything that touches you. I know you love me too and I wish I could have loved you back the way you deserved.
Now she finds herself about to experience the most enormous event to ever occur to her aside from life itself and she must do it alone. Knowing Anna will not understand why she was abandoned.
All she wants is to be close to Anna again. To play one more game of charades. To sneak into the kitchens to steal chocolate. So many tiny things that can seem insignificant in life but truly mean everything.
To let her know what happened. That she does love her, more than anything. That what others will say means nothing in comparison to Anna being happy.
Elsa wonders how many connections are severed from inexplicable accidents. How many people exist in the world who should be together but can never be. How unfair life is.
“You can’t hear me, you can’t feel me, I’m here in the room with you now. Just look and you’ll see me.”
If only she could go back to before she went on that cursed trip. When she was convincing herself to keep running away. Maybe she would ask her past self some questions.
If you knew you were about to die…
Whose company would you find yourself in?
Who are you saying goodbye to?
Who are you saying I love you to?
Who are you thinking about when you realize that you will never, ever see them again?
Elsa’s always known the answers. But it’s only now that it hits her with full force. Now that she has no choice but to face the truth.
Anna.
It’s always been Anna.
Anna is like my little light. My life jacket. I was never supposed to leave her.
Elsa thinks of the fleetingness of life. How it can be taken without a moment’s warning. Most people don’t wake up one day and think, oh I better go to all my loved ones and express the truest and deepest feelings I have for them because I’m going to die in an hour.
For so many there is no way to say goodbye.
My little light.
For so long all she wanted was to be freed by the everlasting peace of solitude.
To be in control of just one thing like she could never control her own mind. To be able to protect Anna.
But death is so sudden and final. Forcing yourself away from love isn’t giving anybody a better life. It’s just condemning yourself to pain.
Elsa wants to see Anna’s face. To be close to her.
Moving or floating she can’t really tell. She gazes at her sister laying on the floor with her feet up against the clock. Watching the clock tick. Waiting for Elsa. Elsa wants to comfort her. To say sorry. To tell her to keep going and to be hopeful.
Time moves fast here, Anna fidgets and moves around the room. Restless, anxious, pacing. Tears streaming down her freckled face.
I’m sorry I never replied, oh Anna, don’t cry, don’t you know you’re my little light.
Never in her turmoil, had she thought about the empty space she might leave behind. What happens to Anna when she’s forced to live in pain at the loss of her. Elsa always thought that she would be better off without her. Anna doesn’t deserve the hatred that comes with what they feel for each other.
Don’t ignore me, please see me, let me in, don’t be long.
Nothing. Anna can’t see her.
Seeing her sister like this. Broken just like she was once in life. With nothing there to warp her perception. The clarity of truth is the most painful thing you’ll ever have to face.
I’ve got to go now, I’m about to die, I wish I could tell you, I wish you could hear me.
“I love you Anna. ”
Jig of life
Can’t you see where memories are kept bright,
Tripping on the water like a laughing girl,
Time in her eyes is spawning past life,
One with the ocean and the woman unfurled,
Holding all the love, it waits for you here,
Catch us now for I am your future,
A kiss on the wind and we’ll make the land,
Come over to where when lingers,
Waiting in this empty world,
Waiting for then when the life spray cools,
For now does ride in on the curl of the wave,
And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools,
We are of the going water and the gone,
We are of water in the holy land of water,
And all that’s to come runs in,
With the thrust on the strand.
-John Carder Bush
As she floats in the neverending abyss of the open ocean. Detaching from all things physical. Things start to dance in front of her. She welcomes them. A woman unfurls herself from the waves and stands before her. Wrinkled face smiling at her with so much love. Not like the faces of the fever dreams, kind and sympathetic. Hair turned grey with age. But the face is still unmistakable.
“Hello old lady,” says Elsa softly.
“I know your face well.”
The old lady looks down at her. Apart from the signs of aging, symmetrical to herself in every single way.
“Now is the place where the crossroads meet, will you look into the future?”
Elsa is intrigued by the apparition but curiously accepting. After all she’s seen this just makes sense. When you are at death’s door, all moments of life meet and dance as one. Past, present and future are simultaneous, continuous and eternal. Only when one steps outside of that time stream can one understand that every moment of life has always belonged and been as one.
Elsa’s older self takes her cold, wet hand in her own. It’s comfortably warm and welcoming.
“Let me live.” she pleads.
“How? I am Dying, I feel I am already dead.”
“Come on and let me live girl.”
“How can I?”
“Elsa, this moment in time doesn’t belong to you anymore, it belongs to me”
“But I am you.”
“Where on your palm is my little line, when you’re written in mine as an old memory?”
More figures erupt from the ocean with every crash of the waves. Standing as tall and real as the ocean itself.
A curious feeling to know that the Elsa in front of her has already lived a complete life. Maybe we can never really be alone because we are connected to ourselves. All moments linked in a long chain from past to present to future.
Moments in time begin rushing and dancing around her. So many moments of a long life lived. A life that’s so much longer than she can believe.
Is this all still a dream?
Anna and Elsa embracing. Elsa drenched and crying. Kissing the ground and smiling wider than she’s ever smiled.
Elsa telling Anna all the things she should have said a long time ago. Anna crying as she embraces her.
Anna looking at her with eyes full of so much love.
“Elsa, I’m waiting for you.”
Anna kissing Elsa on the brow and wrapping a scarf around her shoulders. Comforting her from nightmares and bringing her bowls of her favorite food.
Anna and Elsa running around in a rainstorm in nothing but t-shirts and splashing in puddles. Ruining their clothes and not caring one bit.
Kissing in the rain. Looking much older than they are now.
The dance of life is relentless. A kaleidoscope of color and moments. Pain and suffering mixing seamlessly with the beautiful and the comforting.
“You see, you can’t die Elsa dear, your life has only begun.”
Elsa lips curve in a small smile as she watches her own life.
“Come home Elsa.”
“How can I come home?”
“Your little light Elsa.”
What little light?
Curiously detached. Maybe once the imagery of her kissing Anna would have created wonderful blissful feelings. Now it just seems like her life is just a film that she’s seen a thousand times. Just lots of moments to stack around herself like building blocks.
“I’ll put this moment here.”
“I’ll put this moment here.”
Arranging the moments of her life like she’s stacking shoes on a shoe rack. Taking stock of an existence full of small moments.
“Over here!”
That voice.
Elsa detaches from her own body completely.
Hello earth
Elsa looks at her new toy. Equal parts bemused and awed. When she reaches her hand up in front of her face, she can blot the whole thing out.
“Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo little earth” she giggles like a child.
You can be anywhere if you detach from the physical. Elsa finds herself here, so far away that she can see the whole earth in her vision. The strangest feeling overcomes her looking at the little ball. A curious desire to protect it and nurture it. To see it for what it really is, small and fragile like all the people who walk upon it.
The freedom of being able to be anywhere all at once brings up so many ideas. could be anywhere, yet she finds herself out here, of the earth and yet not a part of it.
“Peek-a-boo little earth”
Playing her game.
Then she’s driving down the road with Anna in the back seat of her car, snoring softly with her hair covering her face.
She will have to get her some hot chocolate or something when they get home, Anna’s always liked hot drinks before bed and she must be exhausted. It’s very important and she must not forget.
Some part of her would like to just keep driving around with Anna, listening to something on the radio. Not saying anything but feeling completely connected.
I need to look up at the sky.
The thought comes suddenly and she can’t resist its beckoning. Elsa parks the car on the side of the road. Stepping outside and closing the door carefully so Anna doesn’t wake.
When she’s walked for a while down the dimly lit path, she stops and looks up at the sky.
The stars are all so bright, a million tiny jewels glittering against the pitch black curtain of the night. There’s something much brighter than everything else up there. Maybe it’s a comet, or a shooting star.
A little light.
“Look at it go!” Elsa cries, she can’t help herself. The sight of it fills her with a joy she can’t explain.
“Look at that little light go!”
The little light is shining in her eyes and as she stares it seems to absorb her. Then she’s back above the world. Watching herself get on the boat.
Elsa wants to call out, to scream at herself to just go home. To her real home.
Get out of the waves, get out of the water.
Some truths are universal. Everybody can suffer and all living beings will die. No amount of understanding can prevent that. So no call to run to safety can mar this storm. Elsa’s voice cannot be heard.
Out of the cloudburst, the head of the tempest.
Now she’s weeping, not just for the loss of her life, but for every person. Every soul.
There she is. Lost at sea. The little light on her life jacket blinking in the darkness. It hurts so much to learn lessons when it’s too late.
The voice is calling for her again.
“Deeper, deeper, somewhere in the deep, there is a light.”
In the depths of sorrow there is always a light. Thinking of Anna, she lets herself fade away.
Go to sleep Elsa.
The morning fog.
The light is blinding. It’s like she’s falling, being born again into the sweet morning fog. The ground feels like it’s moving underneath her like the waves. Unable to walk steadily, she sinks to her knees gratefully onto the sand. Everything is so bright and it’s beautiful. Crying with happiness and relief. By some miracle she has been rescued. Perhaps her wish was granted and they really did spot her little light.
Overcome with elation, she kisses the ground. Elsa has died and been reborn over and over. Gone from the spiritual to the physical to the surreal. Now she’s fallen like a stone onto dry land and she’s been given another chance.
Her mother was right after all. Water holds memories and it holds the truth. The only thing she can think about as the sun shines hot on her sodden skin is finding Anna. To kiss her and hug her and never ever let her go again.
To tell her that after all she’s been through, she can love her better now.
