I don’t know what I expect of you, but it is something in the way of a miracle. I am going to demand everything of you—even the impossible, because you encourage it.
Henry Miller,A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953
There is value here as well as agony. What we notice in the stories is the nearness of the wound to the gift: the one who is wounded is marked out – literally and symbolically – by the wound. The wound is a sign of difference.
Jeanette Winterson, from Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal
“I think women like to read about murderous mothers and lost little girls because it’s our only mainstream outlet to even begin discussing female violence on a personal level. Female violence is a specific brand of ferocity. It’s invasive. A girlfight is all teeth and hair, spit and nails — a much more fearsome thing to watch than two dudes clobbering each other. And the mental violence is positively gory. Women entwine. Some of the most disturbing, sick relationships I’ve witnessed are between long-time friends, and especially mothers and daughters. Innuendo, backspin, false encouragement, punishing withdrawal, sexual jealousy, garden-variety jealousy — watching women go to work on each other is a horrific bit of pageantry that can stretch on for years. Libraries are filled with stories on generations of brutal men, trapped in a cycle of aggression. I wanted to write about the violence of women. […] I particularly mourn the lack of female villains — good, potent female villains…I’m talking violent, wicked women. Scary women. Don’t tell me you don’t know some. The point is, women have spent so many years girl-powering ourselves — to the point of almost parodic encouragement — we’ve left no room to acknowledge our dark side. Dark sides are important. They should be nurtured like nasty black orchids.”
—Gillian Flynn, “I Was Not a Nice Little Girl”(viaapocryphics)
“If a woman loves you, she’ll love you with all of her heart. She’ll give you every drop of love inside her, even when she stops getting it back. She’ll wait for you to realize that, and she’ll endure all the pain without complaining. But, there’s a limit to all that, because when she’s done, she’ll empty herself of all the love there is in your name, and she’ll forgive you. She’ll forgive you because even when she’s in pain there is still so much love left inside of her for herself.”
I talked about what happened for the first time today.
What came after was something I never thought I needed. To pour my heart out to a friend, a seemingly small and insignificant gesture, to all of a sudden have this unexplainable feeling of freedom.
What came after were tears. Feelings I never realized were bottled up for so long. Thoughts and emotions that came rushing through with nothing blocking its path.
It’s a heavy burden to carry, to be hurt so badly and yet have no one talk to about it. To be silent out of fear that speaking out may evidently hurt more people than it can do good.
When you let yourself believe you are the reason for someone’s mistake, you do yourself a great disservice. You allow yourself to succumb to endless doubt, and you feed into the fear that you’ll end up all alone.
But sometimes, being alone doesn’t equate being lonely. It’s okay to be alone. And maybe you’ve been blinded for so long you think you won’t handle the idea of being on your own again.
The truth is, you’ve always been alone.
Lonely, on the other hand, is being with someone and yet still feel incredibly alone.
