Nail polish 2 hours after you apply it to your nails intentionally: oh no, a gust of air has lightly accosted me! I have been torn asunder and stricken from my resting place, I must leave this place at once!
Nail polish the millisecond you spill it on something accidentally: the essence of my being has been permanently bonded to this substance since the day I was born—atom to atom, body and soul. you could no sooner remove me from this wooden table than you could remove the ocean from its water
everyone is too busy on their phones these days to earn the undying loyalty of a misunderstood beast by treating it with compassion and respect instead of fear
All you’ve ever wanted was to be feared and rule the world but every villainous act you commit backfires. Steal candy from a baby? Poisoned candy, baby saved. Steal the baby? Abusive parents. Threw a woman off a building? Push she needed to unlock her powers of flight, she’s now your sidekick.
Newly acquired toddler: Mr. Evil man you sure are helping a lot of people.
Villain: Finish eating your lunch, Timmy. Daddy’s plotting to overthrow the Big Bank.
Sidekick: Oh that’s great, John! They’re so corrupt. I’ll cancel my plans with Linda tonight. She’s gonna love this.
Villain: *crumples up evil plans and throws them across the room* DAMMIT!
