#realisation of feelings
Track five: I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be
Rating:E 18+ (scenes of a sexual nature ~ canon typical violence ~ rated E for later chapters)
Pairings:Simon Lewis x Jace (insert chosen last name here) / minor Alec Lightwood x Magnus Bane / minor Simon Lewis x others)
Chapter summary: Jace has to live with the consequences of his actions. Alec and Magnus help him come to terms with how he really feels about Simon and together they form a plan on how to win back the daylighter.
Jace was being an asshole.
Granted he normally was a bit of a dick, especially to Simon but this was taking it to a whole new level. Jace had stupidly assumed it would be easy to put some space between him and Simon but he had known the minute that Simon had walked into the training room with coffee from Jace’s favorite place two blocks in the opposite direction of the institute from Simon’s apartment and a rambling apology that it wouldn’t be easy at all. He had accepted the apology even though he was still bitter and angry over it all, just to avoid the sad puppy dog look Simon was giving him and had quickly made his escape, thankful that Simon was still trying to placate him and let him go without more than a promise to train the next day and a quick pat on the shoulder for good measure. Jace had then gone back to the safety of his room, locking the door behind him and sunk down to the floor, burying his head in his hands.
Simon had been all Jace could think of the night before when he got back from the Hunters Moon, his dreams filled with speculation of what the vampire was doing and half formed fantasies of being the one to do them to him only to have it all disappear in a puff of smoke and Simon’s mocking laughter ringing in his ears as the vampire taunted him for ever thinking Simon would want someone like him. He had screamed and raged as he was forced to watch Simon with that smug blonde seelie, Simon laughing the whole time and telling Jace every reason why he would never be good enough for Simon, how he would never be wanted or loved by him.
He hadn’t been surprised when he woke up and found Alec waiting for him.
There had been no point trying to hide anything, not when Jace had been too emotionally drained to even attempt to block the bond they shared. So instead they had gone down to train and Jace had told him about the night before and what band practice had actually meant. He hadn’t kept his anger in check, nor his pain and Alec had just taken it, meeting him blow for blow and allowing Jace to work out his aggression whilst listening to him grit out nonsense about how he didn’t care and if Simon wanted to sleep with half the down world than that was his choice, it meant nothing to Jace. Alec had unhelpful pointed out that if Jace didn’t care that Simon was sleeping around then why was he so angry about it. Jace had promptly knocked him on his ass and told him to shut up.
Jace hadn’t expected to see Simon so soon, had even forgotten about the plans they had made to have lunch together. He had wanted to run as soon as he had noticed the other man stood in the doorway, had wanted to put as much distance between himself and Simon as he could but the fact that Simon had shown up, had come back to Jace had his chest tightening and his heart thumping rapidly against his ribs. He was the one Simon always came back to, the one who got to actually know the person Simon was when all the others just got left behind, nothing more than a quick fuck. He hated how he thought that might have been enough, that as long as Simon always came back to him then he could look past the late nights and the trail of people he left behind him. It was stupid and Jace just wanted it to stop. They weren’t even dating and here Jace was acting like some tragic love struck wife, willing to put up with a cheating spouse because they loved them so much. Not that Jace loved Simon. He couldn’t love him because that would just make everything so much worse.
Huddled against his door Jace had promised himself to put some distance between himself and the vampire. He would cut back on the flirting, would treat Simon somewhere between how he treated Alec and Maia. There would have to be less touching as well, that was a definite. He didn’t think he could stomach putting his hands on Simon only to remember that someone else’s had probably already been there only under his clothes and drawing the sweetest sounds out of him. No it was better for him to just move on, do exactly what he had said he was going to do and put his idiotic little infatuation for Simon to rest.
Jace hadn’t counted on Simon being the one to make doing that so difficult.
Simon was clearly trying to carry on as if nothing had changed and Jace supposed to him nothing had apart from the fact Jace now knew where he was going when he disappeared for the night. To Jace though everything had changed and now he was acutely aware of every moment Simon wasn’t there and no matter how much he tried he couldn’t help but think of what Simon was doing and who he was with. It was driving Jace crazy and despite his efforts to try and act like it wasn’t bothering him Jace was falling miserably.
He knew he was hurting Simon, could see the flash of it in his eyes every time he went to touch him only to snatch his hand back but Jace couldn’t keep up with the way they had been, not now he knew how far out of his reach Simon actually was. The brunette just wouldn’t stop though and as the weeks passed Jace found his annoyance turning bitter and ugly whenever faced with Simon’s nocturnal activities. He took a twisted sense of pleasure in seeing the flash of hurt in Simon’s eyes whenever Jace made a jab about band practice. It was childish but he wanted Simon to feel just a little of the pain Jace did. He always regretted it after but he was the kind of stubborn that had him refusing to take any of it back.
It helped put distance between them though and it was so much easier to get Simon to be the one to walk away from him then do it himself. Jace could see that Simon wanted to reach out for him, could hear the slight hesitation in his voice as he second guesses what he would say to Jace. It’s easy to make Simon give him space after a while because despite everything the man is just so good and even though he is clearly confused by what’s happening he tries to give Jace what he wants and somehow that hurts more because Jace doesn’t want that distance at all but he knows he needs it if he has any hope of salvaging a functioning friendship with the vampire.
He misses Simon though, wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around the other man and apologize for his behavior and ask him to say. To stay with Jace, to not go to the next seelie, vampire, werewolf or bloody warlock that catches his eye. He wanted to pin Simon down and promise that he was good enough, that he would be enough for Simon if just given the chance to prove it but Simon had made it clear that Jace wasn’t what he wanted though and he refused to be as weak and as pathetic to actually beg Simon for something he knew he wouldn’t get.
So Jace continued on, keeping his hands to himself apart from when they spared and even then it wasn’t for as long and Jace made sure to be as professional as he could, treating Simon as he would any other novice. For the most part Jace remained friendly, not wanting to drive Simon away entirely but it seemed he had misjudged what Simon would be willing to put up with.
Jace had been fine, if not a little tense when he had joined Izzy and Simon in the ops center but he had been ever hopeful that with Izzy there as a buffer they would be able to function without any issues. He had been wrong. Simon had had a couple of flings in the weeks after Jace had caught him with the seelie’s, Jace knew that thanks to Maia’s ability to gossip but hearing that he was arranging hook-ups at the institute, somewhere where Jace had almost felt safe considering that Simon had never slept with another shadowhunter, had left him feeling like he had just been stabbed in the chest and something in Jace had snapped.
He could live with Simon finding companionship with his own kind and other downworlders but the thought of him with other shadowhunters left Jace feeling sick. He wouldn’t be able to stomach it, seeing Simon slipping from the rooms of people he worked with every day. Wouldn’t be able to stand listening to them talk about what the vampire was like in bed and comparing notes. And if anyone was stupid enough to ask him to introduce them to Simon Jace wouldn’t hesitate to hit them.
A coldness had seeped into him, leaving Jace feeling like he had been stood out in the snow for hour without a heating rune to keep him warm. He had plastered on a smile though and laughed it off, keeping his eyes fixed on the tablet he was clutching. Simon wouldn’t let it go though, rambling on about wanting to spend time with Jace and the numbness had steadily given way to anger. He didn’t want Simon’s pity, didn’t need the man to act like Jace meant anything of any real importance to him. Jace had denied him, refusing to look up so he wouldn’t have to see Simon’s relief at having been freed of any perceived obligation he had with Jace.
Simon had just kept pushing though, demanding Jace look at him and Jace had lashed out, not bothering to hide how angry and hurt he was by Simon’s actions. He hadn’t been prepared to watch every ounce of fight drain from the brunette, to see him shrink in on himself and recoil from Jace like he had hit him. He got to see something in Simon bend and give way and it wasn’t till later that Jace realized that it was whatever Simon had felt for Jace that had snapped under his own petty jealousy and spiteful anger.
Izzy had yelled at him a lot after Simon had left, tearing into Jace about the way he was treating Simon and calling him out for letting his jealousy pull apart the relationship they actually had. It had been harsh, Izzy not holding anything back but Jace had been just as angry, arguing back and trying not to think about the look on Simon’s face as he walked away from Jace. He hadn’t stuck around, disappearing out onto the streets, invisibility rune activated and looking for a fight. He hadn’t found one so instead Jace had wandered the city for hours, stewing in his anger until it had fizzled out and he was forced to face the reality of his actions.
He knew he was the one at fault this time but his pride made it impossible for him to be the one to admit that to anyone else. Instead he had promised himself to try harder when Simon inevitably came back around. He was too nice for his own good and Jace knew that he wouldn’t give up on the friendship they had built just because Jace was failing to keep his emotions in check. It would be hard but Jace didn’t want to lose Simon and that meant he would have to accept the fact that at some point he was going to be part of a conversation about Simon’s band practice. He would just have to get better at hiding how much he hated what Simon was doing. He would still keep the flirting and touching to a minimum because Jace couldn’t carry on like that if he wanted to stay sane but he would do better at keeping his biting comments to himself. Simon deserved better from him and Jace planned on working on that the moment Simon came back, stubbornly refusing to give up like always.
Except Simon didn’t come back.
The first two days Jace brushed his absence off, convincing himself that Simon was still angry with him and needed some space to work through it. That was fine, Jace could understand that because he had been an asshole and if Jace was Simon he wouldn’t want to be around him at the moment either. The third day Jace was on edge, constantly hovering around the ops center and looking at the door hopefully every time it opened only to be disappointed when he didn’t see Simon’s unruly mop of dark hair come through it. The fourth day when Simon had failed to turn up for their planned training session Jace had caved and called the other man, genuinely worried about him. The phone had rung and rung, Jace’s concern growing with every second it went unanswered until it finally went to voicemail.
Jace had been half way out the institute when his phone had gone off and he had quickly yanked it out of his pocket. It had been a simple text, the shortest one he had probably ever gotten from Simon. ‘Sorry, can’t make it. Busy’. Jace had stood there staring down at his phone and those simple words until the screen went black and even then he still stared down at it, not really believing what he had seen.
Busy. Simon was busy, too busy to spare the hour or so they spent sparing every couple of days. Normally there would be a small essay explaining why Simon wouldn’t be able to make it but not this time and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what the other man meant by busy. That hurt more than Jace had thought it would, the realization that he was being cast aside in favor of one of Simon’s little groupies. He knew it would happen eventually, knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold Simon’s attention forever and especially not with how he had been acting but he hadn’t been prepared for the almost crippling wave of rejection that had slammed into him.
Sucking in a deep breath he had stumbled back, the wall the only thing keeping him upright as his body shook and his eyes began to sting. He had thought it couldn’t hurt any worse than seeing Simon all over the two seelie’s but he had been wrong because it felt like his heart was being split apart, like it was glass, cracking in his hands and the shards digging into his lungs. He felt unwanted, abandoned, cast aside like a broken toy. Jace knew he wasn’t good enough, had known that he had been lucky for the time he had gotten to spend basking in Simon’s goodness. He was broken, damaged beyond repair and he had been delusional to think that anyone would stick around, even as just a friend. He was toxic, a master in self sabotage who always ruined the good things in his life. Simon was right to run whilst he could before Jace poisoned him and snuffed out his light.
With shaky hands he managed to open his phone, sending a simple ‘ok’ back. He didn’t get a reply, hadn’t thought he would, not if Simon was otherwise engaged. Jace had taken a deep breath, eyes screwed shut as he clawed back control over himself, shoving everything else he was feeling down into a little box that he buried even deeper inside of him. He didn’t want to feel it, any of it and he refused to be as weak and pathetic as to let it ruin him. He stayed there for a few moments, just leant against the wall and breathing steadily and when he opened his eyes Jace felt calmer even as an emptiness settled over him. He carried on with his day like nothing had happened, didn’t let his mind wander to tussled brown hair, bright eyes and wide smiles. Jace just existed and when the day drew to a close and he collapsed down into his bed it was no one’s business but his own if he finally let the tears fall and let the feeling of not being good enough swallow him whole.
That had been two weeks ago and Jace hadn’t heard from or seen Simon since.
The next couple of weeks had been difficult, Jace swinging between being angry and hostile to sad and mopey. Everyone was on edge around him, not sure how he would react and it was making the institute tense and uncomfortable. No one wanted to be around him and that was fine with Jace, he didn’t want to be around people either. Having other people there just made it more glaringly obvious that there was a Simon shaped hole in his life that wouldn’t seem to go away.
Izzy was running out of patience with him, demanding he fix ‘it’ before she had to reprimand him for his behavior. The thing was though that Jace didn’t know how to fix it and he wasn’t too sure he even wanted to. Maybe it was all for the best. His and Simon’s friendship had been built on rocky foundations, the loss of Clary drawing them together. Simon had loved Clary just as much as Jace had if differently and he had understood what Jace had been going through when the dust had settled and Clary had been gone.
By all accounts they shouldn’t have worked together, they had little to nothing in common and yet they had still managed to spend hours almost every day together without it being an issue. Developing any sort of attraction to Simon had probably only been because of the closeness and how broken and venerable Jace had been. Really he was surprised it hadn’t all blown up before now. Maybe Simon finally realizing that Jace wasn’t worth the time and effort was just a long time coming and they could now both get on with their lives like they were supposed to. Simon could sleep his way through the down world and Jace could focus on being the best shadowhunter he could be like he was meant to.
“Stop it.” Jace slowly lifted his gaze up from where he had been staring unseeingly at the glass of wine he was holding until he was looking up at Alec. His parabatai has his usual glower in place, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned in the doorway. Jace doesn’t want to have the conversation Alec is angling for but he knows it’s inevitable. The only thing he can do is try and put it off, being stubborn and obtuse until Alec finally had enough of his bullshit and snapped at him. “Sorry Alec but I can’t help being this good looking. It’s a cures, truly,” Jace smirked, winking at the other man before taking a large gulp of his drink. Wine wasn’t his normal go to drink, especially white wine but Magnus had insisted it was the only thing acceptable to have with dinner and Jace knew better then to argue with the warlock when it came to things like this.
Alec huffed, rolling his eyes at Jace before pushing off the doorframe and walking back over to the table. “Please, the only thing you’re cursed with is having an ego the size of Idris.” He sank into the seat opposite, picking up his own glass as he did. He looked relaxed, one arm flung over the back of the empty chair next to him and the top couple of buttons on his forest green shirt left open. Magnus had been good for the other man and Jace knew he was happy here, could feel it through their bond. He was happy for Alec, he had been through so much and they deserved this but a part of Jace couldn’t help but twist with envy every time he saw the happy couple together.
He wanted what they had, wanted to feel loved and happy, like the other person completed him, made him whole. He had thought for a while that he would get that with Clary, the two of them so in tune with the other it was like they had been made for one another and he supposed in a way they had been but it wasn’t meant to be. She was off living a happy life in blissful ignorance and Jace had been left behind with a gaping hole in his heart where Clary had once been. A hole that had been healing but had only gotten bigger since Simon had left.
The thought of Simon had Jace’s heart aching, his hand clenching on the table to stop himself from reaching out and rubbing at his chest. Alec sighed, Jace pointedly ignoring him as he took another drink. The wine wasn’t that strong and Jace desperately wished it was whiskey instead. He didn’t want to have this conversation but he was going to have to and that would go a lot better if he was drunk enough that come the morning he wouldn’t be able to remember it. If he asked for anything stronger though he would get a hard no from Alec and Magnus was wrapped so tightly wrapped around his husband’s finger that he would just give Jace an apologetic smile and pour him a slightly larger glass of wine.
“Still nothing?” Jace’s hand tightened on the glass and he took his time answering, moving slowly as he placed the glass down as delicately as he could, Magnus already having threatened to end his existence if he broke another one. “No.” He hadn’t seen or heard from Simon in weeks, Jace’s life seeming cold and empty without the over energetic and ever optimistic vampire around. Cold, empty and alone. That was his general feelings these days with bouts of anger thrown in just for good measure. It was stupid. One person shouldn’t affect him so much but Simon had wormed his way into Jace’s life, carved out a home for himself in Jace’s chest and he hadn’t even noticed until he crawled back out and left a gaping hole behind.
“We’ll have you actually tried calling him this time or are you still stuck on the whole stubborn woe is me drivel.” Jace scowled at Magnus as he breezed into the room, wine glass in hand and the other waving around, his rings glinting in the light. “I’ll take your sullen silence as a resounding no then,” Magnus said knowingly, slipping into the chair next to Alec and looking pointedly at Jace over the rim of his glass. Jace stayed stubbornly quiet, looking away from the happy couple and downing the last of his wine.
Jace hadn’t called Simon. He had found himself time and time again staring down at the other man’s contact, thumb hovering over the call button. He had wanted to, wanted to press his thumb down and listen to the phone ring and ring until Simon picked up and Jace got to hear that stupidly cheerful voice say his name once more. He hadn’t been able to do it though, the look on Simon’s face when Jace said they didn’t need him, that Jace didn’t need him, kept him from pressing down on the call button. That and the thought of the phone just ringing and ringing, Simon not answering or ever calling back and leaving Jace with no doubt that Simon was done with him. So no, Jace hadn’t called despite wanting to and he wouldn’t. Simon was the one who walked away, who decided that Jace wasn’t worth it and Jace wouldn’t chase after him, not when Simon didn’t want him. He had that much dignity left.
“Jace,” Alec chastised him using that same tone a parent might use to tell off a child they suspected of doing something they couldn’t comprehend was wrong. Jace hated it. “Alec,” he said back, a warning to his tone but all it got him was Alec narrowing his eyes and scowling at him. “How do you expect to fix anything if you won’t even talk to him?” Jace’s hand tightened around the stem of his glass, glaring back at Alec. Jace wasn’t good at this sort of thing and his parabatai knew that. He wouldn’t even know where to start and even if he did the problem would still be there. Jace was jealous and possessive and he craved the attention of a man that wouldn’t look at him twice, a man who took one lover after another and left Jace feeling inadequate. He didn’t like the feeling.
“Who said I wanted to fix anything?” Alec arched an eyebrow, the two of them trying to will the other to back down but they were both as stubborn as the other and Jace doubted either of them would be willing to give any leeway with the issue. “Oh I don’t know, maybe because since your little lovers spat at the institute you have been an insufferable, moody bitch whose acting like he got dumped by his high school sweet heart.” Jace turned his glare to Magnus, the warlock shrugging as he leant back into Alec’s side. “Simon didn’t dump me,” Jace snarled, leaning forward to snatch the bottle of wine up off the table and refilled his glass, though the temptation to just drink straight from the bottle was there.
“Oh, so you are lovers then.” Jace choked on his drink, glaring at the warlock as he sipped at his own drink, smirking over the rim of the glass. “We aren’t lovers,” he spat the last word out, that bitter taste back in his mouth. He and Simon hadn’t be and never would be lovers. They were friends, nothing more, nothing less except Jace was pretty sure they were less now. Less than they had even been back at the beginning and that was something. “But you want to be.” Jace was going to hit Magnus if he didn’t shut up. He didn’t care if he was Alec’s husband and it would upset him, it would make Jace feel better.
“Magnus,” Alec sighed, turning to look disapprovingly at the other man. “Fine,” he huffed, rolling his eyes and Jace felt a little of the tension ease from his shoulders. “I’m just trying to understand why Simon having a healthy sexual appetite for a vampire his age would be such an issue. Your actions seem to stem more from jealousy then any issue with the act itself so I can only summarize it’s the fact Simon is having sex with everyone but you that is the real issue here.” Magnus looked at Jace directly, uncaring of the way Jace’s jaw had clenched and he was looking at Magnus like he wanted to kill him.
Was he really that easy to read?
Jace had been trying to keep it all hidden away, hadn’t wanted anyone to know but he supposed he hadn’t done that good a job with it considering how he had been acting. What if Simon had known? What if that was why he had left, because he couldn’t take Jace acting like he had any right to feel jealous and possessive over him? The thought made him feel sick. He had wanted to spare Simon the awkwardness of having to deal with Jace’s infatuation and he thought he had but if Magnus could just pluck apart his defensives like that and know what Jace was feeling then who could say if Simon knew or not. Maybe that was why he had left, he was so disgusted with the thought of him and Jace together that he took the opportunity given to him and ran. What if he had fucked up more than he thought he had and there really was nothing left for him and Simon to salvage.
“Don’t look so worried. I’ve been alive long enough to recognize the look, that’s all. I’m sure Simon is completely unaware of how you feel about him.” Jace grunted at Magnus’s patronizing tone, knocking back half his glass in an attempt to keep himself from fidgeting. “Simon’s a good enough guy and if he knew about-” Alec gestured to Jace, the action scarily similar to Magnus, “he would have tried to talk to you about it, even if it would have been to let you down. The guy can’t shut up and there is no way he would have been able to stop himself from rambling on about that.” Jace had to admit that Alec had a point there. Simon was all about feeling and over sharing and if there had been even an inkling of Jace liking him more than a friend then Simon wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from trying to talk to him about it. Luckily he hadn’t or Jace might have ended up punching him to get him to shut up. Fuck this conversation was getting to serious for him and if he didn’t think Alec would bitch like crazy Jace would have tried to make a run for it by now.
Magnus waved his hand, all three of their wine glasses full again and Jace would thank him but he didn’t think it was necessarily a good thing he was being given more alcohol. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that would be the end of the conversation, not when Alec had been drafted in by Izzy to help fix things. The night was going to be long and full of awkward conversations and truths he didn’t want to acknowledge. If he was lucky though Magnus would keep the wine flowing and Jace could get drunk enough to not care about what came out of his mouth.
The warlock leant back in his chair again, Alec’s arm falling to drape across his shoulders and when Magnus spoke his voice was level and confident, spoken like a man who had lived long enough to know these kind of things. “Vampires crave life Jace, it’s in their nature and apart from drinking blood straight from a living body sex is the next best thing. He is young, full of reckless abandon and an all-consuming hunger. He is giving in to instincts that he probably doesn’t even realise he has, trying to fill the void of his hunger with something just as pleasurable.” Jace paid the slightly nauseated look on Alec’s face hardly any attention, instead letting Magnus’s words sink in, turning them over in his head as he sipped at his wine.
He had never thought of it like that before, that Simon was still a young vampire struggling with his hunger and looking to distract himself from it by satisfying it another way. Simon seemed to have such control over his hunger these days, not even flinching when someone got to close and he got a face full of exposed neck or vulnerable wrist. It would explain his sudden shift in behavior, why he had started acting like Jace pre Clary but that didn’t change the fact that Simon had never come to him for help filling that void his hunger left behind. Jace had an abundance of experience and he knew for a fact he would have been able to keep Simon satisfied, even more so with the use of certain runes. But Simon hadn’t asked because despite everyone else seemingly being Simon’s type Jace was apparently the exception to that rule.
“Simon’s…appetite is to be expected, it’s nothing personal.” Alec shifted in his seat, looking just as uncomfortable as Jace felt with the whole conversation. Good. At least Jace wasn’t the only one suffering. “Feels personal,” Jace grumbled. How could it not be personal? Simon had literally gone out of his way to keep what he was doing a secret from Jace. If it was some weird vampire thing, if he had been struggling with his hunger then why wouldn’t he have told Jace about it? They told each other everything, well apart from the obvious, so why wouldn’t he talk to Jace about this? No, the only logical reason was because Simon didn’t want Jace involved in that aspect of his life so he had kept him out of it until Jace had stumbled blindly into it by accident.
Magnus gave him an understanding smile, placing his glass down on the table as he leant forward. His hand slid over Jace’s clenched one, his skin soft and warm as he squeezed gently. The touch was unexpected and Jace had to fight the desire to snatch his hand back, not so used to the casual touches from anyone else other than his family and Simon. “That’s because you love him,” Magnus said softly, like it was fact and not just his opinion based off to many romance novels in Jace’s opinion.
He snatched his hand back, placing it on his thigh under the table. “I don’t love Simon,” Jace said automatically, so used to denying it that he just said it without even thinking now. The words left a sour taste in his mouth, like he had been sucking on a lemon and Jace didn’t want to even begging to unpack why that was. “Oh?” Magnus arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him as he sat back, taking his wine glass up once more. “Do you normally go around sulking for weeks on end when a ‘friend’ starts sleeping with other people?” Jace glared at Magnus, refusing to answer and instead downing the last of his drink. What was with everyone? All of them seemingly stuck on the fact that Jace felt anything other than friendship and lust for the vampire. He didn’t love Simon, he wouldn’t allow it and all this constant insistence that he did was just pissing him off. Jace knew how he felt, they were his feelings after all and he didn’t need them to start poking around to try and shake something lose that he wanted firmly kept in place and hidden away.
“Magnus is right Jace.” His eyes darted over to Alec, taking in the serious and somber look he was wearing. It wasn’t much different to normal but there was something else there in his eyes that left Jace feeling trapped, unable to look away or escape the inevitability of what was to come. “You know he is and no amount of denial will change how you feel. I’m your parabatai Jace, I know how you feel around him.” Alec’s voice is soft and level as he talks, as if he isn’t ripping down the walls that Jace had built up around him to protect himself from any more loss and heartbreak. A lot of good they had done him, Simon somehow managing to slip in between the cracks. That was Simon though, he worked his way into everyone’s good graces by being a loveable idiot. Even Alec liked him and considering Alec liked no one that was a rather impressive feat. “The sooner you admit it to yourself the sooner you can start dealing with all this properly.”
He doesn’t want to admit it, doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he had fallen so quickly into the orbit of another after Clary. Loosing Clary had been devastating, had left Jace feeling like his whole world had crumbled into dust but it was so much worse with Simon because when Clary had gone Jace had had the vampire to cling on to, to tell all his fears and nightmares to but now Simon was gone too and Jace was alone again. Alone and desperately trying not to look any deeper into how he had been acting both before and after finding out about band practice.
Jace hadn’t really had friends outside of Alec and Izzy but even he had known that what he and Simon had been doing had breezed right past being friends and into something dangerously close to a relationship. He had ignored it all though. Ignored the late nights just in the other’s company and crashing at Simon’s apartment, didn’t think too hard about the fact that it happened so much that Jace had spare clothes there and a blade or two hidden around the place for emergencies. He ignored the not dates to the movies or the comic shop or the Hunters Moon or the restaurants Simon insisted Jace had to try. He didn’t stop to consider what it meant when Simon was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and the last thing he thought of before sleep took him. Jace refused to look too deeply at what he had been doing because then he would have to admit that there was something else there, beneath the friendship and the desire he felt for the other man. He didn’t think that he loved Simon, not yet anyway but there was something there, growing in his chest with every moment they spent together. No he didn’t love Simon but he wasn’t far off and that terrified him.
“Fuck,” he groaned, head tipping forward and burying his face in his hands. He didn’t want to like Simon, didn’t want to imagine them together just as they had been but with kisses and hand holding and bloody cuddling. No he didn’t want it, not ever and especially not now considering how much he had fucked things up already. He didn’t need to be having a crisis of feelings right now and he hated that it had been forced on him. He would have been fine ignoring it all until it went away on its own or he died, whichever one came first.
“You should tell him.” Jace’s head snapped up at Alec’s declaration, hands falling away as he looked at the other man with wide and disbelieving eyes. “What? Why?” Jace snapped but before Alec could give an explanation to his madness Jace was talking again, “you know what, no. That’s a terrible idea.” He snatched up his empty wine glass, holding it out towards Magnus expectantly as he tried to shove the panic he was feeling down.
Magnus huffed, rolling his eyes as he waved his hand and Jace’s glass filled up on its own. He promptly drank half of it, ignoring Alec’s glare whilst also welcoming the gentle buzz he was starting to get, the alcohol finally starting to take effect even if it did taste sort how he thought electricity would taste like. “Alexander has a point. You have been moping around like some love struck fool for months now, convincing yourself that Simon could never return any feelings towards you other than friendship without ever actually bothering to find out if that’s true or not.” Alec gives him a smug look over the rim of his glass and Jace didn’t even hesitate to kick out at the other man’s leg, causing him to jerk and his drink to slosh over the edge of his glass. He glared at Jace as he put his glass down, grabbing a napkin to wipe at his hand and Jace just glares right back because Magnus is right and Jace can’t stand it.
No he had never said anything to Simon but he never thought he had to. He had been so sure that Simon wasn’t interested in him, that he was only into girls and anyway, outside of the playful flirting Simon had never acted like he wanted that kind of thing from Jace. They were friends and Simon said it often enough that Jace just knew that was all they would ever be. He didn’t need to tell Simon that he wanted more when he already knew the answer would be no. But he was buzzed enough that he couldn’t help but entertain the thought of confessing all his sins to the vampire only for Simon to do the same and welcome him with open arms and breath stealing kisses. “Fine,” he hissed, “and how do you suggest I go about telling Simon when he has been avoiding me like I’ve got demon pox?”
Alec and Magnus glance at each other, sharing a thoughtful look before turning their attention back to Jace. It’s creepy how in sync they are and Jace files that away for latter, either to mock Alec with or to gossip with Izzy about. He isn’t sure what one yet but he knows he will get some amusement out of both those outcomes. “The cabinet party on Friday. As the vampire representative to the clave he has to be there,” Magnus answered and Alec nodded his head in agreement. “It’s perfect. There will be to many people there for him to make a scene and embarrass himself more than normal so you should be fine to pull him aside and apologies for being an ass before asking him out on a date.” Alec rattled off before lifting his glass and taking a sip of his drink like that answered every question Jace could possibly have.
The cabinet party was to celebrate the success of the roll out of the downworlder council across the shadow world and would be attended by shadowhunters and downworlders alike for all corners of the world. Izzy and Magnus had been planning it for months now and lucky enough they had arranged to hold it at the institute as that had been where Alec had started it all. He had been planning on staying on duty, not wanting to be faced with the possibility of seeing Simon actually hitting on someone but Jace had to admit they had a point. Simon was in a rather high up position and it would make the whole alliance thing look bad if he and Jace started arguing in the middle of the party. Simon would have no choice but to act like nothing had gone wrong between them and if he was lucky enough he would stick around long enough for Jace to offer up an explanation as to why he had been acting like the world’s biggest asshole for the past month.
“That easy huh?” Jace didn’t think it would be, nothing involving him and Simon had ever been easy and he didn’t expect it to be any different now. Alec shrugged, Magnus offering him a small reassuring smile and Jace wanted to believe them but he couldn’t. They seemed to be ignoring one glaringly obvious thing that Jace just couldn’t move past because it seemed like the most likely outcome. “And what if he says no, what then?” Jace asked quietly, looking down at his half empty glass like it held all the answers he was seeking. Jace had never been good with rejection, always striving to be what everyone else wanted him to be in an attempt to keep them happy and there. Simon had never wanted that from him though, had accepted him as he was, flaws and all and the thought of Simon looking at him and clearly stating that Jace wasn’t good enough had his free hand trembling and his heart splintering in his chest. He couldn’t even begging to imagine how it would feel if Simon actually turned him down, even if he did want to stay friends.
“Well he’s leaving on Saturday so that gives both of you some time apart to work through your feelings and maybe be able to salvage a friendship out of all this drama you two seem to be breading,” Magnus stats, waving his hand around as he spoke and completely unaware of Alec going ridged next to him. Jace looked up slowly, his breath catching in his throat and heart stuttering in his chest. No, he couldn’t have heard that right. “Leaving. What do you mean Simon’s leaving?” Jace hissed, abandoning his drink to lean forward and stare at Magnus expectantly, waiting for the warlock to tell him he had misheard and Simon wasn’t going anywhere.
Shock and confusion passed through Magnus’s eyes but something about it didn’t look quite right, a glint of something in his eyes that shouldn’t be there. He slowly turned to look at Alec who was wincing like he was in pain. “You hadn’t told him.” It’s not a question, just Magnus stating a fact and Jace wants to demand to know what he hadn’t been told and why they were keeping things from him in the first place but before he can get the words out Alec is turning to look at Magnus with narrowed eyes and biting out an angry “no.” Magnus has the decency to look slightly apologetic but again it doesn’t quite sit right, like he is sorry but not for what he is actually apologizing for. “Oh. I’ll just go get another bottle of wine.” Magnus is up and out of his chair before Jace can demand to know what’s going on, disappearing through the door and out of sight almost as quickly as a vampire would.
Jace instantly turns his attention onto Alec. He knows something, something he had purposely kept from Jace and he wants to know what. “Alec what does he mean Simon’s leaving?” The desperation in Jace’s voice was undeniable, his voice cracking slightly on the last word. Alec sighed, rubbing at his eyes and wincing. Letting his hand fall Alec sat up straighter, taking his arm off the back of Magnus’s chair and lacing his fingers together on the table in front of him. He was wearing the same look he got at work, when he had to deliver news of a hunt gone wrong or give out orders he didn’t agree with. It didn’t fill Jace with confidence and before he even started to speak Jace felt his stomach drop and his guts twist painfully. “The London institute is having some issues with the vampire clans and has asked for a mediator. As Simon is the vampire representative it is his job to deal with these sorts of things.”
The air rushes out of him in one go, Jace deflating at the news and slumping back into his chair. Realistically he knew that Simon wouldn’t stay in New York forever, had known that at some point the vampire would go off and explore what the rest of the world had to offer but for some reason he had never been able to imagine that happening whilst he and the others were still alive. He hadn’t even taken into account that Simon would have to go to other clans to do his job. Simon was a constant in Jace’s life, even when he was angry at Jace and avoiding him at all costs he knew that Simon was there, just within reach but if he went to London than that wouldn’t be true anymore. Good, loyal and reliable Simon would be gone, missing from Jace’s life.
“For how long,” he manages to grit out. It seems like an import thing to know, to establish how long his life will truly be void of Simon. Alec looks tired, like he would rather be anywhere else and Jace can’t blame him for that. He must be able to feel Jace falling apart, little by little and by no means is it a good feeling. “Honestly?” He asks, looking at Jace pointedly and he nods. Alec lying to save his feelings would only make things worse in the long run when Simon didn’t come back when Jace expected him to and he started to panic. “I don’t know. From what the head of the institute there said it could be simply rectified in a day or two or the heads of the clans could dig their heels in and it could take weeks to sort anything out.”
Weeks wasn’t that long. Jace had already gone weeks without seeing or talking to Simon. This will be no different but something about it seemed final, like if Jace let Simon leave without at least attempting to rebuild their friendship then he wouldn’t get the chance to do so again. “Right,” he mumbled, looking down at his hands that lay flat on the table. “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you but honestly I thought you two would have sorted this out by now and I wouldn’t have to.” Alec sound sincere and Jace could feel the slight tinge of guilt through their bond.
As his parabatai, yes Alec should have told him but Jace also knew that in a work capacity it had nothing to do with him. Alec had no obligation to inform a random shadowhunter that a vampire representative was being sent to another institute. A month ago Simon would have been the one to tell him, would have come to Jace before anyone else all excited and practically vibrating with it. He would have been happy for Simon, would have listened to his fears and hopefully eased them. Jace would have missed Simon whilst he was gone but he also would have known that Simon would text him constantly and call him at least once a day. A month ago Jace would have been fine with Simon going off to London but a lot had changed in four weeks and now it felt like the vampire was leaving him behind, trying to get as far away from Jace as he could.
A hand slipped into his view, Alec curling his larger hand around Jace’s and squeezing at his clenched fist. Jace slowly turned his hand over, curling his fingers around Alec’s wrist and the other man did the same, the rough pad of his thumb brushing gently across the faded mark of Jace’s strength rune. The action was calming, Jace feeling some of his chaotic emotions mellow out slightly. He was over reacting, just because Simon was leaving for a week or two didn’t mean he was leaving for good. He never had been good at dealing with his emotions though and everything he felt for Simon was just so complicated and messy and Jace still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to face this head on or burry it all again but Jace wasn’t a coward and Alec and Magnus had been right. He had convinced himself that Simon couldn’t feel anything for him other than friendship without even finding out if that was true and he needed to rectify that if he wanted to be able to move on.
“Jace,” Alec called his name and Jace looked up from their joined hands, humming softly. Alec was already looking at him, not quite smiling but not scowling either. He looked slightly apologetic but determined and Jace knew that whatever he was going to say next was a truth that he thought Jace didn’t want to hear but thought he had to and he was most likely right. Jace didn’t like facing his feelings and he didn’t think this would be any different. “If you truly want to fix things with Simon then you are going to have to take responsibility for your actions,” he started cautiously, eyeing Jace wearily but when all he did was sigh and nod Alec continued, more confident now that he knew Jace wasn’t about to get angry with him. “He’s a good guy, if not a little idiotic but you know as well as I do that he wouldn’t intentionally set out to hurt anyone and especially not the people he cares about and he dose care about you Jace, even if its not in the way you want him to. Talk to him, actually listen to what he has to say instead of letting your jealousy and anger get the better of you. Sure maybe he won’t return your feelings but maybe he will and surly knowing either way is better than lying to yourself and driving the people you care about away.”
Jace drops his gaze back down to where they were holding each other’s wrists, his own thumb having started to rub small circles into the pale skin of Alec’s wrist. Talking wasn’t his strong suit, not proper talking anyway, about feelings and being all serious. He was charm and snark and brushing things off so he didn’t have to deal with them. Just like a lot of things tonight Alec was right, Jace needed to know and he did want to fix the mess that his relationship with Simon had become. By the angel Alec was going to be insufferable now. Jace flipped his fringe back, smiling tiredly as he looked up at Alec. “When did you get so smart?” Alec laughed, a smile spreading across his lips and his dark eyes almost seeming to light up. “Being with Magnus has taught me a lot of things, especially how to be honest with myself about my feelings.”
As if summoned by the mention of his name Magnus appeared in the doorway, a bottles of wine clasped tightly in one hand and a corkscrew in the other. He looks down at their clasped hands before darting his gaze up to Alec. “All good?” he asked looking between the two of them. Jace squeezed at Alec’s wrist smiling at his parabatai before looking up at the warlock. “Yeah we’re good.” The slightly guarded look vanishes instantly and Magnus practically beams at them. “Excellent,” he swaggers into the room, slipping into the chair next to Alec effortlessly. “Now how about we draw you up a battle plan for Friday hum?” He uncorks the bottle with a flourish and a pop, looking excitedly between the two of them as he refills their glasses.
He and Alec let go of each other at the same time, Jace relaxing back into his chair and Alec once again draping his arm across Magnus’s shoulders, smiling softly at his husband. Jace is terrified of what’s to come, of what Simon might say, if he will even give Jace the time to get his words out or be patient with him when he inevitably screws up his confession at some point and ends up accidentally insulting the other man but he knows that he has people there to help him pick up the pieces if everything goes wrong and celebrate alongside him if everything goes right. Still smiling he picks up his now full glass, “sounds good,” he says and it really does.
