ANXIETY, flipping the sirens on at 05:00 in the morning: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!
ME, groaning and rolling over: Homie, you just said there’s nothing I can do.
ANXIETY: … What.
ME: Man, we went over this yesterday morning. Unless fire is actively eating the roof, a tornado is actively eating the roof, an axe murderer picked the wrong room, Jesus is coming back Right This Second, or there is something I can do to solve the problem Right Now, IDGAF, and I’m going back to sleep.
ANXIETY: But –
ME:And,actually, if a tornado is eating the roof, it’s probably too late, so don’t wake me up then either. You pull this tomorrow, I’m ‘a take the fork on the nightstand from supper last night, which I was going to take to the carotid of the hypothetical axe-murderer, and shove it up your ass.
