#sccwriting

We come into our D/s relationships thinking they will mainly consist of just D/s aspects. Submitting to a partner, the physical play and the growth as a submissive. This isn’t all that can happen though. Through our D/s relationship we grow as a person too, not just as a submissive.

Looking back at the person I was in the early days of my relationship in comparison to how I am now I see many changes for the better. Some are changes that would have happened over the years naturally but many have come about as a direct result of having a Dominant learnt in my life who has helped support me and guide me in areas of my life I wanted to change. Maybe even some I didn’t know I wanted to change until they happened.

The changes are not down to him micromanaging me or ordering me around or dictating what I will or won’t do. They come from him listening to me, understanding me and wanting the best for me and letting me make those changes at a pace I am happy with. The respectful way he has treated me from day one helped me to see my own self-worth as both as submissive and a person.  He has never raised his voice to dominant me. He has never bullied me into obeying his orders or used emotional blackmail to get me to do what he wants. A dominant who feels those things are the way to control a submissive is missing the whole point. A submissive gives freely when they feel empowered by Dominant and know their Dominant respects all aspects of who they are and who they want to be.

It’s been one of those weeks where I sit staring at a blank screen with no thoughts coming to me. So I decided to wander around the internet looking for some inspiration. Finding an article explaining what sensual domination was at first though ‘Ah yes that’s what we do’ only to then think well no it isn’t as the list of activities are not how our play usually runs.  That’s when it hit me. Why am I even looking for a definition of what our D/s is? Our D/s has evolved over the years and with circumstances that we have found ourselves in or had to work with or around. 

Our D/s isn’t all about the play and when we do play it isn’t always impact play, or bondage, or any other specific  type of play. It is a mix of what Sir wants and what he finds I react best to at that given moment in time. Yes that changes and something he may do one day pushes all my buttons in the right way but the next can be a struggle for me to do or accept. Things going on in our vanilla lifes or with our health both physically and mental can affect our D/s life as well. 

As with many other aspects of BDSM we all like to use labels as a means of identifying who  we are and what we do within this dynamic. I use the label of submissive as a means to easily identify myself to others of the lifestyle but this label shouldn’t come with a specific set of traits that someone assumes are appropriate to me. They aren’t.  How submission or even Dominance is displayed is different for every person and their type of D/s relationship. That relationship may be a sensual dominance one or a service orientated one but that doesn’t mean there are a set list of activities that are followed with each separate  relationship type. You are allowed to mix it up and make your own definition of what your relationship is.

When you want to be in a relationship it can be hard finding the right partner. Even more so in D/s because we tend to limit our options to just those  into D/s as well. When it comes to looking for a relationship though are submissives not doing themselves any favours?

The desire for a Dominant/Master/play partner /significant D/s other can be an incredibly strong yearning. If you don’t have that D/s aspect in your life the overwhelming desire for it can  make some forget that although they are submissive that doesn’t mean they should be blind to all the things that happen in vanilla dating.

Submissives may like to think every Dominant can be clear in what they are saying and how they are acting as a dominant as having self control is an important aspect submissives look for. I may sound a bit harsh but there are jerks in all walks of life and D/s dating is no different. You have those that are only really looking for fantasy and when presented with an actually real life meeting can suddenly disappear. There are those who will give the submissive a huge amount of time and attention but never progress to anything more than that. Then you have those that say everything you want to hear as a submissive but forget to tell you they are also saying this to more submissives than just you.

It may sound like I am Dom bashing but in fact it is very much the opposite. Submissives have a duty to look after themselves. They may need to curb their desire to submit until they have seen actions from a Dominant showing they mean what they say.  Some submissives can  read a dominants actions as something they really aren’t. Listen to your inner voice if it is trying to tell you something isn’t right. Ignoring the warning signs just because you want a D/s relationship isn’t the way to find the relationship you are looking for. It leads to heart ache and time wasted that could have been spent with someone who really wants the same things as you.

A lot of submissives will crave being marked by their dominant. Some seek temporary markings and some seek more permanent markings. Why do we want these? Is it that the marks become a sign of submission for some? Is it because the slight ach every now and then from these marks serve as a reminder of how they were received? Is it because the marks please our dominant or is it because the submissive is just a masochist?

I am not so sure it is all about being a masochist. A submissive may be a masochist but there is more to the desire to be marked than that. Even submissives who are not masochists (yes there is such a thing) can crave the marks. It plays more into the psychology of submission than the physical. It isn’t always about the pain of receiving the marks, instead the marks pull on the psychological need to feel submissive and to feel owned.

Are submissives naturally needy people? I’ve seen some submissives describe themselves as needy and heard Dominants call some submissives needy.  I have even heard it used to describe me in the past. Is it that we are needy though, or more that we are wanting someone who matches our needs and desire within the realm of D/s?

I use to feel I was needy but no longer consider I am. Looking back the neediness was a desire to have D/s routines and structure in my life. Those who saw me as needy were seeing the mismatch in our desires and needs.  There is nothing wrong in this. We all want different things from our relationships and that includes our D/s relationships. Just because one is a Dominant and one is a submissive it doesn’t mean they are going to want the same things or have the desire for a relationship to be the same way as the other. We all make compromises in our relationships but perhaps when the desires and needs are more than one wants to compromise on then they can seem to be needy.

I often struggle with what to write in my blog and  the introduction of lockdown and social distancing hasn’t helped that as D/s life has slowed down considerably because of it. Our D/s isn’t just about the physical but not having the regular physical contact and play does have an impact. It also makes it very hard to come up with things to write about as I do feel distant from my submissive self at times at the moment. 

The thought of requesting a stop or at least a pause to writing this blog has crossed my mind because our D/s life has been impacted  by this pandemic. I know the answer would be no though as I have already hinted at the prospect, getting a negative response. 

This thought has been on my mind this week as well. What’s the point of writing a mainly D/s slanted blog when we are not really engaging as we did in our D/s life? I found myself answering my own question.  The writing of a weekly blog is a task set by Sir. It is an open task in terms of what I write about and how long the post is. In terms of our D/s life isn’t all about the physical. It is a power exchange, it is a mental D/s as much as a physical one. If it wasn’t I would have stopped writing this blog years ago. This blog isn’t about  Sir giving me a mindless task. It was and always has been a way I can express anything I want, my thoughts, my opinions and yes even my having a rant if I want. It is not censored or controlled by him in any way other than he expects it to be completed and posted every week. Even though we communicate every day this blog sometimes gives him insights into how I am feeling or what I am thinking and especially if they are things I am struggling to vocalise to him.

So over these however many weeks the Pandemic has been with us, I have been missing our physical play, and I still am, but I am trying to remind myself  that our D/s hasn’t completely stopped and the little things like this blog are all part of OUR bigger D/s picture. Even if there are times I really struggle to write it. No one said submitting to a Dominant would be easy with no challenges.

A D/s dynamic that includes power exchange where the dominant has the control over when and how you play doesn’t mean the dominant has to always be rigid in that control.  As submissives we are happiest when they do have that control. After all we wouldn’t have agreed to the power exchange  if we weren’t. While we dont expect  our dominants to ask us if we are ok to play, and you are not in the greatest mind set, just that simple question reminds you that your dominant isn’t just there for his own fun, but  has compassion and caring for his submissive as well.

Is it bad that when watching a cooking show which included the use of a branding iron on a piece of steak my mind wandered to it being applied to something other than a steak LOL

I fully believe communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy D/s relationship. I thought good communication  was enough but have come to accept that for me I need that communication backed up with action. I need to know that my Dominant wants me, that he owns me, that he gets pleasure from that ownership. I also admit I need to ‘feel’ these things from him. The sting of a whip wielded by his hand, a gentle soothing caress on the sting and those words ‘who owns you pixie’. It all comes together to make me feel wanted and his.

Many submissive are creatures of habit. Those of us who are, like our routine.  The routine of our submission and the trappings of it like tasks, play and our Dominants control all establish that routine. When that routine is disturbed we adjust, we cope (most of the time) and we get on with living life the best we can with the disruption.

The fact we are coping or appear to be doesn’t actually mean we are happy or we like and embrace the disruption. Even the brattiest, wild child submissive needs that routine.  When it’s gone we feel a bit in limbo and lost even while carrying on with everyday life.  

I for one will be happy when the disruption ends and I can have my routine back.

Unplanned play is always a wonder surprise but even more so when it’s been almost 4 months since we have been able to play. Our D/s  isn’t purely physical but I have come to realise that for me the physical play we enjoy is as important as the mental D/s. There is a form of release that comes with only the physical D/s but there is a lot more included in the mix as well. Having been with Sir for several years’ means I can be me. I can relax and I can allow all the aspects of me to come out knowing I am safe to do so and he won’t think the worse of me for it. I can be vulnerable, I can be strong, I can be needy, he accepts it all and then twists its back on me to use it for both our pleasure.   I have no idea when we get to play again but the intimacy we enjoyed and having him show me my submission to him is still there even when I am not sure it is has been exactly what I needed to calm my anxieties. Hopefully it won’t be another 4 months before we can play again lol

At the beginning of lockdown I wondered how our D/s relationship would hold up with the lack of physical play. Now as we continue without the physical play I am starting to wonder just how evil and sadistic sir will be once lockdown is over!! A dominant with time to ponder ways of tormenting a submissive and no outlet to act on them makes for an even more sadistic dominant than usual lol

Reading a BDSM website a phrase that was used was ‘Patience is an important aspect of submission’. Is it really? I have never seen myself as a patient person and I think at times Sir would agree that patience is something I need to learn. This usually occurs outside our D/s though where I need his help fixing something (he jokes about being my tech support!) where yes I can become very impatient.

But is patience really that important to my submission? I don’t think so.  When we are in D/s mode then I don’t go stamping my feet and pouting if Sir makes me wait for things. I don’t see that as me being patient though, I see that as me just being submissive to him because he is the one in control. Some may argue that if I am submissive I should be like that all the time with Sir and never get impatient with him. That may be the way it is for some but in our dynamic Sir would think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t get impatient occasionally.

I was worried that with lockdown stopping physical play I would end up suppressing my submissive side. I have done this to some extend as a form of self-protection eve though we are still maintaining a level of psychology D/s. I had also expected my mind to wander to thoughts of our D/s and my submission and it has, but what I hadn’t expected was the nature of some of those thoughts. With the lack of the physical play I have of late been finding my mind focussing on the type of play that would leave marks and even thoughts of temporary branding popping in (something we have never done). I suppose the self-protection can only go so far and it is natural that my mind should be thinking about the things I am missing and focussing on the desire to be marked as a way of physically seeing Sirs ownership, even though I know his ownership is still there marks or no marks.