#scorpionic love
A letter to my unrequited love - I
{Confessions of a scorpio moon}
I thought I loved you. It was dangerous. I was intimidated how severely you controlled my mind. I was willing to do anything to please you. To give up my freedom, my studies, my family, my friends, my foundation just to spend time with you. I’d stare at my phone with anxiety crawling up my skin, wondering if you were ignoring me on purpose. You always did it intently. It would drive me mad. I’d be so hurt and pissed knowing you’d read my messages but would never care to reply. I would never understand why I would reply to you in milliseconds when you’d make me wait for hours. Why I’d hurt after hurting you as a form of reactive abuse. I always wanted to soothe your pain, to ease your suffering, to make you feel loved because I saw past your facade. I knew how you’d be the cool guy, the life of the party, the social butterfly who could charm anyone. But I wanted to be the special one who’d lock eyes with you and make you mine. I never felt like I deserved you. I put you on a pedestal and worshipped you like God. I always felt like you were everything that was considered “cool” by the society. People would admire you. They would give in. I did too. You could draw in anyone you liked. You had the game. You could lay eyes on anyone and have them by sweet talking them into your trap. I knew you were playing me. My intuition tried to warn me several times. The red flags seemed dangerous every now and then but being the reckless lover that I am, I thought you’d be the right person to break my heart. Maybe, I expected too much from you. I wanted you to fill the voids I had. I wanted to be consumed by your love. I needed your attention constantly. I wanted to talk to you 24*7 although I never really had much to talk about. I was boring as hell but you, there would always be messages lined up for you. I felt privileged and honoured to receive a reply from you. It validated me. I felt seen. And heard. And appreciated. It was the best feeling ever. I had only been abandoned, discarded and used all my life. Being validated felt magical for a change. It made me want to surrender my life to you. I started living as per your terms. I’d do little things you’d mention in conversations to become your ideal lover in hopes of being noticed by you. But time and again, you’d fail to notice me. As if I was never there. But I was. I was always there for you. Through thick and thin. Right before your eyes.
-R
