#ugh whatever

A Letter to my unrequited love - II

{Confessions of a scorpio moon}

You’d dump your trauma on me and I’d take it all happily, thinking it’d help you feel better, lighter. I thought you deserved to feel the happiest. And I’d easily swap your pain with the rare moments of joy I managed to feel. I stayed up at nights listening to you vent about your failed relationships, madly in love with you, shattering silently on the floor of my bedroom, ignoring my pain and paying heed to yours. You always came first, right? You were so dreamy, how could anyone ever hurt you? It felt absolutely cruel. I wanted to nurse your wounds and it was honestly too late when I realized that I was burning myself all throughout to warm you up. I didn’t stop though. Why would I? You were someone I’d never want to lose. You made me feel wanted for a short amount of time. Your scraps of love and attention made me feel like a queen. I felt so loved. It touched my heart. No one ever expressed that kind of love to me before. I didn’t even love myself half as much as I loved you. I was trained to be a giver, to cater to everyone else’s needs and the same pattern unfolded here. You kept depleting me of the little love I had and I didn’t mind it. We both would pour our love into you and I’d watch you bloom. You’d give your love to everyone except me. I wanted to claim a piece of your love. Your time. Your attention. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to go deep into your psyche to understand and explore every bit of you. Everything you did made me fall for you harder and harder. It seemed to me like you enjoyed hurting me. Making me wait. Watching me get jealous. Triggering my childhood wounds. You’d feel cocky and arrogant knowing I was so desperate to talk to you. I’d sacrifice my self-respect and initiate a conversation all the time. You’d play it cool. You were cool. But you were cold. And distant too. You often called me names, insulted me and made me feel like trash. You didn’t hesitate to walk all over me or use me like your punchbag. You took your anger out on me and I took the abuse not knowing how to pull myself out of the mess I got into.

I have spent sleepless nights trying to figure out what why I wasn’t enough. I questioned my worth several times. I never felt like I could match up to you. I could never meet you up there. The more I loved you, the more I began to hate myself. I didn’t love myself even half as much as I loved you. It didn’t make sense to me. But I didn’t care. Until you broke my heart. Brutally. You stabbed my back with a smile on your face. Damn, your smile. It melted my broken heart. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you. But I had to. I had to do something about it. I had nothing left. I felt hopeless and powerless. It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Had it been a little sooner, I wouldn’t have to move mountains to heal myself. Maybe it’d come easy.

Thank you for being the braver one among the two of us. One of us had to do it. One of us had to break my heart. Thankyou for leaving me broken. I’ve built it stronger this time. Don’t bother knocking on the door. You’re not welcome.

-R

A letter to my unrequited love - I

{Confessions of a scorpio moon}

I thought I loved you. It was dangerous. I was intimidated how severely you controlled my mind. I was willing to do anything to please you. To give up my freedom, my studies, my family, my friends, my foundation just to spend time with you. I’d stare at my phone with anxiety crawling up my skin, wondering if you were ignoring me on purpose. You always did it intently. It would drive me mad. I’d be so hurt and pissed knowing you’d read my messages but would never care to reply. I would never understand why I would reply to you in milliseconds when you’d make me wait for hours. Why I’d hurt after hurting you as a form of reactive abuse. I always wanted to soothe your pain, to ease your suffering, to make you feel loved because I saw past your facade. I knew how you’d be the cool guy, the life of the party, the social butterfly who could charm anyone. But I wanted to be the special one who’d lock eyes with you and make you mine. I never felt like I deserved you. I put you on a pedestal and worshipped you like God. I always felt like you were everything that was considered “cool” by the society. People would admire you. They would give in. I did too. You could draw in anyone you liked. You had the game. You could lay eyes on anyone and have them by sweet talking them into your trap. I knew you were playing me. My intuition tried to warn me several times. The red flags seemed dangerous every now and then but being the reckless lover that I am, I thought you’d be the right person to break my heart. Maybe, I expected too much from you. I wanted you to fill the voids I had. I wanted to be consumed by your love. I needed your attention constantly. I wanted to talk to you 24*7 although I never really had much to talk about. I was boring as hell but you, there would always be messages lined up for you. I felt privileged and honoured to receive a reply from you. It validated me. I felt seen. And heard. And appreciated. It was the best feeling ever. I had only been abandoned, discarded and used all my life. Being validated felt magical for a change. It made me want to surrender my life to you. I started living as per your terms. I’d do little things you’d mention in conversations to become your ideal lover in hopes of being noticed by you. But time and again, you’d fail to notice me. As if I was never there. But I was. I was always there for you. Through thick and thin. Right before your eyes.

-R

Today I wearing the lovely scent of “Shit out your eyeball and go eat some grenades” by Dior.

I’m back.

And I’m not happy about it.