#sex culture
I’m never sure quite where to start when discussing BDSM because it’s a topic I’ve examined a lot - first in literature, with East of Eden in high school, but then through an examination of “deviant” sex cultures (I’m fascinated by sex cultures and have looked at a number of different facets of American, Chinese, and Japanese cultures in particular). In particular, I stumbled upon some BDSM fiction - which, frankly, is better written than 50 Shades of Gray, I’m sure, though it was rather stomach-churning to read some of the scenes… and, as a researcher, I must admit that unfortunately I ultimately could not finish the work… I didn’t even get halfway… What was intriguing to me though, was the discovery that the writer was a guy. And then finding the site the author wrote about how to get started with BDSM.
That was what shocked me. Diving into the material was… rough… to say the least, but looking at the approach to it was really astonishing. Perhaps because the activities are so stigmatized, there has been a need to make it “safe, sane & consensual” but roofies are also rather stigmatized and there has yet to be a community that makes that at all anything near safe. There was such an emphasis on relationship and communicating with your partner(s), and making sure everyone was comfortable. The openness and communication that Newmahr discusses is just as present in the online communities I’ve seen as the ones she studied. Because communication and developing skills is so huge, there are many blogging communities (though it should be noted that generally more women blog, focusing on their experiences, mentality, etc. while men who blog more often write about techniques, etc.) around BDSM, which often cite fellow bloggers, all by their web pseudonym, which may or may not be their name in the club, in events or activities - the clubs that Newmahr talks about where the public physical scenes happen.
There’s so much that these people discuss, some of which is directly related to our class’s discussions, such as the idea of edgework and boundaries. There’s a lot of discussion about how far, and how to go farther, a lot of advice and shared experiences: one post (I’d cite it, but I never saved the links) discusses the idea of a submissive being made to do edgework as a good thing. From his perspective, there’s two types of boundaries, which I think he called boundaries and borders, one which is crossable and the other which is not, and that it is the dominant's responsibility to know which is which, and only push because he/she thinks it is in the submissive’s best interest, i.e. the submissive will be thankful later (like the idea that I want to go skydiving, but I’d need someone to shove me out of the plane).
It’s a very supportive, open community, with a lot of acknowledgement of personal shortcomings and how to deal with them - not just aftercare, but what happens when a submissive won’t submit. Descriptions like that are where there’s a sharp distinction between “physical abuse” and the type of play that occurs in public and in private in these individuals’ lives. Whereas in a stereotypically abusive environment, any flak is met with physical retaliation, when a submissive won’t submit, there’s often a great deal of gentleness and firmness in the response. And aftercare. As with edgework, it’s all seen as in the other person’s best interest; the relationship is seen as mutually beneficial, because it is contingent on the D/s being by choice and by preference.
The decision to have a “power imbalance” by choice may seem strange to most people in today’s post-feminist society. But having power, and thus responsibility, is actually very draining. Maintaining an equal-power household is also very draining. Where you have two leaders, it’s difficult to achieve any peace. Most “equitable” relationships are actually built on compromise, whether it is the idea of separate spheres of influence or shared responsibility. There is usually some degree of yield. Yet not everyone wants to lead. Some people want to give up power. It’s just a personal preference. Everyone wants to be respected, which is an entirely different issue. And both sides are respected in the SM community, and because the activities are framed as mutually beneficial, all the identities are framed as positive.
When you get to know the BDSM community (even like me, which is more like a stalker/voyeur of the online community), honestly, I think it’s very hard to dislike them. We can discuss the probability of their statuses as social outcasts and the stereotypical association with “goths” and “emos” but as people, they really look out for each other - not only their partner, but others in their community, which, is a lot better than those of us in the “normal/dominant” scene can say, not only in terms of physical but also emotional wellbeing.
