My church leaders gaslit me. Now I’m gaslighting myself.

“The heart is deceitful above all things,” my church leaders would often say, quoting Jeremiah 17:9. But rather than mentioning the following verses, which addresses God’s omniscience and the fate that awaits those who “gain riches by unjust means,” they warned us middle schoolers that, despite what our favorite movies told us, we can’t “believe in ourselves” and “be true to our heart.” Doing so is sinful.

It’s been more than a decade since I stepped foot in that church, but I still carry the lessons I learned there. And to this day…

• I don’t trust my own instincts
• I minimize my spiritual struggles
• I doubt my ability to interpret the Bible
• I freeze when making the smallest decisions
• I try to talk myself out of experiencing negative emotions

Ironically, I stumbled upon this article while writing this post:

What is Healthy Faith vs. Spiritual Bypassing? - Alison Cook, Ph.D.

In the midst of this revelation that I’m gaslighting myself (and still have a long road of spiritual healing ahead), I am…

• dealing with shifting family dynamics
• having to set boundaries with people who do not affirm me, and contemplating cutting formerly close friends out of my life
• working for a company that does not value me, my coworkers, or our clients, and contemplating a career change in the midst of a “labor shortage” and the “Great Resignation”
• living through Year Three of a pandemic, and processing news about a highly contagious variant anda change in CDC guidelines for staying safe

To say I’m facing uncertainty is an understatement.

All this to say that I’m attempting to be open and honest about my struggles. I don’t have any words of encouragement today, nor do I want to anticipate a future that God surely has in store. What I do want to do is acknowledge that I’m going through a lot and that I’m taking things day by day—the greatest act of faith I can do right now.