Choosing to set and enforce boundaries even and especially when it is difficult is an act of heroic self love. It is heroic self love to realize, vocalize and prioritize your needs because you know in your bones that your healing depends on it, that your soul is calling for it and your younger self is crying for it. To say, “No.” Despite the fear. Despite the malice of others. Despite the mockery, refusal, rejection, resentment, disregard, ignorance, anger, hostility and abandonment that will come to do battle with the brilliant light that is your knowledge of self worth. It is heroic self love to speak your mind, to draw the line, to put your foot down and risk standing alone and away from all that is familiar but that threatens your vitality as well, to surrender the socially preferred role of “agreeable person”, all for the simple fact that your sacred smile is worth it. When we stop expecting the healing journey to be easy we make room for the glorious moments of overcoming that remind us that we are our own heroes, we are the knights for whom we have fought the fatal sleep of despair. We heal when we give priority to our wellness. We heal when we draw the lines that create our safe spaces. We heal when we put doors on our sanctuaries. And we heal when we see ourselves standing up for ourselves.
Today I’d like to acknowledge everyone who has established boundaries for which they faced loss but which they enforced and maintained in the name of truth and healing.
The abuse you experienced is not your fault, and this question is not meant to imply that you would not have been abused if you had set boundaries. Rather, when it comes to your relationships with partners, friends, family members and even strangers, what are the lines you now know are important for you to draw?
Because abuse involves violations of our rights and because trauma is so often accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness, boundary setting plays an important role in our recovery. We are allowed to set boundaries and be clear about the type of behaviour that is or is not okay in our lives. We have the right to stand up for ourselves.
What type of behaviour are you no longer willing to put up with? Please share your answer below. #ReclaimYourVoice
After several decades of being blacklisted for demanding higher pay and speaking up about poor treatment in the workplace, Janet Hubert gets acknowledgment and closure in a one-on-one discussion for TV.
It isn’t enough, not just for Janet but all the Moniques, Serena Williamses, and Meghan Markles in the world. We don’t have to compromise on our value.
Black women and femmes aren’t “difficult” for setting boundaries, knowing our worth, and refusing to comply with abuse. Choosing self-love by rejecting biases that expect us to settle for poor treatment is courageous, vulnerable, powerful, and disempowering to the social norms that deny us. This act is perceived or portrayed as “difficult” to people who perpetuate those norms when they can no longer take advantage of them… and us.
If you genuinely care about the lives of Black women and femmes, you must do more than lip-service. You have to support our human autonomy–then get out of our way.
teaching children about body autonomy and consent bgins as soon as they understand words and continues until they’re grown. Some of yall weirdly sexualize children but clutch pearls over teaching them essential lessons for adulthood
My church leaders gaslit me. Now I’m gaslighting myself.
“The heart is deceitful above all things,” my church leaders would often say, quoting Jeremiah 17:9. But rather than mentioning the following verses, which addresses God’s omniscience and the fate that awaits those who “gain riches by unjust means,” they warned us middle schoolers that, despite what our favorite movies told us, we can’t “believe in ourselves” and “be true to our heart.” Doing so is sinful.
It’s been more than a decade since I stepped foot in that church, but I still carry the lessons I learned there. And to this day…
I don’t trust my own instincts
I minimize my spiritual struggles
I doubt my ability to interpret the Bible
I freeze when making the smallest decisions
I try to talk myself out of experiencing negative emotions
Ironically, I stumbled upon this article while writing this post:
In the midst of this revelation that I’m gaslighting myself (and still have a long road of spiritual healing ahead), I am…
dealing with shifting family dynamics
having to set boundaries with people who do not affirm me, and contemplating cutting formerly close friends out of my life
working for a company that does not value me, my coworkers, or our clients, and contemplating a career change in the midst of a “labor shortage” and the “Great Resignation”
living through Year Three of a pandemic, and processing news about a highly contagious variant anda change in CDC guidelines for staying safe
To say I’m facing uncertainty is an understatement.
All this to say that I’m attempting to be open and honest about my struggles. I don’t have any words of encouragement today, nor do I want to anticipate a future that God surely has in store. What I do want to do is acknowledge that I’m going through a lot and that I’m taking things day by day—the greatest act of faith I can do right now.
Do yourself a favor: Set boundaries with people who don’t affirm you.
I’m speaking as much to myself as I am to anyone reading this post.
Today I reconnected with a friend from my old (conservative white evangelical) church. A lot has changed since we last saw each other—I changed my name, found terms that describe my experiences, and embraced my queerness.
Considering my friend responded positively when I came out to her over text, I thought we’d be on the same page when it came to LGBTQ inclusion in the church.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
This is the second close friend who has recently rejected me for my queerness. NGL, it sucks; and I find myself wondering, was coming out really worth it?
Keeping loved ones at arm’s length
Queer Theology has countless resources about rejection, but these two have helped me the most:
Reading this, I felt reassured that it’s OK to have mixed feelings. That even if my friend wants to continue hanging out with me, and even though we did have some positive conversations (outside of queer and faith topics), her believing that being LGBTQ is a sin is not loving.
Although this article addresses folks who don’t affirm transgender folks, it offers insight into setting boundaries.
In fact, I have started to…
Quit considering the people who’ve rejected me as my close friends (this has been especially difficult because I’ve known these friends for years)
Unfollow people on social media from my old (conservative white evangelical) communities
Rely more on my affirming friends for emotional support
This post was primarily a reminder for me—that it’s OK (and even self-care!) to set boundaries with people who don’t accept me for who I am. But I hope you get some insight or encouragement, too.
There are 8 boundaries I’m creating for myself this year, and I think it is definitely something we all need to be better at. With most of us working from home, and missing loved ones, I feel like we all need to create better boundaries. This year I genuinely want it to be the year where I work on my own self development, my own positivity and wellness. I’ve also set up a brand new Instagram…
Setting boundaries can be difficult. It’s easier said than done, and often, when the situation changes, our boundaries seem to change too.
That guy who you can’t get out of your mind ghosted you for two weeks, so you decided to forget about him - now he’s texting you again. And your boundaries? Forgotten.
Someone who you don’t particularly like keeps asking you for dinner. What do you do? Reluctantly go against your will.
You’re placed in a position where you either have to betray your actual self for the validation or fear of upsetting someone else.
Boundary setting wasn’t easy for me, either. I used to be a very shy child - saying no was impossible.
Here’s how I’ve grown from that mindset:
1. Tell yourself saying no is cool.
I don’t know why repeating this to myself had a positive effect, but it did.
“Saying no makes you cool.”
Practice with small situations to be able to cope with larger ones.
- saying no for a second/ third helping at dinner
- saying no if you’re not in the mood to drink or smoke
- saying no if you don’t like what the salesperson is showing you
Unfortunately we live in a world where saying no is very slowly being accepted as “polite.” Had this been taught to us as children, it would’ve been easier to handle as adults.
2. Tell yourself this is a simulation.
Sometimes it’s very difficult to say certain things that you want to say. I like to tell myself that I’m in a video game or a tv show and that this is just what I’m supposed to say. “No.”
3. Anticipate the future responses.
A lot of people think that saying no is an opportunity to convince you to say yes.
“Would you like to drink?”
“No, thank you - I’d rather be sober tonight.”
“What! Why? It’s a party! Have you tried this wine? It’s seriously so good, have a couple of sips!”
I think this mentality comes from toxic hustle culture - “never accept no!” “Keep grinding!” “Try again and again even if you fail!” - so you need to anticipate this.
For this reason, keep your guard up. Nine out of ten times, the person who’s asking you is going to persist. Be prepared for it.
Here’s a couple of tips:
- Make a slight face and say “no thanks.” If you look hesitant, they WILL convince you further.
- Be very confident. Keep your posture straight. Shoulders broad. Have a neutral expression when they try to convince you.
-thank them at the end. In my experience, I’ve noticed that if I thank them for “being understanding”, they immediately drop it. Why? Because you’ve given them the validation they need.
“What! Why? It’s a party! Have you tried this wine? It’s seriously so good, have a couple of sips!”
“Oh, no thanks. I’m really not in the mood to drink tonight, thank you for looking out though!”
4. If you’re going to go to an event, or you’re going to have a difficult conversation with someone- plan it out.
Let’s say I have to confront a cheating boyfriend. Here’s what I’d write down in my Notes app:
‘He’s cheated on me with X on X date, at X venue.
He’s going to deny it at first. I need to stay calm and persistent, and not back down.
He’s going to try to convince me that I’m crazy. This is the phase I know I’m getting through to him, because he’s changing his tactics. Again, I need to be as blank faced as possible and refuse to give in.
He’s going to then try to emotionally manipulate me. He may blackmail or bring up the past. He may tell me that I don’t trust him. He’ll try to push the blame on ME.
I have to be aware of how he’s going to react. I need to be calm, absolutely calm until he breaks and confesses everything.
My goal of this conversation is to get him to confess and break up with him.”
Planning it like this helps, because now you have something secure. Here’s a guideline for the same :
1.Describe the situation briefly. (What happened exactly? What do you know? What have other people told you? Do you have evidence?)
2. Note down how you think they’ll react. Would they get defensive or angry? Would they lie? What would YOU do if you were in their place? (Come up with all possible scenarios).
3. Write down solutions for every situation.
“If X starts lying, I’ll say this : “____”.”
“If X denies it, I’ll bring up this screenshot.”
“If X starts to blame someone else, I’ll wait until they’re done speaking and then tell them I already spoke to that person.”
This is a manipulation tactic that men use to make it such a pain in the ass to set a boundary with them that you don’t attempt it again
Say “good idea” and keep it pushing
No but really. When anyone does this to me my response is always “well, if you can’t talk to me without talking about X, then yeah, that’s really the only solution.”
When they get defensive about “our friendship/relationship/etc really means so little to you???” Come back with “Ive always thought our relationship was built on more than whether or not I find X funny, but if it isn’t, then we’re not really compatible.”
It sets the boundary while getting across exactly how ridiculous they’re being.
…and you’re not mean or wrong for gently but firmly reminding people of that.
There’s a reason I don’t ever say “pm me if you ever need to talk” on any of my posts, and my bio doesn’t say “dms always open”. I know that mentally I can’t handle other peoples problems and I’m not obligated to.
Maybe some people can (and that’s great) but it’s okay if you’re not one of those people (I’m not either!). You can always encourage them to seek professional help if needed, and explain that you don’t feel able to handle that kind of stimulation right now.
