#spoonie vents

Spoonie Problems: I feel like an ungrateful bitch when I complain about my caregivers, who are generally wonderful & family/friends doing it for free or for spit-pay from the government. My counselor always said I can be grateful & annoyed, that they aren’t mutually exclusive feelings…but I know if main caregiver heard me vent, they’d feel like it’s because they can’t do anything right, & they’d be hesitant about helping at all in the future with anything I don’t lay out specifically in detail for them bc ‘you get upset with me for trying to help sometimes’, & it would further their belief that I’m ‘always mad’ at them, which they told me once is how they feel. Like, I know they’re projecting their own issues, but when it’s a friend/family member, you have to maintain your familial relationship at the same time and Iike, that can be hard. Sometimes I think a professional caregiver would be better because then I could be firmer — not rude, but firmer — and not have to worry that’ll bring up issues because, like, oh their mom made them feel they were useless and me correcting them will trigger that. Because with a professional from an agency, I wouldn’t know about their mom or their triggers. But then I remember all the horror stories I’ve heard about caregivers and abuse, neglect, infantilism & ableism and like, I’m so grateful my caregivers all love & care about me. But still, sometimes I need to vent without being empathetic to their psychological upbringing. You know?

This post is brought to you by someone trying to help me with something I didn’t even ask for help with & then refusing to listen to what I’m saying the issue is & legit (non-violently) slapping my hand away multiple times when I point out the thing that’ll help them.