It’s a constant thing. It’s a fear of not being enough, not caring enough, not showing enough…it’s a fear of failing not just as a significant other, but as more than that; Failing as a mommy or daddy and leaving your little adrift and afraid.
2) What if I don’t SHOW it enough?
What happens if you don’t show them structure, or rules, or guidance? What if you do don’t show them you understand their needs, or show them you appreciate their littlespace? What if, forbid-it, you don’t show that you are invested? What if every time you struggle to say the right thing, or act the right way, they don’t feel like you MEAN it or FEEL it or CARE like you do? What if they don’t know or understand that your position as a caregiver is hard but valued…is something you can care about or want, even if it’s hard or scary sometimes?
3) What if your little loses faith or interest?
What happens to a caregiver when their little no longer trusts them, abides by their rules and regulations and efforts? What happens if the little decides a caregiver isn’t the right match, but instead of expressing those fears just decides to act out or ignore and fight them at every last step? It’s a burden to be a caregiver, but one that is a POSITIVE thing….but there’s no defense you can muster if your little decides they don’t want you! What then?
THESE are what caregivers fear. A lot. Of course there’s more, and everyone is unique in terms of their own personality and relationship, but these are real fears. And sometimes, just hearing a little say that they understand and want to reassure the caregiver that they’re OK and trying hard and are appreciated? Well, that can be HUGE. If you appreciate your caregiver…if you see these fears and want them to be reassured? Well, let them know. It WILL help.
Try to help you remember your rules, even if that means an OCCASIONAL punishment or talking to?
Pat your bum or rub your back when you’re cuddling and need attention?
Just somehow KNOW what all your fussy noises mean?
Love the way you wake up all confused and grumpy?
Hold your hand when you feel nervous?
Give you a paci or toy when you feel bad?
Give you rules, and structure, and comfort?
Tease you and make you feel little when you don’t know how to relax?
Care for you, and make sure you’re safe, and comfy?
Tell you bedtime stories, or sing you a lullaby?
Miss you like CRAZY when you’re not talking, even for a few minutes!?
Well if any of the above sounds like YOUR mommy or daddy…you’ve got a great caregiver, and they deserve to know it! So thank you caregivers! You deserve LOTS AND LOTS of love and affection!
To steal a joke format from the old ‘redneck comedy series’ and Jeff Foxworthy, I’m going to list a FEW things below..and if they fit you, perhaps better than you’d like to admit to most people…then you might be a little.
If you’ve ever woken up using a pacifier, and your first thought was “Yay mommy” or “Yay daddy!”…you might be a little.
If you’re an adult who still has serious conversations with your stuffed animals…you might be a little.
Heck, if you call those stuffed animals “stuffies” and refer to them by name? You might be a little.
If you refer to injuries as “ouchies” or “boo-boos” or “hurties” you might be a little.
If your significant other is called ‘daddy’ or ‘mommy’, and not just around kids if you have them, you might be a little.
If your favorite store, even as an adult, is “Toys-r-us” you might be a little.
If you get called “Little One” or “princess” or “little buddy” or something like that by your significant other, you might be a little.
If you firmly believe naps are evil, but still have rules that make you take them…you might be a little.
If you ever wonder how ‘vanilla’ couples get along without a mommy or daddy in charge, you might be a little.
If you get scared about doing things you’ve done a million times before, just because you’re now in littlespace? You might be a little.
If you’re reading my blog, and you’re not a caregiver…you’re PROBABLY a little.
I’m going to discuss one of the harsher, and possibly scarier things I’ve written about: WHY AND WHEN CAREGIVERS LEAVE.
I also fully anticipate blowback for this post, and people disliking it or me, and probably losing some followers. But unlike my cuter posts, this is one that has been building for a long time, and I think needs to be addressed…
FIRST…
Let’s start by admitting the truth; Littles are idolized and generally seen as exceptional, special, valuable, sensitive, and in some ways more important than their caregivers. This probably comes from a lot of things, but in part it comes down to the nature of any relationship with the sort of power exchange dynamic; The person who gives up some of their power (littles/submissives/pets for examples, depending on your dynamic) gives it up as a gift. Yes, they crave someone else helping them, yes, they want to be loved and cared for and controlled…but their submission is a choice, and that puts a LOT of emphasis on them, because now the purpose of the relationship, in some ways, changes. It’s at least described in a fashion that suggests that the nature of the relationship is:
Less about how the two partners interact, and more about how the interactions or behaviors of the big/owner/dominant impact the little/pet/submissive.
Must be dependent on the acceptance of the submissive/little.
Doesn’t require the big to necessarily be happy as much (particularly in ageplay or little/big relationships).
So what does that do? That brings me to my second point.
SECOND…
This means that the relationship can feel like someone is telling the big that their little is MORE important, or that if the little isn’t doing well or isn’t happy, the big/dominant is the one at fault every time. Sure, sometimes they are! But…let’s not lie. Sometimes, a little has other things going on. Life isn’t exclusively about your dynamic! so if life is hard for them because of vanilla stuff, work stuff, depression, or any of a million other things, the big/dom doesn’t need to feel like they screwed up!
And if the little doesn’t recognize the two-way nature of the relationship, or if the big themselves don’t put attention and care into their own wellbeing…then things can go bad. They can resent the little, they can feel worthless, their mental health can degrade, and they can start to genuinely believe that this situation isn’t going to work, or that they aren’t worthy of the love they feel they’re given. Or, worse, they might not feel love BACK because they resent or are hurt by their perceived lack of attention and care. And where does THAT go?
THIRD…
When your big doesn’t feel cared for, important, or valued…they don’t want to be with you. It’s brutal, it’s scary, but it’s true. Remember that despite every lovely post on tumblr telling us all how precious and perfect and sensitive and rare and incredible and delicate and on and on and on….despite EVERY one of those flowery descriptions of littles, that doesn’t mean their relationships aren’t a two way street. Dom-drop exists! Daddy/mommy-drop exists! Bigs have stress! Bigs are sensitive too! The most aggressive, dominant, in-control and serious daddy dom might still need someone to ask about THEIR day. They are no less powerful, in control, masculine, or whatever else they fear they aren’t just because they need help and attention too!
And if you’re in a relationship that focuses so completely on one partner to the detriment of the other that they resent, regret, or dislike what’s happening, they might leave. They might not tell you the whole story, they might tell you they’re sorry they aren’t enough, but the truth is, it’s a two-way street. A submissive is supposed to be a PARTNER, even if the power dynamic isn’t equally shared. A little is a COMPANION, who needs to show that they aren’t just their to be pampered and cared for to the exclusion of all else. Because that doesn’t make them NEEDY or DEPENDENT or any of the flowery words we use…it makes them, bluntly, selfish. And no matter how much you want to deny it? If you’re that kind of little, you know.
Finally… I am bringing this up because I’m seeing people posting things that seem to say any unhappy little is a failed caregiver, and any caregiver who is anything less than flawless, perfect, eternally giving, and accepting of ANY problem is not a good one. And that’s not fair. Not to get into specifics, but i dated someone who was the sort of little that was…just unfair. They required my attention, sure, but it wasn’t just that. If they wanted to talk, I was a bad person if I was at work! If they met me and we spent a lovely whole day together, then I was a bad person for not being able to spend the night, because I had work in the morning. They wrote about how littles need to respect and understand their bigs and their bigs’ needs, but then ignored mine, were selfish, cruel, and made me feel like every effort I put in was nothing, insufficient, and not appreciated. It made it REALLY hard to keep giving of myself when nothing I did was enough, or right, or fair. To be told that 100% of your energy is worth 0% appreciation? It kills any relationship on the spot.
So appreciate your littles, caregivers. Appreciate your caregivers, littles. Dominants, remember that your position is one of control and respect, but also remember that you are allowed to have needs. Submissives, remember that submission is a choice you made, but that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to help your dominant when they clearly need it. And everyone remember than no matter the NATURE of a relationship, it’s still a two way street. It requires two (or more, for poly couples/groups) people working together to work out well. And it means that EVERYBODY INVOLVED needs to know when to speak up, admit what they need, and ask for help when they require it. Sound fair? I hope so.
Something I never knew -even as a trans disabled person- is that there is a Disability Day of Mourning every year on March 1st. Much like with Trans Day of Remembrance keeping a list of the trans victims of murder, a list of names of the KNOWN disabled victims of filicide (killed by caregivers and family) is kept and published on disability-memorial.org . They ALSO publish a tool kit to help you do something about it.
This year there are over 60 ~recorded~ victims of filicide. For a list of names please visit disability-memorial.org (also in the QR code). Disabled Hikers(instagram&facebook) also has posts which feature the list of names.
I keep stressing “KNOWN” victims because obviously the deaths of disabled people are usually seen as something else, even if they were caused by the mistreatment or embedded ableism of their family or doctors. I know of an autistic child, for instance… who passed away in his sleep while under the temporary care of extended family… Quite likely an unintended effect of over-dosing him on meds they were unfamiliar with that day “just to make him easier” (its all been said before) but in truth we will never know for sure. There are many unseen stories just like that.
And this is to say nothing of the deaths invoked by systemic ableism in other ways - or the subtle but fervent genocide of millions of disabled people who have been sacrificed to covid…
We all spend a lot of time on the internet. Please take at least a few minutes today while online to read the names and check out the Tool Kit.
Parents and Caregivers: Use This Tool to Build a More Diverse Home Book Collection
Parents and Caregivers: Use This Tool to Build a More Diverse Home Book Collection
We are so excited to announce that we have adapted our beloved Classroom Library Questionnaire into a tool for families and caregivers! Our newly launched Home Library Questionnaire is now available for free to download. The Home Library Questionnaire will help you:
Reflect on your home library Broaden the types of books you read with your children Diversify your child’s independent reading and…
When it comes to working in people’s homes, the working arrangements are often casual and wages are paid out in cash. This grey area can lead to confusion for both parties, but determining if a nanny or an at-home caregiver is considered a household employee can make tax filing simpler for everyone involved. To learn more, see the full TurboTax article.
Her mental age is about three years old. She loves Winnie the Pooh, Beauty & the Beast, and Sesame Street. Even though the below picture is unconvincing.
Edna and “Cookie.” I think she was trying to play it cool.
My name is Jeanie. I’m Edna’s younger sister. I’m also her guardian and caregiver.
That’s me on the left. (Hey, you never know. After a year of writing a blog about online dating - Jeanie Does the Internet - I’ve come to learn that there are A LOT of fools on the internet.)
ANYWAY, I’m not “doing the internet” anymore. I’m taking care of Edna full-time, after completing my MFA in Writing for Screen & Television at USC.
May 16, 2014. I wanted a picture. Edna wanted breakfast.
In case you’re wondering where our parents are, they’re dead. Our mom died of breast cancer when she was just 33.
Us with mom before she died. (Obviously.)
As for our dad, he peaced-out around the time my mom got sick. His loss - we’re awesome.
Here we are being awesome at the beach. Pushing a wheelchair in the sand? Not so awesome.
In case you’re wondering “What’s wrong?” with my sister - as a stranger once asked me on the street - NOTHING. Yes, Edna has a rare form of epilepsy - Lennox-Gastaut syndrome - but I don’t know if that’s anymore “wrong” than people who don’t have manners.
Basically, Edna was born “normal,” and started having seizures as a baby. They eventually got so bad that they cut off the oxygen to her brain, causing her to be mentally disabled. Or impaired. Or intellectually disabled. Or whatever you want to call it - except “retarded,” because in 2010, President Obama signed Rosa’s Law into effect, replacing that word with “intellectually impaired.”
Which is cool and all, but services for the disabled and the people who care for them are SEVERELY LACKING. Also, there’s a bunch of people working in taxpayer-funded positions who are supposed to help families like us, but don’t. (Big surprise, I know.) They just fill out paperwork (whenever they feel like it) with asinine statements like this:
YUP. I transport my sister down the stairs in her wheelchair, because that is not only safe, but TOTALLY PRACTICAL. Why doesn’t everyone in a wheelchair just take the stairs, for God’s sake? Stop being so lazy, PEOPLE WITHOUT WORKING LEGS!
But, as it says above, Edna’s legs do work. Whether or not she wants them to, is another story.
Edna refusing to go inside.
These are the stairs that I have to carry her up - by myself - on a daily basis. That is, until one of my legs break and both of us are just sitting at the bottom of the stairs, helpless.
For six months, I have begged - BEGGED - the State of California to help my sister, which they are required by law - The Lanterman Act specifically - to do so. But they’ve told me “these things take time” and that I “need to amend my expectations.” (That was said to me when I refused to place Edna at AN ALL-MALE CARE FACILITY. Because yes, that was an “option” that was offered to me.)
Prior to Edna moving in with me in my one-bedroom apartment, she was living with her amazing caregiver, Gaby, back in Tucson, where we went to high school and I did my undergrad. Edna’s reppin’ the Wildcats below.
But back in November, Gaby also died from breast cancer. (FUCK YOU, BREAST CANCER!) This picture was taken a month before she died. She never even told me she was sick because she didn’t want me to worry.
By the way, we were raised by our grandma. Edna and her were very close.
She’s dead, too. Surprise.
She died when I was 20 and Edna was 21. That’s when I became Edna’s legal guardian and Gaby stepped into the picture to help me out with Edna.
So, six months ago, after Gaby died, I moved Edna to California, where I tried to get the folks over at The Frank D. Lanterman Regional Center to help me. I’ve told them I’m worried about our safety - that one of us could get hurt on the stairs - I’ve told them I can’t afford to pay the private babysitters $15/hour because the ones social services sent me who make $9/hour were unreliable (they didn’t show up on time or at all so I could get to school and work), untrustworthy (one of them let Edna go to the bathroom in the kitchen and then took her into the bathroom because “that what I thought I was supposed to do.”)
But the people over at the FLRC don’t return my calls, they don’t file the paperwork on time - and the first caseworker that was assigned to us actually LAUGHED AT my sister when he came to our home to evaluate her. When I reported him to his supervisor, she told me, “That’s just [insert name of said jackass].”
He was one of the two caseworkers that contributed to the report I mentioned above, which also included this:
So let me get this straight - I have to feed, bathe, dress and help Edna in the bathroom and you can’t deduce whether or not she is able to vote? What in the fuck?!
Now I realize I seem angry. And you can bet your balls I am. I’m also sad. Sad for those who don’t have family to stick up from them and who waste away God knows where, monitored by no one. Or monitored by people who physically and sexually assault them.
I’m also sad for the caregivers who are SO EXHAUSTED - trying to take care of their loved ones - while also trying to take care of themselves and battling a system that is supposed to help, but does nothing of the sort. And I know a lot of people give up. They let their dreams, their marriages, their friendships slide. All while trying not to resent the very person you’re doing it all for.
Edna wanted to sit next to me the other day while I was writing. Clearly, she’s not impressed.
Here’s the thing: I REFUSE TO GIVE UP. I’M NOT GIVING UP ON HER OR MYSELF. I’m going to pursue my dreams while taking care of her, AND while ensuring that the people paid to do their jobs ACTUALLY do them.
That’s where you come in. I need you to help me get my story out there. Because I know I’m not alone in this. I want to connect with families who are in similar situations and also show people who have no idea what it’s like to care for someone with a disability (or even a loved one who is sick) that it can be rewarding. Super fucking hard. Exhausting. Painful. Isolating. But, rewarding.
I’m going to get help for my sister - and others. My hope is that by sharing our story, I can bring awareness to the lack of services and help for the disabled.
Spoonie Problems: I feel like an ungrateful bitch when I complain about my caregivers, who are generally wonderful & family/friends doing it for free or for spit-pay from the government. My counselor always said I can be grateful & annoyed, that they aren’t mutually exclusive feelings…but I know if main caregiver heard me vent, they’d feel like it’s because they can’t do anything right, & they’d be hesitant about helping at all in the future with anything I don’t lay out specifically in detail for them bc ‘you get upset with me for trying to help sometimes’, & it would further their belief that I’m ‘always mad’ at them, which they told me once is how they feel. Like, I know they’re projecting their own issues, but when it’s a friend/family member, you have to maintain your familial relationship at the same time and Iike, that can be hard. Sometimes I think a professional caregiver would be better because then I could be firmer — not rude, but firmer — and not have to worry that’ll bring up issues because, like, oh their mom made them feel they were useless and me correcting them will trigger that. Because with a professional from an agency, I wouldn’t know about their mom or their triggers. But then I remember all the horror stories I’ve heard about caregivers and abuse, neglect, infantilism & ableism and like, I’m so grateful my caregivers all love & care about me. But still, sometimes I need to vent without being empathetic to their psychological upbringing. You know?
This post is brought to you by someone trying to help me with something I didn’t even ask for help with & then refusing to listen to what I’m saying the issue is & legit (non-violently) slapping my hand away multiple times when I point out the thing that’ll help them.
