alone.

synopsis: changbin and y/n’s relationship, although it started beautifully, hit rock bottom a long time ago and while he fell headfirst into his university life and all the chaos and craziness that comes with it, she was left behind. while he had the time of his life for the first time ever she was drowning in the arms of her biggest enemy and friend, loneliness and self doubt. changbin hears her cries of help a little too late.

characters: Changbin, Main Character, a smidge of Bang Chan.

pairing: unistudent!changbin x f.maincharacter

genre: angst, das all, just angst

word count: 1.9k

warnings: description of being left behind and feeling forgotten, loneliness and self doubt.

author’s note: i think i wrote this someday during spring of 2020, when i wasn’t in a good place. this hits a bit close to home and is way too personal but bc i’m a person that doesn’t really express themselves that much i found out writing helps a lot so here it is lol
i hope you enjoy reading this

She felt small sitting under Changbin’s cold gaze, her eyes kept shifting here and there to always end up falling down to her twiddling fingers.

It had been a little over fifteen minutes, and he hadn’t said a word. She knew what the matter was, but she was scared of where this was leading.

“Tell me what’s up,” Changbin suddenly said. Y/n’s head snapped up at his voice. Her eyes stared at his face for a while.

“What?” She muttered, hating how hesitant she sounded. When did things become so uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asked again, his usual higher, sweet voice now low and gruff. Y/n gulped.

Suddenly she understood why everyone said Changbin was scary when angry, although she didn’t know if he was angry or upset. Either ways, it was scary.

“I don’t understand,” she mumbled only for him to quickly snap back.

“Bullshit. Tell me,” he demanded, arms crossed. And god, it was so intimidating.

“Can you not intimidate me so much,” she asked, a nervous snicker leaving her lips. Changbin didn’t give any signs of change. Y/n cleared her throat her eyes falling once again to her fingers.

“You want to break up?” Changbin suddenly asked, his voice cold and almost mocking. Y/n closed her eyes, head down. She felt so small in front of him.

Things hadn’t been going the best between them for a while. And where it first started because Changbin couldn’t keep his promise of always making time for her when she needed it, it followed with her slowly distancing herself and closing off. The loneliness too much to bear at times.

And she got so used to him not being there that she made friends with the loneliness. It provided her more comfort than Changbin did.

She knew she shouldn’t have put so much of herself into a guy, after all it happened before too. But Changbin was different.

He had to be, right? He was my bestfriend, he knew me so well. I had no reason to watch my back as I let myself fall with my eyes closed. He could read me so well. Then why wasn’t he there when I called for him? Why was I cast aside the same way I was before? Why did he forget what I cried to him about in the past while I was with someone else? How did he forget about his bestfriend?

He promised. As soon as you feel like I’m not giving you enough time, you tell me, and I will drop whatever I’m doing to talk to you and vice versa, he said. If you need me at any moment, you call me, and I will too, he said. I want this to work, i love you so much, he said. I will try my best so it doesn’t get to the point where I don’t give you enough time, he said.

So when she called the first time why did he snicker and tell her he had to figure some stuff out now that he was in university, with it being the first few weeks of it, and things being chaotic. And she understood.

But then he was figuring things out, sorting out his schedule, socializing, partying, making new friends, hanging out with them, going to classes, having meetings with the clubs he joined. And where did she fall in between all that? So she understood.

And when she couldn’t, she called him asking for just a ten minute call a day, she would be okay with just that. Just ten minutes of his attention.

And you can call her an attention whore, that’s okay. She can be one for her boyfriend if she wanted to, she had every right to ask for a little of his attention.

But why didn’t she receive that ten minute call after the fourth day? Why were his texts coming in so late?

30 minutes. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours.

She trusted him, blindly, she knew him all too well not to. He was her bestfriend.

So she called again, tried to get her ten minute call. He was never alone. Friends always surrounding him, and where she was glad and happy for him that he clicked with a circle in university, so he didn’t have to be alone and drowning in his thoughts, she also sat there, on the phone with him, while he sat there with his friends.

And she spoke, fuck, she tried to tell him stuff that happened in her daily life like she always did. She just wanted to fucking talk to her bestfriend like she did the past five years. But who would she speak to when he wasn’t listening to a word she said.

So sometimes she would abruptly stop talking and see if he’d notice. He wouldn’t. And if he would it would be when it’s been too silent on the other side and he would say, “hello? You there?”“Yeah!” She would say in a light voice, so he wouldn’t notice.

And then she was the one drowning. And she hated water, goddammit, she hated it so much, she was terrified of it but she would choose that over the drowning she was going through.

The voices in her head too many, drowning her, screaming over her, comforting her. Because now someone was talking.

Comfort was loneliness, and again, she got used to the sweet lullaby the silence would sing. So loud, yet so calming.

Because silence can’t hurt you, loneliness can’t disappoint you. They won’t ever leave you.

And in months, she was closed off once again.

Where she had her bestfriend in the past, she had no one now.

And she hated herself for it, she hated it because she lost her bestfriend. The only person that could ever help her, the only person that she could ever run to, the only person that she could say anything to.

Suddenly she had no one to help her, that she could run to or that she could talk to.

And everything was back on being suffocating. The empty feeling sucking her in it’s black hole, the constant lost feeling looming over her.

She couldn’t talk to him about herself anymore, she just couldn’t.

So she knew he was meaninglessly taunting her with that question, but was it even appropriate when he knew they were on the rocks? Was he so willing to ask such a risky thing when she was so used to being alone?

Changbin stared at the girl in front of him, wondering what happened.

She used to be so full of light, so full of life. And now she was just a shell of her old self. She was doing so good, they were doing so good.

And he knew it was mostly his fault, and damn, did he hate himself for it. He should’ve seen it before. The signs were obvious.

How did he not see it? He had spent a lot of his time in the arms of the same loneliness for so long, how did he not see it?

He had spent so much of his teenage life, if not all of it, drowning in his own loneliness, his own voices. He had been lost for so long, and she was the one that gave him hope. She helped him without even realizing. Hell, even he didn’t know. Then how did he let this happen to her?

What games was fate playing with him?

He had told her so many times how small things she did or said helped him cope up so much when he was the one drowning. His bestfriend was the light at the end of the tunnel.

How did he push her down the same tunnel he struggled to come out of? The same tunnel she helped him out of? How did he turn his back on the same hands that helped steady him without even knowing anything? How dare he?

He saw her in this state before, he helped her out of it when that bastard shoved her too deep into the claws of self hatred. Loneliness her most comforting friend back then too. He helped her out of it, then how did he let her fall again?

His hands felt clammy now, his body heating up as he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

She gulped down the lump in her throat, not wanting him to see her weak and bothered. She didn’t want to worry him. She hated the thought of him thinking he had to watch over her, he had to keep her from falling again. She didn’t want to be a burden, she felt like that her whole life already.

She took a deep breath as she looked up at him, a small sad smile on her lips and Changbin held in his breath not believing but also knowing where this was going. And it broke the couple’s heart.

“That would be the most reasonable think to do, don’t you think?” She asked, and fuck why did she have to sound so sweet yet so heartbreaking? He thought, gulping down.

“No, we can make this work,” he furrowed his eyebrows, stubborn, hopeful. And y/n almost smiled at her stubborn baby, but she couldn’t. He hadn’t been her baby in a long time.

“Changbin,” she whispered and Changbin hated it. Hated how she called him, how she made him sound pathetic and like a baby and an involuntary sob escaped his lips.

And almost immediately she got up from her seat on his desk chair and her arms were around his wide shoulders as his head pressed against her stomach. Her own tears running down her cheeks as she quietly sobbed with him.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out, arms tightly secured around her thighs. She nodded, her cheek resting against his hair as she stroked his locks with one hand, the other secured around his shoulders.

“I’m very sorry, too,” she spoke against his hair, her voice strained.

“No, I was supposed to be there for you. You told me you were not okay, I should’ve been there for you, I-I should’ve, should’ve,” she shushed him, wrapping both of her arms around him and bending forward to rest her head against his shoulder.

“Don’t,” she scolded softly, her constant tears probably wetting his hair as they ran down.

“Don’t lose yourself, okay?” She reminded him, her fingers running through his hair again as she stood up straight. She felt Changbin’s arms tighten a bit more.

“Stop worrying about me, think about yourself for once,” he sternly spoke, his voice rough. He refused to let go. He just needed a little bit more.

“I will,” she said nodding, even though he couldn’t see her and Changbin snorted.

“No, you won’t,” he spat out and she flinched because she knew it too but she decided not to say anything.

-

She had left after calming him down but to be honest, both of them knew the other broke down crying as soon as they were out of each other’s sight.

Changbin stared at his bedroom ceiling, staring at nothing in particular.

A knock at the door brought his attention to it, his eyes shifting to Bang Chan standing at the door.

The older walked in, a tight lipped smile on his lips as he handed a cold water bottle to his friend.

“Thanks, hyung,” Changbin smiled at him, sitting up and taking a sip of the water right away.

“Don’t worry, Bin. Everything will be okay,” he softly spoke, his hand comfortingly grasping Changbin’s shoulder, and the younger couldn’t help but nod, hopeful. Trusting his oldest friend.

“I hope so too,” he muttered.