herastoi:

I always wanted to be a party favor.

A small mega post paying respect to some beautiful mature black queens . I worship your superiority

Paying respect to some beautiful black church women on this Sunday morning. “I'mTheBlackWomansBitch”

I love mean old black women! “I'mTheBlackWomansBitch”

I absolutely am a Slut for BBC, and proud of it. Tho I love swallowing a load from a Black Man’s balls, there is something sexy slutty about getting it dumped on my face!

snowbunnybbzt3ss:

Daddy said I was made for black cock.

Maybe you’re my Sister.

Good boy. I Know my guy would if I was guiding his head, or feeding the dark meal to him.. I think that it’s not a gay thing, it a Bi fantasy…It’s about respect. Danny has told me that he’s so great full to Mr James, and his Black male associates for the pleasure they give me.

I’m at the bar enjoying the match, but I am surrounded by mediocre people. I despise these people

I don’t believe in friendship, I believe in collaboration

A slave who does not seek to escape from slavery deserves double slavery

standing at the crossroads: chapter 5

Captain Levi is your lover. But more importantly, he’s your superior, and you’re well prepared to follow him to hell if he needs you to. And when people start turning into titans, and every bloody death is one step closer to the truth, hell may be exactly where you’re going.

Chapter 4 | Series Masterlist

taglist: @whore-for-anime,@macaronnv,@sparklython,@marciabito,@rintarhoes, @honeycakiee, @dracq, @welcometofunkytown, @tokyo-banana, @andsothemonsterscrept, @c0urtn3y, @rukova, @deadlyaffairs, @yellowminb, @sempiternalxmusic, @lacheri, @midaribaby, @rawritzrobin, @meeraaa-17, @atinyarmyx1, @kissalix, @inaaavae, @castellandiangelo, @ackermandick, @missyasma, @tenaciouswritersheep, @notgoodforlife, @sakurashell, @lqme, @affection-thief

chapter warnings: female!reader, canon-typical violence, grief, survivor’s guilt, self-deprecating thoughts, blood

a/n:reader does a lot of thinking in this chapter lol. also hello. i’m so sorry for the late update. it’s been a hellish semester. i am graduating tomorrow, and i’m very excited.

People keep pushing you in their rush, but you still manage to weave through them easily enough, sidestepping and zigzagging the crowd. There is a steadily rising panic in the air, but for now, your heart isn’t beating madly nor are you frantic in your movements, just naturally rushed. Maybe you’ve just had so much excitement today that your ability to react appropriately has been shot, or maybe seeing everyone else so freaked out is having the opposite effect on you. Whatever it is, you’re grateful. Now is no time to get agitated, not when humanity’s fate is on the line.

“Captain.” You’re not even out of breath by the time you find the person you’ve been looking for. 

“I heard. I’m headed for the office they put Erwin in.” Without breaking step, you fall in next to him, swerving around all the people going both in the same and the opposite direction. “You got checked out, didn’t you? Can you ride?”

“Yes, sir.” Actually, you’re not even close to any kind of injured status. Just some minor scratches from the rocks. You’ve fought with worse. 

A peek outside the window shows you the sun has nearly set. Your heart pulses in fear—riding into titan country at night is terrifying, but there’s nothing else to be done. 

“Are you going to ride out too?”

“What kind of question is that?” Levi mutters.

“A fair one,” you argue, with conviction in your tone. He’s in no shape to fight. “I’ll follow you out, but—”

“Good to know.”

Your cheek twitches in irritation. It’s not the time to get all antsy with him. Right now is the time to follow orders and save people, get them inside the last wall. What Thomas said…well, it made you fairly certain that the titans were already deep inside Wall Rose. There must have been countless casualties already. Civilian casualties, which is a new world of horror that you’re decidedly not thinking about right now. Just like you’re not thinking about the ones in Stohess, or the way your friends were killed in the forest.

You don’t know when the right time is to think about these things, but it’s definitely not now.

“What do you need from me?”

After all, there’s no need for you to hear Commander Erwin’s debriefing (or, more likely, stand outside while Levi receives it), so you might as well stay busy.

Levi thinks for a second, then inclines his head, looking at you but more looking through you as he says, “Go help Hange. We’ll meet up later.”

Exhaling deeply, you take the promise for what it is and murmur a, “Yes, sir,” before separating from him. Lately, in these small moments together, it’s like you can hear the slow ticking of a clock, marking down the seconds. Reminding you that you don’t have many moments left. That any time you ride out could be your last.

Oh Rose, this isn’t a time to freak yourself out. Hange. You’re supposed to find Hange. She should have gotten some kind of office inside this base as well. Or a lab, at least.

Sure enough, when you follow the cracks in the walls, you find her, hunched over a desk observing something. Right as you enter, Moblit turns to exit. In his haste, he doesn’t see you over the large boxes he’s carrying.

The two of you crash. With a yelp, Moblit tips this way and that, sending the box at the top teetering over the edge, and then falling down to the ground. In a flash, you lean down and catch it, gasping as you look up at him. He stares with equally wide eyes.

“Oh, good, more hands!” Hange spares you a glance, unaware of the near accident. “(F/N), be a doll and help him move the boxes to the wagons, will you?”

“Yes, sir.” You exhale shakily, gazing meaningfully at Moblit. “Here, give me the other one. You grab more.”

He nods, dumping the weight into your arms. You grunt, but stand up straight as he scoops up the rest. Now that you’re seeing clearly, this room is only half a lab. The other half serves as storage. A peek down at the box tells you what you need to know. Emergency rations. Blankets, nonperishables, other things to hand out to refugees.

“We’ll fill up the wagons, but Hange, we’re going to leave soon, so please don’t take too long!”

“Mmhm!” She agrees so noncommittally that she may as well have just refused. 

“Section Commander!”

“I heard you!” Lifting her head up, she grins at you. “Times like this are when I hope he’s not this loud in bed.”

Moblit burns red and says, “Hange!” in the most scandalized voice you’ve ever heard. You chuckle softly, feeling your knuckles strengthen against the wood. Honestly, you really did need the major’s humor now more than ever. It’s comforting in times like this, when the one thing you can’t do is lose your head.

However, there’s also no time to dawdle. You and Moblit quickly rush out, running side by side to fill the wagon up. Even if all of them are filled to the brim, it won’t be enough. But still, something is better than nothing. If there are any boxes left within the base by the time you leave, you’ll consider the task failed.

Your mind is oddly blank. Which is surprising, considering that the last time you thought Wall Rose had been breached, you’d panicked and nearly been accused of treason, but things have changed, so a different attitude isn’t really that strange. The titans aren’t right at your doorstep, you’ll get a couple hours to prepare from the looks of it, and most importantly, you know that there’s someone who can stop the titans—Eren.

That is, if he manages to get back into top shape and transform without any complications. For now, all you can do is hope for the best. 

Oh, but hope is so dangerous. You know that more than ever now.

Dangerously addictive.

There’s a slight rattling, and you turn your head to realize it’s coming from the box in Moblit’s hands. More specifically, from how his hands are shaking the contents inside.

“Moblit.” You try to snap him out of it, but one measly call of his name doesn’t work. “Moblit! Hey, listen to me, Berner!”

An anxious face meets yours right as you drop the box onto the wagon. On it, you see stress like you’ve never known before. Moblit’s good on expeditions, better than someone who didn’t know him would expect. He’s like you in a way, worried beforehand but far more collected when there’s an actual fight. He’s been in the Survey Corp longer, even been Hange’s assistant longer than your entire Scouting career. You’ve seen his ugly side, when he snaps at a poor passerby because of the amount of work he has to do, or when he drinks one too many cups and Rashad and Abel have to haul him over their shoulders and carry him to bed. Everyone has ugly sides, his is actually relatively normal. 

But at the moment, you can’t let him freak himself out, because no doubt it’s contagious. “Just a couple boxes at a time, okay?” You place your hands on his shoulders. “Just keep going, fill up the wagon, and then we’ll head out. Yeah?”

He nods, but you keep a hold on him until he nods with more conviction. 

“I’m good,” he breathes, squeezing your palm as he pulls it off. Reassured, you start walking again, and he keeps up. “I hope the others are okay.”

The others. Nanaba, Gaelgar, Lynne and Henning. Mike. Mike Squad. Who are already down one person since Thomas is here.

“They’re fine.” You swallow. “They’ll be fine.”

The realist in you pleads for you not to throw around statements that you know can’t be proven, but imagining everything that could go wrong will hinder you, and you can’t afford to be hindered. 

So, you tell your head and your heart that they will be fine, and don’t budge from that singular thought.

A hand circles your wrist before you can try and find Levi amidst the chaos. “At least say goodbye,” Millie snipes crossly.

You do more than that. Hands on her back, you pull her in, fingers tightening into the curls on her nape. Hugging her feels like more than just a casual parting. It’s been three years since you’ve seen her, and now, you have no idea when the next time will be. For all you know, you’re going to be one of the lives lost in the attempts to reclaim Wall Rose. 

Millie knows that. She holds you quietly, like a friend, like a sister, more gentle than anyone’s ever been with you. She kisses your cheek and whispers, “Three pages. At least three pages next time. Okay?”

It’s a simple but effective way of telling you to stay alive. “I’ll do my best,” you murmur, mimicking the same words Levi had said to you the day Wall Maria fell. From personal experience, you know they’re not entirely reassuring, but they’re better than the alternative. Empty promises don’t do anyone any good.

“(L/N),” your captain’s voice calls you from a couple feet away, “time to go.” 

But Millie hangs on to you a couple seconds longer, and you don’t protest.

“Good luck,” she says in a hushed tone. You nod, giving her one last squeeze before separating. Almost naturally, the two of you salute each other, reminding both yourselves and the other which life you’ve chosen. 

And then you part from Millie, and rejoin your captain. He’d waited, even though you’re pressed for time. You suppose you should thank him for that, but he doesn’t spare you a moment to do anything of the sort before he’s debriefing you. Apparently, the commander thought it would be cute to form little groups. The two of you will be with Hange, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and—

“Pastor Nick?” 

He’s someone you’ve seen a couple times growing up. People are more religious within Wall Sina than they are in other parts of the walls, and even though your mother had always turned her nose up at the church, it’d be impossible for you to avoid them entirely. Over the years, they’d spread far and wide, and Pastor Nick was well known, so when he came to Stohess, everyone would be abuzz with excitement. More recently, you’d seen him at Eren’s trial, naturally on the side opposite the Scouts, the one that wanted Eren dead. 

The man gives you a short look. His brows furrow as though he recognizes you, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“Oh, good, you’re already acquainted!” Hange emerges from behind him, which is when you realize that the pastor doesn’t particularly look like he wants to be here. “Maybe you can get some information out of him, then.”

Your gaze goes from her to where Pastor Nick is averting his eyes, keeping them trained firmly on the ground. “What information?”

“It’s about our friend up inside the wall. See, Nick here knows something and refuses to tell us.”

Oh. The titan. It had been so bizarre that you’d elected to ignore it altogether. And then the news came about Wall Rose, so it had been the least of your worries. But now that you are thinking about it…

It’s deeply unsettling.

“Sorry, Major. My family wasn’t very well renowned by the church.” Then you address him directly. “Unless you’re feeling friendly?”

The only answer you get is a slight scoff. More of an answer than you anticipated, honestly. And you’re more tired than you expected yourself to be, so you don’t have the energy to push further. If Hange couldn’t crack him, then what are yourchances? 

Damn, you shouldn’t be this drained when there’s a fight coming. The fear, at the very least, should keep you from letting your guard down at the worst possible time. Maybe it’ll make up for the lack of sleep you’ve gotten in the past twenty-four hours.

All of you get in the cart. You’re smushed against the side, Levi on your left, then Pastor Nick, then Hange. Her squad is supposedly up the front with the commander, for whatever reason. You’re not going to try and figure out Erwin’s play. Not tonight. As Hange explains the situation with the pastor to the three teens, you focus on the hooves of the horses as they ride out of Stohess. 

Leaving this time hurts much worse than it did all those years ago. 

There goes the promise of a safe life. Right here, with Levi, is the rest of yours. 

Thing is, you think you’d feel just as much despair if you’d still been in Stohess and had to part from him as he left without you.

Your life companion. Your captain. Your superior. That’s better than any lousy husband or wife. Right? Right? Yeah. Right.

A part of you wonders if married couples that are in love ever feel the same disconnect that you do from Levi right now. You’re not angry with him, how could you be when he hasn’t done anything to hurt you? No, you’re angry with yourself, angry for letting him down, and he’s angry at you for being angry with yourself, and the whole thing is so, so stupid. 

If you weren’t in a moving cart with five other people, you think maybe you’d kiss him. You haven’t kissed him in…however long it’s been, it’s been too long. 

Titans. Titans are in Wall Rose. No kissing, no hugging, only fighting, only slicing their napes open. Again, and again, and again, until…until…

“To hell with that!” Eren snaps you out of your reverie as he stands, slamming his hands down on the table. “No, we’re doing this backwards! If this son of a bitch knows something, he needs to come out with it! Humanity’s on the brink of extinction and all you care about is keeping your oath?”

He falters, sitting back down with his hand on his face, in obvious pain. Mikasa fusses over him, and then you hear the familiar click of a gun. “There’s more than one way to get at the truth,” Levi mutters, “Granted, I may not be in top form at the moment, but it doesn’t take much strength to squeeze a trigger. That said, I’m genuinely hoping I won’t have to blow a hole in you to settle this. How about you?”

Your eyes flit down. In Levi’s hands, concealed by his black suit, is a flare gun. If the situation wasn’t so dire, you’d smile. Yeah, he’ll do a whole lot of damage with that. It does make you wonder, though. You know he’s killed people, but as far as you’re aware of, he hasn’t done that since he joined the Scouts. Though it’s not hard for you to imagine him as a killer, you surmise that he was quite a different person back then. Someone who wouldn’t have put up with your bullshit as lightly as he did. Well, if 4 AM drills and sparring sessions that ended with your uniform covered in dirt and mud counted as light. 

“Oi.” Levi’s elbow nudges yours. “Your hair.”

Concerned, you reach up to touch it, before realizing what he’s talking about. “Oh, I lost my tie during the fight. Didn’t have time to find another one before we left.” It’s a hassle fighting without your hair tied up, you know from all the times it’s come loose on missions. Sometimes, you’d keep spares in your satchel. 

Levi reaches inside his suit. From a pocket, he pulls out a tie, flicking his thumb to throw it to you.

As you catch it, you feel Mikasa’s eyes on you, but you try not to call more attention to the gesture than needed.

However, you do get the several meanings behind it. 

You’d never been aware that he carried spare hair ties for you, aside from the few times during expeditions you specifically asked him to. When it became a regular habit, you don’t know. So it’s sweet, in a sense, that he’s come to anticipate such a minor need of yours. If several years in the military had left you an optimist, you’d even consider it romantic. But since the beginning, in fact, dating back to your very first encounter with him, Levi had insisted that you tie your hair up. You’d started doing it then to get in his good graces, so he’d agree to train you. And over time, it just became natural. You’d even grown to prefer it that way.

Levi, though? Levi had made it quite obvious that he didn’t prefer it that way. Levi, who always made a point to undo your bun and run his fingers through your loose hair, despite him being the one who pushed you to start wearing it like that. Levi, who’d given you several bruises and cuts with his rigorous training sessions, but who kissed the cuts on your hands with a look of deep guilt, like he himself had carved them there. Levi, who’d told you he’d wipe your smile from your face but then later said he wanted to bring it back. Always contradicting himself. The separation of being Captain Levi and being your captain, a distinction that neither he nor you could ever quite figure out.

Him giving you the hair tie is a gesture that tells you he’s asking you to be professional, strong, tough—a soldier, with her hair tied up. The woman he loves, the one in his arms with her hair down, is not needed, as much as he clearly hates pushing her away. 

You reach up and tug your hair into a bun in one fluid motion, and wonder if it’s possible for that woman to die completely, and just how much Levi would miss her if she did.

You’re starting to get sick and tired of revelations.

One, the walls are made up of titan material. Whatever the hell that means. The important thing is that Eren might be able to harden too, and Wall Rose could be saved if he could manage to plug up the hole.

Two,little Krista Lenz who came by your usual workout spot to ask for tips and tricks was far, far more valuable than she let on. How and why, Pastor Nick refused to say, but clearly seeing all the people desperately fleeing their homes did a number on him. Probably the same number seeing Wall Maria falling did on you.

And so the little group Commander Erwin has put together must split up before even going on their first mission. Levi orders Armin to be clever, Mikasa to be strong, and then—

“Don’t screw this up,” he tells Eren coldly, and you frown from the corner you’re standing in.

That’s unnecessarily harsh, and you know you’re not one to talk, when your teammates literally made up a nickname for you based on how emotionless you get outside the walls. And you know Levi had to cut Eren out of his titan because he’d been about to consume the Female Titan. But as far as you can see, Eren hasn’t done anything malicious, and he’s doing pretty well for a literal fifteen year old who hasn’t been given an instruction manual on his newfound powers.

But you keep your mouth shut because…well, because you’re not trying to argue with Captain Levi right now. 

He turns to you and you salute, spine straight. “Sir. Shall I accompany Hange Squad?”

Levi and Hange look at each other, exchanging a few silent sentences, until Hange nods and orders Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and the brown-haired girl who entered earlier to follow her out. Similarly, you and Moblit communicate with just a few expressions, and with a simple breath, he nods his head. You’re good. You’re both good. He follows her out and you release an exhale that you didn’t know you’d inhaled.

“You’ll stay with me, for now.” At your questioning glance, he continues, “We still don’t know the situation with the titans. There’s no need to put all the non-invalid soldiers in one location.”

Right. That makes sense. Still, you can’t help the fleeting need to go to Utgard Castle with the rest, just so…

So you can see if Mike Squad is alright.

But of course they are. They’re just as good as you in terms of skill—

And look where the rest of your squad ended up.

No, no, no. Ever since Eren has shown up and turned everything on its heel, you haven’t known what the right balance is between reckless optimism and counterproductive pessimism, but anything aside from total neutrality is distracting. Destructive, even. 

Shaking your head, you focus up. “And where will we be heading, sir?”

Before Levi can answer, someone else does.

“Trost.” Commander Erwin steps into the room, looks between the two of you, then settles on Levi. “We should arrive there by daybreak.” His gaze trails down to the captain’s leg, despite the other man’s slight scowl when he notices the motion. “Still fine to keep riding, Levi?”

“Yeah.” Levi’s jaw is set. “Go. We’re right behind you.”

To his credit, you really are. Hardly a minute passes after Erwin leaves before you’re preparing your horses. As you give Horsey an apple from his saddlebag, you note that Levi is already seated and ready to go. 

Ever the fighter.

He’s not a perfect soldier. No, he’s far too disgruntled of a person for that. But, and you can’t help the resentment you feel towards the commander, Levi is the perfect weapon. Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. 

That doesn’t mean he can’t just…break, one day. 

You’ve seen the ugly sides. His nightmares, tears, and breakdowns. Sometimes it would be natural, the both of you twisting and turning in your sleep after a particularly gruesome mission, suffering with similar demons. And other times, months after an incident, you’d find Levi’s cheeks stained with tears that you’d dutifully wipe off until they stopped coming. 

When he’s already given his very soul to the cause, what more does the commander want from him? His limbs? His life?

“Captain, if we do run into titans…” You wait until the both of you are mounted to ask. “What exactly will you do?”

He’llfight, you tell yourself, of course he’ll fight. He’s no quitter.

Levi gives you a long, hard look. “I suppose I’ll get eaten.”

And you think you physically feel the ripple of anguish travel through your veins at the very prospect. 

“That was a joke,” he quips dryly, tugging the reins, “let’s move out.”

Many people have told you that you have shitty humor, the captain included. But you don’t think any one of your jokes has ever left such a sour taste in someone’s mouth. 

Shit, you are not this sensitive. Life is changing all around you, but you refuse to let it turn you into something you’re not.

Even though a creeping voice in the back of your head tells you that you already have.

Fucking Maria, Levi should just leave the humor to you.

By the time the news arrives at Trost, you’re close to chewing off your nails in frustration.

You think it’s the first time you’ve seen Pyxis really look his age. Tired, weary, and very much like he’d enjoy sleeping the day away.  “I see,” he says to the panting messengers in front of him, “no breach as far as you can tell, correct?”

“That’s correct, sir.”

“Hm. As I thought.”

The brown-haired girl who you’d seen leave with Hange earlier makes a face and whimpers when the water in her flask runs empty. You give her yours, and she beams appreciatively while the other soldier continues.

“But, sir!” he cries. “A situation has developed. You see, we ran into another group on the way back to Trost. It was the Scout unit led by Section Commander Hange.” Your ears perk, and your nerves stand on edge. Had something happened to Hange’s group? “There were recruits from the 104th Cadet Corp with them, none of whom had equipment! This may sound crazy, sir, but three of them were—”

Oh,no. You didn’t want to hear it.

“—titans!”

The tiny headache forming from the lack of sleep and general tenseness of the situation increases tenfold. 

Fuck the titans. 

Erwin has a hand on Jean’s shoulder, holding him back from being rash. With a sharp tone, he questions, “What happened when their titan forms were revealed?”

You’re ready to panic.

“The Scouts faced them. The Armored Titan, and the Colossal, head on. But by the time our unit arrived on the scene, it was…too late. I’m sorry.”

Everyone falls into a brief silence, but that’s not enough for you. “Too late? Too late for what? Major Hange’s dead?”

“N-no!” he stutters, and both agitation and relief bloom inside your chest. “No, what happened is—”

“What about Mike Squad?”

“I-I’m not sure, sir—”

“Dammit, how many people were killed!?”

“(L/N).”

Not the drawl that you’re used to hearing your name in such a commanding way from, your head jerks to the side in surprise at the commander, who’s giving you that look he always gives you, like you’re a nuisance he can’t be bothered to deal with. 

“Perhaps it’s best if you go sit in the cart and await further instructions.”

His.

Fucking.

Nerve.

To do this in front of a group of soldiers, in front of Pyxis, your old commander. Holy Rose, he should have stayed your commander, because if you’d never left the Garrison, you wouldn’t have to get so involved in this utter bullshit. You wouldn’t be standing here being benched like you were a goddamn cadet and not a fully grown woman with an alarmingly excellent titan kill rate. You wouldn’t be getting humiliated by a man who has always seen you as nothing more than an unreliable burden. 

“Is that an order?” It takes every muscle in your body to prevent your teeth from clenching. “Sir?”

He stares at you for a moment, but then, deciding he can’t be bothered, looks back down at the frantic soldier, motioning for him to go on.

“Eren Jaeger was taken. Some people were wounded, and two Scouts were killed.”

That’s not good enough. But it is for Erwin, apparently, because he nods, albeit with a newfound tense expression on his face. Tense doesn’t even begin to describe what you’re feeling right now.

If Eren really was kidnapped, then…then, what did you lose your squad for? What would these new—or old—enemies do with him? And really, how long can you stand here thinking of what-if scenarios while everything goes straight to shit?

Not long, it appears. “All personnel, prepare to ride out!” Erwin booms, brushing past the group that’s gathered around him. Jean moves to talk to the brown-haired girl, who doesn’t seem to have any intentions of giving you your flask back. It’s fine, water seems like a relatively useless need right now. 

Just as you’re about to mount your horse, you hear the commander behind you.

“Not you. I want you to stay here.”

For a horrible second, you think he’s talking to you, but when you turn, it’s Levi who’s being told to stay behind, raising an appraising scowl to his commander’s order. “And when things take a turn for the worse out there, who do you expect to take on the Armored and Colossal?”

“Someone who has a functioning leg,” is Erwin’s smarmy response. Levi scoffs, loudly, but you’ve never seen him disobey a direct order from Erwin, and today is no different. Neither man is wrong. Levi can hardly fight when it pains him just to walk, and Erwin knows fully well that even with an injury, Levi still has far more fighting prowess than anyone else in the military.

Except maybe, over the years, you’re not quite the selfish person you used to be, but only because you’ve developed a certain different type of selfishness. A selfishness that calls to you, whispers oh so discreetly.

Humanity may fall, but at least Levi will be safe.

There it is, the bane of your existence.

And so you say nothing, knowing that it could very well mean failure.

“Erwin,” Levi says, now facing your shoulder with his back to Erwin. Jerking his head, he continues, “Take this one with you.”

“Naturally, she’ll ride alongside the rest—”

“No,” he retorts, “take her withyou.”

For once, you have no idea what game Levi is playing. Neither does Erwin, it looks like, but he nods curtly either way. “Fall into formation besides me,” he tells you, “make it quick.”

Then he begins to walk away, leaving you to give Levi a confuddled look. “Why did you—”

He seizes your arm, so tightly that it would hurt if your tolerance to pain wasn’t high, and so harshly that someone would think you had been insubordinate. 

“Bring him back alive.” He murmurs the command into your ear. “No matter what it takes.”

He lets you go after that, brushing past your shoulder without any other words. And while you didn’t hope for or expect a tearful goodbye or even a wish of good luck, you didn’t think you’d be left with this.

Because even if he didn’t intend it, Levi’s words carry a second meaning, one that you hear loud and clear.

This time, don’t fail.

Hange’s face looks almost natural with burns. You’re almost certain you’ve seen the sight before, but it doesn’t make it any less disturbing. However, it’s extremely relieving to see that the burns don’t stop her from barking out orders, or from using her wonderful brain to locate exactly where Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover might have taken Eren. From beside you, Moblit squeezes your shoulder affectionately, in what you interpret as a returned favor for before.

The time crunch rings, both in your head and on Mikasa’s face. Sundown. You have till sundown.

“Hey.” In your rush, you run up to a boy with a buzzcut, aware that standing outside the wall is not ideal for having a conversation, but you can’t wait, and Moblit and Hange are too busy. Besides, the horses are still being transferred, and your query will only take a second. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you. But I was told you were at Utgard Castle with Mike Squad. Springer, right?”

“Uh, yes, Connie Springer, sir!” He salutes. “I mean, ma’am!” 

You don’t really have a preference.

“I…” Your breath catches in your throat, dry from how terrified you are to hear his answer. “I don’t see Mike Squad around. Did you—did you separate from them, by any chance?”

Springer’s face turns pale.

A low thud settles in your stomach. “All of them?” you ask quietly, allowing yourself to despair.

“All of them,” he says, clearly regretful, with downcast eyes, “we saw all of them, you know…except Section Commander Mike. He went off on his own, but he never returned.” At the thought of Humanity’s Second Strongest dying all alone, out there somewhere with no one coming to his aid, you could swear the world stops. You were never close to him, but he was so strong, and if he couldn’t make it, then what chance did the rest of you have?

And the others. Gaelger, the only person who could realistically challenge Moblit to a drinking competition. Henning, always a calm presence around the base, excellent at puzzles. And Lynne, so good with kids and the elderly, a natural soldier because of the goodness in her heart.

Nanaba, your favorite sparring partner.

“They fought till the end,” Springer mumbles, “they protected us.”

“That was their job,” you respond dully, “I’m glad. Glad they dedicated their hearts.”

Only for Eren to get captured and for everything to go straight to hell anyways.

You exhale shakily. Another elite squad, plucked off like nothing, for no reason. Your response to Connie is what you’re supposed to say, what the commander would say. What you want to say is that at the end, you wish they had strayed. You wish they had prioritized their own lives.

And speaking of the commander…

“Sir.” You meet him at the bottom of the wall, gingerly landing on the grass. You’re not sure how to put it, but he’s never been delicate with you, so you see no reason why you should spare him either. “Aside from Thomas, Mike Squad has been wiped out.”

Not a single flinch, or change in his carefully crafted expression. “Yes, I heard. Anything else?”

Section Commander Mike was your friend. Don’t you want to cry for him?

“I assume you were informed of this Beast Titan?”

“Yes. That’s not our primary goal right now, however. If we don’t recover Eren, then another titan shifter will be the least of our problems.”

Are you like me? Incapable of mourning, too focused on just doing the task in front of us?

Perhaps you don’t want to be similar to a man so many people consider a monster. Not much further from a titan himself—rather, their number one meal supplier.

Could you have made the call to send them all to their deaths? No, would you? If you get annoyed by anyone else questioning your capabilities instead of your willingness, it should apply to yourself as well.

You don’t know. You don’t really know anything anymore.

It feels wrong to be riding outside Wall Rose, without Petra and Eld on either side of you, without Levi in front. Not just the spirit of it, but physically. Your head keeps jerking to your right involuntarily, then angrily refocusing forward when you don’t see the sight you’re accustomed to. 

Your heart goes thump, thump, thump.

The only comfort you have is that if you crane your neck just slightly, you can see Ricky behind you on the far left, and he dutifully raises a hand in acknowledgement every time he notices you looking. A gesture that you return in kind, knowing that being able to see each other during missions is a rare luxury. With so many soldiers from the Garrison and Military Police coming along, there wasn’t any time to explain the long distance formation to them. It’s risky, but efficient.

The Scouts on the outliers still spread out a bit to send smoke signals back to command. You notice Commander Erwin never gives the order out for anyone else to shoot a green flare, always choosing to do it himself. His usually pristine blonde hair now has some wisps decorating his forehead, but other than that, he’s solemn, serious, and it’s hard to hate him for essentially killing people when he always leads the charge himself.

It’s hard, but you can still manage it. Fuck him.

Especially because even as red flares fill the sky, he never strays too far from the path, no matter what it costs. And no hesitation. No crack. Nothing, absolutely nothing—

“What the hell!?”

Gaping, everyone looks up, where red flares have started to fill the sky. Not from a single direction, but from everywhere.

“Commander Erwin!” one of his men cry. “We’re surrounded!” 

Thumpthumpthump.

“There is a way around. Should we head towards it?”

It’s a pointless question. The forest is close, Eren is just out of reach. Erwin would never let that kind of chance pass away, regardless of how many lives he damned in the process. “Soldiers!” he yells out. “Prepare to fight!”

Good thing you’ve been preparing all day. Finally, that tension, that anger, that overwhelming need to do something, is given an outlet. Leaning forward until you’re almost flat, you push your horse further, following the commander straight into the fray. 

Titans, all waiting in front of you, make a gleeful charge. 

Cries of war behind you.

A flash of lightning bursts through the air in the middle of the forest, halting both titans and humans as everyone is momentarily distracted by the sight and sound.

Amidst the gasps, Armin’s voice rings out clearly. “I think someone’s transforming into a titan!”

The odds of it being someone on your side is 50/50, and you really don’t like those odds.

“Soldiers, disperse!” the commander booms. “The enemy has assumed titan form! Find Eren and get him out of there! Battle is not our objective! Locate, recover, and retreat!”

Several cables shoot into the sky, and the itch for a fight makes you slip your fingers into the holster, gliding over the lever and ready to fire.

Erwin looks back. “We forge ahead this way! Do not engage ODM gear unless you need to!”

The two men behind him echo, “Yes, sir!” 

You don’t.

Whynot?

There’s no reason not to!

But before you can protest, he fires off another green smoke signal, not to redirect the group, but to catch the attention of the titans. You don’t understand, is he using himself as bait?

Your horse squeals as one of the titans dives on its stomach, barely missing you with its mouth. On instinct, you swing your arm behind you, gasping, release the blade, and send it flying straight towards the titan’s eye, which it heads dead on, forcing the creature to abandon its prey so that it can regenerate.

“Commander!” Your shriek is breathless. “What are you doing?”

Of course, he doesn’t see fit to respond. Not to you. Because you’re his soldier. Because you’re a Scout. Because you’re supposed to dedicate your heart.

Except he’s wrong. You’re not dedicated to his stupid fucking cause, you couldn’t care less about discovering the world or eliminating all the titans or achieving freedom. You don’t follow Erwin, you don’t follow the Scouts, you follow Levi. Because you admire him, because you love him.

And you’re not going to die because Erwin commanded it. 

But…

But.

Levi told you—ordered you—to keep Erwin alive, no matter what. His not being here cannot diminish the weight his words carry for you. And they won’t. They won’t, they won’t, they won’t!

“Lily!”

Hundreds of people must be screaming. They’re screaming because most of them are dying. But out of all of it, the fear and blood and catastrophe, you somehow make out Ricky’s voice exceptionally clearly.

Your head turns, and your eyes widen.

Lily?

Tears gush from her eyes. Her cheeks are bright red, and as the sword she was holding collapses to the ground she clasps her hands together in what looks like a prayer, but really, she’s just holding her hands to her heart.

“I love you!” she screams, voice tearing from deep within her. “I lovey—”

That’s the last thing she says before she’s eaten.

And the subject of her confession, Ricky Belle, screams equally as loud. 

Time freezes.

Ricky’s lost her. He’s crying, running head on to get his revenge.

You have to help him. If he fights like this, he won’t make it. You have to go after him.

But.

“Bring him back alive.”

No. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were never supposed to choose.

Protecting one person was protecting the next. So how is it possible that you have to choose now to either help your best friend, who just lost his girlfriend, or to keep following the commander, the very reason for her untimely death? 

And all because of Levi’s orders? Do they outweigh the life of your best friend?

Sickeningly—

You realize they do.

You can’t even shut your eyes to hide the terror that envelopes you. Fear of the titans. Fear of yourself. 

Unsure which is greater, all you can do is stare straight ahead as you leave Ricky behind.

There’s another flash of lightning. For the first time in your life, you gaze upon the Armored Titan, leaving the forest with Eren in tow. 

“Right!” Erwin bellows, raising his sword. “Let the titans chase you! All squads, follow my lead!”

With a repulsive crack of your heart, you register that he hadn’t even noticed Lily’s death. Because of course he didn’t.

“Erwin!” someone roars. “You conniving bastard!”

Amidst the dust and wind beating at your face, you face the fact that you just left your Ricky to die. 

You’ve set yourself on this path, to make sure that Erwin comes back alive.

Death erupts around you, cruel and twisted and terrible, as everyone begins to engage. Erwin shouts orders left and right, and it’s only your instincts and your horse that manage to keep you alive as he fires another flare, directing the attention of the titans exactly where he wants them.

“You’re insane,” you wail under your breath. He doesn’t even hear you. “You’re off your fucking rocker.”

If you were as brave as you used to be, and not so focused on the horrible happenings enveloping the plain, you’d say it louder.

It only takes a few terrifying minutes for the next order to come down. “Squadrons, break! Make the titans scatter!”

Oh, fuck. You actually scream this time, barely ducking out of the way from giant flailing hands, gripping onto the reins of your horse with one hand as you begin to slash wildly with the other. It doesn’t make more than a few cuts, but it prevents you from getting cut as you stay right on Erwin’s trail.

The world, usually green and blue and everything in between, is a disgusting shade of orange uniforms spattered with red.

Jean is who you catch sight of first as Erwin abruptly slows for a second. The new Scout looks queasy as he stares upon the titans descending on the Armored. Voice trembling, he asks, “Is this hell?”

“Not yet. But it will be,” the commander promises, riding forward. You gasp sharply, only inches behind him. “All soldiers, charge! We’ve come to the moment of truth! Mankind’s fate is decided now! There is no future in which we reclaim these lands without Eren, and there never will be! Go! Recover Eren from the Armored Titan and retreat!”

Well. You’d always known it was going to end like this.

“Your heart and soul to the cause!”

For a beat, you feel nothing. There is absolutely nothing left in you to give to Erwin’s cause.

Then, as you ride, you spot something.

Or more accurately, someone.

Banana-colored hair. Flying up through the sky and advancing straight forward. 

The feeling rushes back to you all at once. Erwin cries, “Advance!” but instead of being focused on him or on Eren, it takes everything in you to not let the lump in your throat overwhelm you right then and there. Ricky’s alive. You didn’t abandon him to die, he made it.

So relieved are you that you forget your mission.

It happens all at once. In the blink of an eye. You almost miss it.

Until you hear the ground-shattering screech. 

“Commander Erwin!”

In what is possibly your darkest moment, you think this could be amusing. That’s the arm he salutes with.

It’s barely registered in your mind before you hear Erwin scream, “I said advance, goddammit! Eren’s right in front of you! Do not falter!”

And well, you don’t really know if he seriously expects you to obey that order.

“No matter what it takes.”

You’re flying off your horse, with your old instructor’s instructions from the first day of ODM training ringing in your ear. Never. Ever. Fly Backwards. 

Distributing your weight, you flip back, one sword gripped tightly in both hands. With a crunch, it digs into the titan’s flailing arm, slowing your descent. If you were Levi, you could roll around the arm and slice it clean off, but since you’re not, you use the sword lodged into the titan’s arm to propel yourself up towards its shoulder. 

If you can grab any part of its skin, you’ll have the chance to take out another sword. If you can just—get—high enough—

The benefit of having grabbed the commander by its mouth is that the titan has both its hands free. 

The other one comes swooshing down to grab you, and you—perhaps stupidly—let it, latching onto a finger and taking a blade out without the holster to stab into its palm.

As you drop, your fingers dig into the blade, drawing blood. Without even looking at them, you shoot your wires as high as you can, and suddenly you’re running up the titan’s stomach—

Without anything to keep it from carving into your hand, you slice the titan’s neck, and the air splatters with both of your blood. Right as it starts to topple, Commander Erwin severs his own arm and free falls towards the ground.

Sliding around the dropping titan’s neck, you grab onto him, before landing in a rough but otherwise safe landing. 

Erwin’s torso is stained with your blood. And his arm is stained with his own.

There’s so much of it, you note as you bite down the familiar nausea.

“We need to get you out of—”

“What were you thinking!?” he roars, cutting you off. “Your orders were to retrieve Eren! Between two people, you save the one who’s irreplaceable!”

Not the thank you that you with your bloody palms think you deserve.

“I don’t care what Captain Levi told you.” His eyes are wild in a way that you’ve never seen. “Right now, your orders come from me.” And before you can even comprehend that he somehow knew about Levi’s orders, he’s pointing his good hand towards the hoard of titans swarming the Armored. “Get me there. Immediately.”

Go fuck yourself, is on the tip of your tongue. Instead you raise your fingers to your mouth and whistle, hauling Erwin onto your horse behind you and heading into the fray.

It all passes in a flash. People dying, titans dying, it’s all hazy against the red blurring your vision. Like the opposite of an out of body experience, you only feel the physical, the way your body jolts with each step forward, how the blood warms your hands, Commander Erwin holding tight onto you with one arm. That pressure leaving when he, without any indication, shoots up to slice right through the straps holding Eren hostage against someone.

If this man doesn’t stop falling, you’re going to have a very serious talk with whoever raised him.

“All soldiers, retreat!”

You’re not even going to bother to believe that you can make it out that easy. And sure enough, the large body that the Armored Titan throws your way proves you absolutely right.

Both you and Erwin are blasted off from the impact. You think you hear something crack and hope it’s not your own bones.

“Shit,” you hiss, struggling to stand. You have to escort Erwin out. Now.

“Commander!” someone else cries. Erwin says something, but there’s a ringing in your ear that drowns it out. 

As you sit up, you take notice of a few things.

One, no one nearby is going to come to your aid. 

Two, titans are now closing in.

“Dammit, Levi,” you mutter under your breath, “you asshole.”

You stand.

“(L/N)!” The commander is gripping his ripped sleeve in obvious concealed agony. “Find Eren and get out of here!”

“I have to—”

Out of nowhere, he grabs the front of your collar. “What you have to do is listen!”

In that moment, he sounds so much like your mother that the anger that has been building for years finally erupts.

“Shut up,” you let out with gritted teeth, seizing his arm and yanking it off. “I don’t care about what you think I have to do. I was told to bring you back alive, so I do not care who lives and who dies, I am going to make sure you get back to base, and I don’t care what you have to say about that, so for once in your life, shut up!”

And then you look up at the titans with your last set of blades and get ready. 

You don’t care what he says. You don’t care about how your body aches. You don’t care that somewhere deep within you, a girl is shrieking that you’re going to die. She’s pleading with you that no one, not even Levi, is worth your life.

Just like with the commander, you tell her to shut up.

Time to go out in a blaze of glory.

A tremor starts—it begins at your feet, but jolts through you like an electric shock. Everyone in your line of vision looks like they’re experiencing something similar, and strangely enough, so do the titans. Not even sparing you a glance, they begin to turn and rush towards the same place.

Not towards a person, but towards another titan.

Honestly, you don’t have the energy to question it.

Thankfully, Horsey is unarmed. “Good boy,” you whisper shakily, pulling the commander on once more. “Let’s go.”

On the way back, you see Ricky, still alive. You see Eren, up and kicking. You’re not sure if you retain the right to feel relieved, but that doesn’t stop the feeling either way.

Titans are humans.

Hange gives this disturbing discovery as you all stand in Commander Erwin’s room, next to Connie Springer, who looks more horrified than all of you combined. After hearing his story, you can’t even imagine how you’d compose yourself if you were in his shoes.

Hange assures everyone she’ll escort Connie out. Pyxis heads out next, giving you a nod and a pat on the shoulder from where you’re standing by the wall. Finally, Levi stands, and you prepare to follow him out until Erwin speaks up.

“Lieutenant. Stay for a few minutes, please. I’d like to talk.”

Levi’s brows raise, and if you weren’t so baffled you’d smirk. This is the first and only time Erwin has ever: one, not kicked you out of a meeting, and two, asked for a private word afterwards.

“Right. I’ll wait outside,” Levi murmurs to you lowly. You nod, curt, as he shuts the door behind him.

After he leaves, you face the large bed with a salute. The entire ride back to base, he’d said nothing directly to you, although you’d imagine that once the adrenaline wore off, the pain finally set in, not that he displayed any. All the soldiers that had rushed him once you were over the wall were far more concerned about his state than he was. He’d asked for Hange, but she too had been placed under the care of medics to treat her burns.

Still, even afterwards, when he had plenty of time to reprimand you in front of both Levi and Pyxis, the commander said nothing. Maybe the revelations and plans were at the front of his mind, but could you telling the leader of the Survey Corp to shut up really just go unpunished?

Well, if that had been the case, you wouldn’t be standing here. This might be the moment you’re finally kicked out of the military; you have been testing the waters for years.

Erwin breaks the silence. “Thank you.”

You don’t let yourself get hopeful. But?

“But you should have saved Eren,” he concedes. “I understand Levi gave you a certain task, however, outside the walls, you listen to your direct superior.”

Maybe it’s not even worth pretending that you’re taking his words to heart. There’s no way he believes the insincere nod you give him. He must know that if you had to repeat the day over, you’d make the same decision. “How did you know about that, sir, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I know Levi,” he responds cryptically, and at your dubious look he reveals, “And he wasn’t that quiet.”

You’d thought Levi had been pretty quiet. “You were eavesdropping.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“It is if people have secrets.”

“And you do, don’t you, Lieutenant?”

Dammit, you knew he knew. “I have no idea what you mean, sir.”

His gaze passes over you. “For the longest time, (F/N)—” For some reason, the use of your first name makes you stand up straighter. “I couldn’t figure you out. But I think I have, now. Or I did, on the battlefield.”

Now why in the world would he be paying attention to you when there were so many lovely titans to focus on instead? You don’t care for theatrics, when they’re not your own at least. “I’ve told you before that there’s nothing to figure out that you don’t already know, sir. Fickle heart, right?”

You don’t mean for the last part to slip out. It’s bitter, the one thing you’ve always remembered he said about you. The one thing you’ve always remembered whenever you’re either saving someone or killing a titan, pushing his cause forward. 

He leans forward. “That’s one thing I can apologize for.”

Your tongue clicks. “What were the other candidates?”

“The 57th expedition, for one. Do not think I took that loss lightly.” He sighs. “They were remarkable soldiers.”

No, they were so much more than that.

“Or maybe for leading you into a situation where you had to make a decision between staying with me or helping your friend.”

This makes you stop. He’d seen you abandon Ricky? Someone had been a witness to what could easily be one of the worst things you’ve ever done?

“Or…” And at this he looks you straight in the eye. “Maybe you’d like me to apologize for Stephen Hansen.”

Your veins turn to ice.

He knows his name?

There’s no way.

“You expect me to believe you remember him? That you didn’t just find an old file so that you could bring him up?”

“Maybe you’ll be surprised to learn, but I didn’t derive any pleasure from seeing him eaten.” Erwin doesn’t remove his hard gaze. “I didn’t know that stopping in that city would lead to his death.”

“But it did.” After holding it in for so long, you finally accuse him. “It did, and you never took responsibility.” Really, you’re not sure what taking responsibility looks like in this kind of situation, but you have to level some kind of crime at him, otherwise you’ll be just like him, pointlessly blaming the titans. “You can’t possibly remember every single person who’s died for you.”

He doesn’t disagree. “I don’t. But I do remember him. Does that convince you that I’m telling the truth? It doesn’t matter. Whether or not you believe me is irrelevant. The point is, if I start apologizing for every death I’ve caused, I’ll sit here forever, and even if you believe that’s fair punishment, the hard reality of our situation is that there’s no time to sit and apologize, not if we want to move forward.”

“Oh, right. The mantra that you both live by.” The mantra you could never live by. It makes you smile tightly. “No regrets. It must be a real easy way to deal with all the guilt, right?”

“Do you think so? Tell me, in all the nights you’ve spent with him, how many nightmares has he had?”

It truly does offend you that he thinks you’re this stupid, but you simply stress your point, more strained this time, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”

“You don’t,” he repeats.

“No.” 

“I don’t need your confirmation, you do understand that, correct?”

Yes, you do understand that. It’s more of a petty thing at this point.

“Alright. Let’s say I do apologize for Stephen Hansen. For Petra Ral, for Oluo Bozado, for Eld Jinn, and for Gunther Schultz. I can go on. But none of them are who I’d like to discuss with you.”

Oh, so there is a point to this.

“I’d like to discuss Captain Levi.”

That is probably the most jarring thing he’s said in the last few minutes. There is no way that the purpose of this visit can actually be to grill you on a relationship that he has no evidence to prove. “I don’t know how many times I have to say—”

“You obeyed his orders out there. Not mine.”

“Yes, sir.” Perhaps Yes, Commander No-Shit might be more appropriate.

“You care for him.”

“He is my superior,” you answer carefully.

“What would you be willing to do for him?”

You blink. “Excuse me?”

“I do realize that his orders take priority over mine. However, I have a certain set of orders that I’d like you to follow, and I think you’ll do it without too much persuasion on my part.”

There’s no response to this, not until you hear what exactly the orders are, so you just wait for him to continue.

“I’d like you to put that loyalty to good use. Protect him the way you protected me out there.”

Ironically, this is the first thing in days that has made you laugh. It’s a full blown one too, if a bit sarcastic. The familiar feeling of lightness in your stomach, one you’ve missed sorely, returns with force.

“Commander,” you inform him with a bright grin, “With years of experience, I can safely tell you that Captain Levi doesn’t need anyone protecting him. I could train for a lifetime and his skills would still surpass mine. I’ve never seen a single titan that he couldn’t kill.”

“Titans, yes.” Raising his arm, the commander points his hand at the window, middle and index finger extended. “But even Levi can’t do anything to stop a speeding bullet if he can’t see it coming.”

The smile vanishes from your face.

“What will you do then?” he asks. “What will you do when there is a bullet headed towards him, and no amount of skill will stop it?”

There’s only one correct answer. It settles in, a newfound, heavy weight on your chest.

You step between Erwin’s hand and the window, blocking him from the sunlight, and meeting his eyes with all your conviction.

If all he needs is a body, then, for Levi, you’ll gladly step in.

“Right.” Erwin looks grim, but satisfied. “I’m sorry to put you in this position.”

Somehow, you don’t think he really is sorry, but what’s more is you don’t want him to be. He’s right, he has so much to apologize for that it would be ridiculous to actually demand it, but this does not fall into the list. All for one reason.

“Thank you.”

He raises one of those large brows. “For?”

“I understand you now too.” You give him the first heartfelt salute that you’ve ever afforded him. “Thank you for not letting Levi go with the rest of us. Thank you for caring about him.”

Nodding shortly, he says, “Likewise.”

So the two of you are similar to each other, after all. Not just because you’re monsters, but because you’re actually not as monstrous as either of you would like to believe.

Levi doesn’t ask what you and the commander discussed. You think it’s because he really doesn’t want to know. Smart.

He leads you to his office, face twisting in slight pain every few seconds whenever he puts too much weight on his leg.

“Captain.” Once the door is closed, you reach out for him. “Sir, please sit.”

Before you can make contact, he beats you to it, nudging you back until you’re seated against his desk. Ignoring your bafflement, he takes your hands and begins to unwrap the bandages, reaching to pull out a clean one from his drawer.

Throughout it all, he’s silent, and so are you. You watch him as he gives you his entire attention, carefully cleaning your cuts before starting to apply the new bandages. It hits you, the thought—you don’t deserve this—but you don’t say it, wanting to feel his touch for as long as you can. Because now you know time is even more limited than you thought.

“Will you not even look at me?” you ask quietly when he’s done. 

Without obliging you, he answers, “We haven’t spoken since you came back. I assumed you didn’t want to.”

“Of course I do. I always want to talk to you. I just thought…”<