#tc community
Guys.
I feel really, really guilty about loving him.
It is getting to the point it makes me sick, you know? I cannot really tell him either… and that is the part that makes me sick. What if I told him and he leaves? I don’t want to lose his friendship. I don’t want to make it awkward… or ruin anything…
I think it would alleviate a lot of my mental pain, specifically in our situation, if I told him my honest feelings towards him. Which includes the times I love him as a parental figure, as well as the times I love him for being him.
But like I said, I don’t want to lose him. For all the bad times, there have been a million good times that have been overlooked because of my insecurities. I don’t think it is fair the way I treat him for my own feelings. Most of my “anger” towards him is because of the guilt. Why do I love a guy who’s already happy?
I fell in love with every part about him. His gorgeous smile. His beautiful eyes. His little quirks. His abundant intelligence. His warm voice, and the way he says my full name. His different, more higher pitched voice when he is upset, or doesn’t want to do something. His little nicknames he gives me, and the way he grins when he says them. His bad days when he is grumpy and temperamental and wants to stay in bed. His good days when he is bubbly and on top of the world and could brighten the room. His ambitions, and his dreams. His creativity, and his sensitivity. His loving way of viewing the world, and the individual things around him. The way he always makes a comment on my appearance when I walk in the door. The way he always asks how I have been. How we joke with each other like there is no one else in the world, and how we click like yin and yang. Our differences, whether it is a way of viewing something, or just our age and gender.
I could go on all day about everything I love about him. Even the things I should dislike about him, I still love him for it.
And the saddest thing is he would never know any of this. I could tell him, but it would be at the cost of what we have now.
Even if he felt the same way, or kindly accepted my feelings (as in: letting me down easy and continuing to care about me and talk to me), we would never be able to do anything with it… I just don’t know if the risk is worth it…
Well… we were making suggestive jokes to each other and talking about more “taboo” topics, and we were having a good time. It was interesting.
When I talked to him last time in person, and was explaining my trip to the emergency room to him, I told him how I was sitting at the park in my car freaking out. He was confused on how I ended up at the hospital, and I told him I called the ambulance and they showed up and took me to the hospital.
He was like “Oh, I thought like a cop came up and called them or something”. I rebutted with “No. God no. If a cop came up to me in that moment, that would have been really bad.” I meant it as in I would freak out on them, and maybe even gotten in trouble.
So he looked at me weirdly and was quiet for a tiny bit. “Why..? Were you being naughty or something..?”. He asked it in such a genuine way and like he wasn’t just joking.
Like NO I WASNT. WHY DO YOU ASK? Lol.
I think he sometimes misses hearing about my wild adventures. I used to tell him everything and we would laugh about it, but things have changed a lot and we dont have that leisure anymore…
Maybe I am his insignificant other :D
I fucking hate holidays.
Why does that always happen…
Whenever it is a really bad time, or just when I think I am having a meaningful conversation with him, I always see him with his family…
What kind of sick joke is this?
That was pretty nice. We didn’t really talk about any heavy personal problems, we just kind of talked about random stuff. Finished each other’s sentences more than normal. Felt really in line with him today.
We got on the topic of drinking, and he said he is a really talkative drunk after I said I was a super social drunk. So I was like “In a year on my 21st birthday, we should go to a bar”. He thought about it for a few seconds and said “Yeah if bars will even be open”. He never said no, so I might bug him next year about it. (:
I mentioned something about my rings I was wearing and how I didn’t really like wearing rings because they catch on everything (but they’re pretty, that’s why I wear them), and he said “I wear one. I don’t want to but I have to”. And he was just kind of staring off while I was looking right at him. It went awkwardly quiet for a few seconds and I was just like “ANYWAYS…”
Yeah… it was an interesting conversation and meeting. I don’t know why we can’t be like that all the time…
About to go talk to him… hope it is better than the last… and we don’t get interrupted for the fifth time in a row… :/
My birthday this year kind of means a lot… finally out of the “teens”, which is a bunch of years I want to put behind me. I have been having a really shitty last few weeks and I was looking forward to a day where I could maybe feel decent about myself and be relatively special.
But you know, the one person who knows me better than anyone and talks to me the most completely forgot about it… I am not even going to tell him it is my birthday…. he should remember. Especially since I told him a week ago about it and what this year meant to me.
Never in a million years would I forget his birthday (and I understand birthday celebrations are designed for children, and he thinks they are not important *to adults* but it doesn’t make the day any less special). How can you forget something like it? Especially if it is important to someone?
“Yes, she knows I talk to you”…
Then why do you always lie about meeting with me..?
Goddamn it… I care about him so much…
So he downplayed it… and is acting like everything is fine… but it is not fine… how can you be a completely different person to me in person and profusely tell me you deeply care about me (even if he means it platonically) and get emotional about things with me… and then the minute real life enters you act like we are strangers… or worse, like I am his student again or like I am part of his job…
He knows my past… he knows how uncomfortable I am about it… why is he treating me like this..?
Do I tell him that it bothered me for him to say that he was “just finishing up at work” to his wife while I was sitting there…?
I was not eavesdropping… it was just making me really uncomfortable that I asked for no interruptions and he interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to answer the phone… and then it was his wife and instead of asking if I wanted to step out he just instantly answered the phone and was talking to her like I was not sitting there… called her baby and told her I love you… and I was like… ok…
EDIT: I sent it to him… no going back now…
Yeah… I am mentally broken now…
Ah… so we either bickered or accused each other of something… then his wife called and she was all upset about something (not at him, she had a bad day at work or something) and he was consoling her… told her he loved her and whatnot… and I got such a sick feeling… especially when she asked what he was up to and he replied “just finishing up with some things at work” while I was sitting right there… yeah… I almost got up and left… I should have… that shit is not right man… what…
Not really sure what I should say to him at this point… especially if we talk tomorrow in person… half of me just wants to get super high just so I can bear it… the other half of me just wants to completely have a mental breakdown in front of him…
Wish I could get drunk again… that was kind of fun…
Drove by going to work and saw him out mowing his lawn… heard nothing from him yet… he stared at my car for a solid second before waving quickly at me… nice to know…
Bet he will still ask to talk tomorrow… even though it is going to be an emotional mess…
So… he is out of town for the weekend… and he has not replied to me for the last three days… because you know, I guess my feelings and thoughts are no longer “important” to him when his wife is with him…
So… I got drunk because I was feeling alone… made a few mistakes… oh well…
So… he wants me to go into the school… which I have been out of for two years… unauthorized… and despite how much I dislike going into the school… to drop off a letter I wrote for him… on his desk… and he will probably not even be in there… and if I do not then he will not talk to me later this week… and he thinks he is being reasonable…
I titled an email something… interesting and had a question attached, and he took all day to respond, and finally replied in a new email labeled something different because he didn’t like my title.
Lol (:
