Young Paul McCartney

cant wait for the summer rain storms

the down diary pt. i

hi! so im starting this thing called the down dairy because i have just been going through it. not that i have depression or anything but i just feel down. so todays topic is the future.

irdk what to do with the future. i suck at school. i dont act out or be rude to teachers, i take notes and do my work i just suck attesting taking. im passing all my classes except chem and alg2. i started my og tumblr years ago called @nymphetyaya but i abandoned it bc i felt like it was dead bc i would go on long hiatus.

anyways i just dk what to do with my future. i dont want to go to college but i have to so my parents dont actually kill me and throw me out of the house. but i feel like i could just take an esthetician course and just start. ive also always said i would stsrt youtube once i leave h.s so watch out for that.

idk what to do and im scared i wont even be able to get into college my gpa isnt great and i dont have money either. oh well. on the brightside i started watching derry girls which is fckin hilarious and everyone should watch it and i started working out seriously. im going to walmart tmrw to get protein powder and stuff.

well if anyone reads this…any advice?

because i wanted you to know

crema, italy

Dude I was totally off my game today. In L’s class she kept asking me things AND I KEPT SAYING THE WRONG ANSWER EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT. humiliating.

Hello everybody! As you probably guessed and noticed, I was gone for a long while. I was on an unexpected hiatus because I thought my feelings for K were gone. Hahahahahagahahahahahaahahah no they are still there lol well I’m back and I’ll try to answer everyone’s questions and messages! ❤️

I am in need of some advice. The semester is ending and K will no longer be my professor (I don’t have him next semester). Our last class is next Wednesday and I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle it. Last time I had a crush on my teacher and had to say goodbye I bursted out crying. I don’t want to cry in front of K. Not again.

I wanna tell him how I feel. But I know that’s dangerous. He probably doesn’t feel the same way but even so, it’s hurting me to keep quiet. I feel like telling him will free me, somewhat. He deserves to know how special he is to me, but I’m worried. Help? Message me!

Tomorrow I have a field trip with K. We’re going to an art museum and although the trip is pretty short (2 hours), I’m pretty excited <3 but I’m worried. How do I say that he means the world to me and that I love him without actually saying that? Should I even say anything?? The field trip is optional and so a lot of my classmates aren’t going. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be just me and K. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Just us.

But what do I say? What do I do? I feel like doing something corny like telling him out of all the art I’ve seen, he’s my favorite masterpiece! I feel like showing him how much I care!

But I shouldn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I can’t…

What should I do?!

i saw you today
in the first time in months
your hair has changed; when doesn’t it?
it’s your natural hair: mousy brown curls
your eyes are the same though
a beautiful green like the summer fields
with daisies, daffodils i could call my own
you laugh at someone’s remark

and i feel at home-

why are you so beautiful

I fucking hate holidays.

Why does that always happen…

Whenever it is a really bad time, or just when I think I am having a meaningful conversation with him, I always see him with his family…

What kind of sick joke is this?

That was pretty nice. We didn’t really talk about any heavy personal problems, we just kind of talked about random stuff. Finished each other’s sentences more than normal. Felt really in line with him today.

We got on the topic of drinking, and he said he is a really talkative drunk after I said I was a super social drunk. So I was like “In a year on my 21st birthday, we should go to a bar”. He thought about it for a few seconds and said “Yeah if bars will even be open”. He never said no, so I might bug him next year about it. (:

I mentioned something about my rings I was wearing and how I didn’t really like wearing rings because they catch on everything (but they’re pretty, that’s why I wear them), and he said “I wear one. I don’t want to but I have to”. And he was just kind of staring off while I was looking right at him. It went awkwardly quiet for a few seconds and I was just like “ANYWAYS…”

Yeah… it was an interesting conversation and meeting. I don’t know why we can’t be like that all the time…

About to go talk to him… hope it is better than the last… and we don’t get interrupted for the fifth time in a row… :/

My birthday this year kind of means a lot… finally out of the “teens”, which is a bunch of years I want to put behind me. I have been having a really shitty last few weeks and I was looking forward to a day where I could maybe feel decent about myself and be relatively special.

But you know, the one person who knows me better than anyone and talks to me the most completely forgot about it… I am not even going to tell him it is my birthday…. he should remember. Especially since I told him a week ago about it and what this year meant to me.

Never in a million years would I forget his birthday (and I understand birthday celebrations are designed for children, and he thinks they are not important *to adults* but it doesn’t make the day any less special). How can you forget something like it? Especially if it is important to someone?

“Yes, she knows I talk to you”…

Then why do you always lie about meeting with me..?

Goddamn it… I care about him so much…

So he downplayed it… and is acting like everything is fine… but it is not fine… how can you be a completely different person to me in person and profusely tell me you deeply care about me (even if he means it platonically) and get emotional about things with me… and then the minute real life enters you act like we are strangers… or worse, like I am his student again or like I am part of his job…

He knows my past… he knows how uncomfortable I am about it… why is he treating me like this..?

Do I tell him that it bothered me for him to say that he was “just finishing up at work” to his wife while I was sitting there…?

I was not eavesdropping… it was just making me really uncomfortable that I asked for no interruptions and he interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to answer the phone… and then it was his wife and instead of asking if I wanted to step out he just instantly answered the phone and was talking to her like I was not sitting there… called her baby and told her I love you… and I was like… ok…

EDIT: I sent it to him… no going back now…

Yeah… I am mentally broken now…

Ah… so we either bickered or accused each other of something… then his wife called and she was all upset about something (not at him, she had a bad day at work or something) and he was consoling her… told her he loved her and whatnot… and I got such a sick feeling… especially when she asked what he was up to and he replied “just finishing up with some things at work” while I was sitting right there… yeah… I almost got up and left… I should have… that shit is not right man… what…

Not really sure what I should say to him at this point… especially if we talk tomorrow in person… half of me just wants to get super high just so I can bear it… the other half of me just wants to completely have a mental breakdown in front of him…

Wish I could get drunk again… that was kind of fun…

Drove by going to work and saw him out mowing his lawn… heard nothing from him yet… he stared at my car for a solid second before waving quickly at me… nice to know…

Bet he will still ask to talk tomorrow… even though it is going to be an emotional mess…

So… he is out of town for the weekend… and he has not replied to me for the last three days… because you know, I guess my feelings and thoughts are no longer “important” to him when his wife is with him…

So… I got drunk because I was feeling alone… made a few mistakes… oh well…

So… he wants me to go into the school… which I have been out of for two years… unauthorized… and despite how much I dislike going into the school… to drop off a letter I wrote for him… on his desk… and he will probably not even be in there… and if I do not then he will not talk to me later this week… and he thinks he is being reasonable…

I titled an email something… interesting and had a question attached, and he took all day to respond, and finally replied in a new email labeled something different because he didn’t like my title.

Lol (:

What the fuck.

Had my trip gone ANY smoother on my way to work, I would have not seen him today passing by me going home. Everything had kept getting in my way. But he waved his hand enthusiastically at me. So I waved both hands at him.

I miss him basically leaning into his windshield and smiling like a dork waving at me if we saw each other. He doesn’t do that anymore.

:(

tc-tales:

in-love-with-starlight:

Starlight picked a piece for the concert next week that is so utterly perfect that my heart aches and is filled with joy at the same time when I listen to it. Every single note containeds her smile and her name is written all over it. Some music sums up all the pain and all the happiness one can feel.

Sorry for being so corny, but no matter what I do, she will always be the one for me. I love her beyond words and everything about her is so beautiful that it hurts. I’m feeling this way since 9 years and I doubt that it will ever fade.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honey same!!! my tc like deadass picked a similar piece and it just……. makes me think of what being held in her arms would feel like

There is a certain type of music that is just as powerful as her. Like you can feel her excitement for the piece when you listen to it and I can literally see her conducting that exact piece in my mind and see her smile at some moments . And in concerts I know exactly the moments she will look at me and make eye contact, CAUSE SHE KNOWS WHICH PARTS WE BOTH LOVE. And I love those moments on stage where we are in front of everyone and there are so many eyes looking at us and everything just disappears the moment we look at each other.

Starlight picked a piece for the concert next week that is so utterly perfect that my heart aches and is filled with joy at the same time when I listen to it. Every single note containeds her smile and her name is written all over it. Some music sums up all the pain and all the happiness one can feel.

Sorry for being so corny, but no matter what I do, she will always be the one for me. I love her beyond words and everything about her is so beautiful that it hurts. I’m feeling this way since 9 years and I doubt that it will ever fade.

Your smile is the best thing in my life. When I’m with you everything suddenly makes sense. You are everything I want and everything I need. I will never get tired of looking into your beautiful eyes.