#tender queer
If the past two weeks have taught me anything it’s that I’m made of strong stuff. I don’t fit the usual standards. My heart, the way I love, my kinks, the ways I like to talk and fuck. Even my body. Its an expression of my bigness. I’m supposed to stand out.
I push when things get hard and I cry when people read me poetry. I say ‘yes’ when my whole body is screaming ‘no’. I’m stronger than my loneliness because I wont let it compromise my values or what I know I deserve.
It’s really easy to write people off who treat you like shit. Hard is holding people accountable when you’ve taken on the submissive role. Hardest is walking away when the connection feels real and deep because your needs aren’t being met.
It’s strange, it’s impolite, it can be lonely.
But damn, guys.
There is power in your vulnerability.
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“I crash into things in the dark.
Even when the lights are on.”
CMM and I had a wonderful, sweet, and super sexy date last Friday. She is giving me one long lesson in patience and it drives me up the wall (in the best way).
Her slow, methodical exploration of sensation is diametrically opposed to my impulsive, rushed, gimme-gimme, lack of control.
How can I sit still when you’re biting and licking my inner thighs? How can I not beg and whimper when your fingers lightly graze my panties over the softest, most sensitive part of my pussy?
She made me cum without removing my panties or my pretty dress.
Afterwards, eating pizza and grinning at each other, we had a deep emotional conversation. I wondered out loud why my male lovers can’t seem to go so deep so easily. “It’s not their fault,” she giggled and assured me.
I explained to her that my patronus is a bull in a China shop (she nodded, she already knew).
She listens so closely, she can read everyone, always. She can predict the future (she’s pretty sure, anyway). She keeps planes in the sky.
I wanted nothing more than to give her the calm I feel when I’m with her. To prove her wrong, again.
“But do you really know me?” I challenged. “Can you predict my future?” I’m a sweet, but stubborn, bull.
Little responds very well to those who always know where the bathroom is, and never forget the sunblock.
But what gifts can a little bull offer a China shop?
This time of year always makes me think of my transition. I came out to my parents 3 days after Christmas in 2014, I had my last therapy session on New Year’s Eve, and I was scheduled to start HRT in a few weeks. I remember feeling depressed because I thought I was letting everyone down. I was really excited to start injecting testosterone (but I wondered if I’d regret it). I wasn’t sure if I was totally binary and if that was ok. I was stressed about coming out at work. Four years later, I still don’t regret it, I didn’t let anyone down, I’ve realized I’m not exactly binary and that’s ok, and I still have not come out at work.
