#this broke my heart
The kids were due back soon, and I had been sitting at the computer all day. I got dressed and went for a stroll to process everything I’d seen but also to have one last moment of peace before the minors returned. A little white dog scurried past me and smelled worse than rotten eggs. I knew she’d gotten into with some skunks. But it wasn’t the foul stench that caught my attention. Ok…it was because she was pretty rank. She had the saddest expression and whimpered like she was scared, maybe even lost. Whatever the case, she tugged at my heartstrings something fierce, the same way Hunter did when we met the first time. But I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. I had a connection with her. If she felt the same way about me, I’d bring her home without question.
I kneeled to her level and held out my hand so she could check me out. When she decided I was ok, I reached out slowly so I could pet her, letting her know I cared and she could trust me. My touch freaked her out at first, but after a few pets, she melted into my hands. The anxiety she had expressed previously disappeared. The stench was almost unbearable, but I enjoyed the moment just as much as she did. It had been way too long since I had puppy love in my life. We had only just met, but we were such fast friends just like me and Shiloh. I asked if she wanted to have a bath. Her expression was the absolute cutest thing I’d ever seen and all the answer I needed.
It’s so crazy how dogs seem to understand exactly what we say to them. I didn’t notice how hairy she was until she was soaking wet. Alessia and I needed to brush her every day, or we’d be living in a wig factory. I really hoped she’d liked my new friend. It was totally possible this dog could be crazy, or really aggressive, but that was a risk I was willing to take to give this precious creature a home.
“I think I want to name you Tofu,” I said, snuggling my skunk-free friend.
She was white, but not white enough to name her Snowflake or whatever else white dogs were named. And we ate so much of that stuff living with Ali; I was quite familiar with its color. Tofu was a perfect name for her.
The kids came home, interrupting our snuggle time, and Alessia ran straight for the kitchen. She said she had cake on the brain. Her craving must have been quite serious for her to miss our new family member in my arms. When she returned to the living room with cake in hand, I introduced them.
“EWW,” she yelled. “I don’t want a street dog! Make her go away!”
I was stunned. I just knew she’d be happy about this. She couldn’t have been serious. “But you wanted a dog, and Tofu is so sweet.”
“No, Mommy! She could have diseases!”
“So we’ll take her to the vet. No big deal.”
“I don’t want it!”
I couldn’t let Tofu go back out there. Not after the way we bonded. I had to try a different approach. One way or another, I was winning this argument! “But I thought you wanted us to have a thing. Just you and me.”
“Not like this! I’ll pick something else.”
I panicked. She was even more strong-willed than I was at her age, and it looked like I finally met my match. “Alessia, please! She was so scared! I can’t send her back out there!”
I hated begging her like that, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“I. DON’T. WANT. IT.”
My eyes stung from the pressure of tears building up. Part of me wanted to put my foot down and do the whole “I’m the parent and what I say goes” bit, but I knew in my heart of hearts that would have been the most selfish thing I’d done in a while. I had more than just myself to think about now, and this could drive a wedge between us. The decision boiled down to choosing between my daughter and my new friend, and I knew I had to choose my daughter.
I gathered Tofu in my arms one last time and squeezed lovingly. I whispered into her ear, “I can’t keep you. But if you find me again, I’ll let you stay. I promise. Please find me.”
I couldn’t send her away on an empty stomach, so I brought her into the kitchen. She ate that food like her life depended on it, breaking my heart even more. When she finished, I picked her up, placed her outside the gate, and told her to remember what I said. She ran away. I went upstairs and cried.
