#this love hyunjin

→ hyunjin x reader

→ part one & part two

→ cw: 2k

→ summary: after a confused and arduous breakup, you forced yourself to walk away from everything that reminded you of the great love of your life. but fate always betrayed you, bringing him back, whether in the slightest details.

→ warnings:really angsty, some (a lot) insecurities 

for you, everyone deserves an enduring kind of love.

and you’ve had it for a long time. it’s bittersweet, eerie, and at the same time so real-time. your relationship with hyunjin was far from perfect, but you loved each other more than anything in the world and there was mutual respect, an unconventional devotion that protected your relationship.

until it’s over.

two months ago, if someone said that you and hyunjin would break up so abruptly, you would laugh and say that the person had lost his mind. he was your half, your best friend, your confidant. the odds of breaking up with him were the same as snowing in the desert. but little did you know, the odds are never below zero.

in those two months, you learned to walk alone. it lingered your best moments together. It didn’t help to be inside the same building every day, just a few floors and doors apart, but it was your job, so it wasn’t possible to avert something from happening. you trained day and night, sometimes staying in the studios until dawn to occupy your head and avoiding leaving at the same time as him, so as not to run into each other around the building.

you still saw him, not in person, but every single little living memory.

in the practicing rooms, when he would choose some random song and you would come up with an improvised choreography together. and every time he ends up with his arms around your waist, kissing your neck and one thing leads to another until the door needs to be locked so you guys have some privacy. looking into the expansive mirror was like staring into a reflection of remembrances, that you needed to immediately forget.

the melancholic part of it all is that you don’t know exactly what you did to make the relationship end. You thought he loved you the same way you loved him, but guess things weren’t quite like that. and it wasn’t like you didn’t know about the slanderous dating rumors in the media about him and that other girl, so much more beautiful, talented, and perfect than you. it was to be imagined that he’d be with someone impeccable like him, who paired so well that it was appealing to look at.

and it shattered you more and more every day.

it was hard to picture your love life with someone else, but you didn’t want to be someone neurotic and dramatic over this. it was over and as much as it hurt, it was something you had to accept. in your own way, but you could do it.

it was past 11:30 pm. studios were emptier and you were pleased for the privacy to be able to practice a little on your own. sometimes you practiced all day to the point where your body couldn’t take it anymore. it was like a punishment, in a way. it got worse when you first saw her, the first leaked photo of hyunjin getting into a car with her. so your twisted mind forced you to work harder and harder, on the verge of physical and mental exhaustion, so there was no time to think about how you had lost him forever and how you would never be good enough for him.

you were sitting in front of the mirror, your head down as you took a deep breath, drained from your last workout. your body needed some rest after all. you heard the door open quickly, camouflaged with laughter but whining voices. your heart trodden too fast and your brisk movements made you feel briefly woozy. all the voices fell silent as your abashed eyes stared at the eight boys standing in the doorway, staring at you as if you were a terrified animal in the woods.

and he was there, enthralled at the sight of you. two months of trying thrown to the wind, trying to avoid his presence, walking in the shadows, and being invisible.

you noticed when jisung shoved hyunjin with his elbow, gently pushing him forward. he was different. for two months you didn’t see him in person. and your heart wanted to dissolve in tears..

“sorry. we didn’t know the room was occupied.” hyunjin spoke again, his voice as soothing as ever. "mm, we’ll find another one to use.”

“it’s fine, i was on my way out.” you ran to the corner to get your bag and coat and without fronting any of them, your body blurred through the door, like a spectral in the gloom.

your vision was flecked with tears, it was unavoidable. your heart was heavy in your chest as if it were begging to cry. your steps were nimble to the elevator. as you waited, you tried to take a deep breath, closing your eyes and regulating your breathing. some staff passed by the place and wished you good night, but not before checking the critical emotional state engraved on your face.

wind outside the parking lot was stinging brutal. it was a clean-cut, drying your tears before they even started. your hands were shaking rashly as your mind took you to places you didn’t want to go. 

one of the worst parts of getting over someone was heeding details everywhere. hyunjin wasn’t only on your mind but also in that cozy restaurant on the block. he was on the small keyring he’d given you, shaped like a gold star with his initials minted in, which was now split in half. his aroma was still in your bedsheets, sweet shampoo and male cologne.

he was all over you.

looking at that damn keyring, you wanted to scream, you wanted to go up all those floors and defy him the reason for everything. didn’t you deserve one? an explanation?

looking up at the stellar onyx sky, your vision is still blurry. your breath condensed in the air, forming a white coating around your tremulant lips. once again looking at your phone, looking for an uber drive, your heart raced a little more as you heard footsteps echoing through the company’s open parking lot. to your relief, it wasn’t him and his sandy hair and caracal eyes, but only felix. a friend you made a point of keeping your distance after breaking up with him.

“lix, hi.” your fingers were brief to wipe away any lingering tears from your face.

“you forgot that up there. i thought it’d be important to give it back.” between felix’s long, steady fingers were your notebook. at the time you didn’t realize that you had forgotten.

“oh, thanks. it was very kind of you.”

"are you okay?” that caught you out of guard.

“of course.” you agreed despite the knot in your throat.

felix was an amazing friend. when he was together at rehearsals, it was always fun. along with hyunjin, you loved watching them dance freely, or even practice the group’s choreography. they were incredible together, moving with the wind with impeccable dexterity. so much so, that you learned a lot of skills from both dancers. now you don’t know when you’d do something like this again, feeling this glee of excitement with something you love to do.

“you know, i don’t want to get involved, but you should talk to him.”

you blinked a few times, baffled.

“why should i?”

“he misses you”

“mm, not sure about that”

“i know hyunjin, he’s my best friend. he thinks he’s hiding his feelings well, but he’s an open book. i don’t know exactly what happened, but one thing i’m sure of: hyunjin loves you.”

how could you be sure and trust felix’s words when all of hyunjin’s actions and attitudes proved otherwise? if he loved you, he should let you know. he should have given you a reason, not left you in oblivion, suffering in perpetuum for something you didn’t even understand.

your uber arrived, honking lightly, taking your distraction from felix’s hearty eyes.

“my uber’s here. see you around, lix.”

and even though you were sure it was a lie, felix’s words stayed in your mind throughout the night.

a few days passed and a get-together at the company would take place. you trainee friends made a point of create a small group to talk about looks they were going to wear, all thrilled about all the booze and the opportunities that could arise there.

it was a nice place, with a high city view and balcony where people were spread out with their martini and colorful drinks. lively music played from above and several other people gathered to dance in the space that’d be a dance floor—with a mirrored globe.

you did your best. a dress that hugged your body snugly and the makeup in your eyes, men would turn their necks just to watch you walk around in your high-heeled boots— and even not admitting to yourself, you were loving all this attention, it was doing so good for your ego. and hyunjin caught every glance, every crooked neck sneaking up to catch a glimpse of your bare skin. he was tired, in fact, the idea of ​​staying up late at a party tired him so much. he’d rather be at home, regretting that he was a fucking coward, that he’d lost the only sure and solid thing he had in life besides his career.

so every time you smirked with another man by your side, sipping a little of your margarita, hyunjin felt his body rattle. it was a vexatious of emotions. he was happy to see you, he was crazy to get close and touch your face, kiss you and take you to the closest place and love your body with devotion. but he also remembered that none of this would be possible, because he broke up with you.

anger stings and guilt consumed him to the point of downing the entire glass in one go, making felix and fhan stare at him apprehensively. he’d find a way, but you’d be his again.

nearly two hours later you were on your third drink—or fourth, you’d already lost count. your head was light, problems were no longer there, and you were fine—happy, even. your body moved as if you were on cloud nine, touching yourself lightly, feeling the music control your every move.

by now you had also lost count of how many men had tried to approach you, dancing too close to you, saying what they wanted in your ear. but you weren’t interested. in fact, you had someone else on your mind. the sandy-haired, cat-eyed boy who seemed to pierce your gaze from the other side. hyunjin watched you with esteem, love, and lust. and part of you made you feel ashamed— cheap—for wanting him under these conditions, that part tried to convince you that he was an asshole, that he broke up with you and not the other way around.

but the way his eyes looked so fucking deep, it was insane. his thoughts were as clear as yours.

you had no idea how long he held that feral gaze, filled with rage, longing and something more. hyunjin just took his eyes off you when she appeared. the girl you were replaced by and it made your stomach swirl so hard you thought you were going to throw up right then and there. how could he? you wouldn’t stay there a minute longer, watching that happen, watching that girl hug him so intimately, as if they’d known each other for so long.

what if they did? what if hyunjin was secretly seeing her while you were together?

nausea hit you hard and you forced your feet to go one place, any other. you ended up finding solitude on the porch, climbing some stairs to the top floor where no one would even bother you. your vision again blurred, with defiant tears begging to tear down your face.

your hands were shaking so badly that you had to lean against the wall, trying to regain focus. no matter what, you’d never be close to or look at hyunjin like that again. e v e r.