To All the Boys I’ve Blown Before

I recently celebrated 10 years of sucking cock. A milestone!! To mark the occasion, I wrote some letters… to every boy I’ve blown in the last decade.

Dear N,

For the last 10 years, I’ve owed you an apology. We dated for 10 months, you got one blow job, and it ended with me yelling at you. I was a baby and didn’t realize that I could be a feminist AND allow a man to put his hands on the back of my head while I sucked his cock. Whoopsie. Sometimes I wish we could do it again - this time I promise you can put your hands on my head.

Dear E,

As much as I cannot stand the memory of you, I can’t help but smile when I remember your father walking in to ask about our English papers. You had pulled your pants up about .04 seconds earlier and I nonchalantly held eye contact with your father, nodding my head with a mouthful of your cum. You didn’t deserve your nightly cock sucking and you kind of made me feel terrible about my body, so fuck you and the 6 people you slept with while we were dating.

Dear A,

My favorite cock. You were the highlight of my adolescence, and I’m ridiculously grateful you’re still by my side in adulthood. Your letter could be a novel, but let’s try to keep it short: thank you for every summer night when you’d sneak into my house at 2am, make yourself comfortable on my couch, and quietly kiss away my half-assed protests about waking my family until your cock was in my mouth. I wish my “come over” text would bring you to my bed in 5 minutes like it would in high school. I hope you don’t mind that I send the text a few times a week anyway, even though you’re 3000 miles away now.

P.S. As soon as I could successfully deep throat you, I was set for life. Every man after you should be thanking your cock.

P.S.S. I’m sorry for the time I threw up on you. I WAS LEARNING!!!!

P.S.S.S. Come over.

Dear S,

Yikes. I barely remember you and I remember even less about your cock. I do remember your creepy step-father and deciding that you weren’t worth the energy.

Dear C,

My brief stint with OKCupid ended with us in a disgusting Motel6. You are the shining example of my terrible decisions in high school. Thanks for not being an ax murderer, but I didn’t love your cock tasting like Axe.

Dear J,

My first Dom, my first love. Sucking your cock was my greatest pleasure. I’m thankful for every moment you let me spoil you.

P.S. Hope you’re a little more faithful to your current lady than you were to me, ya fuckboy

Dear J,

The massage/cock sucking tradeoff was perfect. That’s all.

Dear C,

I tried to keep it chill, but you had to ruin everything. So, here I am, telling the world that you have a TEENY TINY cock and you orgasmed in less than a minute. BYYYYE.

Dear S,

You don’t deserve a letter.  

Dear A,

You will forever be the boy I corrupted. Remember when you told me, “I don’t like blowjobs” on our first night together? I made sure you changed your mind. You had only ever done missionary before we met, you had to be taught what a spanking was, and you were sincerely afraid of bondage. But you were an eager student and embraced the unknown for me. I miss you, and I miss the way you’d fuck my mouth without mercy (after a few months of promising that I WAS FINE and that I ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT).

Dear P,

Thanks for being the rebound I needed when my heart was broken. I’m sorry I got sick of you (lol), but DAMN. Sometimes when my hands are working my cunt, I think about the way you held my face to your stomach with a firm apathy that no one can replicate. Wet.

Dear Mr. R,  

I’ve never felt more proud than I did when you complimented my cock sucking skills. I had to learn to control my jealousy and learn how to be happy as one of many partners… and that compliment played to my dumb petty side. You said I was the best, and I like being the best. If you read this, you’d shake your head at me and somehow put me in my place. I know it.

Dear S,

Long time coming, yeah? After 10 years of teasing each other and me being unavailable, you finally got your cock sucking! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.

Dear A,

Don’t tell my siblings, please. Our little secret.

Dear C,

You’re lucky I like you so much. Licking butts is not my preferred method of oral… I’d rather focus on your cock. But whatever. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Dear Byb,

Thinking about you brings the biggest smile to my face. You earned your cock sucking, and I was so flipping happy to give it to you. You keep crossing my mind and !!!!!. I’m so happy about everything. I’m already excited about the next time I get to reward you. Also you taste so good and have the cutest cock on the planet

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Honorable mention letters:

Dear massive dildo from high school, 

Thank you for everything, my faithful love. Miss you. 

Dear I, 

The cock that got away. I would have done anything to prove myself to you – still would. 

Dear B, 

You’re my motivation to stay well practiced. One day. Maybe. If not, we know it’s your loss. 

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Open hearts, open legs, and open mouths. Here’s to another decade of my favorite pasttime.