#tree friends

Let Go of Friends that Are Not Your Trees!
7 Ways to Spot Them

Trees are perfect and erect models of what defines healthy relationships. When it comes to choosing friends, we need to make sure they are part of our tree of family. Present, confident in their emotions and behavior, firm, steady, unwavering, can bend but won’t break, is a shelter or a shade, a good listener, provides food not just for body, but for mind and soul, a resource that is joyful and sustainable in multiple ways.  And it is equally important that we are the same kind of friend to Self. 

We have erred in qualifying and defining our relationships through the emphasis of “form” rather than “function”. There is more focus on their shapes and the skin shade their body takes; or the way they look in a car and their zip code;  how many “hats” they wear, the certificates that lace their walls, and the digits of their bank accounts. These sadly, define most relationships today. 

The true test of friendships are not in the numbers you have or the number of times they call or text.  The true colors of relationships are defined and seen in the moments when we feel the shadow emotions of shame and vulnerability, hopelessness and despair and when we are able to trust another like a tree.  The response-ability of any given emotional moment or crisis is what defines whether a relationship is a tree or a weed.  

A relationship that is not a tree will soon break if there lacks empathy and compassion, two great strengths and qualities of any wise tree. The first six examples below were inspired by author, Brené Brown in her book: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be. 

1. The friend who hears the story and feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be and then there is silence. And you have to make her feel better. How common is this one? Reversed shame psychology.

2. The friend who resounds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you and I’ve been there.) Then to perpetuate the shame cycle they will throw in…“You poor thing” or the incredibly passive aggressive southern version of sympathy “Bless your heart”. A pity party! 

3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she  is disappointed in your imperfections. You’ve let her down.  This one happened to me most recently when my worth was measured by the size of my bank account as she claimed, “I make a lot of money!” Rubbing it in what she perceived as my poor face. WTF?!  

4. The friend that is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: “How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?” Or she looks for someone to blame. Who’s the guy or girl? We’ll kick their ass.  The Bully pretender? 

5. The friend who is all about making it better, and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.” The Perfectionist Quuen?

6. The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you: “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time.” The secret enemy?

7. The friend who says nothing at all and does nothing, does not touch you, does not hold your hand nor acknowledge anything you said. They don’t care, can’t care because their heart was not even listening. The phantom friend? 

So I must admit that I’ve been less than a tree in the past. My own vulnerability and shame were met with same as we are constant mirrors struggling with the reflections we gave of each other.  I trusted the wrong people over and over again because I didn’t trust my inner friend.  Whether I was not being a friend or seeking tree love from the other, these disappointments gave me lots of valuable lessons that helps me to self-correct. I now know the value of trees and how I need them in my life and all around me.

As we age, the wisdom we earn brings focus on the “function” of our hearts rather than on the illusive “form” which never lasts. As we mature, we learn a new emotional language that makes our hearts sing and our souls dance.  

After we let go of the excess bags and emotional sags, we can begin a new path of choosing love and picking tree relationships that are divine presents; trees whose glowing presence alone are the passcodes that gains access to our heart’s story. 

This piece is dedicated to the tree in my childhood backyard that I always wanted to draw but never could.