#brene brown
Review of Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly -
10 Word Review: Analysis of how vulnerability and shame affect our daily lives.
Spoiler Free Review: I’ve had a bunch of people recommend this book to me, and I am so glad that I’ve finally read it! It made me think about vulnerability and shame in a completely different way. It really is remarkable how those two things truly do affect my everyday life. It also made me come to several realizations about myself and how I want to live my life. I’m sure this book means something different to everyone who reads it, so I’ll just say that you should definitely give it a chance!
Current Read is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown! So many people have recommended this book, and I’m excited to finally read it!
Let Go of Friends that Are Not Your Trees!
7 Ways to Spot Them
Trees are perfect and erect models of what defines healthy relationships. When it comes to choosing friends, we need to make sure they are part of our tree of family. Present, confident in their emotions and behavior, firm, steady, unwavering, can bend but won’t break, is a shelter or a shade, a good listener, provides food not just for body, but for mind and soul, a resource that is joyful and sustainable in multiple ways. And it is equally important that we are the same kind of friend to Self.
We have erred in qualifying and defining our relationships through the emphasis of “form” rather than “function”. There is more focus on their shapes and the skin shade their body takes; or the way they look in a car and their zip code; how many “hats” they wear, the certificates that lace their walls, and the digits of their bank accounts. These sadly, define most relationships today.
The true test of friendships are not in the numbers you have or the number of times they call or text. The true colors of relationships are defined and seen in the moments when we feel the shadow emotions of shame and vulnerability, hopelessness and despair and when we are able to trust another like a tree. The response-ability of any given emotional moment or crisis is what defines whether a relationship is a tree or a weed.
A relationship that is not a tree will soon break if there lacks empathy and compassion, two great strengths and qualities of any wise tree. The first six examples below were inspired by author, Brené Brown in her book: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be.
1. The friend who hears the story and feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be and then there is silence. And you have to make her feel better. How common is this one? Reversed shame psychology.
2. The friend who resounds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you and I’ve been there.) Then to perpetuate the shame cycle they will throw in…“You poor thing” or the incredibly passive aggressive southern version of sympathy “Bless your heart”. A pity party!
3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she is disappointed in your imperfections. You’ve let her down. This one happened to me most recently when my worth was measured by the size of my bank account as she claimed, “I make a lot of money!” Rubbing it in what she perceived as my poor face. WTF?!
4. The friend that is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: “How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?” Or she looks for someone to blame. Who’s the guy or girl? We’ll kick their ass. The Bully pretender?
5. The friend who is all about making it better, and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.” The Perfectionist Quuen?
6. The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you: “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time.” The secret enemy?
7. The friend who says nothing at all and does nothing, does not touch you, does not hold your hand nor acknowledge anything you said. They don’t care, can’t care because their heart was not even listening. The phantom friend?
So I must admit that I’ve been less than a tree in the past. My own vulnerability and shame were met with same as we are constant mirrors struggling with the reflections we gave of each other. I trusted the wrong people over and over again because I didn’t trust my inner friend. Whether I was not being a friend or seeking tree love from the other, these disappointments gave me lots of valuable lessons that helps me to self-correct. I now know the value of trees and how I need them in my life and all around me.
As we age, the wisdom we earn brings focus on the “function” of our hearts rather than on the illusive “form” which never lasts. As we mature, we learn a new emotional language that makes our hearts sing and our souls dance.
After we let go of the excess bags and emotional sags, we can begin a new path of choosing love and picking tree relationships that are divine presents; trees whose glowing presence alone are the passcodes that gains access to our heart’s story.
Photo credit: Jabari.ruPost link
“You either walk into your story
andownyour truth,
or you live outside of your story,
hustling for your worthiness.”
(This greatly dovetails into the notions of shame, for who has to hustle for their worthiness than someone who feels unworthy? Which, by extension, is part and parcel of feeling shame. And so when we take ownership of our actions, of our behaviour, of our story/stories (again, ownership, not blame, which would be part of invoking shame again) we gain power. The power to be, the power to choose, the power to create. And from that comes freedom, self-expression, and peace of mind.)
By: Jessica Willis
I share my story as a way of healing, a way of letting it out and being true to who I am. I do not believe there is any harm in speaking about the pieces of ourselves that we’re proud of or the pieces of ourselves that we’ve struggled with. I wholeheartedly believe that it’s important we share our experience with other people, it not only helps our personal growth but it connects us to others. Our story has the power to heal us as well as heal somebody else because when we share ours; we free ourselves and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.
Honestly, I find there is a certain catharsis in doing so, a sense of a burden being lifted and it’s freeing. Sharing pieces of me, of who I am, forms some connection with whoever may be reading this at this very moment, and maybe I am helping someone else see how we are all fighting our own battles and maybe my vulnerability can give someone else the strength to get through a difficult situation. By opening myself up and sharing parts that maybe others would hide, I believe it all helps us feel a little less alone in the world.
It has taken me time to get to this point, to get to where I’m realizing that everything that has happened in the past two-ish years has actually happened for my greater good. The postpartum depression, the betrayal and the downfall of my marriage, the secrets, the lies, the denial, the “crazy making,” and the absolute nonsense that I have had to deal with even in the past few months, has all happened for a reason and it has happened because there is something better for me. I have been and I still am being pulled, I am being stretched and I am being expanded beyond belief but it’s all helping me to be more awake, stronger, and more aligned with my soul’s purpose than ever before.
I have always kept going, I have kept moving forward even on my darkest days, even when all I wanted to do was hide in my bed and cry my eyes out. Did I still have those moments, why yes, yes I did and do I still sometimes have those moments, absolutely. Guess what though, that is totally okay. It’s called being human and nobody should ever make you feel shame or guilt for expressing the way you feel or how you choose to heal. When I have those moments of wanting to cry or wanting to scream, I get through it and move on.
The past year and half has been a roller coaster of emotions. It has had its ups and downs, many downs, and because of that, I have grown. I am so much more than what I was before, I am learning who I am and I am so much more accepting of who I am and proud of what I have become. What I am trying to say here is, you can own your story or your story can own you. Nobody can re-write the past but you can influence the next chapter and continue to become the best version of yourself.
Check out Jessica’s Instagram for more beautiful words like these: @hellojessicalauren
When Kids Have to Act Like Parents, It Affects Them for Life
“I spent a lot of time babysitting [my siblings] as a teenager and I think it’s been a challenge for me to separate out feeling like I’m a parent to them.”
This has often caused rifts between the siblings into adulthood, Rosenfeld says. “I’ve always been somebody who thinks it’s my job to offer help, care, and advice even when it’s not asked for.”
How does someone learn that becoming self-reliant is safer than trusting others? Nakazawa believes that in destructive parentification, “you don’t have a reliable adult to turn to.” And if a child’s early experiences at home consisted of making sure everyone else’s needs were met, then the “child doesn’t feel seen.
This sense of responsibility and compulsive caretaking can follow them into future relationships as well. “You tend to project it onto other people in your life,” Rosenfeld says. This isn’t surprising, claims Jenny Macfie, an associate director of clinical training at the University of Tennessee and another prominent parentification researcher, as “adults who report role confusion in their childhoods may have difficulty with their identity development,” and this in turn, can affect a person’s romantic relationships.
We’re only beginning to understand the interplay between sibling dynamics, parental neglect, and health outcomes later in life. We need to see more research on prevention and treatment options.
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Brené Brown on Vulnerability, Human Connection, and the Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy
We all need a reminder now and again on how to be present with other people.
I took a italian placement test yesterday to figure out where I would be and if I would be placed with students outside of Elon’s program. Thankfully, I was. Today was my first day of Italian.
Walking to the front desk today, I asked where my class was. I was quickly told “Aula A” and I walked down to my classroom. Two Elon girls were there, Hanna and Tiffany, whom I had met previously. We sat down and a couple minutes later a gorgeous, porcelain-looking brunette wearing perfect blush and carrying a bright pink bag waltzed in. Kalem: a flawless soft spoken brazilian that speaks no english and has the smile of a goddess. She was nervous as ever, but worked as hard as she could to communicate with us and the teacher. It was humbling to communicate through our broken Italian knowing our native tongues did not line up. Next was Jay: weighing in at no more than 70 pounds, this American-Italian 12-year-old came in ready to rumble. He didn’t know everything, but he stumbled and worked through his mistakes to keep up with the rest of us. In some cases, he knew infinitely more than we did and never missed a beat. Goes to show that even the little kids can teach us something. Lastly, and most amazing to me, was Ada.
A couple minutes late, it was hard not to notice that she was immensely disabled. I don’t know with what, but she struggled to get out each word. Walking was a task that clearly took daily therapy in the years before. She wrote with the focus that I would only have on 90mg of Adderall. But there she was, in my italian class, showing that this is who she was and she wasn’t backing down. We’ve all heard the triumph stories: the paraplegic that won the special olympics, the solider that was rehabilitated alongside his wife after hitting a road bomb, the homeless kid that started shining shoes and became the CEO of a company by 25. But this. This was different. Ada hasn’t won the olympics, or a nobel prize, or created a revolution, but she will show up everyday ready to fight to overcome her next barrier whether she gets recognition for it or not. I’m sure of it. To say the least, watching her win the word game we played in class fair and square had a smile on my face stretching from ear to ear I’ll never forget. She showed me her strength and gave me insight into the Italian’s hearts. I can confidently say she has already started to change my life and has undoubtedly changed many previous to me.
The second part of the Ada situation gave me a realization about the Italians I had never had. The professor, Giuseppe, saw us the same. Just like Ada, he wasn’t backing down. He saw Ada come up to battle and he gave her just as many questions and just as many exercises as the rest of us. He saw the potential of our hearts and minds, not our bodies. Not to discredit my peers from Elon, but these were students I could have never thought of placing in my class and yet the Italian’s saw no reason to let prejudice interfere with the way they treat a human. A human heart is a human heart and the less we pay attention to it, the harder and blacker it gets. Period. They don’t let a heart slide by without love and fair play. My professor taught each of us the same and showed me in less than 2 hours that these people coming from every different avenue of life had just as much as potential and human connection as myself.
I’ve been trying to pin down what makes me love this city-what makes everybody love this city. Without question, for me, it has to do more with the people inside it than the architecture and grandeur of the boundaries that hold them in. Maybe that’s why I suck at documenting the city via photographs. Sorry, guys. But really, what is it that draws me to the people, what makes me want to hug every italian mother, and create relationships with the market people? I think I’ve figured it out. For me, point blank: this city is full of courageous people.
I know courageous isn’t necessarily in our daily vernacular, but being courageous is what creates the whole-hearted people I see when I walk through the cobblestone streets of Firenze. It is a word with a hidden meaning that was never in my vocabulary until I stumbled upon Brené Brown. She is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and human connection and the way she defines courage in her TED talk ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ changed my world:
“Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the english language: it’s from the latin word 'cur’ meaning heart and the original definition was "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” So, these folks [the whole-hearted] had very simply the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others because as it turns out we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection-and this was the hard part-as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.“
The italians are happy–genuinely happy. They live, eat, and breathe authenticity in my eyes. Maybe they don’t have everything together (Hello, Italian Politics), but they certainly have the art of loving themselves and others down to a T in my eyes. Forget the exceptions. Leave out the creeps, the tourists, the schemers and you are left with a group of people with hefty smiles and full hearts. And stomachs, for that matter.
Something that comes naturally to the whole-hearted, I believe, is balance. Balance in everything. They know when to be happy, when to be sad, when to sleep and when to push through, when to go out and when to work, when to eat and when to be satisfied, when to live and when to love, when to hold boundaries and when to wear your heart on your sleeve for even a stranger. These things are second nature because if they are vulnerable and tell their story with the whole heart-how they feel, think, see, wonder, question, and live-when could their instincts wrong? Sometimes, I’m sure, but does it matter at that point if even your excess is in moderation? There has to even be a balance between imbalance and balance in life, right?
Coming from a background where moderation was the polar opposite of my expertise, this lifestyle is beautiful to me. I had a breakthrough in May of 2013 that allowed me the ability to see my life, and life in general, for what is it - good. I don’t believe I am naive, I don’t believe this because I am young and inexperienced. I don’t believe this because I need to fantasize to avoid my problems. I believe this because it is the truth. The good of this world far outdoes the bad. Our world just has simply decided not to focus on this. Do you think Ada would be where she is today if she believed the things I’m sure she was told by every doctor about her inability to succeed in school? Or if she sat around feeling sorry for herself? I doubt it.
Here’s my connection: We focus on the bad because we think it will bring us compassion from others. We think that the more we display our struggles, the more people will flock to our side and hold us up. In that mindset, the more compassion we receive from others could smother the lack of compassion we feel from ourselves. In my eyes, the reality is that these courageous men and women that have compassion on themselves and decide to show the world their true hearts draw in the genuine things and people in life effortlessly. We naturally get compassion from others for our true struggles when we decide that our lives are worth it-worth it to be open and work through our struggles. But also to know that, vulnerability is a measure of courage, not weakness. We have to show people that we are worthy of continuing to tick before they will ask why. What gives us the ability to carry on? It is, I believe, the knowledge that handing our heart to another and saying "here it is: the good, the bad, and the ugly” will show us the people that flock when help is truly necessary. And what more do we need than the genuine when our struggles are real? Because the opposite is having the fake around to pretend they can help us feel again when the only struggle is that we don’t love ourselves. Which would you prefer? The true beauty is seen in a person’s heart, not their facade.
Whether it be how Giuseppe treats Ada, how the owner of I Due Frattelini helps me through my broken italian every order I place, the way Enrico understand life is good, or how my professors prefer to be in a circle and know the face behind the name, I’m consistently amazed at the balance created by a society that wears their heart on their sleeve. Maybe it’s not on display all the time, but grab one of their hands, turn it palm up, and I bet they wouldn’t hide a thing.
And hey, maybe I’m reading way too much into these people and they actually aren’t happy, but I still think I’m right. ;)
Buona notte d'Italia <3
Brené Brown on Blame
You are probably a bit of a blamer - most of us are. But why should we give it up? In this witty sequel to our most watched RSA Short, inspirational thinker Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour.
Voice: Dr Brené Brown
Animation: Katy Davis AKA Gobblynne http://www.gobblynne.com
Like the RSA on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/thersaorg
Watch the original talk here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXSjc-…
Follow the RSA on Twitter: https://twitter.com/RSAEvents
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”— Brené Brown
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”— Brené Brown
“We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.”—Brené Brown,Daring Greatly(viafyp-psychology)
