My brain won’t shut up and as per usual I’m hiding everything underneath a cut because I feel like my feelings are a bother to people. And I get it. There’s going to be at least one of you who tries to tell me. “Your feelings aren’t a bother Kira!” Iknow that logically, but it does not stop my brain and my heart from feelingthat way.
So now here I am ready to explain my existence to you because my brain won’t let me write and it won’t let me draw either and today I feel like a failure of a human being because I can’t handle stress and worse I can’t even cry to cope. So here we are.
So all that personal shit I don’t talk about.
I almost lost my migraine prescription this week.
So context for those unaware: I have a lot of medical issues. I take a monthly preventive shot to contend to my migraines and I have for well over a couple years now. It doesn’t make them go away completely but it does make them less and I haven’t had to go to the ER recently because of them so I mean that’s a plus.
The downside to this is, while it helps control my migraines pretty well, if I fall off it, as I did a couple times last year because of pharmacy screw ups - I end up out of work for however long it takes to get back to me and in urgent care because I get migraines so bad that I get so dizzy I’m unable to stand. So I mean fuck driving at that point right?
So I almost lost it because I got a text message telling me that my prescription had been changed / canceled and I freaked out and called the hospital like it told me to and they told me they didn’t know what I was talking about and didn’t have a record, etc. I basically had to hold my breath for the lady who fills my script to call this week, thank god she did. That was a mini-heart attack.
As for work, I’m on burn out. My Lead worker / direct Boss told me in feb. that he was getting ready to retire Spring 2023 and he needed to make sure he was getting everything around so I could take over. Todayhe says “I dunno when I’ll retire, haven’t decided yet maybe if Chris (his boss my boss-boss) pisses me off. Rumor some how got around that he was planning on retiring and because it got back to him he pulled back all plans out of spite. I have no idea when he’s going to retire now.
For those of you who have listened to my work rants (for many years now) know how devastatingof a blow this is for me. There was a planand he reneged on me. So basically long story short when it comes to work -> I’m still stuck doing almost all the manager work but not getting paid for it. And Chris - my big boss - knowsit’s going on and does nothing about it. I’m burnt out. My boss, Terry, literally looked at me and was like “it’s chill day, just do whatever.” because he didn’t feel like working and knows I will keep busy all day on my own.
What the fuck.
So I’ve been fighting the depression side of my bipolar for a little more than a month and half now:
Look I am over 1400 entries solid into this app. It is accurate to the day. I haven’t missed a day since 2018. Things have not been good.I keep trying to claw my way out of it. I have using every tool I have in my tool box but nothing is helping. My SOS is busted. Nothing works.
the kick in the ass is this is from beforemy idiot physiatrist started taking my anti-convulsant away:
But it’s not “doing anything” he says. I have taken anti-seizure medication for four years to help mood control and this fucker who barely talks or sees me since Aug 2021 decides that all the doctors before him and in my 13 years of being diagnosed with this suddenly decides I don’t “experience mania” and “Are you sure it’s depression? I haven’t really seen you sad.” SO he decides to look at one of my two mood stabilizers (the other is an anti-psychotic) and just go “yeah it’s not working let’s get rid of it.” but knows nothingabout what I'm going through or dealing with - you know things that effect my mood - and just starts trying to take me down on it. He already triedto rip me off the other one that controls my mania and proceeded to throw me into a two week manic episode as a result.
“I think you were having a manic episode.” I wanted to scream.
ANYWAY.
So that’s all going on. Away from the medical and work bullshit.
Here’s the thing I don’t think I’ve ever been clear about, so me being me - who instantly feels like a disgrace of a human being and the scum of the earth when I think I’m not being clear and I think I’ve been misunderstood again ->
If I’ve never said this to you before I’m autistic. There is no such thing as High Functioning / Low Functioning so don’t ask me that or even say it to me. I’ll scream.
So to get that ableist bullshit out of the way ->
High Functioning + Impairment = I’m going to deny you care because I don’t see your disability as valid enough to give you consideration or accommodation. Low Functioning + Impairment = I’m going to deny you validity because I see your disability as so aggrieviously detrimental to methat I’m not only going to refuse to help you with it but I won’t acknowledge you as a fully functional human either.
Just don’t fucking say it to me.
So with that out of the way, I need you to know,sometimes I go nonverbal. Sometimes it’s partial. Sometimes It’s completely. Sometimes it’s text. Sometimes it’s verbal. Sometimes it’s both.
Sometimes I can only speak / type in few words and that’s it
Sometimes all you’re getting out of me is GIFs and Emojis.
I need you to bear with me for this. I need you to bear with me. Sometimes I simply cannottalk and I also need you all to know and realizefor me that talkingandwriting a post / story isnot mutually the same. When I am IC that is my muse writing, not me. I am simply conveying a story through a muse, I am not processing real world shit.
Guys, if you’re new around here or I haven’t said this to you before. I writetocope. It’s not the same.
And for the new people, the rest of my medical issues include: C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar 2 rapid cycling, insomnia, chronic migraines
I take a lot of meds, and there is a small patch work system of people holding me together.
I am also a survivor of: Abuse, isolation (the act of being; not self imposed) , sexual assault, martial rape, gaslighting, and weaponized silence.
Do I owe you my life story? No. Do I feel like it helps me know someone as a person if I know a little of what they have going on? Absolutely. Doexpectpeople to tell me what they got going on? Nope. Absolutely not.
But I have been misunderstood and dismissed and passed over and talked over and ignored etc so many times I have become an information dumper and I do this because my brain is beggingto be seen clearly for once and to just have someone accept me even if they don’t get it.
Guys I have been in shut down all week day and I’m fighting so desperately to get out of his hole but here we are. With the ground breaking out from under us again. This isn’t a pity post, to clarify.
Nothing lights my brain on fire faster than pity. I will tell you right now my brain little instantly light to “I don’t want your fucking pity” just so you know it’s a trigger. This also isn’t a “tell me how strong I am” post because every time I’m told I’m strong my brain shuts down and stops working because the minute I hear the word ‘strong’ in relation to me my brain falls into that’s all you’re allowed to be mode and I shut down every emotional function and process I had currently active.
Guys I can’t grin and bear it anymore.
Can I get off this ride? This roller coaster is 0/10. Do not recommend. I’d like to stop now.
Okay this one will be a bit more serious and a bit more personal on my end. Let’s talk about nasty subjects and by that I mean death, torture, abuse, mental illness, etc. I mean dark themes.
We all know I don’t shy away from dark themes. I never have and I never will, but I need you all also to know that just because I write them, doesn’t mean I justify them. I have written two separate posts on both Edward and Kumo talking about this fact.
I have no doubt I’m racing towards Barnaby’s because he has some serious anger issues and Ven’s is only a moment away the more I get to writing him because he’s got some serious issues too.
It’s okay to write serious issues as long as they are treated and handled as nasty as they are. I do these posts so people know where I stand as a writer. Tackling issues like this brings them to light and helps me process, but they will never stop being horrible nasty despicable things and roleplay and fiction should never be used to justify them.
I have written my fair share of torturous plots and dark themes and I promise you the characters preforming these acts aren’t having a good time. I will punish these acts in my narrative over and over, again and again. I get that there are people out there who legit think these things are okay but it’s my job as a writer to say they aren’t.
I have roleplayed villains guys and those villains do nasty horrible things and even if they’re doing nasty horrible things that doesn’t mean, I as a writer agree with that shit. Mun does not equal Muse, and I get that. I just have been misunderstood in the past, so I make it fucking clear that I don’t agree with this shit.
So the personal part? My Ex-husband. I can write nasty people because I’ve lived with them. I can write horrible things because I’ve experienced them. I can mimic real life to reflect it in fiction. Abusive relationships? Been there. Isolation for nearly a decade? Done that. Possessive? Check. Obsessive? Done that too. Emotional and Physical neglect? Been there too.
My boundaries I enforce in my rules are there for personal reasons and I won’t force my muses to endure what I have if I don’t think they should need to. Dark Themes are fine if they are acknowledged for what they are and treated with the respect and care they deserve, acknowledged for the level of triggering content they could be for the parties involved, and not the entire theme and only that theme.
It’s okay to write dark themes guys. It’s not okay to laugh about them. It’s okay to write dark themes. It’s not okay to treat them lightly. Maybe it’s my autism taking shit too literal again, but if I’m going to write something nasty, I’m going to acknowledge it for what it is and I will never ever justify it. Be ready for more posts like the others in the future because I will never give any of my muses a free pass - no matter how much I love them.
And final note:Tag this shit correctly please. I see too many people rping dark themes and not tagging their shit correctly. Tagging systems are there to prevent accidently triggering another person and giving them a chance to prepare for what they’re about to read. Please tag your shit correctly.
|| I just really need to say this okay?Nice characters can be assholes. If my muse is nice to yours that literally only means they’re being nice. It is not a reflection of anything but my muse being a decent person. My muse might be a decent person but they can absolutely be a horrible one too.
Edward is plenty enough an example of that.
Even my near always nice muses can be ones too.
I.E. Kumo just casually murdering someone because they tried to hurt Kaze.
In fact, Let nice muses be assholes. My nice guys muses are not required to be that 24/7 and that are allowed to lash out if your muse pushes them. They’re allowed to react to the situations they’re put in and that reaction is not a tantrum.
My nice guy muses are allowed to just be jerks. They’re allowed to be cold and callous and uncaring and liars and vindictive and nasty and cruel.
Edward swears a lot and he yells but he’s still a nice guy. Kumo is overly nice but is perfectly capable of killing someone without blinking.
Nice Muses can be fucking nasty and still be nice people. Being nice is just being nice. I have nice guy muses who are straight murderers. I have nice guy muses who can be perfectly pleasant in a conversation and any unknowing muse wouldn’t know the difference.
Nice guys are allowed to be jerks. Also though, if there is a nice guy muse it is not your character’s obligation to push them to their breaking point. Your muse is allowed to push them but they better be ready for the backlash. Nice muses aren’t suddenly weaker than rude or cruel muses simply because they’re nice. I don’t know where that strange power imbalance comes from but I’ve ran into it more than once.
Nice muses can still be muses of power, and they should be treated as such. Let me say that again for the people that missed it.
Nice muses can still be muses of power and they should be respected as muses of power.
You aren’t obligated to be cruel to be powerful.
Being rude or angry is not a prerequisite of power and I’m sick of people thinking it is.
A muse can be soft and still cut your fucking head off. A muse can be kind and still bury you with a smile.
I guess I just feel like people underestimate muses who are nice most of / all the time simply because they’re just that nice.
idk how this “prev tags” nonsense got started but i promise you i am not following a breadcrumb trail to find out what those tags were. if they’re that funny then share them with the class in a reblog like a normal clown this isn’t twitter
There are angry Tumblr users screaming their tags were stolen. I have been here for a fricking DECADE and this is the first time I’ve had to say #notmytags. #notmypost.
This is a big reason for Tumblr reblogs falling. Twitter, instagram users migrants think REBLOGS ARE SAME AS REPOSTING. THAT USING OG TAGS IS STEALING.
wow can’t believe i just made this meme and already got to use it twice
we talk in the tags and then the tags go to peer review and if they’re deemed Good Content somebody ELSE will put them in a reblog and publish them
replies also go to peer review and get added to the main post if they pass the board
(Click for better quality, zoom for gay shit in the background in the first panel :3)
Birthday Boy; Second Birthday Origins
I AM SO SORRY I AM UPLOADING THIS ESSENTIALLY A DAY LATE!! I was in classes all day yesterday and I didn’t have time to finish it in time DX either way here it is! Imma go crawl back into my lair now. Enjoy!
― ― The fall of that fierce tiger faded the moment Roy Mustang had been described to her, and she could feel it too. They had always been so cordial, and despite the rumors of unfavorable accusations that seemed to alwaysreach her ears, she knew that as not only an Alchemist, but a colleague, that Roy would surely… SURELY… have some of, if not all, of the answers to her questions. Despite her mind screaming out for a glorious battle within an unknown land, it really would have behooved her to continue in this manner. She gave a sigh of relief and allowed her hands to fall back to her sides.
Though there was no recollections of a young girl with dark hair and violet eyes, at the very least there was a person to whom she could be familiarwith. To an extent. It wasn’t as if the two knew one another on a personal level… even so, she was not alone. If this boy could speak of the Colonel in such a calm manner, then perhaps he was not a complete threat to her. At least for the time being. However she did not recognize the description of the ‘ girl ’ , as there was no one who existed within Amestris ( or anywhere for that matter ) who could be born with such an eye color in the first place. This boy could be mistaken, but, she doubted it.
Making no mention of her unfamiliarity to the girl, she closed her eyes and gave him a response. Simple, but as kind as she was willing to become for a stranger in ’ another world ’ at that very moment. At the very least, she was not in immediate danger of a fight, but there was still the unavoidable query of how she’d arrived here, if not whisked away from her home by the first person she happened to see. How curious indeed that Roy Mustang was here as well. What’s more, he was using his alchemy. Unlike herself, she had not known the Colonel to even transmute unless it was an absolute necessity ( not as though they were bosom friends ). But what could have happened to slip on those gloves?
“ Very well then. ” No worries to be had, but the curious thoughts that now plague her so completely now seem to cloud her judgments. As the feral cat so skittish to bite and claw that which threatens it in the slightest, she does not want to relinquish her control over this situation. She tells herself that if he were to betray her, she could kill him. But then, what would that make of Mustang? If there was any other capable of understandingher situation and listening to her words, it would be him. She needed him, despite wishing to remain alone. Whether or not he would need her around, she did not care. What was most important was returning to Amestris. To her medicines, and more importantly to Basker.
Ahh … she could feel her heart achingwithout his soothing presence…
At any rate, she stepped forward, bent low to take a few rocks into the palm of her hands, and skipped them as hard and as quickly she could behind her ― the resulting crash of stone to tree bark far from their distance resulted in a violent HISS that saw the airy smoke blowing past them on the winds. Its target, once a dingy greenwith pale brown tree, now stood weakly turning to a rancid violet hue. Perhaps the same color as the ‘ girls ' eyes? Roots became exposed, crawling from its safe soil to the air above, but it was no use. In a few moments, it had turned completely to blackened petrification. Was this a warning?
She turned back to him with a slight cant of her head and her smileevident.
“ If Roy Mustang is using his alchemy here, then perhaps the situation is much direr than I could anticipate. Perhaps I do require, ahem, would like, your cooperationas well. It is important that I meet with him to discuss what has happened and where we are, as I am sure you are already aware of. Being in such a warzonewhere you will be attacked should you stray too far from safety is not the sort of area we ought to be in, though we both are perfectly capable of handling ourselves. That is, if you’ve trulyseen the Alchemy of who I believe you have, there is not a chance you would be doubting him. ”
“And where exactlywould he be? Has he gotten himself so injuredthat he needed your help, or do you know of a way to send us home and… ah. Right. ” she paused when finally reaching just a step or two away from him, enough at arms length. Hand outstretched, looking directly eye to eye with the smell of the wood still wafting around her face. “ Pleased to make your acquaintance, I thank you for assisting me. I’m sure we’ll be out of your hair soon enough. ”
She’s lowering her hands and something tells him that if dealing with Eversti has taught him anything she was ready to attack him. Finding the odd lost newcomer in Wonderland that was instantly ready to come at him was always rare but those times dohappen. Her next motion is a power play if he’s ever seen one and somehow this woman is reminding him of his days living in that floating castle of false joy. It makes his stomach turn and not at the idea of what she could do - but at the concept of this woman being far too much like both that damnable plant witch and that insufferable fish who loved to listen to himself talk.
She’swarninghim. She’s warning him of all that she’s capable of as if to show her new found company that she holds the cards here and while he can’t imagine any of that would feel very pleasant it’s hardly enough to startle him. If she knows Eversti then she must be from this Amestris too so that also makes her human. These Amestrians were capable of some wildmagics and he would need to speak to Black Wind about them as soon as possible. Regardless he still fails to even flinch at her motions.
As soon as Black Wind is done laying into him for leaving before he was completely healed that is. He’s relying on his other senses more than he cares to admit and it’s the smellof what this woman has done that gets him more than anything. The sight of it was mostly inferred. He can’t say his far sight is in the best condition currently - Eversti’s flames were insanely bright. Black Wind would end him himself if he knew the condition he was in and yet he still left to go find survivors anyway. Cid will be furiouswhen he gets back but he supposes he’s earned this lecture from the engineer in question anyway.
This woman keeps calling it alchemyand he can only infer by that she meant magic.Really if Eversti had told him he was sorcerer sooner this situation would have been far less complicated. Her attitudeseemed to change at the very mention of Eversti too. He can only assume they must be close companions. She used his name and everything. Though he resists the urge to make a face when she implies that he has only seen Eversti’s magic. Oh he’s done far more than just see it.
Her whole temperament is shifting and somehow he still doesn’t trust it. There’s something about this woman and he obsessive need for control that leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Even if she’s asking where Eversti is, maybe they’re enemies? He’s lied to plenty of people to get information about his enemies out of them by pretending to be their ally. She speaks to him so - strangely and her lungs they sound so .. odd? Not lying but labored. It’s faint. He’s not close enough to her to tell and he doesn’t very much want to close the distance. His hearing has seen better days as well but he supposes it will come back with time. By the time he gets back to the Comodeen, he should be mostly back to normal he assumes.
Perhaps he’ll ask her a few more questions on the way and if she turns out to be lying to him, well then he knows how to steer her off the proper trail.
“No Ma’am Eversti is unharmed.” He sounds. “He is currently with The Comodeen, as is the girl. Ms. Lyssa. My pleasure to meet you as well. It’s no trouble at all. I only wish to provide assistance in Wonderland where previously there was none. Think nothing of it.”
There is the smallest of bows, lightly dropping his head forward at the end of his words as his feet rise from the ground and he floats.If she’s not hiding her abilities then he won’t hide his either. He’s hovering just above the ground unwilling to completely hide his alien nature after such a display.
“Whatever Black Wind had of manners got lost right along with his memories.”The Prince practically snarlsas his arms come up in a huff to cross over his chest in irritation.
“That man has never had proper manners and I don’t think he ever will. He’s never been exactly what one would refer to as sensitive to other’s needs. Somehow the Gods have cursed me because I managed have my soul bound counterpart be an adult with the emotional capacity of a toddler. I had better manners than that man when I was six.He is quite possibly the rudest more crude being I have ever met in exclusion of those poor excuses of underlings that were working in Gaudium.
Black Wind says little and hardly lets you ever know what’s going on in that head of his. It’s taken me yearsto be able to read him even remotely correctly. He speaks more with his gaze than anything else. He never says please or thank you. He never shows gratitudefor basically anything and he is completely disrespectful of another’s culture. Especially mine. Personal boundaries mean nothingto him and treating another with proper respect is practically unheard of. Especiallyif its me.
I don’t think that man will call me anything other than boyeven when we’re hundreds of years old. He’s infuriating. He disrespects my culture, my people, my ways of life, and my personal space! He’s on me for everythingand even appears out of seemingly thin air to judge every new acquaintance I make. Dare I call someone friend,Black Wind will suddenly be summoned to approve of them. His manners are so lackinghe does not even introducehimself.Ever.
I am introducing us as a pairat nearly every turn while he stands there silently and glares. The object of a first impression meansnothingto him. In turn, with the way he acts it also reflects on us both and I feel as though he hardly considers this and if he does then he hardly cares. He makes the pairof us look bad with his ever present attitude. I’m almost positive if the man ever spoke a word of proper manners he’d fall over dead if he was forced to say please!
Black Wind’s manners absolutely have room for improvement in every area…”
“But I can read him better than anyone and he means well. He just doesn’t talk much. I don’t mind talking for both of us. I can do that for him. His senses are keen and he’s almost never wrong when he tells me not to trust someone. He knows how to shut down a conversation when I can’t and he’s stopped me from agreeing to some things I didn’t want to do but he could tell I didn’t know how to say no.He’s always had my back in that regard. He’s stopped plenty of people from taking advantage of me because he knows I struggle with putting my own needs first.
He’s also gone so far as to help with small things like merchants trying to haggle a price out of me that far exceeds an items worth. He never doesanything but his presence always makes them think twice. It’s because of these things why I don’t go shopping for supplies alone. He is also the reason I can detect lies so well. It’s not just my hearing, he taught me what to listen for. When I was just a boy, he made a game of it and trained me in the art of both performing the action and seeing through one as well.
He doesn’t talk much but when he does it’s always important. He doesn’t talk much but I listen when he does. He’s - a strange crude rudeman. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him introduce himself in my whole life and I don’t think I ever will but that’s… alright. I can do the talking for both of us, I have had more than enough practice with public speaking in my childhood. I know how to speak to people from all walks of life for the most part.
He is my opposite in every way but I suppose for being my soul bound counterpart that is what he is supposedto be. I have more than enough etiquette for us both.”
