thepeacefulgarden:

Sexual Self Care

Your sexuality is a part of yourself, and as such, deserves as much care as the rest of you. This can look like…

* Deciding for yourself when, whether, and with whom to engage in sex.
* Deciding that sex just isn’t for you, and that’s okay.
* Getting regular OB/GYN or urologist checkups. (And being honest with your doctor!)
* Getting tested for STIs regularly, especially in between partners.
* Saying “no” to sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, or that you don’t feel ready for.
* Exploring and learning what you like and don’t like.
* Learning about sex, anatomy, birth control, etc. especially if the sex ed you had during your formative years was nonexistent or just straight-up garbage.
* Ditching purity culture and all its empty promises.
* Using reliable birth control unless and until you want a baby.
* Deciding for yourself when and whether to have children, and how many to have.
* Deciding for yourself what you will do if you have an unplanned pregnancy.
* Being really honest with yourself about whether you personally can do casual hookups, or whether you absolutely need to have a relationship in order to have sex.
* Communicating and setting boundaries with partners.
* Making sure that if you choose to have sex, you’re doing so for the right reasons (i.e. not just to please your partner, or “fit in,” or what have you)
* Making sure you get your share of the pleasure pie, too.
* Listening to what your body is telling you.
* Letting go of shame.
* Ditching toxic diet culture and learning to love your body, or at least accept it.
* Understanding that porn is a fantasy; it is nothing like real sex with a real human being.
* Getting help for porn and sex addictions.
* Letting go of internalized misogyny, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc.
* Learning to both give and receive pleasure.
* Learning to communicate what you need.
* Taking responsibility for your own thoughts, words, actions, omissions, marital fidelity, feelings, etc., instead of dumping that on other people.
* Dressing for yourself, in clothes that make you happy (within the scope of appropriateness for a given occasion), not to either attract or repel any sex or gender.
* Deciding for yourself what labels define your sexuality or gender, or whether any labels fit at all.
* Carrying condoms/dental dams/etc. with you on dates, even if you don’t end up needing them.
* Making sure someone knows where you are when you go on dates or hook up with people.
* Understanding that being rejected doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with you, and not taking that as a personal affront.
* Learning what healthy relationships look like.
* Getting help for and healing sexual trauma of any kind.
* Deciding for yourself what you share (or don’t share) on the Internet about your sexuality, your past, etc.
* Learning how consent actually works.
* Showing concern for your partner’s well-being and pleasure, as well as your own.
* Not using sex/porn/masturbation/etc. as a way of masking or avoiding your personal or relationship problems.
* Not tying your sexual history (or lack thereof) to your worth as a human being, or as a partner.
* Deciding that what other people think of you is their responsibility, not yours.
* Getting out of toxic relationships.
* Not sleeping with your ex.
* Going no further or faster than you really want to go.
* Deciding for yourself whether you’re into kink or not. (And that vanilla is valid!)
* Peeing after sex.
* Being honest with yourself and your partners.
* Developing a positive body image.
* Accepting that both you and any partners you have will have a past, good, bad, and ugly, and not judging or defining yourself or them by it.
* Really getting to know someone before agreeing to move in with them, have a baby with them, marry them, etc.

***trigger warning***(depression, body dysmorphia, ED, s*xual trauma ****

I know we hear about winter depression all the time but I get it when the weather gets nice. When it’s hot out & the streets fill with people. When shorts & skirts & arms out become the thing.

I’ve lived with mild -severe depression since childhood. And as the temps get above 75 it gets worse. This is for two reasons: a. I have social anxiety (no longer on meds for it, thankfully, it was worse during my college years) b. I’m not comfortable in my body & never was. Even when I was thin. Now I look back at those pics & though I was not healthy I’d wish I could have the smaller body back.

I’ve struggled with BDD since childhood. Was the only overweight kid of my siblings, got bullied for it by family & at school. I will never forget the time my aunt came over with donuts and when I went for one she says “oh you really don’t need one of these” get an apple. That shit was so wrong. My family didn’t talk about things & I ate to suppress feelings & s*xual trauma but they didn’t care. Even when I asked to see a therapist at 14 bc I knew I was not ok, they told me I was fine & just emotional.

By time Hs came around & I stopped eating. I alternated over those 4 years bt not eating or binging then p*rging. It got worse in college. But that was also the time I started getting noticed and seen as attractive. Then came all the “you look great” “attention from guys & girls” etc. I used to be ignored & all my friends got attention. I was the friend who had beautiful thin friends.

In college I became obsessed with exercising too. It was the smallest I ever was. And by then I was pretty sought after which was weird, like suddenly everyone noticed me & wanted to hook up with me. At the time, I still saw the chubby me. now as I look back & I was way too thin. My face was gaunt. But I didn’t see it, I never saw how small I got ..that’s a major part of body dysmorphia.

All of this is a long story but now in my mid thirties after lots of ptsd & my mom passing I’ve packed on a ton of weight . I’m physically what I thought I was before. Maybe bigger. And with it getting hotter outside & less clothes being worn I’m hyper aware I don’t look the way I want & im heavier than I want to be. I’ve always hated summers bc I don’t feel comfortable. I rather fall where I can wear cool layered clothes & actually feel confident. Summer feels too exposed like being on display. And having to show parts I don’t like bc it’s hot. Summers make me want to hide in doors until it’s over.

The other day I went out briefly with a small group of friends & one asked if I was hot (“aren’t you hot?) since I still had a jacket on. I know she wasn’t trying to be malicious but I have to say this is a no -no. Please don’t do this. If a person is covering up its bc they are not comfortable. When you ask stuff like this or point out that they’re sweating it literally makes it worse. Trust me, they know it’s hot, they know they are overdressed, it’s all for a reason. So if any of you have ever made such a comment, even if you mean well, please don’t. This was two days ago & I’m feeling so bad I canceled weekend plans bc I don’t want to be seen. It has an effect. (I did have a long talk with the person this morning too)

If you have a friend who is covered up, even in the summer or on a hot day, or if you notice they look hot , if they are overdressed, don’t make comments about it. Trust me, they barely made it out the door & likely tried on 20 outfits trying to find something they felt comfy in. It took work for them. Maybe suggest going somewhere to get a cold drink or sitting in the shade. That is a better thing to do.

With the size I am now you wouldn’t think I barely eat. I often find myself wishing I lost weight when depressed but I don’t, at least not now in my 30s, it just sticks to my body, even if I barely eat. I’ve had a recovery story I’m proud of & I just…I try everyday to not get back to messing up. But today I got out of bed & had oatmeal and little things count. Little steps are important. I’ll try to go for a walk later for fresh air.

With summer around the corner, and hot days already here I’m feeling at a low point. I won’t keep this post up but it’s my blog so what’s a personal post once in a while. Just had to get all this off my chest bc I feel like shit & the last 2 days have been awful. I’m feeling really raw & vulnerable atm.