Robin, being Fondled

Thank you so much for the support as always @xpegasusuniverse ! This was so much fun to work on I think <I> pulled a muscle xD

Summary: Still feeling wronged about the whole affair between Sully, him and Robin, Vaike went to seek professional help to straighten up the score of… male beauty standards in the Shpherds, much to Robin’s chagrin.

Commission info HEREandHERE!

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After going through many pains for a whole week to be able to bury the source of the sudden interest of the soldiers in bird-watching, Robin had finally started to feel at ease at the Shepherds barracks.

There was no more need to keep his ears keen on any gossip floating around nor any need for a, let’s say ‘healthy’, dose of Thoron to Vaike’s head to stop him from babbling nonsense from time to time. Robin was just about able to stop being so on edge and walk comfortably around the palace.

It was hard to stop Frederick of all people from learning about the whole affair, though. The man was like an old harpy whenever the issue concerned Chrom, Lissa or the Shepherds. Thankfully, Chrom’s name had never been mentioned so it was easier — or rather, less difficult — to bury it from the knight’s view.

Rolling his stiff shoulder and patting himself on the back, Robin walked into the conference room as per usual, cracking his neck to dissipate any remaining tension.

“Robin, you’re here.” Chrom greeted from his seat, his eyes never leaving the pile of papers in front of him.

Since his reign was still young, there were many, many, manythings they’d all need to look over, not to mention the reparations for the previous war and the relief for the most affected areas and…

Anyway, they were always neck-deep in work, so they basically just lived in that conference room lately. The dark bags under Chrom’s eyes were threatening to stay there forever, to the point that Frederick sometimes mumbled something about finding a better skin routine to smooth out his liege’s “perfect skin”, in his own words.

To be honest, the only one in the room who looked fit enough to keep doing these long work hours for an undetermined amount of time was Frederick himself, but only a few could ever question or match the man’s body fitness.

Regardless, as Robin took his seat and Chrom started the meeting with the arrival of other ministers, they busied themselves with work. As an escort, Frederick stood behind Chrom’s desk at all times, which allowed him to not only listen to what was being said inside the room as well as what happened outside.

Two hours after the start of the meeting, Frederick heard the sound of someone quickly stomping towards them, but since his priority was the Exalt, he placed one hand on Chrom’s shoulder and focused on the door with a keen eye.

A moment after, the person who barged into the room was none other than ‘the Vaike’ himself.

“I’ve an object!” He yelled atop of his lungs, rather proud of himself for saying ‘objection’ perfectly.

With the theme of the meeting so fresh in his mind, Robin hadn’t made the connection of Vaike and trouble yet, so he just sighed deeply like a deflated balloon. “What’re you doing here-”

Chrom unceremoniously dug himself in his chair, 100% done with this. “Vaike, for the last time-”

“Oy oy, you’re not listenin’ to me! I said I’ve an object!” He pounded his chest, then, as if that reminded him of something, he exclaimed, “oh, wait, I brought someone, too!” and stepped out of the room for a moment before coming right back while pulling a stuck-up looking man.

At that point, Chrom was already dragging his hands across his face, his dead eyes begging for someone to take Vaike away from there. “And who might that gentleman be…?” he asked with no strength in his voice.

“He’s a professional pervert!”

“Pbbbht-” Robin sputtered, coughed and hid himself under his cloak.

With no change in his expression, Chrom looked at Frederick under his hands. Just as the knight was about to execute- ahem, execute the order, of course, the noble adjusted himself, straightening his monocle.

“Ahem, I’ll thank you for referring to me as the sommelier of male bosoms, Jadon Bellomo.” The man called Jadon took a step away from Vaike and looked at Chrom with utmost respect. “At your service, Your Majesty,” he bowed gracefully.

Male-

Male bosoms-

Robin’s stiffened laughter stopped immediately, being replaced by dread in the blink of an eye.

What was Vaike thinking now?! Wasn’t it enough to- to call him names in front of all the soldiers?!

The tactician hid under his hood, biting his nail in anguish.

“Yeah, basically a professional pervert. Anyway!” Vaike once again hit his own chest. “I brought him ‘ere ‘cause I’ve been slaughtered! Slammered… Uh, something like that. And I gotta protect my tits’ honor.”

“Pbbbbth-” Now it was Chrom’s turn to sputter. “What’re you talking about in a formal meeting, Vaike-”

“My Lord, if I may speak on the behalf of your lesser brained companion…” Lord Bellomo stepped in front of Vaike.

“I’m failing to see how that might clear any of this up in the near future, but go on, Lord Bellomo.” Chrom sank back into his chair.

“Chrom, I don’t think this is gonna be a good idea, no matter how eloquent this man is.” Robin whispered beside the Exalt, quickly thinking of a few hundred ways of silent assassination in a room full of people.

“Thank you for the opportunity, my Lord.” Bellomo bowed respectfully again. “As the good Sir was saying, I believe his integrity as a man of muscle has been slandered in the face of recent events.”

“Recent events?” Chrom murmured to Robin and Frederick, in which only one of whom looked clueless about it all.

“It’s… probably nothing. You know how Vaike is.” Robin stammered, digging his nails on the chair.

“Fair.” Chrom bobbed his head to the side, turning back his attention to Bellomo.

Though Vaike took that whispering as a cue to intervene. “Yeah! I’m not gonna lie down and let Sully smack talk my tits.” He hit his (bare) chest for the thousandth time since arriving. “So, I brought in an expert to settle this once and for all. This guy right here is a professional pervert.”

Once again Bellomo sighed. “Sir Vaike, I would politely ask that you refrain from referring to myself and my field of expertise in such a crass, undignified manner. I am Ylisse’s foremost and acclaimed judge of all competitions of the male physique, as I’m sure Your Majesty knows,” he bowed once again to Chrom, who looked like a mix of being in the middle of throwing up and holding back a sneeze. “With my particular area of expertise being the male bosom. I am not a base, lowly pervert, but a connoisseur of the male form!” He shouted passionately. “And what Sir Vaike brought before me was nothing but an opportunity! To be able to judge and be beholden to the Shepherds’ very own physique, the same Shepherds who brought us victory in this most recent war!! Oh, what a glorious sight that might be!!”

“This is nonsense.” Chrom blurted out immediately, but Frederick managed to kick his chair just in time so no one but Robin heard it. After all, it was unbecoming for a leader to dismiss their subject’s work of passion like that.

“I agree, uh-huh, total nonsense. We should turn them away.” Robin immediately went back to hiding under a random paper he found in front of him, sinking a bit deeper into his chair so Vaike wouldn’t look his way.

“Frederick, why’d you do that-” Chrom nodded at Robin before scowling at the kick, but Bellomo’s passionate discourse about the male bosom was in full swing in front of them. “Besides, why did he say that I might know of it? It’s the first time I hear of this debauchery!”

Right on cue, Bellomo’s chanting turned back to Chrom. “Oh, but it was by the grace of the previous Exalt, Lady Emmeryn — Naga bless her soul — that my colleagues and I were able to set up a bodybuilding recreation site! By her magnanimously generous heart, we have been going strong for three years and counting!”

“Emm… Emm approved of that?” Chrom squeaked, aghast.

Frederick nodded behind him. “Lady Emmeryn wanted the people to be able to freely express themselves, so there are many recreational activities that carry the Exalt’s seal of approval.”

Feeling somehow embarrassed, Chrom hid his face under both hands. “I see,” his voice sounded muffled. No doubt the papers detailing those activities and more would be buried in that very same conference room. Since the ascension was done hastily due to the war, many of such, ah, trivial matters were put aside in favor of the more urgent ones.

“Still, I don’t think now’s the time for this,” Robin urged Chrom, not wanting the mention of Emmeryn to make his resolve falter.

“Yes, of course,” Chrom slowly recovered from the shame and cleared his throat to address the passionate man in front of them. “Although I understand where you’re coming from, Lord Bellomo, I’m afraid now isn’t really the time for-”

“Ohoho, now I get it. Ya’ll whispering and hiding like that cause you’re scared, right.” Vaike interrupted the Exalt in his speech, something no one in their right mind should do if they had any ounce of respect for their leaders. Alas, it was The Vaike we were talking about, after all.

Ticked off, Chrom’s eyebrow twitched. “What ARE you talking about, Vaike?”

“Hah, you know what I’m talkin’ about! If we went tit-to-tit, you KNOW my tits would win!” He slammed the table confidently. “Sully’s stubborn like a bull so I had to bring mister pervert here to prove my tits’ worth, but you sound more like a chicken running from a challenge than anything!”

Oh no. Oh no nonono, that’s not good. Sirens blared inside Robin’s head. If Vaike spurred Chrom’s competitive spirit like that…

A vein popped in Chrom’s forehead. “That’s ridiculous, Vaike.” He clenched his teeth as he slowly got up.

“Shit, wait, Chrom, let’s think of this better-” Sensing the worst, Robin quickly tried to placate his stupid best friend.

“Aha, almost didn’t see ya there, mister tactitcian!” Vaike pointed at Robin, who flinched a foot out of the floor and hid behind Chrom. “I ain’t letting you take the crown this time, nu-huh! My tits will win no matter what!”

“Tact- what-” Chrom’s fighting spirit dampened for a moment after hearing that terrible pun, but he had no time to look back at his friend as Vaike ran up to his personal space with that smug and irritating face of his.

“So, meet ya there? Tit-by-tit, we’ll see who has the best rack in the Shepherds.”

The veins multiplied in Chrom’s forehead. “You’re on. Lord Bellomo, you have full authority to prepare for this event.” He ordered without taking his eyes off Vaike’s, his fighting spirit rekindled.

“NO, nooo!” Robin wailed silently behind the two, holding his head in despair.

There was no way to cover up THAT mess.

The news that there would be a recreational competition to judge the male Shepherds’ chests spread around the castle like wildfire.

Lissa pulled a muscle laughing when she first heard of it and pulled it several times again whenever she remembered about it — though she was ultimately forbidden to attend due to being a young unmarried woman and a princess (something she would definitely NOT be laughing at in the future).

Although these kinds of competitions held by Lord Bellomo were open for all genders and ages (in his words, it was a ‘sin to hide such a beauty from the world at large’), since this one meddled intimately with the royal affairs, only men or fellow soldiers would be able to watch.

The soldiers and maidservants all around started placing bets on who would win and what the criteria of choosing the winner would be. Men from high and low all over the castle huddled themselves in the courtyard for the examination, and even though he would rather be listening to Gangrel’s morbid jokes, Robin had been dragged by the others to stay right next to Chrom in the top of the line.

Even Donnel and Ricken tried to enter the competition, but Lord Bellomo expressly said that they were too young to participate, which brought the short mage much shame as he ran away without even seeing the results.

Although reluctantly, even Frederick was participating, if only to stay beside Chrom who stood there, shirtless among all of the other soldiers in wait for Bellomo to judge them.

Robin never once took his face out of both of his hands in his shame. His neck, shoulders and ears were bright red and the less said about his tits-CHEST, chest, damn it all! The less said about his chest, the better! Why was he dragged out like that? He was a desk man, he wasn’t a strong soldier!

Why were they even discussing tits- CHESTS, why were they even… Oh Naga, help them all!

Vaike nudged Chrom as the head of the line. “Ey, nervous about how everyone’s gonna know my tits are better than yours?”

“Keep dreaming, Vaaike. Focus on the judge.” Chrom shrugged, overlooking the term as he usually wouldn’t, too fired up in the mood to care.

“I wonder how they decide such things…” Stahl made a one-off comment from behind them, looking over them to the judges.

“Oh, that’s a good question,” someone replied beside him just as Lord Bellomo approached.

“Indeed, a great question, Sir Stahl.” Lord Bellomo arrived with a measuring tape. “After all, I do not simply judge the size of a man’s bosom. If that were the case, all the Shepherds would need was a measuring tape,” he dangled the item in his hand, “and that would be it. Size is but one of many factors to be taken into account when evaluating a man’s chest, and some of these criteria may require a physical examination.”

Robin shuddered at the thought as the men all around said ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ in different degrees.

“So wait, you wanna cop a feel of my tits?” Vaike turned to the noble man who sighed.

“Must you use such crass, foul language when speaking of my profession, sir Vaike?” He took off the silky gloves he was wearing.

Wait… was he going to perform the examination… bare-handed?!

Robin covered his chest with both hands.

Seeing Bellom approach, Vaike put both hands behind his head with a huge grin. “Hey, I don’t mind. Feel ‘em up all you want.” He even shook either breast at intervals a bit, making them jiggle in a rhythm.

“That’s it, I’m going to die. I die today. Today is the day I die.” Robin murmured as he watched Lord Bellomo approach. “Why did this happen to me? I was just going to take a dip in the fountain. Why me? Should I have just waited until night? But I was hot so I went for a dip? Was it my mistake?” He went over and over the scenarios trying to see where he went wrong. “Maybe it was because I didn’t see Sully there? Or even if she hadn’t been there, Vaike would still…”

Robin probably passed out standing up as a defense mechanism. He barely remembered everything that happened that day, especially not when Lord Bellomo spent a good five minutes just fondling him and even pinching his nipples- YES, he especially did NOT remember that.

He did not remember it. Thus, it did not happen.

Yes, indeed. Nothing about that happened.

Nothing at all. Nuh-huh.

Not even how Libra looked weirdly amused by being in this masculine type of activity. Or how Virion was absent due to family matters and by the gods how Robin envied them right about then-

“Oh, but this is the most glorious and beautiful collection of male breasts I have ever had the pleasure of seeing!”

“And feeling…” Robin murmured, holding his shirt tightly against his chest as Bellomo said his farewell speech.

“I am ever so thankful to be able to be the host of such an enlightening event, and I would like to first and foremost thank our magnanimous ruler-”

“Enough with the big words! Who had the best tits, mister? Out with it!” Vaike yelled from the audience, making Bellomo click his tongue and sigh.

“Oh, very well. I Must say that it was a very difficult decision, especially with the arrival of our late friend over there- oh, where did he go?”

“I’m over here…” A muffled voice heard from somewhere but nowhere in particular sounded, but no one seemed to notice.

“Welp, hopefully our friend returns, as he surely had a wonderful pair of breasts.”

“Kill me… Kill. me. Kill… me.” Robin chanted under his breath.

“With no further ado, I will proudly hand this sash to the big winner: Sir Frederick!” Lord Bellomo approached the tall and bulky man, giving him a sash that read ‘best tits of Ylisse’ in bold colors. “Second, will Sir Kellam step up? Your late arrival was a game changer, my good sir…” Bellomo looked around and only after a few moments did he see Kellam standing right in front of him. “There you are, my good sir. Congratulations on your fine set of breasts.”

“Um, thanks? I was here the whole time though-”

“And last but not least, I would like our genius tactician to step up-”

“No. No. Not me. I’m sure there’s another tactician-” Robin covered his head with both hands.

“Haha, don’t be such a spoilsport, Robin.” Frederick smiled from ear to ear, apparently extremely pleased to have won despite being grumpy about this whole affair the entire time. “Come now, the podium is right over here.” The huge knight needed but to nudge the short tactician so he could come up front and receive a pin right over his chest that read “Ylisse’s #3 tits” and die immediately.

His soul had been in the process of leaving his body ever since the whole ordeal started, but now it definitely just finished the process.

His body was now but a shadow of what it had once been.

Vaike yelling complaints and Chrom suddenly being embarrassed by his impulsiveness around Robin did nothing to erase the utter and deep shame that overcame the man. He felt alone in the entire world where nothing but tits- CHESTS, damn it all, chests! Where nothing but male tits- ugh… mattered anymore.

Could he ever recover? Especially with how Frederick seemed to be intent on wearing his sash for a few weeks after this? Would he ever be the same man after being fondled in front of so many people?

Right, today was the day he died. Yes. Much better to accept it like that.

Here lies Robin, the genius tactitcian of Ylisse.

Soldiers, Bird Watching

Thank you so much for the support as always, @xpegasusuniverse! I had a blast writing this so I hope you like it :D

Summary: Robin was someone who usually kept to himself, so people never truly got close to him physically. He bathed in his quarters and always made sure to walk as composed as possible alongside the Prince (even though Chrom wasn’t a paramount of fashion), so much so that it left people wondering what he could be hiding under it all…

Commission info HEREandHERE!

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The summers of Ylisse were usually a good middle ground between its two neighbors: not too hot like the Plegian desert, but still a great ways from the cold summers of Ferox. Honestly, it was a very comfortable land to live in, climate-wise.

The people weren’t used to wearing light clothing like the plegians did, so it was easy to see some people wearing long sleeves and thin coats during the dry season and immediately make the assumption that they were used to much higher temperatures.

Perhaps due to Robin’s still unknown plegian ancestry, he never felt uncomfortable during his time in Ylisse, even though he wore baggy and heavy clothing. Some of the Shepherds wondered if he was hiding a big scar or any kind of body deformity under all those layers since he almost never took his coat or shirt off in public.

(There was even a hidden bet among the men that never saw him take baths in the public bathrooms that he was hiding a big beer belly, but who was part of that bet and what it consisted of was debatable)

However, for the first time in a few decades, a heat wave strong enough to cross the mountains from Plegia landed in Ylisse with full force, making it one of the hottest summers the halidom had ever seen.

The plegian born felt right at home with their thin and revealing clothing, but most ylissean born people had to go around wearing less than usual.

Men fought to walk around shirtless (Vaike sassed every single one of them he passed by, comparing their muscles) or they would suffer heat strokes otherwise. Women wore string dresses at best, or, in Sully’s case, a very revealing crop top ahead of its time.

No one could beat her to force her to wear at least a camisole, so she basically joined the shirtless men in their protest to be allowed to walk around with their torso exposed.

Chrom, bless his soul, would join the protest himself if he hadn’t been recently crowned Exalt after the war with Plegia, so, frankly, he had more to worry about than dealing with the aftermath of half naked men. The heat wave itself was a cause of concern, so he and Robin spent tireless days coming up with strategies to mitigate its damage to the people and the land.

Of course, just because he was Exalt it didn’t mean that he was going to walk around wearing that stuffy coat and cloak in the middle of summer, so he was an adept of the half naked movement in spirit, at least.

Robin had laughed at his friend’s antics, though he, too, started to get bothered with the heat eventually. Thus, after a meeting, he went to take a walk around the south garden (which was the only one with a fountain big enough to house the overheated soldiers with room to spare) to refresh himself.

Along the way, he found his comrades wearing less and less clothes as he approached the water. Stahl waved from a shade, shirtless and sweating but at least eating some kind of cold dessert.

Gaius was lying down on a branch on top of the tree Stahl sat under, eating ice cream as his life depended on it.

Lon’qu was fully clothed, sitting in the middle of the fountain, right under the water jet, as if meditating — the heat hit him the hardest as a feroxi man.

Vaike wore a speedo (at that point, everyone gave up trying to make him wear anything remotely decent) and sat by the fountain as though he was tanning himself, but he waved loudly when Robin approached.

“Yo, tactical man! Finally cracked under the heat, eh” He wriggled his eyebrows.

Snorting, Robin nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ll follow your example for today,” he said, peeling off his coat.

“Oooh!” Vaike clapped once, but it was so loud it called the nearby men into attention. “We’ll finally see what’s under all that thick coat o’ yours!”

“Hm?” Robin frowned as he pulled his shirt overhead. “What? I wasn’t particularly hiding anything.”

The moment he let the shirt fall on top of the coat on the floor, all sound but the splash of the water stopped.

Some men tapped their neighbors while they grimaced and handed them coins.

Others looked annoyed for a moment and looked away, but most just snorted and nodded as though greeting a comrade in arms that had taken long to return home.

Sully arrived from behind the crowd at that moment, wearing her now usual crop top. “Yo, what’s the commotion all about- Holy shit, Robin, your TITS, man.”

While the audience was aghast at how well developed Robin’s body was under the coat, the tactician himself was dipping his head into the water, feeling refreshed as it slid down his neck once he went back up.

“Huh? My… what?” He covered his chest with both hands like a chaste maiden.

“I mean, they’re bigger than mine! And I work out a lot.” Sully slapped her chest proudly, which made Robin blush and look away.

“I uh, I don’t think my chest can be compared with yours- I mean, biologically-”

“Hey hey hehehey, wait a second right there!” Vaike sprung up in a flash. “MY tits are bigger than yours and you never said that to my face,” he pointed at his own chest proudly, shoving Robin to the side.

“I see your tits every damn day, Vaike. You’ll poke my eye out with your nipple someday.” Sully replied like that wasn’t the most ridiculous conversation one could have under the scorching sun.

Robin looked from one to the other like the spectator of a ball game, still covering his chest with both hands like he was posing for a painting. “I, uh, think I better g-”

“And so what? You never said that to me! He’s not even that big, c’mon, look-” Vaike pulled Robin’s hand that was about to reach out for his shirt on the ground.

“Whooaa, hey-”

“See?” Vaike placed Robin right beside him with their, well, tits aligned perfectly. “Say it to my face now!”

Sully crossed her arms, rolling her eyes at Vaike’s nonsense. “Why do you want me to say your tits are bigger so badly? I’m praising Robin’s tits here-”

“Please don’t say that, please don’t say it like that,” Robin repeated like a mantra, closing his eyes and accepting his fate as he wasn’t strong enough to escape the grip of either of the two.

Sadly, none of them listened.

Their back-and-forth got so intense that some of the soldiers around started repeating their words, making the gossip flow out of the south garden into the castle in a matter of minutes.

With ‘tits’ and ‘robin’ being thrown around so often, one would think that the soldiers were suddenly veryinto bird watching, so it would take at least a week for people to trace back the gossip to its actual source— or at least it would, but not unless Robin manages to bury it with strategic thinking.

He won’t allow Chrom or Frederick or Lissa to hear about this even if it meant buying a whole stock of sugar to shut up Gaius… If any of the three hear about it, Robin will never be able to forget how he got associated with yet another kind of bird. In the worst, worst way possible.

“Pshaw. I don’t go in for that weapon-matchup mumbo jumbo. If I start thinkin’ on the battlefield, I’m done for! I stick with what I know: instinct, brute strength, and the stupidity to keep fightin’!”

vaike said fuck the weapon triangle

Next is Gaius!