On Veto Power

The subject of “Veto Power” came up in one of the polyam groups that I’m in. For those of you that don’t know what a “veto” is in polyamory, it’s when you give your partner (usually a spouse/nested partner/“primary” partner) the right to “veto” your other relationships or tell you to end things with someone that you are seeing/in a relationship with.

We don’t have veto power in our marriage and never have. I also wouldn’t knowingly sign up for a relationship where I could potentially be subject to one. I have mixed feelings about vetoes, personally. I understand why people feel the need to have them but to me, they are superfluous. I just don’t get the method that states that I am going to deal with an issue I am having with my partner and their choices by getting rid of the other partner.

Like say your partner has a partner that is abusing them. Your issue isn’t your meta; it’s your partner. Why do you have a partner that is signing up to be abused? Have a meta that’s a crackhead thief and steals your shit? Why is your partner with a crackhead? Have a meta that your partner goes out with to gamble away your mortgage money? Why is your partner ok with gambling away your mortgage money? The issue always circles back to your partner.

And most of the time, the vetoes aren’t enacted for extreme circumstances such as these which is what people will SAY they have them for but what they actually USE them for is to keep themselves from feeling too threatened by a partner’s partner. They will cite all these arbitrary reasons for enacting the veto that really just boil down to “I’m worried that this person/relationship is eclipsing me/my relationship with my partner.”

Also, do ALL of your partners get veto power or is it just the one that you live with/are married to/is primary? Because that is blatantly unfair. And I learned from PERSONAL experience that wonky shit happens when you try to keep two people apart that have a connection to each other. Like yeah, your partner may agree and break up with the person but I can guarantee you they will resent the fuck outta your ass and will take some time to get past that if they ever do.

You also have to keep in mind that it ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So just remember your staunch support of the veto when they are shooting down your folks, too.

Folks be having vetoes on the low any way. They may not outright say they have a veto because that’s a taboo word in Polywood but they may make their partner’s life with another partner so fucking miserable that they feel like they have no other choice but to end things.