“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Lundy Bancroft, 2002)
“Substance abusers prefer to spend their time with other people who abuse substances or with those who at least accept the addiction without making an issue of it, and who will listen sympathetically to the addict’s excuses for his behavior.
Partner abusers make similar choices regarding their social circle.
Their male friends tend to either abuse their own wives or girlfriends or else make comments about abuse that buy into excuse making and victim blaming.
(In research terminology this is called providing informational support for abuse.)
Their female friends may be mostly people who will accept their poor-me stories about being the victims of hysterical or mentally ill women.”
